I swear. I even put up a few poems! See? If you like my poetry, you should go check it out. Thanks in advance! :D

I know not many people follow me or anything, but in case people who'd like to meet me are going to Anthrocon, here is some info (detail list from a friend's post)

Where are you staying?
Days Inn Pittsburgh (short cab ride away from con)

What day are you getting there?
Night of July 8th

How are you traveling?
Flying there from Alaska, my home

Who are you rooming with?
No one, all by my lonesome.

Who will you hang out with during the convention?
Primarily and , and their groups of friends.

How is the best way to find you?
I'm a tall, skinny white guy with a bright blonde mohawk. I shouldn't be too hard to spot. Otherwise, I can't really help ya there :P

Are there any panels you might be attending?
Not specifically. Pretty much wherever my two friends go, and I'll be bouncing back and forth between them

What do you look like?
Year old pic on my profile, though soon to update it

Will you be suiting?
Nope

Do you do commissions?
Nope

What is your gender?
Male

How tall are you?
6'0"

Can I talk to you?
Of course, though make sure to introduce yourself (and sorry if I don't recognize you right away, as I have a terrible memory ><)

Can I touch you?
Not without asking first

How can I find you?
By sight, based on my description above and pic on my profile

Can I visit your room?
Nope, unless you're paying for my cab rides

Can I buy you drinks?
Not alcoholic ones, and always best to ask what drink I would like (I'm very picky about food)

Are you nice?
I'd like to think so :3

How long are you going?
Entire con

Do you have an artist table?
Nope

Will you be performing?
As part of the con or before an audience? Nope. I will probably be randomly singing and dancing to music when I hear it (though very poorly)

If I see you, how should I get your attention?
Call me by name (I respond to Scorch or Sunshine). Also, walking up and saying hi works.

Where will you be most of the time during the day/s?
Tugging along with the two above mentioned friends.

What/where will you be eating?
No fucking clue :D

Can I come with you for food/fun/etc?
Ask first

Can I take your picture?
Certainly, though please be nice about it

What's your goal(s) for the con this year?
Really just using the con as an excuse to hang out with the two above mentioned friends. So that's pretty much just my goal.


Also, if you have any questions for me about his con, feel free to ask me here! :D

Whelp, haven't been on here much lately. Life keeps me busy, I suppose.

Quitting one shitty job, starting another job soon (hopefully better).

Finally get to meet this awesome fox

Also, likely going to be one of the MANY going to Anthrocon. Hopefully I'll have a good time there, though I doubt I'll be seeing many people I know there. The goal is to meet up with two people, so as long as I accomplish that I'll be happy.

Needless to say, 2015 looks to be a great year for me so far! Let's keep it goin. :D

So, because my depression is all acting up again, flared up by personal lovesickness stuff and daily loneliness, it took a really dark turn tonight.

Needless to say, I highly doubt I'd ever even attempt to take my own life, but I can't stop my mind from going there every once in a while. It's just a part of depression that I've got to live with.

So the one thing I think that's keeping me from actually taking my life isn't the years I'd miss after I was gone. It wouldn't be the life I could have lived. The thing that is stopping me is knowing the impact that it would have on the world around me.

So, among my dark thoughts, I evaluated this.

Roughly 300-400 people would be affected by my suicide. This includes past classmates, teachers, distant family, friends, close family, close friends, coworkers, and any random people professionally involved. Maybe more because of that last kind of personnel.

About 200 of these people would probably be sad that I specifically was gone from this world.
About 50-60 people would find their lives difficult because I had taken my own life.
Probably at least half of these might need to see therapy because of it.
There are roughly 20 people who would be devastated by my suicide, probably 10 or so of them might never recover, and about 5-6 of them might take their own lives as a result. Though, those same people would know that I would never want that of them.

While there is the shock value of how many people would be affected, there's also the dark value of how LITTLE people are affected. I mean, I could maybe see 500 people TOPS affected by my suicide. When I die someday, what will I leave behind? If I died tragically tomorrow, suicide or not, what would be left behind? What kind of life have I led? How many people would suffer over my death, and for how long? I know it seems like both a lot and a few, but the figures only feed into the insignificance that I feel for myself. Like, no matter how special I am to a few, where it really counts, I still feel so utterly small. I've always felt that I could do more with myself, and these figures just make me feel like that barrier stopping myself is lessened, though only slightly.

And still, the knowledge that roughly 10 or 20 people might never get over my death... The key word in my mind is MIGHT. Because I believe that no matter the circumstances of my death, people would move on. And I would be remembered, though probably only distantly.

Dear Customer:

Just a helpful reminder that we are human beings too. No, we're not perfect, and we make mistakes too. And while that may inconvenience you, we do apologize for that, and we don't treat you like dirt when you make mistakes (which you do, because like us, you're human). Also, please keep in mind that while we do make mistakes, keeping calm and working with us instead of getting angry and blaming us will actually make things go faster, believe it or not. And just because it's easier for you to take it out on us and blame us for something that may not even be our fault, doesn't mean you should.
Remember, we are here to serve you, but we're not your servants.

(P.S.: There is no need to give us dirty looks when we inform you of a policy. There are certain things we cannot do, and doing some of these things will cost us our jobs.)

Thank you
-Everyone Who Works in Customer Service

It's getting to the point where I've got too many friends. So many that I can't seem to find time for them all. Need to find a way, because these are all people I care about, not just some random passersby.

I will admit, I've been focusing a lot on the friends I've got up here in Alaska (which is kind of a lot now ><)

I haven't been in great touch with my friends back in Montana or Oregon (places I've lived for several years in each).

However, the group that's gotten the least attention is my online friends. Part of that is inability, the other part is my lack of trying. I mean, I can honestly say that I've been really busy... But it wouldn't kill me to send out a text or message to some of them every once in a while. For several of them, it's been months since we've spoken. That's not okay on my watch. I should speak to each of them at least once a month to let them know that I'm doing okay.

Well, where there is a will, there is a way. I'll probably have to make a list and start going down it with people I haven't spoken to the longest period. Lots of apologies, but at least I'm doing excellent, so it's just good news on my end. :3

Anyways, for those of you who are my friends and are reading this, if I haven't gotten to you I'm sorry and know that you'll hear from me directly soon!

Take care everyone! :3

So yeah, Ive decided that relationships just arent for me. I dont need a mate to be happy. In fact, its better if I just stick with my friends. They give me all the happiness I need.

I dont think this is sad. If you feel pity for me at all I dont want to hear it. I think this is whats best for me and my happiness, so thats that.

Ive finally reached a point in my life where I am supporting myself and am doing great overall. Yet my depression is flaring back and only getting worse. Each day just gets harder and harder.

At a point in my life where I have more people that care about me than I know what to do with, Ive never felt more alone.

Ive finally found the person I know I want to spend my life with, but that person is taken, out of my reach.

I know I wont do it, but the thought of ending it all keeps lasting in mind, after 7 years of its absence. I'll simply keep trying to fight the darkness until it wins and I give up on myself entirely. Then I'll just exist as an empty husk, a burden to all of those who care about me.

And feeling good about life again. Will be posting pics, artwork, poetry, and stories more. Going to get into a habit of posting things again, and hope that all of my watchers enjoy! :3

No computer right now, will post when I can get back on. Take care everyone, and sorry for the inconveniences!

So, this is what my bf and I got to see at the zoo.

Hi-Light of our day:
https://www.dropbox.com/s/mpd2wo5gn.....er%20Video.AVI

I've decided to go through all the people I'm watching and who are watching me and fav all the things I like. So, if you happen to find a bunch of favorites from me when you log on, I'm just warning you of this.... and making sure you know I'm not a stalker! I swear! >.>

Here's the list of pokemon I have so far, in order of request. I will sketch them first, and then color them twice. The first coloring will be normal colors, the second coloring will be shiny coloring. I'll upload pics of each pokemon at each of the three stages. Thanks for doing this for me, guys and gals!

Umbreon - Sketched https://www.furaffinity.net/view/10096290/
Ditto - Sketched https://www.furaffinity.net/view/10096304/
Buizel - Sketched https://www.furaffinity.net/view/10096332/
Landorus - Sketched
Machoke
Beartic
Shaymin (Land)
Sylveon
Altaria
Pikachu
Budew
Lucario
Dunsparce

Slots are still available!
http://www.furaffinity.net/journals.....3/#jid:4413764

Okay, so I want to get back to drawing some things. One of the things I've always enjoyed drawing is Pokemon.

So, what I'm asking is this: Tell me a pokemon you'd like to see me draw, whether it's your favorite or not, and I will draw it and color it. I don't do digital art, just hand-drawn. I do have a camera now, though, so I'll upload the picture here.

I'm only taking 10 requests on SoFurry, and 10 requests on FurAffinity, so if you want to see me draw the pokemon, make sure to post it immiediately.

I won't be taking pose requests, just pokemon requests. It's my decision on how I draw the pokemon. It will be clean, non-adult art. This is basically practice and an excuse to get me back to drawing some. Check out my gallery for a few samples of my artwork. Please comment on what you want drawn, so everyone can see!

Thank you in advance for the help. Can't wait to see your answers!

Requests:
SoFurry:
1. Ditto - Anonymous
2. Machoke - Apalanic
3. Shaymin - Kate the Martin
4. Altaria - Rindle
5. Lucario - Laserslutboy
6. Dunsparce - Myval

FurAffinity:
1. Umbreon - Tyrse Styles
2. Buizel - Theo the Fox
3. Landorus - Laklen
4. Beartic - Riversidewolf
5. Sylveon - watera000
6. Pikachu - Suerpcool-Wolf
7. Budew - Zeta-Haru

Hey, I don't get the chance to thank you individually, but I do want to give a shout out to everyone who's watching me, for whatever reason. I really appreciate it, and I hope you like the poetry, short stories, and art that I post. Thank you, and keep up the comments and fav's, they really help me out! :3

There will be some art of me coming up soon, more than just the one piece so far. Just thought you should know, because I'm so excited. XP

Also, I will be getting part #8 of Troubles of Love finished soon, I know some of you are waiting for Eric and Theo to just get it on. ;)

I plan on trying to write a piece of poetry soon, as well, I'll get that up once I've got something written down. Shouldn't be too long, I've been in a poetry mood lately.

Anyways, thank you all for watching me, I really appreciate it, even if I don't say if very often. You guys/gals rock! :)

Some days are better than others. Today is one of those days.

Sure, I mean I still have that craving, that deep inner desire for love. But I'm learning to embrace who I am as a bisexual, and that changes will occur within me that I can't always control. I can deal with it more now.

I've re-connected with somefriends today. I finally located my old friend SmallTroubled. I haven't heard much from him since 8th grade. It was good to talk to him. His life isn't going so great for him right now, but no one's life is perfect. I can relate to that. I tried my best to cheer him up.

I also reconnected with MiddleSister, and got to hear about her and her two sibling's lives. I had been good friends with all three of them, and it was nice to catch up.

I talked with my friend Ruki for a bit, and found out that she is a furry too! She's a clean furry, but still, it was nice to know I shared that interest with one of my friends.

Each day is a new day, and I'm glad that my days have changed in a positive way.

~bhscorch

I'm not sure who's really even going to read this out there but here goes nothing...

I know I'm bisexual, but the concept still kinda freaks me out. I know that there's nothing wrong with me, and that it doesn't change who I am, yet I'm really confused because I have no idea how it happened.

I was straight, you see, until about a little under a year ago. I started getting interests and urges in guys, which was new to me, but I indulged myself a bit because I was curious. I've really only looked at furry art online, never actually had sex, but nevertheless my orientation changed. It happened over time, yet I was still caught by surprise. I got really confused because I didn't understand how it could happen. I kinda still don't, but now I accept that.

The real problem was that I knew I had to tell someone. It was overwhelming me, and I needed someone to be a light shining through the darkness helping me, listening to me and being there for me. I found that in one of my friends, Kuraku, (I'm going to use "codenames" to protect their anonymity, even though I doubt they'll ever get on a site like this. It's just I can talk about this comfortably when there is 0% chance that people can discover me or my friends. Moving on...) and he was totally understanding, a great listener, and he told me that he accepted me no matter who I was, because I was the same person. It was something I really needed to hear.

However, for me, telling one person wasn't enough. Sadly, it's a problem that I knew not a lot of people would understand, and my mother is one of those people. I hate keeping secrets from her, but at the same time she has no real reason to know, because I don't want it to hurt our relationship unless she does have a reason to know.

So I went ahead and told three of my other friends. Softvoiced is a very quiet, shy girl who also happens to be the girlfriend of Kuraku. I don't get to really talk to her a lot, so I'm not quite sure how she has taken it, but I've seen her a few times since and she hasn't acted any differently towards me. I also told my friend Lux, whom is also a friend of Softvoiced and Kuraku. He was very understanding, and told me that it didn't make a difference to him and I was still his friend and he cared about me. Finally, I told my friend Riku, and she was just as understanding as my other friends. She said that she accepted me and that I would always be her friend.

It made me really glad to know I have such great friends. Sometimes, I get really depressed and feel like no one cares about me, but then I hear things like that from them and I realize how much they truly care.

One of the things I also discussed with them, that I only talk about lightly and in as much anonymity as possible, is about this friend I had when I was around 10-12 (I'm 18 now). Long story short, he started out a good friend and became a horrible monster that physically beat me, socially alienated me, mentally/emotionally abused me, and he even coerced/forced me into having sex with him multiple times. His name is Deepfear. I was terrified of Deepfear, and I didn't know how to get away from him. Eventually, he moved away, and I was left broken and shattered.

I got help for most of the abuse that Deepfear dealt me, but I didn't tell a soul about how he sexually abused me for over 6 years. When I finally revealed it to Kuraku, he was horrified, but he was also there for me. It felt SOOOOOOOO good to finally tell someone! The feelings and confusion and horror had been eating away at me for all that time, and it was finally catching up with me. I think a lot of those pent up emotions caused for me to have a lot of issues I've noticed.

Such as my confusion in orientation. I have no idea if it's linked or not, but I don't know where I'm ending up and it scares me sometimes.

My fear of confrontation and trust issues. I have issues trusting people, and even sometimes I have an inner doubt about the people I trust the most, and it distresses me because I sometimes feel like I can't trust anyone.

My fear of my intimacy. I'm afraid of entering a relationship because I'm afraid of being rejected, being heartbroken even if we have a relationship that lasts a long time, and I'm also afraid that I won't be good enough for them. I'm 18, and I've never had a relationship, not even a shallow one, with anyone, ever; and sometimes I'm afraid that I'm going to be alone forever and that sometimes I think I deserve it.

That last one is sad, really, because my deepest inner urge that I can't control is for an intimate relationship. I crave love. I want to hold that special person and have them hold me and we embrace each other and kiss each other passionately and are always always there for each other and we love each other so strongly that nothing will ever tear us apart. I know I believe in that kind of love, but I don't believe that I'll ever experience it, no matter how much I long for it.

Well, if you read this, thanks I guess and sorry to have gotten so depressing, it's just the mood I'm in I guess. I guess I just feel so helpless and confused and uncertain and awkward and I just don't know what to do. This helps a bit. I'm not an overall depressing/negative person, I just have lots of down times, you know?

I cry for help sometimes but I guess I just don't expect an answer or even know how to get one, and sometimes I'm not sure if I even want help, and sometimes I do.

~bhscorch