I just had another brilliant story idea, one I think the world needs to hear. But... I'm not telling you. Not yet. Because if I keep telling people my ideas instead of showing them (i.e. writing the stories), then I'll never get any where. Hasn't done well in the past. Won't do well now. I need what works, even if it's a bit difficult.

So. To help me with this, I'm going to try to reduce the amount I talk about my ideas. I think it's better to make announcements about what I'm working on using the journals here, maybe various forums too. And Facebook, yeah. Maybe get a Twitter sometime when I'm ready for it. But there's something you can do to help, if you run into me somewhere, online or off, and start talking your ear off about an idea.

"Stop. Don't tell me. You know it's awesome, right? So go write it up and let me read it later. Show me, don't tell me. I know you can do it. So get it done and shoot me a copy. We'll talk about it then."

In other words, don't encourage me to talk. Please encourage me to get it done, and believe in me. Help me to believe in myself, even if it requires something crazy, like Jesus dressed up like Kamina ("Don't believe in yourself..."). I've talked all my ideas to death in the past. And I'm not alone in this bad habit; a certain red wolf ranted about this problem a couple years ago. I don't really need to talk about my stuff except for vague concepts, and finer details given to close, trusted friends (and Beta readers, though they're not exclusive). The rest of my excitement belongs in the studio. If I'm not creating, I'm not gonna live my dream. Feel free to be excited with me about my stuff. But please... if you be friend or a fan, please help me put my focus where it belongs: at my desk creating new awesome tales for you all.

The rest is mere details. Well, tricky details, yeah, but I've got some help with that. Look up "The Three Jaguars" sometime. That webcomic and the related articles gave me renewed hope for my dream. Maybe I can't live it full time, and maybe I shouldn't. Maybe some jobs have to wait for heaven to really take off. But I can do this. It'll be rough, it'll be heart-breaking even... but if I believe in it, and you do too, I know it can be done. When I have a better income, I'll be sure to tip the Jaguars; I owe them a renewed sense of hope. Least I can do is buy 'em a couple dinners. Or maybe just a Happy Meal. =P I hope they understand.

To those who believe in me, thank you. Keep believing, and remind me of it often. I need encouragement.

To those who don't, that's okay. I'll do my best to convince you in the future, and if I can't, I wish you well.

To those who love me, I love you too. Forgive me if I don't always show it the right way, or respond to how you show me. Humans are complicated, and I will endeavor to learn your Love Language as soon as I can.

To everyone else, may God bless you and lead you to where you belong. I know there's a place for everyone in heaven. I hope to see yours filled.

Be kind, be faithful, and be courageous. This alone will bless you more than you can know.

I keep seeing this "TMI Tuesday" thing around the site. People post a journal promising to answer just about any question you can think of, no matter the subject. The implication is that you can ask more perverted questions without wondering if it was inappropriate.

I've thought of maybe doing it myself, or just asking my watchers what they think. But now that I think about it, I don't think I will. It just seems a bit like an attempt to grab attention. Doesn't mean that's the only reason for doing it, yet I know in my own case that'd be the main reason. And I don't want to do things like that. Besides, I'd have to put in a caveat that I won't answer certain questions, or might be a bit vague about them. Because the fact is that as much of a pervert as I can be, it's not really who I am. I don't really want to parade my unmentionables and private fetishes out in public for the world to see. Why should I? People can live their lives just fine without knowing all the "juicy details" about my sex life (or lack there-of). And the people who can't? They're the ones that would make me run for the shotgun and sleep with it at night. Remember, kiddies: the only proper response to a stalker in your house is a load of double-O buckshot.

In any case, if I'm really that desperate for attention, I guess all I need do is post more journals and submissions. People will notice, and while they might not look at everything I post, everything I post has a chance of being seen by someone. So there's not much need to dip into anything pervy to garner attention.

That said, if you want to ask questions of me here, feel free! Just know that I won't answer every question with the information desired. I won't lie, but I reserve the right to mock you if I feel you've gotten inappropriate. =P I'll try not to be cruel about it. Expect a generic response cribbed from a book of FAQ's for an old series of text adventure games. You'll know it when you see it.

Also, might do like a certain "Ambaaaarrrrgh" did and do a series of questions about my characters. Could be good for development, and it'll let people know my characters better.

That's all for now! Ask away if you like, or just tell me how awesome I am!

No really, tell me. =P I need the compliments.

A new level of low for dirtbags in the fandom: someone stole physical art out of an artist's car! Details here:

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/4946137/

Spread the word. Let's make sure this dirtbag doesn't get away with this!

I went to a family reunion last weekend, and picked up a book that caught my interest. "The Five Love Languages". Read through it during the weekend, all of it. Quite fascinating, and I think it's given me new insights into my situation.

For one, I think my mother and I speak different love languages. While she feels loved when people do things for her (Acts of Service), it's not something that comes natural to me. My primary love language is Physical Touch, and Words of Affirmation (i.e. compliments, praise, that sorta thing) is a close second. My family is not exactly "touchy-feely", or at least they don't hug all that much. And Mom... doesn't exactly give me many compliments lately, and is especially harsh on my dream of becoming a writer. So, little surprise that my "Love Tank" tends to be a bit low.

I surmise that this may be the reason some things give me so much trouble. Porn, cybersex, fantasies of all kind. Since I don't feel I'm getting much love from my family (and having these kids around kinda frazzles my nerves as well), it makes me a little more vulnerable to temptation and manipulation. If we assume the devil is real and is active against humanity in general, then keeping my "Love Tank" on empty is a good way to put me in a mood for sin. After all, the author of the book knows that many teens act out sexually because they do not feel love. When you're starving for love, any kind of affection or pleasure may soothe the ache for a while. Can't fill it, can't fix it, but at least you'll be numb for a bit. And hey, sex is fun.

Maybe this is part of the reason why I find these things so tempting. There's been a lot of miscommunication in the family, especially between Mom and myself, because of different love languages. I don't think it explains everything, but it helps me see why my mother nags me so much about doing stuff around the house and getting off the computer. "Quality Time" is her second language, no doubt, and she loves it when I take action to do something for her, without being told. ("I shouldn't have to ask!" ...yeah, still not sure why she says that. Still bugs me too.) But I don't really "feel the love" when someone does something for me. A gift? Sure. Spending time together? Yeah, I get that. And if you hug me and tell me what a wonderful person I am, I'll probably love you forever. But doing chores just seems kinda... I dunno. Love? They don't seem to go together. But it does help me vanquish my anger toward my mother if I just tell myself to do the chore out of love. Love is a choice, after all. You can only improve or deepen a relationship if you choose to love another person, and it usually involves work of some kind. You have to put the effort into it and not go halfway. People can tell. So don't do it halfway.

Even so, there's probably a lot more going on besides that. But if Mom and I can at least start choosing to love each other in the languages we understand best, it might do a lot to clear the air and make the devil's work more difficult.

Time will tell. In any case, I wish to learn to be fluent in all five of these love languages. Because I love people, and if I can't speak their language to show them that, it'll make me a lot less effective in helping them find healing for their wounds. And that's something I just don't want to happen.

Take care, all of you. Be sure to learn the love languages, as best you can, and don't forget that your relationships are worth fighting for. God thought his relationship with you was worth it too.

...and I found it not only hilarious, but so informative I read it all the way through! Turns out human digestion is a lot more interesting and complex. 'Course, this is sort of an "anti-vegetarian" blog post, or could be seen that way, though to me it's more of an "anti-bogus-myth" blog post. =P Ya wanna be vegetarian, that's fine with me! Just don't go passing around myths you hear. Like the one debunked below:

http://www.gnolls.org/1444/does-mea.....nd-vegetables/

And remember people: The More You Know

*insert NBC's jingle here*

Many people have their "Bucket List". Stuff to do before they die. I would like to propose a "Heaven List". Yep, you guessed it: stuff to do after you die. Novel concept, I'm sure, mostly because people don't think on heaven much.

So, let's make some assumptions first, even though this is just for fun.

- Heaven is real. (Duh. Otherwise, what'd be the point of the list?)

- You get to go to heaven.

- Heaven is not boring, but full of stuff to do.

- Heaven is physical, much like earth, but better.

- There is neither sin nor entropy (nor any evil spirits), so there are no wars, no one gets hurt, and things don't break down or need preservation.

(And please don't start an argument over the definition of "sin", or how you won't go if this or that isn't in heaven; this isn't supposed to be a deep discussion.)

- Since there's no sin, you don't have to wonder if what you're doing or what you want is right or wrong. Ain't that a relief!

- Oh yeah, and since there's plenty to go around and no fighting, you'll probably have or be given all the resources you need... including the patience to earn resources from others through work. (Sorta like side quests in an RPG that helps the main quest.)

Obviously, there's a lot more that could be said, but I think that's enough to get started (though my logic may be a little shaky =P). And yes, it's okay if your lists for before and after you die overlap a bit. After all, in this world, you will often find your plans and desires thwarted because of this or that circumstance. Sometimes because of the efforts of others to sabotage you (and that's before we get into the possibility of the devil messing with you). But given what I said above, many of those missed opportunities will be given back to you! Though I don't know if Disney World will still be open. =P Might need to rebuild it first.

So, if you're an immortal, invincible denizen of heaven, with all the time and resources you need, what do you do? Make a list and post it here, if you like! Feel free to discuss with others, but please be respectful! I want this to be fun and engaging, and it won't be if people are jerks (though I know some of the places I post this have a low jerk-to-niceness ratio =P please ignore the warning if you're not a jerk). Just have fun with it, and let's hear your ideas!

And for your perusal, my own Heaven List:

- Sit down and have a talk with the Inklings, including any new members initiated after death.

- Travel the world and see what's new and what's still the same (though much of it will be new to me!).

- Maybe take a trip to the edges of the Solar System. I bet Pluto is lonely out there.

- If possible, write/collect Myst-style Linking Books and begin building my own real life "Age", full of inventions and puzzles.

- Help manage Heaven's Library... there's gonna be a lot to sort through!

- Write a few hundred novels... as a start.

- Visit old friends and family in their new homes.

- Meet people who I influenced for the better, and make friends with them.

- Eat lots of tasty food! But not all at once!

- Help create new games, films, and other forms of entertainment.

- Talk with the Disciples and other early believers.

- Learn! They've got the best teachers, books and equipment!

- Learn a new art... with my Grandpa T. Damn, how I miss him!



....I don't think I can top that last one. And I don't want to.

...no, I'm not dead. =P Lotta things happened in the past couple weeks. Too tired to cover it all right now. Suffice to say, things got a little busier around here.

Might post an update later if I get around to it. Don't hold your breath; you'll turn a permanent shade of blue. Or purple.

If I get employed, expect a full post regarding all the details. Cya around!

So. Mom forced me to register for FAFSA for another college, even though I am having doubts. After all this, and the conversation with her, I am feeling whipped, demoralized, and maybe in need of a good cry. Or to scream. I'm not real sure. I just have this dominating thought of "Mother always wins" running around in my head, and my sanity is not too good. If I got killed right now, I'm not sure I'd really matter. At least death would mean heaven, and distance from my mother, which I am in sore need of.

Which is why I've determined I must get that distance, though I prefer not to involve death. Tends to be rather permanent you know, and I have much work left to do here on this earth. What I'm looking for are temporary accommodations, to just sleep and live somewhere away from my mother and perhaps the rest of my family for a few days. I'd love to take my computer with, but that's a mistake, and I know it. So I'll just pack a backpack with some non-electronic entertainment, supplies for writing, drawing, and maybe Bible study. Especially Bible study, 'cause I know I've been neglecting my walk with God. Then some clothes and a sleeping bag, of course. I'm sure I still have the latter in my car.

Maybe this is childish. Maybe this is just simple rebellion, a way to go, "So there!" to my mother. Maybe it's a way to try and "win" somehow. Maybe I'll just end up a furry cliche.

I DON'T CARE.

I'm done. I want out, even if just for a little while. Let me find other ways to live, to get by on my own. So long as I'm gone for here and don't have to deal with her for a few days, that's fine.

I need to be away from this woman before I do something crazy. Maybe I already am. Much as I love her, I cannot stand being under her roof, letting her dictate my life. It's been that way since I was young, and I cannot stand it anymore.

If there's anyone in my immediate area who wouldn't mind letting me couch surf for a little while, please let me know. I offer my services as cheap labor in return, to be called upon whenever you deem it best. I've done it for my parents, so I know I can do that much at least. You don't even have to pay me, and I don't expect this arrangement to be permanent.

Maybe I'll regret this in the morning. Maybe not. I just want out, right now, before I lose another damn argument.

Those who aren't close by, prayers and well wishes are welcome. God knows, I could use 'em.

I've had it in my mind to address a couple controversial subjects, so a heads-up to people who either might be interested or want to avoid the surrounding debate. The two I'm looking to address in the near future are:

- Furries and Hell: While reading a book on heaven, the author made a point that if you're going to talk about heaven, it's irresponsible not to include hell at some point. This is going to be a dicey topic and I intend to handle it as best I can. Suffice to say, though, most people aren't gonna like what I have to say. Part of the topic, really.

- Gay Marriage: If the previous topic wasn't guaranteed to raise people's hackles, this one will. I know my views on it, and I wouldn't be surprised if some people, local and long-distance, don't want to talk to me afterward. Again, I'll handle it as best I can, but I know things will get heated.

Yeah, real popularity makers, those. But I figure people will hate me even if I don't give 'em the excuse. I'll be as honest and exhaustive as I can be on these topics, as well as trying to be fair and not pick on anyone. I think these things need to be addressed, and no doubt I will pick out more topics as I think of 'em. Heck, two more popped into my head while writing this (the term "Original Character" and its usage, as well as my views on pornography), but for now the ones up above will have to do. I'll see about posting 'em as soon as possible.

I look forward to your comments on these, even the flames. I love making toasted marshmallows from inside my abestos-lined suit. Just gotta be careful around the dragons; I hate the taste of ash!

I'm tired.

Tired of winter lasting much longer than it should around here. It's nearing the end of the second week of April, and we got three more inches of snow. Possibly more.

Tired of feeling like my efforts to find employment will end in nothing. I had two interviews and was optimistic. And I'm still without income.

Tired of feeling like I don't fit in anywhere. Worried that Christians will find out about my tastes in entertainment, or that furries will find out about my faith. Wondering if I'll ever find a group I can belong to.

Tired of having damn near everyone blow off what I have to say. Christians denying spiritual warfare, people telling me to "go gay" as if they've put more thought into it than I have, or just my mother thinking she knows what's best for me despite evidence to the opposite at times.

Tired of having the devil and his minions play with my thoughts and emotions, of feeling like I'm all alone in this battle for my soul. I hate the days where it feels like I just can't stop thinking, and my heart aches for silence of thought.

I am tired. How long the road, Abba, until I am Home? I cannot see the way, and my heart breaks. Is it a wound? Is it the devil? Is it my sin, the Saboteur, working against me? Is it my own foolishness? Is this some part of your plan I can't understand yet? Or is it all these things and I just can't see which is which?

When can I come Home, Abba? When will I find relief from sin and the devil's touch? When will I be able to trust my mind and know my choices are sound? When will I be able to see my stories bring joy and delight to the hearts of others?

When, Father? I am tired, and my soul aches. Give me solace, or take me Home. I don't know how much longer I can walk.

When, Abba? When?

I don't usually do this, but... I don't think anyone should be forced to do adult art just to make ends meet.

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/4424592/

Go here and help this guy out. Has pretty cool art, and he really needs the money. I'd ask you not to order adult art from him, even though he's opened that up, but it's really up to you. If you've got money to spare, consider commissioning him. I'm sure he'll give you your money's worth.

Time to list the loot!

Received:

- Deadline by Randy Alcorn
- Deception by same
- Heaven by same
- Lord Foulgrin's Letters by same
- "The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey" Soundtrack on CD
- "Squint" by Steve Taylor
- "What's the Rumpus?" by Gaelic Storm
- Cool new t-shirt
- Statue of sleeping raccoon
- Sweet Treats by Margaret Carspecken
- YNAB 4 on Steam
- Buster Keaton Collection on DVD
*NEW* - Pair of snowshoes w/ carrying case and poles
*NEW* - Gift art from  snowdriftz

Promised:

- One gift art
- Pair of snowshoes
- New mouse & keyboard
- Various unspecified gifts

That's all for now! I'll update later if I get anything not on the list!

...and the results are more mixed than I expected. O.o;; Next to cute little balls of fluff, I get... "sex kittens". Often.

I really shouldn't be surprised. =P And yet, some part of me wants to say, "Shame on you, FA. Shame, shame, shame."

I swear, I don't even have the filters turned off! What the heck, man?

Here ya go! Feel free to pick up anything on this list and bring it on Saturday! If it's late, no big deal! Just show up to the party and send the gift my way when you get it. =P Saves everyone the drama, no?

Also, don't forget my Steam Wishlist! You can find me at BanditRingtail, then buy whatever game you'd think I'd like. Doesn't have to be on the wishlist or be really expensive either! Cheap gifts are still gifts. =3 So don't sweat it.

Final party details are here: https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/4369806/

Cya soon, fuzzies! =3

---

Books:

Heaven by Randy Alcorn
Deadline by same
Deception by same
Lord Foulgrin's Letters by same
Cry Wolf by Patricia Briggs
Academ's Fury by Jim Butcher
John Carter series by Edgar Rice Burroughs
The Name of The Wind by Patrick Rothfuss
House of Leaves
Zen and the Art of Writing by Ray Bradbury
Any classics I haven't read you think are good

DVDs:

"Summer Wars"
"Fantastic Mr. Fox"
Buster Keaton TCM Collection (or any movie with him in it)
"The Artist"
"Doctor Who, The Complete Fifth Series"
"Reboot: The Definitive Mainframe Edition"
Fantasy and/or Sci-Fi in general

Music:

Anything by the Blues Brothers
Gaelic Storm CDs
"Mischief" by S.J. Tucker
"Squint" by Steve Taylor

Misc:

Steam Gift Card
Gift Art (no boxing or porn, please)
Hulu Plus account or gift card
Netflix account or gift card
Body hair trimmer
Keurig one-cup "pod" brewer
New keyboard (backlit keys preferred, but not required)
Gift cards for just about any store (nothing naughty)

Location confirmed!

We'll be bowling right here:

West Acres Bowl
3402 Interstate Blvd S
Fargo, ND 58103

Please look up directions if you don't know how to get there. Google or Bing should have what you need. Please show up around 2 to 3 PM to bowl, hang out, and celebrate my birthday! Early. =P Presents are welcome, but you presence is preferred!

We'll figure out where to eat afterward, probably by popular vote. Cya soon, fuzzies!

----

I'm planning a furmeet! =D Well, sorta.

See, my birthday is March 3rd, about a week from now! Since I'll probably end up going out with family that day (most of 'em are busy weekdays), I thought I could do something on March 2nd with the local furs. I'm thinking some bowling starting around 3 PM, then maybe out to a restaurant somewhere for some good eats. IHOP is a strong possibility, but I'm not opposed to moving the location if others prefer.

Gifts are welcome, though not required! Just showing up, or getting a card and signing it, will be enough. =) So long as you're there and aren't a grump or a jerk, I'll be happy to have ya along.

Just in case you do wish to get me something though, you can find my wishlist here:

https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/4356400/

It'll be updated as time goes on, so keep an eye on it! I'll probably finalize it by the middle of next week as best I can. =P Since it'd be silly to keep updating it indefinitely. And I have to give my family a solid list anyhow.

That's all for now! Lemme know if you can make it! I'll update this journal as more details get ironed out! Take care!

P.S. Neevi, if you can make it, you're in charge of hugs. =P Just so ya know.

EDIT: So, yeah... been a heck of a week, so still need to figure things out. Best thing I think is to find a bowling alley tolerant of fursuits, just in case anyone wants to show up and bowl in costume. As for eats, I don't want to go to anyplace super expensive, or too small. Suppose we could always hit a Pizza Ranch or something.

If anyone has any suggestions, I'm all ears!

Here's what I've got for now. Will update this when I can, so check back every couple days in case it changes.

---

Books:

"Heaven" by Randy Alcorn
"Deadline" by same
"Deception" by same
"Lord Foulgrin's Letters" by same
"Cry Wolf" by Patricia Briggs
"Academ's Fury" by Jim Butcher
John Carter series by Edgar Rice Burroughs
"The Name of The Wind" by Patrick Rothfuss
"House of Leaves"
"Zen and the Art of Writing" by Ray Bradbury
Any classics I haven't read you think are good

DVDs:

"Summer Wars"
"Fantastic Mr. Fox"
Buster Keaton TCM Collection
"The Artist"
"Doctor Who, The Complete Fifth Series"
"Reboot: The Definitive Mainframe Edition"
Fantasy and/or Sci-Fi in general

Music:

Anything by the Blues Brothers
Gaelic Storm CDs
"Salad of Doom" song by S.J. Tucker

Misc:

Steam Gift Card
Gift Art (no boxing stuff, please)
Hulu Plus account or gift card
Netflix account or gift card
Keurig one-cup "pod" brewer
New keyboard (backlit keys preferred, but not required)
Gift cards for just about any store (nothing naughty)

Also, my Steam account should be listed on my user profile. Anything on that wishlist is fair game if you want to gift it to me. Should be updated to have what I want most at the top.

Couple of updates to cover.

Birthday!

My birthday's coming up. March 3rd. Those of you who wish to get/do something for me, mark it on your calendars. Don't care if it gets to me late, or if all you can do is send well-wishes. Just knowing people are thinking of me is enough. ^.^ I'll post up a wishlist sometime, maybe in a journal or in scraps. And those of you with Steam may look up my wishlist there. I've done my best to organize it according to what I want most right now.

Coming up on 30. Hoo boy. Let's hope I can make more of the next year than I did of this one.

YNAB - You Need A Budget

Picked up this little program for a free trial about a week ago. Took me a little bit to get things set up right, and still not sure if it's quite correct. And a little unsure how to budget the money that I do have. But at least now I have something to help me figure out how to spend my money, and perhaps help me get out of debt. Has a lot of nice features and I recommend it if you have trouble making a budget. It might help you, and you can always just delete it if it's too much trouble.

Best feature though? You can't budget money you don't have. Won't do it. So if that's a problem for you, either learn to live with it, or delete the program. I'd recommend the former; living without a budget got me into this mess! Let's hope this will help me get out of it.

Anxiety Therapy

Of course, the real problem may go deeper than making a budget. I had an appointment with a therapist two days ago, and after about a couple hours, she set me up with a guy to help me learn how to handle my anxiety. Basically, I'm stuck in a loop. Stuff comes up, I get stressed, I take steps to avoid it, stress goes away. Lather, rinse, repeat for most of your life. Some of it may be spiritual, granted, and I'm gonna be looking to prayer to help me through this. But if there's also mental stuff here, I need to get that squared away too, and there's no sense in avoiding life all the time.

I want a better life. I want more than the comfortable rut I'm in. It's turned into hell for me. I need out, and if that means suffering... however small it might be despite my warped perspective... so be it. I need a change. If I don't learn how to handle stress in a healthy, positive way, I won't get anywhere. And God knows what will happen when my parents die and I end up on the streets. I'd like to be out of this house before any of us siblings have to think about funeral expenses. Time to, as my dad would say, "Toughen up". Time to get a thick skin and learn to persevere despite my feelings.

Time to grow up and be who I'm meant to be. Say a prayer for me, all my Brothers and Sisters in the faith. I need Jesus more than ever on this journey. Call him up and send some divine intervention my way. And a legion or two of angels. Knowing the devil, I'm gonna need the back-up.

I may not like the change, but I need it. Let's get going.

----

That's all to report for now. I'll post up other stuff when I think of it! Thanks for reading!

Dad's okay! Doctor took his sweet time to see him, but he came home today around 6 PM, and he's fine. Things got a little busy at home though.

Seems Sis Two* decided to visit him in the hospital. She swapped cars with Sis One* and took my nephew with her to some breast-feeding class in town. Which means my niece, now about 3, came home with Sis One. Which meant things got complicated fast once Mom came home with Grandma and Grandpa to drop off my nephew and the diaper bag... and took Sis Two's phone and keys to Sis One's car with them. Whoops.

As it is, me and Sis One had to look after the kids until Dad and Sis Two got home, and... my nephew tipped something over before I could catch him. Reached through the railing upstairs and caught something on the buffet that was juuuust within reach. So, we're short one glass candy bowl and a picture frame. And Mom's decorative plate has two pieces knocked out. Oy.

So, was a little stressed out. Didn't help to have a conversation online almost turn into an argument at one point, so I was only glad to go murder fast zombies with spores in them. My poor Vessa got a lung full of spores for his trouble though, yet also his own "pack" of three wolves and two giant lizards.

Fantasy Craft is an interesting RPG.

*Sis One and Sis Two is what I say to keep them anonymous online. Much easier than "my eldest sister" and "my second eldest sister".

My dad's gone into the ER to get his heart checked. They'll be doing tests and nothing's serious yet. He's just had chest pains and pressure, so he needs to get it checked. Has me a little worried, but I'm doing my best not to panic. Not until there's a reason.

Please pray that God will send his Holy Spirit and as many angels as he deems fit to watch over my dad. The devil doesn't miss a chance to cause misery and grief. Let's not give him an opening.

Thank you, and God bless.

Lessee... got a few things to mention...

1. My Nephew

Little guy is fine. Sorry if I worried anyone; the tests came back a while ago. Far as I know, he hasn't suffered any more seizures, real or imagined. Though seeing as my sister is a nurse, like mom, he might have to put up with some of the stuff I have. =P So, continued prayer might be a good idea! XD Don't tell her I said that though. There's pros and cons to having a nurse for a mother.

2. Christmas Swag

Not much to report here. Just a couple presents from my parents and some exchange gift stuff I swiped from my uncle.

- Cold Days by Jim Butcher
- A Tolkien Treasury
- a book of Mr. Rogers quotes
- a "One Ring" keychain
- a handheld Tetris game

Last item I gave away to one of the cousin's kids who seemed to be eying it. After scolding him for snooping in my gifts, I offered it to him. Figured it was better than letting it collect dust on my desk. What do I need it for anyway? Got Tetris DS at home. And it made him happy. =) S'what Christmas is about, right?

3. Fun Books

In case anyone's wondering, yes, I cracked open Cold Days and started reading it. And finished it. Only two days; yes, I'm that fast. Quite the ride, but I won't spoil it. I doubt you can guess what happens though! If you don't know who Jim Butcher is, slap yourself for me, then go look up The Dresden Files at your local library. Read Storm Front and you'll see what all the fuss is about.

The "Tolkien Treasury" book should be interesting too, though I mostly got it 'cause there are recipes in it! I look forward to trying a few of them and see if the Tolkien fandom knows their way around the kitchen. I doubt many of their clubs would refuse you if you learned how to make good food! Seems to be a universal thing.

4. My Health

I got sick on the 19th, and I'm just finally getting over it. I dunno what I caught, but it was nasty. Cold, for sure. Maybe the stomach flu. I just couldn't eat much at Christmas dinner (All that tasty food! D= Nuuuuuu!), and my sinus cavities decided to turn into rubber cement. Ugh. Thank heavens for Mucinex and a good immune system. I should be fine and dandy by New Years, if nothing happens.

5. The Pills

I am also back on anti-depressants, though I'm not exactly sure why. I guess mom thinks it's a good idea, and the doctor she sent me to thought I sounded like I was. *shrugs* Even though I had a psych evaluation a while back, and I wasn't depressed then. But whatever. Unless it prolonged the stomach bug, I don't think it's had any pronounced side effects, and I do feel kinda good most days.

Though... there's a big difference between being happy and being joyful. These pills make me happy. I'm not entirely sure that's a good thing or not. We'll have to see.



That's all I can think of for now. Still unemployed and mostly broke, but will be taking some tech classes soon. Hopefully, I can learn a trade I enjoy and make good money doing. Take care all, and God bless.

My nephew is only a few months old. Just this past week, he looked like he was having seizures. He's okay now, but they haven't found anything. He goes in for testing on Monday, I believe.

My family could use a little prayer right now. I don't know if anything is wrong, but it's better safe than sorry. Please ask God to keep watch over my nephew, and that he would hold my family's hearts in his hands. Until we get more information, there's nothing else to be done.

Thank you, and God bless.

---

Commission info: https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/3942375/

I'm still open for story commissions, so let's get down to pricing.

Short Story - $0.005 per word, rounded to the nearest cent.

Contact me with your idea through a note, or on IM, and we'll hash things out. Please send payment to my PayPal account at strange (underscore) wulf132 (at) yahoo (dot) com. Do not send payment until I notify you that your story is done. Also, e-checks must clear before I will send you your story. You must provide a valid email address so I can get you your commission.

Again, a quick rundown of the rules:

1.) No "Yiff" Stories - I don't want the reputation. Please find another author who will take money to write smut for you.

2.) No Fetish Stories - By this I mean any story containing strange or unusual acts that are both the focus of the story, and could not be taken for anything other than a personal fetish. I'll write boxing or fighting into a story if it's not central to it, or just hinted at. Stuff like inflation will not be written.

3.) No Gay Romance - I hate to do this, but again, I'm not comfortable writing it. Personal reasons. Please find another author. However, this does not cover Romantic Friendship stories, or "Bromance", just obvious homosexual relationships. Those I can handle.

4.) When in Doubt, Ask! - Don't worry if you think your idea breaks the rules. Just note me that you're interested and send me a brief (one to two paragraphs) description of your idea. I'll let you know if I'm comfortable doing it, or make suggestions on how to change it. I'm flexible, and I want to leave you a happy customer.

4.b.) Story Reviews Available! - If you'd rather I just review a work for you and give you an idea of how to improve it, I can do that too. It's $5 for a review, or your best offer. Think of it like buying me lunch and letting me go over your work while I eat (minus the crumbs and stains). I am not a professional, so please don't tip heavily. I'll take what I can get.

5. DON'T BE A PEENWHACK - This rule is defined solely by myself. If I feel you're trying to be a jerk or being unreasonable, I will cancel your commission and open the slot for someone else. You can be in violation of this rule even while following all the rest. I expect my customers to be reasonable people, or at least be courteous. Be advised, violating the other rules means this one can come into effect.

In fact, commissions can be cancelled by me or the customer if either decides the other is not worth negotiating with. This is a non-binding contract, and so long as I get paid, I will hold up my end of the deal. You have my word.

Anything else, just remember Rule #4! ^.^ I look forward to your business!

---

Finished:

 namrepus221 - Short Story - PAID AND DELIVERED!
 mrinitialman - Story Review - PAID AND DELIVERED!

Slots:

1. -  Forerunner777 Progress: First Draft (*****_____) 51%
2. -
3. -

No, I'm not begging for handouts. Not yet anyway.

By the grace of God, I should be able to pay my next Visa bill. My parents paid me back for the dog's grooming bill, and I should have a paycheck come in the mail from a lawn I mowed in the last couple weeks. It should give me enough. But after that, I am going to either have to underpay... or dissolve one of my bank accounts at the credit union so that the money is freed up. I don't know what happens if you try to go under the minimum balance. I think I'll go in tomorrow or at least when I get my paycheck to talk it out. Have to be aware of the penalties; I can't afford to lose much money.

I'm still unemployed. As one friend put it, "When your outgo exceeds your income, your upkeep becomes your downfall." Well it's coming true for me. And I'm frankly real scared. I feel like I'm trapped, being pressed down by the demands of this world, and I suspect one of my fears is losing my dreams again, either to cynicism or lack of time. Or just falling into the rut that traps so many others, that "Finally Friday!" mentality that lives for the weekend... and nothing else.

But whatever my fears are, and no matter my pride, I'm not above accepting help. I am a bit opposed to accepting charity, at least right now. Not that bad yet. So, while I'm no artist, I can certainly offer commissions. I can bang out short stories for people if they like. I'm not sure how much I'd charge per page, but I'm willing to negotiate. Anyone who knows a publisher who might pay for my writing can point me in that direction too. But in any case, if you want to pay me to write something up for you and/or your friends, contact me. There are, of course, a few rules and limitations.

1. No "yiff". - Ugh, how I hate that term. Anyway, I won't do pornographic, erotic, smutty, or just plain dirty stories. If you want a custom sex story, there are a lot of writers elsewhere that can cater to your needs. I have written stuff before, but I always delete it later, and I just don't want the reputation. Besides, if I start getting income from random people on the internet, I don't really want to have to explain that to my parents. Much as I want out of this house, I have no desire to be kicked out for writing smut for profit.

2. No fetishes, even tame. - Though I know most people don't use the word in the psychoanalytic or medical sense (i.e. "something you must include in sex in order to reach orgasm"), the point still stands. Yes, there are stories where people do strange stuff and there's no sex involved. You'll notice those stories are written by other people. So, no boxing, no inflation, no vore (ye gods, why? D=), and definitely no guro. I reserve the right to refund your payment if and when I feel you're getting too creepy, or trying to skirt the line. Don't worry about it too much though; I promise I'll let you know if you're getting close.

3. No first drafts. - I want you to get quality. That means I draw up a first draft, then let it simmer for a while, then look at it again, edit that awful piece of junk, send it to a Beta reader or two, read their suggestions, edit some more, and then it should be ready. Be advised, this is going to take a bit of time. I can bang out a short story in a couple hours at most, but I like to let it be for a couple weeks so I can go back and "murder my darlings", so to speak. If I take more than a month or two to finish, note me. I may have forgotten, or worse, procrastinated, so a gentle but polite nudge can get me going (and maybe a word of encouragement since I suffer from despair sometimes). If nothing else, I'll be sure to avoid spending the money so that I can refund it, which will be in the worst case only. Besides, I may limit it to Payment On Delivery, even if that puts me at risk for scam artists and leeches.

That's all the rules I can think of for right now. Until I figure out a decent price to charge, or get in a good rhythm, I'm gonna limit commissions to just three spots for now. That's three on FA and DA though, so the total comes to six. If you can't grab one here, check the other journal and see if there are slots open.

I'm not sure how well this will go, but I figure it's worth a shot. Be advised, these are short stories, so if you want a novella I'm gonna have to charge more. And it'll take longer. Price of doing business, my friends.

So, let's get this crazy thing started!

SLOTS
1.
2.
3.

DA Journal: http://fav.me/d5gmyj6

EDIT: A couple small points. First, I'm not comfortable doing gay romance stories, so please don't ask. Again, there are other authors out there who can help you with that (I'd suggest O-Kemono and get some art to go with it), and it's just not something I think I could pull off well. And second, I'm willing to negotiate a little on things. Like a story that has boxing in it, but doesn't focus on it, though I do prefer to keep things semi-realistic (e.g. if you ask for inflation to be involved, I'm gonna figure out how they'd survive it, or make 'em cartoons), so please keep that in mind. Trust me, I can think up some very creative stuff, and I'm not opposed to hinting at things if it doesn't bother me too much.

TL;DR version: No gay romance and feel free to negotiate. I'll let you know if you're pushing it.

Here's my situation.

I am a 29-year-old virgin living with my parents. I've only lived under my own roof for six months or so, with a couple roommates that were friends with my brother. It was also the only time I paid rent, since my parents haven't really charged me more than doing a few chores and either going to college or finding work. I am unemployed and have never held a full-time job for even a year. The closest I've come was maybe nine months. Possibly ten. And I turned down a janitor job that would've paid $12.50 an hour. People in my family have already made their opinions known on that matter, as has at least one friend.

I am a Christian, yet I find myself in chains. I have wasted hours on the internet doing nothing productive. When I'm not doing that, there's always something else on my computer I can find. I have a tendency to treat leisure time like a right instead of a luxury. I've looked at pornography many times and still struggle with it and lurid fantasies, even though I know such is poison to my soul. And yet, despite all that, I still have desires for deeper, better things. Things I'm not sure I'll have, not without a lot of blood. Most of it mine, if only in the figurative.

I wallow in sensual filth, and yet still yearn for heaven. I have my desires, and yet am snared by poisonous counterfeits. I want for true companions to fight by my side, yet I doubt and mistrust everyone around me. Perhaps I don't even deserve to be fought for, though I do wonder if that matters at all. No one deserved to be ransomed. And yet Jesus still paid in blood. But sermons are for later.

I say all this so that you may know something of my situation, and perhaps a bit of who I am, though I don't know if these are the truest parts. No doubt some will be able to tell. I would not blame the people that I agree with for looking upon me with disgust and pity. Or as a hypocrite. It is one thing to say you believe in something. It's quite another to live it.

I could blame my parents. That's easy, isn't it? Say it was their fault, their actions that forged me. Hah. What dishonest rubbish. Even though they may share some of the blame, for living under their roof means that their influence is powerful, I see little good in fixing the blame. God knows I haven't been very assertive or aggressive in my life. Hell, if I lose at multiplayer in a video game, I tend to quit in rage and never look back. Even if the other guy was just helping me out by exposing my weaknesses. And yet, I think it's fair to note that much of my life has been others setting things up for me, smoothing out the road. Mother... no, I don't think that's fair... Dad must have been worried too, wondering if his boy, his first born son, wasn't a little... broken. We only got the solid diagnosis just in the past year or so, and I saw so many doctors, so many physicians of the mind. Not to mention the drugs that seemed to drive me mad. And let's be honest... Lucius didn't come from nowhere. I still have bitterness and grief... perhaps something else... buried inside. It may not be part of me, yet it's there, and it has power to influence. After all, it feels so good to be the bad guy, to say the things I never could through someone else... to break all the rules I never dared to so many years ago.

Here I am, stuck in limbo. In purgatory. Trapped between life and death. No, I'm not being dramatic. This is a matter of the soul, a spiritual matter. The most weighty of matters, despite what some of you think. I feel like I'm trapped again, between heaven and hell. I've been here before. The one time I ever got free was a men's retreat, was a little place in Colorado called the Crooked Creek Ranch. I found healing there, and something that brought me out of myself. At least a little bit. And it was a relief to be free of Lust, that slimy jerk of a demon, if only for a little while. It lasted a couple weeks afterward too. Life felt wonderful. Then it faded. I was back to my "routine", if wasting your life can be called that. And when I lamented this, my parents, or at least my mother, dismissed it. "A mountain high" she called it. As if it was the location that mattered! As if I was just believing in another damn fantasy!

Heh. I have mother issues. Does it show?

I am tired of this. The one thing that keeps me going, that gives me hope, is that John Eldredge is right. That this is a love story set in the midst of a terrible war. In some ways, I almost wish I could go back to sleep. Take the blue pill, Neo, because life is too hard outside. Yet I can't go back either. It makes too much sense. What else but a war between heaven and hell could explain this world? Explain what I'm going through? And what other kind of story could ever give me hope of being someone that matters? Who could leave some impact on the world, and not have to fear that the bullies were right about me?

This belief is all I have to cling to. And some days, I don't even act like I believe it. I do enough to get by. I make my parents think I'm getting better long enough to get them to leave me alone. I dread listening to God for fear he'll ask something hard of me, something I can't handle. I push away friends and allies for fear they'll see me, or that they believe in some ridiculous nonsense that they got from church culture, or from watering down the Gospel. I neglect the one relationship that gives me hope of no longer sleeping in an empty bed... for sordid pictures that please the flesh and leave my heart starving.

I am not who or what you think I am. I doubt my own clarity in these matters, and I am going mad. I must get what I need to survive. Because if I can't, well... I may stop believing... and if that happens.

Heh. Well, Beautiful, I may just slip that lovely little mask on, and never take it off... Who knows. Could be fun to be the bastard for a while. To tear the wool off people's eyes, to make society admit the lies it's accepted just to "get by" instead of facing the truth. To watch the world burn and see it feel my pain.

I could be Gollum. I could be Wormtail. I could be the next shadow on the wall, the next headline in the newspapers. I could give the media their next big distraction, another nonsensical report that matters little except to my victims. I want to be Edmund. Oh, don't give me your little speech about how "we're all Edmund". Some of you understand the darkness as well as I. You've felt their claws of madness scraping through your grey matter, firing all the wrong neurons and feeding you all the wrong thoughts. Ah, but I'm letting it influence me again. You see how easy it is to hurt? How easy it is to wound the heart and soul? The devil knows. He's had countless years of practice. And so many of you, even Christians, write him off.

Do I deserve to be fought for? How the hell should I know? I have my hands full just trying to keep from letting my parents wound me, from trying to figure out what to say when I haven't done much that shows practical results. All I have to claim are intangible things, victories won in my own mind and perhaps my little bit of influence steering people halfway around the world away from the abyss. And my writing. The things I've never shown anyone because they're "not ready", the things I "never have time for", leaving my poor muse feeling overworked and under-appreciated. The ideas pile up and I have done little to reduce it. Though the frequency of last week or so gives me hope.

So does my Name. Got a letter from Ransomed Heart, from the ministry run by that guy I saw in Colorado. This time, John wrote about the importance of naming things, of naming the things and situations that come to you. The name can produce misery or create joy. And in those mountains, when my heart was open, God brushed aside everything that the Enemy had put there, and named me "Stouthearted". The very kind of person he needs in this war. Is it any wonder why the devil keeps me where I am? I must be very dangerous.

I do not know what to call my situation. I only know something needs changing. Myself, no doubt. I cannot stay who I am now, even though I'm not who I was. Yet I need help. I am going to face temptations. I am going to face doubt and uncertainty, and I have to deal with what bitterness I have toward my parents and family. I may need to stay offline for a while too, or perhaps take a sabbatical. It would be nice to cut down on the noise and hear from God and be certain of it. I have to fight for that or I'll never get it. Fellowship would be good as well, though I confess I'm unsure where to find it. I can hang with furries and have fun. But I'm not sure I'd ask them to pray for me. And for some reason, I never talk much to the people at church. Perhaps because I don't want them to know me in case I face rejection. But then, I fear rejection from just about everyone. I guess this is an attempt to head that off at the past. Burn the bridges before I get halfway and fall in the river. Knowing where I stand with others would be a great help, even as I seek to know what logs I have in my eyes, and which are mere specks.

I confess though, much of my isolation is self-imposed when I feel I've encountered a Christian who "doesn't get it". Perhaps I'm right. Or perhaps I'm being arrogant. Who but God can tell? And yet, I must ask: what have you done for the Kingdom today? What demons have you bound? What strongholds have you shaken? Have you brought anyone to Jesus for healing? Do you even really know Jesus as he is and not as you think? Do you place more importance on tradition and ritual instead of a real relationship? Don't answer too quick on that last one. Relationships are messy, and Jesus aims to point out your blind spots. He won't, if you'll pardon my French (and even if you won't), "bullshit" you about anything. And he won't let you do the same to him. Church culture is far more comfortable than real Christianity. I should know. I've had my taste of both, and perhaps a bit of hedonism on the side. I can tell you which is best.

This is my frustration, perhaps my greatest one. Even as I fail to live out the Story, I find many others who don't even seem willing to try. Those who've taken an easier route, who just try to get by and ignore anything else. Any call to something higher and more dangerous. And technology, that wonderful child of human want, is right there to help deafen them. It has happened to me, and perhaps will happen again. Don't pretend it's not happening to you. The internet has the Buzz, dear friends. And it will gladly drown out God if it can. Who do you think arranged for it to be there?

I am Stouthearted, and I tell you now, as surely as the blood of Vikings runs in my veins, these are desperate times. You cannot fool yourself anymore. Put on your armor, take up your sword, and fight. If not for me, then for the countless souls who don't know Jesus, whether they live on the other side of the world, or sit right next to you at church.

Enough nonsense. Enough excuses. It's war, whether you would have it or not. Wake up. If nothing else, take my life as proof of it. Not to say all of it has been warfare, but trust me, there is more to this life than misfortune and accidents. There are two plans for this world, two kingdoms locked in mortal combat (no, not that kind, you geeks =P) over every soul on this planet. And while the final overall outcome is decided, there are still battles to fight, and souls in desperate need of rescue. I dare say I am one, even if I'm not deserving of it.

Do you not understand? Or do you not want to? Are you going to take the blue pill and fall asleep? Browse a few more pages before you admit you're tired and fall asleep? Try to convince yourself that mission trips and sending money to starving children will be enough? Focus on your principles, on going to church, on singing worship songs without a thought as to who it is you're supposed to be worshiping?

I am tired of seeing people settle for church culture. For this sanctimonious counterfeit. I wasted so much of my own life on it, on thinking you had to listen to the right music, watch the right movies, dress the right way, or you were in danger of hell. There may be some danger in those things, but only so much in how much they drag you away from God, whether you choose to be a hedonist or a Pharisee. I've tasted the lifestyles of both. They don't give life. They are dead. One is a numbing poison and the other is a dry desert. Both will kill you, right in your heart and soul. If I could get even one of you to understand this, not as I would have you understand, but as God would have it, I would pay any price. I would run through the streets of every major city buck naked screaming it. I would endure this miserable, unenviable situation I'm in until both my parents dropped dead if I knew I could wake someone up by doing it.

So help me, if God has chosen me to beat the Eternal Truths of Reality into your collective heads, I will do so. I will rest only as God wills, so that I may keep fighting, and nudging, and poking, and bothering you until you realize what is at stake.

No more dismissal. No more lies or justification, no more living in the "real world" you think exists. We are at war, one fought in a realm beyond this world, and you are needed. Strength of Adam, Beauty of Eve, Glory of the Most High... and the Love that would die for others... all these are needed, and needed now, not tomorrow! Not when you bloody well feel like it, or when it "makes sense" to you! Your place is not to understand. It's to trust. It's to take up your sword and shield and fight! It's to put your back to Jesus and face the oncoming hordes, and have no doubt, they are coming for you! For you, your loved ones, your children, for anyone they can devour. And while God will indeed fight alongside you, he will not fight for you. God help me, I wish my parents had taken his example. But past is past, and I will forgive, and be healed. And what's more, I will be the ally of your discontent. I will be the thorn in your side, the little squeaky wheel that defies the grease, the little glitch in your software you can't get rid of. I will continue to poke and prod and bother as much as I am able, as often as I can, until you finally submit to the reality of the situation, and turn to the real Jesus. And never to the counterfeit you've been taught.

Heh. I guess, in the grand scheme of things, my situation is but a drop in the pool. But if I can be the drop that causes it to overflow, that reaches others through my tiny ripples, that will be enough. Even though much of what I say could be, and even should be, said to myself, I aim to keep saying it. Who knows? It may get through my stubborn heart too.

But if nothing else, I beg of you, wake up! And face the lion at your doorstep. He will not go away unchallenged.

Most under-appreciated song of this artist. Seriously. The Christian radio stations all play his big numbers (I can't listen to "Cartoons" because of how overplayed it was!), but this little gem is overlooked. I would love to perform this at my church someday, maybe at the end of the worship service... or maybe not. But it definitely deserves more love.

How about some lyrics?

Well you already know life ain’t easy
‘Cause you’ve had more than your share of hard times
Been so long since you heard the sweet music
Or seen the blue sky

Feels like nobody knows how you’re hurtin’
And you’ve gotten so tired of hidin’ your pain
And you’d give anything to lay down your burden
And just fly away
Oh, but don’t go flyin’ away

‘Cause I’ve got good news
It’s water for the thirsty
Comfort for the weary
Good news
I’ve got good news
There’s hope and peace and freedom
Jesus came to bring ‘em to you
And ain’t it about time
Ain’t it about time
Ain’t it about time for some good news

All those talk shows and war zones in the headlines
Well they can’t come close to your chaos inside
So you wanna find a way to leave behind your troubles
And get off this ride

‘Cause it seems like all you’ve been hearin’ is condemnation
And the last thing you need is more shame
Well even your preacher says the Lord is out to get you
But He ain’t that way
Oh no, the Lord, He ain’t that way

I’ve got good news
It’s water for the thirsty
Comfort for the weary
Good news
I’ve got good news
There’s hope and peace and freedom
Jesus came to bring ‘em to you
And ain’t it about time
Ain’t it about time
Ain’t it about time for some good news