I'm straight up addicted to Facebook and I constantly post on there every hour. I've made a few friends on there but I got really irritated today because not only does it keep logging me out randomly, but it's glitching out too. Fck this app. Idk what to do with myself now

Also I only have like two pieces of artwork to do so if anybody wants to get some artwork done by me it's a good time my wait time is short dm me

I've had good luck in art raffles before i recommend watching favorite and commenting on this link:


https://www.furaffinity.net/view/46.....#cid:163996282

this artist literally paid for an ad on furaffinity and Im finding and they're hosting free art raffle trying to get to 800 followers ♡♡♡♡ uwu that's furry dedication 🥺 cool person go watch anyways lol

The government gave me 2mos backpay on ow and ei because I was waiting over 2monyhs for ei they gave me ow, so yeah got a few bucks and I'm going back to my rv
I was getting so excited to go back to my rv because this apartment has bedbugs.

Yeah
I'm just going to throw out nearly everything I own, save for my pc and my vr headset (I'm pretty sure they're in my vr headset oof)
and for the stuff im keeping. I'm gunna spray everything with raid
and yeah I was thinking phew I finally got some money, I can finally get out of this mess, and I woke up this morning with a bite on my fucking eyelid omfg I just want out of here

TMI: my onlyfans reached 60 subscribers today thats a first lmao

I can't wait to go to my rv
I wanna fix it up. I been talking to this guy who is a dj. He wants to road trip with me in my rv. And he knows renard/lapfox personally... he might get him to dj at a rave if we hosted an event. This summers gunna be LIT

Hey guys I seem to have forgot to log on this account for over 8 months or so my apologies. Life was happening. My sister took all my furniture and frauded me first and last rent after selling my trailer so we could get an apartment together. Oof. She kicked me out then I went to my parents. They found out I had an onlyfans page so they constantly harassed me to get a job. I don't want to I make twice as much from home. my mom tried to throw my computer outside so I pushed her out if my room so they kicked me out. I called up some random guy from tinder and he offered me a place to stay. Needless to say that was a bad idea. One night, actually it was Friday the 13th. him and his dad were drunk as hell and beat me up, and they threw my bong in the fire, called the cops on me, I confessed to hitting him for some reason when I was concussed out of my mind. and now I have charges pressed on me. Fighting that in court now woo-hoo. He kept my phone and my car. My parents let me come back home. They were immediately harassing me to look for jobs even with brain hemmorging. I refused to leave bed for over a week and I tried not to look at phones. I got a job with a union as a carpenter and I moved out.
The place I moved into had bedbugs. I didn't find out till long after mysterious bumps covered my arms and face and neck. I told my employers I couldn't come back with 60hr week until I figure it out. So I cleaned everything like 4 times and still found bugs. I'm so frustrated atm lol 😆
Ok so could have had a blue collar job and full benefits but instead I fucking wasted the last year doing this when I LOVE LIVING IN MY TRAILER :))))
fuxk everyone and everything haha I'm literally going back to the farm......
Told my landlord this next month is my last month and I'm gunna go back to my rv because I'm getting fucking eaten alive by bedbugs and it fucking BLOWS BIG MONKEY BALLS 🐒 🙃
Anywho im going to just like, throw out almost everything I own and just, try to go back to my rv with just my pc and maybe leave a few things

Anyway I've been streaming videogames. I sometimes make YouTube animations. Rarely on tiktok... I play league of legends and fortnite right now. I really not the gamer type: I hate guns and competition. And fortnite just took building out for the new season 🙄 and I've been doing lots of artwork. Thats pretty successful. Turn around time is under a week right now if you want a phone commission. $20cad/hr or $75 per character

The past year or two I've been stocking up a few hundred dollars in stickers so I can run a patreon page for stickers. And hopefully in the future I can fund something like a merch business. I had more patrons before I started posting nsfw artwork on there lol
https://patreon.com/neexart
There's gunna be a whole art and streaming studio in my rv...

Okay I was homeless but that's okay I have a car.
My cat doesnt like living in the car but it's okay he still stays by my side.
Ok so its winter and I cant live in my car anymore that's ok I borrow money from my friend and buy a trailer
So my trailer doesnt have hydro that's okay I have candles and my cat gives me a hug when I feel cold and lonely
So my family won't help me survive on my own they let me watch the house when they go to Jamaica
So it's okay inwas kicked out for telling my bad to stop rinsing dishes in dirty water it's okay. I can go back to trailer I won't be lonely I have my cat.

Its warm now it's okay I can live in the summer just fine and i started seeing a guy but its okay we are dating

Guy says I can move in his house for the winter so I didnt prepare my trailer for winter.
but it's okay I'm paying rent and I can move my trailer there to his house...

Dudes cheating on me with his ex within a few weeks... that's okay... I can go home and live in trailer for the winter I guess that's okay...

I'm back at myntrailer and its packed with all the stuff I tried to bring out to storage to my boyfriends place but... that's okay... I still have my cat...

But then coyotes ate my cat and thats....
It's not okay

I dont have anyone to help me anymore.

I dont even have my cat for a hug

Im not okay

Please browse and favorite my Etsy shop 💞
https://www.etsy.com/ca/shop/NeexART

Heyyyy there everyone... Welcome to my Featured journal!

[ yiff books]
I published 2 adult books in 2020. They have all my Favorite art from the last 10 years including all the yiff I have removed from all my social media pages. (but no Ferals) It's less than $1cad/per page and you get a bunch of posters and stuff included.

Both pictured here they have 60 pages each
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/36114782/
Female preview pages:
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/35688159/

I'll be honest here: the female book has a lot more porn, about 30pages, but half the book is sketches. Whereas the male book has mostly fully finished pieces of art but only 10 adult pages including a comic page.

[ Prices]
The books are $69 CANADIAN DOLLARS each (or approximately $52 usd today)
They come with a poster (11in x 17in, 14cad value)
and some vinyl and paper stickers. Holographic rainbow packaging for stickers. (10-15cad value)
( If I'm feeling extra generous some holographic sticker or a poster of my fursona might show up too if I have extra )

[ Package deal $119cad / approx $89usd ]
Everything pictured here:
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/37255996/
And also I have more stickers in my Etsy since I took that pic so there will be more.

[ Shipping ]
Shipping within Ontario $5.75cad no tracking.
Elsewhere Canada $8cad
Shipping within us or mexico $12.50cad
international $18cad

[ Disclaimer ]
Although all the artwork is by myself in the books, I did not feel that it was appropriate to credit commissioners characters' owners. Simply to keep their identity private.

[ HAPPY HALLOWEEN ]
Hey do you like Halloween ? Would you be interested in one of these signs/decorations I made?
https://www.etsy.com/ca/listing/866....._home_active_1


I'm looking into making resin cast projects in the future. Possibly practicing with smaller, self made silicone moulds and such. I'm thinking an ashtray with custom holographic sticker inside. Also interested in looking into custom shower curtains? I'll find a supplier on alibaba or something. I did look into custom fursona tights with tail going down one leg (asymmetrical design)

If you are interested in custom signs, custom vinyl stickers, custom artwork or any other information about products I make, feel free to comment or DM me on any of my social media pages here linktr.ee/neexart

You literally dont have to read this
it's okay
lol I'm doing alright
I just want to fill this space with frustrations of my neglected childhood.

I've blocked all my family. They can only contact me by phone call and they never do that anyways.
My parents have visited me maybe 3 times since I moved out the first time 7nyears ago.

I had no idea how to describe how my neglect was because there was no evidence and I wasn't mature enough to understand that this was wrong. Happy cheerful families filled me with resent and i was pessimistic to interact with anyone with an over welcoming aura. Later when i was on YouTube i discovered these series of documentaries about "feral children" kids who were either literally raised by animals or kids with little human interaction. I felt like I related to them more than any other human. I sympathized with them on such a serious level I was able to recognize how to stop harming myself or hating myself when I am not like normal people. When feral children try to assimilate into normal society it often causes them so much anxiety and depression it's barely considered a life worth saving. Sometimes they bang their heads on walls for hours until they bleed "just for the stimulation" and the familiar comforts of their formal life.

Sometimes I dont feel valid about how I feel
because I dont have physical or sexual abuse like so many people experience but as I grow older I realized that my parents played many sadistic mind games with me and I never quite understood why I was filled with so much disparity and guilt as they constantly made me take all blame. Most of the day they lock themselves in their bedroom to do drugs and leave me with my older siblings. Even as a rebellious teenager, I didn't speak out too much against dad. I was only able to get away with jabbing passive aggressive comments under my breath and hope he couldn't hear me ....because my dad would be like [you're grounded for a month] not that I would leave the house, that just meant my dad would make my life a living hell for however long he felt loke it and turn around and be happy cheerful I'm the friendliest dad whenever he wanted. To be threatened with a weeks grounded meant, I had no idea when my dad would stop screaming at me daily for at least a month and if I ever spoke out against him he would double the time locked inside. Eventually grounding me didn't work anymore because I never left the house anyway. He would try to ground me for random.shit when I wanted to go explore then real world and meet guys. I remembered screaming,, FOR WHAT DAD?? I didn't smoke or do drugs or have sex or anything, I was perfect basement neko. I had no friends at school or at home. and my life was basically playing furcadia 24/7 and forming intellectual relationships on the internet. with pedofiles. being extremely easily manipulated

a 21 pedofile I was dating threatened to kill and cut himself so often, from weekly to daily if I didn't send him nudes on a regular basis (I was 14-16 years old this happened for almost 2 years) how did my parents not know about this? They never asked me why I was crying all the time? They never helped me meet people or hobbies or friends.


One of the fucked up things my parents would do on a regular basis when I was very young.... My parents would serve food and tell me that it was my beloved pet. I was very gullible and I didn't have reason to not believe them. Obviously terrible consequences for questioning my parents.. The food would be delicious, probably better than my regular KD and hotdogs meal because I was allowed actual meat. (Only my parents get to eat steak and porkchop until I was a teen.) but I was tormented believing it was my cat at least a few times ....before I guess I just learned to ignore them and just eat my cat.

they lied to me all the time. I only saying this whole journal because I remember experimenting with my gullibility on myself when I was 7 or so, telling myself i was eating my cat. I told my twin about this experiment trying to get them to pretend too. If you really believed it, the food would taste terrible. It's really true, i believe that when you're depressed you cant taste smell or see colours the same way.

If I didn't listen to my parents when I was younger I would be beat. I only remember just the belt or spankings today, but. I remember getting them a lot before I was around 5 or 6. until my mom told my dad in tears that he was only allowed to hit my bottom and with his bare hand...

they manipulated me to believe a lot of things. They would do other things too like, tell me to close my eyes for a second. they had a surprise. But they instead run off and deek me. This has let me to abandon nearly every social situation where friends asked me to wait somewhere for a second. It would trigger me so much I'd even run home to deek them. Who gets the last laugh here? My parents went out every weekend leaving an 8yo and a 9yo to cook clean and change diapers, take care of me and my twin. They called us double trouble and always joke about how there isn't an evil one, we're both evil. My older sisters would have so much money from babysitting my twin an I but I've literally never had an allowance my entire life. I wouldn't even get bus fare out of my dad when I was older. If I asked for anything they always said no., it would be used, hand me down , or they complain and say, but you don't even play with your old toys (they expected me to play the same 5 ps1 games for 10 years?)

Even now im not even surprised.
The last time my mom called me she was telling me she already gave all my furniture away because she has "extras" in her house
If anyone of you have been following my story I became homeless last year after my landlord had me move my whole apartment into her house. And then turns out she didn't have running water in her house. It wasn't suitableliving conditions so I refused to pay rent. She stole my iPhone. She worked me like a dog and never paid me. I abandoned all my things behind and lived in my car for a few months until rachrix lent me $2000 to buy a trailer. I attempted to survive the Canadian winter with no electricity heat or water. Im an idiot because I used candles for heat and this whole time I should have invested in a butane lamp. 8-15 candles per night actually was pretty toasty in my trailers bedroom. (Before my parents made me come back home, so I could watch their house while they go to their 15th trip to Jamaica without me, I paid some friends to move all my stuff from that old place to my parents. without asking them permission. Obviously they would say no. But this is stuff inworked years paying my teppermans debt to have my own brand new livingroom set) but when I was in the trailer I drew artwork for rent $ my car broke down in december and I was trapped on the farm with no access to food and water, no car to get groceries. In January, possibly the coldest month of the year. I constantly flooded my facebook everyday begging people to come let me charge my phone in their car so I could continue doing art commissions. I begged my friends for rides all the time and the local furry chat mostly ignored me when I asked for help. I was even offering cash.
They must have thought I was some druggie or something. They must have thought, Surely I must have someone else to turn to for help if I was surely that desperate

When I was homeless everyone always asks "why don't you just go home" even the homeless shelter or government assistance. How do I argue with that.... I was never beaten or raped so you must be able to go back home....

............

If I didn't have the furry fandom I wouldn't have any family.



My mom literally said she thinks I'm a stripper and a methhead..... ok mom thanks for the support.....

Adults only
I will ID everyone who is not on onlyfans to verify age

My onlyfans account -
https://onlyfans.com/bustycat

IF YOU DONT HAVE AN ACCOUNT USE MY REFFERAL LINK
https://onlyfans.com/?ref=14253220
I made 5% whatever you earn /spend

If you're Canadian I accept etransfer at amazing rates... 1usd on OF = 1cad etransfer
Get 20% off orders when you drop payments in my donation pool on PayPal (forfeit your buyer protection so I can claim income as gift for tax purposes)
https://paypal.me/pools/c/8nyOnKS9Tk
Donations welcome

I've been very successful this week since starting my onlyfans and I plan to buy a car when summers over. My trailer is leaking so I might just buy a newer one... or a campervan. If my porn business remains this good I'll consider buying a murrsuit... Is anyone interested in that??
I wonder if I could write a mursuit off as a business expense on my taxes for my onlyfans income

I bid on this not sure if y`all want in on it

https://www.furaffinity.net/view/37175113/

If you wanna be Ina a group secks pic with becc uwu!

Check out my new shop!
https://www.etsy.com/ca/shop/NeexART

I have 15 copies of female book in stock, and ive ordered 10 male books they are dated to arrive may 14-18
Check out all my stickers!! Ive been cutting them out by hand uwu

ALSO STARTING A LINE OF CLOTHING!!
https://i.imgur.com/dp47Z4D.jpg
The first pair of tights!! Is Becca pants uwu
im only ordering 6 pairs or sale. then maybe if its successful i will make more animals!!!

((my commissions are closed))

I had someone fund my art books and I'm going to send some art to printers next week, so I'm curious, are you interested in buying a book, and what kind? I have a few ideas

https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/9448071/

I've been working on art nonstop this new year
I dont have anywhere to set up my laptop to do commissions but I've been doing them off my phone
Big big shout out to arzingoth he bought me a phone and ive been doing artwork from my note 8

ART COMMISSIONS OPEN

Oh your here for the free art? I'm hosting 5 raffles and the draw is tomorrow at noon

https://twitter.com/kitty_becca/sta.....703236608?s=19
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal...../#cid:56898360
http://aminoapps.com/p/9s09jv4
https://www.instagram.com/p/B8gymS-.....=16vscrk1dow3g
Telegram: neexartraffle

Draw is tomorrow for all 5 raffle

I'm looking for somewhere to live. I found a trailer for $1000 and an old man who would let me park it on his farm. But the bank declined my loan because I've only been working there 2 weeks. I know this is a stretch but I'm looking for a personal loan so I can buy myself a home (trailer) to live in. I can sign agreement written by your lawyer. I can pay you back before 2021

My life this year has been pretty eventful. I started with a nice job in a small town with a cheap all inclusive apartment and I delivered to old ladies and it was great. I spent 2 years without internet previously and I decided to go back online and I met some friends through real life. One friend ended up getting all his things dumped on my door by his stepdad. In February I quit my job I wasn't getting enough hours to do anything with my life and my apartments water was rusty making me sick. I had been drinking&cooking with bottled water for over a year. My friend had disability and we thought of splitting an apartment. After 2 months he never got an apartment and I was done letting him sleep on my couch . He wouldn't get out and I started having a meltdown because PTSD of previous boyfriends squatting in my life I snapped kicked him out and locked the door. He called the police. And after he whined and cried like a baby the bottom line is I can kick him out whenever I want. So I said hey my friend from.jamacia has a house in a smaller town in the middle of nowhere south west ont. Let's split a house for 750$ she wouldn't even be there. He said great. He dissapeared first night staying there. The jamaican lady came back. And they all helped me move all my things in. Then whoops...There was no running water. I had.moved all my things in and the lady had busted pipes and a lead line. I stayed in that house rent free but I bought a lot of good food and groceries because I'm allergic to wheat.
Anywho that jamaican lady came back. Stole my iphone and went back to Jamaica. A friend who lived nearby named mike let me use his shower since I didn't have running water for about 4 months. I also didn't pay rent so I went to every since howl this year and driving to Toronto almost every weekend (3hrs one way) put quite a toll on my car. I worked pizza delivery for a bit until I hit a cat while going 100km/hr and he unfortunately was very cute and broke my radiator. I had no car in a house with no water for 4 weeks and no internet and my phone was stolen.
Whoops oh well
After 4 weeks I found someone on Facebook who was very awesome and cool heard my story come down and fix my radiator and I've been on the road since! I got the fuck out of there and I drove all over the province from sarnia to Windsor to london Hamilton Niagara Ottawa Toronto you name it. I havent been north of Barrie yet. I havent been to any other provinces yet.

Anywho I live basically in my car and I visit furries all over the province. But I used to just go visit girls on dating sites and we'd go to the bar or dance club to dance. I guess I should also mention that I worked minimum wage since I was 17 with no vacations and slowly I been further and further from all the places I came from and I hope to grow into a new person that everyone enjoys.
But I kinda like being homeless and I hate working. I hope to get some roof over my head that's stable enough to let me do artwork fulltime but for now. I fly away on my wheels lol I dont really want to tell you what I'm running from but this year has been.. liberating I suppose. I've lost everything except my most valuable tools to create artwork. I'm drawing on a 2010 alienware and i cant plug it in my car so untop of my life issues i dont have anywhere i can be comfortable doing artwork

Some flowers grow in fields and others grow inbetween the cracks

I decided that I'm way too picky to take adult art commissions and I will only be offering ych for adult art. And probably only 1 auction a month.

First up, a lady. Just a simple pinup. Mature rated and starts at only $50 USD

https://www.furaffinity.net/view/31023191/

many new pieces of becca are coming soon *u*

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/22077110/
NSFW cute pinup of a fox girl.

I am asking $20 for colors or $25 for shaded
Im taking limited slots for these.

At this time I dont plan in making alterations to the lineart but I may consider it.

Send me a note :)

my ex sent me pictures and commentary as he went to the tallest building in town and told me he was going to jump off it
he even lied and told me a guy in the elevator said you can open the roof's door with a spoon he was obviously just messing with me as there is 2 large locks on the door. Thankfully he was not able to get on the roof. my friends called the police for me as i dont have a cellphone currently.....

I blocked him and told his friends that they need to handle this..........

i just opened a new channel on youtube!!
this is just getting started people !! :) this year i want to focus on furry content and possibly in august i will start a gaming channel for mordhau where you will watch my die and be defeated over and over endlessly :DD

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nPzfsxNpPN0

this is a video of my twitch stream last night. I hope to make more of these in the future
if you want to follow my twitch stream click here: https://www.twitch.tv/slinfox

i dont really believe in spirit science but recently i have been having strange thoughts i felt the need to express them here.

Over a year ago i was diagnosed with schizoaffective bipolar disorder because i was going through a crisis in my life and my maniac depressive state lead to me take risks not eating or sleeping and long story short it got so bad i was hallucinating. It seems to come around when i get stressed with choices i go into like a dissociated state like lucid dreaming but i'm totally functional still i just think i'm talking to my thoughts or something. Or I think i am talking to god. or even, my brain will make up a voice of another being who talk though me. Sometimes i hear a thought or a translation of the world around me present itself to me as a real thing i can hear outside my body like a click or voice of someone outside my apartment talking and I cant tell if i imagined it or not. Cognitive dissonance kinda feeling. I don't believe in channeling but that is what it feels like. If the voices are imaginary or not, i can usually tell. but even if they weren't imaginary. i wouldn't let a rude voice talk in MY head. and I think that is why i don't take medication because i don't believe in self harm. I have spent decade being on the other side of the hurt when people self harm. that is i mean my friends self harm and i have spent a long time trying to council others. My belief in existence is a unique one.. and i know the feeling all well when they tug at my heartstrings...

I'm an expression of infinity that can not be expressed in any one part or all part of any physical point in exsistance. My words are not me, my body isnt me. all i am is consiousness expressing though physical body. and consiousness fundamentally changes reality so that means consiousness creates reality. quantum physics double slit experiment can me excersize it on any where in the planet right now and all. but is your choiice to believe some other being create this while veiwing all possible sequence of events and choosing this one for you. or you can chose yourself.

a story about spiritual release.

It's like this one day i got a thought stuck in my head. it felt like i stopped in time and looked at my whole life and every possible sequence of events that could make me in any possible being. and some reason my soul join god yet still be apart from god. i could see in out and all around me and the will of the universe pulled me like a mother stream until i let go. I let go of the humanity and society i grew to know, and my thoughts were carried to every inch o the cosmos, and down and out of time, to reconstruct me as immortal and unending being beyond material values and realms. completely inexpressible feeling of knowing all things. then i was asked if i was satisfied with who I am. and no I was not satisfied. I felt like someone just paused the movie in the middle. so I spiraled back to my body and reincarnated in and funneled back down, until was not able to figure out how to translate the meaning of thought and imagination correctly. I am continuously trapped from knowing the true nature of the future or my very own actions. Like my body know how to move with the ebb and flow of freewill and i can only watch.

It feels like a perfect night to dress up like hipsters
And make fun of our exes, uh uh uh uh
It feels like a perfect night for breakfast at midnight
To fall in love with strangers uh uh uh uh
Yeaaaah

so fucking tired of this guy i mean i am just so happy he is not my problem.
But I'm sorry, I am not the same little girl anymore. I'm not as sweet as I used to be, infact, I have been given enough reason to turn a total bitch.

im starting this story with my previous ex.
bout 2 years ago me and my bro were dating 2 different guys and the 4 of us decided to move into this apartment i loved it there i enjoyed spending time to keep it clean, but i do no like doing dishes, i had made arrangment to do everyone's laundry instead but plans fell through so there were some arguments tensions were high between me and my ex call him moose, because i can be rude in my tone of voice when i am not trying to be. I'm not insulting or demanding unless i have reason, but sometimes I don't care to be kind.
Eventually it was like screaming matches for no reason i mean i was like 20 he was 18 i thought i helped him out a lot but hey argument peaked when i said "I'll pay you back for my windsheild," to his response "I'd rather smash your windsheild" (trying to be all scarey too) I just was like oh, really? walked away and waited. he just kinda sat on the couch being a grump not talking to me.
and thats when the infj does something called 'door slamming' i mean ive slammed doors in my day but there is a metaphorical door and basically this time the door closed very very slowly and quietly and i decided to consult with my friends online about the situation and yeah, everyone agreed that was pretty fucked up for him to say that. I gave him some quiet time to think about it. an hour or two he did not say a word. Mentally i was packing my things, like retreating so far back. My heart was locked up so tight. And soon as i started talking to him i was like "hey, how is it ever acceptable to smash someone's property?" I didnt get an apology that day so I told him "hey, you have one week. ONE WEEK TO GET ANGER MANAGEMENT DUDE. Just go when you are at school.... But days go by im so tired of this guy. when i close that door i am heartless... He left for school and ditched me with his dog AGAIN and i had to find and pay someone to dog sit within 30 minutes before i went to work. So basically I was like texting him that day "Find yourself a new apartment, get the fuck out, go find yourself a new girlfriend,"
I come home from work like 4 hours later and all his stuff was gone.
I was happy honestly, relief was my first reaction... I was like, good riddance, I called my mom and told her about it.
I would have been fine if my neighbor didn't come out and talk to me and try to say it was all my fault.
I went back in my house started having panic attacks trying to calm down, never thought my nails could be so sharp but my whole legs were messed up when I was going into fetal position. I would have been fine if i didnt start trying to text him of course. I started screaming in my room and sweating and crying saying 'its not my fault', over and over again like the words were going to solidify what i believed to be true. But the infj validates the truth from those around them.
I would have been fine if i didnt grab a knife, and honestly, would have been fine cause I always felt cutting seemed so useless and pointless. Maybe at the time I would take the blame and change it.. I would have been fine with just a cut or two to punish myself i guess. I had convinced so many people not to cut themselves at least a hundred times before, and I knew i was breaking my own morals, not just my skin. I had finally caved and done it myself for the first time. And maybe at that moment I would have let myself lower my standards to all new depths even though the only self harm I've ever done was neglectful eating. It was when i was sitting on the couch, hysterical and decided probably the best thing to do is just cry it out cuts or no cuts i still have just as many problems. I couldnt understand the emotion i felt i looked up and saw my cupboard door, open, and the inside door my friends obituary. Someone who nobody ever got to say goodbye to, killed in a hit and run at 16 just months earlier.
I know you can never blame someone for cutting yourself, and its something you can never take the blame for someone else. I have always felt it is something you simply can't control in a person. I have never acted on the urge to cut again, and i certainly hope my future self wouldn't wish to die for anyone. I hope i'll be strong enough to raise teenagers of my own.

I don't know if he ever said sorry or try to take back what he said. Probably, but I would have had so little respect for him that I would still be mad. His friends texted me threatening to take the doors off my car if i didnt pay him back for the windshield. I said that's funny, he didnt report his credit card missing or stolen but if you look right on the same bank statement like 2 weeks earlier i had helped him make a payment much larger than the windsheild. He literally lived in my neighbours apartment... So basically one day i walk out of my apartment and his friends are there saying theyre going to punch me or something as they go to my parking space only to find my car was in the shop :D trollface!
so literally right outside my door hes having a smoke 5 times a night... Tell me that doesnt give you social anxiety... I tried to take it back and be his friend, told him id take all the blame, but he didn't respond to my text messages anymore. Oh well

I was trying to be happy single, although felt abandoned, for a few more months then I started seeing this guy.. chops
at first there was no promise for relationship i was fine with that but then basically day 1 i stay at his place and i come back everyday for the next 4 months until he moved into my apartment. 2 weeks after moving in he becomes ill and loses his union job welding. I was pretty happy but about 4 months go by and for his birthday i got him a 'birthday present' with me and my friend. it didnt take 3 weeks before he says he loves her........ wtf.

I obviously slammed the door right away. I was freaking out, like dude get a fucking uhaul for real like fucking call your mom get the fuck out of here!

guess
what
he doesnt

he thinks we broke up
we still sleep together COME ON
i come home from work have a shower and hes kissing some OTHER girl on my bed
i was very upset but i didnt get mad, (that trash can have him) i sat down on the bed i was like hey
girl
i want you to look around this apartment
the tv, the ps3, the tables, the dresser the couches.. the dining room set.. the carpets.. the curtains...
are all my things
you
are in my house, not his

I just want you to be straight up with me right now, what is going on

she just has some shit eating grin and says nothing is going on
she actually gives 0 fucks, shes sitting there with a belly top and CLEARLY like 6 months pregnant.

I was like hey, dont you think i should know? like. hey are you uhh going to be real and honest with me

i still dont know if he slept with her. all I hear is lies from then on
he comes back over an hour and a half later and cuts himself..... like they werent that deep as he claims... hes crying and im cold, heartless, i let him know that the blame is on him, not me.

all i hear is his incompetent ass being disappointing and pathetic every time i turn around I'm screaming at him,
i work 6 or 7 days a week on 2 jobs and he hadnt had a job for 8 months....... often i come home and nothing is done and there is a new mess to clean up.. he was pretty good at trying to be sorry for sure, i mean sometimes things were done and he usually helped me clean from the moment i got home till i got to relax and go to sleep only to work in the morning again.

I couldnt live like this anymore........

eventually.... it was clear i was not myself. i stopped eating again... i stopped drinking water or showering.. eventually i was so euphoric i was always praising him and telling him how i was always going to love him and that its totally fine dude yeah, I started getting really obsessive about.. aliens and alternate reality and basically it was not a good mental state of mind. I was dimensional...
I was so stressed.... and i ignored it and kept smiling... I started stay up all night just trying to watch him sleep and really it was like 5 days of no sleep, after no vacation from work for probably 4 years.... I started hallucinating... my mental state was so warped that we watched a movie and i couldnt focus on anything.. it was insane i felt like my entire world was being munipulated... I had a really strange phonecall with my mom. I thought everyone was speaking with a hidden agenda that i could read and i would respond with a completely strange off topic response.... I was wathcing him sleep... i couldnt leave the door closed when i could hear things (cats) creeping in the shadows... I actually believe that he could be turning unto worms under the blanket, so i had to keep staring to make sure it was real. My life was real and i still wanted to keep loving it... I tried to lay down but every time i almost fell asleep i felt like he was being to be a vampire and kill me, or my bed would be ripped out into space. I try to calm down and ignore the feeling of the walls pulsating with the sound of ominous trucks driving from a distance. But everytime i felt like the fear and anxiety was just a little too close for comfort i stretched my smile ear to ear and believed with my whole heart that everything was going to be okay, even though I was aware my mental state was so broken I couldn't tell right from wrong. I try to laugh and push homicidal thoughts from my head, thats not good to think about this high...

He wakes up and hes like becca im taking you to the hospital... I cant sleep cause youre watching me all night.
I try to explain that I'm perfectly fine and happy and dandy

Well I went with him happily, smiling, but when he tried to bring me inside the hospital I definitely refused. I said I'll be fine lets just go for a walk... you could help me eat something... he tried to pick me up and bring me in there and the guard stopped him.. he was starting to get in tears cause i was accusing him and i was literally hallucinating, delusional. Everyone thought i was a crackhead or a meth head. The guard calls the police and I'm trying to get away he takes my shoes...
I knew it was a full moon that night.. my mind was a little extra crazy i suppose... and I just wanted the sun to rise enough so i could be there in it... I was fascinated watching the sunrise creep down the building as the events unfold..
I was resisting arrest, they started handcuffing me i kept screaming they couldn't do that.. they didn't have my permission, they have no cause to arrest me, im sober... after i had no control because they handcuffed me and 4 people were carrying me into the hospital, they put me on a bed and started strapping me in, I saw a moment where the cop was going to handcuff my ankle and i booted him so hard he fell back on the table.... My mind entertained the thought that they were reptilian shapeshifters, just peons in the hierarchy of intergalactic monarchy. They didnt understand that i had enough ambition for good things. But I knew they were going to sedate me... I closed my eyes and almost felt like she was stinging me with the reptile's posion... and i let myself fall asleep for the first time in over 5 days... I woke up in a daze several hours later and Chops was there still, and my dad was there... They told me i kicked a cop and i didnt believe them... they kept telling me to sleep but i didnt want to... passed out again..
I soon found myself in lock down, 3 days in a room with nothing but a mattress... I spent a lot of time sleeping, pacing, eventually started doing pushups. Eventually i was allowed on the unit... and i got my own room.. I spent 2 weeks there and i made as many friends as i could, I drew pictures for everyone, and my ex would come in every day...
one day he comes in and he tells me that hes drinking himself to sleep everynight, he woke up that morning and missed having my beautiful face beside him... I was allowed ot go out with him for 2 hours that day and we drove around hung out was well... then i picked up his phone and saw he was texting my friend... he says.. good morning beautiful
DOORSLAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FUCK YOU DUDE get all your shit moved out by the time i am out of this hospital SO HELP ME GOD!!!!!
that was September.. they kinda not really diagnosed me but it might have been scitzo-affective bipolar disorder (if you ask me ive just taken too much shit from stupid boys) so let's hope I'm not slowly slipping into schitzophrenia as much (as I'd love to go back to smiling at shadows and reptile aliens then dealing with lieing cheaters...
So they doped me up on 15mg of abilify. I had no emotions anymore, i was fine with, living with him for another 2 months until i moved back with my parents in november. We never officially broke up until after he missed my birthday being in jamacia...

It didnt take long, at all, for him to start following my friend around.

Lets just say he is real sorry. I have nothing but nasty texts for him and he chooses not to block me. I trash him even if it takes all day sometimes. He tried to say he wishes me well.. but honestly HONESTLY COULD I BELIEVE YOU. If he had a clue of what a real man is he would of left on his own so long ago. Should have moved out the day after his birthday, or maybe after he admit he loved her, like i said!!

if he texts me im am sure to give him hell, I am not going to be his plan B!! I am not going to be his friend, clearly, he has no respect for me or my friends.
and now he's dating my friend, I'm sure to let him know it's rebound
he literally took my friend away from me and he has no shame letting HER be the reason why I had to move out of my apartment.........

if he does the same shit to her...
i swear to fucking god...
I'll be joining him in hell...

http://i.imgur.com/1MvOcOt.jpg

Nah people dont care what they are doing. I have been thinking about the modern life. Modern human doesnt realize they are the first being to set foot on this planet that can completely transform everything on this planet within the next 150 tp 1000 years. Think about it, if you tried to explain anything to someone 150 years ago about the technology today they would think you were crazy. Truth is, anything could happen. we are part life itself and life is constantly transforming itself. I heard since 1970, 50% of ALL WILDLIFE is gone!! OMG.... if we dont stop the climate from changing, this a planet could be as bare as mars
If I would tell you something that sound completely crazy this day and age, like maybe aliens will stop using their cloaking devices and live with humans without racism. Or the veil will be lifted, Maybe all natural life on earth wouldn't exist and instead humans are using extinct wildlife's DNA to 3D print genetic creations that did not have hundreds of thousands of years to develop with a contentiousness trying against the odds to survive and balance the chemicals to evolve proper concept of emotions and what is right and wrong.
And maybe we will come to a world where the difference between good and evil will be easier to see? Maybe in some point in our evolutionary process we learn to stop and instead of consume we actually understand how to find the best possible solution. Maybe if we can gain a hive mind consciousness... and work out our system and society correctly.. to give this earth a new system of consciousness, one that everyone can feel at home and a part of, something positive and efficient.
But these days we just entertain ourselves with plausible truth. We run simulations of fictional stories. We play game after game of the good vs evil to see who the righteous winner shall be. We believe in the good and bad, the honor of knowing all that is good and bad and hopefully believe good wins over the evil. I wonder if the life we live would not support humans for our true immortal destiny.

Some day you go outside and you would be like, aw man.. I'm tired of all these geneticly munipulated beings... screw the free world. If i see one more real life catdog, real life furry, or pokemon recreation, I'll just lose it... What happened to all the damn humans. I wish I wasn't immortal, living in 2500s, i miss the 1980's. And you would turn around, go back inside your house. Turn on your virtual reality headset, lay down in the matrix and live a day in the life of someone in 1980's, because for some reason aliens were 3D recording the entire history of the human race and this is what humans choose to do with it. Or better yet your smart tv recorded all the conversations.

Hey what's up furries!
I was wondering if you wanted to hang out with me at furnal equinox!
Maybe someone out there would like to commission some artwork from me and we can exchange in person?