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Posted 18 years agoLAYER ONE : THE OUTSIDE
Name: Azrael
Current Location: California
Eye Color: varies, but mostly olive green with a hint of gold
Hair Color: reddish brown with blonde highlights
Righty or Lefty: righty
Zodiac Sign: aries
LAYER TWO: THE INSIDE
Your fears: death, living, being rejected or betrayed, spiders, not finding happiness, or a life mate
Your perfect pizza: pesto, or just cheese
Goal for future: to live on my own, to get away from close-minded people, but to find level-headed open minded people who share the ideals I do. to find someone who can put up with my illnesses
Escape? You can't escape life. You can just make the best of it.
LAYER THREE:
Your thoughts first waking up: ....Damn.
Your best physical feature: my eyes, or breasts....xD
Your bedtime: usually around 11 or so.
Your most missed memory: sigh...
LAYER FOUR:
Pepsi or Coke: I don't really like soda.
McDonald's or Burger King: EWW.
Single or group dates: single- I like to be the center of attention to my mate.
Adidas or Nike: umm...Neither.
Lipton tea or Nestea: lipton, I guess
Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla, unless the chocolate is dark.
Cappuccino or coffee: coffee
LAYER FIVE: DO YOU?
Lie: I'm brutally honest. But I lie to myself sometimes.
Take a shower: every day. Unless I'm really depressed, in which case I fall asleep.
Believe in yourself: gods no
LAYER SIX: EVER?
Been on stage: Yes.
Gone skating: fun! I especially love ice skating
Dyed your hair: yes. a few times.
LAYER SEVEN: RANDOM
Gotten beaten up: emotionally and physically.
Changed who you were to fit in: No. Only for work.
LAYER EIGHT: AGE
Are you old: 18
What did you do for your last birthday: Eh.
LAYER NINE: IN A BOY OR GIRL
Best eye color: icey blue
Best hair color: dark, chocolatey brown
Clothing style: normal/conservative
LAYER TEN: WHAT WERE YOU DOING
1 minute ago: Filling this out
1 hour ago: wondering if I should text Jacob...
1 year ago: school.
LAYER ELEVEN: FINISH THE SENTENCE
I love: when someone cares for me.
I feel: depressed, and restless, and twitterpated
I hide: in my room.
I miss: Heather.The old Alex. Love.
I want: stability.
I need: stability.
Name: Azrael
Current Location: California
Eye Color: varies, but mostly olive green with a hint of gold
Hair Color: reddish brown with blonde highlights
Righty or Lefty: righty
Zodiac Sign: aries
LAYER TWO: THE INSIDE
Your fears: death, living, being rejected or betrayed, spiders, not finding happiness, or a life mate
Your perfect pizza: pesto, or just cheese
Goal for future: to live on my own, to get away from close-minded people, but to find level-headed open minded people who share the ideals I do. to find someone who can put up with my illnesses
Escape? You can't escape life. You can just make the best of it.
LAYER THREE:
Your thoughts first waking up: ....Damn.
Your best physical feature: my eyes, or breasts....xD
Your bedtime: usually around 11 or so.
Your most missed memory: sigh...
LAYER FOUR:
Pepsi or Coke: I don't really like soda.
McDonald's or Burger King: EWW.
Single or group dates: single- I like to be the center of attention to my mate.
Adidas or Nike: umm...Neither.
Lipton tea or Nestea: lipton, I guess
Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla, unless the chocolate is dark.
Cappuccino or coffee: coffee
LAYER FIVE: DO YOU?
Lie: I'm brutally honest. But I lie to myself sometimes.
Take a shower: every day. Unless I'm really depressed, in which case I fall asleep.
Believe in yourself: gods no
LAYER SIX: EVER?
Been on stage: Yes.
Gone skating: fun! I especially love ice skating
Dyed your hair: yes. a few times.
LAYER SEVEN: RANDOM
Gotten beaten up: emotionally and physically.
Changed who you were to fit in: No. Only for work.
LAYER EIGHT: AGE
Are you old: 18
What did you do for your last birthday: Eh.
LAYER NINE: IN A BOY OR GIRL
Best eye color: icey blue
Best hair color: dark, chocolatey brown
Clothing style: normal/conservative
LAYER TEN: WHAT WERE YOU DOING
1 minute ago: Filling this out
1 hour ago: wondering if I should text Jacob...
1 year ago: school.
LAYER ELEVEN: FINISH THE SENTENCE
I love: when someone cares for me.
I feel: depressed, and restless, and twitterpated
I hide: in my room.
I miss: Heather.The old Alex. Love.
I want: stability.
I need: stability.
Art
Posted 18 years agoJust a warning: Expect lots of emotional/vent pieces from me.... Something happened last night that's left me feeling apathetic, and depressed beyond all reason.
Withering Without You
Posted 18 years agoOf all people....You... Please don't leave me like this...I can't take it...I can't handle it... I thought our love was undying- our sisterly bond intact forever...
My body and soul are slowly deteriorating without you...
How could you even have the heart to not say to my face that you dislike me?
My body and soul are slowly deteriorating without you...
How could you even have the heart to not say to my face that you dislike me?
*sighs and rubs temples*
Posted 18 years agoI wish people would stop pussyfooting around and say it to my face. I can't take this- people just running away from what they should confront- the fact that they dislike me. I'd rather know than just keep chasing the broken dream that I could get into contact with those who ignore me, who claim to be friends....
Another Day
Posted 18 years ago...and I'm still living in the regrets of the past...
I can't stop thinking about those that hurt me. About how they don't understand...Or if they do, how cruel it was and just...
It seems as if all the people I let close to me betray me, and some without even knowing it. THose people end up pushing the blame on me, and THEY act the victims....
I just keep thinking about a guy I used to know. He was totally sweet... We started to develope a thing for eachother,but I was in a relationship. We figured we would meet at FurtherConfusion and see how things went. We talked for a while, and it was really nice. THen he started to ignore me... And then I get an email saying how he doesn't think he can be as monogamous as he said, and he continues to say that he's not interested in girls anymore, basically, because he got badly burned. This really, really hurt... Then every little journal entry of his I see is whining about how he doesn't have a boyfriend, etc. and then he shifts from only being into girls with a slight bi side, to being totally gay, and actually AGREEING with someone on misogyny.... Even though I was upset for a while, I still tried to be his friend, and we did meet at FC. He was nice at first, but whoa. He totally lied about how he looked...His fursona is lean, and a total stud, but he... Looked quite different. That also hurt. But yeah...So at frist he was nice, but then he totally ditched me the rest of the time....Once his couple-best friends came around...and after that he wouldn't talk to me, wouldn't comment on my art, not anything. I said some spiteful things, but that really hurt....A lot.
I'm sick and tired of seeing people changing their identity, changing their sexuality, everything, just because of a bad event. THat is NOT grounds for "changing" something that...You really can't change. I just wish that sometimes people would wake up, and realize how foolish and immature that is. I've known so many "gay" furries who aren't really gay- they just have that idea in their heads, because they; can't get a girl, had a bad experience with a girl, or think that all the fandom is is ga y men. I've had this confession from a bunch of them, I'm not making this up. I've heard crude and immature things about females so many times coming from the mouths of gay men...So when I see a gay guy who REALLY is gay, and not just sexist, I let him know that I really appreciate, and respect him.
Anyway...So the saga with one of my now ex friends' stealing my characters continues. She's/he's done it about four times....and it really hurts, and makes a mockery out of me. She said I was vindictive...I did NOTHING to gain revenge. If she had only ASKED me about what I had written, and learnt that it wasn't about her, than maybe she wouldn't have had to blow our friendship for some crazy delusions....
I keep seeing character designs that are really similar to my old characters, and it really does hurt, because they are very specific characters.... I'm positive that it's not just coincidence, especially given who the people are. I'm extremely offended, and shamed by this.
I'm so lonely, it's almost unbearable. I'll be going off to college soon, and I highly doubt I'll meet anyone that agrees with my views, and has common interests. Ever. I can't seem to find people into underground/non-mainstream type things that I get along with, or that don't support the things I don't support. THis has left me in agony.... I have no one to communicate with. Everyone that I do have is always too busy, or never picks up their phone, or, I think, secretly dislikes me. I'm really starting to think that my best friend could care less if I was alive, or dead. She has her own clique now, and I'm not really part of it I guess....
I wish I could find a pack- somewhere where I belong, where I am not judged, and where there is no need for me to judge anyone else.
I can't bear this heartache much longer... I don't want to get into my mental issues, because I don't want a pity party over those...and I also don't want to hear "oh, just change." or things like that. You have no idea just how hard it is to go through the shit I go through. Just like I have no idea about what anyone else is going through- but then again, no one ever trusts me enough to open up to me...and I never understood that because I have a good track record for trust.
Things seem... Pointless. Why am I even continuing to try at anything at all?
I can't stop thinking about those that hurt me. About how they don't understand...Or if they do, how cruel it was and just...
It seems as if all the people I let close to me betray me, and some without even knowing it. THose people end up pushing the blame on me, and THEY act the victims....
I just keep thinking about a guy I used to know. He was totally sweet... We started to develope a thing for eachother,but I was in a relationship. We figured we would meet at FurtherConfusion and see how things went. We talked for a while, and it was really nice. THen he started to ignore me... And then I get an email saying how he doesn't think he can be as monogamous as he said, and he continues to say that he's not interested in girls anymore, basically, because he got badly burned. This really, really hurt... Then every little journal entry of his I see is whining about how he doesn't have a boyfriend, etc. and then he shifts from only being into girls with a slight bi side, to being totally gay, and actually AGREEING with someone on misogyny.... Even though I was upset for a while, I still tried to be his friend, and we did meet at FC. He was nice at first, but whoa. He totally lied about how he looked...His fursona is lean, and a total stud, but he... Looked quite different. That also hurt. But yeah...So at frist he was nice, but then he totally ditched me the rest of the time....Once his couple-best friends came around...and after that he wouldn't talk to me, wouldn't comment on my art, not anything. I said some spiteful things, but that really hurt....A lot.
I'm sick and tired of seeing people changing their identity, changing their sexuality, everything, just because of a bad event. THat is NOT grounds for "changing" something that...You really can't change. I just wish that sometimes people would wake up, and realize how foolish and immature that is. I've known so many "gay" furries who aren't really gay- they just have that idea in their heads, because they; can't get a girl, had a bad experience with a girl, or think that all the fandom is is ga y men. I've had this confession from a bunch of them, I'm not making this up. I've heard crude and immature things about females so many times coming from the mouths of gay men...So when I see a gay guy who REALLY is gay, and not just sexist, I let him know that I really appreciate, and respect him.
Anyway...So the saga with one of my now ex friends' stealing my characters continues. She's/he's done it about four times....and it really hurts, and makes a mockery out of me. She said I was vindictive...I did NOTHING to gain revenge. If she had only ASKED me about what I had written, and learnt that it wasn't about her, than maybe she wouldn't have had to blow our friendship for some crazy delusions....
I keep seeing character designs that are really similar to my old characters, and it really does hurt, because they are very specific characters.... I'm positive that it's not just coincidence, especially given who the people are. I'm extremely offended, and shamed by this.
I'm so lonely, it's almost unbearable. I'll be going off to college soon, and I highly doubt I'll meet anyone that agrees with my views, and has common interests. Ever. I can't seem to find people into underground/non-mainstream type things that I get along with, or that don't support the things I don't support. THis has left me in agony.... I have no one to communicate with. Everyone that I do have is always too busy, or never picks up their phone, or, I think, secretly dislikes me. I'm really starting to think that my best friend could care less if I was alive, or dead. She has her own clique now, and I'm not really part of it I guess....
I wish I could find a pack- somewhere where I belong, where I am not judged, and where there is no need for me to judge anyone else.
I can't bear this heartache much longer... I don't want to get into my mental issues, because I don't want a pity party over those...and I also don't want to hear "oh, just change." or things like that. You have no idea just how hard it is to go through the shit I go through. Just like I have no idea about what anyone else is going through- but then again, no one ever trusts me enough to open up to me...and I never understood that because I have a good track record for trust.
Things seem... Pointless. Why am I even continuing to try at anything at all?
Depression+ AIM and Yahoo + 100 Themes Art Chal
Posted 18 years agoWell, folks... I am extremely lonely. My mate calls every night, but just to say goodnight- which is really sweet...But we hardly ever get to really talk anymore... School eats up that time, and what not...Not to mention long distance.
Now, I'm starting to realize that...I don't really have any friends. It's not like I scared them off (sorry to tell you that people actually don't think I'm, quote, a "vindictive bitch", Rhiannon. :3 ) I'm just really picky...With normal people....and the ones I do get along with seem...Busy, or already in a clique. I don't feel like I fit in...
I don't even have any online friends that I talk to on a regular basis- they either decide that they are flamingly gay, into things I do not approve of, but most of the time, they just give up on talking to me, because I don't want a MATE, I want a friend- and nothing even physically further than that.
Sigh....and I'm pretty sure that my best friend doesn't like me any more. I don't fit into her group, I guess. I never hear from her...and I'm really upset that a promise sort of went undone.
I guess this is what I get for paying so much attention to my boyfriend- now all my good friends are too busy with their loves to just, hang out, or talk. Not like it would matter, since most of them live more than 4 hours away....Sigh...
Life seems futile. I feel lost.
I got a new AIM sn! and I have yahoo now.:3 Yay! So note me if you want them
I got unlimited text messages and pix messages and stuff!
Sooo Note me if you want my cell numbah! :D
100 Themes Art Challenge! Draw one image for each of these themes. The rewards is that pic 100 is your choice!
Here are the subjects!
</l>1. Introduction </l>
2. Love
3. Light
4. Dark
5. Seeking Solace
6. Break Away
7. Heaven
8. Innocence
9. Drive
10. Breathe Again
11. Memory
12. Insanity
13. Misfortune
14. Smile
15. Silence
16. Questioning
17. Blood
18. Rainbow
19. Gray
20. Fortitude
21. Vacation
22. Mother Nature
23. Cat
24. No Time
25. Trouble Lurking
26. Tears
27. Foreign
28. Sorrow
29. Happiness
30. Under the Rain
31. Flowers
32. Night
33. Expectations
34. Stars
35. Hold My Hand
36. Precious Treasure
37. Eyes
38. Abandoned
39. Dreams
40. Rated
41. Teamwork
42. Standing Still
43. Dying
44. Two Roads
45. Illusion
46. Family
47. Creation
48. Childhood
49. Stripes
50. Breaking the Rules
51. Sport
52. Deep in Thought
53. Keeping a Secret
54. Tower
55. Waiting
56. Danger Ahead
57. Sacrifice
58. Kick in the Head
<l>59. No Way Out</l>
60. Rejection
61. Fairy Tale
62. Magic
63. Do Not Disturb
64. Multitasking
65. Horror
66. Traps
67. Playing the Melody
68. Hero
69. Annoyance
70. 67%
71. Obsession
72. Mischief Managed
73. I Can't
74. Are You Challenging Me?
75. Mirror
76. Broken Pieces
77. Test
78. Drink
79. Starvation
80. Words
81. Pen and Paper
82. Can You Hear Me?
<l>83. Heal</l>
84. Out Cold
85. Spiral
86. Seeing Red
87. Food
88. Pain
89. Through the Fire
90. Triangle
91. Drowning
92. All That I Have
93. Give Up
94. Last Hope
95. Advertisement
96. In the Storm
97. Safety First
98. Puzzle
99. Solitude
Art trades: Open
Commissions: OPEN PLEASE.
Requests: NEVER. Unless you are a friend. A good one, too.
Now, I'm starting to realize that...I don't really have any friends. It's not like I scared them off (sorry to tell you that people actually don't think I'm, quote, a "vindictive bitch", Rhiannon. :3 ) I'm just really picky...With normal people....and the ones I do get along with seem...Busy, or already in a clique. I don't feel like I fit in...
I don't even have any online friends that I talk to on a regular basis- they either decide that they are flamingly gay, into things I do not approve of, but most of the time, they just give up on talking to me, because I don't want a MATE, I want a friend- and nothing even physically further than that.
Sigh....and I'm pretty sure that my best friend doesn't like me any more. I don't fit into her group, I guess. I never hear from her...and I'm really upset that a promise sort of went undone.
I guess this is what I get for paying so much attention to my boyfriend- now all my good friends are too busy with their loves to just, hang out, or talk. Not like it would matter, since most of them live more than 4 hours away....Sigh...
Life seems futile. I feel lost.
I got a new AIM sn! and I have yahoo now.:3 Yay! So note me if you want them
I got unlimited text messages and pix messages and stuff!
Sooo Note me if you want my cell numbah! :D
100 Themes Art Challenge! Draw one image for each of these themes. The rewards is that pic 100 is your choice!
Here are the subjects!
</l>1. Introduction </l>
2. Love
3. Light
4. Dark
5. Seeking Solace
6. Break Away
7. Heaven
8. Innocence
9. Drive
10. Breathe Again
11. Memory
12. Insanity
13. Misfortune
14. Smile
15. Silence
16. Questioning
17. Blood
18. Rainbow
19. Gray
20. Fortitude
21. Vacation
22. Mother Nature
23. Cat
24. No Time
25. Trouble Lurking
26. Tears
27. Foreign
28. Sorrow
29. Happiness
30. Under the Rain
31. Flowers
32. Night
33. Expectations
34. Stars
35. Hold My Hand
36. Precious Treasure
37. Eyes
38. Abandoned
39. Dreams
40. Rated
41. Teamwork
42. Standing Still
43. Dying
44. Two Roads
45. Illusion
46. Family
47. Creation
48. Childhood
49. Stripes
50. Breaking the Rules
51. Sport
52. Deep in Thought
53. Keeping a Secret
54. Tower
55. Waiting
56. Danger Ahead
57. Sacrifice
58. Kick in the Head
<l>59. No Way Out</l>
60. Rejection
61. Fairy Tale
62. Magic
63. Do Not Disturb
64. Multitasking
65. Horror
66. Traps
67. Playing the Melody
68. Hero
69. Annoyance
70. 67%
71. Obsession
72. Mischief Managed
73. I Can't
74. Are You Challenging Me?
75. Mirror
76. Broken Pieces
77. Test
78. Drink
79. Starvation
80. Words
81. Pen and Paper
82. Can You Hear Me?
<l>83. Heal</l>
84. Out Cold
85. Spiral
86. Seeing Red
87. Food
88. Pain
89. Through the Fire
90. Triangle
91. Drowning
92. All That I Have
93. Give Up
94. Last Hope
95. Advertisement
96. In the Storm
97. Safety First
98. Puzzle
99. Solitude
Art trades: Open
Commissions: OPEN PLEASE.
Requests: NEVER. Unless you are a friend. A good one, too.
Uhh....Stalker?
Posted 18 years agoActually, the reason that I left FA for the first time was because of this little bitch- no pun intended (she's a dog). Okay, so, one of my "friends" watched me a while back. She never said anything about my art what-so-ever. Then, when I started, god forbid, to have an opinion about something, she went AWOL on my ass, and started posting extremely troll-like comments. Knowing that I have a temper, she only fed the fire. What I think is stupid is that she's defending something SHE KNEW I was against- something she's not even involved in right now. So uh...Yeah. I was so pissed off that she wouldn't leave me alone, and that yet I was betrayed by another liar, that I left for a couple months.
Well, I got lonely... None of my friends were contacting me since I'd left FA- not because of that, but because it was the easiest method of contact... And none of them were on DA, which I decided to re-join a month or so back.... So yesterday I said "Damnit, fine. I'll just have to make another FA account, and start fresh..." I guess I'll just have to be more careful with what I say here, because, you know, having an opinion = a big no-no.
Soooo I go to my page today, and there is another little dropping made by this mongrel. If you scroll down on my main page, you'll see a comment by Pucacorgi: "You get ten points for saying you're anti-sexual hedonism instead of poly.:D" Umm...That's creepy. Especially since I didn't even say that here. Also, lol, she took the time to go to my new account,to read my own journal, to make a comment on my page, just to troll? Wow. How said. And also scary. I really wish the mods could do something about it, rather than just block her off my main page. I'm sick and tired of hearing her little "yips". Also, I didn't say that I wasn't anti-poly anywhere.;3 I'm pretty sure I added that on with anti-sexual hedonism. I'm just anti-both. In most cases. Well, with poly, it's more like cynicism. Here's an analogy: hedonism= aetheistic beliefs for me- meaning I am totally anti hedonism, and don't believe that it's beneficial in any way. (I'm talking sexual). Now, poly, it's more of an agnostic belief- I am extremely cynical, because I haven't seen a case of the true definition of poly, where all members of the relationship are agreeing, not bat-shit insane, or not in it for the sex.
Anyway... I'm just a little creeped- out by this stalk-age....D: ;; and uh. Yeah. I'm kind of honored that someone would spend that much time just to make snide remarks to me- they must be pretty obsessed with me. *ruffs up neck feathers* :3
Well, I got lonely... None of my friends were contacting me since I'd left FA- not because of that, but because it was the easiest method of contact... And none of them were on DA, which I decided to re-join a month or so back.... So yesterday I said "Damnit, fine. I'll just have to make another FA account, and start fresh..." I guess I'll just have to be more careful with what I say here, because, you know, having an opinion = a big no-no.
Soooo I go to my page today, and there is another little dropping made by this mongrel. If you scroll down on my main page, you'll see a comment by Pucacorgi: "You get ten points for saying you're anti-sexual hedonism instead of poly.:D" Umm...That's creepy. Especially since I didn't even say that here. Also, lol, she took the time to go to my new account,to read my own journal, to make a comment on my page, just to troll? Wow. How said. And also scary. I really wish the mods could do something about it, rather than just block her off my main page. I'm sick and tired of hearing her little "yips". Also, I didn't say that I wasn't anti-poly anywhere.;3 I'm pretty sure I added that on with anti-sexual hedonism. I'm just anti-both. In most cases. Well, with poly, it's more like cynicism. Here's an analogy: hedonism= aetheistic beliefs for me- meaning I am totally anti hedonism, and don't believe that it's beneficial in any way. (I'm talking sexual). Now, poly, it's more of an agnostic belief- I am extremely cynical, because I haven't seen a case of the true definition of poly, where all members of the relationship are agreeing, not bat-shit insane, or not in it for the sex.
Anyway... I'm just a little creeped- out by this stalk-age....D: ;; and uh. Yeah. I'm kind of honored that someone would spend that much time just to make snide remarks to me- they must be pretty obsessed with me. *ruffs up neck feathers* :3
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