Just got banned off of facebook permanently this evening.
I had that account for 16 years, since 2009. That's not counting the older accounts I had back in 2007.
To lose it just like that, because of a ridiculous ban wave that bans any artwork that looks remotely "suggestive", and on top of that, I'm merely sharing the arts, not posting such kind of content.
And yet I lost the account just like that, unable to appeal or create new accounts, because those too, got flagged.

This was on top of already having a bad day of dissatisfying travels, the whole family was in a bad mood. I had an argument/confrontation with a friend, and then I woke up having to deal with my sunburnt arms, and then my facebook account got banned just as I got one-shotted in this Tarkov-like game with my friends.

What a weird freaking day to be alive.
Although, having thought more on it, I had left facebook for more than a month before, only happened to return from sheer spite.
I suppose I've overstayed my welcome. I'd always wanted to move on from that site. The emotional baggage there is just too much.

I guess I should jot down a bit as I have a free moment to myself.
After attending therapy for several weeks now, as well as stepping away from Facebook for good, and (maybe a bit ironically) using Bluesky as a personal vent diary, I've been in a calmer state of mind.
been trying to get better sleep, as well as relying on aromatherapy as my weird new fixation/hobby, recording travel logs with an action camera I bought, and playing Limbus Company for the first time...

Yeah, life's been feeling okay.
Even though I still struggle a lot with sudden mood swings and a lot of negativity, self-loath, self-depreciation, it's all sort of went down to a moderately "manageable" level.
I still feel a lot of resentment and wrath towards the people that wronged me. But in realizing that they were as flawed people as I am, it eased that feeling of anger and envy that somehow my life was now beneath theirs.

I feel like it's still going to take a long time, as I still continue to mourn and grieve for the amount of time and sacrifices I've invested into that group, at least for now, I feel okay with being alive.
That's all for now.
Hope your day is going well, and hope you're doing alright for yourself.

where did everybody go?
why is it so hard to reach out to everyone?
why do I always wake up feeling like I'm left behind, abandoned, scorned, given the weary eye, treated like I'm less than human.
Even though all I've tried to do was be honest with my feelings, that I'm really really trying to reach for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Now it's all just snuffed out.
I'm so sad, angry, agitated, anxious.
Now I'm just tired.
Why am I like this?

ever since I posted the last journal, things have taken a nosedive for me.
I may have seemingly stabilized work and some other life matters, but my mental health had been pushed to the brink, where no other methods that previously worked for me -- would work now.

I have been flip-flopping between wanting back into that group, or just wanting to wipe the slate clean and just walk away and never look back.
my biggest issue is that I'm so co-dependent, as well as being so reliant on others' opinion of me, and I tie my self-worth to that.
and it has been nothing but poison to my well-being. It has gotten to a point that seeing their names on social media brings such discomfort and pain...

As of today, I have cut contact with 90% of the people involved with that group.
and I've taken steps to look into seeking therapy in my city.

Though as you may know, Vietnamese culture still heavily stigmatize seeking mental help as a negative thing. That you're weak, helpless, unworthy.
Now, regardless of how you may feel about it, that has been deeply-ingrained into me, someone growing up in that culture -- as such, it as been so difficult, so unimaginably painful, to even broach the topic.

though I did manage to talk about the whole thing with my mom, who now understands and sympathizes with my plight. Whereas previously she would judge me for paying too much attention or caring too much about these mere "online relationships".

It has been so difficult for me. I have come to neglect my body, everything just felt numb. And meaningless.
I have extreme trouble focusing on work, or even feel motivated enough to do work.
It's also gotten to a point where I just feel shame. A lot of shame, that I am unable to deal with my own issues, that I am unable to conform to what people in society deems normalcy.
That everyone in the old group and still have fun and live their lives and achieve happiness, despite the lies and facade they keep up amongst each other.
I am deeply shameful of myself, and thus, feeling defective that I cannot do the same as they all do. That I am so inept and ineffective at navigating through life the same way they manage to.

I suppose that is where I feel extremely antisocial, even the thought of reaching out to others for help gives me such discomfort.
Though thankfully, my mom agreed to help me out, and called the mental health institute (suggested to me by a different friend), and they wanted me to come by for an evaluation this Sunday.

So there's where I'm at right now.
It has been so difficult, and I genuinely don't understand how or why I'm still existing right now. When I've had dark thoughts about myself for a while now.

I haven't used this site much for the past 5 years. I've gotten busy with life, struggled through several years being jobless after dropping out of college and game dev training.
Now I work two jobs, but still living paycheck to paycheck, and there's just been an endless swarm of struggles that bashed me in the head this year.
Shit's been difficult, even though I still think of myself as weak and extremely needy.
I tried my best. But, I guess things in life are just complex and nuanced, and people don't really meet you half-way most of the time when you're struggling.

I just left the group of local friends that I've known for a couple of years, some of them I knew for a longer time.
Shit sucks.

But the whole thing just boils down to me not feeling welcomed or included. Even though I've made genuine efforts to fit in, or to curry favor by helping everyone out when they need it.
(And not out of some pure malice to make use of them later on)
And shit just sucks because after expressing my frustration several times, I always got shut down with, "Well, this is a good-vibes group only, you're free to vent sometimes but don't bring negativity to the group all the time, it ruins the mood and nobody wants that."

Sure, maybe their points hold merit, but it's still agonizing and isolating that I'm the outlier for being frustrated that I don't belong in the group.
After a year or so making an effort to scale back on my attachment to the group, it just only served to make me feel even more depressed and jealous of everyone having such a good time without me around.
And at that point, it's kind of a toss-up. If I show up, they feel uneasy because they don't know if I'd throw a fit, or be vibing with them.

So then, what is even the point of keeping me around, if I'm such a hassle to deal with for those in the group?
Out of pity? Out of fear of 'rocking the boat'?

It's still something I don't understand.
And I guess I'm not without fault either.
But this whole thing just sucks.

Every time I talked about this frustration to my close friends, they always say I deserve to be in a place where my presence is valued.
So what does all of this mean to me , moving forward?

Honestly, I don't know.
This has been such a difficult years, and like they say, when it rains, it fucking pours.
I guess I was just done with being neglected and having my call for help dismissed as me being 'troublesome'.

I still think it's really unfair to single me out and paint me as the 'bad' guy for disrupting the good vibes of the group.
Again, it's isolating. Because I can't interact with them when they're so focused on the games they play, or just yelling and hollering and it just gets on my nerve so much.
I'm just tired of it.

This has been such a shitty year, from having to deal with my father, to all the property paperwork, to our financial problems, to my parents wanting a divorce, and I've just feeling absolutely unloved and uncared for. It's been so fucking difficult. I tried. But I just can't handle being neglected