Why the fuck am I even here? I don't have any friends. No one talks to me anyone, not that I blame them. What's the fucking point of me checking my inbox every day when I know I have no reason to get a message? No one will ever reason this. I'm just writing this because I'm having an anxiety attack and I want to smash shit.

I'm totally out of time now. I need a place to stay where I don't have to deal with family shit and I can actually heal and get the help I desperately need. But I don't know where or how... So fuck me.

I have to be out of here by next Thursday and I have no idea where I will go. Anyone need a roommate? Any help would be... Helpful. Though no one really reads these...

time to get my nose down and work! maybe take some naps...I'm still a panda after all~

*UPDATE* Who knew architecture was so exaughsting??? =.=; Babys aren't made for doing maths...

So I was kicked out of another social group... great.
I was talking to someone who told me that they want to be my friend and that I should let down my emotional walls sometimes. So I asked if I could tell them a secret, and told them about the babyfur/AB stuff. They didn't say anything to me at all about after just something like "okay" and then I hadn't heard from them since. Well I try to get into the group today and after talking for a bit my account gets booped out, I ask one of my friends who is a mod about it and he said it was probably a glitch, so I join again and get booped after a couple minutes. He says he will see if it's an issue of the account colour or something. Well he tells me that the person had complained about me and said that I was sending uncomfortable messages to them.
So I am now banned. No one talked to me about it, no one even mentioned anything about it, even one of the mods didn't know anything.

So that's fucking awesome! And pretty much par for the coarse so far. This is why I don't try, and also why the term "friend" means jack shit to me.

I was having a great night. I put up the tree, wrapped the presents, danced to Christmas music. Then I watched Blues Clues and got nice and comfy into a little space. I even got fully into it, singing with the songs and such. I was about to go to bed, but I was just doing last checks of inboxes online before I went to sleep.

So I get a message on a chat/rp site (not fa) It is from some guy I don't know and all it says is "My dog says hello" and it had a picture of a dog next to it... Well it wasn't a picture of a dog, it was the severed bleeding head of a dog sitting on a stump with the body laying next to it. WHY??? What did I do? I don't know this person! This person doesn't know me (as far as I know) That is just sick!

Needless to say it more than destroyed my little space, it basically traumatized my little space, and I now feel sick and don't want to sleep.

I love all of you guys. Thank you to all of those who have accepted me, cared about me, snuggled me, helped me. You are some of the best people in the world and I'm so lucky that I have gotten to have you in my life. <3

So yeah, my meds are not really working anymore now, and my attempts to contact my doctor to get an appointment have gotten no answer or response. I don't really know what to do. I'm crashing again like I haven't in a long time and I really don't want to after everything I've been doing and trying so hard to keep above water. I need help. I know no one reads these, but if anyone does I could really use any kind of help... I'm sorry for always being so needy.

Car broke while we are visiting family in another state, so we are just stuck here now. I can't barely get sleep, I'm having bad nightmares. And my meds don't seem to be helping much anymore. I'm not doing so good right now...

I'm here now. Lotsa bridges are gone now because of people who are mean or heartless, but I also know my good friends even better who stuck with me and helped me and cared.

Thanks to you who are still my friends <3

It has become overwhelmingly apparent that I am not welcome in this community. My efforts to be kind and friendly are received as clingy and creepy. My efforts to be myself have gotten me insulted, harassed, and bullied. I see that I don't have any friends here. So I'm not going to stay. This is my last post on this site. I am done with the furry community as a whole. I am not wanted so goodbye to everyone.

One thing that has been a pattern in my life is that I have to basically self diagnose. And it's not what you are thinking, not in the bad hypochondriac way. My family has a tendency towards "work through it, or work around it" and while that works sometimes it isn't so helpful for major medical things. When hearing "try harder" towards things like depression or dyslexia, you kinda just learn to deal with problems and not make a fuss.

That is how I lived half blind my whole life without anyone really knowing until I was curious about surgery earlier this year. I just kinda dealed, learned to make due... read slowly, close my eye when I would focus, things like that. It was actually funny to me that my mom asked me later the night of my eye exam if I needed help down the stairs. x3

Well when I was with the trainer I was having a major major problem with the muscle above my knees, and the whole time he kept having to correct my form to keep my feet pointed forward and not out... Well I did some online research on muscle groups and some testing on my knees and the knees of a couple others around me. Turns out I'm heavily knock-kneed. (like the "I have to pee" stance, but all the time) Never knew because I just learned to adjust, I would flair my feet out wide, so when I would bend my knees they went forward instead of in.

So another newly found difficulty! More goals to overcome! I think the best option is to just keep working on developing the muscles that I've never used. Try to correct my posture and fight through the soreness.


PS I'm really trying for no more depression spew journals. I'm sorry. <3

Just finished first fitness session. Pandas aren't made for workouts... My knees are jelly and my whole body is slightly shaking. Tomorrow I will feel like I've been shot. I can barely even stand up.

Next session will be better! ^w^
I need to go lay down...

Thanks to my red cousin  yookey for being an inspiration for me to actually get off my bamboo butt and do this.

It's midnight. I'm somewhere in Georgia. Engine problems on the way to Florida. Gas is gurgling in the tank with fumes building up. No mechanic shops are open, obviously. Been stuck for about an hour. Not sure what to do... Why didn't I just stay asleep today?

stop trying, you won't fit no matter where you try to go

I've never really had anyone that I could fully trust. I don't know anyone in my life, past or present, that I can say I know will support me, help me, love me, and accept me. So, that being said... How do I cope with that? Live without trust is a life of isolation and shutting off people. My greatest fear is being alone, so obviously I can't make myself alone and not trust. My mind, ever the mind of balanced extremes, tries to cope with this by blindly trusting as much as possible. I know that is dangerous, I know that is ripe for being abused and lied to and used, which I have been many times. The flip side, it tends to scare or off-put people, because people aren't used to someone who is open and giving (sometimes to the point of over-giving, I suppose) and it makes them wary of dubious motives and dangers that lurk behind the smiles of the wicked. And I have been accused just about every time of being something slimy and underhanded. The truth is, I have to be this way because if I don't I would be dead. I would have died a long long time ago if I didn't force myself to trust and try. And to the people who say I need to relax and calm down and be myself, this is myself, this has kept me going even at my worst. My mind is very critical of everything, and many have called me argumentative or cynical, but that is not my intention, that is just how I perceive the world around me. And having so much focus on faults and the negative aspects of everything floating in my mind, I need to have a way to get out of the negative. That has always been, for me, the people who I call my friends, and the same people who often tell me they don't know me. My self is made up of a lot of opposing extremes that somehow balance me out into a odd space of not being enough of anything to fit anywhere, I'm just stuck in the middle. I have lived a long time in groups (like furries) who are often called weird, but even then I am the black sheep of outcasts, not fitting in with what is wanted. So I realize that I am usefulness to everyone in my current state of life, which has been largely the same for most of my life. And many times I have heard the saying "You evolve or you die." and being that I have not evolved in such a long time I need to set that phrase as my focus and see which side ends up winning out.

Don't know if anyone will take the time to read this wall of rambling text, but if anyone does I hope it helps to possibly understand more about how I think. Maybe it's just a big mess and won't make any sense to anyone but me. I don't know.

I've been having a long depressive state the past several days, about a week or so. I am very lethargic, I can barely move, I don't eat much, everything feels grey, I just feel horrible and dead, like I'm constantly half awake and half in a very dull dream. I'm still taking my meds, but the assistance is minimal and not in this area whatsoever.

How does my family react? My brother and father have spent the entire time calling me a "pooter" or a "bummer" or a "shlump" and have been jumping on top of me, poking me, pinching me, and hitting me while saying I should play games with them or guilting me that we won't be able to have time together much longer.

I sat at the table and stared at the paint and models for 2 hours and couldn't even pick up the brush. I just can't. I can't think. I can't get energy. I can't enjoy. My head is full, but it is nothing i can grasp on to. I don't know what to do. I need to discharge, but I can't. I can't.

It's really annoying to not be able to control the flow and process of my mind. I focus so much on things I care not to, and let fade so many things that are helpful. I have so many broken logics and wrong priorities. I don't like sex, but I don't hate it either, however I have an obsession with it that won't leave me alone....

Don't know why I'm writing this here. I have issues, I need to actually do something about it instead of being here bitching.

So my fitness level is a big problem. My body is very weak from... well lack of movement. In my depression i often don't really move for days or even weeks. Some of my muscles are becoming spastic from under-use according to my doctor. My little red cousin Yookey has been doing a lot of fitness training and weightless, and i feel I should too. My weight is going down actually because my diet (I'm lighter than I have been since before highschool) but the muscle issue is... well it is an issue.

Imagine going to a play park with your parents, getting on a ride, and then getting off to find that they are no where to be found. Lost, alone, scared... that's basically how I've been feeling for a long time and it's flaring up a lot lately.

Side note: I'm starting to feel like the only way I could get a bf is to just buy a character from someone and claim that he is mine. It's kinda that pathetic at this point.

Side, side note: Might just binge Zootopia all day, not sure yet.

Feel free to comment, 80% of my interaction with others is waiting for the little numbers and letters to pop up in the top corner every time I refresh FA each half hour or so.

I wish it were tomorrow, then I could have a chance to talk and hangout with my friends. But all that would mean is I would just be annoying and depressing more people I care about. At least it's more efficient to do in larger groups? I dunno...

Not sure if not working, crashing, or just not strong enough to fight this... Super depressed every night. Getting back to being lonely all the time again. The anxiety is still down so the meds helped that, but that is like stopping the looting while the city burns down. I'm so pathetic, don't even know why I'm typing this. No one will see it, maybe Jo. Not like anyone can do anything about it. What is the point of this? Why am I still typing? I just want a mommy who will hold me so I can forget now and go back to before I forgot my life. Fucking hell, I have issues...

Well I guess that is a solid 0% interest in anything I would make.

I know not many people will actually see this, but I was just wondering what the interest in a wooden handmade toys? They would be oversized AB toys similar to this rattle:
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/20090278/

Customization and price can vary depending on what you want.

I can also make other things if toys aren't your thing. I can make lots of wooden things, and I'm hoping to learn metals plastics and silicon work soon.

Just checking interest... Please comment... anyone.