Yup. I turn 32 today.

It my borfday. Happy borfday, me.

A long, long time ago, my partner Vanx had a plushie custom made of his sona for me for my 20th birthday. It wore out years ago. I used to be able to just search for the makers FA submission by just typing 'vanx' into the search bar. Now it just comes up with some weird persons submissions, and the post/maker I'm looking for can't be found.

I wanted to get him remade, just so I'd have something to cuddle...

Does anyone know someone who does custom plushies?... :(

Today's my birthday. I turn 30.

I'm old Dx

Still alive. I shouldn't be, but I am.


I start a new job on April 1st. I'm gonna be running a saw, cutting wood for the company to make doors and windows and other odds and ends for construction. They're gonna start me at $20 an hour, weekends off guaranteed, 10-ish hour days. It's gonna be rough, but I'm gonna give it the best try I can. The money and not having to work retail anymore will be worth it, for sure.

I've been seeing a therapist still, I've got a mood stabilizer+anti-depressant that helps if my shot memory allows me to remember to take it.

My birthday is next month, specifically april 14th. I turn 30. No idea what I'm gonna do for it, and I have not a single fucking person to spend it with, so that's nice.

I'm still isolated as fuck, I can't move in with either of my partners, and neither are willing to move to be with me. I have maybe 1 friend here where I live, and they check in on me once in a blue moon.

Nobody bothers to talk with me anymore. I'm not a priority to my friends of partners. I'm not important. That's okay I guess.

I'm just gonna have to be okay with being alone the rest of my life. However long I have left of it.

It's been a while. Thought I'd offer everyone an update on how things have been.

I work a new job at a different grocery store than the one I used to work at. I get treated better, and I get paid better.

I've been taking anti-depressants, and seeing a therapist, which has surprisingly helped a lot.

I've made a few new friends, and I've got a new character getting a ref sheet that I'm really excited for.

I'm still around via telegram and twitter, and I'm still here. I'm doing a better than I used to, thankfully.

It's a bit late considering I was busy all day for it, but Yesterday, April 14th, was my 29th birthday. It was actually really fucking good considering the last few were not as good as they could have been. I'm very grateful for how yesterday went. I had to spend a shit ton of money to buy a bike and some accessories and a RealID compliant state ID, but I got to have dinner with my mother, got a job offer for a better paying job, and got to spend time with some very good, close friends of mine.

Now to try and find some time here soon to spend some time with  Nievelion

I'm not drawing anything. But  Shaiyla her daughter is doing a Drawtober challenge. She's actually made a lot of artistic progress, and has done this for the last few years. Please support a young artist who's trying to improve herself!

PLEASE KEEP YOUR REFERENCES CLEAN!!! I cannot stress this enough, as her daughter is a minor.

Earlier this morning, my great aunt died. She helped raise me when I was little.

She was having some issues with her sight yesterday, and went to go to an optometrist. The op. quickly found there was something else happening, they went to a hospital. The hospital did some scans and blood work, and immediately sent her to the ER. The two bottom valves in her heart stopped working, and the insulin tunnel/tube that they put in her arm to make injections easier ruptured/exploded, causing clots. She started declining extremely rapidly after that discovery.

They gave her medication to make her comfortable, but everyone knew she wouldn't last long after that. I was kept in the dark on this, but I don't necessarily blame my family. I'm not taking this very well, and I hurt so damn much right now. This woman raised me when I was little, and she loved me more than anyone. She was one of the first people to accept me when I came out as Pansexual, and wanted to meet my partners. She had smile lines from grinning and laughing so much, and wasn't scared to beat the ass of punks who tried to mess with her. She was an amazing little scottish lady. I would give everything I have to have even just one more hour with her to say goodbye and tell her I loved her.

If you believe in god, say a prayer for her. If you don't, send positive thoughts and energy her way, and mine. Light a candle for her, do whatever ritual your belief or faith has for death of people. I will be lighting some incense, offering a prayer, and spending time with my family.

Let the people you love know that they're important to you. Let them know often, and with as much conviction as you can muster. You never, EVER know when the last chance you have to do so will be..

I love you all.

Yup. I turn 28 this year. In the middle of a global pandemic. I get to spend it mostly alone, and just...I wanted it to be so much better. The plan was to go see my mistress, but that fell through because of covid. I at least get the day off work, but I'm frustrated I can't try and spend the day with a friend or two. Or get out of the house. And all but maybe 2 people forgot my birthday was today as well.

Happy birthday to me, guys...

I'm sorry everyone.

I'm a wreck. I'm not easy to deal with, and unintentionally have ended up pushing people very near and dear to me out of my life. It's hard to see anything positive anymore, and it makes me a drain to even think about let alone be near. I'm sorry. I'm sorry my behaviors have been so destructive it's made people feel like i should be cast out and left alone.

I'm trying. Getting better, being better, is hard. But i'm trying, even on the days it doesn't seem like it..

One of those nights I'm not sure why I keep coming back here, or to twitter. I don't draw, I don't write anymore. I'm not popular at all, so I get zero interaction. It's like being in high-school all over again. It honestly might be time to say fuck it an abandon ship on this stupid fandom since it only cares about a select few people.

Well, the last month or so has just been something else... One of my relationships is in irreparable ruins, birthday was utter shit, and I'm going into a huge stretch at work feeling depressed. What a great feeling, guys :^)

Yup. As of 1:23AM this morning, I completed my 27th rotation around this planet. Yay me for being alive, I guess..

Yup. Was supposed to have Yarek come and see me. It snowed and blocked every fucking pass from Seattle to Missoula. Can't have Nieve travel here nor me travel to him, and the likelihood of Casca considering coming here after the last few weeks is pretty much non-existent. Why do I even fucking bother trying to have a decent birthday? Every day for the last 16 years my birthdays have been nothing but miserable failures, with plans either falling through me me trying to commit suicide. Don't worry, I'm not gonna try anything stupid(This year, anyways). I am beyond fucking pissed and miserable about how this last week even has turned out.

Honestly, I really shouldn't be bitching. I still have people that give a shit about me. I can't control the weather. But it's so, so frustrating. Every time I've tried to do something, with anyone, massive complications have arisen or plans made have completely been dashed. And to make matters worse there are strained relationships where I'm not 100% sure where I stand anymore, and it was my own fault. I just want things to go well for once. I wanted so badly to see my partner, it's been 4 years now, and not for lack of trying. And I am working so, so hard on improving myself, not only as a person, but my situation as well. I'm tired of things always ending poorly. I'm just...I don't even know anymore...

A box of War of the Spark, and a new set of comforter blankets for my bed. That's it. I wouldn't complain about a new set of socks or some jockstraps though, too. Ho-hum.

Just get really pissed? Like, there's a few people that still show up in my feed, or a few things that show up as topics, and it makes me sick with anger.

There's a couple specific people that I just can't get to go away, and it both hurts my heart and makes my pulse crank to 11 with anger.

I wish I could get over them, but with how badly they damaged me, doesn't seem like that's gonna be possible

I lost my connection to Pander, I lost my connection to Makuyi, Yarek refuses to move in with me or even compromise/work with me about it. What the fuck is it with me and just being completely wrong about all of the relationships I have or think I have? Am I just not enough? Not gonna lie, some days it feels like it..

Nobody faved any of it, and I don't ever get anything new to really justify to have any sort of gallery. So yeah. Got rid of everything except Behemoth's Ref sheet. So Iunno. I doubt anyone will notice, anyways.

Yeah. A lot of the ones I had no longer exist. Turns out I fucking fooled myself into thinking they were something they weren't and now I can't stop fucking crying. I've never wanted to die more than I have right now...


I really just am not good enough for anyone. My deepest fear is confirmed.

I'm not naturally a happy person. To be entirely honest, my life is pretty fucking aweful. It has been pretty much since birth and just hasn't gotten better. It's a really long story. A lot of what you'll see from me is just depressing bullshit so you're better off unwatching me to save yourself the trouble of having to put up with me.


Just figured I'd psa this and save a lot of people the trouble.

All I want is to belong...Feels like that's asking too much, sometimes..

This year has been a fucking ride. Just gonna come out of the gates and say that. I've found, especially over the last few years that I've grown and learned a few lessons, all of them important, but nothing compares to the last 5 months or so for me. Holy fuck what's going on? When I turned 18, my life really began, as I became my own person and not just a pawn of the state. I was so, SO awkward, I had no social skills, couldn't pick up on social queues. I might as well have been a 10 year old. See, the thing is, when you're thrown into group homes and mental hospitals from the time you're 6 until you're 18, there's a looooooot of shit you never get to learn or find out. Or have. So when I was finally no longer under the thumb of the state, I had years upon YEARS of learning to do, and fast. Some of you people might remember my old Lionlotus account, yeah? I still check in on it now and then, but it's still inactive as of this posting. I might bring it back someday, who knows. I still very much identify as Nox, my Leoven. There's no getting rid of him, of me. And more importantly, he's tied to some of the most important lessons I've ever learned. Like just because someone is giving you attention doesn't mean they're your friend, and Jumping headfirst into relationships and saying 'I love you' off the bat isn't a good idea. You can burn so, SOOO many bridges and potential relationships/friendships by doing that.

I learned over the next few years more about what made me, well, me. I learned more on how to conduct myself around others, I slowly started to come out of my shell and explore more of my interests. But around this time I also had a lot of drama crop up with some now exfriends and exlovers. Some who couldn't tell me certain issues they had with me to my face, and one who only used me to make himself more popular and threw me away after I no longer was useful to him. I had to learn how to cope with that particular style of grief after several failed suicide attempts(Though to this day I'm still not sure if I'm grateful I survived or not). I also learned pretty shortly after that honestly, I really wasn't everyone's cup of tea. I literally have a body type and personality that makes me appealing to people who have really specific fetishes or interests. There are outliers, of course, Nieve being the one. He's been with me literally since the beginning, and holy fuck he is a better person than I am for putting up with *ALL* of my bullshit over the years. If you read this, hun, you're amazing. Fucking seriously, I have no words for just how wonderful a person you are, and just how crazy you are as well for having stayed on this ride for so long.

Once I started getting myself under control, I slowly started gathering a more solid idea of who my support circle was, and solidifying a better idea of who really meant something to me. Different embodiments of me bloomed in my head, so I gave them each a species and name. About this time I also shifted over to this account. I still had, and still have honestly, a lot of issues by this time. This was the beginning of arguably one of the most extreme rough patches of my life. I was moving constantly, was FORCED out of the home I had with Yarek, people were talkin shit about me and cutting me out of their lives left and right. I had no job, I had no safety nets. My nightmares and phantom pains were running rampant. It was pretty fucking aweful.

Fast forward to late 2016 till now. I made some really poor choices, lost one my best adoptive fur sisters to some really bad choices and lack of respect for personal space, and someone who I though was one of my best friends, but as it turns out these guys were just using me. See, I started wisening up to being used by others. This is where I've started to learn what I feel is my most important lesson to date: How to love myself. I hated knowing I was being taken advantage by these two. I realized that's all they were doing for the last 3 years. I was slowly changing my behavior and tolerance of their bullshit over the last few months, and they knew it. So they started talking shit about me, projecting all their issues on me, and then blocked all communication with me. Though some of their reasoning was actually completely legit. I complain. A lot. But mostly it's about myself. They got sick of me trashing on myself constantly. They got sick of hearing me constantly saying I was no good at anything. Of me playing the victim. I soon started being more positive about myself and my capabilities after reading the 99% hate filled, hypocritical shit filled messages they left me before cutting ties. Just to get some sort of revenge on them. Sort of a "See what you're actually missing, and you're wrong" scenario. And then I had a small thought of 'Maybe...Maybe this is just the excuse I need to actually just start finally being okay with myself. Maybe it's okay to embrace who and what I am outside of trying to be vindictive' which is kind of a weird thought process/series of thoughts to have. But I had them never the less. And the last few weeks I've been a little better with myself. I'm not putting myself down as often, you'll actually HEAR me say 'I'm awesome' every once in a while and not mean it sarcastically. Like, I actually mean it. I won't be awesome to everyone, I won't be everyone's cup of tea. But I am to the people who matter. I've spent so much time only focusing on what I hate about myself, everything bad that's happened, and continuing to happen. And yeah, bad days will happen. I'm allowed to not be happy, to be upset, to be hurt by the actions of others. But...It's okay to not be JUST hurt and self loathing. I think that's okay, too. It's okay to be happy with who you are every now and then, and that's the lesson here.

So, my birthday was spent like this:

Wake up around 11, slept in cause it was saturday and I had a long night before from my Choir concert, and I didn't have to work. Started texting and calling people to see if plans I HAD MADE A MONTH IN FUCKING ADVANCE were still a go. People told me to fuck off, or that they "Forgot" and made plans with someone else. Post a journal on FA and on facebook just saying 'Hey, it's my birthday. Don't everyone flood me with wellwishes all at once now.." . Spent the next 5 hours crying, and knowing I wasn't important enough for people to keep their promises and commitments to me. Went to dinner with my mother and my grandmother, and was thankful at least someone gave a fuck enough to do something with me. Went back home, tried to be positive, but ended up breaking down and considering suicide, cried hard enough I popped a blood vessel in my eye.

All I wanted was to be important enough for one day that someone would approach me first and say "Let's go do something". All I wanted was to not have to pull teeth for someone to acknowledge me. None of you would have even known or cared about this event had I not mentioned anything over the last few weeks, and that makes me so, SO sad. I go out of my way to try and be there for people, even when they don't ask for it, only to have this kind of thing happen...

Thank you for the few people that actually did say at least something yesterday. At least you gave enough of a fuck...

Yep. Today I turn 26. I haven't a clue what I'm gonna do for the day. If nothing bad happens, I'll call it a win..

Yep. Just a week away. While I don't expect anyone reads these, just a simple wellwish will be okay. I'm not deserving of anything more, honestly..