...might as well crunch some numbers. *CRUNCH* There.

Date: Weight: BMI: Bodyfat: Muscle: Visceral:

27-12-13 103.1 23.8 28.5% 32.6% 7%
31-01-14 101.1 23.4 27.6% 33.1% 7%
25-02-14 101.9 23.3 26.9% 33.5% 6%

It's going slow, but steady. I love it!

I had planned to go to Belgium for the weekend, to visit a friend I hadn't seen in 5 years, but at the last moment I hear his work gave him an assignment for the weekend.

Got everything packed, the pets got shelter, I was ready to go.

First weekend over the border in almost 2 years. Busted. Fuck.

Wow, so this evening I heard the elevator alarm go off. First just a little tap, maybe a drunk person mistaking the button. Hey, it happens, right? Five seonds later it goes off for four seconds. Oh great, there's people stuck in the elevator! Two hours before all hell will break loose! Nice going people, it says "Four people only" on the inside. And you're with 5 and a lot of groceries.

So, 45 minutes later they're unstuck, great. They inadvertedly break the neighbors ornament and leave. I hear them outside and see them walk to the disabled elevator. And wait. And wait.

[rant]
Oh for the love of God! You break an elevator, break the neighbors ornament, you're waiting for an elevator that has been shut off for quite some time and you're NOT being able to open a door to see if there's a stairwell behind it! Jesus guys, it doesn't take a Ph.D to LOOK to see if there's a stairwell in a building! Do you guys rely on your mothers to wipe your asses for you as well????
[/rant]

Wow, talk about a year that changed a lot for me!

Finding out I have a mild form of autism was an eye-openener for me, knowing how to live with it (instead of trying to avoid it all together) wasn't that easy.

Started going to the gym and going on a diet (no pizza's, microwave meals and the last 3 months no more french fries) resulted in me losing 24 kilos (53 pounds... damnit my belt needs more holes, my pants keep dropping) and building more musclemass (noticable biceps, never had those).

Found a job which is pretty much paying jack (it's volunteered), but at least I'm working and doing something useful again (and get sick in the process, two common colds so far... it's almost like concrud).

So yeah, all in all a lot of positive things!

Well this is awkward. I have been standing on the scales again friday and my weightloss is... ZERO! The only differences are that musclemass has gone UP while bodyfat has gone DOWN. Visceral fat has gone down as well.

So here I am:

Weight: 104.7
BMI: 24,2
Bodyfat: 28,2%
Musclemass: 32,8%
Visceral fat: 7%

So now I have to lower my fat percentages. New goal acquired!

In the US you have the right to bear arms. What if that was the other way around? Imagine a grizzlybear with an M240. He can enlist in the army no problem! Just throw some battle fatigues on him, they won't see the difference!

The only things they should notice is the grunts and growls being a bit louder and the Humvee's leaning more to one side because of the weight increase. And the only way they could tell they ran over a roadside bomb is when the vehicle actually becomes level. Or does a barrel roll.

Yep, I've landed a job. It a volunteer job, it pays me a fee of €1.40 per hour, but it keeps me from falling apart from boredom. It's at a store that sells recycled goods and I might, in the future, drive their truck.

So I got on the scale again yesterday and it gave me some happy news! My goal for this year was to lose 20 kilo's (44 pounds). I've lost 21.8 kilo's (48 pounds)!

I'm down to 105.9 kilo's (233.5 pounds)!

Fat percentage is 29.5 and muscle percentage is 32.1. Visceral fat is still 8%.

Copied from  rabbi-tom 's journal

1: Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?

Never smoked to start with

2: Are you single/taken/heartbroken/confused?

Confused.

3: What if I told you that you were pretty?

I'd be flattered!

4: Ever been told “it’s not you, it’s me”?

Yup.

5: Are you interested in anyone right now?

Yep

6: What are you looking forward to in the next week?

Pfff, going to the gym probably.

7: Do you want to be single?

NO!!

8: Did you go out or stay in last night?

Going out, what's that?

9: How late did you stay up last night?

1:00 A.M.

10: Can you recall the last time you realized you liked someone a lot?

Not too long ago actually.

11: Last three things you had to drink?

Coffee, lemonade and tea.

12: Have you ever pretended to like someone?

No.

13: Have you ever told somebody you loved them and not actually meant it?

No.

14: Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past 3 months?

Ehh, maybe the neighbours on the other side of the street if their eyes are good.

15: Is it hard for you to get over someone?

Yeah, it might take me a while, but it depends on how deep the relationship was.

16: Think back five months ago, were you single?

No, just confused.

17: What were you doing at 12:30 this afternoon?

Having lunch, reading  rabbi-tom 's journal

18: Hold hands with anyone this week?

No.

19: Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol?

Fuck no.

20: What would you name your future daughter?

Won't happen, don't want kids.

21: Do you miss anyone?

My parents and my grandfather.

22: Have you kissed three or more people in one night?

Nope.

23: Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed?

No.

24: Are you good at hiding your feelings?

No, not really.

25: Have you ever cried from being so mad?

I have.

26: Who did you last see in person?

The woman who was with me trying to help me get a better future...

27: Are you listening to music right now?

Yes.

28: What is something you currently want right now?

A job please!

29: What is the last thing you said out loud?

See ya!

30: How is your heart lately?

My heart is doing alright.

31: Do you wear the hood on your hoodie?

Never wear hoodies.

32: Are you wearing socks?

Yes.

33: What do people call you?

Ben

34: Will you talk to the person you like tonight?

Hopefully

35: Are there any stressful situations in your life?

I still hope I will get a job, though the economy is shitty.

36: Who did you last share a bed with?

A friend at Eurofurence 15.

37: Did you do something bad today?

No.

38: When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you?

Oh jesus, what's it, four years?

39: Do you get stressed out easily?

Yes.

40: Will you sing today?

Possible, if I hear a song that I know.

41: Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn’t?

All the damn time!

42: Who do you go to when you need to talk to someone?

Probably someone on Second Life, got a lot of friends there that know a bit more about life than I do.

43: Have you ever been taken to the emergency room in an ambulance?

Yep. When I was young I got hit by a car and at Eurofurence 14 I got carted off because of an accute bronchitis with an added panic attack. Damn costly!

44: What are you listening to right now?

 Coyote_Snack 's Dirt Devil Mix

45: What is wrong with you right now?

Autism.

46: What is on your wrists right now?

Nothing.

47: Where did you get the shirt/sweatshirt you’re wearing?

A market somewhere.

48: What do you like better: Hot Chocolate or hard cider?

Hot Chocolate

49: Do you make wishes at 11:11?

Say again?

50: Are you a good artist?

I can't draw to save my life...

51: Love really is a beautiful thing huh?

I guess... would be nice to get some.

52: Do you miss the way things were six months ago?

Absolutely not. I've lost a lot of weight and gained a lot of knowledge.

53: Ever been on a golf cart?

No.

54: Do you have trust issues?

Yes, I need to know someone a bit before trusting them. Or know they're an expert on the situation.

55: Ever stayed up all night on the phone, with who?

I used to have lenghty phonecalls with my first girlfriend, driving my father mad with the phonebills...

56: Do you own something from Hot Topic?

They don't have that here.

57: Do you use chap stick?

No.

58: Have you ever slapped someone in the face?

No.

59: Do you have a little sister?

No.

60: Have you ever been to New York?

No.

61: Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?

Yes.

62: Have you hugged someone within the last week?

No.

63: What were you doing at midnight last night?

Trying to fall asleep.

64: Have you ever regretted kissing someone?

No.

65: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?

A handful of very accepting people.

66: Were your last three kisses from the same person?

I believe so yes.

67: Have you kissed anyone in the last five days?

No.

68: Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone?

Sleeping alone SUCKS!

69: Will next Friday be a good one?

Hopefully.

Yay for numbers!

A little update again. I now weigh in at 112,9 kilos or 249 pounds compared to 116.9 kilos or 258 pounds and I have 34,9% bodyfat compared to 35% last time.

Muscle percentage has remained the same and visceral fat dropped to 10%.

So so far I've lost 14,8 kilos or roughly 33 pounds. That's 3 large bags of potatoes that I don't drag around anymore.

... so buckle up.

Yesterday a little furry critter told me a story that surprised me. Apparently I've become a nuisance to someone on Second Life. Now that's nothing new. Whatever you do or say on Second Life, someone can and will be offended by it. But that's not the point.

The point is, that that person never told me I was being annoying. I had to hear it from someone else. And that sucks.

You see, it's not that hard to send me a privat message with the words "I'd like to have a word with you." then ask me to stop whatever I'm doing that annoys you. I'll probably have to ask you whatever you find annoying, I'll make a note of that and try to avoid that around you. There, it ain't rocket science!

The fact is, that if you complain to others about me but don't tell me about your problem with me, you're not doing it right. I speak three languages: Dutch, German and English. I can't read minds though. And I'm not that good at "taking a subtile hint". If you want to talk, talk. Just don't go roaring to others about me.

End of venting, continue as before...

Yay for numbers!

A little update again. I now weigh in at 116.9 kilos or 258 pounds compared to 118,4 kilos or 261 pounds and I have 35% bodyfat compared to 36,8% last time.

Musclespercentage has gone up from 28,2% to 29,2% and visceral fat remained the same at 11%.

I've passed the halfway limit for my total weightloss, my goal is losing 20 kilos or 44 pounds.

Numbers. Everybody like numbers, right? Well, here goes!

When I began working out at the 28th of january, I weighed 127,7 kilos (281.5 lbs). Today, the 4th of april, I'm weighing 121,2 kilos (267.2 lbs). That's 6,5 kilos (14.3 lbs) in two months and one week.

Fat percentages then and now: 39,5% vs. 36,1.

Muscle percentages then and now: 26,7% vs. 28,7%.

I think I'm not doing too bad here!

Today I learned som new things about myself and my disorder. Almost everything that happens around me comes back to autism.

My uneasyness with crowds: autism. Problems with planning: autism. Lack of social behavior... well you get the idea.

The only good thing that I learned about today is that there are courses in the not too distant future that will help me deal with this so at least my future would look a little bit brighter.

I also ask my specialist to reduce the 9-page essay the Amsterdam section gave me to something more readable for any future jobs.

I guess I have opened up my very own cesspool with this. It goes deeper than I thought and it sure STINKS.

Click the link and thou shallt find out! http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/4384610/

Taken from  rattie-cookie

1. Are you single or taken?
Taken.

2. Chocolate or flowers?
Chocolate (flowers die too quickly).

3. Will you do anything special for Valentines Day?
Nope.

4. Do you like anyone?
Yes.

5. Were you dating anyone last Valentines?
Yes.

6. Who do you want to spend Valentines with?
The one I love.

7. Do you make a big deal about Valentines?
No.

8. Have you ever had a secret admirer?
No.

9. Would you ever write someone a love letter?
Yes.

10. Do you believe in Cupid?
Gheh, no.

11. Do your parents give you presents on valentines day?
They're not longer amongst the living.

12. Do you still send out Valentine cards?
No.

13. Do you like candy hearts?
They are way too sweet. And bad for my diet.

14. What is something you got last Valentines?
Nothing.

15. Is Valentines depressing?
It can be.

16. How is your love life?
Two-way.

17. Have you ever been dumped on Valentines?
Thankfully no.

18. How many roses would you want to receive?
Roses. They prick and they tend do die pretty soon. No roses please.

19. Will you have a girlfriend/boyfriend this Valentines day?
I have a relationship.

20. Do you look forward to Valentines day?
Meh.

21. Who was your last Valentine from?
My current relationship.

22. Who do you expect to get a Valentine from this year?
Nobody.

23. Who would you most like to receive a Valentine from?
No idea to be honest.

24. How many Valentines will you be sending this year?
None.

25. Have you ever not received a Valentine?
Every year.

26. What was the most Valentines you received in a single day?
Usually none.

27. Have you ever received an anonymous Valentine?
Nope.

28. Have you ever sent an anonymous Valentine?
Plenty.

29. Will you be sending an anonymous Valentine this year?
Nope. I'm true to the one I love.

30. What was the best Valentine gift you ever received?
How about.... nothing?

31. What was the worst?
See #31.

32. Have you ever started dating someone on Valentines day?
Nope.

... but there's not much I can do about it.

It's official. I have autism. You don't have to run away, you're not going to be infected. Unless you don't want my humor transferred on you. Then it's a bit late to run away.

Before New Years Eve somebody rejected me from attending a New Years Eve party because I was "incompatible with certain individuals within the group" that did get the invitation. Guess what? I'm incompatible with ALL OF YOU. Ain't that a bitch.

Does that make me loose sleep over it? Not anymore. The results of the tests explained a lot. About my past, my problems with interacting with society, problems at work. At least now I know.

I just hope that people will read this, think back of what they know of me and think "Well, that explains a lot."

That's all for now.

Stolen from  rattie-cookie

HOW OLD DO YOU ACT?

[x] You know how to make a pot of coffee.
[x] You keep track of dates using a calendar.
[] You own a credit card.
[] You know how to change the oil in a car.
[X] You've done your own laundry.
[X] You can vote in an election.
[X] You can cook for yourself.
[] You think politics are interesting

TOTAL SO FAR: 5

[] You show(ed) up for school late a lot.
[] You always carry a pen/pencil in your bag/purse/pocket.
[x] You've never gotten a detention.
[] You have forgotten your own birthday.
[] You like to take walks by yourself.
[x] You know what credibility means, without looking it up.
[x] You drink caffeine at least once a week.

TOTAL SO FAR: 8

[X] You know how to do the dishes.
[X] You can count to 10 in another language.
[x] When you say you're going to do something you USUALLY do it.
[x] You can mow the lawn.
[x] You study even when you don't have to.
[x] You have hand washed a car before.

TOTAL SO FAR: 14

[x] You can spell experience, without looking it up.
[] The people at Starbucks know you by name.
[] Your favorite kind of food is take out. (that or delivery)
[X] You can go to the store without getting something you don't need.
[] You understand political jokes the first time they are said.
[x] You can type pretty quick.

TOTAL SO FAR: 17

[] Your only friends are from your place of employment.
[] You have been to a Tupperware party.
[X] You have realized that practically no one will take you seriously unless you are over the age of 25 and have a job.
[] You have more bills than you can pay.
[x] You have been to the beach.
[x] You use the internet every day.
[x] You have been outside of your home country 3 or more times.
[] You make your bed in the morning.

TOTAL SO FAR: 22

[x] You have filed a tax return
[x] You have used a pay phone
[x] You have been served alcohol without being ID'd
[x] You have purchased stamps at the grocery store
[x] You have purchased a lottery ticket
[x] You still have and use a VCR

Total: 28

Real age: 35

28 + 35 = 63

63/2= 31.5

9 days and a bit he was with me, 9 days and a bit filled with food and bad puns. This morning I had to bring him to the station once more, as he had to go home again. My heart is filled with sorrow as I already miss him dearly.

Merry Christmas everybody! May you all stuff your tummies 'till you burst and get the presents you (n)ever wanted!

Happy holidays!

... and for once it wasn't my life.

I have a makeshift shelf in my windowsil that holds my lamp, my mirror, my glasses etc on it. In the past that thing was clamped down. I had removed that clamp for a project of sorts and the shelf remained. Gravity did what it was supposed to do. Until this morning...

Most people who know me know that I have a hard time waking up. That's why I have two alarms. One on a clock, the other is on my phone. So I had already wrangled my alarm 6 times so it was quiet, now my phone started bugging me. So I reach out to grab my phone with my eyes closed.

In hindsight not a good idea.

The shelf with the lamp came crashing down with a godawful THUD instantly making me wonder what the hell had happened. When the noise had died down I was like "Ahhhh, crap" and opened my eyes.

In my hand I had my cellphone, which was the ONLY object that didn't have a close encounter with the floor, on my arm was the arm of the lamp, which had detached itself from it's base (fortunately it's a loose fit). My alarmclock was missing its battery and there was some ointment on the floor. And ofcourse the tube I thought it came from was perfectly in one piece. Fortunately my glasses were okay as well, they had ended up under my bed. Phew.

So now everything has been put back where it belongs, the tube has been repaired with a piece of electrical tape and I'm gonna look for a clamp. One crash is bad enough.

... you hear yourself say "I don't remember buying that" 12 times.
... you hear yourself say "I wondered where that went" 14 times.
... your roll of garbagebags goes 3 times as fast as normal.
... you find clothes in your cabinets that would have fit you 10 years ago, but not anymore now.
... you wonder when your first asthma attack will come but your vacuumcleaner is doing the choking for you.
... your vacuumcleaner is begging for a break more than once while you want to continue.
... you wonder if you will find dinosaurbones somewhere under your bed.
... your building tries to get more upright every time you toss out a few full garbagebags.

Especially old mugs that happen to have to logo of a very hated company on them....! Mr. Hammer did his number on them and they ended up in a garbagebag. Byeeeeeee!

I've been cleaning here. And I had fun! Wow. And there's still so much to throw out.

There's still a long way to go. The St. Johns wort is doing what it is supposed to do. I'm slowly getting rid of stuff in my home. Now to get rid of the emotional luggage.

Today I asked my doctor for an IQ and an EQ test. I need to know what's going on in my mind and WHY I have so much troubles finding my way inside society.

I don't know what I'll find, but I've got the feeling we've overlooked something...

To be continued.

Yes, good question.

Basically, my depression is back. Slapping me around hard. I'm feeling lonely, dirty, miserable, fucked up, you name it.

I'm seeing a psychologist, I'm seeing my doctor. I've been given a medication called "St John's wort". I have NO idea what it will do or if it will work, but it's an alternative to the hardcore pills that have made my life somewhat better the past 9 years. Still no the best because the side effects create havoc as well.

And the information leaflet on the St John's wort didn't mention anything about side effects. There's just nothing there. Just that this is herbal and it brings inner peace.

My mental health has been going down rapidly. Going to the pharmacy this afternoon was hellish for me, hearing that the prescription didn't arrive at the pharmacy gave me a sinking feeling. Fortunately they still had a package on the shelves.

So today I've started to take the alternative medication. Hopefully it will bring me some inner peace, as I REALLY need that right now. My nerves sometimes feel like violinstrings.

I do notice that if I watch furry stuff my mood brightens somewhat, even though emotions do come forth now and then. My psychologist told me not to be ashamed of them and let them go.

As for work... well, my psychologist doesn't see me go to work any time soon, not with this unstable mind. So much for that idea. Sigh.