So... Long time no see. :) I'm still here. Though it seems no one I know still is. 🤣 I miss my furry friends. May start posting arts again. Mebbe not. Dunno. Just saying hi. Miss all your lovely faces.
💖

[x] you meow/bark to get attention
[x] you find pets toys amusing
[x] you get hyper by the smell of catnip
[x] you growl/hiss when someone gets too close to your food
[x] you growl/hiss when someone you dislike is too close to you
[x] you purr/shake your leg when someone shows you affection
[ ] if someone tosses a ball, you chase it and bring it back
Total: 6


[x] you love to be scratched behind the ear
[x] you love fish/meat
[ ] you like to stick your head out through the window of a moving car.
[x] you like when people pet your head
[ ] people can make you stop doing stuff by hitting you on the nose with a newspaper
[x] you think feathers are fun to play with (Who wouldn't??)
Total: 4


[x] you sleep a lot during daytime
[ ] you enjoy scaring birds
[x] you lick peoples faces to show you like them
[x] you bite people if they annoy you
[x] you tend to steal food from your friends/family's plate when you have eaten all of yours
[x] milk or water is your favorite drink
Total: 5


[x] you own a collar and you enjoy wearing it
[x] you own a leash and enjoy wearing it
[x] you own animal ears/tail/paws or a fursuit
[x] you enjoy long walks in the park
[x] you meow/bark/purr when you see something you want
Total: 5


[x] you call your hands and feet "paws"
[x] you tilt your head when you do not understand what someone is talking about
[ ] you run to the door when someone mentions a walk
[x] you really enjoy cuddling
[x] you stretch your body and whimper a bit every morning when you wake up
[x] you can wake up and go back to sleep right away after looking around
Total: 5


[ ] you have your favorite spot besides your bed where you like to sleep
[x] you meow or bark very often
[x] you hide when you get scared
[ ] you run to the door to see who it is every time someone comes in to the house
[ ] you like to chase flying insects and try to catch them with your bare hand
[x] you tend to chew on stuff a lot
[ ] you like to do tricks to get a treat
Total: 3


[x] you own a wearable item/tag with your name on it
[x] you refer to yourself as an animal
[x] your username has something to do with animals
[x] your e-mail has something to do with animals
[x] if you get a bleeding wound, you lick it to make it feel better
[x] you look for edible stuff often
Total: 6


[x] you often find yourself looking through the window for a long time
[x] you like to say hi to strangers
[x] you like to be petted when you have done something good
[x] people think you act like a pet
[x] you growl/hiss at stuff you do not like
[ ] you like to eat grass
[x] if you get wet, you shake to get rid of the water
Total: 6

Overall total: 42
Total doubled to get percentage: 84%

I am 84% furry! Really? ONLY 84%? Hrm..... This thing must be off. lol

So yeah.... Life is still utterly complex, and stupid, and really getting to me..... The stresses of everything that's going on in our life is getting to the point my anxiety is starting to flare badly again.... I'm having the reoccuring nightmares again that I haven't had in almost 2 years.... I woke up last night almost in tears, ready to scream simply because of the nightmare I'd been having.... The nightmares I have suck in and of themselves, but then, they lock me in them. I will wake up anywhere from 2-8 times during the dream, trying to desperately get away from whatever the terror is, to only find that I'm STILL asleep.... I woke up 4 times in the dream last night before I actually hit consciousness... It's horrifying.... If you've never had the experience of being trapped in a nightmare like that, it's hard to understand, but it is EXTREMELY disturbing.....

Aside from all of that, the job situation is still not getting any better... I can't get commissions enough to come in to balance out our budget. Chance can't find a job no matter how hard he tries. I've put in so many applications myself, it's disgusting.... We're running out of time, and space to where we can actually cover everything.... We need some sort of work, and soon, or we're utterly screwed.... We were able to prevent our internet from being shut off a while back because of the graciousness of a friend... We managed to prevent our electricity from being shut off because magic, I guess. I'm not sure HOW the hell we managed that, but we did. Now, we're stuck in a financial trap where whatever bill that comes in next is just going to have to eat it. Regardless if it's electricity or what, we just can't pay it.... At the very least we have help with paying for food, so we can eat at the very least... We may end up having to go raw if we lose power, since nothing will keep, and we won't be able to cook... I just don't know what to do.... I really don't....

I'm so stressed out about everything, I just want to sit and cry half the time... I'm doing my best to just ignore the strain and just keep working on my commissions, and getting things done, and making progress, but I'm failing.... I'm falling farther and farther into an extremely nasty pit of depression, and I really don't know what to do... I feel like I'm drowning in life.... I feel hopeless... I feel like the life I want will never happen... It feels like I have no future, no hope, nowhere to go.... I feel trapped... I feel like I'll never succeed.... I feel like garbage...in every sense of the phrase/word.... I truly do.... I feel like I'll never be able to go back to school... I feel like no one will ever think I'm worth anything, or want to hire me... And even if they did, I feel like everyone would just abuse the crap out of me, just like every other job I've ever had.... I'm sick of being everyone's doormat, and now I"m afraid of it.... I'm worried my service dog isn't "service dog" enough, and she'll cause me to lose my job, even if I manage to get one... I need help training her, but don't have the money, or resources to do so..... I want to do so much in life, but I have no idea how to get from point A to point B... I don't know how to succeed anymore... I want to just wipe the slate clean and start over... Just try life again... But I know that isn't possible... I just have to find a way to succeed in life, but I don't know how to find that.....

I feel so utterly hopeless....

So, yeah.... Life... This thing I put up with.... Kinda sucks.... Oh no, don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for what I've got. But it's the what I don't have that's causing me serious problems. Like, a job. Like the fact that this may be the last journal from me for who knows how long, because we're probably going to lose electricity because we can't pay the heating bill. Or the fact that when we call up the people who're suppose to help broke folks like us, they "don't have any appointments". I'm sorry, what? How do you...? *sigh* Nevermind..... Logic.... What is this?

So.... I've also been trying like hell to get commissions.... It seems like every time I open commissions.... No one cares... I get trade requests instead.... I'm trying to live off these things, and I'm losing more money than I'm making. Sure, my commissioners get a hell of a deal, but I get screwed. I need to raise my prices, but can't afford to, because no one will buy from me if I do. I can't even sell premades! Every idea I come up with to make money, and try to be successful just falls flat on its face. I seriously just want to sit in the corner and cry my eyes out right now. I'm so damned depressed it's not even funny. Sure, I'm working on commissions. When I'm not crying, or having anxiety attacks, or anything else of the sort. Ever try creating when all you want to do is curl up and cry? Yeah... Any artist who's had the same problem knows EXACTLY what I'm talking about.... You can't create when your inspiration is dead because you are getting beaten to death by "life"...

I'm not going to sit here and beg for money, or go on an emergency commission thing. No one will listen anyway, so why should I even bother? I posted emergency journals when I was in the middle of fighting like hell to come up with money to survive when I was leaving my abusive husband, and not a DAMNED person responded other than, "Oh, that sucks, I'm sorry." One of the six harsh truths of life inclues something to the effect that people are lazy, and will do anything in their power to get out of doing anything. This includes sitting on their asses and saying things like, "Oh, I'm sorry, I'll pray for you", because then it absolves them of any guilt for not ACTUALLY helping the person. To be honest? I'd rather not get a metric tonne of "I'm so sorry, I hope things work out" comments, because all they do is crush me even worse, because I see the comments, I hop to my journal, just to find out someone else isn't going to help. Just like always, I'm stuck trying to figure this shit out on my own. Yeah, I have Chance. But there's only so much working together we can do. Putting our heads together and thinking isn't going to do crap for us when we don't have a magic money tree in the back porch vomiting hundred dollar bills.

"So stop being lazy and get a job, fur fag!" WHAT DO YOU THINK I'VE BEEN DOING SINCE WE GOT HERE?! I've applied for so many different jobs, I'm sick of typing my damned work history. I swear to christ, I'm sick of it! I really, really, REALLY want to make a living off these suits. I want to be like Beastcub, or Beetlecat, or DHC, or MFY.... I want to be able to live off my creations. Like Monoyasha, and Mushi Magic, Artslave, Media, Clockwork Creations, and all the others. I look at them, and I see their success, and I just want to cry. I know I can get there some day, but right now, we LITERALLY have nothing. The only positive in our lives are our pets, which FUCK YOU we aren't getting rid of, and they don't poo money either. I love my furry babies. They're half the reason I'm still semi-sa....Um.....Ok, they're the reason I don't spend ALL my time crying, since we all know I'm FAR from sane. Anyway, not the point. I want to be able to create for a living. I really do. I have stuff to create with. I can make premades and sell them. But all they do is sit on my shelf and collect dust. No one buys my premades, so why make them? What's the point? I'm wasting time and resources.

I'm just so sick of constantly worrying about whether or not we're going to be able to pay our bills each month.... Chance's phone has been D/C'd for I don't know how long, and the ONLY reason mine is still on is because my ex is being gracious enough to let me stay on his line, which cuts my phone costs into 1/3. If it weren't for that, we wouldn't have a phone line. Period. A dear friend is helping us pay for internet. But if we lose our electricity, which runs the modem, what good will that do us? I'm so burned out on life.... I've had so many anxiety attacks and break downs the last several days, I don't even know what to do with myself...

All I really want in life is a lucky break... Something to go my way for once.... I can put in all the time and all the effort and all the money I want..... But at the end of the day, if I don't catch that lucky break, it'll all be for naught. How many people have started small businesses to watch them fail before their eyes, regardless of how much time/effort/etc. they put into making it succeed? I don't want this to be one of them. I want to work on suits, and suit parts, and create, and make awesome things for my friends, and followers. I want to enrich people's lives with my art. All I want is the chance to do it.....

TL/DR~Probably going to get our power shut off. Can't find jobs. Want to live off my suit commissions, but can't get commissions. Can't sell premades. No one wants them. Lots of tears and anxiety attacks. Really don't like life right now....T^T

Last night I had a very strange dream. It felt so real, on so many levels. I was doing something, I don't really remember, then something came to my attention. Some how, someway, the people I was hanging out with were able to manipulate time and places. We did what we needed to do, and we saved Vex. We took him from a period two weeks prior to his accident, and changed situations enough, pulling him through time to the present. We were able to warn him about what was going to happen.

As soon as I saw him, I started touching him, running my hands along his face, his shoulders, his arms and hands, unable to believe it was really him. He looked at me like I was out of my mind, trying to figure out what the heck I was doing. Once it finally sank in it was really him, and he was really real, and really alive, I burst into tears and hugged him tightly, and told him everything. I told him to make sure he was careful driving. I told him to not let himself get distracted by his new head unit on his stereo. I told him about the accident. I told him about his own death. I told him that we weren't able to save Loki too, and that she was really gone. I was able to give him a letter of apology that I wrote to him. A letter I intended to give to his spirit, but I was able to give it to him in person now. He read my apology, saw the tears in my eyes, and hugged me to him. He told me it was ok. That he had forgiven me long ago. He told me that I was just dwelling on it, and that I needed to let it go. I told him I had felt horrid because of how I had treated him and Serpy, how I had screwed up, and how when he had died I had been devestated, being unable to tell him myself. He told me to just let it go. He said again that he had forgiven me long ago, and that it was ok. I needed to forgive myself. I cried in his arms until I couldn't cry anymore.

I spent the rest of the dream telling him of my life, telling him what had happened since I had seen him. I told him of my future plans. I told him that I was now with Chance, and he was happy for us. I told him everything that was going on, and it was just like he was really there with me. It was like having my best friend back.

I don't know when the dream faded, or when I woke up, but I know the feeling of self loathing and hatred in my heart is gone. I still miss him, but I feel like it was his way of coming to me and letting me know that it was ok, that I can forgive myself and move on. I don't know how long it will take me to fully forgive myself, but I know in my heart that he forgave me, and he loved me as a good friend, and that I should remember that, and hold on to it tightly, and live on, remembering the good, instead of mourning the bad.

I miss you Vex, and probably always will. Thank you for coming to me and giving me some peace. Thank you my friend.

It's finally gotten to the point between my "husband" and I that I need to leave. I'm going to be packing up my belongings and moving home to Missouri. I wish I could move back to So-Cal to be back with all my furry friends and fur family down there, but I just can't. I'll be moving to Missouri, and moving back in with my parents. I'm going to be moving in a couple weeks. I'd say I wished I had more time here, but I can't stand living here anymore. I'm dealing with so much abuse and neglect it's made my life a literal hell for over 3 years. It's time for me to fly the coop and get out of this mess. It sucks. Life is going to suck for a while, as I'm broke, have no real job, no car, no nothing, but I'm going to do the best I can. Hopefully in a year or two, once I get my second degree, I'll be able to move back to California to be with my furries, and where I belong. I love you guys.

Wish me luck. :/

I know, for my first journal, it's rather cruddy to be about me being angsty, but I can't sit on this anymore.....

I miss you damnit.... I think about you every day.... I think about the good times we had together... I think about the laughs, the fun, the silly things... I think about all the talks we had at absurd hours in the morning after you would bring me home.... I remember playing in the surf in La Jolla when you had to save both us girls from getting hauled out to sea... I remember playing with the other furries, and being silly and spontaneous together....

I will never forget where I was when I was told what happened......

Why.... Why did you have to go! Why did you have to leave! Why did you have to go before I could tell you I was sorry!? Why did you have to go so suddenly and leave us all here with bleeding hearts wondering why!?!

You were too good of a man to go the way you did, when you did, how you did. You should have been with us for decades to come, raising hell, and being the heart of the party!

Why couldn't I have just let foolish pride go and fix things.... Why did I have to squander the last months of your life holding on to nonsense grudges and an ego over our friendship.... Why did I have to be so stupid....

Now there's no saying I'm sorry... Now there's no fixing it.... Now there's no telling you anymore how much you mean to me. Now there's no telling you that you were my best friend. There's no telling you how much you meant to me. There's no telling you how much you helped me, how much you were there for me, how much I counted on you. There's no going back and fixing it. This is permanent. This is goodbye. And I can't stand it....

It's been almost 5 months now since you left, and my heart is still broken.... I still break down in tears over you. I'm sitting here listening to rain pound on my windows at 4:30 in the morning crying my eyes out because the pain won't go away. I can't make it stop. I can't stop the pain. I can't fix it. There's just a gaping hole in my heart where you're suppose to be....

Why, Vex.... Why..... Why did you have to go....

I miss you so much.....

TT^TT