^

So some things are happening this month.

For starters, I fly out on tuesday the 11th at 2 somthin pm headed to memphis to go see my friend as he leaves the army, and we're gonna drive back. It shouldn't be too long. two or three days. But I'm not bringing my laptop. And FA doesnt happen on my phone. So expect silence for a while.

25th is always a bad day. Expect little communication.
26th is my birthday, so I'll probably be with some friends.

Master of none.

I'M SUPER DUMB AND LAZY. HOW NOT DO THIS?

Senpi noticed me. <///< New desktop! :D

Step 1: Have responsibilities.
Step 2: Not be good at things.
Step 3: Have a life history of disappointing everyone.
Step 4: Remember that you have a life history of disappointing everyone.
Step 6. Remember that you have responsibilities.
Step 7. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh~
Step 8. Quietly panic.
*Step 8A: Abandon quiet panicking and panic loudly in earnest like you are being stung by angry bees.
*Step 8B: Become the sacrifice.
Step 9. Repeat FOREVER.

*Optional

You're friends are going to go do some blow, do you go with them or do you stay home?

Entertain me at your own peril. :)

Will take distractions as viable forms of entertainment.

Why does google want to translate the nonexistent vietnamese on my page? No really. It keeps popping up an pissing me off. Suggestions?

Something something something merry. Something something something something something holidays. Something something darkside. Something something.... Something... Somethi-I KNOW I COPY PASTED IT I DONTCARE FUCK OFF. Gnight.

P.S. I literally just finished Harloc Space Pirate. It was actually really fucking good. I know its the most xmas relevant movie of all time.. I know its past 0615. Going to bed now. For those few of you who watch me, try not do die or something today. But I know the universe will just disapoint me. Getting really sick of watching my friends die around me. Getting really sick of the others being assholes. I hope today doesn't suck, but then again, back to the universe being a dick....

Super short: Router decided to be on fire. Company has forgotten to replace it several times. Idiots. Still out. Hijacking Parents wifi while here.

TL;DR: Should I post an old amature art project?
No really grab a drink, maybe some snacks folks cause I'ma tells yall a long and stupid story here because I have nothing else to do. I also write how I talk for the most part so I hope this doesn't give you a headache.

My senior year in HS, I was in Photoshop class and we had a cool class project that involved trying to make a tree, with leaves, maybe some grass and some hills. I did these things but I did not stick to a traditional boring brown tree with green leaves, blue sky and greenish tan grass like everyone else in my county. It was kind of a competition.. The winner got nothing aside from winning. I had no plans on winning but I did want to make something that would make people look twice and long the second time they looked at it. So I got creative, I made a cool custom leaf stamp as opposed to the premades everyone was using, I used more filters and colors, and I even made it so that the leaves had variable colors. I got third place by accident. Which, got me some good fame with my class. (It wasn't until 12th grade that I was being treated like a person. Elementary and Middle schools were rough. Story for another time maybe.) But my printed copy was lost and I thought the file was too...

...And then I found my old modified hidden folder of projects and writings on my computer by accident.

Hidden as in I modded my old laptop os to hide it. So that even if a hacker got in the folder would never pop up without going through the eighty eight steps involved in opening this. No really. I had my friend who works in this kind of stuff for a living, write a multilayered encryption code for it too. With the key being in a flash drive disguised as a lego which was in the middle of my largest build. Failing to pass the last step, the encryption, to which my friend made fail-safes so that any attempt to brute force it would shut down the laptop and need to be opened with said stick drive. To shorten things up, it was a well hidden and defended folder which was invisible, even in the registry ect. Well, I totally forgot about it after I enlisted. A d during my time in the army my old laptop came to an end. A good 3.5 years as a gaming laptop for a laptop that's supposed to be a more office programs laptop. Lappy lived a life of hard work and while she did not die gracefully, she was fun till the end and I could ask no more of her. So I got a replacement. With win10 as opposed to win7.

I had to mostly transfer everything manually via external drive. Steam is steam so that wasn't a problem, but somehow, this cheeky little forgotten folder managed to piggyback its way undetected for almost a year onto Acye. (My newer laptop.) Just yesterday, 06Nov2016, I opened it by accident. Without the proper updates for the codes the various defence programs were all broken and didn't even open. But the front folder, as in the first one you open was still hidden. I just happened to rclick on the one on screen pixel to target the folder, which exists off of the screen res regardless of res size. Instead of the normal rclick desktop options I got folder options.. So I opened it. There I saw dozens of dead end folders, useless backlash programs, and all manner of broken exe's. I thought I found some sort of secret dev folder that isn't Windows God Mode. Look that up btw, it's kinda neat. Keep in mind this folder was made in 2012 and forgotten in 2014, with lots of military training and actions, and other.. terrible things.. So It was like playing HaloCE all over again. So many questions, so many potential dangers, but perhaps goodies could be found. So obvs I keep searching until I found the folder that had the last subfolders in it: Art, Writing, and a folder with images of my ex and her sister labeled: Their mother shouldn't see this. Don't worry about that last one. <.< It was here that I found some of my old projects. And I loved this image so much, not for the pseudofame I got from it but from the wonder it instilled upon myself. The story I had written just to put it in there as a setting and the daydreams it instilled upon me. Its my background now.

Another thing to keep in mind this was one of our first projects. And so it's not like its movie worthy but it is... Different. I kinda want to post it but at the same time, for but a little while, it'd be on the front page, where people can see it.. and judge it. And it is amature af. But I love the image and I do sometimes like to share my work. But mostly not cause I've got about 2k pages of stories That's more defended than the us nuclear launch codes. LITERALLY 00000000 is not a very good password for a LGM-30, let alone THE ENTIRE FUCKING ARSENAL! But.. I digress. Obvs it's not good but I'd hope that it'd be perhaps something to look at and kinda build a story upon in your own little world.

So, the question you all have been reading through this nonsense for; Should I post it?

If you actually read all that I'd just like to ask why? This was all madness and rambling. I appreciate you sticking around, and I hope you may have been entertained by this and can give me a good answer, as in yes or no, but seriously, if you have not found this amusing or entertaining in the slightest and yet you've read it all.. WHY?

I was gone for a while. Needed to collect my thoughts. To summarize I was being overwhelmed by a lot of things and then to top it all of a friend of mine got in an accident and some of my friends were blaming me. I didn't feel responsible because its not like I could've done anything about it. In fact I would have been just as injured if I was there. Its kind of complicated. But with my family calling me garbage and my friends calling me garbage and my being sick and already feeling like a loser things got out of hand real quick.

As for my friend. He is not ok. His insurance is covering everything and his family has lots of money but of course that's not going to fix this. He was hit by a car going at least 50mph. That's 80.4kph for you metrics who watch me. To put simply, he's fucked up. If he even wakes up he's going to have a hard time. Shattered skull, massive organ trauma, lungs punctured by his own ribs and lots more. We are not the closest friends by any means and I am so used to watching people die. So I guess it doesn't faze me like it does everyone else. Which I think might be why some of my other friends are mad. We were walking down the street and I decided to stop at a gas station to get a drink, and told him I'd catch up. When I get outside I see a car nail him and a keeps going until it nailed a few other cars in a parking lot. With how badly he was injured I don't know if my cls training even did anything. I didn't even have a kit or anything. So I had to use his shirt as gauze and try to fashion a tourniquet out of an old belt made of decaying leather. We don't know what caused the driver to do what he did. All we know is that he's not with us anymore. But my friends are saying that I could have stopped it. Cause, you know, I'm a tank and can just do that. His family isn't mad at all. They're just glad I knew what I knew and that we were down the street from the hospital. But with all that said and done who knows how he'll recover if at all. I hope so. He's a nice guy, and I want to get to know him more. He's talented in architectural design and could do so much with his life. Probably even more than me. But if he dies then I guess it's just another friend who bit the dust while I was near.

All in all its been a shitty and intense time. I needed to hide away and recover. I have been on here once or twice but I was in an area without constant satellite coverage so I could only get on at certain times of the day. Its a secret place far from my home.

Step one. Suck at everything.
Step two. Understand the concept of motivation without having the ability to be motivated.
Step three. Be a burden to all that you love.
Step four. Be only capable of making poor choices.
Step five. Be incapable of changing.


I still don't know if I should've defended myself that night. I think it would have been best to just let the knife slide in. How do people do things? I honestly don't understand. I am incapable of learning anymore and I'm terrified of the inevitable result of not being able to be successful. How do you do it? I don't want to be me anymore, but I don't know how to change. Everything I try ends in pain. Perhaps it's time to go away for a while.

Nothing changes.

I haven't been around nearly as much as I'd like due to the fact that I am always working and never home anymore. I'm moving out soon. Trying to get out of my family's place so that I can have some downtime every once in awhile. They want me to work for twenty hours a day. Hmmmmmmmmmm... HOW ABOUT NO. Due to reasons I swore an oath not to talk about, I need at least 8 hours a night. That would give me less than 4 when you factor in eating hygiene ect. No one would like the result. Without the ability to just chill every once in awhile I'm slumping back into depression. My family doesn't really care though. They say that if I'm happy then I'm wrong. FUCK THEM.

Gtg now.

Well, as the title may imply, I've been to see the venerable Pageant of the Masters. Tickets aren't even on sale yet. My key to getting in is that one of my closest friends is in it and has done it three years in a row now. So he gets special pre season tickets for family and then on top of that can buy them for a good discount.

Pageant of the Masters is an art show in which almost all the pieces have living breathing people in them. From paintings to sculptures and dances, most figures you'll see are volunteers. Some wear simple makeup and wear clothes while others stand in elaborate poses under heavy duty costuming. And while not a great art buff I hate missing even one year. There is no other event like it in the world. Large galleries encircle a courtyard filled with tables for dining and relaxing before the show, artworks and artists, some from around the world, display everything from intricate and elaborate metalworks and kinetic art pieces to paintings and photography, to jewelry and fine glass crafts. If it's non-contemporary art it'll be there. There will also be some artists who do get in to show more modern art styles. And while the galleries are all different the show each year has a theme. This year's is Partners. All about couples in dance and music, pairing pieces, historic and fictional couples.

There is so much to tell but it could never compare to just seeing it with your own eyes. One day I hope that everyone who reads this will see it at least once. It is so stunning and amazing that some things will leave the audience silent for a moment, listening to the history of someone or some art while staring in marvel at the reconstructed masterpieces before their very eyes. Trust me. You need to see it yourself. Take some a weekends worth of vacation days. It is truly worth it.

Finally home and free. Away from the people that shot and stabbed me. From those who tried so hard to end my life. From 'co-workers' and 'peers' more threatening that real combat.

To see such familiar skies, faces.. Noises and settings. Things have changed sure but its still the same. The only thing I don't like is the noticeable taste of the air. But it'll go away soon too I think. That what happens when you share your space with 55 million other people. :P

Ah well. It's good to be home. :')

Went to a zoo recently. Saw some cool animals. The maned wolves were prolly my favorite just because they were so odd. I was looking at them and the first thing that came to mind was, "Wut?... Fox.. is.. tall... I don't- I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS MAJESTIC THINGY." And then I did. :P Ok. Maybe not but they were still really cool! I didn't even know south america had regional (domestic? local?) canids let alone the world's tallest and probably most critically endangered canid out there. They're also the tallest canid out there. They are completely alone in their own little branch of the animal tree, with their closest ancestor dieing out long long ago. :( They have the coolest bark that made me jump at first because it was so powerful it hurt my ears. And my hearing is just a little worse than most so this was really loud. I'd have to say it was something between a lion and a german shepard in terms of just how it sounded. They're also really tall. So that was fun. Went by myself but I felt better going alone. In one of those isolation moods.

I have started the army's outprocess.. process. It's going to be super painful. Lots of classes I have to sit through that are completely irrelevant to my goals in the near and far futures. Just like algebra! Nobody likes you x and nobody cares. Go home. And due to the fact that I have a multitude of mandatory medical evaluations weekly, I can't just do it all in one week. I feel like this is both a blessing and a curse. My broken ID means I won't go through any of the actual lectures and instead do these classes one on one and far inbetween. This will prevent me from having a slow and awful week. I'll also probably won't be as overwhelmed by all the mass quantities of knowledge that I'll just shut out everything. This also means however that I can't just get it all over with and be done with it.

Aside from that my insomnia and anxiety are getting worse and my depression hasn't really gone away. Leveled out on a more manageable level, but still there and terrible. But on the other hand, people around here have been really nice to me lately. Checking up on me and hanging out. Went out to dinner with my friend tonight. I was going to pay for him but they didn't accept my card so he paid for me instead. He told me not to worry about it. But he knows me too well. I'll give freely but I won't take without giving back. It's the way I am. Trying to figure out how best to pay back twenty dollars. Suggestions?

On another note, I have finally started receiving back pay for what is basically half a year's worth of a very expensive and unused service. I've been able to buy more fun things like games on steam and more groceries! "How do I like my steak? Next to my other steak!"

So things have been mixed. But on a whole I am doing better. And a good part of that comes from what few people I talk to here. I want to thank my supportive friends and conversation buddies here. Without you guys, I might not be alive today, and that is not something a hardcore depressed pecemist says lightly.

-Da Beckers

Feelin' lonely again.

I just want to be close to a woman who loves me as a person and not a plaything to come at every beck and call. Don't get me wrong, benefits are cool and all but I want to be friends too. I don't find thirty minutes of pleasure to be worth a day spent in agonizing loneliness. I don't understand why this is happening. Am I really just unlikeable? That I can't spend time with someone without them wanting something in return other than my company? Am I boring? Is it because I'm not a super-cut underwear model like people want me to be just for being in an armed service? Is it the fact that I'm broken? A book's worth of mental and emotional deficiencies brought on by my fear of people, and chronic insomnia. I don't understand. I just want to be close to someone. I just want a friend who I can hold onto.

That moment when derp happens and you know it's going to hurt. I can relate to this right now.
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-VLq55xQcy.....is-burrrll.gif

So tired. Cant make brain things happen. Moral of story, Don't drink multiple five hour energies andmio energies. Need new lymph nodes. Thanks for donating.

Bed.

Something something something merry. Something something something something something holidays. Something something darkside. Something something.... Something... SomethiFUCKOFF. Gnight.

Yes. I'm alive. I am alive. I've been gone without notice. Separated from all forms of communication. I am not allowed to say why, but I can say that I am quite alright. I'm much happier now. Hungry. But happy. I've actually begun to write a story that I have been conceptualizing and joking about for a while now.

Homicide.exe = False
Suicide.exe = False
Survive.exe = True
Hope.dat_ Recovered

All that trouble to acquire some nice vintage absinthe and here I am not tripping out. At least I watered down the bleach enough to not die I guess. I don't know. I'm just really tired of living because others command me to. I don't really want to die, but living is physically painful now. I'm tired of it. Of the pain. The disappointment. The hate. The lonliness. I was hoping that I could at least be present in wonderland for a bit if only to hide reality under the rug. But, ya know, I can't do anything right. And I've gone and made people disappointed in me again. No surprise there. But in all seriousness. I can't fight myself forever. I'm too clever for my own good. You can take my knives but I'll still have my pens and other things. Balconies, chords, electrical outlets, airsols and detergents; meds, cars... the list goes on. And they can't lock me up forever. Isolation and imprisonment. Well, they'll learn the definition of spite if they don't know it already.

So here's my question. And I want a good answer I HAVE NOT heard before. I'll ignore those. So tell me. Why should I keep living if nothing ever changes, and everything is terrible? Riddle me that.