So until my voice acting gets off the ground or I find a job that actually makes me stop living off paycheck to paycheck, I am doinf some streaming of games that I have on twitch. However, it also hinges on some back up from people that actually and want to see me play. See me succeed, see me fail at something, watch me make a total fool of myself. I don't know, I don't care. I just want to be abke to have a good interaction with people. I see people stream from here and I think to myself "They are artists and popular furries that have connections and know how to do art, so of course they will always have a fan base and theh always get support."

Me? I'm a nobody, a simple guy out of North Carolina trying to make something of himself. However, I don't have the connections like most people do. I don't have a very large network. No, I am not popular or an artist, but I do enjoy gaming. But it just seems like it is never enough. I don't have a team, I don't have a professional editing crew. I do what I can with what I have. I could have a consistent schedule but I couldn't get most of friends to show up. And even if they did, they are watching another streaming and only there just to give a lurking watch.

I like interacting with the audience. But when they are dead silent, I lose a shred of self confidence and I start to go into loathing of self and others because I don't know if I am interesting or good enough. And people tend to prove right. I give raids to other streamers, but it is extremely rare that I get that feeling reciprocated. I don't have the latest gear or a fancy set up like professional or good amateur streamers do because I think simplicity makes for a better viewing.

At this point, i just have to ask...what do I have to do to make my streams more interesting for people to come and actually watch my playing of my games. I am running out of ideas...and time.

Okay so I'm trying to get back into voice acting. And I'd like one or more of my friends help me catch a break. Is there anyone in my friend group or mutual friends that can help point me in the right direction?

Yes yes, I'm trying this whole voice acting gig again because with how much stuff I've experienced in my life, I should be able to convey the right amount of emotion and pitch to convince people that character is someone.

https://www.twitch.tv/biggestteddyburr

So I'm streaming again. Spider-Man 2 is going first, might do more depending on my mood.

Hey everyone,

I need to be honest and put this into words, even if it’s messy. I’m taking a big step away from the furry fandom and from Twitch streaming.

The truth is, I’m burnt out. I don’t feel like myself anymore. Things that used to excite me and give me purpose now just feel heavy, and I’m left feeling drained and depressed instead of fulfilled. On top of that, I’ve been carrying around resentment and negativity that I know I need to let go of, but it’s been eating at me for too long.

I can’t keep pretending everything is fine when it’s not. I don’t want to keep forcing myself to be “on” for others while I’m falling apart on the inside. I need to step back and focus on straightening out my life and my mind before I can show up authentically again.

This isn’t easy to say, because I do care about the friendships and memories I’ve made here. Those moments mean a lot to me. But right now, I need to stop pushing myself to perform or belong when I barely feel stable. I have to admit that I’m not okay, and I need space to figure things out.

I don’t know how long this break will last. Maybe I’ll come back when I feel stronger, maybe I’ll find a new path forward entirely. What I do know is that I can’t keep going the way I have been. This step away is necessary—for my health, my mind, and my peace.


I hope you guys respect my decision as my contact will be shut off as well as I do not wish to speak to anyone during this time.

This is in regards to my streaming...for those of you that actually pay attention to my activities. I really try to make my streams as feasible and good as I can using only my little bit of equipment and thin walls from which to do so.

Lately I feel like I haven't really been on anyone's radar as far as trying to entertain people. I send notices. Nobody really shows up except for a select few folks. And I am grateful for that. But I have been trying to stream for about a year now. I haven't really seen any growth or even plateaued where I am. I don't have many friends to stream with. Those that I support don't exactly reciprocate or even know who I am.

I want this streaming life to be successful. However it feels hard to do so when people don't even give you a passing glance. I am not popular, I am not an artist, I am not even rhe best gamer. I am just me.

So I asked, what more do I have to do? If it sounds like I am being impatient, I'll be honest. I am.

https://www.twitch.tv/biggestteddyburr

Got the black suit! Let's suit up!

I need to stream tomorrow night...
I want people to know who I am.
I want people to see me.
I want to be known and not in people's shadow. I don't care if I am not at 100%

I want to be able to entertain people. But they have to come. Tomorrow night. Hopefully at 7pm. I will stream even if I have to drink energy drinks to crank the gears.

I am going live now! Check out my stream.
https://www.twitch.tv/biggestteddyburr

https://www.twitch.tv/biggestteddyburr

Tonight at 6:30pm or 7pm EST

Tonight we will continue Arkham Knight!

Make-up stream! About to go live with the next part of Arkham Knight!!
https://www.twitch.tv/biggestteddyburr

This is just to give people a heads up. I will try to wrap up the main story of Batman Arkham City and go onto Arkham Knight when I stream Sunday at 7pm EST.

CHANNEL:

https://www.twitch.tv/biggestteddyburr

I hope you'll join me when I go live.

Okay, so I will try to explain this as best I can without sounding insulting to my known associates.

I stream almost every Sunday Night around 7pm EST. However, I missing key elements for my streams:

-A Fancy Countdown Starting Soon Screen
-An End Credits Screen
-And More importantly...an AUDIENCE.

I could post in every channel I know and most of my friends won't even give me 10 minutes of their time to support like I do for them, some of them don't. NOT EVEN ONCE! Whether they are an artist, a writer or a streamer themselves.

I want to be able to reach the same amount of clout and fun they have but no matter what game I stream, I feel like I am always a step behind. I can't really afford the high end games on my paychecks, plus my computer can only run high games for a time.

I would just like to know how to build an audience and make my set up more visually appealing to everyone so I can actually bring them in for a draw.

And I'd like to bring some of my friends in for a co-stream so I can have someone to talk to. So someone, be serious and don't give me the whole "Consistency is key". It's Bullshit.

How can I make my streams, better?

It's very often that I like to ask for help. But I suppose I might as well ask here.

I need help on trying to do better for Twitch. I engage with my audience, I let people know when I stream on all my social media platforms and chats. But I still haven't broken any grounds. I can't exactly afford the fancy setups like most people have. I don't really have a team or crew to make the channel bigger. I'm sitting at 95 followers, but that doesn't really amount to the people that actually show up to my stream which is less than 10 people at a time. Despite the fact that I donate, give bits and subs to other channels...NO ONE really reciprocates the favor.

Most of my friends don't even tune in when I go live on Sunday nights. However, that's really the only night I can stream due to the fact that I work every other day of the week. I switch up my games every so often to prevent complacency or be boring. However I am still not breaking ground.

Like I said, I don't have the funds to really give myself a good and fancy set up. I only have a couple of PNGtubes to really utilize and I'm not sure what else I need to do to get people to come. I feel like I'm chasing waterfalls and just hitting headfirst into the bottom of the pond only to float lifelessly.

So I ask you people, what do I need to do to help increase traffic to my streams??

https://www.twitch.tv/biggestteddyburr

Not sure how long I'll be streaming!

https://gofund.me/c29d06a8

A fellow furry is on the verge of homelessness in Ireland as his mother will not provide him with any assistance and she's super abusive. Share, donate, do whatever you can.

I am not sure who out there is seeing this but I really need help and I am not sure who to ask. On Saturday March 1st, I pulled into my job's parking lot at around 9:08pm to go to work. I was waiting for the party in the truck on my left side to leave before I got out the car. Their back tire as they pulled off, took off my bumper and grille to my vehicle causing it considerable damage. I filed an insurance claim with my own and the at fault's party got in touch with me.

After back and forths and giving them an estimate to fix the car which still runs and is still drivable it was deemed the repairs outweighed the car's worth (a 2005 buick lesabre)

In short: The Car is totaled. ($4000 usd in damage)

I don't have the funds to get a new vehicle or get it fixed myself. And I am freaking out so badly that I can't focus on life itself because that Car is my lifeline. And it was my first vehicle.

Please, only if you can spare what you can sensibly allow. If you can't, please share this.

https://ko-fi.com/biggestteddyburr (MY KO-FI)

I need to either get the car repaired or get a used one.

I have documentation that backs up my claim

PLEASE HELP ME!

https://www.twitch.tv/biggestteddyburr

Come join and watch!

I'm not sure if any of you have noticed or looked at my stuff. I don't post here too often, but I have been trying to make some inroads on Twitch for a while. So far I am just trying to complete the Insomniac Spider-Man Trilogy. I only ask if you guys could watch me whenever I go live on Sunday nights and give me a follow so I can myself off the ground. I'm only just starting and I am hoping for this to be a way to connect with people since I hardly talk whenever I have work days.

https://www.twitch.tv/biggestteddyburr <<<THAT'S MY TWITCH CHANNEL!!

If you like what you see, I'd appreciate a like or a follow.

https://bsky.app/profile/bigteddyburr.bsky.social

You can find my bluesky here, I may be deleting Twitter soon. What is the point of having a block button if people can still see you?!

I never thought I'd have to say this for people. But I kind of need to move on and get to the next chapter of where I want to be in this community. I feel like for the last decade or so, I have been spinning my wheels trying to make headway into the furry community with very little payoff. I lost friends, made some wrong ones that just look out for art and and never give me the time of day, lost characters I love, I keep losing pieces of myself in order to fit the status quo. Doing all of that has made me sick, miserable and quite frankly things are just no fun anymore. So I feel like I need to start over again and do things right.

But this time I can't afford to make any more mistakes and there are no do-overs. First thing I am going to do is create a new sona that channels the best of me and what I can create. Another thing that is on my to do is to cull down on people I haven't spoken with in a while. We have lives to live and I need to live mine.

Another couple of things that probably take the top of my list is trying to pay off this credit card debt i amassed once I do that I can save up and get better art. And in order for me to truly move and let go, tomorrow once I get off work...I am going to amass all the pictures I had of my first fursona (Claude Lucano) and have him CAREFULLY adopted/auctioned to someone that appreciates and cares for him as I am unable to. I may lose respect or friends for doing this decision...but this is for my benefit. I put people ahead of myself too long.

Despite my best efforts, I feel like I haven't been dig myself out of this dark hole that I find myself in. I find that people I'm surrounded by are like like cardboard cutouts you see in stores, one wind and they blow over and just leave you hanging on your own. As much as I don't want to burden anyone with my pain which feels like a slow and miserable death, I really want to be able to talk to anyone.

I have been in physical and mental pain every waking moment of the day. My family and I moved into a new home, but I still feel like I have no privacy even though I have my own room. It just doesn't feel like home. I try to escape to VR chat or any means possible in order to escape reality. But honestly, it's just putting on a mask and just looking at still images or walking through the Sahara with no end in sight. I'm just left alone without anyone to be around. This whole thing left me feeling completely dead inside.

I get that schedules don't line up or people want to be around those they are close with. But I can't get close to anyone because I am not what they are or just have nothing to say because I don't know what will make them happy or just make them angry enough to piss off. I don't want to be invisible to anyone, I want people to actually see me. It's like being locked in a coffin and a one way mirror is your own view of the world. As much as I bang on it and plead for help, no one answers.

I'm still trying to get a lead position so I can have day time back and not lose any pay and keep my bills in check. However, my job seems to look over my efforts and I hate that.

I even had to give up a character to a friend in order to make extra money...I DID NOT WANT TO DO THAT!!!
I just feel extra trapped, and I don't know why I am trying to gain friends by buying them art or trying to be close to artists when I know I can never be what they are or even be seen as a person that has a heart. To them, I'm an ant and they are the boot which steps and crunches me to death. I try to make interesting characters that expand my friends circle but people will find something they don't like and band together to take me down and out.

I haven't really had the energy to be around people or do anything. I'm just going through my days, just going to work, coming back home, being annoyed by my family, sleep...repeat.

I just wonder to myself, would life improve if I wasn't around. It just feels like nothing goes my way, no matter the effort I put into it. I want to be able to cry, but the futility of letting out my emotions makes me hold back and just unhealthily repress it to no end. I just want the pain to stop, I want people to see me without contempt on their faces, but it feels like I can't get it.

What have I done to be relegated to just being a toy people play with for amusement and then tossed away when they get bored?

Yeah, I know. I am doing another one of these journals...sue me.

Since I am moving IRL and had some unforseen expenses, I had to do some creative scaling back and that means selling off a character that I don't use anymore. This doesn't mean I won't create another one in the future. However, someone has bought off one of my most prominent characters.

Halona Angelus, formerly my collie now belongs to one  wolf-of-fire They own the complete 100 percent rights to the character's likeness, name and all the art that has been owned by me. I will be deleting Halona from my galleries, effective soon when I get the chance.

I won't lie, I feel overwhelmed a bit at the moment. I wanted to try voice acting but too many things kept getting in the way. Friends, family, work, my other projects and instead of being good at everything...I am good at nothing.

So, what I am going to do is scale back on everything and take it one step at a time. Primarily, I will scale back my roleplays to a minimum of a few close friends. And I am going to work on my voice acting so I can get out the unknowns and try to get somewhere and make a career out of it. I can't draw, I don't have the imagination to write but I can act. As much as I watch videos and stuff, I think I have what it takes to be a voice actor.

When I first tried I asked the WRONG people on here for help (you know who you are) and while they went on to voice things for artist and ask them to think of me...they ended treating me like I don't exist, as in they are firm believers of pulling up the ladder behind them. Instead of waiting for a door to open, I am going to kick down the door and make my own way, WITHOUT the need to ask strangers or known associates for help because let's face it: It's a Dog-Eat-Dog world, especially here.

So...when I move to a new home, hopefully soon. I am going to take my days off and work on my voice acting and do small projects to actually gain experience. Hopefully that'll help me land somewhere as a voice actor. I want to have help from my friends on this journey, last time I tried that round, it ended with me going nowhere.

I WILL BE A VOICE ACTOR.

It's more than fair to say that with my life all screwed up right now. I'm not really the perfect guy, friend or partner at all. The simple fact of the matter is that the days have been kind of getting away from me. Since I work the graveyard shift at my job for a little under $16 an hour, it is the best way I can earn income so I can make sure that my bills are paid and keep the wolves from coming to the door. I have been trying to look for other opportunities to get back on the morning shift with the same amount of pay at my current place of employment or at another company altogether. However I have been rejected because my experience isn't really up to par with most companies or they just take one look at me and say that I'm not what they are looking for.

Lately I have been finding myself getting sick all the time and I am trying to seek out medical attention to see what has been going on with me. I won't go into details as I don't want to gross out anyone here. But I have not been feeling well for quite a long time. As for my mental state, that has been suffering a lot as well. Instead of people being actual friends whom support me or wish to do stuff with me, I've been finding myself in just a role as a role-player for them to enact their fantasies on, just being there as a cuddle buddy when I am just trying to say "I don't want to do this" but I have never had the guts to say it because I am afraid that they will just leave me like so many others have done during my time as a furry. People have left because they don't understand my home situations at all and don't feel like reading between the lines or because they hate the way my characters look.

Characters are one thing, but the real life me is another. If you want to treat the latter as a joke, then I really don't want to hang out or have anything to do with you anymore. And those that I have tried to be friends with but just seem to ignore me for even when I say hello, that goes for you as well.

Right now, this is what I am feeling: PAIN
An unprecedented, indescribable amount of pain in my body and in my mind. I can't tell you all how long I have been feeling this way. I absolutely hate myself to no end. And I have been doing my damn hardest to try and change my situation, but either I get stuck or sink further. Most of the time, people don't ask...so I suffer in silence. It has made me sick and tired and to really drive the point home, it has left me BROKEN.

I don't have the talents like the rest of you all do. I can't draw because I live in a family home and I don't get enough space and privacy. I can't do voice acting because I don't have the equipment to properly do it like sound padded interior walls.
I lack connections around here because other than trying to get commissions for people that I like, that's all I really have to offer. I've got nothing else to offer. I would offer my friendship, but I feel like I may just get slapped in the face, figuratively. Maybe I am lame, maybe I have nothing else going on for me...but it is not like I put myself in this situation on purpose...I try to go do what people ask me to do because I have always put others ahead of what I needed. I have literally suffered from it.
2023 is a prime example of it as it is the year I have caught Covid twice.

I just want to let you all, just because I have been silent about my life...doesn't mean that it is perfect or anything., it is far from that fact. I don't tell you all this because I don't want my problems to be yours and for other fact that I don't think many of you would care. Not saying ALL, I said MANY.

For those that say I don't care, I do care...however my energy is nearly at zero almost everyday because I work in a job that does nothing to really say they care for their employees and my home life does not make it any better. Sometimes I find it better to just disappear like I never existed. That is how painful my life is right now.

I had to come out with this for many reasons. You guys don't know what it is like to look in the mirror every day and want to punch the glass because you hate what it reflects. If you guys want to tear me down, go ahead. It's nothing I've not heard before. I'm trying to climb out of this hole I am in, but it isn't easy when your friends just watch you do so or when they figuratively throw you a rope to help you climb out and as a sick joke...they cut the rope.

Round 2 of Covid has been fought off, I tested Negative. I'm okay, once again.