So.
Kid turned one year some weeks ago. She is a big girl now, walks by herself and pointing stuff with her finger.
Me.. I'm not that good, I suppose. Depression is taking me back, and now we are thinking that this could be something else, like manic-depression or something. (I don't know what the term is)
I have also gone back to think what went wrong some years ago. I have to rethink what happenend between my and B, and how it changed me after all. What I can do to this self-loathing.
I just.. Don't even want help.
I can make this work, I can do this by myself.
I don't want pity help.

*sigh*

Hi.
As you can see, I have been a little offline for a while. I see too that there is not much of watchers or comments, but I'ts ok.

I read the old journals from here, and started to feel bad for someone of you, who was watching me and try to cheer me up when I was down.
Now I say,
I'm sorry.
Depression is an asshole, and it makes people act like assholes too.
I'm feeling that that ogre is coming back, but this time I will fight with all my strength to not get it. I have something to fight for.
I have the worlds best and cutest child. I love her so much that I can't imagine! It's so weird at same time, to care someone so much that you could easily hurt yourself for her. You want to her be happy and even the blank stare is funny as what!

I have got my dear friend back too. I was missing him for that year what we weren't talking to each other. I was wondering if he was mad at me of something. I never did figure it out, but I'm glad that he is my friend again. *happy*

Only thing: I don't like winter. I want summer. Why it is not summer yet. SUMMER. HERE. NOW.

Finally I'm happy.

The little one is kicking in my ribs every night I try to sleep.
My belly is on the way most of the time.
It's hot here, so I sweat like a Nile.
My hips and groins are sore. It hurts like hell when I'm rolling from side to other side on bed, middle of the night.

But the little ones moving feels funny.
She has a hiccup often. It feels like a huge tic in my belly. And after five minutes she gets frustrated and wiggles after every hic. It's funny at daylight, but not when I try to sleep.
She also follows light. When I put my phone on my belly light down, she tries to grope it.

A little over month left!

Finally I can relax a little.

Been offline for a while. Been angry for people, for stupid people.
Now just sad. Where everyone has gone? There is people near me, dear people, but they don't talk to me anymore. At least they were dear to me.
I want to be part of something, some group.

Have been pregnant. Had miscarriage at week 8. It hurt a lot, and I notice now that not just physically, though I was feeling strong and like "nah, it goes if it will." I have been unsocial and.. offline.

Pregnant again, now at week 11, everything is fine now.
I saw the fetus moving at ultrasound, it wiggled. It was bit weird, but still relieving, that it is moving and alive.
I'm still scared and nervous, that what this will miscarriage too? One week left to worry..
It wawed its arms, they were like a small stumps.

I have feeled sick for a month now. Christmas was terrible, my birthday too, I just layed at bed for the night and sleeped. It's going to better now, I can eat and do things at evening. I don't have morning sickness, just evenings.

Still, so scared. So afraid, that what will happen, will I be a good mother? Do I know how to handle a little baby?

Sketch for a day, can't make it. Inspiration is somewhere else.

I try to be more active, and decided to start a Sketch for a day-challenge. I try to keep on at month for starter, but if I feel like I can do more, I'll continue. I'll upload first one soon.

Moving today ~

I think I'll move back to Tampere. Zomg.

Finally! After 4 months of searching, visiting interviews and "We did not pick you this time, sorry", I got a job.
I'll start at first of September being a nanny for two cute kids, 1.5 and 3 years old. Finally I can pay my rent full to my bobcat <3

*yay*

Well, I haven't been very active lately.. So let's make some report, what I have been doing. Or not doing, pretty same thing.

I live here, at nice apartment nearly one shopping center, I have now two cats, and the new one is again trying to disturbs me by slapping my keyboard or crunching of my screen. Or hands. Or legs.
Still unemployed, laying on my couch and playing NDS. I'm trying to find job, but with this education it's almost impossible. Living in hope..

Nothing much. Most time I spend alone or with my better half, 'cause I have no friends here. I have tried to get some, but it feels so hard to get along with anybody unfamiliar. I think always that "now I'm saying something stupid, she/he thinks I'm an idiot, I don't dare to get more information from her/him", and then I'll stay quiet. In starting point, again.. *thinks about times like 5 years ago*

It is even hard to talk them who I know. I don't know what to say, I feel that in interrupting or something. I feel that I don't belong to anywhere here, except this couch. I feel like.. No one even cares.
So, here I am sitting, and waiting for what's coming next.
*sigh*

Well, it could be much worse..

So, here's the situation.
I had to take my cat vet, cause of accident, and now I need to pay the bill back to my boyfriend. I need 120 euros to that, so I'm offering comissions with 10 euros/pic, flat colours and max 3 character. I can try to draw sexposes, but I'm not goot at them. I draw everything from amputations to babyfur. Send me note if you want to help me.

Seriously, I'm asking help here. Please.

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/2384451/ Free transformation art lol ->

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/2096948/

Argh. My old laptop is finally started to annoy me. Middle of internet'surfing it just turns off, and the battery is not charching. I think the problem is in the power supply, need to have new wire...
Can't draw! >.<

I were reading my older posts, and found that christmas-thing. This year, i'm bit confused, 'cause time goes so fast. This year, I'm not alone, so it will feel a bit weird. Hmh.
I haven't drew anything. I don't want to draw, 'cause everybody is excepting it from me. Waiting for inspiration..

My toughs now.. I'm waiting for christmas. It means now something more than last year. But still afraid of birthday. Confused, cause this year.. I'm not hating, that my birthday is coming. Somehow waiting... But afraid, 'cause I know it will be ruined. Something goes wrong, so I don't want to except anything.
But yea, not the time yet.

I'm quite happy right now.

Oh, 1500 goes by. Thanks~

Azuca is again replacing her missing relationships with Sims 2.

.......

I feel so... dropped out.
I guess the whole moving-thing at spring will be good.
It is already time to change city.

eääärrrhhgggg, I cancelled my place at the practical nurse-school.
I don't want to go school anymore, don't want to live with so small budjet. I will get more money of being jobless.
Oh well, need to do more plans..

Yea, like  littlewoof said, I got schoolplace to practical nurse.
My head is like one big spinning bowl now, 'cause all of my plans for autumn went messed up.
Well, I think I'll figure this out. I have time, still.

Ringed with strong bond, made of merely silver, but silver's good enought for me <3


*engaged 22062010*

Argh, it feels like that I can't draw anything at this time. Or I just need to take that freaking paper and pencil, and just start to draw.
Uhh. Lazy bastart.
And I need to try watercolors again. And oilpaints. And chachoal. And everything.
Too much to choice z.z

Maybe I start to draw pokemon's again.
Sounds like a plan.
And I need to practise with airbrush, too..
Maybe tomorrow.

It's raining. Heavy rain. Heh.
Want to go outside and run at rain, but it's dark so I will got scared. About Samara and stuff. Stupid movie.

Maybe I'll draw something tomorrow.

This little cat has noticed, that her mood is climbing up.
I'm happy for a long time.
And gosh, how this feeling came up so fast?
Some Lynx just.. Just crawled near to me, and made me happy.
Taked care of me.
I don't know how to describe this feeling. Happy, loved, reliefed, cared..
Someone finally is taking care of me.
I can let myself to fall, and Lynx will keep me up until I can walk again.

I love you.

Thanks!