What a day this has been! I am still recovering from my Memorial day weekend. Which was barely a weekend. My friend had to go home early because of incompetence at home so it was short. I miss him already. So while I am still grumpy and opposite of well rested, I trip and fall in my room this morning, causing me to topple onto my desk, break the keyboard shelf off and slice a pretty good gash in my forearm. I also break two martini glasses, my frame I had my niece's pictures in and a Tinkerbell bell I had since I was 10.

FML...

I also aquired a large bruise along my hip and ass as well little cuts along my fingers and hand from landing ON the broken martini glasses.

Lets just say its been a fucked up day and I am behind on my writing and should be back on track soon.

On my list of to do...

1) Story between Belize and Brother in law, Touchstone
2) Story between Belize and boyfriend Niva

Be back soon!

So what do I do when I have had the most emotionally draining two weeks since my divorce? I spend the weekend with an old boyfriend who is still amazingly awesome and whom I haven't seen in three or four years. He's driving up from Georgia and we are going to spend the weekend together. As of this minute, I have about three hours until he shows up. Then we will hole up in a hotel for the weekend and by Tuesday when I get home, I will be refreshed and content.

Goddess Bless the booty call...


..... Dont judge me. :)

Mother's day hit me pretty hard. I didnt think it was going to hit me as bad as it did. Thanks to  Koyote and a good talk with a few friends of mine, I am better. Not totally over it, but better. I am joining a support group to help me.

On brighter news, I submitted a story. A bit of an early birthday present to  Koyote . He liked it enough and I decided to post it. Its a little naughty and I think I may do more of them.

Im also on Sofurry now, seems I just follow the leader. Im on as Belize on there as well, and submitted the same story.

Tomorrow is mother’s day in the US.

Tomorrow will also be 283 days since I lost the chance to become a mother. 9 months and 9 days. The amount of time it takes for a baby to come to term.

I know I am not the only one in the world with this problem. I know I am not the only one in this world who suffers with the knowledge that I will never have the chance to have a baby. But at the moment I feel more alone than I ever had in my entire life.

No one can understand. My sister has a child. I cant go to my mother. And my other friends are either Male or mothers themselves. My niece is ready to have her first child. And it seems there are babies all over the place.

Usually I am okay with that. But tonight, I realized... For the rest of my life, I will never have the experience. I will never know the feeling. I will never have that little bit of me to carry on. I will always be on the sidelines to everyone else’s children.

It aches on a level that I cant even begin to explain. And to know for the past twenty years it wasnt my ex husband’s fault. It was mine. I was the reason we couldnt have children. Would that have saved us? No. I pretty much know it wouldnt have. But to know that I was flawed that it was my body.

I know this is a pity party and I dont expect anything. I just needed to get this off my chest. So tomorrow, while people celebrate with their mothers and their children, remember those that will never have the chance.

I think I need to take a vacation from myself. It may seem silly, but I have been second guessing myself. Oh the blah...

I have been slapped in the face with a bout of depression. I just feel like nothing I do is good enough, I cant concentrate and I just feel like Im worth less than gum. The crappy chicklet gum that little Mexican kids sell when you enter Tiajuana, Mexico. I am just going to curl up over there in the corner and make my little dont touch bubble.

I have taken a turn at writing again. I was so hard pressed on it after my divorce. I dont know if I lacked the self confidence, or the ambition or even the heart. But lately, I have been relooking at a lot of things in my life. And I want to take it up again. I want to write again. I think I am ready. So I may throw some stuff out there, be gentle... but be truthful. Thank you

International Forgiveness day is on the first Sunday of August. It is a day where we forgive those that we have issues with, I suppose. Those whom when we think back on our past, we wince and sigh and shake our head in both regret and sadness. I have a few and after my scare in August, Im going to start the forgiveness early.

To my ex husband, I forgive you. We were both young and eager and alone. We married for all the wrong reasons. I married for fear of being alone, you married because you liked the idea of being married. We jumped in feet first and never once thought of the consequences. When those consequences reared their ugly head, we walked away from each other in a cloud of disgust, hate and venom. I am just as much to blame as you were. We both did so much wrong. You hurt me. And I think the reason why I am still so raw over it all is because I never heard an apology for what you did. I think if I heard you say, Im sorry... I would have sighed and accepted it and moved on. But it boiled and boiled and now I wince and sigh when I think about you and what could have been. But this is not a time for regrets. This is a time for forgiveness. I forgive you for what happened, I forgive you for everything.

To my ex boyfriend (the military man): I forgive you. We made so many plans, jumping into this without thinking. Fast forwarding past the fragile getting to know you stage into something far more than what we could handle on such short notice. You were off to war, and I was dazzled by that. I think we both lied to each other, or lied to ourselves. I was told you fell in love with the idea of me. And after so much thinking about it, I realized it was the same for me. I fell in love with the idea of you. I fell in love with the idea of someone so much like me in ways that it felt comfortable. I was angry at the fact you didnt tell me about what happened. Am I that scary? Am I that insignificant? All I wanted was the truth. That is what hurt me the most. That is what broke my heart. That someone I genuinely cared about would lie to me, even if it was to buffer my feelings. Somewhere deep inside, I knew we wouldnt work. But we could have, we can still, remain friends.

To the ex best friend: I forgive you. You were my compadre, you were the man I went to with all my problems during my failing marriage. I fell in love with you, but not in the Im going to marry you way. You were my best friend. Your Boston accent both amused me and made me feel safe. The little games we played, the fun we had. I have always felt more comfortable around guys as friends and you were my best friend. The guy I could lean on and the man I could get that Male’s opinion on. When you accused me of things I knew were lies, I felt my world shatter. I think I was more hurt that I lost you than I was losing my husband. Things said in anger, said things based on untruths... you were lied to, I was lied to and instead of talking, we screamed. I saw you at a convention, and I felt like crying. I wanted so much to run up to you and hug you, but all I could hear were the last words I heard from you. But I forgive you. I do.

There are others. But I dont think I am ready to forgive them. Not yet. Maybe in August. Maybe never. Some things are just too harsh to forgive...

Stolen from  Koyote

0. We all know what we call you, what about the folks at home? Whats your name? Nicole, but I go by Niki

1. How tall are you? 5'3"

2. Natural hair color? Brownish red leaning towards dark auburn.

3. What about eye color? Brown, plain ol' brown.

4. What orientation are you? Hetrosexual

5. Are you single, taken, or undecided? Currently, and confusingly single.

6. What do you do in your spare time? Spend time on the computer, some photography...

7. What's your job? Working at a burger shack.

8. What's one thing you like about yourself? Im open minded and accepting of many things.

9. Alright, now what about something you dislike about yourself? Im an introvert, but Im getting better. I dont like confrontation and avoid it so much. And because of that, I go with things that make me uncomfortable so I dont get into a confrontation.

10. What's some things your friends noticed about you when they first met you? I was told Im like a room ninja. Im so quiet in a situation... I sit and observe and learn. I have shocked most people because they dont realize Im in the room.

11. Of what faith/religion are you(if any at all?) Solitary Wiccan

12. Do you drink? On occasion, a lot less than what my family and friends think since I seem to get alcohol for special occasions.

13. Do you smoke? A long time ago...

14. What are your fears? Being alone. Unloved and unwanted in my old age.

15. What are your dreams/goals? To move out of Oklahoma, maybe find a life mate. If anything move to New Orleans with my best friend and live in a giant library filled with cats with a TARDIS in the backyard.

16. Ever had any crushes/ex's in the past/present? Yes... I have had a few... And none now.. just kinda floundering.

17. Who's your best bud? My best friend Cristina. She's just awesome.

18. Alright, you got the cravin' for munchies, what'cha reachin' for? salt and vinegar potato chips.

19. Favorite drink? Tea with Splenda... Is DELICIOUS.

20. Favorite color? Purple

21. If you had any super power, what would it be? Super speed or being able to travel dimensionally from one place to another.

22. Favorite movie? Princess Bride

23. Least favorite food? Fried food... I really dont like fried food at all. I try to avoid it.

24. Quick! You have only one meal left before you die!!! Lobster tails, with oysters and a side of authentic New England Clam Chowder... and sushi... and anything seafood, actually.

25. What do you drive/wish you drove? My dream car when I was younger was a VW Bug... but lately I have been salivating over the Ford Fiesta.

26. Most disliked bug? Those desert crickets that look like spiders, and they look like something from outer space.

27. Most hated pet peeves? Invasion of personal space, spouting opinions based on lies, nagging and harping on things, mumbling.

28. Dislike in life? That Im alone...

29. Most annoying? The train going behind my house and blaring its horn every hour on the hour.... especially at 4am...

30. Most disliked TV show? Survivor, Jersey Shore, Housewives...

In March, an 85 year old woman died from her injuries after being beaten to death by a small group of Black men performing a home invasion. One of the men who beat her and her husband was charged with murder. http://www.fox23.com/content/crime/.....wxuA2BJbA.cspx

Fast forward to Good Friday, April 6. Two white men in a pickup truck start shooting Black people, killing three and wounding two. They are considering it a hate crime. http://www.fox23.com/news/state/sto.....8LY-nS6hw.cspx

I get the law... "A person has to go out with the INTENT of killing an individual because of their race. ethnicity, gender, and religion."(Notice I didnt say sexuality, that's because its Oklahoma and in Oklahoma they hate gay, bisexual and transgendered people.)

While the two men went out with the intention to kill black people, the black group of men had no intention of killing the white couple.

Excuse me? How do you know? How do you know these group of men didnt go out and intend to hurt/kill this elderly couple because they were white? How do you know that they decided to "kill the honkies". Granted, that is putting words in their mouths, but still?

This is where I disagree with the Hate Laws.

Because isnt every crime acted in hate? When a white guy beats the crap out of another white guy because he was looking at his girl, isnt that out of hate? When two gang members kill each other because one was Crips and the other Blood, isnt that out of hate?

We cant pick and choose. Every crime that ends with an individual killed or hurt is a product of hate.

I recommend watching an episode of South Park called Cartman's Silly Hate Crime 2000. The perfect speech about hate crime being a savage hypocrisy is right on the money.

But the funniest part is, even under the hate law statute, the two men who commited the "hate crime" would serve the EXACT amount of time if they were charged with three counts of murder and two attempted murders.

Since Furaffinity refuses to post my pictures, I will direct those that desire to look at my photos to my tumblr... http://blueberryjellybean.tumblr.com/

There will be absolutely no submissions from me or any art of me anytime soon.

I know its not perfect, but its something I threw together.

Work

My back aches, my feet hurt,
Is that mustard on my shirt?
They say they’re right, but I know they’re wrong,
My headache is starting to grow strong.
My glasses are streaked, my hair needs a comb,
Just two more hours until I go home.
A plastered smile upon my face,
I may just make it at this pace.
My feet still hurts, my back aches more,
I just want to get out of this store.
Five more minutes before I leave,
Now there’s ketchup on my sleeve.
And just when I think I may survive,
Oh my gods, is that someone in drive?
Their list is long, the order complex,
Maybe this isnt worth the paychecks.
Finally they are gone, the night is done,
I may hurl if I smell bacon.
I flop on my chair, a beer in my hand,
I pop the button on my waistband.
Time to relax, time to enjoy,
Time to get rid of all things that annoy.
Im finally relaxed, Im here to stay.
Until its time to work another day.

Written by Nicole Bush 2012

For the past couple days I have had this sharp pain in my stomach. Not really my lower stomach, but upper part on my left side. I think it will be gas, Ive read about it. Not that I am self diagnosing... but to be less than tactful (And anyone who knows me knows that I am never really all that tactful) it feels like if I can let a really good one rip, I would feel SOOOOO much better.

I know it may not be anything other than the fact that I need to rip one that would make a 7.2 earthquake feel like a tiny rumble. But since my surgery in August, I have been a bit paranoid. All I know is that I cant have an obstruction because I am... to be unladylike, making my presence known. But squeakers aren't going to cut it... no pun intended.

On another note, I hate summer. Im already suffering from my personal summers, now I have to deal with actual summer. And there is not enough ice in the arctic to keep my cool....

I broke up with my RL boyfriend a couple weeks ago. Or so I thought. It seems that in his mind, we broke up a few MONTHS ago. He just "forgot" to let me know until I was the one that brought it up a couple weeks ago. I mentioned that he hasnt said he loved me in almost three months... and if that was when he realized he didnt want me anymore. He said... "Yes..." I said... were you going to tell me? His response... "I was busy! I forgot!" *blinks* He forgot? Like I was some library book he FORGOT to drop off? Even after I text messaged him EVERYDAY.

And then, during lunch today... I got messaged by who I thought was him. Nope, it was his girlfriend. No, I take that back. His Fiancee. Evidently he has a habit of forgetting to break up with people before starting to date another.

So not only did he "forget" to break up with me. He "forgot" to tell me he was engaged and or dating someone.

So it begs to question... What else did he forget to tell me?

Needless to say... I was pissed. And now? Not so much pissed at him, but pissed at myself for falling for the BS.

Let this be a lesson, kiddos. When it comes to relationships... dont forget anything. Because I am a huge believer in Karma. And Karma is a tall drink of water with spiky heels she likes to grind in testicles...

So evidently I am not allowed to upload a screenshot of my character of Belize from Second Life. It seems it messes with some user agreement or something. So if anyone wants to see it, just let me know and I can send you to the website.