So! I used to use FA a lot more back in the day before the days of Twitter and such, and it might be time for me to come back here. Long-form journals are so often things that don't get read that much I think... but maybe then again, I dunno. But it's been too long since I made squeaking noises here and wanted to say '1N'. ^_^

My goodness, it has been a day or two since I was last on FA. I'll be updating this-and-that as I go along. Not much to say right now aside from work is work-like and I think its easy to say that we all don't have the time we used to.

Wanted to check in, I decided to go to FC - I haven't been there in a number of years and am looking forward to returning. Also while in town, I plan to visit some folks - hopefully I'll be able to do this before and after the con (but no guarantees). :)

So, I'm selling a Zenith Dragon, new in its box on Ebay. Posting this in case anyone's interested.
http://www.ebay.com/itm/-/262126167801?

It's hard to separate fact, fiction and other stuff online as drama develops. As such, I took a hiatus from FA for quite some time. For now, I'm returning, as most folks are active here and not on other sites. So, onward to Rainfurrest 2015.

It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.

Before the convention, I was given a challenge (by some folks in authority) to fill the pool completely with inflatables. To this end, I packed my car with all the vinyl that would fit and asked others to bring their toys as well. I arrived on Wednesday and left the following Tuesday; and moved rooms three times and I don't believe I've ever had such a drop in a convention experience.

Before I go further, many of the hotel staff and convention staff have my heart; what they were put through was insane. Somehow the convention managed to pull through and I prefer to remember the fun parts. Similar to an event I ran where everything seemed to go wrong. My thoughts are with those who organize Rainfurrest; when events go wrong it is almost impossible not to take all the bad stuff personally. I learned that from experience this February.

So I got to share a night or more with...
t'sChillin, Cactusyotie
Aphinity, Artie, Nomad
Tuxedokitty, Sierrapup and Baphijmm

The good:
- All the rooms were awesome and the money was (more or less) easily figured out. :)
- This was my first year playing fiddle in the fursuit parade; I hope I did well. My thanks to Enzo for keeping me from getting lost or walking into things/critters.
- I played in the Variety Show for the first time this year and even in the face of technical difficulties for Strawberry Kitty, everything turned out very good in the end.
- This is the first convention where none of my inflatables broke (more on this later).
- Best inflatables panel w/ Aphinity I think I've ever been a part of. :D
- Challenged to fill the pool to the brim with inflatables! :D
- I got to share some quality time with many folks who I never see except in passing at cons. :D

The bad:
- Missed Opening Ceremonies because we were in limbo trying to get a room, for what seemed like forever.
- Early in the convention someone made a public threat to swim with a box cutter and slash all the inflatables in the pool. All the people who warned me about it protected the identity of the fucktard who made these threats, but with all the stupidity going on at the convention; I did not feel safe putting my toys in the pool. So, my body weight in vinyl pretty much stayed in the room.
- Also early in the convention I got to remind someone that they couldn't sell items in the panels - it's against policy. Also, I didn't appreciate their mirthful offer to sell pins and razor blades in the inflatables panel. Especially after getting multiple warnings about Box Cutter Guy and his group.
- Many times I really wanted to go to the bathroom. The bathrooms near Spencers' restaurant were closed for pretty much the whole convention.
- DiaperCon2015 affected me personally, with my roomies' car getting diapered. For one of them, it was their first RF; stay classy! :(
- Dress code: Diaperman2015 was its own embarrassment; in various chats and group DMs I found myself defending RF's openness to furries who weren't there. I think there should be a dress code. I think that dress code should be enforced. However, I think that the dress code should also be as open as practical; because once any group feels targeted, I see a stupidly slippery slope. :(
- I heard about the drunk dude running his panel while just wearing diapers and getting into a fight with programming staff... X.x I consider this 'bad' and not 'ugly', because its stupid, but not done with malicious intent (at least, I think).
- Saturday, after I'd been up for 18 hours doing All The Things, I walked into Ops to ask about a pool closure (a fight was going on), and of everyone in the room, I seemed to be the least drained. Soon thereafter I put on a staff shirt and was able to give one staff member relief. I couldn't find any other staff who weren't drunk or asleep or even other folks who might be able to take on a staff role at that time. I did what I could for them... :(

The ugly:
- Willful destruction of the hotel by folks who were there to either have a free-for-all weekend or to try to get the convention cancelled. Between the hot tub getting clogged with towels (that's one expensive repair),
- the glory hole drilled in a public restroom;
- flushed diapers that got the Roto Rooter guys a fat paycheck from the hotel (public and private restrooms),
- the blowjob that was captured on Twitter just outside the Main Theater on Thursday or Friday night,
- the hotel and convention staff who were physically assaulted (I am unsure on confirmation of this)
- the crazy guy Friday night in the parking lot (having a psychotic episode while on drugs)
- the police, emergency medical services, etc...
- the person who was rescued from the pool in the Clarion (a near tragedy)
- the drug raid that happened in said Clarion
- the flooding that happened to the Hilton (a water pipe was opened or cut between a toilet and the wall)
- the letter from Hilton expressing how ready they were to have us all leave early (at least my room was one that got said letter) :(
- the logistics team was left by everyone to pack up the mess that was left over and pretty much fend for themselves... I and a few others helped out; they were already drained from the convention itself and with help I think we got all the RF stuff out of the hotel before the hotel could asses any additional penalties...
- It seems there was a group specifically trying to get RF shut down so they could get the troll points for being bigger dickbags than those who screwed over Oklacon.

I even had prototype towels for The Pool Party sent to me at RF to show off (and that took a little bit of coordination on my part); but all the goings-on; and that so many people were willing to get banned for trolling the convention, the towels and the pooltoys mostly remained in the safety of my room. After the convention, I put a pooltoy in the pool and got unwelcome stares from regular hotel guests and knew that I wasn't welcome there. Even if all those guests did was sun on the lawnchairs and nobody actually swimmed.

Like any convention, some areas of Rainfurrest are run exceedingly well. Some parts weren't (some things are things staff can fix, some things are things we as a community need to fix and some things may have been screwups on the hotel's part, intentionally or accidentally). We as furries can only fix the things we find to fix. Hotels talk; moving an event like RF would be exceedingly challenging. If furries (or even outsiders) continue to destroy our conventions, we will very quickly be in a position where we won't have conventions. Conventions by and large are staffed by volunteers and the volunteers are not stepping up to babysit drunk and high disorderly and sometimes violent guests. They want to have fun too - even if some of their fun is from helping a successful event take place. Let us do our part to help ensure that this next year isn't our last year of the fandom as we know it.

Due to the changes in advertising and my expectation that things will only get worse, I am letting you know here where to find me. I have no plans to delete anything here, but if you expect to get a response from me in the future, please be sure to find me at other online venues.

I may also be found here:
https://twitter.com/baphnedia
https://www.weasyl.com/~baphnedia
http://louislamp.bandcamp.com/
http://www.facebook.com/louislampmusic

Well, at least I can type. So, my body and I are having a bit of an argument, and my body is winning.

My elbows aren't tolerating a lot of use, and went to the hospital with arm pain, to be diagnosed with... arm pain. The doctor was more helpful than that - before the diagnosis he made sure nothing serious was going on (like a cyst, infection, heart attack, or such). So, unexciting diagnosis is a good diagnosis. Because the level of triage I needed was below that of a skinned knee, I was at the emergency room for 6 hours.

Right now I can barely heft a large glass of water; and I seem to have about 90 minutes of activity where I can actively do stuff with my elbows. It's so limiting, and even after 90 minutes its quite painful. So, I'll be following the doctor's orders to be doing even less. Bleh, his advice goes against what keeps me going - but I will be changing what I do to live in less pain. My elbows are interrupting my ability to pull weeds, do the lawn, wrestle whales (on land or in the pool) play violin and exercise. I'd be really lucky to find a job that I could do well with this new limitation - even typing (to a smaller degree) aggravates the elbows and keeps them from settling down from a flare-up as quickly.

Going from bad to good:

- Received a traffic ticket by mail; I made a right turn at a red light (apparently that's illegal in WA), for a little over $100. Glad I'm not in Seattle now, otherwise this financial setback would be more of an emergency. Still sucks though.
- Accidentally spent a little bit too much time in the sun and burnt the crap out of my back (while troubleshooting pool components; otherwise I was rather good at taking breaks to not turn into a lobster).
- Lost sight of my phone for most of the day, imagine, a black phone sitting on a black surface. X.x
- Am not currently at a convention due to money.
- I thought about what I could do this weekend that would help me the most, and that train of thought got me to the point of getting the pool set up. Only two things to fix: setting the timer on the pump and filter and fixing two small leaks on either end of a hose with petroleum jelly. If that doesn't work I'll get new seals. Had to get some parts, but spent less than $30 on those parts to get things running (which for a pool is a miracle).
- (EDIT): Perhaps best of all, this feels like the first, non-crisis-like journal I've posted in a couple of years (even if I have posted others).

It took three calls, but I figured that I best give an update. Hell if I know how many calls in total and how many days it took; it should NEVER be this difficult. No points for the rest of my biological family. They can collectively squat on a halberd and pike off.

He had trouble following conversation a little bit; today wasn't one of his better days. But, I got to speak with him for a bit. To his credit, he was more coherent than I am when I get a new inflatable toy. ^^

So, my dad had a second failed heart surgery, and I was unable to reach him then, and left a message for him at the nursing station. He was relocated to a rehabilitation facility nearby and I feel like I was the last to know of the move. Called to wish him a good Memorial Day (yup, he's a veteran), best I could do is leave a message at the nurses' station again. I attended Furlandia with the knowledge that he was in a rehab clinic; not the cardiac unit or ICU which would have prompted me to see him.

Every time I've called the rehab unit, I've been unable to reach him. Yesterday, I learned he is no longer there, and the staff; due to HIPAA requirements, cannot tell me if he was ever a patient there. Or what happened to him. If they discharged him (as they have in the past), he could be dead at home in a few days (this almost happened last year). Last year, the discharge happened and my father was found nearly dead four days later in his apartment.

Anyhow, my sister was in regular contact with both the clinic and I. Now she's dropped out of contact too; at this point I don't know if my dad is alive, dead, at home, in long-term care, or back at the hospital. Or abducted by aliens. While I had a trip planned for next month, I'm unsure if I should wait that long. There are some very important other things to do on this trip (including returning to NASA for a bit and visiting a couple in Los Angeles).

At this point I feel like a mushroom. Being kept in the dark. Here's hoping that my sister or the clinic calls soon. One thought that crossed my mind is that my ties to my biological family are done and over with.

So I'm planning a little something after the fursuit parade by bringing out the pooltoys and watching the parade from the water. I want to fill the pool at RF with toys after the parade and wonder who else would be able to join in making this a reality? If you plan to be bringing toys, what would you bring? :)

*makes numerous squeaking noises and bouncing off walls and still hasn't really started packing yet*
Must to do all the things!
*bounces off of more walls and totally isn't loaded up on sugar*

Granted 'tomorrow' for me starts in 8 minutes. Yay. Off to do my favorite activity. Here's hoping that I don't stay there longer than I'd like. Sometimes I wish...

...that I didn't have a work history of 8 or so employers in these latest 5 years (not counting myself)...
...that time online conferred the same benefits as time spent offline...
...that I could still be there for anyone, in spite of it all.

Weird thoughts when I should be trying to get some sleep. X.x

So in the next 3 days, I have 2 concerts and a recording session. Recording starts in a couple hours, and I'm just relaxing ahead of that time. Fri and Sat I'm playing concerts and beginning to work on travel plans, heading to other parts of the country in the summer to bring music and maybe some squeaks into the lives of others.

I might be able to livestream the concerts, but I'm not holding my breath, because I also want all available seating to go to patrons - and this winebar is a cozy one. If not that, those who helped me visit my dad at the end of last year, to you I can say that I am feeling more confident on the violin again and can play either via streaming (Livestream/Furstream or Skype), since most of you aren't local. *squeaks*

First up, concerts!
For those who helped make it possible for me to see my dad and help him in a time of need last year, I have successfully livestreamed once from my laptop. Now it's a matter of time till I get practiced enough to start playing those concerts I spoke of.

In the meantime, I am appearing as a guest in Baker City, OR on March 27th and 28th playing at Earth and Vine, 2001 Washington Ave, Baker City, OR 97814 at 7pm both nights. No cover, casual dress. :) They are a wine bar. ^^

- - -

On IMVU: FurAffinity is going through many growing pains (and is probably a growing pain in the arse for some!). A vocal minority has likely turned running the site into almost a nightmare and the costs of running ANY site that bears most of the community will likely get driven to go commercial, or out of necessity go for-profit themselves. Just to not succeed themselves into failure. This doesn't mean that FA has failed completely, but I am on the fence about so much right now. There are many good options; I am expecting to see similar happen to Weasyl and/or to other sites in the coming years for two reasons:
1) Unless the owner of a site is ridiculously wealthy or has a personal datacenter, if we all more or less convene on one site - it's going to cost more than we're willing to pay.
2) We create content and I think we are a pretty good group, as groups go. Facebook (which is as old as FA) showed the world how much people and their friends are worth to advertisers. I am surprised that something like this did not happen sooner. They asked for money, got DDOS'd many times and new memes started instead.

After what happened at an event I ran in February, I almost quit being a furry completely and shutter my own events because of what I collectively call 'lessons learned from premeditated stupidity'. The only time I hear about Weasyl is when something happens on FA. Much like the only time I heard of Dreamwidth was when Livejournal did something stupid. Or illegal. Or screw over its users by doing something stupid and illegal. I joined Dreamwidth and then never posted. Chances are I'll establish alternative accounts elsewhere, but every time I move sites I am less and less likely to connect or to use those sites.

Before Livejournal, I used to be on Journalspace (which... well... http://techcrunch.com/2009/01/03/jo.....ny-deadpooled/ ...is dead and gone. Anyway, if you're here reading this, may I convey that I'm tired and have other things to do than to move my accounts.

So, five years ago I was medically retired from the Army. Halfway through my career there, every attempt to start a new career has fallen on its face. In 60 months, I've managed to have a job for 20 of them - all of them more or less bottom-rung positions. The latest 9 months (my new personal record) technically was three different jobs on paper, even though in one case it was where I was a temp who was hired on permanently.

With that said, I am struggling to figure out what I can do, who I am, and many of these things. The Pool Party is a very fun aside, but I treat that as more of an expense than as a job. There's the violin; and a million other violinists out there who are more skilled, talented and who seem to have better connections (or at least better opportunities) than I. That, and I still get overcome by terrible feelings when I play the violin. A part of it was not living a life of chance and going for a steady paycheck (by joining the Army), and I think part of it is another form of regret associated with being whored out as a kid.

Feelings of jealousy, sadness and anger war with the rational notions of acceptance, egalitarianism and fairness (not equality). I came from a poor family - mind you, a family that once had a lot of wealth (to include castles). Moving up from very low economic brackets to where I am now is a huge step in and of itself. Should I want more? Should I stop now?

I'm feeling a little lost; perhaps because I can't keep or hold on to a job properly anymore and haven't been for half a decade. Every time this happens I remind myself how disabled I am. Friends remind me how disabled I am. The Department of Veterans Affairs reminds me how disabled I am. Everyone around me seems to tell me what I am and how I need to think of myself.

Least of all I need myself remind me about my limitations. X.x

So... a series of updates...

(1) The Pool Party took place, I think looking back I can think of it as a fun weekend. At least it was very busy. Not going to go into details here, but, whee.
(2) My job is no more, thanks in part to this past weekend.
(3) Another sea dragon is out for repair.
(4) Figured out a rudimentary budget for The Pool Party, while I'm unsure exactly what April will look like, I will be able to at least do something that month.
(5) Now that I have free time, I think I'm beginning to do a little healthier than I was before.

So... life is an adventure, and I'm having a lot of fun right now. Here's a quick bullet list of what's happening...

- Still working on things for organizing The Pool Party. This time, with help! :D
- Starting to give violin lessons. I ask for $20/hr. Also, I don't have a lot of free time to give them. I have one student who starts soon. :)
- Writing news summaries for someone who needed a few good writers. ^^
- Getting 1-3 envelopes per day regarding bankrupcty-related 'build your credit now with us!) crap. :/
- Playing in Eaite's Pathfinder game (and I host the game site).
- Writing a world and RPG system for a large group of players who's current system and setting are both too nebulous for words.
- Playing a helluva lot of Vega Conflict (because explosions are FUN!)
- Falling behind on chores at the house.
- Working 40hrs/wk somehow.
- Wanting to ride inflatables all the time.
- Needing to play the violin more, and play for those who helped me visit my dad in late 2014. My love to all who helped make that trip possible.

Eventually I'm gonna curl up and just want to take a break. :D

This may be somewhat of a much needed update on things going on. Later today, I sign a lot of paperwork; I don't know what the consequences of my bankruptcy will be yet, but I'll learn more tomorrow. Right now I'm unsure of so many things; going to try to get a few hours of rest.

I survived the holidays. Right now that's about all I can say. :) Hope you are doing well. *squeaks and hugs*

I wish I was done writing these updates. I'd like to get back to Politics as Unusual with The Pool Party. It would be a welcome distraction. Good news is that I'm back at work and am doing largely OK on the outside. The things affecting me on the inside though...

My dad managed to get himself disqualified from receiving care through Medicaid (I don't know how) and was discharged back to his apartment in Gila Bend. He apparently forgot that he almost died the last time he was at home. At this point, he is beyond my help, and sadly I don't have a lot of time I can give him right now. "But Baph, he's your dad!" Yes. He is also an adult who hasn't been declared incompetent (legally) and as such there is literally nothing else I can do right now. Some silver lining is that I brought up the missing package with my gifts for him to his neighbors; they found the box at another neighbor's place within a day. So, my dad received the gifts I sent him back in mid November.

Had a follow up with the doctor about my numerous ER visits. I am doing better; back when I was indecisive on how to handle so many sources of stress (money, dad, stress from work, etc), I suffered greatly and lost a lot of work time to recovery. Things are better now, but I'm very busy with the next thing I'm going to talk about.

I'm bankrupt. Some things really did not work out for me this year. I started the process, and while most of my life is an open book, because this is a court matter, I'm going to not share details here, in this manner as to why. No, The Pool Party didn't make off with my wallet and free ten thousand toys from their boxes. ^^

Hope you are doing better!

Your friend,
Louie

This week, I spent more time in the ER than I did at work. The week started with a bit of a bleeding-from-my-butt problem; when that was addressed and solved, I got all stopped up, and went back to the ER. X-rays found that instead of being full of air (as inflatable dragons should be!), I was instead full of shit.

Yesterday, I lost 10 pounds in about 3 hours. This is one of the less pleasant ways of losing weight, and I considered getting a job in politics if I was going to have so much crap inside me. But, that issue is solved now, too. :)

So, I am in relatively good health now, and I'm doing my utmost to catch up on life, paying bills and furthering all sorts of projects. Right now working on some hotel-related stuff for The Pool Party, and getting some rest, and preparing for D&D on Sunday. :)

I am so happy right now I'm throwing smilies everywhere; getting my car in the shop in a few hours as well, hopefully will spend less than $800 on repairs. Anyway, have a good night; I know some folks were worried (and rightly so) about my multiple ER visits this week. I hope others don't have to go through the same pains I have recently. So much more to write, but I'll do so on another day.

*squeaks!*

For those who need to go back to the other posts; here are the links:
Emergency: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/6268956/
Update 1: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/6276577/
Update 2: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/6283451/

I am back home from my trip to Arizona. Thank you to those who helped me financially; without you I wouldn't have made the trip (I very well could have gotten stranded). Thank you to those who helped spread the word. Without you, I am highly certain that I wouldn't have gotten the badly needed financial support; I may have not made the trip otherwise, and have a lifetime to regret not doing it. Thank you to those who helped me emotionally. I dumped a lot of things on some friends (if you weren't included, don't worry, if you'd like me to take an emotional dump on you, just ask!). A co-worker of mine said that this was Hollywood-level drama that I was dealing with. Well, if it came with an acting career, that would be great. As it is, I have my day job. Today was my first (almost complete) day back at work.

Continuing on from Update 2...

The week before I left, I learned that my dad's utilities were turned off, and left work early to get back on the phones to try to get him some electrical and water services back on. After my sister and I could not pay those bills for him (because our names are not on his accounts), we both spoke with him and the social worker in charge of his discharge how important it was that he pay his utility bills and get services turned back on immediately. It was as much as we could do. It wasn't enough.

Against our wishes, our dad was discharged the Friday before I left back to his apartment. No power was on. There was no water. Our dad's cell phone had no charge on it (calls went directly to voicemail). I called my sister and asked her if she had reached dad. She let me know that she couldn't, and on Saturday she and I decided to call Dad's landlord to do a check on him. I left a voicemail with the landlord, and my sister told me that she called him too (I didn't catch the distinction that she also left a message - I thought she spoke with the landlord). With that misunderstanding, I relaxed for the weekend, and worked on preparations to go, including getting a house-sitter (whom I also need to thank graciously). Eaite, I didn't have to worry about my home while I was gone and with everything else going on that week, you did a splendid job.

During the weekend (or week prior, my memory is foggy; oh! there's a fog machine inflating me!)... I sent Dad gifts; my music collection (200+ CDs I hadn't used in years - Dad still uses CDs), some books that are dear to me and Contact Caffeine shaving soap. I couldn't afford to add signature verification, so just sent it FeDex. The package was stolen from his porch at the front door to his apartment. Whomever took the gifts I gave my dad; I hope you burn. You will probably never get caught, but I wish you ill. I can't just buy those gifts again and give them to Dad now. Some of those CDs have been out of print since the 1990's.

The weekend passed, Monday, Eaite gave me a ride to the airport. Due to weather, flights were significantly delayed, and I wound up arriving at my hotel room around 4:30am Tuesday morning. My sister called me and let me know that Dad was back in the hospital. The landlord checked his voicemail on Monday, and checked on Dad in the afternoon (while I was enroute). Dad was found on the floor, piss and shit everywhere, and almost dead of dehydration and starvation. Dad laid down Friday night and couldn't get back up. I wanted to die. I even spoke with Bigphin and a couple others about whether to do a 911 call for a welfare check. The earlier misunderstanding I had with my sister (that I realized at this point was a misunderstanding) almost cost us our dad's life.

Tuesday after resting I also began to feel very sick. I don't know how much of it was crud from traveling (con crud without the convention part). Tues-Thur my days were spent again making tons of calls. The hospital was going to discharge Dad on Black Friday, the day I was set to fly back home. I had a freak-out. Alone, in Gila Bend, 60 miles away from the hospital our dad was at. From his landlord, I got a key for his apartment, and for three days tried to get Dad's essentials to him at the hospital; wallet, keys, glasses, applications for long-term care at places he said he was interested in... etc. On Thanksgiving, I called my sister while she was having Turkey Day Dinner; I couldn't find Dad's wallet.

The long term care facilities needed to verify Dad's accounts were empty in order to qualify him for Medicaid (you have to have less than $2,000 in your name for the state to pay for you; otherwise see the first post about the average costs of long-term care). Without his wallet, and without ID, I was empty-handed. My sister reported the wallet missing; we think the wallet went missing sometime between September and Thanksgiving; and whomever has it did clean out his accounts. When the financial background check-thing was run by the state, Dad was found to have no financial assets. His accounts were cleaned out. Whomever did this; thank you. You cleared the way for my dad to not get given a death-sentence by the medical system and discharged to his house. However, what you did is still wrong and I hope you get caught. Stealing money off someone's Social Security debit card thing, and his other accounts was very wrong. I don't have the energy left to pursue you. So, go get caught and rot in a jail cell. Real quick-like now.

During all of this, I was able to spend some more time with my dad; spoke to him about Power of Attorney and other matters as well as personal matters (between me, him and fence-posts). I love him, I will always love him. Since the trip, the way I think about him is in many ways as if he'd already passed on. I find this surreal, but I also find that I am much prouder of him now than I ever was. He never bragged about his accomplishments; he quietly did numerous things that I consider great.

On Black Friday, Dad was discharged and sent to a long term care facility (who took him in even if it might be months before Medicaid kicks in). I flew home. Was visited by a few folks; some who teased me with inflatables but I was too exhausted and at the end of my rope to partake in playing with inflatables with others.

Sunday night, after a joyous D&D game run by Eaite, I went to the ER. I was feeling really unwell, and was rushed to the acute treatment area. I'll speak more on that in another post; this one is long enough as it is. This wasn't my first Thanksgiving alone, but it was my first Thanksgiving where a few friends on Twitter were there for me, despite me being far away from anyone (I was so sick I was afraid of getting my dad sick with cold or flu or whatever I had and that could be the end of him).

I found God. That Japanese-Ninja-Jesus-Allegory-in-an-orange-jumpsuit-named-Naruto. I've been very distant, because I'm letting the show dictate my emotions rather than give my subconscious dictate emotions by itself (because I am not well emotionally either, perhaps dangerously so); this is a way of me putting distance between my shredded soul and my dad's adventures in medical care. This post is the beginning of me reintegrating with the world. Thank you all for being there for me.

You are all dear to me.

Sincerely,
Baphnedia

Original post: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/6268956/
Update 1: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/6276577/

A lot has happened since the last update (which is probably going to be pretty standard). Turning verbose mode off though.

1 My dad sees my sister (and I?) as a threat to his independence. Mainly because we have pressed him over things like a will, power of attorney, and other such things. As such he doesn't want to see either of us. (this was as of yesterday).
2 Today, my dad wants to see me. With the money so far donated, I was able to buy plane tickets. I will have to be very careful during my trip, to make sure I don't run out of money. Even if my dad changes his mind again, it will give me closure - even if that closure happens to be a door in my face. Hoping that its not.
3 On money, I'm still looking for about $1500, a place to stay in Phoenix (assuming that I'm not paying for a hotel room in Gila Bend). The next big expense for me will be a rental car since my dad lives in a somewhat remote place.
4 I figured out some things in my dad's life that he started to express only after having six strokes. The seventh stroke took out half of his prefrontal cortex. I wrote a letter to someone else who may have been greatly involved in the same situation. While I'm not ready to share his story; I am trying to gather more information so that the story is more based on what happened and less based on conjecture as I look back on a lifetime of knowing my father and what I understand of what happened to him long before I was born.
5 I finally understand why my dad has done so many things, and why I am conditioned in some ways myself. I don't know if my long cry last night was to shed tears for him, for me, or both of us.

My heart goes out to all who have helped with advice, gifts and signal boosts. Would if I could have this situation resolved in 22 minutes like what happens on our favorite TV shows. :(

This is the first update on my emergency situation, originally detailed here: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/6268956/

Progress made & updates:
1) I was able to get my dad's extra insurance information to him, finally. It is up to him to get the insurance effective date moved up if he so chooses.
2) Given that he's still being discharged Friday, the hospital is seeing to his transportation back home.
3) My father knows that if he changes his mind to make sure he goes to the VA Hospital with his medical records in-hand.
4) I've given the fire district an update on my dad's health (they've picked him up twice this year already), so that if anyone calls 911, they'll have a better understanding of what's going on at the scene.
5) It was a heady day in which I tried to get a lot of rest, especially after speaking with my dad at length.

What's going on now:
I was a little incorrect about my dad's situation, he isn't bleeding from his heart; rather he has leaks in his femoral artery. This I learned on Monday. I also learned from my dad in no uncertain terms that he is the one taking charge of his discharge; not the medical facility.

In other words, he's sick of being in a hospital environment. He was hospitalized for internal bleeding that started mid-September and wants to be done. So, he's still leaving the hospital on Friday. He's still going home to a very isolated environment. I conclude that his quality of life has sunk below what he is willing to accept and I respect and may someday accept his decision to be done with life.

My thoughts are two-fold on the matter. When I'm 2.5 times my current age and my body is falling apart (hopefully my consciousness can be transferred into a squeaky dragon thing by then); I may want to die. I may not wish to place a huge monetary burden on my children, whatever species they choose to be. My father was of clear mind when we spoke and has been consistent in his refusal to go with surgery to repair his artery; he is making his desires clear.

With that in mind I feel kinda worthless, and that my efforts of the past several days went to waste for the most part. I thought I was trying to save the life of a family member from a barbaric medical system; not hinder the efforts of my father to go quietly and with some measure of personal dignity. My dad's destiny is in his own hands, and I'm not looking forward to any disagreement my sister and I may have (because we disagree completely; she will probably vie for guardianship or some stupid stuff). x.x

Money, priorities and plans:
1) Find out if Dad wants to see my sister or I. If he wants to see me, I will go; but it will be a short trip as I have $466 to put towards the trip. I can't afford to stay long, and I don't know that I could bear staying long.
1) Send my Dad some gifts (he likes music, and I haven't used my CD collection in 4-5 years). He also is in love with Contact Caffeine soap and uses it for shaving, so I'm going to send him another bar or two of flavors he likes. Christmas, birthday, etc; I'm also looking for anything else to send someone at the end of their life.
2) Move from planning on how to save his life to planning how to celebrate his life. Any celebrations that I do will be within my own budget. My dad seems to have had an amazing ability to not keep friends; I even feel rather distant from him right now too (that may have to do with most of the work I've done this weekend being effectively thrown out by his actions). One of my personal plans is to share his story. I'm not sure where or how I will share his story at this time, but I want to put a space together to keep adding to it, to the best of my knowledge. My intent isn't to spend the next 9000 years documenting what he did; but I began thinking on my grandparents (my last grandparent died almost 20 years ago), and I barely remember them; and remember fewer details than I'd like. I do not want the same to happen with my parents or my sister. Fragmented families can cause some serious issues with not knowing what your own family members have accomplished.
3) Contact those who sent me money with a more specific update about the money. If you'd like to send me money I won't turn it down; I am still anticipating the costs of a trip but the nature of other costs just isn't going to be the same. My Paypal address is louis (dot) lamp (at) gmail (dot) com.
4) Take a 'me' day. Handling some small things for The Pool Party, getting my car in the shop (timing belt and some other things need replacing - I DON'T want to pay for an engine rebuild). Money for the car is separate; it's pretty much my entire latest paycheck.
5) Go back to work after I get my car back. I can't afford to miss more work.
6) Start resurrecting my Livestream "Giving Pitches Vibrato".

Thank you all so much; my crisis is nowhere near over. I might feel kinda worthless right now, or unde-rappreciated by my father. But, the weight of trying to keep him alive in spite of a flawed medical system isn't on my shoulders. He wants to finish his life, in his own way. I don't know when all the feels will hit. Until then, I'll try to stay cheery and 'unhelpful' to those who need it on Twitter (toy dragons try to help others in their own misguided way).

Given the things that changed at FA this past weekend, I will be working on addressing that in my own way sometime after my father has either passed or this immediate situation is more or less resolved. Tomorrow though I'm going to find out if my dad wants to see me and to ask if he has considered palliative care through the VA (which would be no-cost to any of us and they might make him more comfortable than he otherwise would be, at home alone). Wish me luck. :(

tl;dr: My father's medicare ran out, the facility at which he was going to continue rehabilitating was going to discharge him this coming Monday to his home 60 miles away from any sort of help while he still suffers from internal bleeding. That is a death sentence and neither my sister or I can afford to miss work to live in with our dad for even a short stay. As it is, he will be discharged in a week instead, because money runs out again but not because he's actually had surgery to fix his bleeding issues. If you would like to send a signal boost, please do; if you would like to make a contribution send it to me via Paypal at louis (dot) lamp (at) gmail (dot) com. If you can't contribute, please give a signal boost. Also, when you contribute, please choose an inflatable toy in my collection or a song you'd like me to play. WARNING: Inflatable dragons don't always make sounds that are easy to listen to.

Today is a day that I do not want to repeat ever again. I've never thought so hard about just giving up on life since I was a recruiter in the army. The rehabilitation center my dad is in sometimes calls me, and I'm in somewhat regular contact with them. So, I wasn't alarmed to get the call this morning at 7:30am or so until I was told that my dad completed rehabilitation and would be discharged on Monday. Normally, I would be elated at such news, because that means I can spend a couple thousand dollars and help dad get settled back into his apartment (like my sister and I got to do earlier this year).

Unlike last time, my dad was sent to a rehabilitation center following a major stroke he had while in a pre-op ward for heart surgery. To stop internal bleeding/leaking from valves in his heart. He was originally hospitalized in September because blood pooling in his legs caused massive swelling and septic infections in his legs. At this time, his heart is still leaking blood into his body and the blood still has to get removed or sepsis will set in again.

Not to mention, Medicare appears to not cover 100% of the costs. They cover 80%; so 20% of all the medical bills from both of his hospital stays this year (Jan-Mar and Sep-Nov/Dec) means that he has mounting medical bills and no ability to pay them. While his kids (my sister and I) aren't responsible for paying for those, that these bills will go unpaid may impact the willingness of facilities to give him a bed space. I don't know, and most of my thoughts surrounding this scenario are very dark.

What my sister and I did today:
- Got him some supplemental insurance (which doesn't go into effect immediately - going to try to get that changed).
- Got a 4-day extension for his stay (mainly because we blindsided his cardiologist with the news he was being discharged because his 'rehabilitation' was complete. The cardiologist I think set off a small nuclear bomb of anger in the rehab clinic.
- I missed work to be on the phone from 7:30am to 6pm or so, and it's midnight now and I'm still doing tasks related to this situation (like writing this post).

What still needs to be done:
Actually get my dad to do a last will and testament, financial power of attorney, medical power of attorney, letter of instruction, living will, HIPAA form. He (and any parent) can be extremely stubborn but this needs to get done (my sister and I have tried before, this time we will succeed).
Travel to Arizona upon my father's discharge to help him resettle, and handle in person what I could not manage over the phone from a distance. He lives in a place so remote that in WWII we had a concentration camp for the Japanese near there.
Get my father into a nursing home / assisted care facility; hopefully in the Pacific NW or worst case, in Arizona if that's where he'd prefer to be.
Somehow not fall behind my own bills in all of this (between wages not being earned by not being at work and physically being away from home; MOST of my bills are automatic, but not all).

What I need the money for by priority.
1) Cover the trip down there to help him resettle. $2k estimated.
2) Get documents done for my father; these six documents could range from $100-$250 each or be thousands of dollars depending on how able he is to represent himself until they're done. $1500 estimated.
3) Cobble some money together to cover in home care expenses until supplemental insurance takes effect. Estimating $21/hr, 24hrs/day, for ~14 days. Estimate: $7,056. This won't be needed if I can get his insurance to go into effect immediately (which I will try on Monday). Otherwise, he'll go two weeks without anyone who can prevent blood from pooling in his body.
4) Get money together to help a down payment on his care at a nursing home up-front to help him get a bed faster. Once he has a bed and several months of money to pay for it, there will be time to get him transferred to Medicaid. If we don't pay for a bed up front, it could take many months or some years to find him bed space. The average cost of a bed is $248/day in the United States with the average stay of folks my dad's age being 846 days. That adds up to $209,808. I highly doubt I'll be able to get anything close to that; $7,440/mo is what the average cost works out to (30 day months), and several of those might be enough. There are too many unknowns on this item for me to even attempt an estimate. I'm going to say between $21k and $84k (3 months and 12 months) of care. Plus, various forms of insurance (which are no longer available by and large since he's in a medical predicament), and Medicaid can help reduce this cost, it is not the end of the world if I don't have all this cash in hand, but it could help a lot. :(

Out of personal funds, I still need to get my car repaired so that it doesn't die prematurely on me. That and being prepared to make another trip to handle end-of-life things when the time comes. Neither parent has life insurance or any other forms of insurance, so funeral, burial and transportation of belongings fall solely on my sister and I.

I am working on something I can do for those who contribute. When you contribute, name a song that you'd like me to play or an inflatable that you'd like me to play while sitting on. I will resurrect my Livestream channel and play music badly while on inflatables through my laptop if I have to. I reserve the right to ask you to choose a different song or a different toy if a need to do so arises. I won't be able to start doing these until I'm back in Oregon and in some semblance of privacy.

My paypal address is louis (dot) lamp (at) gmail (dot) com. Any size of contribution is welcome; if you cannot contribute, please give me a signal boost. :(