So a while ago I mulled bringing this account back to life to post some writing, but it never really happened. Since then, though, I've been to three more conventions (ScotiaCon 2016, 2017, and 2018), acquired my own fursuit from the amazing Fix It Fursuits, and started branching out into graphic design and a bit of simple art. If you've seen some Smash Bros. inspired banners on Twitter, I might have been the one behind them - I'm on about 130 and counting so far! So I thought it was time to come back here and stop relying on Twitter alone to post art, since this is a much more convenient place to store and display my work than an endlessly scrolling Twitter timeline.

If you've been here a while, thank you for sticking with me (or forgetting to unfollow). If you're new, welcome!

Well, this was quite a day. This whole weekend has been a lot of discovery, both of things new, and of myself. Let's get to it.

First up after breakfast was a drawing panel that Doran was especially interested in. My visual art skills have never been great and I'm much more a writer but this panel actually made me want to pick up a pencil and try again. Something that the panel leader said really hit home to me - that she's an easily jealous artist, and seeing others do amazing art sometimes made her want to stop, that it was an effort to continue... that spoke a lot to me, since as much as I don't like to admit it to myself, that's how I feel sometimes, that it's a mountain to climb out of that feeling. I must make the effort!

Next was a panel on fursuit performance, which explained again about a lot of how suiters can struggle and how to deal with situations that might arise. It expanded my knowledge yet again and that would prove crucial later. Following that was the most diabolical pub quiz I've ever participated in, with obscure movie and game references aplenty. We came second, but it was a little random. Fun, though!

Despite not having fursuits ourselves (yet) we went to the panel on fursuit repairs anyway. It was a fascinating insight, and good research for future fursuit possibilities. Then we were at the fursuit games, which were silly... apparently it's hard to tell when I'm hiding a ball under my hat, even if I'm clearly suddenly holding my hat for some reason, that was a fun bit of confusion to get involved in.

After that, there was just time for a really honest and well mannered feedback session before we all gathered for the closing ceremony. And that's where things changed for me quite significantly. Thank yous were said, things were closed down, and then we all went to reception for the group photo. I really hope I can get a copy of that, because it's made of pure memories. I finally plucked up the courage to hug a fursuiter, and then we talked a bit and I talked to a few other people around, bought a drink for a new friend, went to play some games and then finally went to the dance to dance the night away, ending the night with six or seven of us, some in suits, some not, dancing the last song arm in arm as "Over The Hills And Far Away" played. It was incredibly emotional. I hugged more suiters, one of them more than once. When we left the room together I cried a little into Doran's shoulder, because I realised something, finally:

I belong here.

And we will be back.

Until then, safe travels home everyone. So starts the post-con depression...

Azzy

So, on to Saturday at the con. Today was better, had quite a bit of fun.

I really want to make clear, yesterday was not about me not liking the con. It was about having fun, but feeling a sense of social awkwardness. I know this is at least partially down to me, as I feel it elsewhere in life. I work around it, but Ido very much appreciate a helping hand to introduce me or to push me into things. Last night, some of you gave me a little of the latter, and today Zel and Dorey were helping again and I did a bit of helping myself. So let's get down to it!

First off, the breakfast here is nom. A lot of chain hotel breakfasts fit my bill well with a buffet style and this was no different. I'm a dragon who likes to fill my tum, it's true, but then no one wants to start to day empty!

The post-breakfast mission was to get back to the dealers' den. Many things were bought, for me they were mostly things produced by two very talented creators who appear here on FA - DrDubz and kisumi87. I have many trinkets and memories, and some gifts for folks back home. We then headed off to check out the Eat Scotland event. To my slight disappointment this wasn't an event for macrofurs (who doesn't like a bit of Godzilla?) but a thing we'd pre paid for that was all about getting to eat Scottish food, including a deep fried Mars Bar. Most of the bar had escaped from mine, but had left a weird combination of sweet and savoury behind, quite nice actually, although it's a habit I'll try not to pick up!

Next up was fursuit charades, which was a lot of fun. Who would have guessed, I'm actually quite good at word games. It got me feeling a bit easier about fursuiters, too, I kinda understand a little more now, also from general observations later in the day. I high-fived a fursuiter during the games, and he came by to compliment our contributions to the game later when he was out of suit, which felt really neat too. I'm still working on getting a hug, I'm a bit afraid of intruding on people, even though it's something I really want. One more chance tomorrow!

Next up was an electronica music session with a guy from Denmark called Cyber Fennek. I felt a little bad for him as there were barely more than the three of us in the room listening, but we made our appreciation clear and bought a CD from him. He's actually quite good at stringing melodies along on his keytar, I really enjoyed it. Promised to talk to him more on Skype when we got home, bam, friend made. I felt really good about that.

On to a brief dinner foray out at Pizza Hut locally and then the real part of my day began - the Smash Brothers tournament and the karaoke. My aim for the game competition, given that I've not got the Wii U version and despite owning Brawl haven't really played much since Melee, was to not be the first knocked out. As it was, I came 2nd in our first 4-player match and went through to the second round, where I got severely outmatched by folks who definitely knew not only what they were doing, but also what all the buttons did, which left me at a severe disadvantage. It was good to get that far, though.

Then, to round the day off, we went to the karaoke. From my filk music days I've always known that, if anything is going to bring me out of my scaly shell, it's communal music. After listening for a while I decided to take the plunge (never really doubted that I would, I adore singing and performing). My choice was One Week by the Barenaked Ladies, which is a tough song but was a bit of a party piece for me a few years ago. I remembered enough to nail it and got a great crowd reaction, so later on I went up again and belted out Let Me Entertain You by Robbie WIlliams, which I apparently did rather well at too. What followed was a slow descent into fun tiredness, with the dwindling crowd meaning the con staff decided to intervene with various silly selections of their own, and the whole thing was just fun. I let one of the staff borrow my hat for a bit and bought him Jaegermeister... it just felt like the right thing to do!

And then it ended about 1am and we were ushered from the room, the three or four of us that were left over. It was good, I always find it hard to end music events - if you ever want to see me with my heart as far out on display as it ever gets, ask me to sing for you, something with power and energy.

My hat has become something of a defining feature for me. The same staff member I bought Jaegermeister for also coined a new nickname for me - "Mr. Awesome Hat". I am okay with this.

So I'm moving into the last day of the con. I still don't feel like I've connected with many folks too much, but I've shared a lot of experiences and had a load of fun. Enough to know that I'd like to do this again next year, although there's a lot of more distant people out there that I would love to go to a con with as well. Have to figure out a way to fix that.

Interested in your thoughts, advice, anecdotes if you want to share, they've been very helpful so far. For now, though, I'm going to bed. Goodnight!!

Azzy - "Mr. Awesome Hat"

Well, we're here. Seven hours of driving and Doran, Zelandeth, and I arrived in Livingston, Scotland for the start of ScotiaCon 2015.

One day in, I can say that I'm not sure I belong here, but I'm working on it.

A little background: I try not to adhere to labels too much but I'm probably closest to what would be described as an Otherkin dragon, having started to figure myself out through some "interesting" times back in the mid-90s. I only discovered the furry community a few years later and have basically been hanging around the fringes of the community for twenty years, never really managing to really feel a part of it. Now, with the confidence afforded by two of my mates coming with me, I've finally made it to my first furry convention at the age of 35.

Now, it's worth mentioning that I've been to conventions before, just not furry ones, and I've always found it exceedingly difficult to feel like a real part of a community, when what I really want is just that; to feel like a part of something. Regardless, save for various advice offered by more experienced friends, I've tried to approach this with an open mind and few preconceptions.

So what have we done so far?

After checking in, we registered ourselves and got our badges and goodie bags. The badges are really nice, actually, like little credit card things. We examined the timetable and decided what we wanted to do. FIrst up was the opening ceremony, the 'my first con' meeting, and then failsuiting, which was best described by Zelandeth as Scraphead Challenge for fursuits - we basically were given a pile of materials, split into two teams, and told to dress one of our team in a hastily constructed fursuit, held together with duct tape and hope. We worked with three other furs and ultimately lost, but we put a good effort in. I made a pipboy 4000 out of paper and a plastic box!

Next up was a bit of downtime, so we checked out the dealers' den and I bought a really cute orange dragon figurine and devoted most of my wallet to more model purchases tomorrow. We then had some dinner in the expensiveish hotel restaurant, went to see the 'Meet the Guest of Honour' panel to learn about the fursuit-making GoH, and spent some time in the dance party. I took some time to warm up but with Kurra's voice in my head telling me I had to dance, I finally took the plunge and spent an hour and more flinging myself around like a crazy dragon until they switched to some heavier, dull beat music without much melody, at which point we called it a night. Now I've showered and am here writing this.

Sounds like I've had a lot of fun... so what's wrong?

Well, I *have* had fun. But I very much feel like an alien to this community and I'm struggling with that a bit. People are already in their cliques and it's hard to get to know anyone. Even the people we failsuited with kinda got to the end of the event and then drifted off without even so much as a see you later. I want to make friends, but I really struggle with getting into conversations. It's as if everyone has their friends, and they're here to see them. There's a lot of history.

I had a couple of very brief conversations with folk that didn't go anywhere. Even they felt difficult to instigate, no-one's really come to say hello to us. I poked my head into the gaming lounge to find everyone involved in one game without really being all that inviting for people to come watch or join in, so I floated away. This isn't really a ScotiaCon things in general, I have always struggled in this regard. Sometimes it's like I'm invisible, I wonder if I should embark on a life of crime to try and prove or disprove this.

Also, fursuiters. I really want to hug one, and I actually would really like to have my own suit, because I have always loved the idea of slipping into a different character. But I find them difficult to handle. They are quiet folks, necessarily so I suppose, but when they stand in front of you, staring in your direction, I have no idea what I should be doing, and I feel kinda awkward. I put my hat on one and he just stood there, so I nabbed it back. That was about it.

I would appreciate any advice or insight that any of you might have, but this whole experience is really important to me and I'm going to keep trying regardless. I worry that I've left this too late and I'm destined to fail, but I am going to go out and attend events. All being well I'll take part in the karaoke tomorrow. I'm not a bad singer, hopefully that will go well!

So I've had fun, and I expect to have more, but I just have these nagging doubts and awkwardness. Help?

Azzy

... why not round it off with reactivating your old FurAffinity account?

Life moves on, as life does. Sometimes, it moves so much that you end up right back where you started, which is where we find ourselves today.

I made this profile eight years ago, but never did very much with it. Eventually, I just cleared the whole thing down and left it to gather dust, since there was no way to delete accounts back then. Today, I'm coming back to it.

This may have a lot to do with the fact that, after very many years, I'm finally going to attend a furry convention - ScotiaCon - in November. It would be nice to have somewhere to send folks if they want to keep in touch.

Moreover, though, I've been thinking about finally coming out of hiatus and writing some more stories. It's been a while. Not all of them will be furry, but I will probably post them here anyway, for anyone who might be interested.

If you're new, then hello, nice to meet you. Much of this probably won't mean very much to you. If you already know me, then I've kept in touch with you on some level elsewhere anyway, but I feel like this is setting something right.

Who knows where we go from here, but it's really more about the journey than the destination anyway.

Azzy