Been a month, closer to two months, since my last one of these so ill do a little update.

Ill start with drawings.
Sorry ive been silent and havent uploaded the rest od demon lord, been a little out of it for a reason ill explain lower down and focused on drawing over uploading.
I have the 11 pages on webtoons and by bsky, ill upload the rest here tomorrow, and have 11 more on the way. I expect the new batch to be done for the new years.

I also have a xmas drawing in the works, did debate doing a ych thing where i add whoever asks, but im sorry to say im not feeling it.. so i got something else i think is cute in the works. I hope.

---

Ok, now why was i out of it?
Had another call from the hospital, two, and talked about options.. the hospital aluded to doing the surgery i wanted in the past, but them 2 calls highlighted that they only do so if its medically not possible to do the surgery i hate. (I wanted peritoneal grs, not penile inversion)
So they discharged me without even giveing me an appointment.

So what dose this mean? Well i wont be getting a surgery on the nhs, which i should be able to get, and instead am forced to save up 20k to fly out to Thailand and get surgery over there.
I do not have a job and the only jobs in my town are ones i am unable to do.. so im not too sure how im getting this money but its my current goal.

So far my plan is to learn to ride a motorbike so i can expand my job search.
If im successful i expect my already slow paxe of art to slow even more, but them the breaks.
But its why im feeling a bit off.

(Oh, and my face is in a fair bit of chronic pain, or my jaw is.
Last year i got punched in the face, might have mentioned that, and since my jaw has slowly been clicking more and hurting more. Im at the point i get around 4 to 8 loud squelches and my jaw almost always aches. Also tasts of metal after a click.
Its super weird but my gp sucks so like hell am i getting it checked out.)

A life update for the void.

First up is i finally got contacted by the hospital about some surgical stuff. Was an email for some basic info with the idea i get a call to book an appointment soon soooo, hopeing for that by the end of this month.
It mean im hopeing to get bottem surgery some time next year, so im real excited for that!

Next up, did some shopping today and bought a fidget ring, it goes spin on my finger so im slowly adding to my collection of wearable stims.
The goal is to have a full arsenal of stim jewlery that looks like normal jewlery. So i can stim without screaming "hay im autistic" so loudly. So far its a wiggley turtle mum gave me and this ring. (Any dangle earing count).

Little bit of littles update.. i was taken out in the rain to put my nose on a lamp post., like... i was supposed to be the big and they just..
Was not fair.
They also tethered me without me realiseing today, i thought it was just a backpack..



And finaly, i made some observations aboit social media.

BlueSky seems to have a short attention span, which isnt me doing a dig and more just an observation.
The reason i think this is because any single drawing does twice as good as any of the comic pages. Now it could just be im a shit writter, but i have a feeling its more a "single images are a easy look, like, swipe".
Funnily enough, furaffinity is honestly pretty even on comic vs single image. However what does best is anything kink/little, which i knew going in.

Im gonna keep doing comic stuff, and given i draw in bulk before uploading i might try and slip in more single images.
I have something angel related for halloween... but i also got little ideas for xmas as xmas is little time in my mind. The one day a year the family is ok with me being goofy.



Ok thats kinda all for my ramble, hope the void is haveing a good day.

Ok so umm..
When i first joined here and i saw my first comment? I was super excited. Like, a stranger saw me and thought i was worth talking too!
Its awsome.
And then i see familiar names pop up and before ya know it they are names now just takeing up space in my brain.. i love it! Please stay in my brain its rent free and has lots of daydreaming!

Umm, sorry.
So the main point is..
Last week when i posted page one of demon-lord, i silently posted it on webtoons. I even set a schedule and pre uploaded each page. (Why its more reliable to read there).
Since i uploaded the first page silently, i didnt expect a view much less a comment. I didnt even check! I just let it upload and walked off. Today page 2 came out, at 12 and on time thanks to the schedule, and since i was late elsewhere i only just checked it now....
Page 1 had a comment. A nice comment! Someone saw it and thought "this is worth my time to comment something positive".
Better yet? Page 2 had a comment, they came back!
Im ummm.. im really happy, its that same feeling as from here and one i continue to get. I love that your names take up space in my noggin. I struggle to always respond, im socialy akward, but i do try and love seein yall.

This is going to keep me up dopamine and all that.. i do need to sleep im helping move a boat.

---

Good transition.
General life?
Doing well. This new drawing cycle works. Do batches not singles. Already started on the next batch and its going well. Even gives time to dabble with a game!
Thats right im playing games again.. been a few months since i had. Im playing hollow knight, original one as i want to catch up to silksong. Its so damn good!
I do umm... i have started to chant hornets words after hearing them in battle. My friend im visiting is looking at me funny coz of it. Oh well.

As said, going on a boat... their new boaters with optimism. Thinking they can sail the canals faster than they can. Due to life commitments we expect to bail mid way but will help where we can.
Its enough they should learn what to do quickly.
Friend will teach, im just labourer, but friend is looking foward to not being the boat guy. They wanna relax a bit too, and they should be able too for some of it for once. We plan to go up front have a little picknic of junk food and draw. Watch nature. Cuddle.
For my draeing im gonna try sketch a few hopes and dreams pages. Its planned enough i can sketch them.
So expect that comic to return and be renewed.
(Not sure about babysitter. I wanna, we will see. I have to re organise it as the file system is a mess. How did i function? I improved demon lords files SO much. To a point i could direct my mum through them just fine.)

Think ive mentioned this before, but i hate presents.
Like a lot.
Lets ignore the fact bought gifts just exchanges of money, most the time, and focus on the gift it self. We have to try and guess what each other like. I suck at that!
"Oh just listen to what they want".. issue is, boyond me sucking, is i live in a family that saves then buys the things we want. If i want a foam clay for a cosplay id buy it. I wont wait for a gift. Same for family.makes gift buying hard.
"Oh think of somethink sentimental" i only got so many memmories lf that. Im makeing my grandad a gift and i admit i do have thoughtful ideas. As a kid i spent a LOT of time doodleing with my grandad. Im certain he is the reason i love drawing because he spent the time draeing with me. The thing we drew most though was trees so im drawing a tree and makeing a coaster out of it.
You would think thats all good, no issues then... this raises the bar! I hate raiseing the bar.
I dont have the same memories for every family member so for their birthdays or xmas im stuffed.

Im so doing a "the best gift to me is permission to not gift you something" year. Ya know make events about time together and not gifts.
Feel like i gave this rant 3 months ago... oh well. Expect more as i got a sibling and nan comeing up.

---

Ok rant new rant.
I know ive been missing comic pages and ive only uploaded a few doodles over this last month/2months. But i am working on something! Hard enough my sleep cycle has flipped again!
Ive jist been trying a new work flow and its made me a lot happier and productive. Trying a "set a mile stone then upload the batch slowly" instead of make up load make upload.

Think im halfway to the milestone mark, but im not setting a deadline. Ill upload when i upload.
Might upload grandads present idea here but other than that ill continue to be silent and excited for what im drawing..

Anyway, wanted to get brain vomit out.
Hope you are doing well, void creatures of the abyss... kisses.

Last few months ive started to grind my teeth, ive done it at night for years but its resent for the day time and well.. its ground my teeth down to the point it kinda hurts.

Did go to the dentist, they refuse to rebuilt the teeth or make a gaurd until i get a brace to fix the positions..
So never. Thats £1000 minimum i dont have.
So this is fun.

On a boat now, sun burned, and gonna snuggle a cutie.
Think of solutions i dont have.

I got back from the boat and since been working on my mums birthday present.. i'm late on it too, I just.. don't get it. Id rather skip my own birthday and thus everyone elses. I want people to spend time with me, not make/buy me things and thus I want to do the same for them.. But thats not how my family views it...

Anyway. Thats why no uploads yet, as my burning desire to make the comics I drew on the boat is on hold.


Side note, went out shopping today and ooo wee I felt like a scum bag at one point.
So it was honestly a lovely day out, not sure if me and the dude are being more serious about calling this dateing or not but were hanging out and thats what matters? Who needs labels.
Anyway. We stopped of in waterstones, a book store, as its my siblings favorite store. I *was* going to buy them a gift and get home and be like 'haha I bought it for me' to tease but still gift it, buuuut its their birthday soon and idk what they like. So I got em a gift card to buy stuff. (and Ill do a 'ill watch doggo' so their able to use it.. coz I didn't hold back. That card is loaded)
Now back to me.
I looked at some books, mainly manga, as I used to read a lot as a kid.. I was determined to do the things I struggled at and with dyslexia reading was one of em... but I got put off as a kid since manga was harder to get all the chapters. Now its been 10-15 years so I wanted to see if it improved. It has. They have whole series up which is great!.. but its the only copies.. so here comes my scumbag feeling. I just bought the whole series.
It was frieren: beyond journeys end and I wanted it.. but I do feel bad as I did see a few others looking at it.

Anyway thats my day/week. Work, books and cuddles with a cutie.
Hope your day is going well too! /3

Back at the marina, learned a lot on canal boating and had a blast!
Also learned a few things about myself.

During this i did do sketches of 2 comic ideas. One is a short thing called "boat police". The other was going to be short but turns out to be a tad longer. "How do i become a demon-lord"
I wanna do both tho so... eh.
Definatly outta the rut. Ill get home tomorrow and upload all ive been holding off on. Make room for these 2 new ones.

(Also also... i want a 25 foot cannal boat. Would be so nice!)

Such a good day!
Last night i had heat stroke so was rough, but i wore a hat today and its great! Was lovely and hot. (Im shocked i havent burned yet)

Lots of cuddles with the person im with and we kinda big and little each other. A contest to who is the bigger little... obvs me.

I do feel i slack a bit, as i just dont know how to run a boat, bit im trying to keep up. Im doing some of the roap stuff and im cooking the din dins. (Poorly, i forgot twisting pasta is different cook timea to spagetti but it tasted ok. Jist slightly under done. Was edible)

Ive also done lots of sketching and well.. 2 things.
I got a few random one shot comic ideas. Makes me want to upload the other one shots now so thats good. Ill get that moveing.
The other thing, turns out? I might have a tentical kink. It started oit as a joke but 8 of the 10 comic pages have tenticals. 10 of the 12 drawings are tenticals.
Looking back? I see traits of it in fantasies when i had a prominant sex drive, just never pieced it together.
So look foward to tenticals soon?
(The overtly sexual ones will go on my other account.. but ill keep the boarderline or safe here. Coz its not all porn)

Hay, so i didnt upload the page last month.. fun fact? Its done. I finished it on time i just have one thing i didnt like, so.. i procrastinated and now its like. Stuck. I feel i cant.

Im also finished on a secret one off comic, wanna do more of them. Also done just, cant bring myself to upload.

Finaly got this helltaker fan comic, not finished but like.. same issue.

Im hopeing i just lost momentum and walking away will help? Idk..
Ill try uploading end of next week as im currently put... speaking of.

---

Im in a boat! On a canal boat with a friend, one who is doing the marrage gag with me, and its super fun!
I forgot lots of stuff, like dummy and teddy, but i have diapers and a friend so thats all that matters? Right?
(And my wallet.. that too)

I did also bring a rather adult outfit. Going to prank their poly friends and pretend we got back from a hot date when calling them!
Tho we are going for food with me dressed up.. so.. is it a lie?.. dunno.

Oh oh final thing.
You heard of a thumper? No?
Its a massager used on horses... i said my back ache and he handed me a thumber. Said to "thump yourself"...
I mean, i did. My back no longer hurts but lord its a phrase.

My brain wants to do too many things..
I have a love hate relationship with my brain, for many reasons. Today's topic is how it gets the idea to do something and wants to do it no matter how illogical and bad the idea is. Example.

I saw a video of someone makeing a remote control wooden boat.
This reminded me of makeing pre made wooden kits with my grandad, was a lovely time.. I then wanted to make a boat like in the video. This would be fine if I had the skills, tools and time to make/learn. But I don't. Thankfully? I was able to talk some sense into my brain and gave up on that idea... but that's not always the case.

This isn't always a bad thing tho.. I wanted to be a vtuber on twitch, did it work out? no.. but I learned something when I tried to become one. I learned how to use Live2D, when makeing the Vtuber, and can use it to animate. (got something cooking for that, just slow as I got too many things I wanna do at once)

But lets get to what's more relevant.
Right now I want to make a video game. This is something i've wanted to do for awhile now but never had an idea on what to make as a game.. on top of that I have no clue how to make a video game.
Well I got an idea for a video game recently, not going to say it coz i'm mean, and its been stuck in my head. My brain going "make this, I know you wanna" to tease me.. and I can't stop it with logic.. I got a lot of reasons not to make it!
1. I don't know how to code, in any way, so id have to spend time learning to code even if its just a little. 2. I'm a slow learner so learning to code and make a game? will take a LOT of time I don't have.. or can justify on this endeavour. 3. I know going down this rabbit hole will make me ignore other things, like self care or my drawings.. coz I tend to hyper focus. 4.I have no reason to do it other than 'I want to'
Now thats a lot of no.. and hardly a reason to say yes other than my brain wanting me to.. and honestly? I wanna too, its been a desire since I was in high school and first thinking "what do I wanna do when I grow up".. my answer was make video games. Not draw stuff. (tho I'm happy drawing too, I love art still even if I'm lacking motivation most the time)

Now I've not really got a question for this.. or a statement really.. mostly hopeing to talk my brain out of this via writeing it down... its not working tho... so Ill try writing down some requirement? Conditions I need to pass in order to make a game? might deter or motivate me.

1. think of a good idea.. I got one but Id need to flesh it out. I know its a RPG puzzle adventure, with hints of a dating sim vibe, that id wanna do. That leaves it as a 2D game that I can learn a LOT easier than a 3D game... and lean on drawing for art/visuals. But I still need to flesh it out. So thats step one.
2. Figure out what engine and code language I would need, then learn to use the program/language. To do this? id make something with some of the basic mechanics I wanna use. Like.. needing to move the charecter. I'd need to learn how to move a cube like its the player, no art. Coz why spend time on art if I can't code for shit..
3. Consider how long this project would take me.. I don't wanna start something that will take over a year, I got 2 of them already.
4. Consider obstacles, like the dog. Anytime the family leaves the house? I'm left watching the dog. So at least 2 times a week if its a slow week... something like that will make learning a lot harder, coz I hyper focus... Due to the dogs illness? there are talks of him being put to sleep, as he's getting to a point were worried for his quality of life. So that obstacle might be gone, but id have to consider other projects.. So rule 4 is have only 1 other project running so I can focus and do quality.



Aaaaaanyway.
That's the end of my rant, thanks for coming to this talk.
Got a random comic page coming out tomorrow, so look forward to that, and I hope you're all having a fantastic week so far!

Finished my xmas gifts!.. mostly.
Some need a few finishing refinements, but nothing I can't do on the side. (Honestly its things I could ignore too, small issues) So I'm considering it done enough that its no longer my only focus. (Ill post a picture on it later, when the resin sets fully)
I have since been asked to help with my siblings presents, and given how much they help me in life? I can't say no.. (well I could but that be rude) But I saw what their asking me to do and I'm convinced I can bang that all out in one evening.. its a repetitive task, not my siblings cup of tea but its certainly myn!

Oh speaking of tea, side point.. I've been getting into tea. I have at least one a day now.
Second "oh" moment. I just learn ctrl+Z works on this.. I thought it wouldn't since its a web browser.. am I just dumb? idk.

So what am I going to do now?
Well, I'm not planning to post the next babysitter page until after xmas. (I'm aiming for new years day, coz I wanna upload on wednesday)
What I am doing, is going to start drawing a page, I have 2 weeks and the second week will include xmas itself... plus the extra time is needed since I haven't drawn on my tablet for 2 months.
Another thing ill do, is plan something.. but thats very minor. (Hint, look back to the "bad end" journal. I'm not committing to doing it, but I was enjoying the planning of that so wanna do more of it now that I'm free from zmas gifts)

Hay hay.. sorry for spelling mistakes on my phone.

Whittleing away at xmas presents, but today? I did something a bit different. I made a butt load of stew! Like.. 12 peoples worth!
Im gonna be takeing it to an event tomorrow!

Ive rarely cooked for other people, and when i do its hit or miss.. ive also never cooked for a group ether.. but i worked super hard on this!
I made sure to have a vegan one too, cleaned all the sides and tools multiple times so like.. no chance any aninal slipped in!

Now i did mess up once, and that not haveing enough containers, in advance, to store it in for tomorrow.. but i found some so its not a bit mess up.


Now. Even if this fails, we tend to go somewhere after. So if i fail? Im sure thats something people will do still.. probably.
So im gona class this as a win.
I did an adult thing and cooked for 12 people.

Had a bloody amazin day today! 3 main reasons.

1. I bought a snow suit last year? or early this year. But the people making it didn't get the size right and refused to fix it, had plans to pawn it off but nothing really happened.. well with the weight loss it now fits me. Happy accident I guess. Anyway
It was cold enough today that i decided to wear it, and dear god it was comfy! Like wearing a pillow!.. we did find a needle used to hold fabric together in the booties, dw didn't stab me, but it was so nice!.. I genuinely was upset to take it off after. Just.. Can't wait till next months event to wear it again. Winter rules!

2. The snowsuit made me a pillow so.. I got lots of cuddles! for the last hour me and someone just cuddles up in a pile of teddys and kinda napped. So peaceful!.. think we have a picture but I won't share that here...
They layed on me mostly, as I was a pillow, and I kinda felt like a big sibling? idk... I've always been the youngest so idk if the feeling is quite right. It does confirm/reinforce that id like to be meet someone I could be a big sibling too.

3. And the big one.
After the event we were at the pub haveing a meal, bit normal. Some of the folks noticed my kak handed eating style, it is odd... I struggle to use utensils in a normal way, I can if forced just.. Not my thing.
Anyway, they noticed and it was kinda funny, but the main big of the event decided it was their job to teach this little how to hold some utencils and well.. buttons were pushed in a good way, I was very flustered and silent.
I did use them properly for a bit but, returned to my normal style. I just find it more comfy.
The act of him doing that is in my head tho, feeling him behind me. Just his presence. takeing and adjusting the utencils in my hands, hearing his voice in my right ear.. even now its making me fluster a bit.

I know I'm not into the guy, so its just the whole "the adult is helping the little" thing. Still.. tempted to break my little "no draw till xmas gifts are done" coz I really wanna savour that memory.


(oh, and I'm getting the feeling my little personality might give the wrong idea to some on lookers, like... with the person I was cuddling / letting lay on me coz I was a pillow. Some folk asked if we were a couple, nothing wrong with it just. interesting as I've been asked that at other events with others I cuddle with. Dunno, not changeing my little side tho, big me will accept all the questions and keep things clear)

Was the food lady resently and i'm at 81kg, which is 25.7bmi.
My goal is 25bmi sooooo... I'm there pretty much.
I know the 0.7 is un satisfying, but its close..

So, this all means I'm off step one, No more just haveing shakes.
I'm now on having shakes for the morning and a real dinner in the evening which.. I'm not gonna lie is a bit disappointing. I started to enjoy the whole "my meal is sorted, I don't need to think" aspect.
I'm confident going into this tho, I got given a calory book. So ik exactly how much food = calories. Which I never knew before, which frustrated me! I'm good at following rules, I just need to know the rules.


Now this all has another side benefit, I can finally start to get some new clothes. All my old cloths don't fit anymore, i've been useing my old dungarees as they have the shoulder straps.. won't fall down.
But now i'm gonna go on a shopping spree and get new clothes, and alter my old dungerees I wanna keep them.

ok thats all of an update I have. Bye, hope ya doin well.

Hoi hoi!
Been awhile since i talked about the diet so.. here i am! Here to yap about that..

(First bit is my weight/diet.
Second bit is the exotic meat
Third is a show i watched... i umm.. its hot)


So im currently at 84.5kg, which is a bmi of 27ish? I think.
The last time i updated here i think i was 90 something kg but i dont remember.
Im getting closer to a bmi of 25, im aiming for 23 so im firmly in a good weight bracket.

Have noticed some weird things tho, like.. i can feel my bones way more than i could before. I dont think its unhealthy, like its my shoulder socket for my arm.. my collar bone is actualy visable, which is amazing! Like...
I think collar bones are super hot.
Mega hot.
Only thing hotter is a muscular back.

My joints are also say more clicky.
The knuckles have always clicked, i can do that consistently on command if i want. But my wrist? Toes? Ankle? Knee and shoulders? Nope.. thats new.
My jaw is also clicking and squelshing a lot. I move it to the side and it does a huge click and squelch. Its kinda painful kinda not.. started before i got punched tho so that didnt cause it., doubt it helped it tho.

The last thing im noticeing is enerfy levels.
All around they have dropped. Both feeling tired and lack of motivation.
Probably not food related tho.


Next up.. FOOD!
Ye up there was just my weight.
Last weekend i had a bbq at nan and grandads, i did all the cooking and im proud of ma self. (Normaly im just the assistent)
As for the taste.
We had a variety of exotic meets to chose from, but the family were fairly tame in wanting beef and lamb. Fair enough, more kangaroo for me!

I got more meat to try still but the main things i tried was zebra, kangaroo and frogslegs.
So i got. Bit confused after grabbing my meet, what she said, but i think the zebra was the one i liked the most.
It had a lot more flavour and was more gamey? Idk the word but it was amazing!
The kangaroo was all right, could of used a little something tho.
The frogs legs tho, that tasted of sea water but without the salt. It was a no... but, looking back i did just fry em. I had no clue how to cook frog... maybe butter and garlic? Or.. idk.. googling wtf to do? I got another 10 sets of legs so ill try more later.


Cheeky littke bonus info..
Ive been watching jjk, jujutsu kaisen, and oh boi.. i umm.. i certainly have a new crush. Or someone i want to daddy me.. *drools over gojo*
Wha? Im a basic bitch ok!
Did a sketch of him on paper.. with cloths.. (glad i said that, dont want you knowing i drew dadd- gojo naked)


Okaaaaay, hope ya havein a good week!
Bye bye

Would you be interested in reading something with a bad ending?

Ive mentioned a few comic ideas before but i struggle with motivation, and comitment.
I thought about why i can keep doing babysitter, and well.. its coz its trying to depict something i dreamed and i have hope it can do it! So even though ive made a lot of mistakes. Its serving its purpose.
(Got a few more reasons, like.. i dont follow the plan strictly. I get to design some pages on the fly and not worry about loseing direction)

But the other ideas.. their empty.
No hopes or dreams.. well.. some had em, but they were weak.

Resently ive been reading "my crossdressing senpai". (Yes i learned of it from the anime comeing out.. its still a good read)
Well it reminds me of some other comics. "The prettiest platapus" "i wanna be an anime girl" and even more so "rain".
They all got a simular vibe.. and i cant say this for a fact but it feels like it has a dream their hopeing to depict? Idk..
Shine gives me that vibe too..
Wonder if thats the mark of a good foundation? (I wanna say i hope so. Coz it means i learned stsp one.. but i learned jack so far XD)

Its all made me think about my comic, hopes and dreams.
I stopped that comic coz it was my first one and i didnt plan it, made haveing a direction impossibe. But i also lost hope id achive the dream.. my dreams.
Well..
What if i dont?
What if the dream gets depicted, we just dont get to see it happen?

Not saying more.
Not sure i will even try to re do the comic.. but if i did...
Would you still read it knowing it had a bad ending?
Would you be upset to find a bad ending if you wernt told?

Just woke up, like 5 mins ago, cant tell if im happy or sad.

A few things happened, but the main jist is in the dream it was my birthday. I had to do a load of tasks and jobs and right at the very end i was carrying so much it covered my face. (Think it was pizza boxes.)
Was guided infron of everyone, un aware, and told "we dont serve pizzas". I dont get how that was a que to jump wildly but i did, threw the pizza boxes everywhere. "Happy birthday" is sung and confetti goes everywhere.

I havent celebrated my bday in a few years. Most we do is the ocasional take away so no one gotta cook.
No actual. "Its your birthday" *jaz hands*
Its fine as i want that, if i ever celebrate it again i wanna go bowling.. and id probably do it so i invite all ma little friends. Coz THAT would be fun. (Its also how i spent em as a kid. Had a joke that every bday was spent bowling.. guess thats still the case since we stopped celebrateing)

Anyway.
Its not my bday. Wont be for half a year still. Just.. the dream made me happy and sad.
Highlighted that i kinda miss haveing one.
(No i wont do the when it comes around. Until i can afford bowling i aint doing it)

hmmm, I'mma start this with the food thing.
I wanna try some exotic meats.

For the most part, I have a rule that i'm willing to try anything at least once.
Remember watching a Gorden Ramsey video where he goes to another contry and tries some food, and one was honey roasted wasps? was that a Ramsey video? idk. But I hate wasps, terrify me to the point of fleeing the room. (well, flee if its just me... I learned ill stick around and fight if the cat is around. Id rather the thing sting me than Merlin or Emris)
After watching that video as a kid I came to the conclusion that id be willing to try the wasp, and most things. Like. I can't justify hateing something If I never gave it a chance. So Ill try it all once.
This kinda grew into a craveing to try everything once, coz like.. what does it taste like? I wanna know!

I have experimented a bit, but back then we weren't too well off. (my favorite childhood meal is caned soup and pasta, was mums too coz it was cheap) So It was limited to what we could afford, but I did try rabbit and venison. Again not too uncomon. I liked em both.
But now? well... I'm not flowing in money but I have canceled a few things so I will have a little bit of cash, and the desire to try somethings have come back. (also from watching videos) So I did a google to see how much it would be to get some meat here in the uk... its honestly a pretty good price.
The website has a good variety, like: Crocodile, buffalo, goat, horse, kangaroo, elk, ostrig, mouflon and a few others.
By them selves I think it would be a bit much to pay but they have a burger box with most of the meats. And again, its priced pretty good. Its like £2 a burger or something. Better than the normal beef burgers are priced at. So Imma get some!

Not for this weekend, as I got plans and no money at this moment, but for next weekend. Gonna go to nan and grandads with em and cook em up. Sure grandad would be interested... nan not so much, but they like bbq thats with cows and chicken so thats fine. Ill get them a bit of that...
I mean, the pack does have some in it too just.. a little different. Wild boar, which is basically a none domestic pig, and rose veal. I'm a bit iffy on the veal tho, its baby cow. Idkw but the idea of eating a baby is off putting, but ill try anything once...
(they also got frog legs, not as a burger but as a stand alone thing.. I might.)

I am wondering how are furry oc's would react to this tho... I mean they eat meat too, in some universes we make... Do... do both the anthropomorphic and just animal variants exist? are they different enough to not be cannibalism? Could animal remains be used to messy up crime scenes? oh dear.. This is a rabbit hole.
Lets swap over to none food things.

----

I tidied a few more things today, gone through my art stuff.
Found I have a lot of silly art kits like a pet rock painting kit, little statue to paint, lego, 2 inch canvases... few things I can just mess about with. So I will! Might put me in a little mood? Coz the pet rock seems very little. (mum got me it for xmas... she knows i'm a little, didn't just get her 23 year old rocks for no reason)
Also learned a few of the sketch books I was storing are empty. Some are my old uni ones, and I thought the rest were my siblings uni books, coz they looked the same. (went to the same uni) But nope. Their empty. So I might use them to study interiors and backgrounds.
I have tried digitally but I get a bit put off, wanting to find a cheat. But I cant cheat a book, and I feel it be fun to do traditiona medium after so long of not.
Do need to find where the paints went, I remember sorting them out before so they might now be in the loft... wanna get em as I found a better place in my room that is far more organised. (and accessable, my supplies were hard to get to before)

Anything else on my mind?... nope. don't think so.
Hope yall are having a good week /3

( Link for the meat, if ya want it: https://www.keziefoods.co.uk/ - https://www.keziefoods.co.uk/produc.....rger-meat-box/ )

Im thinking of takeing some form of self defense class.. or something simular.

My town hasnt ever been the friendliest. Even as a kid the town was pretty nasty, i mainly got by coz i was a) a kid. But b) white and male presenting.
But now im not male presenting, im trans.. still white tho. Just slightly more tanned coz i like tank tops and hate sun cream.

I first presented female outside my hometown, when i went to uni. I never got insulted or anything there. I had some scares but nothing specificly coz im trans... (well train dude could be but he tried messing with cis women too soooo.)

But since moveing home ive had a few off coments and insults. I laugh most of em off, or dont aknoladge the weaker stuff. Its genuinly funny to me. Words from a stranger will never hurt me. (It my friends i fear, that would hurt)

Yesterdays scuffle tho shook me up, but over ill im fine. No physical harm and its given me a different out look.
I may not enjoy life, but i still wanna live. Or why eose was i scared? Why did i ask for him to stop?..
So
If i wanna live. Then i should be prepared to defend myseld. To protect this life.
Coz i dont wanna feel that way again.
I want the confidence to do something. Not just keep walking hopeing the bottle thrown at me wasnt for me.. thats silly and dilusional.

Plus...
I hear doing an activity is a good way to make friends. So. Ye... could be fun.

Ill need to look at whats local, what i can afford, and see about when as i wanna wait for the country to simmer down a bit before traveling alone.
But i really wanna do this.

Sooooooo if you got some recomendations id like to hear it.
Something that is fun, but still practical.

(Ik martial arts isnt great for self defense, someone useing a knife correctly will often win. But i want the confidence to know it. To act in some capacity.)

Hay, So ill start with i'm fine. couple of aches and bit of swelling.
Doing fine.

Ok so here is the context to the post.
I was supposed to go to the food lady yesterday, but riots were scheduled to happen yesterday so I re scheduled the appointment. Most of what I see onlines is emphasiseing the racial aspect of the riots, and it is the main thing their rioting about. But I knew racists would also be transphobic.. or at the very least I could be cought in the cross fire. So again. I re scheduled, wanted next week but I got the next day. Today.

Didn't think it would be that bad, i've never been attacked before so like.. didn't think I ever would? I have been harassed before but its never gotten violent. Just creapy or funny. (I find insults to be funny, there is human in being called a fetish. Coz I must be sexy to be one :P)
The journey started off well. Avoided the main shopping area and passed the train station no problem, so figured I was in the clear. Even had plans to go shopping after coz things were going well.
Well I got to the street the lady lived on and things turned south rather quickly.

I didn't notice myself pass anyone, I was being very observant. More so than normal. Sure I had my floppy hat on, wich covereed my side views, but I could see in front of me and I was turning my head at crossings to actively look. not passively. So again. I was more observant than normal. But I must of passed him, or he came out of a house or something.. but some dude threw a glass bottel from behind.
Thankfully it missed, shattered in front of me. (think I got some in the rubber of ma shoes) At this point I should of done something. Run, scream, fight back, run.. idk. But my response was to just.. carry on. Pretend it didn't happen. Hope its not actualy at me. Or that they would lose interest?
They didn't.
I heard them yell "oi" real loud a few times and I did see them pop up to the side of me, just in my vision. I didn't see a face but I saw them.... and before I really figured out what I was curled over a wall with my hands covering my head. Only thing I could wimper out was "please dont" as I started to cry.

In case thats not clear, he clocked me on the jaw. Real good swing too, coz it left a mark on the inside of my cheek. (mark of my teeth) and now its swelling up with a bruise.
I've never been punched before, it hurts but.. more jarring. The motion happens so fast. I didn't know what was happening just that I was in danger.
Thankfully two folk were walking the oppisite way to me and I think scared him off, coz the next thing I knew they were asking if I was ok.
(they also asked if he was my friends.. I was balling my eyes out at this point so answered directly. No. but like.. yes. All my friends throw glass bottles and punch me in the head. Don't yours?... sorry I shouldn't sass my saviours)
They gave me their address so i've passed that to the roggers. (police) They might be able to get a facial description from them. (all I saw was the dickheads tracky bottems and jumper.. was unzipped so good shot they saw him)

Anyway.
I get to the food ladys, I rushed their as fast as I could, and got let in early. She had a client already so I had to wait in the front room but I couldn't stop the tears or anything. She offered to drive me home but I had contacted mum by that point.
On the way back mum noticed a few of the houses have a door cam so like. Chance they have something too.
When home I curled up with colin for a bit and cried, then mum came in to give me a hug too. (wasnt immediate as she called the popo for me)

Now, I wanna emphasise this. I'm fine.
It ultimately was just a punch in the jaw. I got a bit of swelling and some aches around my head in general but i'm awake. Cognitive. All good signs.
And after the initial shock I came to the conclusion.
He had the privilege of making me scared. He made me fearful. He doesn't get the privilege of making this a bad day. I've had bad days, this ain't gonna be one of em! So I did some more sorting in my room, put ma food away, discussed some money things with mum and just. Over all chillin. Gonna order take away tonight so I chew more, get the injured muscles moving and blood pumpin to em. (its a jaw, eating is exorcize for them XD)
It was all just a big scare, and me not fitting my shorts is what ruined this day. Thats right. Shorts. I bought an amazing pair of shorts 3 ish years ago but I got to big for em. I tried em this morning and bam. I'm too small for em. Devastating. hehe.


Ok gonna end this now.
Thanks for the hugs, ill be playin minecraft rest of the day. /3 (oh and be safe)

I always thought id never care. Thought it ment i could fight back. Thought it wouldnt matter coz i dont even wanna be alive.
But when it happened all i could say was "please dont" as i crawled up in fear.

I couldnt even run after.

Only reason it stopped is coz someone saw.
I couldnt even look at my saviors face. Just..

I hate life.

So, desided to use the time I can't draw wisely and have been tidying up and re organising my stuff.
I've wanted to for ages, like I got a list of things I need to do in a particular order with the end goal of my art supplies being re homes the shelfs taken down and the old tv being hung above my pc to act as a 3rd monitor to do very official and professional work.... (I wanna watch cartoons up there XD I've seen bluey clips, a couple episodes a year ago at an event but over all.. I haven't seen much. I just know I like the vibe of the show and haven't had the space to watch more)

Anyway, one of the things I had to sort was my wall of kalex units. (its a small wall, but full of useless junk)
Most of it was fairly easy to sort, but one thing baffeled me, medium sized white box. Why did I have it? its completely un named.
Took a little peek to see what secrets it held... aaaaaaaaaannd.... Its my drawing tablets box. It used to have most of the wireing, still has a couple bits that I don't need. Like a usb-c to usb-c that my pc dont need, the cable with the blue chonky thing, a spare drawing pen.
THATS RIGHT! Past me bought a spare pen! and I forgot about it! Guess she used are last brain cells to buy it, but didn't leave enough to remember doing so XD

Anyway. Long way of saying I found a pen for my drawing tablet that I forgot I had coz it was hidden. So can now draw.


Currently, I'm working on a request I got from someone. I don't wanna do anything on the comic till after the sorting out as I wanna finish that. But the request should be quick? right?
nope. What they asked isn't too bad, but I can't draw the angle to save my life... maybe you have an idea?

Ok so here we go.
Imagin your holding 2 balloons, both of them have a face drawn on them.
The balloons are up to your chest, face towards you.
How is one supposed to look at you and see both you face and the baloons faces?
From the front we'd only see your face. From the side we'd get side profiles of your's and one balloon's face.
At an angle between the front and side you could see your face and glimpses of the 2 balloon faces, but not much of em.
I'm kinda out of ideas tho..
So if you have one Lemme know. (If not id just tell em I can't do it, was a request so no money is on the line just.. wanna do my best try)

Im still amazed at how social and brave lily is... how i am when being little.


If i was in a room with folk i didnt know as adult me. Id just, mind my own buisness. I would say hi and instead wait for someone to interact with me. Hope it goes well.
But lily?
2 months ago at the first local event, actively engaged with a room of strangers.
Last month i engaged with some new ish folk, i might of engaged with em a bit the first time but a very small amount if so.

Today i was playing with all of them, playing tag but with pokes. But i saw a person to the side. She was kinda lookin over like she wanted to play but didnt know how to engage... looking back its kinda how i acted back in primary school, even at my first ever littke event.
Lily didnt really think much, maybe thats the key, and instead just went over and gave her a gentle poke on the arm. Trying to encorage her to join the game. It worked. She joined.

Adult me would never. Id worry i was being annoying. Lily is so amazing!

The person had also brought a kit to build a fort. Its a frame we assemble and drape blankies on.
I wonder if i never poked her would she have still brought it out to play?
We wouldnt of thrown the ball pit over people if i didnt poke here.. and wd assembled it where the ball pit was..
Idk.
Amazing how a small poke might or might not have changed the whole session. Her experience. My experience.
(She did hug me and thank me for going to her, so ik it was a good experience)


Im also amazed at how lily handled something i couldnt do back when i was an actual kid.
We had someone in a wheel chair in my class. I never knew how to play with them.. so i didnt.
But we had a wheel chait user at the event and i niticed are fort woukdnt be big enough for her to wheel in... and well.. i wanted her to be able to join in So i kinda pushed us to make it bigger and didnt think much else.
Think adult me might of worried i was over stepping, or something... idk.. or simply locked up.
Lily didnt. She didnt contemplate anything other than wanting her to play too.

I think... im slowly getting more and more jelouse of lily.
She really is everything i wana be.
(I know.. lily is me.. but my personality changes so much when im being little. I came home with my cheeks hurting. I smiled to much. I rarely smile as an adult. I always over think silly things)

---

Oh and side not.
I think pokeing is a perfect way to read someone at a littes event.
- As said it helps make friends, as shown above.
- It helps gauge energy levels, if someone wants to draw their not gonna engage in the poke as much as someone wanting to run around and be chaos.
- i do the first one gentle like, so if a sensory issue happens they can tell me easyily. No issues. (Not happened yet tho)
- and weed out bad vibes...
Dont wanna elaborat much but i tried a poke on a guy who was to thr sides but watching us play. The stare i got made my gut scream run in a horrid way.
Tried talking in the kitchen, was grtting a drink and he walked in andwere alone, but it again felt off. I dont get them feelings much but when i do i listen coz its gotta be something. (Few more thing but.. not here)

Ignore the side bit of a guy givring me bad vibes. Last month story.
Today i had so much fun, and im feeling able to be more mentaly stable for a few weeks.

Hoped you had a good saturday too.

Love a good old depressive and self destructive episode. Really gets the 4th dimensional beings sitting on the edge of their seat.. or something..

Guess Ill start with sorry,
Tried to delete a few of my accounts today, this one included. Surprisingly their hard to delete, most of em have a 30 day clause before takeing action. (Like 30 days after requesting it)
Might of discovered that before but forgotten it. Still. Its kinda nice its a thing coz by the end of the day I ordered some cheat food and regreted my choices.
I'm just, frustrated. This is the only skill I have, well I guess ceramics is another but I can't use that.
So its frustrating.
Makes me resent this skill coz if I had a social life of any kind I might of learned more skills, or done other things.

Anyway, I doubt this will be seen for a few days. In the deleting process I clicked the disable option. Turns out you cant re activate an account for 72 hours. Honestly surprised I can make a journal coz I cant even see account page. (I used the drop down menu in the top right, guess it didn't expect that)

In this episode I also destroyed my pens, for the tablet.
They were kinda on their way out anyway, like cracked down the entire shaft and the chips inside were wobbling from the previous damage. Shocking they worked at all. But they don't now.
Ittle cost me a pretty penny to get a new pen. Which is a shame, despite todays episode I was close to finishing tomorrows page. Not close enough to post yet but I would have finished it in time. (even now, if I had a pen I could still finish.)
But hay ho.
Ill be able to order one on the 18th and it normally takes a week to arrive so we got about a month of waiting.

In the mean time.
We have had talked about doing the shed out. If we do then it might get some electric run down there and I could possibly get a mini kiln and a throwing wheel... potters wheel? I can make pot in the shed! hehe..... (legally that's a joke. Personally also a joke. I don't do drugs other than estrodol)
Might focus a bit on some games, if I get past the grindy bits id have a lot more fun just building a city. I do miss building. It used to be rather relaxing, kept these episodes in check for a few months if I remember.
Or lessened them.
ummmm... Thats kinda it tho. I got no major plans. Just gotta wait for the pen.

So again, sorry bout this.
Thanks for still being here.
See you in a month.
*smooch* (oh thats a good sign, silly jokes on episodes and little smooches. Next ill be talking to myself again)

I reached the 2 stone mile mark.
Which is fun i guess.
Im at 90.6kg acording to the ladys scales and acording to my own im 89.8kg.. lets go with myn aya? Hehe. Walking adds weight for some reason.

Over all im happy with the direction, and the smoothie/milkshakes used arent too bad.
Im also not being super stricked about it. Sure not breaking the diet all thw time but im not being misserable. Had a crisp sandwhich as my treat today.

Oh abother good thing!
Foot size, i was an 8 but after speaking with the person im not a 7 and a half (uk size)
Might of mentioned that before but ye. Hopeing to get to a 7 by the end but it could be wishful thinking.