At the very, very end of my graduate school career, the world took my mother away. This morning around 7:30 she passed away, due to complications with her heart thought to be caused by sepsis. Even with my physiology degree, I didn't know. None of us knew. How could we? We know it's not our fault. But it hurts nonetheless. We never even got to say good bye

I thought I was going to return, but now I have to extend my leave indefinitely more. I don't know when I will be myself again, but I will be fine in the end

Hold your loved ones close. Tomorrow is never promised to any of us

Hey i know its been a little while everybody, im doing alright but im in a situation where im desperately trying to find a friend whom i havent heard from in over a month and im extremely worried because he just suddenly stopped responding to anything and i can't find any of his social media things, though he wasnt very big on social media in the first place...

His name is Soot or was known as "Soot the Wolf" here, and we've been friends for several years at this point. I don't know whats happened, if anything has happened, but i miss him very much and im worried. I don't know if anyone here has talked with him or is friends with him or anything, but theres not much else i can do.. i hope he's ok

I'm making this as a message to all of my friends. Today i received an email from my academic adviser that had this to say:

"Based on your academic performance in Fall 2018, the head of the physiology department prefers that you complete PHY 524 (Comparative Endocrinology) in Spring 2019 and get an A to demonstrate that you are capable of completing a degree. He also prefers that you drop PHY 504 (General Physiology 2) and only take one class next semester.

Once complete, we can discuss BCH 451 (Principles of biochemistry) in Summer 2019 or Fall 2019.

Thank You!"

Basically, due to my current standing, I am gathering that if i don't get an A in this class i'll be terminated from the Physiology Graduate program, and of course i cannot let that happen. They're not threatening me either, they're just telling me how it is. And with the line about BCH 451, its clear that they are supporting me and believe in my capability, and for once i do to! So unlike in the past when ive said that "you'll be seeing less of me," this time it wont be because of depression. This time i seriously, SERIOUSLY have to work on school, this one class, in order to get an A, to prove to my department, and myself, that im capable of earning a degree.

With this, i've decided i will not be posting ANY pictures, stories, animations, or anything for this entire school semester. No commissions, no nothing. In fact im probably going to log off of Fur Affinity and various other social media sites to break my habit of 'whenever i get on the computer or my phone i check these places' which only distracts me further. If i do draw anything such as during free times on weekends or something i still wont post it, and save it for later. I will still be online through the I.M. services i use, but even there i will be online much less than in previous times. I have to do this in order to do my best. I have to focus on my real life rather than my online life for a while.

Thank you, and seeya later!

Hello everyone~! After quite some time, I'm back! and this time im gonna stick around as best i can! Depression is being handled and will be beat, school is tough but i can do it, and ive got such amazing friends i know i'll be fine along the way! Commissions are open once again too :3

Also, my tenth anniversary on Fur Affinity came and went and i completely forgot! So, happy tenth year of being a furry for me! Does that mean im a seasoned veteran or something??? i dunno.

Someone feed me

Several things have recently developed in my life. I cannot go into them here because some are medical related. I realize now that i need to begin hyper focusing myself on my school work if i am to achieve my goals. I need to focus on myself to overcome depression. My urge to draw just continues to not exist anymore, and i must decide now that i cannot draw for the foreseeable future. Maybe a doodle here and there, but sadly i must halt all commissions as well. I havent even started on any of them. Too many things are happening, and i have to make sacrifices. I'll still be around, but no art will come from me. I apologize.

Until next time
-Wolfen

So, im thinking of doing a stream later. But not just that, im thinking of making it a regular thing, for a long or short time im not sure since things could change at the drop of a hat nowadays. Im getting better with depression, taking medication, seeing psychiatrist and counselor and having fun with friends and doing stuff with family, so things are getting better. now i just need to get my art back on track. and i remember streaming to be a fun way of doing it, since i get to interact with other fatties out there while i draw fatty stuff! So if you're interested, i'll probably be doing a stream later today, somtime in the evening as it seems to be going.

How would people like a 5 or 6 o' clock timeframe? EST of course, since im on the US East coast. Something later? something earlier? Comment and tell me!

streaming will be happening here https://picarto.tv/BigWolfen

Ya know, of course this all has to happen as soon as i decide to start enjoying drawing again. Everything just goes so wrong so quickly nowadays. Im sorry this is going to be another rant, but i'll try to keep it short

1) Get up this morning realizing a midterm exam for an online class is actually due today at noon and not midnight. 12 am and 12 pm are startlingly similar you know. So that was panic inducing
2) I call my manager since i work today too saying that due to this i might not get into work on time. She says i should have known earlier and did it earlier, and i should have.
3) I start doing the midterm for my online course, and its a complete and utter disaster. I dont know anything in it. Its so much more complicated than the notes the instructor assigned. So i was hyperventilating for a while, cried a bit, and gave up because of how completely, unexpectedly difficult it was.
4) I go into work on time due to my failure at that test, and when my manager asks how it went i nearly just fall apart right then and there. So i talk to her, somehow, and i come to realize i cant handle having a job. Last semester i worked twice a week, and ended up with 2 D+'s, and 1 B. So i thought "i'll do something different this semester" and i have, im taking less classes so you'd think i'd be doing better right? Nope still doing terrible, even with all my extra time and only working once a week.

Im trying to balance my life. So im not even sure if i can include the internet in that anymore. Its upsetting. I was just learning to like drawing again. Oh well..

I apologize for my lack of, well, anything recently. I dunno what im really doing anymore. I need help.. is drawing even fun anymore? Was it fun in the first place for me? Maybe a long time ago. but why isnt it fun anymore? i just get upset all the time, and during the time that i have not been drawing i felt like ive been more stable mentally and emotionally. Is that bad? I dont know. I miss drawing but i don't want to draw at the same time? i need help. im getting sick

Well it happened. As of May 6 around noon, I became a college graduate. Honestly im not really sure what to say about that. Its been really, really difficult, but i still made it somehow.

Still, im not drawing enough. I would have drawn something for me graduating, but i didnt have the time. There's a lot i still want to do, but even more stuff i have to do that just makes me go uuhhhgg but thats life i guess. Honestly im not sure when i'll actually have time to draw a lot. Maybe when i go to grad school (Graduate School is the next leg of my life for the upcoming two years btw. Summer classes starts in mid May. Organic Chemistry yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay not really) but i dunno. I'll be home again, working, and that just seems like what im always going to be doing from this point on, working.

How do i make time to draw? I try to make time for my friends but even that slips away sometimes. I made it this far but i still need a lot of help i think.

Anyway, i graduated, im going home, not sure if i'll be able to draw at all during the summer, will have Organic Chemistry 1 and 2 all summer, got a Nintendo switch, going to graduate school mid August.

So with my drive to do artwork coming back, im considering opening up some slots for commission stuffs!
Prices will still be the same as listed here
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/17716189/
However if you wish to have a full color picture, it can be either the painted style i just did or cell shaded as in the image

So lets just say for now at least, three slots for people that wanna commission me. Claim a slot by note or comment! preferably, claim a slot by comment, then note me the details of what you want, including: the character you want to use, with any possible refs, and what you want them doing and such

Slot 1 -  VeloceStar38
Slot 2 - X
Slot 3 - X

Yeah yeah yeah i know what i said in my last journal. But things have gotten better since then. The university finally let me have an extra desk in my room, the one ive had every other year ive been here (not sure why they denied me in the first place) but its increased my productivity by quite a bit. My room is so neat and tidy, everything in place...

So, yeah. Good things happening! Ive done some doodles, maybe i'll put em here or somewhere. I still am busy with lots of other junk, but things are looking better now.

Happy day to you all!

I'm done! I'm done with the internet entirely! I cant handle any of this anymore!
I'm done. I'm gone. You will NOT see me on Fur Affinity, Tumblr, Twitter, or Youtube from now until i graduate. IF i graduate.
I am so stressed out im starting to have several mental breakdowns each week because of one or two assignments i missed. Its killing me, almost literally.
So im gone. im done. IM sorry but you will only see me on Telegram or Discord. If you don't know me there don't ask for it, please, I do not have time for new people or people that wanna rp or something like that. Im sorry but thats just me.

Alright lets see what the heck just happened

-2 weeks ago, fell off bike and hurt wrists, knee, arm, leg
-1 week ago, back began hurting, i'd reignited a past injury in my back that nearly left me unable to move in the past
-Few days ago, realize that my wrists are getting slightly better but something feels odd in my arm
-Few days ago, FREAKING PANIC because online application to graduate school says i signed up for "Physiology- Poultry science", along with being reccomended for provisional admission instead of full admission (It previously said Physiology and Full admission several days previous)
-Yesturday (Feb 28), went to get xray, no results heard yet. How long do they take to interpret that?
-Also yesturday, get email back from Graduate school after several frantic emails trying to settle the issue, and they state that the Poultry science part only refers to the building that the head of the physiology graduate school resides in, for some reason, and provisional means that i didnt have all of the necessary requirements to fully enter the program................

BUT

In that same email it was also stated that after the skype interview i had with the HEAD of the PHYSIOLOGY GRADUATE SCHOOL at the place i want to go most, HE ACTUALLY AND I QUOTE "advocated that you should still be admitted to the program", SO I THINK THATS A GOOD THING. SHOULD I BE FREAKING OUT? SHOULD I BE SUPER HAPPY? SHOULD I BE PANICKING? I SO CONFUSED SOMEONE INTERPRET THIS FOR ME

Also i've got a frick ton of homework and schoolwork I need to catch up on. Also i quit my job because freaking i havent even been in for 3 weeks cuz ive been hurt and thats not fair to the university...

but. yeah. Confused about injury, too much schoolwork, had to quit job, and possibly defiantly going to graduate school at my #1 choice

So I got myself a new tablet overy Christmas. A fancy Ugee tablet monitor with a drawing glove and everything. It's easy to use and makes drawing a lot easier to do too, quicker even, especially when coloring and doing careful linework.

So how come I still don't enjoy it?

I uses to love to draw, fatties or anything for that matter. I used to have sketchbooks in the past when I was in middle and high school. Around high school I switched in favor of drawing tablets and storing things on the computer instead of worrying about where to hide my sketchbook from my parents and thinking up lies to fool them ever in case the found them and asked me why it was full of fat dragons. Back then I really loves to draw. But now I'm a senior in college, about to graduate. I actually have an interesting and not very strenuous on campus job. I really enjoy myself and I'm looking forward to working more, school work even. But when it comes to drawing.. it's just not working.

Last semester I was just completely overwhelmed and exhausted, fresh out of motivation and willpower to do anything really. I struggled with school work and all other parts of my life. Finding reason to get out of bed before class started in the morning was the hadest part of my every day life then because of it. This semester I wonder if I've recovered at all. Even with this job, which gives me some sense of self worth for once in my life, I still can't bring myself to draw enough to enjoy it.

I don't want to force it, that'd be stupid. But I just can't seem to truly enjoy drawing like I used to before. I remember I just drew for the heck of it, just to have fun, in the past. I did it because I loved it and it was fun. Today, whenever I want to draw, I open up SAI and something happens to me. My idea, my drive, my motivation, my passion, whatever flicker of a candlelight of whatever I had going in just poof out. Ideas go out the window and I completely forget what I wanted. And so I end up doing nothing at all, and I don't know how to fix it. It's frusturating and the more this cycle repeats the more I end up not wanting to draw at all.

I don't know what to do

America isnt actually full of racist, egotistical, sexist, xenophobic, ignorant morons. These terms can apply to people on either side of the democratic/republican spectrum. It was not an overwhelming majority. Clinton actually got 60,093,364 votes, while trump only got 59,810,591, a 280,000 difference. But of course, with our electoral college system, that just means many people's votes actually do not count. The majority in the state means that the number of electoral votes entirely go towards that one candidate, instead of counting individuals. In states where trump lead during the election, as far as i could tell they were all split right down the middle. In states that Clinton was leading, there was typically an obvious lead for her. Our nation was literally split right down the middle. Unfortunately, the evil has won. Apparently everyone forgot that trump is the definition of all of those terms i listed beforehand.

It also turns out that the majority of people that voted for trump was men, over 40. MEN. OVER. 40.

However, in actuality, more than half of the US does not support trump, including those that voted for the third parties. What does that mean? It means we have more hope than before. We're not a nation that is mostly idiots, only less than half would come under this umbrella. The United States, while CLEARLY flawed, still has good people in the majority.

Thats all for now

i have none of it

im very tired. im bored. i dont want to do anything. i dont feel like ever doing anything anymore. not just art, but everything else. its hard to get out of bed in the morning. i dont know what to do anymore. i dont know what im doing. i think i need a break...

For several, several months now, I've been having major troubles with a simple situation. Getting out of bed in the morning. Why's that? No its not because I'm too fat. No I'm not a lazy person, i hate laziness honestly. So why can't i seem to get myself out of bed in the mornings? I'm not really sure. Maybe im losing my mind here at school or something. I get up, i get ready, i go to class, i go to lunch, i go to class again, i do my homework, i eat dinner, i get ready for bed, i go to bed. There's not much freedom in between. And that schedule isnt even often what happens. The classes and lunch and class still happens, but in the afternoons when i come back to my room and im tired, i just... crash. I get to my room and sit down, and all thoughts of school and work just stop. Bam. Just like that. I try to do my homework but i can't seem to. I have other work to do, like signing up for graduate schools. You'd think that such an important monumental task would be worked on steadily day after day? Nope. Can't even do that. I just sit there, browsing the internet.

I'll stop with the monologe sorry. I don't think i have any motivation anymore. For school, for my future, for my own art? Probably those and more. Can't get work done, can't find reason to draw and enjoy it. Plus I dont have anyone to really be around irl anymore since my "friends" up and moved out from last school year to this.

Class starts in 35 minutes. i've been sitting in bed for over and hour. Why did i get up so early. I don't know.

TL;DR - im unmotivated in my everyday life and its affecting me in every aspect of myself and I can't seem to fix things

Forgot to mention that since my summer internship thing ended I'm at home now. With parents. And little brother. And we're on vacation. Across the country. For nearly 2 weeks. Without my computer. Or tablet. Or actual usable Internet connections. Not that it'd matter, I can't do anything art-wise with them around anyway. I'll try to be active again near the end of the month. Once I get back home I'll post another thing from the fatty foxy blog that I'm rather happy with.

Seeya later,
Big Wolfen

Can someone help me? Please? I don't understand any of what keeps happening and i don't know how to fix it.

Skype continues to crash my entire computer

Its really strange, but i can't figure out why, despite researching into forums and such. Whenever i launch skype its fine, but when im typing on it for X number of minutes, it freezes, and crashes my graphics card. Now, my laptop is an ASUS R.O.G. computer, so its very powerful. But it also runs windows 10, which is likely the issue. But i don't know how to work around it with skype on my computer. Frequently, skype will also cause my laptop to crash and make itself reset.

Can anyone help me? Please?

Yeah im feeling like that again. I dont think its depression, or maybe it is, i dunno. i just don't feel like doing anything anymore again. No motivation, no excitement, and all that. I still don't know what to do about it. Nothing really cheers me up either. Just thought i'd put this stuff out there if you're wondering why im rarely active

Ive been wanting to do this for a while now, but i keep forgetting to tell people that i play a free to play game called Robocraft now! ITs super fun and now there's a code for a free starter pack for the game. Just watch the 2 minute video here! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DbicRZ53LbA

The game itself its about building robots to battle each other with! Its pretty fun and lets me be really creative too.

SO come join the fun, and maybe we can play the game together!

Stress. I wake up to it. I wade through it all day. I go to bed to it. Its always there now, always here, always everywhere. I don't know what to do. All online activity has to stop, including FA, Tumblr, streaming, youtube, skype, steam, and such. But ive also got a ton of work to do. Microbiology, Organic chemistry 2, both classes i don't have a clue what im doing in them, and they're my most important classes. Im behind on assignments in all of my classes. Ive begun not turning in assignments because i try to catch up with things but i fail to. Now i just feel perpetually lethargic, tired, worthless, hopeless, along with a headache on the sides of my head for some reason. I just can't do anything, i just don't have any energy to, or willpower either. I smiled maybe once today, when it was raining. Of course, so many other things are going wrong that that smile faded away as soon as it came. One of my teachers was nice to me and let me out of my music lessons class so i could go talk to a counselor. He really cares. So i go to the counselor's office, and turns out i can't get a freaking appointment until Thursday afternoon (today is Monday) So I'm supposed to suffer until then? What am i supposed to do? I don't know what to do. I feel useless in my own life and now im questioning every part of my being. Myself, my self worth, my hopes, my goals, my dreams, my "skills", and all that junk. I don't feel in control of anything, and im just tired. I can't sleep well at night anymore, i always wake up in the middle of it sweating. In the mornings i don't even want to get out of bed. Sometimes i don't want to eat. I don't know what it is i want anymore. So yeah, bye for now...

So yeah, just realized that my latest upload was my 200th submission to FA. I think i've grown a lot, and i can still do a lot better im sure. I just can't seem to, well... be genuinely happy for more than half an hour anymore for some reason. Things are going downhill for me, and im not sure whats going on or how to change it.. I hope that i can keep on drawing, since that brings me happiness, but in terms of school i have no idea. I feel like im just going through the motions at this point in time. Things just aren't how they used to be.

Is something wrong with me?

Yus! I got myself a streaming channel here

https://picarto.tv/BigWolfen
https://picarto.tv/BigWolfen
https://picarto.tv/BigWolfen
https://picarto.tv/BigWolfen
https://picarto.tv/BigWolfen

So occasionally now i'll do stuffs there. I got it set up all thanks to  uhkam the most awesome dragon ever!
Commissions are still open, so maybe i'll start doing commissions live too!
Commission info: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7350517/