Coldness is not just produced by inside and outside temparatures, it can be created by hidden emotions as well. The past few days I've been cold, shivering beyond belief.

Today I had taken a hot water bottle to bed with me, when I was laying down. And even though the bottle was hot to the touch, I couldn't stop shivering. Only when the tears started rolling, the shivers stopped.

When I got up I felt warm again. It didn't make any sense at the time.

When I was at the therapist this afternoon I broke down. Cried my eyes out. Didn't want this life anymore. The therapist asked if I wanted to talk to the doctor about medication. As much as I hated it, I nodded. Fortunately he was in the building, gave me a new insight on life. Useful information on how to regulate my daily life.

Back in the therapists office I felt the shivers in my body. I told the therapist. She told me the shivers can be caused by emotions. Hidden deep in the mind, eager to come out.

I told her about what happened at the potential jobsite. As much as I want to work, she doesn't see me able too work. Not yet. Depression is again the word.

Tomorrow morning I have an appointment with the other doctor. I will ask for an alternative medication, preferably homeopathic. I don't want the regular stuff anymore, I'm scared to lose that one thing I still have in life. That last bit of sanity I still have left.

For tonight I'm gonna take a sleeping pill. The shivers have come back.

So the potential job thingy didn't work out. And now my body feels like it's been run over from the very truck I've been in.

And now I'm looking for buyers of stuff I have. I still have gramps' bed and a foldaway guestroom with curtains. To be continued

So, I've been at a job interview yesterday and I wasn't disappointed.

Basically I'll be hauling carts that will contain cakes and the like to shops everywhere and bring the empty carts back. On a good day that will be 40 carts. They way empty a hefty 160 pounds and filled they can weigh 300 pounds. Thankfully they have wheels.

I'm not gonna say the name of the store, but it does translate to this: Dutch Standard Prices Company Amsterdam.

Any Dutch people in the audience who know their history a bit might recognize it.

Next Tuesday and Wednesday I can tag along with a driver of the company to see if and how things work out for me. I start... at 3 a.m.

Alarm clock to be set at 1:30. *groan*

I've tossed out some pictures and some journals. Had to do it for peace of mind.

So I was at the local government today to ask if I could get some financial support since I don't have a job. Well, it looks like I'll have to sell my car before I can do that. Or get a job real damn fast. My car falls within my current amount of money and it's too valuable to have, so I have to sell it... Groan.

I need to vent something, again. Nothing too serious, just... well, read it!

Kids. Some people love them, some people hate them. I fall in the last category.

Why? Well, let me open this can of worms first, then we'll talk.

*whirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr* Okay.

1. I can't stand the noise
2. The planet is already overpopulated
3. The planet is fucked anyway with pollution, do I want to show that to my kids? No...
4. Do we want/need more douchebags/retards? Kinda falls in option 2, but no, we don't need any more of those. I'm not saying that would be my part of the genes, but it takes two to tango, right?

No, I don't want any kids. I don't have a girlfriend. And I don't want one either. I have a good friend in my life who I want to share a future with.

And for those who really want to be together, consider this:

The world as we know it IS very overcrowded. More than 7.1 BILLION people on this little ball of dirt. We make wars, pollute, do all sorts of nasty things to each other and Mother Nature and oh yeah, we reproduce like bunnies. Do you REALLY want to add one more kid into that badly composed mix?

I wanted to add a lot more but it would have become very preachy and I would get comments like tl;dr. So yeah.

*empties the can for the birds outside* Who thought the idea of selling a can of worms was a good idea? Someone go shoot that guy...

Groan. I've had a visit from the doctor and his lovely assistant today. My head is killing me, last night I had uncontrollable shivers that even with a hot shower wouldn't go away, my fingers are having the pins and needles feeling and I feel like a wreck.

The result: a severe case of the flu.

Now I'm no stranger to being sick, hardly even, but this was like being rammed down by an 18-wheeler coming out of the fog and subsequently being run over by all the wheels.

I'm allowed 4 pills of 1 gram paracetamol and I have to make sure I drink enough. The doctor told me this kind of flu can knock me out for at least two weeks. Juuust great.

Good news is that the blood tests came back clean, sugarlevel is normal.

I've been to the doctor again today. Why? Well, I've been having troubles putting on my shoes for a few days. My feet have swollen up significantly.

So I went to the doctor. She checked my lungs, my heart, checked for swollen lymph nodes in an area you DON'T want to be poked then checked my legs and feet.

So tomorrow I'll have to go to the hospital to get my blood checked and I've gotten pills that will make me piss like a racehorse.

So yeah, another visit done. I wonder what the blood tests will say.

Oh yeah, and I finally managed to do my administration.

Well,

I had made macaroni and I added a seasoning package. What I missed however, is that that package was for 4 to 6 people. And I added it to a 2 person portion of macaroni. Now I should have noticed it with the first plate, but with the second plate it hit me. This stuff is waaaay too salty.

I think I had enough salt in my food to last me for a couple of days so I decided to flush it with the first thing I could get my hands on. Which happened to be a 2 liter bottle of OJ. Yeah, bad idea.

So now there was a way going on in my stomach between the hydrochloric acid, the salt overdose and the orange juice. And I thought "Well, acid do work better when heated, so let's take a hot water bottle with me to bed........" Notice the long string of dots at the end of that sentence?

I went to bed at 12 I think, woke up at 3 a.m., sweating like a motherfucker, stomach acid reaching critical levels. I wasn't a happy camper. So I decided to stay upright the rest of the night so gravity would keep the acid where it belonged. Down below.

I've had two mugs of coffee during the day, I've seen the bathroom a whole 7 times, all those times sitting down and around 4 p.m. I was starting to get hungry. So I put a pizza in the oven, devoured that one, then stayed up late. So around midnight my stomach started complaining again. So I ate some chicken, now I'm finishing this little story then I'm off to bed for a well deserved rest.

What a day. Pff.

Borrowed from  Sibir_Lupus

1. Had sex? Nope
2. Bought Condoms? Yup!
3. Gotten somebody Pregnant? Nope!
4. Failed A Class? Yup
5. Kissed A Boy? Yup!
6. Kissed A Girl? Yup!
7. Used A Little Paper Bag for Lunch? Nope
8. Had A Job? Yup!
9. Slipped On Ice? Yup!
10. Missed The School Bus? They don't have that here
11. Fucked a girl? Nope!
12. Bullied Someone On The Internet? Nope!
13. Sexted? Yup!
14. Sex In Public? Nope
15. Played On A Sports Team? Nope!
16. Smoked Weed? Nope!
17. Smoked Cigarettes? Nope!
18. Smoked A Cigar? Nope!
19. Drank Alcohol? Yup!
20. Watched porn? Yup!
21. Skipped class? Nope!
22. Gotten Arrested? Nope!
23. Done meth? Nope!
24. Been To A Wedding? Yup!
25. Fell in love with a bestfriend? Yup!
26. Been On The Computer For 5 Hours Straight? Yup!
27. Watched TV For 5 Hours Straight? Yup!
28. Been Late For Work? Yup!
29. Been Late For School? Yup!
30. Kissed In The Rain? Nope!
31. Showered With Someone Else? Nope!
32. Failed My Drivers Test? Yep!
33. Cheated on a ex? Nope!
34. Been Outside My Home Country? Yup!
35. Been On A Road Trip Longer Than 5 Hours? Yup!
36. Had Lice? Nope!
37. Gotten My Heart Broken? Yup!
38. Had A Credit Card? Nope!
39. Been To A Professional Sports Game? Nope!
40. Broken A Bone? Nope!
41. Am I BI/Gay/Lesbian? Bi
42. Won A Trophy? Nope!
43. Cut Myself? Yup!
44. Had An STD.? Nope!
45. Got Engaged? Nope!
46. Done ecstasy? Nope!
47. Tried Out To Be On A TV Show? Nope!
48. Rode In A Taxi? Yup!
49. Been To Prom? Nope!
50. Played A Drinking Game? Yup!
51. Stayed Up For 24 Hours Or More? Yup!
52. Been To A Concert? Nope!
53. Had A Three-Some? Nope!
54. Had A Crush On Someone Of The Same Sex? Yup!
55. Been In A Car Accident? If you count being hit by a car, yup.
56. Had Braces? Yup!
57. Learned Another Language? Do the "One finger salute" and "thumbs up" count?
58. Killed An Animal? Killed flies and stepped on ants. Technically that's killing an animal.
59. Been At A Yard Sale? Nope!
60. Been To A Japanese Steakhouse? Nope!
61. Wore Make Up? Yup! Been on stage a couple of times.
62. Talked To Someone Via Webcam? Yup!
63. Lost My Virginity Before I Was 16? Nope!
64. Had My Wisdom Teeth Taken Out? Yup! Still one there... urgh.
65. Kissed Someone A Different Race Than Myself? Nope!
66. Snuck Out Of The House? Nope!
67. Bought Porn? Yup...
68. Had A Virus On My Computer? Yup!
69. Had Oral Sex? Yup!
70. Dyed My Hair? Nope!
71. Gone Skinny Dipping? Nope!
72. Graduated From College? Nope!
73. Wore Someone Else’s Clothes? Yup!
74. Voted In A Presidential Election? Don't have that here!
75. Rode In An Ambulance? Yup, twice!
76. Rode In A Helicopter? Nope!
77. Caught The Stove On Fire? Nope!
78. Got In A Verbal Fight? Yup!
79. Met Someone Famous? Yup!
80. Been On Vacation? Yup!
82. Been On A Boat? Yup!
81. Been On An Airplane? Yup!
83. Broken Something Expensive? Nope!
84. Had Surgery? Yup, plastic surgery even! Good luck finding out where btw...
85. Beat A Video Game? Yup!
86. Found Something Valuable On The Ground? Yup!
87. Made A Survey? Yup!
88. Stalked Someone On A Social Network? Nope!
89. Prank Called Someone? Yup!
90. Been To A Library Outside Of School? Yup!
91. Spent Over $100 Shopping In One Day? Yup!
92. Cut My Hair And Hated It? Nope!
93. Peed Outside? Yup!
94. Went Fishing? Yup!
95. Helped With Charity? Yup!
96. Taken A Pregnancy Test? Nope!
97. Been Rejected By A Crush? Yup!
98. Been Suspended From School? Nope!
99. Broken a mirror? Yup!
100. Thrown up on someone? Nope!
101. Lied to your parents? Yup!
102. Slept in Fursuit? Nope
103. Slept With a Fursuit Head On? Nope!
104. In a Relationship? Yup! <3 :)

... by death.

Today I retrieved my grandfathers ashes from the crematorium. Not the best of days, it was raining like crazy and the thunder I heard when I was inside the main building sounded like someone dropped a big friggin' bomb.

So I've got his ashes and his memorial and I get home. And ofcourse, there's a note on the door from the neighbor. So I ring her doorbell, she opens the door, sees my face and asks me why I'm angry. No, I'm not angry, I'm just extremely sad. So, she tries to comfort me by saying "Well, he did become 86, right?" "No." "85?" "No, 83." "Oh." Se paused. "Well, at least you had him in your life for 83 years."

Seriously? Seriously. "Well, at least you had him in your life for 83 years." I'M 35 YEARS OLD YOU BITCH! How on earth is it possible for someone to say I had my grandfather in my life for 83 years. And she had the heart to say "Well he could have died in his fifties." "Yeah, like my father!"

At that point I just turned around and walked away. I feel ashamed for the fact I'm living next door to a dumb cow. And that is an insult to the cows, I know that. And she wonders why people don't like her.

Her ignorance causes me more grief than I already have. Uncool.

As tweeted by  ToastRabbit

Why am I a furry? Good one!

Years and years ago, when the CD-ROM was just invented (yes I've seen that happen!) I bought a computer magazine that came with a free CD-ROM. It had all kinds of stuff on it, free DOS-programs (Anyone here remember DOS?) and pictures and soundbites of various movies. Tons of crap you couldn't do anything with, but also a directory with pictures.

In this directory I saw a costume of a female bear in what looked like a leather sort of swimsuit and big leather boots. That got my attention. As in "What the hell is it and why does it arouse me?" Look up "bearconz.gif" on Google and select the first link. That contains not only the entire picture directory of the CD-ROM I just mentioned, but one level higher it contains a ton of DOS programs. But that's not important now.

Years later I learned from a friend that he had gotten himself a modem and he introduced me to the World Wide Web. Hello new opportunities. For porn. Yeah, what else, huh. Anyways, somewhere along that line I wondered what ConFURence 4 was, because that was where the Bearconz picture came from. Hello furry fandom. My reaction: "WTF there's more where that came from???"

Suddenly stuff started to make sense. I already was an animal lover, now here were people running around in animal costumes. Yeah I can live with that.

Move on a couple of years, I found out about this gig called "Eurofurence". Turned out to be a bit more than just a gig. Whole hotel filled with furries. First thought when I came in was "What the HELL am I doing here?" When some random fur gave me a hug out of nowhere the question was answered.

Back then I had a big black trainwreck of a fursuit. Yes I have pictures of it, no I'm not gonna post them. I didn't have any idea of how to make a suit (I've come a long way fortunately) and this thing was just plain horrible. My grandfather helped me build it and it even clogged up his sewing machine. And his lungs. Long haired fur, not fun. His maid kept finding hairs for MONTHS in rooms the fursuit had never been.

I've made a better fursuit back then and now I'm working on two suits at the same time. At least, planning wise. The heads are being made by myself as well.

So that's my brief, or not so brief, history of why I am a furry. Hope you enjoyed!

Okay, so...

Here I was, sitting in my bedroom, listening to the latest 2Sense show while working on a fursuit head when all of a sudden I heard a BANG on my bedroom window. Which is weird because I live on the second floor. So I see a round mark on the window, I look out and see two little assholes take off like a rocket.

Is it wrong of me wanting to have a shotgun with rock salt so I can repay them somehow? I mean, the saying goes "An eye for an eye", right? So how about a death scare for a death scare?

I mean, I was sitting in bad lighting, the sun was already going down and all of a sudden sudden BANG scared the living daylights out of me. Wouldn't it be appropriate to take aim at those little FUCKERS and take potshots at them with a couple of shells of rock salt?

I mean, with a little bad luck on their side it's just gonna sting a bit and with a little luck on my side it's gonna sting a LOT.

And no, I won't be able to toss an apple back at then because A. I don't have apples in my home. B. I have a small room and ditto window which lead to C. Knowing my throwing skills I've I would shoot at the broad side of a barn I'd probably hit the roof. And pull a muscle.

I was listening to some music on Youtube when all of a sudden a burst of radio noise came through the speakers. In German. And really loud too. That wasn't the first time, as I've heard faint German music coming from the speakers in the past when no audio was being played on my behalf.

Does anybody know how that can be possible? I have a Logitech speakerset without AC-filter in it. In the past I've tried to record the music with my phone, but the sound is so low the microphone doesn't pick it up.

Anybody? Bueller?

...it isn't very long...

Ever had a revelation in your life? That you lay in bed one night and suddenly it comes to you "I'm gonna fuck this up, I should do it THIS way"?

I had that with the head of a fursuit. I'm basically dismantling it to it's bare bone. Going to try out something different this time. Pictures are being made along the way, don't worry!

To sleep or not to sleep. That's not the question here. It's more like "To nightmare or to sleep, THAT is the question."

My body need sleep, my mind need rest. However, for the mind to get rest, the nightmares need to go away.

Think Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. There's a rage in my soul I don't want to give in to, but during my dreams it comes out, displaying my fears.

I don't know if I will ever kick the demons out before they kick *me* out.

So a couple of you already know that I've quit my medication. The withdrawal effects are bad, but slowly subsiding.

I've been to the doctor today and talked about my latest quirk, nightmares. The doctor prescribed me some sleeping pills that I'm allowed to use moderately. Sigh, I even said, even though I don't like the idea, I'm willing to go back to a lighter dose of my meds.

I also told him that in the near future I'm gonna ask for psychiatric help.

To be continued...

The Dark Knight has Risen! In more ways then one yes. For a lot of people the Night Rose to be Dark. So dark in fact it will never be light again for some movie goers. Damn America, you're scary!

Some whackjob enters a cinema and throws teargas into the audience, then starts randomly shooting people. Results: 12 dead, 38 injured. Now hear this: the youngest victim was a 3-month old baby.

Excuse me, why is there a 3-month old baby in a theater that's about to show movie noisy enough to make the baby start crying it's eyes out interrupting the movie? Hire a babysitter you fools! That's less likely to get someone wounded by gunfire too.

I'll probably add some more in due time but I can't think of more at the moment.

Taken from  rabbi-tom

I Remember...

☑ When there was no internet.
☑There was no color TV.
☑ School actually celebrated Halloween and Christmas with parties a full half day.
☑ The School playground was actually paved, no dirt, woodchips, soft rubber and had Teetertotters and a Monkey Gym.
☑ When there was only 3 channels on TV (Nederland 1, 2 and 3).
☑ Saturday Morning cartoons and getting up at 7AM and watching til 10-11AM (at my grandfathers' neighbors).
☑ Toys that could make you bleed, burn or bruise and made of metal and actually last several months or even years of hard play (still have those actually).
☑ You actually wrote real letters and mailed them.
☑ Kids carried Walkmans that whined when you shook them.
☑ There was no Cell phones.
☑ There was no home Computers.
☑ When VCRs first came out, weighed a ton and cost almost a $1000 and blank tapes cost $15 (toploaders sucked).
☑ Everybody had a record player and as a kid, it was funny listening to music at 35 RPM at 45 and 78 RPM.
☑ Your parents could actually beat your stupid ass if you did something stupid, and you wouldn't repeat it to avoid another beating (still remember my last and I was taller than my mother).
☑ Kids LOVED Libraries and would frequently check out books to actually READ.
☑ Firework stands and buying Cherry Bombs and M-80s that could actually blow your hand off.
☑ Kids actually went outside to play and often moms tossed their kids outside to get them away from the TV.
☑ There was no home video game systems.
☑ A kid (usually only boys) actually could carry a pocket knife in school and not get suspended or kicked out unless they actually threatened somebody with it (still have those pocket knifes somewhere).
☑ Summer camp was THE place to go if you were lucky! (Boyscout camp here)
☑ Cigarette ads on TV.
☑ There were no trolls, you actually could face your accuser and physically fight them if need be (in my case, run the f*ck away from them).
☑ Christmas promotions didn't start til Thanksgiving in late November, not late August.
☑ Soda and beer in glass bottles that you returned to the store to collect the deposit.
☑ People smoked everywhere and it was accepted.
☑ Cars that actually had power, looked good and you didn't ask what kind of mileage it got. Plus could take a minor ding and not cost $2500 to repair (my father could do that himself if he had to).
☑ You could work on a car and not need a college degree just to pop the hood.
☑ Car Road trips with the family...just for the fun of it.
☑ Telephones that were rotary dialed and owned by PTT (I miss those things).
☑ Rock music that didn't involve shock lyrics, swear words or mentions killing cops and busting ho's and raping women (CCR and 10CC).
☑There was no Furry Fandom.

Beer beer beer beer beeheeheer! I'm drunk, legally drunk, unable to go out and about. I can burp loud enough to make my upstairs neighbor fear the Kraken lives under him!

I've had three 0.33 liter cans and one half liter can and I'm still, albeit legally DRUNK, not feeling that woozy.

I know the hangover will be brutal tomorrow but it'll be totally worth it. I think. I think.

Point is: I'm lonely. Yes, I've had a good day today with a friend. All my trains are running now, added two decouplers to the tracks, everything is FINE. But! After I kicked my friend out as I wanted some lonelyness again, I added some more alcohol to my already intoxicated bloodstream. The world isn't spinning YET but it might happen... you never know with me.

About my lonelyness: I want a mate. I have a VERY GOOD friend next to the friend I have here, only trouble is he's living in a country that's known for its wine, cheese and buttered snails. And I'm living in a two room flat.

So yeah, I first need a bigger house, I need his parents to realize that he doesn't stand much chance among all those garlic eaters, I'll have to toss him and his stuff into a lorry and get him the fuck here. All within, say, 12 months or so.

I also need a job. Or at least a steady income. And I could use someone who can help me with immigration papers. Still lots of stuff to do as you can see.

Sigh. I could use another beer. Last one for tonight! WOO!

It looks like Twitter is down, which is a pretty big inconvenience as I'm being starved of information. Bleh. So short a member, already addicted to it.

So today I gave Keesje a haircut. And boy was it overdue. A pile of fur the size of another guineapig came off. Now I have to say, giving a wriggly rodent a haircut by yourself is NOT easy. So, it's not hard to understand it won't get the first prize. But at least she's quiet again.

Poor critter *snickers*.

In other news: the office company called today. The manufacturer does have the spar parts and it will set me back just over €100, shipping included. Since you can't buy a decent chair for that money, I agreed. With a little luck I'll have the part tomorrow. Fingers crossed!

I have two lovely little guineapigs from a shelter as most of you know. The shelter however has received a boatload of more guineapigs. So I decided to try and advertise the shelter a bit. I don't know how many of you are from The Netherlands, but if you have friends there, please link them to this journal.

The guineapig shelter is looking for new owners for their guineapigs.

The website is http://cavia.webbieworld.nl/?p=welkom . De available guineapigs can be found under the header "Uitplaatsbare cavia's".

---

Zoals velen van jullie weten heb ik twee hele lieve cavia's uit een opvang vandaan. De opvang echter heeft een enorme hoeveelheid cavia's erbij gekregen dus het is er erg druk. Hierdoor heb ik besloten hier een beetje reclame voor te maken.

De opvang is op zoek naar nieuwe baasjes die het gezelschap van een of twee cavia's wel kunnen waarderen.

Dit is de website http://cavia.webbieworld.nl/?p=welkom . De cavia's zijn te vinden onder de kop "Uitplaatsbare cavia's".

Now my ass is sore. Not because it landed on the floor, but because of the fact I'm sitting on a small chair with no cushioning whatsoever. I've asked the company I bought it from years ago if they have any spare parts for it and they should call me back.

Luckily I saw one set of wheels go wonky before it broke.