Dear Goodness, it's been a long time since this Shy Bird got himself out some and decided to get out and about the community a bit x.x But it's nice to return to some roots in my life after such a long time!

Just saying to those who have watched and been very supportive of me in this long road I call life, I thank you for helping to come out of my shell little by little, wiser each time and a little more learned from all the experience <3

So basically. Life is actually handing me a chance. A chance I probably will not be able to take again, so I'm considering it indefinitely. Basically, My life has been crap for a few years, Until I managed to land a job. It's been great since then, and I've been proving to be quite a capable worker. I get my stuff done, I have little complaints when asked to do something, even if it cuts into my time, and I'm rather quick. And because of it, my Bosses have seen potential, which means I'm literally sitting on a promotion. The sad thing is, due to transportation issues and time issues, I'm quite strapped, meaning that it would be a slight problem for me to get to work and back at the proper times. HOWEVER, if I manage to save correctly and dig into my finances, It's very possible that I could get around this. It's going to take a bit of thought and a little bit of math, but I'm very sure that this is an opportunity I would rather not have slip away. Considering it means more money and a little less stressful environment ( but still pretty stressful if it's busy... ), then I'd love to take it.

Wish me much luck. Also, finally going to get an actual phone, television, and a rather nice internet connection soon. If it's at all possible, I'd love to take the opportunity of promotion and invest in one of my current dreams, getting the equipment to start doing a ''Let's Play!'' Series. I cannot explain how badly I'd love to do this, as I love to make people laugh, and cheer up anyone who is in distress or going through rough times. If I can bring a smile to someone who's in pain and make it go away for them, then I feel I have done a good thing. Let's all hope for the best and see if this penguin can't finally make his dreams come true!

I feel completely confused, and I realize what kind of weirdo I must seem to be towards other people. Perhaps I overstep boundaries, or perhaps I'm just not a social enough person to really grasp a concept of how to act? Considering I've spent most of my life as the quiet, timid type who saw being intellectual better then being incredibly burly or manly like a dudebro or a jock has made me more reclusive. I also seen to notice how truthful it is that despite how much I try to be wise, it usually ends with frustration and failure. Considering I've made choices in my life which have put me where I am now, it leaves me to realize I could have done so much better, and that I wasted so much energy and time doing the stupidest of things. Then again, looking back, I don't seem them as stupid. Is spending time with the people you care about and love, your friends you'd rather spend time with actually enjoying life better then spending my time wasting away in a building for 8 hours attempting to grasp something that I'd never use in my life really worth it? Was it really important? When I think about everything, it brings back both good and bad memories. Sometimes I wish I could correct the mistakes in my life, but I realize that they've taught me a good deal. In the end, I suppose it's shown me that life is what you make it, and that it'll teach you all kinds of lessons that will leave you either happy and content, or reeling with pain and grief. One of the lessons I was taught growing up was to never judge without understanding. In order to understand what it is you're judging, it's best to look at every angle before deciding for yourself.

I suppose in my current mindset, there are a few people I'd like to apologize to... And I'm sure that if they're reading this, they know who they are... I feel so stupid. Causing Pain or discomfort is the last thing I'd ever want for anyone... I'm the kind of person who'd rather suffer then let others suffer. Of course, this is just a rant, and I don't know any better. In any case, those who read this, thank you for your time and patience...

So... yeah. I cleaned out the backyard pond today, and it was disgusting. I mean, holy shit dude, I have NEVER taken a shower hotter then today. Anyway, that's not important.


My very good friend http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/3630626/ would like it ever so much if you guys could help him out. He's in a tough spot currently, and really would appreciate your help. Guy's got some awesome musical talent, and he'll make it sound pretty just for you <3 So if you could give a little bit of your love to him, that'd be awesome of you.

Thanks, and keep on trucking, Furs!

I'm a complete nut for all things that are eastern. Most of the decorations in my own bedroom are things from eastern influence, from the buddha's, the pagoda lanterns, all the way down to the Ganesha fountain and the various fans I have. But I arranged them all so they'd bring in good ''Chi'' flow, and it's very harmonious sitting in here. However, I read that when your living room is open, you should make the seating arrangement in a sort of Hexagon shape. Now usually, my dad can be a pretty tired and slightly grumpy guy, and I don't blame him. Dealing with stupid people and dozens of screaming kids at a school for 9 hours each day would definitely wear down on me, but ever since we arranged the living room into a sort of hexagon shape, he's not been at all grumpy or even irritated. It could be because I'm actually doing more chores then I used to, but I'd like to think that following the feng shui book book I had really turned things around for us. Hopefully it can stay this way and we can all be happy.

In other news, I've been wanting to find work so I can get some $$$ for myself again. I'd like to start saving up so I could start getting the things I'd like to get. First, would to be to pay off an old hospital bill. Second, Pokemon Black 2.

I have never been more excited for a pokemon game in my entire life. I mean, the preview was just fantastic, and it already has me hooked. Why can't the pokemon Anime in the states be more like the anime scenes they used for the game? I mean, if that WAS the anime, instead of following Ash and Pikachu around, I'd have a Pokefan conniption fit every day loving how awesome it'd be.

In any case, Have fun, Be safe, and stay awesome, all furs and humans alike.

Today was too awkward.... Kinda glad I can just write these down. Seeing as how almost no one but me reads these.

I stayed up way too late last night, and woke up with a killer head ache. I don't know why. I tried to take a nap during the day, but things just keep getting thrown back at me. I hate my luck. It's been nothing but a string of catch 22's that I can't seem to escape from.

First, Our Fireplace flue was clogged. After attempting to put a piece of wood on the hot charcoals of the fire, I left the fireplace door just a sliver cracked so that I could get better airflow. The cinders wouldn't escape because the crack was too small, but due to the clog, it backed up the smoke and filled the entire house at exactly 1 in the morning. Unfortunately for me, I had to stand there like an idiot with two electric fans blowing it out the open door, which let in the cold and made the house even colder then it already was. This, of course, Pissed off pops, and we sort of had an argument for two days about it.

And today, I learned that without a proper bank account, I can't cash the Cashier's clerk I got in the mail from my friend to pay the internet bill. So basically, I got screwed over. I now will owe the damn internet company $80 just to keep service. I keep getting slammed with all kinds of things that seem to just be pushing me back and ruining my holidays. I can't be happy. what's even worse is that when the clerk asked me if I was the right age, I said yes. Thing is, I'm a bit older then the age she asked. So not only did I make a complete fool of myself by filling my house with smoke, and forgetting my own damn age, We went shopping and then I was so damn shocked and disappointed in myself, I went blank and made a fool of myself at the shopping center.

I don't know if what happened is because of just a bad luck string, tiredness, or the fact my brain probably has a damn tumor, or it's rotten, but it seems that lately, I can't really care or focus on anything. I seem to be stuck in a rut. Screw these damn times and screw whatever I did to deserve such bad luck. Perhaps it's time for a new change.

So my holidays weren't all the super glamoured up perfection that most find them to be, and I must say with the lack of money we have, when I do get a present, I don't hesitate. I don't wait an extra few days to open it, I just go right for it. Luckily for me I got a few things.

What I wanted:

16 Ounce bag cherry Cavendish pipe tobacco or a pack of Menthols

Ultimate Marvel Vs Capcom 3

Socks

What I got instead:

Complete grooming kit

Ultimate Marvel Vs Capcom 3 *Mission complete!*

Gilette shaving kit.

So In all, I got the game I wanted, but not the other things I'd like to have. Still I'm happy I even got the game, thanks to my wonderful friend <3

Hopefully, I can make a few phone calls tomorrow and see if I can't get a visit from my brother or a few other friends so I can get it some practice on it. I'd really love to see how well I can play against real players.

In other news, I have to say I'm feeling sort of bored, even with the fantastic new game I got. I feel sort of apathetic I guess. Perhaps it's my longing to have money to do with as I please, plus a few other things that I have on my mind.... I'll see what I can't do fix a few sneaking problems that are slowly starting to get to me. Perhaps what I really need is a nice walk or a day over at my grandparents to just kind of take a day to myself.

Happy Holidays, furs.

I'm sitting here burning a cone incense in my new Buddha incense holder I received from my cousin yesterday, and I can't thank him enough. It's beautiful, and goes good on my Alter with all the other Buddha statues, etc, as well as smoking as I'm typing this. So here's my thoughts lately.

Lately... I've been feeling bored, and alone. It seems like a petty whine and cry out, but I had to go through a few things.

First, I'd like to say that moving back in with dad was a good Idea. My brother and I were always bickering about one thing or another, and even though I was welcome in his home, I missed being in the mountains. I've lived with Dad in this house for many years, and I guess it kinda grew on me. I love stepping outside into the night to watch as the pale moon lights up the surrounding snow covered mountains that turn the sky a beautiful blue. It's indescribable, and it's simply gorgeous. But in the end, He has his own life. His Wonderful wife and my sister in law, soon to make me an uncle again with their beautiful child, Jude. I can tell he's gonna be a great kid. But I knew that living with him and her, I'd just get in the way of their parenting. I have no place there telling them what to do. They have their lives. I thought of what I could do to help others instead.

So I moved back in with dad, Seeing as how he's getting on in years. He turned 48 last month, and I can tell he and my uncle terry are getting slowly worse with the things they abuse. Luckily for my dad, he managed to catch on before it got too bad. He went in for surgery, and had his gallbladder removed. He doesn't wake up and hack up bile like he used to, which I'm glad for. But not everything is all happy and dandy in the world of Benji.

While he was on his scheduled sick leave for recovery time after surgery, the stupid secretary pulled an ''Oops!'' And screwed up his time sheet. In turn, it cost my Dad $540 from his paycheck. We were miffed about it quite a bit.

((There goes Christmas!))

And now, turning to the weather, The cold up here is intense. Unfortunately, Our heaters broken, so we can't turn on the stat. Luckily, we have a fireplace. Unfortunately (For me, at least! x3) I have to bring in firewood. It's sometimes a hassle, but it's fun to move around and at least get good exercise.If there's one thing that annoys me, It's the fact I have to sleep with a robe on to stay warm, but then again, I do get to enjoy the comfortable feeling of a fluffy robe.





In other news, Things for my family are going kinda rough...

They say winter is a time of loss, and it couldn't be truer. on October 15th, My Uncle Harold passed away in his sleep in the hospital. He was 90. He served honorably In World War II in the 158th Army Air Drome Squadron as a communication corpsman and spoke of flying over the hump (the Himalayas) many times in large cargo and bomber planes.


Now this is where I wonder to myself if I'm heartless...

My mother's sister, Glenda, Passed away a few years before My uncle Harold. The this is, While Glenda was my mother's twin sister... My uncle Harold was my Grandpa's brother. I was a Pallbearer at my aunt Glenda's funeral... And I attended My Uncle Harold's funeral... But something bothered me deeply...

At both of the funerals... I didn't cry. I didn't shed a tear. Not so much as a sniffle. I showed my deepest condolences with respect and solemnly, but I felt terrible because... I had never really got to meet Either of them. I never knew them well enough to feel that sorry, to be able to cry. And I wonder to myself, ''What am I, that I cannot show emotion, even in the most saddening of times?''

I let that thought linger before I pushed on to other things.

I guess I feel alone because I don't have many friends to hang out with out here with dad, seeing as we live so far from town. Most of my best friends have moved away, leaving me behind in the little rail town, but I don't mind so much. I know that they have their lives to live, and I can't pin them down. But I do wish I had at least one of them here to hang out with.

I'm happy for my sister. She finally managed to get herself into the clear on all the debts for this month, and she's steadily working towards her goal on trying to learn something new and to be successful. I really hope that it will bring her much happiness and that she can become stable enough to support her and my niece.

And life seems to keep playing little quips and games with me. I feel somewhat ashamed of myself. My awful wireless kept dying and dying, and getting a connection out here was like standing in a line of 30 when there's servings for 10. The chance I'd get anything would be very small, and even then, it was only a small portion. Not having a job, I had to rely on my very loving and wonderful friend to help me pay for DSL. I gotta say I do love it, and love being able to check up on everyone to see how they're doing.

I managed to visit my cousins yesterday. It had been the first time in about 3-5 years that I have been out to their house and spent the night. It was strange and a little difficult to sleep, being away from home, but I managed. My cousin was nice enough to give me an extra Buddha for my alter, and I was pleased about that. But once again, Winter proves that it's about loss.

As soon as I got home, I had the house clean. Dishes, Done. Floor, swept and mopped. Fire, going. House, warm. Everything was literally perfect, except for the vacuuming I forgot to do. Dad steps in the door, and even though I LEFT him a note explaining where I had been the previous night, he's still a little miffed I didn't get anything out for dinner. I should have anyway, regardless. He said to make something for myself, so I decided, ''I can do that. He can still cook.'' Not 5 minutes after he jumps into his relaxation clothes to take it easy after a hard day at work, The landlady shows up looking nervous and flustered, and hands my dad a ''Notice To Quit'' Letter.

In other words, It basically said. ''Hey you. Yeah you, the people who live in this lot. You have exactly until January 10th of next year to Fix your skirting on your home, and apparently Resign a lease that states we live here, even though we've lived here for 10 FUCKING YEARS, Or you have to pack up everything, Trailer included, and GTFO.''

So Now I'm stressed over this. I know it's not a big deal, But honestly, the thought of moving away from this place tears at my heart. I couldn't just up and move somewhere else. I have lived in this town all my life. It's home. It's part of me. I know that one day, I may have to move and leave this town, to go elsewhere to branch out. And even though I think my dad is just teasing, when he said ''I'm about ready to just pack up and move to yadda yadda.'' It really did worry me. I have everything I need set up here, and I'm happy. I'm comfortable. But someone decided to rip open a nice present, take a shit in it, and hand it back to me, metaphorically speaking.

So Tomorrow, I've decided I've had it. I'm tired of this years last attempts to give me shit and make me miserable. You wanna play the ''Good Karma, Bad Karma''? Game? I've done things that have been good and very pleasing to me lately. I'm not going to let the Winter loss take what I have away. As a resident of where I live, I'm going to take it up with my Landlady. I'll ask her about the lease, and even bother to go so far as to ask for replacement skirting for my house, since that seems to be the big issue.

Well, for those of you who read this, sorry for making you read so much. I love you all. May God, Buddha, or whoever you worship send their prayers to you, with speed. Take care! Benji Kun.

So yeah, I've finally decided that I want work for several reasons:

1: I miss the Money, and I could finally get out of Pop's place. It's about time I left, and I'm sure he wants me out as well.

2: I made a promise to several friends that they'd have a place to stay, considering they're stuck in places they'd rather not be when life decided to take a shit on them, and they'd rather be somewhere NOT where they are now.

3: I'd be closer to town, so work would be a snap to get to, instead of driving the 8-10 miles in, not that I even have a car...

Also, it'd get my mind off of certain things. I keep having bad flashbacks, and it's making me irritable, which wears down on me along with other members of my family. Personally, if I could, I'd ask most of my friends to stay with me. There are several people I'd love to actually visit and see, and if they're reading this, I think they can guess who they are. But with the economy in shambles, and people looking for experienced workers, it's a little ridiculous. I mean, What's the point of people who are hiring workers if they just want experienced people and don't give others a chance?

Even if I do have restaurant experience, they want chefs, which I've only had minor experience in. C'mon people, give me a chance ._.

Anyway, I've been trying, hoping to stick a job at the local shops.... I may not have sales experience, but I know every damn thing about the products they're selling. Isn't it ironic that someone who knows everything about it has less a chance of getting hired then the experienced person who doesn't know half of what they're selling?

Enough ranting for now, just thought I'd express myself for a bit. Wish me luck, people.