Yep.. Switching to a new one.. I am now..
 HavokMutt
Just figuring out who I am and.. going through some things.. Benjii has never been what I go by and it irritates me I'm sorry

Anyone?
Gamertag: Shepsturr (real original I know..)
I'll try to get my mic working I swear..

Alright so.. the name on this account isn't actually my 'fursona name' (I don't even have a name for that..) its just a name to be honest.. when I started my transition I wanted to change my name to Benji then it became a nickname and it stuck at that time I was just looking into this community and well.. here I am..

Yeah.. some stuff happened but I'm back.. with a new fursona? that actually matches my gamertag and everything else (Shepsturr.. original right?.. not really but I love it) so.. Surgery postponed to August 22nd I got sick with a bad flu two days before.. Phone consultation in 4 days for lower surgery so I'll be fully transitioned in a year or two.. other than that I'm really getting into music.. bought an acoustic guitar then electric even a microphone (AT2020).. I'm still growing (literally went from like 5'5" to 5'9" in two weeks) so I can't get a fursuit yet.. maybe the head but other than that.. no

So thinking about getting a partial soon.. and I need a reference sheet to do that right? So if theres anyone good and kinda cheap (currently on a budget) comment the name ..please?

Surgery is in 2 months... Double incision top surgery and full hysterectomy February 27th.. Excited yet depression and dysphoria will still be around ..and now I have to decide between metoidioplasty and phalloplasty and theres no one I can talk to about it besides my surgeon ..No one should deal with these struggles and stresses at this age.. no one understands the thoughts going through my mind.. I just need help and comfort.. people who know what they are talking about when it comes to this topic ..it also doesn't help that I'm too skinny for phallo.. so it'll be my mom being the donor...

ITS OFFICIAL 2 MONTHS FROM NOW I will have top surgery and full hysto done with ...then we start discussing bottom surgery.. fun times BUT 2 MONTHS and I'm free from these binders and etc... HOWEVER.. I will be doing a binder giveaway I believe its a small white tritop binder from ftm.underworks

Yep yesterday I turned 15 which means 11 years of gaming today but sadly.. thats all over now.. so I have 300 dollars and I was thinking I don't know ..fursuit head? But usually they're $400+ ..Know anyone who might for 300?

Most likely selling my limited edition mw3 xbox360 with intercooler and all of my games.. All it does is piss me off also gaming alone for a year or two isn't fun.. so basically screw this..

So my b-day is coming up in two weeks and since I can't get my tattoo now because I have 80% chance of hepatitis.. I basically have 250 dollars and nothing to spend it on.. So.. I was thinking I could get maybe my fursuit head but then I checked prices and most are 300+ so what now?

We've (My mom and I..) been discussing this for a while now and its officially that we're moving out of central California.. Most likely around San Francisco since all of my appointments are around there and I'm getting all of my surgeries done there too.. I've moved around a lot but for some reason this is impacting me the most.. hell even moving to Montana and back didn't really effect me but for some reason this is.. But yeah.. Moving to San Francisco.. Basically going north

This might actually be longer than most of my other posts..
So.. over 10 months ago I came out as FtM transgender and to keep it short lost my girlfriend, lost 18 friends, gained a few back and well.. 2 or 3 months later I lost my dog ..Which was the final blow I suppose and its just spiraled down from there.. I barely leave my room.. what used to be hobbies such as gaming and etc I don't do anymore and now I'm beginning to think is it being lonely or just lost ..Maybe depression taking over.. I don't know I just want someone to game with and maybe family or something

Bourbon
Whiskey
Dublin
Cybil (From Silent Hill)
Roscoe
Bruno
Jack Daniels aka JD

Notice how most of it is alcohol... Yeahhh.. I really wanna be a bartender.. Heh anywho thats all for now =D

Yeah.. I started thinking and Benjii... Ehhhh... I don't think it goes with me anymore I'm not.. Attached I guess.. maybe I just feel ..distant or something ..What do you think?

So.. The things I hate most (Not exactly..) are coming up.. 1. Thanksgiving which I only like for the food.. 2. My birthday 3. Christmas
Why do I hate those things? Well ..I don't like receiving money or presents for my birthday (I get like 250 dollars and nothing to really spend it on.. so to those reading TAKE MY MONEY meaning I shall send notes asking for either reference sheet, icons, and what not so thank you in advance) or Christmas I don't have family to celebrate with or friends.. Its just boring and I think its because I had to grow up fast O_o oh well

Still need an icon don't want to pay $5+ D:

My Evil Side:
() You have made a little kid cry
(x) You have threatened someone and meant it seriously
(x) You have beat someone up
() You have stolen money from someone
(x) People have called you a brat
( ) You spend all of your time bossing people around
(x) You have wanted someone/something to die
( ) You have killed someone
(x) You yell a lot
(x) You have punched someone
() You have stolen something from the store
( ) You push people around a lot
(x) You wear a lot of black
( ) You hate the light
(x) You swear a lot
( ) You are always breaking the rules
( ) You have skipped school
(x) At school you are a bully
(x) You get mad easily
(x) You have tons of enemies
(x) You barely have any friends
( ) You lie a lot
(x) You hate school work more than anything
( ) You pull tons of pranks on people
( ) You think it's funny when people die
( ) You like making people suffer
( ) You love blood
(x) You know how to shoot a gun
(x) You have called someone stupid
(x) You like horror movies
(x) You like violent things
( ) You have attempted to kill someone
( ) You love the sound of screaming
( ) You are happy when people are injured - only certain people or if they get hurt doing someting stupid and funny
Total: 17
Multiply it by 4
So I'm 68% evil

SPOILER AND RANT ALERT



I saw Silent Hill Revelation today... and... Well here we go..

They fucked up in the beginning automatically saying that Heather used to be Cathy instead of Cheryl... they also said shes turning 18 when in the game she's only 16.. Also the thing under her white vest (I believe its actually a turtleneck) is orange NOT RED
There was no action she used a gun twice.. pyramid head got the boss fight and chopped Claudias head off there was no Heather defeating her after turning her into the evil she is by falling through a hole after swallowing a red stone making her throw up a fetus... lmao
The lying body, nurses, and even Robbie the Rabbit got a SMALL part ..So did Dahlia when they are big parts (Not Robbie really but still..) in the games..
And it seems that Alessa all of a sudden has completely BLACK eyes? Since when was this added?
They ALSO killed Douglas (The detective) off RIGHT IN THE BEGINNING.. C'mon really?
The list goes on..
So to sum it up its okay for basically newcomers to the Silent Hill 'fandom' or just all in all horror movie enthusiast other than that ..Not really in my opinion =/

I really wanted to go trick or treating this year or at least do something..
The problem is a costume and its between slenderman and robbie the rabbit from silent hill 3
Now heres the problem.. I'm on a 40 dollar budget =D
Yeah.. So no trick or treating or anything this year... Why do I need a costume?
I'm uncomfortable with myself as it is being transgender and all.. If I had my fursuit that'd be it every year for the rest of my life but once again budget..
Any Ideas?

So.. I posted this on IMVU..
"My anger controls me it consumes me
and its hard to believe
I'm come so far just trying to succeed
but now I'm failing
and depression slowly takes the lead
This anger and depression slowly takes control of me
It gets harder and harder to even see the light at the end of the tunnel
The one thing that I chase gets farther and farther away
Success and my Dreams which are beyond normal teens
I'm crawling in my skin with all these people around me dating and smoking weed
While I sit here and think how the universe came to be..
No one else gives a damn
All they care about is YOLO and "Swag"
Intelligence is non-existent
Friends slip away
I'm 'dissing' everything they follow which is the trends of today
Take me back to 1980s I'll be happier that way
But since theres no time machine give me back my friends, give me back my games, take away this evil depression and stress, let me be a regular teen...
I'll still have my scars.. I'll still hold my pride.. I won't be 'Trans Enough' but I'll at least have what normal human beings need to survive
Its been ten months and everyone says "You'll make new friends!" as they leave.. But what if I make nothing and depression drags me down.. Medication won't do sh*t.. What do you think of me? Am I just a clown?.. I'm writing this to feel free, I'm writing this to survive on the last thing that I have that'll never leave me or die.. My intelligent and creative mind which it seems society is blind to and its not seen by the average eye ..Just like me you see.. I'm far from your average guy.. So take a chair, sit down, and prepare yourself for the ride.. Maybe have a cup o' joe.. Since that's the average.. That truly meets the eye"

After I posted that I felt a little bit better so I decided to play MW3 since I haven't in a while..
Lets just say I raged and turned it off.. and got even more depressed and stressed than I already am..
So I decided to post on here..
In the last 10 months I lost all of the friends I used to game with, a girlfriend, my dog (had to be put down due to cancer), and now I'm failing school.. on top of all of this is my transition ..I'm FtM transgender.. and out of the 18 friends I lost at least half of them was because of that.. same with the girlfriend.. plus she decided to go run off with some 30 year old on xbox and is most likely pregnant by now so OH WELL BACK TO THE POINT..
I'm only 14 dealing with all of this and have barely any friends and really am starting to wonder how I deal with all of this? Today or.. yesterday happened to be my 4 months on T I'm getting top surgery and a full hysterectomy (I have Ovarian Cysts so why not just cut it out?) February 27th so I can go back to school since I've been homeschooled for 4 years after being almost bullied to death in a little town called Exeter.. Now I'm really wondering how and why I deal.. also I'm realizing how alone/lonely I really am.. Basically a cry for help or some kind of friendship I suppose.. I just wish the people I used to game with and talk to were still here.. Maybe I wouldn't be this way..