DON'T PANIC

We don't know what's going on. We do know that, apparently, FA has been sold to IMVU. People are upset, because hey, we're furries, drama is how we respond to everything it seems. =P But anyway, there's no need to panic yet. Jump ship if you like, but some of us are willing to wait until a fire breaks out in the engine room. All we can be sure of is that this will guarantee changes in FA and how it's run. The problem being that change is not always a good thing (but it apparently makes for a lovely political slogan =P). We'll see if this remakes the site into something better or worse, or if this is the "bullet to the brainpan" needed to finish it off for good.

Whatever the case, those of you who are Christian should take this matter to God. We, as individuals, even when united, do not have the clout needed to control this change. In some ways that's bad, and in some ways it's good. If it distresses you (and I'd be lying if I said it didn't give me pause), take it to God in prayer. Put the situation in his hands and ask him what you should do. Pray for guidance and for God to confirm what he tells you. Then do it, without hesitation. I think I shall have to do the same, when I get a chance.

You can find me on Deviant Art, SoFurry and Inkbunny still. If they're not on the front of my profile, I can link them, which I'll probably do once I've asked God what he'd like me to do here. Or if I confirm IMVU's policies and behavior are unacceptable and decide to jump ship. And I'll be sure to pray against theft of my creative property as well. If they're going to use anything I make, even if it's crappy doodles or rough drafts of my fiction, then they had better well pay me first. I don't know if God still let's people pray to bring down curses on others...

...but this would be a marvelous time to find out, now wouldn't it? >=3

Won't see me around for a while. Flying down to Arizona tomorrow to visit my grandparents until Sunday. Hold my messages until then.

So, yeah. Birthday's in two days as I write this (past midnight in Central time, despite what FA might say), so I guess I have to face up to turning 32. I'd like to have some time with the local furs, but I probably should've brought this up sooner. Little too late to plan for this weekend, and I'll be out of town from the 4th through the 8th, so the next one is a no-go. Could try later this week, but family kinda takes priority, y'know?

In any case, birthday gifts aren't mandatory but always appreciated. =) If you've got me on Steam, there's my wishlist, though not much is on sale right now. I accept gift art as well (though nothing adult, please). I'd especially like it if someone got art done based on a story of mine, though I'd leave it up to them on what gets drawn.

Not much else I can think of, really. Gonna have to make a wishlist on Amazon someday soon. That would help everybody pick out gifts for me.

I'll post again in a couple days. Take care, fuzzbutts!

Ah, all these fools freaking out about winter hanging on, going on and on about how "there was a plan" and "shooting groundhogs" and "arresting Elsa", somehow convinced this should have worked.

Pathetic mortals. Winter is not so easily beaten. She is laughing at your feeble attempts, awaiting you in the dark when you least expect it.

And all this over a banner? How amusing.

*walks off humming Winter Wonderland*

Guess I should spread the word, if people haven't heard already. I posted it on my Twitter account a while back, so if you're following that, you probably already know what I'm about to say.

I lost my job.

It happened on New Year's Eve. Building Manager called me in the morning to ask if I could come in. Somewhere in the back of my mind, the possibility of being fired popped up in my head. I dismissed it though, because there was no hard evidence, only a sneaking suspicion. Turned out that suspicion was right, and when the HR manager came down to talk with me, I saw he had a manilla envelope with him and read something like "Cobra" on it, and possibly my name.

That's when I knew. And right after that, he confirmed it: I was being let go.

It's pretty much 'cause I had a freak-out on the week of December 15th. On the 18th, I went in and couldn't work, just sitting in the office trying not to freak out (and failing pretty hard) for about an hour, then going home. You're supposed to call in a couple hours before work (not that it'd matter much since HR was only willing to have a maximum of four workers cleaning the building, including the supervisor) because... I dunno, I guess so the others would know to adjust their work habits to cover for me. I'd done it once before, and it resulted in my supervisor (a very trying woman) being fired because of my report on how she treated me. Plus, I imagine they got tired of the high turnover under her "rule" while she was there. I feel bad 'cause she was basically a miserable tyrant who obsessed over every little thing. Her job was her life and it must've driven her nuts, or at least made it worse, giving her a place to hide away from life. At least they changed our schedule to evenings instead of overnight in October (same month she was let go), so I got to sleep at night again... and miss out on seeing my family. That, along with a lot of other factors, probably is what resulted in my freakout. And since it was not acceptable to miss work without calling in, I guess they decided twice was enough.

('Cause, y'know, having near-perfect attendance for eleven months isn't an indicator of your work ethic. Nope, just the days you miss and don't call in.)

So... I'm back to where I was a year ago. Unemployed, in my parents house, and not doing much of anything. And yet...

Things are a bit different. For one, I'm paying rent. My parents have a tendency to coddle me, and they told me to stop paying when I lost my job, but I refuse to. Haven't told them that, but it's the principle of the thing. I want some kind of pressure to keep me looking for work, or at least to bring in some kind of income. And I won't have my summer work with the city to rely on this year, so I'll have to find something before my finances are drained.

As for the job itself? Eh. Don't like losing my income or my insurance. But I didn't like the job, and was a little stuck. If nothing else, last year taught me that if I don't get my tail in gear, I am gonna wind up right back there: working a miserable, dead-end job, going home to bum around on the computer, and then sleeping, with eating and hygiene thrown in somewhere. Yeah, no thanks. You can keep it. A nine-to-five will never be for me. I march to a different drum, and I need to learn how to dance to it so I don't end up homeless or broke. Well, broke anyway. I doubt I will be living outside this house for a while yet, even if I manage to score a decent job and/or get a book published. And I still need to conquer my fears on budgeting and managing my money. Not to mention relationships, though I think perhaps dating should wait until I am more stable and a better catch. Women aren't very attracted to guys living with their Mothers. They tend to wonder if the apron strings (or the umbilical cord!) are still attached.

I'm pretty sure I've gnawed at them a little, but I'm not sure Mom is doing much on her end. >.< Kinda frustrating.

I have an enormous opportunity in front of me. I now have a whole lot of free time left to me. The problem is that I'm still defaulting to old habits. So, I need to find a way to get through them, and set up better ones. Because if I don't... well, there's always another idiot to clean up after, isn't there?

Ah well. It could be worse. And I'll count my blessings and do what I can to make progress. Let's hope 2015 turns out to be a year of change for me. Heaven knows, I could use it!!

I didn't think anything of the flashing lights. At least, it wasn't what I thought it was. I just thought some poor soul had gotten sick or injured, and sent up a prayer to God to keep them safe. Send some angels with the ambulance.

I should've prayed harder.

I was in the tabletop gaming room with my friend Tigron. He was playing the card game Room Party (with the Fur Con expansion pack) with a bunch of others at a table. I wanted to play, but got there too late, so had to watch instead. Did a bit of reading too. There were quite a lot of funny cards in the deck, though I didn't ask how to play it. And besides, I was enraptured by the novella I was reading in my new book, Five Fortunes, a collection of such about furry characters dealing with fortune in some way, whichever definition the author chose. I really wanted to know who was behind the arson of some rabbit's home.

Then I looked up and noticed the light flashing on the fire alarm.

I pointed it out to the others and we soon got out of there, even though there was no alarm blaring. What happened next was several hours of SNAFU. Getting outside in just a t-shirt and jeans. Going inside the garage stairwell, then the skyway above, just to get some precious heat. Then the confusion of how to get inside the convention center when they opened it up. Waiting in the center, where a dog show was being held (and several dogs left in crates unattended apparently overnight!!), being herded further back when some idiots started messing with the stuff. More waiting. Finally, the word to come in. Then more waiting, this time on tired feet as over 4000 people headed back inside. Grumbling, irritation, getting a tad overwhelmed by the noise of the crowd, cold, knowledge that sleep would be cut short, preventing many from following the "6-2-1 rule" in full... just a general mess, coupled with rumors of what happened and how. The thought of kids being in the crowd that was evacuated, making Father Wolf rise in me a little. Then up to bed and blessed sleep, with only a small whiff of chlorine left in the air.

I got up a bit late the next day. Missed the panel on pitching to publishers, but that was okay. I was tired. I deserved sleep. Yet the con was still going and I? I wanted to at least try to get a little more out of it, tired as I was. So I showered, dressed, and headed over to the elevators. I wasn't sure what I was thinking, but a flash of color out the window banished all thoughts. Was that...?

Fursuiters. Row upon row of them. Outside the hotel, out on some concrete area juxtaposed to the street that ran between the hotel and one of the parking garages, the same one I'd been in the night before.

And they were dancing. Dancing in near-perfect sync and in front of cameras by non-suited folk braving the cold.

That's when I remembered my promise to myself. A promise I made driving down Thursday, with a neck that got out of alignment not 24 hours after the chiropractor visit on Tuesday! A promise I repeated every time something else came up, or my neck hurt. A promise I told others as we waited for the all clear and again when we headed inside. A promise that, even now, sings in my heart as my Abba in Heaven dances over me in pride.

"This is my weekend. I am here to enjoy myself, and dang it all, I will!"

It seems I was not the only one. The way those suiters were dancing, you'd think nothing was amiss at all. Several con goers even mocked the attack by getting "Gascon 2014" badges of their characters. And I feel love and pride swell in my heart toward these strange, odd people known as "Furries". People who will not let a brush with death kill their weekend. Whoever it was that did this, they didn't win. Not this round. We didn't let them.

It's a bummer to go back to work this week. But this vacation? I wouldn't take it back for the world. Maybe the chlorine part, yeah, but I enjoyed myself. And I can't wait to go back next year. I know it'll be a lot of fun.

I'll be seeing you. Keep your hearts light and raise a toast to the furries. They won't let the jerks grind them down.

Stolen from  neevipanda

Where are you staying?
Hyatt Regency

What day are you getting there?
Thursday afternoon/evening
Convoy with

Who will you be rooming with?
From what I've been told, and some furry from Michigan. FLW? Not sure who he is, but I'm told he's chill.

EDIT: It's . Thanks to Neevi for correcting me.

Who will you hang out with during the convention?
Anyone I know, plus anyone there who seems cool. No drama though. No politics, no religion, no nada. Anyone who wants to talk about that had better keep a cool head or keep walking.

Are there any panels you might be attending?
At least two of the writing panels. Even if I know the stuff they have to share, at least it's good to refresh and take notes.

Will you be suiting?
Too expensive for me.

What is your gender?
I was pronounced male upon birth and have succeeded in staying that way since.

How tall are you?
~5'6"

Are you taken? Are you looking for a 'mate'?
Single, but furry dating fills me with a certain kind of dread. Your odds will go up though if you're a beautiful woman. Or cute. Cute is good. (So is intelligence, 'cause how else can we pick apart our favorite shows together?)

Can I talk to you?
Sure.

Can I touch you?
No wandering hands, please. =P

How can I find you?
I'll be wearing a badge that looks like my current (old) icon. And maybe the one where Bandit's in boxing gear. I'm sure I'm easy to spot.

Can I visit your room?
Nope. Sorry, but unless you get an invite from me or one of the others, please stay out. I need a quiet space to recharge when the crowds are too much.

Can I buy you drinks?
So long as you're not trying to get me drunk. And it had better taste good!

Can I give you stuff?
Define "stuff". I ain't going back with a box of latex dongs in my suitcase. =P But I doubt most of you would give me that anyway.

Can I hug or snuggle with you?
Hugs are fine. Snuggle? We'll see. Please ask in either case; I can be a skittish creature.

Are you nice?
Takes a lot to piss me off. If you do, please learn from it.

How long are you going?
Arrival time listed above. Should be staying until Monday.

Do you have an artist table?
Nope.

Will you be going to parties?
Dunno. I'm not much of a party person. Lots of noise and large crowds make me nervous.

Will you be performing?
Nah. Just there to have fun. Maybe later years if I get brave/ambitious enough to enter the variety show.

If I see you, how should I get your attention?
Wave and shout. Or throw yourself into my arms. I'm sure that'll do it. Just make sure you know what kind of attention you want. =P

Where will you be most of the time during the day/s?
Probably wherever my current "pack" is located. I'll stick with furries I know for the most part, so find them and you'll find me. Otherwise, I'll probably be wandering the con, wondering what to do with myself. <.<;; I really need to figure out what to do at these things.

What/where will you be eating?
"Giardano's for sure! I would be down with 3 more days of Giardano's... and probably the hotel once or twice."

^ See Neevi's answer. Works for me. ^.^

Can I come with you for food/fun/etc?
Manners, please. Ask first. I may be in a group and I won't change their plans without asking.

Can I take your picture?
No problem. Just so long as I'm clothed. =P

What's your goal(s) for the con this year?
Have fun, make new friends, and DON'T PANIC. *downs several Kava Kava pills*

So. Things just kinda fell into place the last couple days. Got myself a room and a ride (assuming there are no schedule conflicts), and I'm all registered. I've got time off from the 4th to the 8th, so I'll be free to spend all weekend there.

...now if I can just figure out what to do with myself and what to pack. ^.^;; I haven't even looked at the con schedule yet! Gonna be interesting.

So, I decided within the last week or so that I want to go to Midwest Fur Fest. The problem is that it's in two weeks and I don't have a ride or a room. Bit of a problem, and I don't really want to drive myself there and back, even if my car does get good mileage. I haven't even registered yet 'cause I'm left wondering if I didn't start planning this too late.

In any case, if anyone is driving through or from Fargo, ND and is willing to pick me up, I'd appreciate it. Please contact me ASAP so I can clear this with my employer! Make sure to have a way to contact me outside of FA too, just in case something goes toes up. I will pay my share of gas and room prices, and I'll be sure to bring some snacks to share.

Thanks for reading this! Hope I can pull this off; I really would like to go to a con again. Been way too long.

Computer User's Maxim 01: A.B.S.U. - Always Back Stuff Up

I don't know how true the reports are on this new admin. All I'll say is that in case he decides to repeat his own history here, keep your stuff backed up and make sure you can contact people outside of FA, even if it's just because of the next crash, DDOS or hacking attempt, regardless of who's responsible.

Also, I was reconsidering my decision not to post content here. FA does really seem to host the bulk of the furry fandom's communications and business. So when it goes down (when, not if) it's going to cause a lot of people trouble.

Stay safe, people. Always have a back-up. Time will tell if the new guy is worth bringing on or not.

As a rule, when a Paladin is forced to commit necromancy upon himself to shut up annoying pests using a ouija board who are more persistent and annoying than telemarketers selling plots of heaven to the dead at dinner time, he shows up in a rather foul and murderous mood.

Guess I should update people. Sorry for being quiet.

Job Situation
----

Still in this stupid third shift job. Pays well, sure. Yet I'm sick of my schedule not matching up with others. I miss hanging out with family, even if I was still a recluse at times. Part of being an introvert, though that's no excuse for isolating myself. Also, my supervisor is still... difficult. I can't even relax around her. I'm tense all the time waiting for the bomb to drop. Tears are my soul and my emotions. It doesn't help at all that I get paralyzed with fear when I try to apply for a different job. Not sure where that's coming from, and most of the time I use what little free time I have (i.e. when I'm not eating, sleeping or working) more for entertainment than anything. Or just bummin' around online. Weekend nights get a bit lonely. Toonami is fun, but... I really miss hangin' with the local furs.

*sigh* I'll have to conquer this fear, somehow. Otherwise, I'll be stuck in this monotonous... existence is the best word. This isn't "life", I know that. Real life, like the kind God offers? It may not be comfortable, and sometimes I'm not sure I'm ready for it... but it's not boring, or miserable. If life in heaven were boring, I wouldn't look forward to it so much. Maybe I'll write something up on that sometime.

I'll break out though. I'm not sure how, but I will. In any case, this job has served its purpose. I have a new gaming rig (Borderlands 2 never looked so sweet. ^.^ Yay!), my finances are doing better, and it's nice to know I can pay rent, once I convince my parents to, y'know, actually charge me. =P What can I say? They're a little lax on discipline sometimes. Parenting is hard, so I can't really blame them for everything. Life is more complicated than it first seems.


Patreon
----

I'm looking into this. It would be nice to get paid for my real work, the work that's dear to my soul. The problem is I need to figure out rewards for my supporters. I also don't think it's wise to set up a monthly support option until I can learn discipline and start producing content on a consistent basis. Weekly, to be sure. I have the time; I just need to budget it. Which means giving up free time for it. That's the curse of being employed, really: you have less time to squander, so budgeting it is more important. And I haven't done that well.

So, until I get that squared away, and figure out decent rewards, don't line up at the door. Patreon seems like a good idea for me, yet I need to figure it out first. I think I'll stick to per-product payment in the beginning until I can get myself up and running. Do a little research too so I know what I'm getting into. If it means a little less time watching Toonami and playing my games, so be it. Gotta get started soon or I won't be anywhere in five years.


Memory Quest
----

I haven't been lazing about though. Not in full. I started what I call a piece of Interactive Fiction, called Memory Quest. I can't really draw, so it's not quite the same as the various comics people post online, like Prequel or Ruby Quest, or even Homestuck (at least to begin with; I understand the author shut down suggestions later on). However, it's proven to be a success so far, even if my anxiety makes it hard to face the Walls of Text people keep posting (despite my explicit rules not to do that!!), and I have made a few mistakes along the way. I don't quite count it as normal writing since it's a bit different and the stuff is usually first draft quality. I don't think it's my best, though I try to keep up on it once a week or more. It's been a challenge, and yet...

I relish it. I've gotten a rush out of it at least once, and I want to see it through to the end. I've given up on so many things before, series I loved and knew then... and know now... would be good, if done right. And I just... don't see them through.

Heh. I guess, maybe what I need... is an eager audience. People leave so few comments on my work, but in this case, I'm guaranteed comments. If they want to see the story continue, they have to. We're almost to the end of the first chapter even, and it shows no sign of slowing down. I'm eager to follow this thing to the end.

...but you can't participate. You can't even read it, not yet. Not because of any insistence of mine, no; it's more a technical difficulty. You see, I started it on the RH Junior forums. You can't even see the forum the thread is on unless you meet two criteria:

1.) You have a registered account.
2.) You meet the required minimum number of posts.
EDIT: Just found out that the Post Count Limit applies only to the Debate Hall. You can access Memory Quest if you like, but you'll still need to register. Registration requires knowledge of the comics to keep out the spam bots. Sorry for the mix-up!

I don't feel comfortable asking for an exception for my thread. I'm not sure how that'd work anyway; I'm a writer, not a coder. You can join if you like, but understand that these forums contain people who lean pretty much the opposite way of the furry fandom. There are furries there, some of them which lean Left (in American politics anyway) and there are some atheists/agnostics as well. Yet the majority are Conservative or Libertarian (or libertarian as some insist; they don't agree on some social issues with the "Big-L" types), and you could probably count the number of non-Christians in less time than the believers. That's not to say they aren't great people, nor do I want anyone reading this to be scared off. I'm just saying that, in a sense, you can't participate in Memory Quest until you prove yourself in the other forums.

And I'm fine with that. I love these people. It's sorta home to me, and while I don't always agree with them, and don't know how long I'll stay (never know when things will die, or the guy who brought us together with his work), I'm comfortable here. And it'd be too much trouble to move Memory Quest someplace else. However, I do plan on posting it elsewhere when it's finished. Maybe even as it's completed, one part at a time. I have plenty to post now, though I will have to figure out how to modify it so people can see it without breaking the code. That'll come later, but don't worry. You'll get to see it in time.

However, if you want to see it now, you'll have to prove you can get along with these people and follow the rules. Stay out of the Debate Hall if their politics and religion bother you too much. Be decent. If you can't manage that, then leave. The admins won't tolerate trouble, and while I can't say whether the rules are fair or not, they were made for a reason. If you find yourself getting hit with the Banhammer too much, you may want to leave it well enough alone. I will post Memory Quest for the wider public. Don't cause yourself and others unnecessary grief if interacting with the forum is too much trouble. Yet if you can tough it out and prove you can interact with... well, guess they're sorta my online "family" of sorts... then I figure you've earned the right to participate in Memory Quest.

And those of you reading this who already have an account on the RH Junior forums? Consider this an open invitation to participate. The more the merrier, though please do take it easy on me. ^.^;; I'm a little timid at the best of times... and I ran out of Kava Kava pills, so the anxiety still gets to me somewhat. I'll do my best, no worries! Just... please understand if updates get slow at times. Work can be a little harsh on my soul.


Personal Concerns
----

As I said, my job is a little rough on me, and I ran out of the stuff that helps keep me stable. As such, things have been a little difficult as of late. I don't think I've been suicidal, yet I've had this annoying thought go through my head at least twice in the past week. Yes, it relates to suicide, yet I really have no desire to pursue it. I don't think I could bring myself to cut my own flesh anyway. I suspect demonic activity, though I can't confirm it. Got people on it already, so that helps. Also been dealing with a lie: That I'm not important. It's hard to fight that, especially when my family doesn't seem willing to help me out when I ask. Or at least, my parents gave up rather quick when it proved difficult for them. Yet when my brother and his wife need a babysitter, well...

*sigh* It's hard not to be bitter, really. Hard not to accept that I'm being "passed over" because I'm not successful yet. I don't know if they even know what they're doing, and I don't know how to word it. Plus, I hesitate to approach them face-to-face. I'm not really big on confrontation, even when it's to my benefit. So, I just... let things slide. Let them live their busy lives instead of persisting with my requests for help. Heck, I didn't even want to pick their minds. I just wanted someone to stay up and sit with me. Moral support, y'know? To say, "You're not alone in this. I care about you."

You can see how Mom telling me that staying up to help me apply for jobs "just doesn't work" because she and Dad are "tired" when I get up... would be rather soul-crushing. That it would tell me, "I'm not important." I kept repeating that lie when I broke down in the tub earlier in the week. And though I know it's a lie... I think it's wedged down deep in my heart. I'm not sure what is needed, yet I know I need to pursue this until the lie is gone. Otherwise...

...dunno. It'll be very hard to persist with such a lie wedged down so deep. I get tired. And I tend to retreat and hide away in pleasure and nonsense when that happens. I can't stay in this house forever, and I've already had suicidal thoughts this year, when the job got real tough on me. My parents won't let me quit until I get another job to replace this one, which doesn't help my nerves much. Not when the thoughts start whirling in my head. Still, they love me, and I dunno if I would've made it without my family. I'll have to figure something out.

Prayers are welcome, though I prefer Christian prayer only. Call it paranoia, but I don't trust other gods, whether they exist or not. My God has proved himself beyond any standard of mine. All others must be verified first.

Still, there is hope, and a clue to beating these lies. I get letters from Ransomed Heart, a Christian ministry started by John Eldredge. His books reignited my faith and gave me hope when even I had begun to feel my faith was empty, and was clinging on out of habit and my own promise to God. His latest one has an excerpt from an upcoming book, which seems more targeted at young men (as it seems now his sons are giving input/writing things for it this time around). This one was on identity. It was an account of how his son, Sam, went through Christian College and had a rough time of it 'cause he wasn't the "straight-laced" type. He kept acting up and getting in trouble with it... and getting shamed for it. A popular stick in many Christian schools, sad to say. He sat down with a couple friends later on to pray and figure things out, to see what he should do after college.

God said they were asking the wrong question.

Surprising, isn't it? In the church and on Christian radio, you often hear about God's will and seeking it, and praying for knowledge of what to do or say. But who would have thought God would tell anyone that asking for his will was the wrong question? I don't think I would have thought of it myself. I've prayed many times for God to just tell me what to do, where to go, hoping for some direction of some kind.

But what if that's not what God wants to talk about? If you're avoiding or ignoring the right topic, no wonder if God refuses to speak. So, what question did God want to hear from Sam?

"Who am I to you?"

You'll pardon me if I choke up a bit, 'cause this hit home in a big way for me. And I've realized that I'm going through the same thing. I've been a wanderer, a screw-up, a lay-about. I've believed horrible, awful things about myself, things that are probably keeping me in this miserable job. Things that whisper I should just give up and go back to my old life of unemployment and self-loathing. To stay in comfort and not try. Things that say, "You just don't have what it takes. Why even spend the energy? Why try?"

It's... crushing. It makes me just want to curl up in my room, block the door, and sleep until the whole world is dust and ash. Where the only hope is God killing me in my sleep as a final act of mercy. A rather sad end to a story where I haven't even gone through real bad stuff like some have.

I think this is where the real battle lies, where I should be fighting. If I can't figure out who I am, if I can't find the identity God made for me, then the rest is pointless. I will never have the strength for life. It won't happen all at once, no. And I've already been given ideas for where to start looking, a long time ago. Now I must pursue it so that I can know who I am and start taking steps toward it.

One part of this process is figuring out who Bandit is. I made this fursona for a reason, for a purpose. He's supposed to be an ideal to strive for. Yet he's so... ill-defined. I haven't really thought of what I want him to be, or what he should be. If he's meant to be a reflection of myself... erf. I don't know myself well enough yet. So that will take some work. I know something of what he's not. Or rather, what I'm not. But that doesn't help very much. I've got to figure out who I am and how Bandit figures into things, if at all. I can't say the Furry Fandom quite fits into the kind of life I imagine for myself. And I'm not sure if I'd want to expose my kids to it or not. But then, one thing at a time: gotta get married first, right? In any case, I've done this weird exercise as of late. A sort of "putting Bandit on" in a mental sense. And it feels... good. Weird, but good. Comfortable, in a way, though I'm unsure if it will help or hinder or is just some weird thing I do. I guess we'll see.

Pray I can learn who I am, and soon. I feel it may be the breakthrough I've been hoping for. Though if that's not what God wants to talk about... pray I'll be willing to listen, no matter how difficult it is to hear.

I guess that's all for now. Thanks for reading, and God bless.

Just an update on my status, even though I should be in bed. Will be quick as I can.

First up, I've been taking Kava Kava pills to help my anxiety. Taking one 250 mg pill twice a day, and it seems to be working already! Got a little wound up over my boss being cross with me last night, and just as it was about to tip over the hill and start the rockslide... it stopped. Like, poof! Like Creeper eating a hot mortar round (most of you won't get that reference, I know), it just sorta vaporized. Makes me all giddy to think about it. ^.^ Yay! I might have brakes on my brain now! Woohoo!

In related news, despite a little procrastination on my part, I finished and submitted an application to Costco! *cues theme music* Sure, it's just one, and it probably won't get me a job, but considering I haven't really submitted any in a long, long while... well, you take your victories where you find them, and hey, every step on this long journey toward who I'm meant to be is worth it. May take a thousand miles, but God put me here for a reason. And I'll live it to the best of my ability.

Now! Let's see if PayPal has the new funds for my computer parts... ^.^

Okay, let's try this again, perhaps without the power outage this time?

On the employment front, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that I haven't quit. I'm sticking in there, despite how much the job has stressed me out (and how little my supervisor seems to appreciate someone who's stuck it out longer than a couple nights), and am still earning a hefty paycheck. However, apparently the minimum wage has gone up, and my supervisor has advised me to increase my speed or face unemployment. I guess my current performance is not worth the new wage, and unless I can improve it (and I'm not sure I can without ruining my neatness), I may very well be fired. I guess Congress thinks it can do whatever it wants to "fix" the economy without thinking on the potential negative consequences in both the short and long-term. (And no, I don't blame my employer or supervisor. Running a business isn't easy, even less so when you're trying to be honest, and I won't tolerate hate-filled comments. This is your only warning.) Granted, I'd be more upset if I didn't hate this job so much, but it's still a little disconcerting. I'll have to make a better effort at obtaining new employment.

Even so, some happier news: Birthday!

Yes, my 31st birthday is coming up. March 3rd, to be precise. I'm allowed a personal holiday for this, and my supervisor has agreed to let me take the exact day off, since Monday is usually the lightest day of the week. I plan to hang out Saturday with the local furs, since I recall there being a movie night on the 1st. I won't show up and declare myself "The Bandit King" and demand foot rubs... but I'm tempted to. Getting a massage after a night of work would be nice, but not expected. I don't expect gifts either, since my family will be taking care of most of that, but if you're inclined, you can look up my wishlist on Steam. Pretty sure my account is "BanditRingtail", so I shouldn't be hard to find. I also take gift art and food-related gifts, just so you know. But I don't expect it really.

Last on the agenda, writing news!

I have some new ideas, though they vary between original and fanfics, and I don't have a lot of time to write between my job and sleeping. Part of working third shift, unfortunately. Still, I hope to make time for the stories soon, and I still have some I can edit. I have an entire series in need of editing, though I also need Beta Readers to help me improve once I've hit the second draft. I can't find all the mistakes myself, as much as I'd prefer it. Anyone who's willing to be one, you can note me your email and I will do my best to get you some stuff to look over. Perhaps when my job situation has improved, I'll have more time to devote to that. I really need to get moving or I'll end up procrastinating again, and that will only delay my writing career. Work, work work, but if it gets me closer to my dream, it'll all be worth it.

I guess that's all for now. Long story short, work sucks but I'm sticking it out until I'm fired, birthday's coming up right quick, and I'm looking for Beta readers.

Thank you for reading and God bless!

Going crazy working this job. Cried the past two days, including today, when I got home. Yesterday was a mental breakdown from all the little things that kept me from getting home and into bed before noon. Today? The persistant feeling of being trapped in a job I don't want, locked into a sleep schedule that either kills most of my potential interview times or my social life. I so long to sleep to darkness and awake to sunlight. Or at least to sleep when everyone else in this house does, from late at night to early morning. My soul craves it, and I suspect my body wants the vitamin D from sunlight. I don't know why I took a third shift during the winter; it was a bad idea.

But I'm not allowed to quit. I'm not allowed to just turn off my phone and my light, slip back into bed, and sleep until dawn. Not allowed to just hand my supervisor my keys, or place them on her desk, and leave that building forever. Even if we never get more than four people, which I doubt we'll hold on to even that many, people will continue to insist that the situation will improve, and I need to wait until the third week. I guess that's when the numbing of your emotions starts, so I must be there. I just don't care anymore if I complete everything to her satisfaction. Manager told us we're supposed to let things get worse so the people upstairs will want to hire more workers. But again, we're not getting more than four. I have worked many janitor jobs, and this is quite possibly the worst one, if I'm not just biased due to my anxiety. (Don't let your kids take Prozac; I found out last month it may cause anxiety in their adult years. I took it and I'm in my adult years, and yeah, I got anxiety. Hooray for modern medicine.) Even so, I pretty much just want to call in my last two weeks, at the least, so I have some hope of leaving this place for good. No, I don't have another job lined up, and I don't want to wait until I do. I'll take the consequences so long as I can get my sleep back to normal.

It feels like every time I try to move forward, someone or something just dogpiles on my heart and forces me back. Now, I won't say it's the entire problem, but I do believe in spiritual warfare. I would not be surprised to find the devil has sent his minions to knock me down now and then. I'm no fool. I know the war is still on, and Ephesians 6 is still valid. If you're not a professed Christian, I could understand you being skeptical of this. Yet I tell you this, I have met so many of the faith, both liberal and conservative, who refuse to accept that the devil is doing anything today. Apparently, because Jesus won the victory on the cross, this means the war is over. It means we don't have to fight anymore; we're just all one big, happy family living in Leave It to Beaver. And all the conflict in the world is just because of human beings and their selfish ways.

Bullshit.

We're living in Saving Private Ryan, in Lord of the Rings, in War of the Worlds. We have an Enemy in this world, and only two thirds of its power come from human beings, either inside us or from others around us. But the Bible is quite clear that there are also demons with great power and authority over us, still lurking in the world and seeking to harm those who dare to preach Christ's Gospel. And they have enough spite to assault the hearts and minds of every human being on earth, regardless of who they are. And the Church seems very keen on ignoring this fact. I suppose this is because it doesn't fit into the traditions of church culture, that it derails the narrative of being God's protected children. Except we were never promised a life of comfort and ease. I've lived that life. It is hell. You can't live like that without giving up on your deeper desires, and perhaps a large chunk of your self-respect. Some slaves learn to enjoy their chains because they fear their inability to provide for themselves.

I guess, if I'm honest, I'm still questioning whether I'm ready to take on this world. Lots of people would take my writings here to be complaining, or to be proof that I just can't handle real life. Maybe they're right. I don't know. But third shift is driving me insane. A part time job would be more ideal. I could use the weekdays I have off to work on my stories all day, or most of it, and save the weekends and evenings for leisure. But as it is now? I'm working six days a week, full time, so while I'm only working forty hours (except last week because of my supervisor's pride in a job done right), I don't have a real weekend. I work Saturday morning, and then I have to be to work Monday, just a few hours after Sunday has past. It's not a real weekend. God help me, my birthday's gonna be just like Sunday if I don't quit or find another job soon.

Hah. But how do I find a new job, or work on my writing, when I'm tempted by Sloth and Lust to just waste my time until work? I brought up a couple things recently, yes, looking for jobs that might do me good. I haven't touched them yet, partly because I slept almost all day yesterday, waking up just in time to post something online and go to work. I suppose I will, if only to quiet every "helpful person" who insists I'll get nowhere if I don't fill out applications. Yes, thank you. Not like I'm unaware of why my life sucks so much. I know that it's all my fault, so you can go screw yourselves.

But in truth, it's not my fault. Not in full. Yes, I give into temptation a lot, and yes, I have not been diligent in finding new employment. Yet if the devil really is active in the world, and as wicked as the Bible portrays him, then there's a good chance that many of the thoughts and emotions that drive me insane are his work, and not just my own psychological hang-ups. Or the wounds in my soul. Hell, no one believes in that either. It's the "Modern Age", so many Christians take the "rational" route in explaining the world, mingling it with enough scripture to make sure they don't sound like atheists, and concoct a pleasant-sounding philosophy for approaching life. In truth, it's often a Godless one, meant to help people "get on with life" instead of getting closer to God's heart. And then when it doesn't work, they blame themselves, their own imperfect natures, and pick up the boulder to try and carry it back up the hill it just rolled down. A pointless waste of energy, and in truth, a sign of distrusting God.

I am guilty of it myself because it's the easier path to take. Blame yourself. Say it's your fault, that you're just not doing it right. I've also gone to the other extreme, becoming paranoid and convinced that the devil is behind every misfortune or mental hang-up. Neither one is accurate since the truth lies somewhere in the middle, with a bit of God's interference to keep us from settling for less than the life he promises. I'm sure I got a taste of it once of twice before. I still hunger for that life, but who will help me attain it? I find surprisingly few allies online. Either Christians who think I've fallen in love with the writings of a heretic, or those who seem to believe you can reinterpret scripture to justify any sort of behavior. Both strike me as people who just refuse to trust God, and insist on their own way, regardless of political or social beliefs.

Perhaps I'm being unfair. I have issues with trust, and I've been something of a Pharisee in my past, refusing to partake in most forms of "worldly entertainment". Bought into the Church Culture myths in total, and was angry with those who refused to accept them as well. Even thought non-believers were some sort of evil menace to society. It's kinda what I was taught, and I bought into it, because it seemed to promise the kind of life I craved, and perhaps made up for how cruel the kids were to me in school. I imagine there's still a touch of that attitude in me, and I tend toward "Lawful Good" these days because I feel some are rejecting all traditional interpretations of scripture without really looking them over first. And I feel a call to remind people that just because something is old does not mean it is worthless. I think our society should keep that in mind, as the ancients kept their elders around for advice, instead of just large checks written out for Christmas and their birthdays. The only real difference between the very young and the very old is experience. When you have a difficult situation, it pays to have someone with experience who can give you insight into it.

Heh. My, how I ramble. I guess this is how my mind works. God knows if this is good or bad, or if it just needs a little taming. He doesn't seem to mind my rambling prayers. I believe he told me he enjoyed them. Who knew?

In any case, I just feel trapped. And God knows how long it'll be before I snap again and do something really stupid. I don't think I'm bad enough to lose my virginity or anything like that. But right now, I feel like running off to a friend's place for a few days, at least until I can get my mind back in order and stop crying before I sleep. Truth be told, I only do it because everyone is out of the house and only the dog and God can hear me. And I'm pretty sure only one of them really cares.

I really think I should just quit. I'm showing signs of depression. Slept way more than usual yesterday, not enough today, diminished appetite, suicidal thoughts (not so much killing myself as just not wanting to live anymore), and... well, not sure what else. I don't really feel like doing much except finding ways out of this job. I really could just quit and devote myself to finding new employment, or working some temp jobs through a local agency. Anything to get off of third shift and back onto a regular, sane sleep schedule. Maybe my mother can do this, but I don't think I can, and I've ceased any desire to try when there are other possibilities. I don't have kids anyway, so what reason do I have to keep a shitty job that's driving me crazy?

Hell, if you offered me a large sum of money to quit my job, I would do it in a heartbeat and not look back, and damn the consequences. Yet the odds of that happening are pretty slim, and I'm not one to just accept a total stranger's help if I don't know them that well. Even in my city, there are people you can't trust.

Ah well. I guess that's enough venting for now. No idea what I'm going to do now though. Life just seems to have lost its joy, and I'm tired of listening to "good advice" that only seems to tie me down to misery. I'll see you around. Not like I'm about to jump in front of a bus or something. I hate to see my mother cry.

Barry! Play all the fanfares!

GAH! NO!

What was I thinking? That was a terrible idea!

Anyway, yeah... got the job. ^.^ All I have to do is fill out some paperwork for HR this Thursday, and then start work the same night! Might be a little rough and take some adjustment to my schedule, but at least I'll have an income. =) So, now I have no excuse not to use my budgeting software.

Still, any prayers for warmer days would be appreciated. =P Definitely gonna see about getting a block heater installed ASAP.

Just finished uploading a lot of stuff on it too. Most of what you can see in my gallery here, so nothing new yet. But I do have a project I need to edit, so that may change. When it does, I'll post a link so you can find it, though you may need an account to see it. I may consider allowing guests to view it if only so I get more readers. Just be advised: it gets a little risque. "Billy Was Sick" is sort of a prequel to it, just so you know.

You can find me here: https://inkbunny.net/BanditRingtail

I know I probably won't have a lot of watchers right now, and there is a chance not posting on FA can hurt me. But I guess I'll just have to be productive and develop my skills so that people come and find me anyway.

It's up to you whether you wish to follow me there or at SoFurry. I'm just expanding my presence online. I hope I prove worth your attention.

I have done a little research on the current drama and...

*sigh* It is, in many ways, still just rumors. But I can say this: if the notes hadn't been leaked a couple years ago, this drama would not be happening. In fact, a court case would have likely occurred, with several more women coming forward, and the guy in question would have at least had to appear in court. Whether he would've been convicted or not is shaky at best, since the definition of "rape" seems to be a bit ill-defined in this country. There is nothing more to this than the private discourse between a woman who felt she was raped and the owner of this site, which I have read. And since most criminal cases require witness testimony to get anywhere, there's no chance of any of this being handled properly. Some non-furries wanted to stir things up, they hacked the site, and they posted this exchange along with many others. I will likely link the old blog post I found so others can make up their minds... but not here.

No. Not here. Not where I have to fear posting even the slightest opinion on this whole debacle. Not where I have to fear losing my account and my connections. Not where they punish you for doing things offsite and thus are not within the jurisdiction of the admins.

I want a better fandom. So, to discourage bad behavior, I think I shall cease posting my material to this account. I will not be wiping my gallery nor preventing people from looking through it. I will just not continue to contribute to the content of a website that has security flaws and seems to have poor management. (Granted, they are likely not as bad as many claim, but they're bad enough to warrant a little protest.) You can find me on SoFurry and Deviant Art, which I will post below, and will continue to post content there. Fur Affinity must improve itself, both in terms of coding and management. Until it does, I see no reason to reward those who run it. Though I doubt they themselves will really miss me. I'm not a "popufur" by any stretch, and my gallery is so small. They have every right to dismiss this entire journal as a temper tantrum, if they wish. This is an emotional decision, to be sure, though it is also in part an intellectual one. It is not wise to remain in a place that has a history of stepping outside its jurisdiction.

Do as you think best. Perhaps FA will soon implode and better sites will replace it. I can only hope that people will strive to better the fandom, even if it means making unpopular decisions that result in a better standard.

Still, remember not to pass on rumors. Unless you do the research yourself, or someone provides you the information, you know nothing. And it's best to remember how little you know before you say or do anything.

I'll cya around.

---

Deviant Art: http://banditringtail3.deviantart.com/
SoFurry: https://banditringtail.sofurry.com/


EDIT: Okay, so, scratch the comments about a court case. Because apparently rape and sexual assault cases are not pursued as hard as Law & Order: SVU would have us all believe. And of those that are pursued? Not many convictions occur. Our society seems to engage in a lot of victim blaming, arguing over technicalities and "false rapes" instead of dealing with a real, serious problem. And that's before you get into the mental trauma caused by rape, much of which leaves deep, emotional wounds that would only get dragged out and salted in a court of law. Not many people who've been made helpless and to feel violated through sexual assault are willing to be assaulted again... even if it's just by a lawyer trying to make the best defense case for his client that he can.

So. Even if the notes hadn't been leaked, the guy in question might not even have gotten convicted, or taken to court in the first place, regardless of his guilt or innocence. Don't you just love America?

Need I remind everyone the proper thing to do with rumors?

I don't know what's going on. I only know rumors of who did what, or why this is all happening. And the bans.

Until someone can prove anything, SHUT UP. Rumors will not help. Throwing temper tantrums over this can't help anyone. Neither will spreading rumors. And if the admins really are as vindictive and petty as some think, then they'll lose everything they have. Maybe not today or tomorrow, or even next week... but the wicked cannot prosper. They poison their own hearts with every evil act.

Even so, forgiveness and reconciliation are possible until death. After that, it's anyone's guess what happens. I'm sure they chose the guy due to his credentials, and for their sake I hope he's not lying. Until you can prove to them that he's scum, there's no point in making accusations.

Don't spread rumors, don't panic, and don't abuse the admins just 'cause you think you know what's going on. Running a website is no easy task. For all their faults, FA runs, and it's done a lot for the fandom. Don't forget that.

I have accounts on Deviant Art and SoFurry if anything happens to me, though I doubt it will. I'm not gonna raise a fuss over something I know nothing about. But you can watch me on one of those sites if you're leaving FA. I'll probably leave FA when they ban me; I've no reason to pull up roots here. Not yet.

Again, don't make more drama. If what everyone thinks is happening is happening, then we'll deal with it. Not before. It's not like they gave him admin powers, right?

I'll see you all in the morning. Rest well, and kill any rumor you see.

Just a quick list of stuff I got for Christmas.

- Check from my grandparents
- $10 Google Play gift card my grandmother didn't want
- A Sherpa blanket
- One set of flannel pajamas
- A long-sleeved t-shirt
- Ready Player One by Ernest Cline

So that was... one thing I asked for. =P I guess "just get me some gift cards" was a tall order. Ah well. Least I should be warm this winter. And a nice book to read while snuggled up under the blanket. ^.^ And pretty sure Mom and Dad will be giving all of us airline tickets, though I'm not sure what I'll use 'em for. I'll figure that out when I get there.

Merry Christmas!

If a kitsune was to come into contact with illegal drugs, would they have an allergic reaction?

I have my own idea, but I wanna hear what others come up with. Give me a yes, no, or maybe and then post your reasoning. I look forward to seeing what you come up with.

Don't do it. Just don't.

I know everybody likes to pass along the latest bit of drama, but what you're really doing is engaging in gossip, and that never ends well. Unless you've confirmed for yourself that something is true, it's unwise to pass it along. Even if it is true, it's best to ask yourself, "Is this worth my time and energy to address? Does passing this along result in a net profit or loss for me?" If you can't see any way to gain from it more than losing, it's probably best to leave it alone. More so if you don't know the people involved.

As an example, I give the drama that prompted this journal. I stumbled across it on Tumblr, and I felt a bit conflicted over it. Two reasons: I know one of the people in one of the screencaps, or at least the name he goes by on that particular chat; I also went to the artist's own Tumblr blog where she denies everything, and insists the screencaps are fake.

Could I address this? Could I make a journal about my conflicting feelings over this? Sure. But I do not see a good reason to. The only person I know in the whole thing isn't even really a friend of mine. We've just rubbed shoulders in the same chatroom, one that's run very well by the owner and mods. As I see it, it's none of my business, and I have better things to spend my time and energy on, like writing more stories for people to read.

So please, next time you're tempted to make a journal over some new furry drama you've stumbled across... stop. Think about it. Ask yourself if this really is worth your time and energy, and what the consequences might be, both good and bad. Then act from there.

Not that you should deny your feelings on controversial matters, but some things are best kept in private, among your friends and peers, and not pasted for all to see across your journal. I'll be handling my own feelings in private with friends. That's the right thing to do.

And please note, if you ask for details, I will not answer. If you provide them, your comment will be deleted. This is your only warning. If you can't get my point through your head after reading the above, you're not welcome in my journal. Got it?

I'm doing better. Went to bed after my last journal and had a good cry and talked to God a little. Found out he actually enjoys it when I pray, even the tangents I go off on. I can at least boast that God is never bored when I pray, not if it's a long prayer. Having a brain ferret makes life interesting.

Anyway, next day I went to the my therapist appointment, and we discussed the email I'd composed for him on my bullying experience. Helped me to realize the wounds I'd taken way back then, and the message(s) they gave me. So now he's dared me to prove what the wounds are saying is true... with the implicit direction to fail, of course. 'Cause I'm not worthless and I have a lot of people who can help me, and who value me for who I am. People who believe in me. And that's a good thing.

He also helped me realize that my loss in an OCT (Original Character Tournament) on deviantArt was not so much a failure as a learning experience. Yes, it hurt. It hurts to lose. But I learned three things:

1. Don't use a brand new character you've fallen in love with. You'll be more likely to go easy on them instead of making a good, convincing story.

2. Don't leave it for the last minute. If you write things right up against the deadline, there's no time to edit it, nor to apply lesson 3...

3. Don't dismiss the Beta readers. If I'd had one, they might've caught my mistake and suggested how to rework things to make a better story. I might have won the first round, or at least had a closer call.

I made some rookie mistakes, but it doesn't mean I'm a failure. I'm a writer. And dagnabbit, I will fail forward if it kills me. Better to die to the miserable life I have than be "safe" from all risk. I'll take the heartache and pain if it means joy comes in the morning.

I'll keep working on my projects. Take care of yourselves, and don't be afraid to cry, even if you're all alone. Pent up emotions will drive you nuts, and trust me, I know nuts!

...I'd be a lot more active in the job hunt if it didn't feel like everything was set against me.

I don't even know the common pitfalls. And my savings aren't going to last much longer. When it feels like I'm doomed to failure though, I don't even want to try.

Someone wake me when I'm dead and the world is remade. Maybe then life will work the way it's supposed to, and not the way the world insists it must.

Maybe it would be better to post this as a submission, yet I felt it might be best to post it in a journal instead of going through all the trouble of submitting it. I may polish it later and post it as an article, though I'm not sure if this counts as a "HISI Fit" as I'm not sure how much of this is my opinion and how much is truth. I suggest you consider what I have to say and make up your own mind.

Now, the thing you'll often hear writers talk about is character flaws. We may not all be able to point them out in our favorite characters, but we do know what it looks like when you leave them out. The popular term for it is "Mary Sue", though some prefer only to use that to refer to fanfiction characters. Regardless, they're important character traits. In my mind, only Jesus could have any real claim to being a perfect person, and even then you can find people voicing doubts on that! Thus, a perfect character tends to turn people off. It's just not believable (even if it's realistic), so our instinct is to find some other entertainment. Making your characters flawed helps people accept the reality you're trying to create, though some go so far as to insist that "flawed" means "doesn't resist temptation well". Which is silly, because that's only one type of flaw! And sometimes, it's not really that fun to follow a character who's all angsty and never seems to get a fair break. People react in different ways to the same things, so it only makes sense that the same character flaws might manifest in different ways depending on the character. Not everyone reaches for alcohol to treat their anxiety, nor porn to soothe their loneliness. It must be unique to the character.

However, flaws are inherent to the character's personality. Some people have no trouble with certain difficulties or temptations in life. Others will struggle for years before they get help, or just resign themselves to a life of misery fighting it. Even so, a character's strengths and weaknesses are part of them, and they would not be who they are without them. They come from internal sources.

Or do they?

We have all of history and science at our disposal. From them, we have learned that the body can be wounded, even scarred. We have also learned that the mind can be broken or injured, and that this is not always a result of physiological problems. Yet how many would consider the idea that the heart and soul can be wounded? Ah, but now we are outside the realm of science, and history is of little help. This is the realm of the Unproven, that which we have no physical evidence for, not as yet. If spiritual wounding is possible, then it must be considered in the realm of philosophy and religion, for these are the realms of thought which extend beyond physical evidence into what is possible and probable. Here, mythology and logic dance together and sometimes wage war. And this is also the realm of fiction, where new ideas and old can mingle together and produce fantastic new concepts.

So why hasn't the idea of spiritual wounding been explored in fiction?

I think it's because it is both a new and old idea. We of the "Modern Age" or the "Age of Reason" live rather godless lives. I mean no offense, yet think about it. How many people of this age consider their spiritual health of any great importance? Or consider it the most important? Very few, I think you'll find, for there's this push to consider everything as having a physical, natural cause, as if anything above or beyond it is superstition or nonsense. Even those of us who claim to be "spiritual" or "religious" sometimes find ourselves living a life that is very materialistic. Myself, I did not come up with the idea of spiritual wounding on my own. I stumbled upon it reading the books of John Eldredge, a Christian who went back and looked at scripture with fresh eyes, a vision free of most traditional interpretations. And what he found surprised him as it seemed nothing like the Christianity he saw in America. The idea that God cared about each person's heart alone was staggering, and it's impacted my own life and faith in ways I'm not yet sure I understand.

This is what I mean by being both old and new though. The idea was no doubt understood by the Israelites, and you'll find many Psalmists wrote as though their very heart and soul were breaking. And it only makes logical sense. If you accept that life is not just material, and that human beings are more than mind and body, then you must take into consideration that the spiritual nature of humankind can be hurt. According to Christian scripture, it's already been infected with sin, and has been corrupted. So how do we know that the deepest, most painful wounds aren't the ones that lie underneath the mind, down deep where emotions come from and are produced? Perhaps a soul can be wounded, not in any way that requires fantastic or magical means, but in ordinary, insidious ways that are as natural and normal (and real) as skinning your knee causes you to bleed.

This, I think, is the difference between flaws and wounds. A flaw is internal, something a character is born with, or develops out of their own choices. But a wound is given. It is external, and often not by choice. In fact, I'd argue it's never by choice of the victim, though it can be an accident on the part of the perpetrator. The point is that it's an awful, horrible thing, and it can impact someone's personality in ways that leave them stunted and weak. Even vulnerable. Many victims of sexual molestation may later come to blame themselves, or experiment with their sexuality. Some may say this is natural, yet if it's a result of struggling with a spiritual wound, the odds say it's a coping mechanism that will only result in more pain. And no, time does not heal all wounds. Physical, maybe. But mental and spiritual wounds? I think those need treatment, not time. Even if it's something as simple as good friends who love you and are willing to help you through your pain, with no benefit to themselves. Or it may be that the only real healing for a spiritual wound is the touch of God, received when your heart is open to him. Who can say? But I think they will get worse if left untreated, and that tends to lead to insanity of some kind, perceived or real.

Those of you who are writers, I would encourage you to explore this in your own works. I must caution you though that it can perhaps lead to you finding your own wounds in your heart, and that can be both good and bad. The good is you may realize why you've had this particular hang-up all these years. The bad is that it will bring you pain as your attention is drawn to the wound and its causes. If this happens, I must recommend you seek out someone you trust for counseling, and that you make efforts to forgive those who wounded you. This will help you a great deal, even if the person you find yourself having to forgive is God (a bit of a weird concept for those of us who believe he's sinless and perfect). In any case, I must stress one point:

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. IT WAS NEVER YOUR FAULT. YOU DID NOT DESERVE IT.

Wounds are a result of violence, and not all violence is physical. Mental violence could be said to be the result of conflicting, unyielding thoughts clashing in one's mind. Spiritual violence is trickier, though one can hurt another's feelings, and it may at times cut down deep into the soul. I'm pretty sure I still have deep wounds from being bullied in school, and it may be why I struggle to get ahead in life. Whatever the case, it's not your fault. (Oh gods, I'm gonna cry every time I read that.) You didn't do anything to deserve that wound. It happened because someone else either over-reacted, chose to be cruel, or because they're living out of their own wounds and refuse to seek treatment.

Trust me, getting these healed is a painful process, whether it's done all at once or in stages. But the relief? Oh, the relief! It's like a burden you did not know you carried was lifted from your heart, and you can breathe a little easier. If you write characters with wounds (and you need to, because there's not a soul alive who hasn't been hurt; even Pinkie Pie got depressed and a lil crazy when she thought her friends hated her), you must consider whether they will seek healing or just ways to numb the pain. Or perhaps choosing a path of discipline and ritual that kills the heart, rejecting emotion and perhaps empathy as well. Whatever the path they take, remember that they often cannot help themselves when it comes to their wounds. They've made them a part of their identity somewhere inside, perhaps at the subconscious level, and it will hinder them. After all, if you didn't at least wonder if the bullies weren't right about you, would you be struggling so much to make life work? You'd be surprised how easy it is to agree with lies about yourself. Most people do it every day without a second thought.

If your characters seek to be heroes, they cannot allow that in themselves. Make them think. Make them feel. Give them friends and mentors that will help them realize that they are wounded. Then give them a choice about what to do about it. They can be hedonists who numb their pain through sensual pleasures (though no doubt many real hedonists will protest that this is not true hedonism, and they may well be correct). They can seek to discipline their minds and bodies and let their heart wither (you'll find many religions that result in this, including many that claim otherwise). Or perhaps they can find healing, either through God or some other source that can heal the soul. Whatever you choose, make sure it makes sense for the character, and be sure not to save them from the consequences. If you write yourself into a corner, don't pull a Deus ex Machina (not unless you make it both obvious and interesting). Pull the story apart and rewrite it. I stopped reading the Sword of Truth series because this happened. Make the consequences real and don't let your character duck them! Not for long anyway. Trust me, my personal experience is that ducking consequences just results in misery and an unfulfilled life. Make them take responsibility so that they grow up and become better.

Whatever you choose, I hope I've helped give you a new tool in your writing. Use it with care. Because once you acknowledge that there is healing available for the wounds of the heart, you will tug on the heart strings of so many people. And many of them will try the method you depict, whether it works in this world or not. Have a care. They're trusting us to get things right. In the matters of the heart, you cannot afford to be wrong.

God bless you, and happy writing. I look forward to seeing what you come up with.