I finally feel like some progress is being made

First, regarding last week, I'm unsure if I should keep discussing it publicly. I feel like even bringing it up publicly was the right thing and I should've just stayed silent. I feel sorta like I threw a live grenade or something like that. Even if I did the right thing, I still feel like it was handled poorly, and I'm sorry. I've got a lot of emotions still swirling around about it that I'm still trying to process. I do want to thank everyone who helped me through this past week. I don't intend to use you guys as my therapist. I already have a therapist, and I am also planning on attending a support group for SA victims.

This week there weren't any terrible repressed memories.

So I went into this with a question. Why do I keep lying? But I feel like I already knew the answer. I'm unhappy. I've known this for years. But was there something deeper? Surprisingly? Not really. I'm unhappy, and want to be someone I'm not. And subsequently, the question of "why am I unhappy?" is also pretty obvious. I'm useless and bad at everything.

Turns out, I've been asking the wrong question. The question I should be asking is "why aren't you doing anything about it?"

Let me take you back. Throughout my childhood/adolescence, I was enrolled in a variety of extra-curricular activities. Sports, instruments, etc. you name it, I probably tried it at some point. I gave up on all of them. Why did I do this? Because I was bad at them. But, of course I was. Has anyone ever played a piano and been amazing right off the bat? No, of course not.

Then why the hell have I given up so easily on so many things? Simply put, I have never received anything but negative reinforcement. My family would frequently tell me how awful I was at everything I did. Things like "That was awful, you need more practice." Or "That's the best you can do? Have you been slacking off?" Stuff like that. It made me miserable. I distinctly remember at 8 years old, playing violin, and being part of a recital for the first time. When I got home, my entire family spent the entire night berating my lack of skills, and how I was the worst one in the show, and that I would never be a world class violinist at my rate. I never touched the violin again after that night.

This continued up until I graduated high school when I was in the drama club my senior year, which I really enjoyed, but I didn't pursue anything like that after, cause once again I was told that I was terrible at it and wasn't applying myself. Looking back, I'm kind of amazed I even graduated high school since I didn't have a 4.00 GPA. Being set loose was overwhelming to say the least, and looking back, it's no wonder I flamed out in just two years.

But if you remember, I did draw for a few years. Why did I stop? I think I'm about to say a phrase countless furries have said in horror at one point. My mom found my FurAffinity page. She didn't see anything overly-fetishy, but finding out I was an artist opened up a whole new avenue to tell me I sucked at something and needed more practice. This completely killed my enthusiasm. This almost happened to my writing when a few years ago, my dad found out I wrote short stories, but he never saw any of my works, and I want to keep it that way. Still hasn't stopped him from suggesting I take a creative writing class every chance he can.

I think this goes a long way to explain why I feel so averse to trying anything. I've basically received nothing but negative reinforcement my entire life. I think this goes a long way to explaining why when someone mis-took my ex-boyfriends art for my own, I decided to run with it. I'm so starved for positive reinforcement, I'm willing to do some shitty dishonest things just to get it. This isn't an excuse. In fact, it's still pretty pathetic. But I understand myself a bit more.

Don't mistake this for me asking you all to go easy on me. I don't want people to treat me any different. Once again, this is all about being as transparent as possible. But it actually feels like I'm moving forward. I really want to thank everyone for sticking by me in this really difficult time. I do appreciate you all.

Hey

Eat a ton of candy

Watch scary movies

Give trick-or-treaters the big candy bars

Happy Halloween.

Love you all.

I struggled for a while to talk about this publicly. It's humiliating and embarrassing, but I think if I'm going to move on from it, I need to get it out there.

In my last journal, I talked about how I discussed my relationship with my ex-boyfriend with my therapist. Much of it was very eye opening and emotionally devastating. But none so much than this one repressed memory that resurfaced, that I am now going to discuss.

This is your last chance to stop reading if you cannot handle tales of sexual assault.

This happened back in February of 2020, pre-pandemic. I had come to visit him for Valentines Day right before I was about to move to Texas for my new job (which didn't happen cause of the pandemic, but I digress). We had planned to see the first Sonic the Hedgehog movie which was in theaters at the time. One night I was there, I fell asleep in his bed. I was awoken the next morning feeling something against my back. My first thought was one of his dogs had climbed into bed with us. I moved my arm around trying to find the dog, but there was no dog. As I became more awake, I could feel that it wasn't my back, it was my butt. Specifically, inside my butt. Moving back and forth.

I pulled away and turned around, and saw him lying right behind me. He smiled and said "Good morning"

I just ran into the bathroom and had a panic attack for the next 5 minutes after I realized what happened. After I calmed down, I came back out and tried to pretend everything was fine. He asked me several times if it was ok that he did that, to which I said yes. I did this because it was very easy to get him in a bad mood. He's not violent, but he becomes very mopey and detached, and I was worried he would become this way for the remainder of my trip. So I pretended it was ok. And I kept pretending it was ok for five years.

But it's not ok. I'm not ok.

I've only talked about this with a few other people. One of them suggested I take legal action against him. I don't see this panning out for a few reasons. First, this was five years ago. And that's about what the statute if limitations is on rape. Second, this took place in Indiana, which is a very conservative state, so I don't think there's a judge in the state that would take me seriously. Third, I don't ever want to see him again. I've gone to the effort of blocking him everywhere I could think off. And if he does try to contact me, that's when I'd start going for legal action.

This isn't even the tip of the iceberg of his behavior. I could rant for hours about how he treated me. This is just the cherry on top of the sundae that was our relationship.

I'm sorry everyone. I'm sorry I kept quiet for so long. I'm sorry I kept my blinders on for so long.

I'm sorry.

This one hurt...

I struggled for a while on what I should and shouldn't say in this one. I had a lot of uncomfortable revelations today. And there is so much I want to just blurt out to the public. But I should hold my tongue on most of it.

Today I talked about the relationships I've had in my life. Talking about my family was nothing new. My parents never really supported or encouraged me, constantly compared me to my more successful cousins, continue to make my life a living hell even though I'm a grown ass adult. Nothing new there.

What was eye opening was talking about my ex-boyfriend, and how awful of a relationship I actually had with him was. This involved explaining to my therapist a lot of the intricacies of the furry fandom, which was really weird. But in return, she explained that it sounded like what I was describing was not a loving relationship, but a borderline abusive one.

I would love to just dump out every example I have of what he did to me that I just turned a blind eye to because I just wanted to believe that someone loved me. But the truth is the blame is on me. I was a fool turning a blind eye to his behaviors, putting him on a pedestal. I seem to have a repeating behavior for letting toxic people into my life and letting them take advantage of me.

This all feels like a giant step backwards to me. I feel less trusting, and even a bit traumatized after one realization. But I have been reassured that sometimes we have to take a step backward to take two steps forward. Even though I don't feel like moving forward today. She gave me suggestions on how to improve things for myself, even though it all sounds awful.

Everything feels numb right now. I might sleep for a few days. If anyone wants more details, you know where to find me...

This is going to be harder than I thought...

So I had my first therapy appointment today. I did a lot of research on my therapist beforehand to make sure she was the right fit for me. To make sure I wasn't going to be used for some case study I didn't consent to, or be fed religious nonsense, or be given pills I don't need and shoved out the door, or... worse. And it sounded like she is someone who would listen to me and try to understand my problems, and get to the root of my bad behaviors.

Do I still think that after my first session?

...Yes

But as usual, I tend to under-estimate things. And what I under-estimated was myself. I was 100% honest with her about all the things I've done, both recently, and in my past. And it took a toll on me. To say I got emotional would be an understatement. Frankly, I feel embarrassed for how I conducted myself during this session. Though my therapist was very reassuring that this was normal, and she had basically seen it all. She reassured me that she wasn't here to judge, and if I was here for help, she would help me.

So, the root my my problem. I am a habitual liar. But you all knew that. The question is why. Well, that will be explored deeper in future sessions, but the basics we explored were simply that people like me just aren't happy with their lives. I can definitely see that. And there's definitely going to be a lot to unpack on that subject, but I'll save that for next time.

I am emotionally drained and need to lie down...

So I want to keep track of what I'm going to be going through in the next few months. I'm calling this update #0 because it hasn't really begun, but the wheels have been set into motion.

I'd say today was a very good day for me. Trying to find a therapist had not been easy, because American health care is a hellscape designed to make you not want to use it. But after meeting with my physician today, I asked if she had a recommendation if there was someone I could talk to, and I was given a name, and an appointment in two weeks. I've looked into the person I'll be seeing, and she seems like someone who might actually listen to me. First update on that will be in two weeks I suppose.

In other news, without even trying, I have lost 11 pounds in 2 months, without even trying. The only lifestyle change is that I've switched to working nights, and now I'm eating fewer, smaller meals, and snacking less, and sleeping more. With this progress, my doctor says I might actually be able to go on Ozempic (or something similar). But right now, I'm just happy I no longer qualify for free meals at the Heart Attack Grill! *fistbump*

Last bit of good news today, something I haven't really talked publicly about is I have been making a second attempt at that bachelor's degree I blew my chance at almost 20 years ago. This was slowed down massively from my job loss earlier this year, but I've gotten back to it. Though I've been dealing with C Programming, which has been the biggest worry of this whole endeavor, which I am now taking the second class I'm required to pass. Well, today was my midterm, and... I absolutely crushed it! I am still in disbelief of how well I did! I have been struggling this whole class, and I got 94 out of 96 possible points (shakes fist at those last two points). It made me feel like I might actually be able to pull this off!

Anyways, that was my day. It was pretty good. I hope you all had a good day to.

About 18 or so years ago, I told a gigantic lie for attention. Every time I've reflected on this event, I tell myself I was young, immature, lacked life experience, and was overwhelmed being away from my family for the first time ever. I told myself it wasn't who I really was.

Earlier this year, I lashed out at several close friends and abused their trust, ruining those bonds. I told myself I had fallen towards my lowest point, having lost my job, my home, and having gone off my meds. I told myself it wasn't who I really was.

I don't think I can keep saying that.

This is who I am. I lie about shit for attention...

And I can't fix myself. I've been trying for this long to be a better person, and I keep fucking up. I don't want to be this way. I don't want to hurt people I care about. A wise man once said that you can't keep doing shitty things and saying you're sorry. You have to be better. I want to be better, and I need to take steps to become better.

Right now, the only idea I have is therapy. Anyone who knows my history knows I have a tumultuous history with therapists. I won't go into gritty details, but several of them ended up leaving me with more trauma. But the majority of these are from my childhood, and I'm an adult now who can manage his own life, and can make better decisions for myself... I hope.

So... yeah, this is where I am right now. Obviously I don't expect to be forgiven for doing the bare minimum, but I hope in time I can earn your trust back. I hate to keep saying it, but I am truly sorry for everything. I care about you all, and I hope one day I can make you smile.

Just be honest. You're open for commissions and need money. I'm starting to return to a place where I have disposable income again. Don't pretend my gallery is full of amazing art that you just have to draw something for me and that I then have to pay for. I admit, I have a weakness for having my ego stroked. But at least have the decency to be good at it. If I ask which of my characters do you like best, and can't name a single one, you're doing it wrong.

I have trouble waking up in the morning

I don't want to do anything

Food doesn't taste good

I'm just wasting time

I sit here completely unmotivated

I don't know what's wrong or how to fix myself

Sorry everyone

So while I search for another job, I am left with limited options to make money. I can't take art commissions, since I've never done that before, and I have no tablet or scanner. And I hate e-begging. So I know very few people are interested, but I will take story commissions. Price is $10 for the first 1,000 words, $5 for each additional 1,000.

So for those not in the know, my life has been turned into a chaotic hellscape that has derailed everything. But so much has happened, I thought it was worth posting an update with everything that has been going on.

As of this Thursday, I will have to be leaving my apartment. I was completely prepared to have to live out of my car for the foreseeable future. However, I managed to catch a break, was directed to a program where there are people who are charitable enough to take in people in my position. In simple terms, I am now a couch surfer for a while. This will at least keep me off the streets, and give me a fixed address, which is useful for job searching.

I do want to take a moment to thank everyone who donated money to me. It has kept my head above water. I hate doing e-begging, but in this situation, I have to take what I can get. I will promise each of you that have helped me out, once I have the ability, I will repay you in one way or another.

And sadly, I must repost my Ko-fi because I am now getting fucked by the American health insurance industry (in my state, you get fined if you aren't insured). So if anyone wants to continue donating, or just circulate the link, it is greatly appreciated.

https://ko-fi.com/M4M4BD9J

Now unfortunately I have to address some recent events that have occurred that you may be aware of if you follow me on Bluesky or were in certain Discord groups with me. I recently suffered what most would call a complete and utter crash-out. This would be understandable given the circumstances, but those of you who have known me for longer than a decade probably noticed something familiar about what was happening. I have been on medications to help with anxiety and depression for about 12 years now. Back in March, I found out I have ballooned up almost 100 lbs since going on this medication. This was partially due to the 2020 lockdown where I went an entire year without going outside, but one of the side effects of my medication was increased weight gain. To try to curb this, I started taking them at half doses. Then I lost my job, and with that my medical insurance. So I made the decision to go without once they ran out. This was a big mistake.

I fell back into all my old behaviors. Mood swings, panic attacks, lashing out, jealousy, just straight up lying about shit because my mind always wants to paint things in the worst possible way. Now I am not trying to make excuses for my behavior. I am responsible for my actions no matter what state of mind I am in. I made a bad decision, and now I have suffered the consequences. I upset a lot of people, and may have irreparably destroyed some friendships. All I can say is that I am so sorry. My situation is no excuse. My illness is no excuse. My past is no excuse. I hurt the people I care about the most. These are people that I love dearly, and this has left a deep wound in my soul. I can only hope that one day I will have the chance to truly apologize and atone for what I have done.

So where am I going from here? Well I've decided I am not going to give up. I want to keep going. I am throwing myself back into writing, and I want to do more art too. I also want to go back to streaming.

https://www.twitch.tv/foxyfriendbacklash

Granted, I had to store my gaming PC, and I only have a small laptop to work with. So games will be a bit on the low-tech side for a while. What I want to do are what I consider comfort games. Just stuff that will cheer me up.

I love you all, and I hope you are all well

So I officially lost my job, and am at the end of my rope. I need help. I'll do anything

https://ko-fi.com/M4M4BD9J

So I've decided to go ahead and start expanding the timelines of all my characters. I plan on giving them some expanded bios, since the ones they have now are pretty bare bones. However, one thing I want to do before anything else is give each of them definitive birthdates, as I will be dating each of my stories, so you will know at what points in their life the stories take place.

Zak & Kira Aryil: March 30th, 2002

Jake Ryan: July 22nd, 2002

Gloria Riaz: January 28th, 2002

Janey Simmons: June 18th, 2001

Roscoe Riley: December 4th, 2001

Sammy Collins: April 18: 2002

Abby Randal: February 13, 2003

Jareth May: October 14th, 2002

Jesse Cole: August 1st, 2002

So I want to get back into writing, but I have a question for all of you. I want to do stories with my characters, but at different points in their life. Perhaps as adults, or maybe young children. To do this, I'd have to give definitive birth date's for all my characters, and I would be dating each of my stories. Is that something that would interest anyone?

It's Christmas time. Feels like everyone has someone special they can turn to.

This was a bad year. I have ruined so many relationships, and failed at reconciling the ones who still give me the time of day.

I've never felt more alone.

I'm sorry everyone.

He does really great work and is in need of money right now!

https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10946728
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10946728
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10946728

Sorry everyone. I'm quitting writing. I'm no good at it. I don't deserve to ask for money for what I do.

Ended up trying it out, thought it was fun. Anyone wants to play, let me know :P

I guess this makes... 37? Geez, that's a lot.

So people keep asking me why there isn't as much shoe loss art anymore, and the answer is simple. No one will draw it for me!

I really don't get it. Somehow every open artist I'm interested in has decided this subject is taboo. Either I get completely ignored, or I get the same "I'm not comfortable with that" response. Am I seriously that disgusting that there are no artists out there that are willing to work with me?

Oh yeah, I'm aware I've posted a journal like this before, and got a few responses from people saying they'd be willing. Yet I messaged all of you and got no responses!

I have no friends...

I have no loving family...

I have no gifts...

I have no warm wishes...

I have nothing...

Merry Christmas...

And that'll do it for now. I will reopen at a later date, but for now I am full up. Thank you all for your interest!

So, it has been a week, and I've had no bites. I've considered lowering my prices, but since they're already dirt cheap, I don't know how much more I can lower them. If anyone thinks my prices are too unreasonable, please tell me.

So, yeah, I need money after having gotten cleaned out with a car repair bill. So I am opening story commissions once again. This went badly last time, but I am trying to push myself to be more disciplined.

PRICING:

$10 for the first 100 words.
$5 for every additional 100 words.

Send me a note if you are interested

And I do mean that genuinely, for all the distress I've caused everyone. I need to dig myself out of this hole I'm in.