Thanks so much for following me. I really appreciate it!

Sorry for the lack of art lately. I started a new job a couple weeks ago, so I'm still getting adjusted with that. I'm going from part time hours to full time hours as I get trained in a couple other positions in the job as well. I hope to have something soon! I'm working on a few commissions right now.

Thank you again!

Things I want to do this year (sorry it's boring)

Life stuff:
- find a job asap lol (found one!)
- make a nice altar for Mama
- start knitting
- learn how to use a sewing machine
- get organized with cleaning (following a daily/weekly to-do list)

Art stuff:
- make a portfolio for coloring work (I want to be a colorist...)
- make a nice online general art portfolio
- freelance at least part time
- work on comics
- work on backgrounds
- do more self indulgent art in my free time
- write at least a short fic each month

This is a repost from my art tumblr. I'm sorry, I just wanted to put it here too since I have that other post here already. This post was from yesterday. My mom passed at around 2am on Jan 17.

I am sorry for not responding individually to the kind words sent to me before.. It's been a busy and rough time here.

At about 2am last night, my mama passed away... I was able to get into contact with my sister and she and her family came up to see her. An aide even came out and was able to give her a bath before they arrived. I couldn't do it on my own... I felt like I was hurting her so badly when I would try to move her.

I was very afraid things would be tense with my sister, but it was a very nice time. It was great to finally see my niece again. I hope Mama knew she was there too. The social worker and RN were there for any questions my sister had. She left about 10:30pm or so.

I sat around and talked to Mama, sang you are my sunshine to her... She always sang that to me when I was little. Told her that she was the most amazing mom in the world and it's okay if she's in too much pain and can't hold on anymore. I went into my room for a bit and came out to help moisten her mouth and she was gone. It took the nurse an hour and a half to get there. I just held Mama. Painted her nails after the nurse cleaned her up. I felt so bad, she was wanting them done last week but we were both feeling rough.

I went to 711 down the street with my brother-in-law and niece and gave my sister some privacy with Mom and when we got back they had her down the stairs already. I wasn't expecting to see that so soon, and it was so so hard. The RN and the other RN that came by to help pretty much bolted as soon as she was carried off.

I know she was comfortable, but I can't help felt she got signed onto hospice under false pretenses. I will write about that later.

Her final wishes have been, ever since I was a kid, that she wanted to be donated to science. Her best friend's mom, my nana, had that done, and her best friend and her husband are planning on doing the same. I was worried that they wouldn't have been able to do that for her since she had open wounds on her legs from her congestive heart failure, but a man at the cremation center got into contact with a tissue donation place. It was very kind.

I went onto her Facebook and informed her friends and family about it, and told them to ask me any questions they might have (we have a fairly religious and military family for better or for worse). Most of her family lives on the other side of the country. One of my cousins said that he told me on my post he doesn't think that was right and that my mom deserved better than to become a science experiment. He was PMing me with shit and got his dad involved and I wasn't really quite sure what he was saying. It just became this ordeal and I got so angry and just had to ignore them. My sister said she's going to talk to them in private. I feel that's best because I'm on a very short fuse. I feel so fucking angry at things. The hospice... Grown ass men behaving like fools on a sensitive post...

My cousin was blowing up my sister's DMs about how I'm doing science experiments on my mom. I had a breakdown. I have never once talked to this cousin. He and his dad were never involved with Mama's life. I did get support from her best friends daughters as well as her former coworkers and my friends. I just can't believe people. I know perhaps this seems like a sterile way to do things... I wouldn't have minded a burial but that was not what she wanted. I will be receiving her ashes, so she will be forever home with me.

Even still the bad attitude some people had, it was nice to see people say kind words about Mama. I wish she could see them. And I really hope she saw how my sister and I were getting along in her final hours. I'd like for that to be something that stayed with her. I bet she was so scared. This is so hard to think about.

I try to keep my personal life pretty private, but my mama and I were two peas in a pod. I really don't know what I'm going to do without her. My cat's been anxious. He loved his GG... If it wasn't for my friends right now I don't know where I'd be, just that I'd be much worse off. Thank you guys.

I have cried so much last night and today but I feel so numb. Nothing feels real. I feel like everything is going to come crashing on me soon. I felt a bit of it today with what happened online, and I just feel like worse moments are to come.

My sister and her family stayed the night though after the medical people left. We just all sat around and chatted and napped when we could. They left at about 2pm today. It was nice.

I try not to really vent online. I really try not to talk much online at all really, especially here because this is not what people are here for.

So I've been my mom's full time caregiver the past six years. We started her on an in-home hospice care last month. Today after struggling with her oxygen for about two weeks, her nurse told me she has end stage COPD. She's had COPD for over a decade, but as far as I heard which was spring or summer, it was at the moderate stage.

I guess her nurse just found out today. I was having a really rough time with keeping mom's oxygen stable yesterday. Calling the hospice's office constantly, texting and calling her usual nurse the whole day. I'm just shocked things got so bad so quick.

I can barely hold a conversation with her anymore because of the medications they have her on. She hardly drinks, hardly eats... She wasn't very indepedent before, but she's pretty much lost all of it now.

Once she got her oxygen level stable last night I was just drawing silly requests for a blog to take my mind off things and relax, and now I feel selfish and horrible about that now.

I really don't know what to do. We've been the black sheep in the family for so long. I did get a hold of one of my aunts. I cannot get a hold of my sister. I don't know her number, I don't know where she lives. We're not friends on facebook, but I did shoot her a message there so I hope she responds to it. She does fuck all but dick around on facebook all day, so hope she sees it soon.

This is so heartbreaking. My mom and I have been together through a lot of bad shit. I just kicked my horrible aunt out late November, I really wanted Mom to enjoy life now and I feel like I failed her.

My mom's regular nurse has been amazing. Really kind lady. This one RN they have on staff has been so... fucking flippant with me. He's like "Oh, her pulse-oxygen meter isn't working" but it works fine when I test it on myself. Yesterday I was on the phone with him for half an hour and he was like, "Well, you said she's not eating or drinking a lot, maybe she's dehydrated. That'll make her O2 low." I am probably thinking the worst about people given the situation, but it's like, did he know and just not tell me? Her nurse today said it was on her file. Like, did he just not check or know? How did no one tell me this before hand? They kept telling her they've had people on their hospice for years. Did they just found out today or something? I'm probably wrongfully mad.

We usually have someone out here every day. I don't know what happened, and now I'm sitting here trying to decide on if I have the courage to go through with signing a DNR. I am so fucking angry at my family not being there for her like they should have been, especially my aunt who treated her (well, and me too but I don't have a life threatening disease) like shit.

I really feel like I failed my mom by not giving her a better life. I really wanted these next few years to be good for her and I don't even know if she has a few more months or even days. She lost two brothers this past year, one being last month. She's been through so much shit her whole life, and I wanted it to be good now.

If you see this posted in multiple places, I am so sorry. I am just feeling lost I guess and want people to know some of what I'm going through. I know it seems attention grabby. Maybe get advice. I don't want to burden people, but I feel so scared and alone.

Sorry for another commission journal. My TAT so far has been within a week for my lineart pieces. I also changed my prices around. I'm trying out a different pricing format so if you have any questions please let me know!

http://furaffinity.net/commissions/badcactus

http://www.furaffinity.net/commissions/badcactus/

Thanks for your time!

Thank you so so much!!! I really appreciate it! I will try to draw more.

I still need to make a nice price sheet and fill in some examples on my commissions tab, but I hope to do that soon! Here's the info: http://www.furaffinity.net/commissions/badcactus/

Send me a message on here if interested. I'd love to work with you!