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Still exist (plus, Trintellix is rad--for me, at least LOL)
Posted 6 years agoWow
It's been almost a year and a half since Mom's passing, which was the last time I did anything on this site, I believe. There's been a lot of ups and downs but in case my absence was noted anyone in the world of furries or erotic art or whatever community this is I semi-belong to as mostly a lurker (and, I suppose, a "reply guy?"--hope I'm not an obnoxious one), I'm still alive and just living the boring life.
Perhaps "boring" is a needed respite these days.
I went through a pretty harrowing time the past few years. I'd always been caring for my mother, who had mobility issues, but then she was diagnosed with end-game cancer and it became a much more important and overpowering part of my life. My cat died during this time, and then my mother, and then my pup. She was my last confidant and bestie in the world, and while it obviously was nowhere near as cataclysmic as the passing of my mother, it was still like a final blow.
But I'm adjusting! I've finally moved out of the palatial (and empty) apartment I shared with Mom and am starting to physically take care of myself again--which has been pushed to the forefront because an inguinal hernia to which I was blind became much worse a few months back. They're waiting on me to be able to afford the copay to get the required surgery, but I'll get there eventually.
I think I owe all of this to Trintellix. I've been famously loath to take antidepressants, but seriously, I needed a change or else I believe I would be dead by now. When I saw the doctor for the hernia, they basically took a look at me and asked me a few questions out of the blue about my extreme lack of care. I suppose they immediately could see I was in a very extreme depression and naturally prescribed it to me! It's eye-opening to go in for one thing and they blindside you with a diagnosis of something when you weren't complaining of it.
Anyway, I suppose what I wanted to say by sharing my story is that if anyone is ever suffering from mental disorders such as depression, there is help available. It is serious. It is nothing to be afraid of or ashamed of. Please speak to people and find a way that will work for you.
Hopefully I'll be back in the swing of things online, too! I've likely missed a lot of great art!
P.S. I've also just learned of the passing of an iconic anthro fan and fursuiter who was one of my personal friends, even if just through texting and chatting. He passed when I was dealing with my strife and I think the world is a little darker without him. R.I.P.
Why I've been insanely absent (major life news)
Posted 8 years agoHi all
Just starting to be able to talk about this.
I moved in here and stayed with my mother for over a decade now. First, because of her mobility issues, but for the last two or three years, because of her carcinoid cancers.
She passed away six weeks ago, six weeks before her birthday.
Almost all depictions of people passing away in literature or film are bogus. In the end, it was renal failure, which is supposed to be one of the easier ways to go. If so, there must be absolutely 0 ways to go peacefully unless you kill a healthy person in one hit.
Very painful time was spent at home, where she wanted to die, watching her thrash and scream and make nonsense sounds. On top of that, I can 100% verify that Kaiser Permanente is the worst care center on earth and that she had to suffer the first night with very little pain medicine when she should have been getting dosed with morphine every 2 hours and also should have had anti-anxiety meds available to her. They were not, because their palliative nursing team was so incredibly slow to show up and never answered telephone calls. I had to dose her myself without knowing what amount to give her or how often and I failed her because she was still very much in pain. Her mind had mostly gone by then and she couldn't remember who she was or where she was, or who I was, so maybe it wasn't that so much as anxiety. Who knows?
Anyway, I've been a wreck for a long time but I will probably still be a wreck for quite a bit longer because it's still fresh.
Just letting everyone know. She was my best friend and pretty much the only person I spent time with for years, plus she was a very articulate and well read woman of education and literature. She taught for most of her life, being placed into teaching when she was 17 by her convent (yes, she was a nun before she left to pursue her dream of having a family). She touched many lives and the memorial mass at her church involved young and old students and there wasn't a dry eye in the house.
Miss you, Ma
Just starting to be able to talk about this.
I moved in here and stayed with my mother for over a decade now. First, because of her mobility issues, but for the last two or three years, because of her carcinoid cancers.
She passed away six weeks ago, six weeks before her birthday.
Almost all depictions of people passing away in literature or film are bogus. In the end, it was renal failure, which is supposed to be one of the easier ways to go. If so, there must be absolutely 0 ways to go peacefully unless you kill a healthy person in one hit.
Very painful time was spent at home, where she wanted to die, watching her thrash and scream and make nonsense sounds. On top of that, I can 100% verify that Kaiser Permanente is the worst care center on earth and that she had to suffer the first night with very little pain medicine when she should have been getting dosed with morphine every 2 hours and also should have had anti-anxiety meds available to her. They were not, because their palliative nursing team was so incredibly slow to show up and never answered telephone calls. I had to dose her myself without knowing what amount to give her or how often and I failed her because she was still very much in pain. Her mind had mostly gone by then and she couldn't remember who she was or where she was, or who I was, so maybe it wasn't that so much as anxiety. Who knows?
Anyway, I've been a wreck for a long time but I will probably still be a wreck for quite a bit longer because it's still fresh.
Just letting everyone know. She was my best friend and pretty much the only person I spent time with for years, plus she was a very articulate and well read woman of education and literature. She taught for most of her life, being placed into teaching when she was 17 by her convent (yes, she was a nun before she left to pursue her dream of having a family). She touched many lives and the memorial mass at her church involved young and old students and there wasn't a dry eye in the house.
Miss you, Ma
Dumped my gf and other such news
Posted 9 years agoHey dudes and dudettes and...I dunno, whatever I'm meant to say to be PC
.... CIS-and non-CIS...human or animal-identifying...um, he/she/.....?
....
Let's start over
Hey y'all!
Billy Rabb-ee in the place ta BE! Well, I dunno if FA is the place to be, but that's neither here nor there.
So, after 4 weird months, I actually was the dumper for the second time ever.
Usually, I'm the type of dodo bird who romantically clings to the notion that I can stick with anything, excuses a lot of stuff for my honey, puts up with shit, etc. until I've been miserable for years. I mean, I do believe there can be "love of my life" stuff, where someone is loyal and loving and supportive 100% of their beloved, and gets it in return. It takes a lot of patience and compromise to make a long-term thing.
But now? I'm finally assertive enough to be all "this ain't working."
I hate hurting people (gee), but...OK, lemme get into the specifics on this one.
About a year ago, I went to my young friends' Holiday party. Usually the type who just shuffles around by the refreshments table wondering exactly how long is socially acceptable to stay at a party before going home when in a room of strangers, I actually found a rather cute lady to chat with who had a brain and some shared nerdy interests. It was fun, though I had to go home to take care of my mother, who had mobility issues at the time and was recovering from an operation.
Then, in May, I suddenly get a friend suggestion on FB from the hostess of said party. I didn't even know this was a thing, but you can apparently tell someone "Hey, you should befriend this homeskillet!" on FB because FB is the land of vapid inanities that don't matter in real life but are there for people to live their weird, pretend, narcissistic lives and their farts will never smell again and la la la.
I was like "?--Oh, it's that girl I met months ago."
So anyway, like a month and a half later, I go to said hostess's engagement party because the host saddled me with the dubious onus of being best man, and there's said chiquita bonita. We ended up rapping quite a bit, so when I left, I was like "Well, maybe I'll add her, sure."
This is where warning signs started.
On the entire ride back to her house (which is like 45 minutes to an hour) she immediately was hitting me up on FB Messenger (an app that should just go because it tells people exactly how long their chat partner has sat on messages and when they're active and makes people all anxious and crazy).
We met again at the bachelor/bachelorette party (yes, they combined them...how fucking...spineless, right??), which was in Vegas (VEGAS, BAY-BEE!!!!111).
And then we ended up fucking like animals.
So, like, the day after the weekend of fun fun, she hinted she was in love with me and then posted that I was in a relationship with her on my favorite place (FB, of course!! Thanks, Fuckerberg!). I was hesitant but I accepted because I'm dumb.
We had a lot of plans. "Oh, you've never been to ___?" "Oh, you never went down Route 66?" All that stuff. So, I figured we'd be doing said things.
Nope. She never got up on weekends.
Turns out, she pretty much sleeps all day anyway. Over the next few weeks, it's clear she has no job...and then it turns out she hasn't had one in years and everything she's done for a job has been really short stints as cashiers and such at big chains--and sporadically, at that.
Dudebros, she couldn't see me sometimes because she had to do dishes. She had to clean. I recall two weeks in which every single day I wanted to hang out, she was like "*sigh*...I can't tonight. I have to do dishes, argh....still so many!" She lives with her parents, too, so...yeah, that's another gem. I mean, I live with my mom, but that's because mom is dying of cancer after having had super-bad mobility issues and all...so I'm basically her caretaker (and fuck no to putting her in a home).
She came down to see me once. She lives about 40 minutes away, but with the traffic in the area, like...going up to see her when I was off work at rush hour? Fuck that. Took like an hour and a half sometimes. Then, because she lived at home, she basically insisted on going back to my place, having sex (awkward when your dying mom is in the house), then driving her back up there, then coming back to my place. That's her idea of a date, I guess (just meet and fuck? Meh).
Now, the old me would have been like "This is great though, because she loves me and adores me and always tells me so!" She was pressuring me to get hitched like a half-month after the Vegas trip (around their wedding) and didn't want to use protection at all because she was like "My baby-producing years are running out!!" and stuff. Nobody's ever wanted to have a kid with me, so that sounded awesome, but....
Look, I'm giving way too much info and if she were a furry (maybe she is, considering she spends all night on social things on the net like Gaia), she would find out all these things I didn't exactly address but kinda hinted at over and over, but still.
Oh, here's another nugget: something like a month and a half after we "made it official!! (posting to FB is super serial)," she suddenly starts talking about this guy she had a thing for years ago but it never quite worked out, and how he contacted her out of the blue and wanted her to come work with him in a city like 3 hours to the south. It was supposed to be a real high-paying and valuable marketing gig (why is it the Millennial-type near-narcissists gravitate towards marketing at some point, I wonder). He needed her to come down for interviews and to show her the place, and she would be staying with him and his wife--oops! That's right. He suddenly blurted out that he's divorcing said wife and said they would stay in their own hotel room for the week.
This happened over and over. All the red flags were there. She made me cut off contact with the ex I almost married (but with whom I had been broken up for 6-7 years), and who's been a friend for like 12 years, because it made her uncomfortable. She insisted we shouldn't keep contact with people we slept with, but then it turns out she has a few herself because she always talks about their dick size or how the girl was the life-long crush (her own words).
So the upshot if it was, I let her down on Sunday. I'd been trying for months, but...it's an awkward place. Is it weird to have not let someone go before at this age? Maybe...I dunno! I'm not exactly the God of Dating. I ended up telling her that we were so not at the right place for a real relationship, which is true, and she was even like "Um...are you breaking up, or just telling me to cool my jets?" I'm like "I think breaking up would be good."
She said it was the nicest dump she's ever been through, lol!
Anyway, maybe it's Mom being terminally ill, maybe it's watching her suffer all the time and realizing that I need to get my shit more together (I mean, I have a job and a car and pay for shit and all, but I'd like to actually do adult shit like save money and take care of real issues), I dunno. But I'm more assertive and I think I'm at the point where it's like "Hey, I gotta do what works."
Now, I'm gonna say stuff that may rile a few feathers (fur?), but here we go:
If you find yourself mostly sitting around at home and sleeping and enjoying only your hobbies, a relationship will not save you, and nobody owes you shit. If you find yourself feeling "spoiled" because your lover does shit like always drives to see you and pays for everything and you don't even give him birthday presents and stuff, you feel like there's just something to the feelings of love you have for the person, you're not a good partner in a relationship.
I feel that a lot of people these days can bury themselves easily in the world of social media, the world of easily accessed videos, the worlds of...I dunno, everything that's readily at our fingertips. A loooot of people these days just bury themselves in fantasy land and don't really do anything in their lives, and that's just not good for anyone around them.
I know I'm guilty, as are so many these days, of overusing the "narcissist" word, and that most of the people like this aren't narcissists really, but they're at least narcissist-adjacent.
Wanna be taken seriously? Do real stuff! It doesn't have to be like my last weird fling with the asexual that drove me insane, where she touted her (supposed) 180 IQ, where she talked about how she graduated from a prestigious university in Japan (which was actually part of an exchange program--she actually graduated from some university in Wisconsin or some shit but studied a bit in Japan), you don't have to have some world-changing paper you'd use as a thesis to become a fellow in the field of economics with a PhD and all that...you just have to be able to give people what they need if you want a relationship. This goes for friendships, romances, and family--and yourself! I feel that just atrophying in your room without working and feeling justified in every belief you have and getting into huge arguments with people about it because you're like some Space Pope deigning to the world of mortals to bring the light of clarity--this is just wrong.
And these people are so hypocritical!
Seriously, this kind of thing...it's like the other people on the left who make me ashamed to tell people I'm on the left politically. They basically got Trump elected by caring SO MUCH for relatively trivial issues like "cultural appropriation" and by doing obviously moronic things to protest such as trying to set up "safe spaces" and all that. Meanwhile, nobody cared about the way Glass-Steagall was neutered, the fact that our economy keeps getting in ridiculous bubbles, the fact that college costs in the U.S. are what are preposterous and not necessarily the loans, the fact that, yes, we have lost manufacturing in this country, and I mean...just the fact that everything is so goddamn fake and it's exhausting. And so, people turned to someone outside the system to try and break stuff up--I get it.
Seriously, the best you can do if you're worried about things in the world or life or whatever is to go out and find something to do so you can provide for yourself and those around you and to nurture and care for them. That's it!
And so few people do that these days, it seems....
Anyway, I feel pretty good about it all, though I did hurt her and she's still recovering and all upset and such. But dammit, I mean...c'mon. We gotta take care of ourselves.
.... CIS-and non-CIS...human or animal-identifying...um, he/she/.....?
....
Let's start over
Hey y'all!
Billy Rabb-ee in the place ta BE! Well, I dunno if FA is the place to be, but that's neither here nor there.
So, after 4 weird months, I actually was the dumper for the second time ever.
Usually, I'm the type of dodo bird who romantically clings to the notion that I can stick with anything, excuses a lot of stuff for my honey, puts up with shit, etc. until I've been miserable for years. I mean, I do believe there can be "love of my life" stuff, where someone is loyal and loving and supportive 100% of their beloved, and gets it in return. It takes a lot of patience and compromise to make a long-term thing.
But now? I'm finally assertive enough to be all "this ain't working."
I hate hurting people (gee), but...OK, lemme get into the specifics on this one.
About a year ago, I went to my young friends' Holiday party. Usually the type who just shuffles around by the refreshments table wondering exactly how long is socially acceptable to stay at a party before going home when in a room of strangers, I actually found a rather cute lady to chat with who had a brain and some shared nerdy interests. It was fun, though I had to go home to take care of my mother, who had mobility issues at the time and was recovering from an operation.
Then, in May, I suddenly get a friend suggestion on FB from the hostess of said party. I didn't even know this was a thing, but you can apparently tell someone "Hey, you should befriend this homeskillet!" on FB because FB is the land of vapid inanities that don't matter in real life but are there for people to live their weird, pretend, narcissistic lives and their farts will never smell again and la la la.
I was like "?--Oh, it's that girl I met months ago."
So anyway, like a month and a half later, I go to said hostess's engagement party because the host saddled me with the dubious onus of being best man, and there's said chiquita bonita. We ended up rapping quite a bit, so when I left, I was like "Well, maybe I'll add her, sure."
This is where warning signs started.
On the entire ride back to her house (which is like 45 minutes to an hour) she immediately was hitting me up on FB Messenger (an app that should just go because it tells people exactly how long their chat partner has sat on messages and when they're active and makes people all anxious and crazy).
We met again at the bachelor/bachelorette party (yes, they combined them...how fucking...spineless, right??), which was in Vegas (VEGAS, BAY-BEE!!!!111).
And then we ended up fucking like animals.
So, like, the day after the weekend of fun fun, she hinted she was in love with me and then posted that I was in a relationship with her on my favorite place (FB, of course!! Thanks, Fuckerberg!). I was hesitant but I accepted because I'm dumb.
We had a lot of plans. "Oh, you've never been to ___?" "Oh, you never went down Route 66?" All that stuff. So, I figured we'd be doing said things.
Nope. She never got up on weekends.
Turns out, she pretty much sleeps all day anyway. Over the next few weeks, it's clear she has no job...and then it turns out she hasn't had one in years and everything she's done for a job has been really short stints as cashiers and such at big chains--and sporadically, at that.
Dudebros, she couldn't see me sometimes because she had to do dishes. She had to clean. I recall two weeks in which every single day I wanted to hang out, she was like "*sigh*...I can't tonight. I have to do dishes, argh....still so many!" She lives with her parents, too, so...yeah, that's another gem. I mean, I live with my mom, but that's because mom is dying of cancer after having had super-bad mobility issues and all...so I'm basically her caretaker (and fuck no to putting her in a home).
She came down to see me once. She lives about 40 minutes away, but with the traffic in the area, like...going up to see her when I was off work at rush hour? Fuck that. Took like an hour and a half sometimes. Then, because she lived at home, she basically insisted on going back to my place, having sex (awkward when your dying mom is in the house), then driving her back up there, then coming back to my place. That's her idea of a date, I guess (just meet and fuck? Meh).
Now, the old me would have been like "This is great though, because she loves me and adores me and always tells me so!" She was pressuring me to get hitched like a half-month after the Vegas trip (around their wedding) and didn't want to use protection at all because she was like "My baby-producing years are running out!!" and stuff. Nobody's ever wanted to have a kid with me, so that sounded awesome, but....
Look, I'm giving way too much info and if she were a furry (maybe she is, considering she spends all night on social things on the net like Gaia), she would find out all these things I didn't exactly address but kinda hinted at over and over, but still.
Oh, here's another nugget: something like a month and a half after we "made it official!! (posting to FB is super serial)," she suddenly starts talking about this guy she had a thing for years ago but it never quite worked out, and how he contacted her out of the blue and wanted her to come work with him in a city like 3 hours to the south. It was supposed to be a real high-paying and valuable marketing gig (why is it the Millennial-type near-narcissists gravitate towards marketing at some point, I wonder). He needed her to come down for interviews and to show her the place, and she would be staying with him and his wife--oops! That's right. He suddenly blurted out that he's divorcing said wife and said they would stay in their own hotel room for the week.
This happened over and over. All the red flags were there. She made me cut off contact with the ex I almost married (but with whom I had been broken up for 6-7 years), and who's been a friend for like 12 years, because it made her uncomfortable. She insisted we shouldn't keep contact with people we slept with, but then it turns out she has a few herself because she always talks about their dick size or how the girl was the life-long crush (her own words).
So the upshot if it was, I let her down on Sunday. I'd been trying for months, but...it's an awkward place. Is it weird to have not let someone go before at this age? Maybe...I dunno! I'm not exactly the God of Dating. I ended up telling her that we were so not at the right place for a real relationship, which is true, and she was even like "Um...are you breaking up, or just telling me to cool my jets?" I'm like "I think breaking up would be good."
She said it was the nicest dump she's ever been through, lol!
Anyway, maybe it's Mom being terminally ill, maybe it's watching her suffer all the time and realizing that I need to get my shit more together (I mean, I have a job and a car and pay for shit and all, but I'd like to actually do adult shit like save money and take care of real issues), I dunno. But I'm more assertive and I think I'm at the point where it's like "Hey, I gotta do what works."
Now, I'm gonna say stuff that may rile a few feathers (fur?), but here we go:
If you find yourself mostly sitting around at home and sleeping and enjoying only your hobbies, a relationship will not save you, and nobody owes you shit. If you find yourself feeling "spoiled" because your lover does shit like always drives to see you and pays for everything and you don't even give him birthday presents and stuff, you feel like there's just something to the feelings of love you have for the person, you're not a good partner in a relationship.
I feel that a lot of people these days can bury themselves easily in the world of social media, the world of easily accessed videos, the worlds of...I dunno, everything that's readily at our fingertips. A loooot of people these days just bury themselves in fantasy land and don't really do anything in their lives, and that's just not good for anyone around them.
I know I'm guilty, as are so many these days, of overusing the "narcissist" word, and that most of the people like this aren't narcissists really, but they're at least narcissist-adjacent.
Wanna be taken seriously? Do real stuff! It doesn't have to be like my last weird fling with the asexual that drove me insane, where she touted her (supposed) 180 IQ, where she talked about how she graduated from a prestigious university in Japan (which was actually part of an exchange program--she actually graduated from some university in Wisconsin or some shit but studied a bit in Japan), you don't have to have some world-changing paper you'd use as a thesis to become a fellow in the field of economics with a PhD and all that...you just have to be able to give people what they need if you want a relationship. This goes for friendships, romances, and family--and yourself! I feel that just atrophying in your room without working and feeling justified in every belief you have and getting into huge arguments with people about it because you're like some Space Pope deigning to the world of mortals to bring the light of clarity--this is just wrong.
And these people are so hypocritical!
Seriously, this kind of thing...it's like the other people on the left who make me ashamed to tell people I'm on the left politically. They basically got Trump elected by caring SO MUCH for relatively trivial issues like "cultural appropriation" and by doing obviously moronic things to protest such as trying to set up "safe spaces" and all that. Meanwhile, nobody cared about the way Glass-Steagall was neutered, the fact that our economy keeps getting in ridiculous bubbles, the fact that college costs in the U.S. are what are preposterous and not necessarily the loans, the fact that, yes, we have lost manufacturing in this country, and I mean...just the fact that everything is so goddamn fake and it's exhausting. And so, people turned to someone outside the system to try and break stuff up--I get it.
Seriously, the best you can do if you're worried about things in the world or life or whatever is to go out and find something to do so you can provide for yourself and those around you and to nurture and care for them. That's it!
And so few people do that these days, it seems....
Anyway, I feel pretty good about it all, though I did hurt her and she's still recovering and all upset and such. But dammit, I mean...c'mon. We gotta take care of ourselves.
Rough year to rougher year to roughest year
Posted 9 years ago(vent journal incoming, but at the same time...I can't post anywhere else thanks to lack of anonymity in 99% of the stupid internet)
I know that everyone goes through rough patches, and what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, but...hey, I'm good! I'm done already, life!
Fuck.
Even people training for marathons have to stop running at some point and catch their fucking breath.
It seems like every New Year, I'm saying shit like "see ya, 2015...don't let the door fucking hit you!" or "goddamn I hope next year I catch a break." 3 years ago, mom's first hip surgery, she had complications and was held at the hospital, I freaked, I started drinking, gained back a bunch of weight, fell in love with someone who just walked all over me and treated me like shit (textbook narcissist--I know it's overused to the point of the accusation almost being meaningless these days, but she seriously is textbook narcissist). Work woes. Personal health issues. 2 years? Health issues, mom's second hip surgery needlessly delayed (Kaiser Permanente SUCKS!), had to stay taking care of her because she was practically immobile, friends being dicks, ex-gf trying to creep back in and still being cold and weird, fucking all sorts of shit. 1 year....
This past year has been the fucking absolute worst. Mom's terminal cancer diagnosis. Drinking. Depression. Getting pushed around and bullied by everyone. Accidentally confessed love I'd had for 8 or 9 years and wrecked that friendship (I knew I wasn't in her league but I seriously care and she was going through a rough patch). Fear of losing a place to live, all my friends fucking moving off or such, getting beaten up and making it through three attempted rapes, realizing I just never have money ever in this shit job that's crushing my soul.... Slept with the wrong person, then slept with another wrong person and am now in a weird situation where two girls are pushing themselves at me and demanding we have children and get married and then being asses and hanging out with other guys and being silent and cheating on me and all sorts of shit.
Then the election....
Oh, did I mention my sister hates me because she has some weird fantasy about me that I hate gay people so I hate her for being in a gay marriage? (Hello, I've been supportive for decades and am kinda bi myself and don't fucking give a fig about that shit because I'm not some Bible-thumping caricature in some shitty '70s show with a "message")
Ma's been in the hospital the past 3 days because she hasn't been able to eat in weeks and is always throwing up bile and now she's on chemo and drips and some anti-nausea shit and feeling better--but it does signify the end. Once she goes I guess that's the end of family for me.
So. This shit is fucking ending.
I don't mean it in a "goodbye 2016...gosh, be better to me 2017!" way (even though I asked the world to stop fucking with me earlier). I mean that I'm gonna fucking not be some whiny little empath, sitting around caring about everybody else. Simply put, everybody else has let me down way worse than expected. How many friends--including my supposed gf--cared about Mom being super-sick and didn't take it as an offense that I wasn't going out of my way to race over and spend my money and time on their petty shit? Oh yeah, none.
Fucking none.
In order for me to survive I gotta cut the shit and push for myself. Fuck this job! I'll find another one and hang 'em out to dry. Fuck my ex-fiancee (whom I dated for 6 years and hung out with for 6 more)! She doesn't care about me in this time of need, she can just fucking bop around in her dumb little world and I don't give a shit. Fuck my current gf (I've been trying to slow it down or break up with her anyway but she literally won't come see me unless it's something with family or friends so I can never talk)! She's like all "Oh...I'm so down because we're not having sex" while my mom is fucking lying there in super-pain possibly dying and I walked into her room like a hundred times each night just to check?? (I can't sleep with her anywhere else because she lives with her parents and is a loser who has no interest in working)
Sick of losers trampling all over me with their petty little nits about their idiot obsessions with married people or whatever dumbfuck shit they whine at me about, sick of never getting a bonus or raise or vacation, sick of just sitting at home worrying about Mom and sick of blah blah
So.
Stop!
Again I don't mean that as a prayer, like "oh world, please let me be...." I mean that as in the next time someone does anything that doesn't sit right with me, or starts babbling to me about their shit, it's like...I'm gonna be all "Stop." I ain't got time for shit anymore. I got no one but me but that means I'll just have to fight and not carry other people's woes on my shoulders. Sex? Sure. A relationship again? Sure! But the first thing that doesn't sit right I'm gonna be like "Listen, fuck this." I don't care.
So. Join with me, people who suffered recently! Let's work to make 2017 our year.
I know that everyone goes through rough patches, and what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, but...hey, I'm good! I'm done already, life!
Fuck.
Even people training for marathons have to stop running at some point and catch their fucking breath.
It seems like every New Year, I'm saying shit like "see ya, 2015...don't let the door fucking hit you!" or "goddamn I hope next year I catch a break." 3 years ago, mom's first hip surgery, she had complications and was held at the hospital, I freaked, I started drinking, gained back a bunch of weight, fell in love with someone who just walked all over me and treated me like shit (textbook narcissist--I know it's overused to the point of the accusation almost being meaningless these days, but she seriously is textbook narcissist). Work woes. Personal health issues. 2 years? Health issues, mom's second hip surgery needlessly delayed (Kaiser Permanente SUCKS!), had to stay taking care of her because she was practically immobile, friends being dicks, ex-gf trying to creep back in and still being cold and weird, fucking all sorts of shit. 1 year....
This past year has been the fucking absolute worst. Mom's terminal cancer diagnosis. Drinking. Depression. Getting pushed around and bullied by everyone. Accidentally confessed love I'd had for 8 or 9 years and wrecked that friendship (I knew I wasn't in her league but I seriously care and she was going through a rough patch). Fear of losing a place to live, all my friends fucking moving off or such, getting beaten up and making it through three attempted rapes, realizing I just never have money ever in this shit job that's crushing my soul.... Slept with the wrong person, then slept with another wrong person and am now in a weird situation where two girls are pushing themselves at me and demanding we have children and get married and then being asses and hanging out with other guys and being silent and cheating on me and all sorts of shit.
Then the election....
Oh, did I mention my sister hates me because she has some weird fantasy about me that I hate gay people so I hate her for being in a gay marriage? (Hello, I've been supportive for decades and am kinda bi myself and don't fucking give a fig about that shit because I'm not some Bible-thumping caricature in some shitty '70s show with a "message")
Ma's been in the hospital the past 3 days because she hasn't been able to eat in weeks and is always throwing up bile and now she's on chemo and drips and some anti-nausea shit and feeling better--but it does signify the end. Once she goes I guess that's the end of family for me.
So. This shit is fucking ending.
I don't mean it in a "goodbye 2016...gosh, be better to me 2017!" way (even though I asked the world to stop fucking with me earlier). I mean that I'm gonna fucking not be some whiny little empath, sitting around caring about everybody else. Simply put, everybody else has let me down way worse than expected. How many friends--including my supposed gf--cared about Mom being super-sick and didn't take it as an offense that I wasn't going out of my way to race over and spend my money and time on their petty shit? Oh yeah, none.
Fucking none.
In order for me to survive I gotta cut the shit and push for myself. Fuck this job! I'll find another one and hang 'em out to dry. Fuck my ex-fiancee (whom I dated for 6 years and hung out with for 6 more)! She doesn't care about me in this time of need, she can just fucking bop around in her dumb little world and I don't give a shit. Fuck my current gf (I've been trying to slow it down or break up with her anyway but she literally won't come see me unless it's something with family or friends so I can never talk)! She's like all "Oh...I'm so down because we're not having sex" while my mom is fucking lying there in super-pain possibly dying and I walked into her room like a hundred times each night just to check?? (I can't sleep with her anywhere else because she lives with her parents and is a loser who has no interest in working)
Sick of losers trampling all over me with their petty little nits about their idiot obsessions with married people or whatever dumbfuck shit they whine at me about, sick of never getting a bonus or raise or vacation, sick of just sitting at home worrying about Mom and sick of blah blah
So.
Stop!
Again I don't mean that as a prayer, like "oh world, please let me be...." I mean that as in the next time someone does anything that doesn't sit right with me, or starts babbling to me about their shit, it's like...I'm gonna be all "Stop." I ain't got time for shit anymore. I got no one but me but that means I'll just have to fight and not carry other people's woes on my shoulders. Sex? Sure. A relationship again? Sure! But the first thing that doesn't sit right I'm gonna be like "Listen, fuck this." I don't care.
So. Join with me, people who suffered recently! Let's work to make 2017 our year.
Thought I'd bump politics with memes
Posted 9 years agoThis one's pretty dumb but whatever.
1. Are you single? - Not at the moment, but soon to be I think.
2. Date girls or boys? - Um, women. I'm not in Jr. High or whatever. I've had a few fun encounters with guys but I don't think I'd date one.
3. Done any drugs? - Pot all the time, coke like 3 times and it was "whatevs."
4. How old are you? - Old as fuck for this place (41).
5. Adidas or Nike? - New Balance
6. Why did you and your ex break up? - She flipped out that I enjoy erotic images and said I was the devil and stuff. I think she just wanted me to help her through college and then didn't want to "be with" me, she just couldn't bring herself to say something that would make her seem not perfect in any way because of narcissism.
7. What’s the most traumatic thing that’s happened to you? - Oh, that's a nice, light question, memestro! Jeezus. Probably being threatened with a gun to stay quiet by the guy who raped me for the first twelve years of my life? I dunno. Lately, my mom getting sick from cancer. Thanks, meme guy! *gold star sticker*
8. Do you have any siblings? - Older sister and two older half-siblings I never see.
9. How tall are you? - 5'11"
10. Do you smoke? - Yeah....
11. Ever been to a festival? - No because I'm a day old. Of course I have!
12. What’s your favourite food? - Too hard to pin just one down...I eat quite a variety, man.
13. Favourite pair of shoes? - I guess New Balance? I pretty much only wear one pair of shoes.
14. Would you ever be in a long distance relationship? - Been there, hated it, won't do it again.
15. Would you ever have a threesome? - Sure, I guess? Depends on who with!
16. Have you had a threesome? - Yeah. It sucked.
17. If someone paid you to delete your tumblr how much would you insist it be? - Hardly anything, I dunno! Who cares about tumblr lol
18. What was your last lie? - Don't even remember
19. Best compliment you have ever received? - I dunno!
20. What is your greatest strength or weakness? - Strength? I'm compassionate and empathetic to a fault (also weakness)
21. What is your perfect pizza? - A real margherita, napolitana
22. What was your first thought when you woke up this morning? - "Dammit."
23. Do you get along with your family? If not why not? - Yeah, now that the one member is gone. My sister pulls weird fantasy battles sometimes but they get squashed pretty hilariously because nobody really has a problem with her.
24. Ugly and live forever or attractive and die in a year? - IDK, lol. Who cares? I wouldn't mind remaining the same and dying in a normal time.
25. What cheers you up? - Sex, good food, fun convo....
26. Weed or Alcohol? - Both! But weed is preferred. Less destructive.
27. What turns you on? - Pretty eyes and smile, then...holding hands, talking dirty, neck nibbles (giving or receiving), this sort of thing.
28. How many relationships have you been in? - I'd count 3 as real, long-term rel's. Been like, dating and shit a lot, but whatever.
29. How many people have you slept with? - Um, like a dozen or something? I'd seriously have to think back.
30. How many followers do you have? - Who cares?
31. Who is your favourite rapper? - Edan the Humble Magnificent
32. Who’s your favourite artist? - Gosh, I dunno! I like so much art--pop modern or classics.
33. If you had to fuck a celebrity who would you fuck? - Yuck, what? HAD to? OK...I guess maybe someone like Natalie Portman? I don't follow celebs too much unless they're really good at acting or something, such as Daniel Day Lewis, Tom Hardy, Maggie Smith, whatever
34. If someone paid you 1 million would you fuck Lindsey Lohan’s dad? - ? I guess for a million I'd fuck a lot of people. I mean, I don't know who her dad is, but it's a million fucking dollars.
35. Kendall Jenner or Kylie Jenner? - Fuck that shit, who cares
36. What’s the weirdest thing that’s ever happened to you? - I dunno, dude, so much fucking weird shit goes on. I literally can't even think of it.
37. What’s the funniest thing that’s ever happened to you? - See above
38. Do you have a job? - Yes. Haven't been out of work in some 16? years or so.
39. On a scale of 1 to 10 how much does tumblr rule your life? - 1, if that
40. If you could sell your soul what would you want in return? - Fuck that, if I had a soul, I wouldn't even understand the concept of selling it. Do I? Who knows or cares, stop thinking about dumb shit.
41. Ever sent nudes? - Yep!
42. Would you ever shave your head? - Already have done sometimes. Probably wouldn't anymore because I like my thick head o' hair.
43. Would you rather sniff coke or MDMA? - WTF is MDMA? Oh, E? Fuck, dude. Eh. Maybe coke...already done that so I know how it is.
44. Instagram or Facebook? - FB
45. Last person that text you? - My gf
46. What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done? - Hmm. Let myself stagnate and be depressed?
47. Ever cheated on a partner? - Yeah.... I had a long run of having never cheated. Decades. Then, I was in a shitty thing I didn't consider a "partner" level but apparently she did. Thinking it was caseual I hooked up, and then was read the riot act and saw that it crushed a few people (not just the one I thought I was casual with, but others who liked me--which is bizarre considering the years-long drought I went through). Gah. No more fuck buddy stuff for me, I don't think it ever works.
49. If you had to choose one way to die what would it be? - Um, I dunno, something akin to a nuclear explosion so I wouldn't even have time to process what was going on?
50. Do you have a crush? If so who? - Of course I gots crushes! And they aren't on here because I'm not a social network twerp. Mostly people from my past with whom I just never got around to hooking up because of timing. We all got those, I think.
1. Are you single? - Not at the moment, but soon to be I think.
2. Date girls or boys? - Um, women. I'm not in Jr. High or whatever. I've had a few fun encounters with guys but I don't think I'd date one.
3. Done any drugs? - Pot all the time, coke like 3 times and it was "whatevs."
4. How old are you? - Old as fuck for this place (41).
5. Adidas or Nike? - New Balance
6. Why did you and your ex break up? - She flipped out that I enjoy erotic images and said I was the devil and stuff. I think she just wanted me to help her through college and then didn't want to "be with" me, she just couldn't bring herself to say something that would make her seem not perfect in any way because of narcissism.
7. What’s the most traumatic thing that’s happened to you? - Oh, that's a nice, light question, memestro! Jeezus. Probably being threatened with a gun to stay quiet by the guy who raped me for the first twelve years of my life? I dunno. Lately, my mom getting sick from cancer. Thanks, meme guy! *gold star sticker*
8. Do you have any siblings? - Older sister and two older half-siblings I never see.
9. How tall are you? - 5'11"
10. Do you smoke? - Yeah....
11. Ever been to a festival? - No because I'm a day old. Of course I have!
12. What’s your favourite food? - Too hard to pin just one down...I eat quite a variety, man.
13. Favourite pair of shoes? - I guess New Balance? I pretty much only wear one pair of shoes.
14. Would you ever be in a long distance relationship? - Been there, hated it, won't do it again.
15. Would you ever have a threesome? - Sure, I guess? Depends on who with!
16. Have you had a threesome? - Yeah. It sucked.
17. If someone paid you to delete your tumblr how much would you insist it be? - Hardly anything, I dunno! Who cares about tumblr lol
18. What was your last lie? - Don't even remember
19. Best compliment you have ever received? - I dunno!
20. What is your greatest strength or weakness? - Strength? I'm compassionate and empathetic to a fault (also weakness)
21. What is your perfect pizza? - A real margherita, napolitana
22. What was your first thought when you woke up this morning? - "Dammit."
23. Do you get along with your family? If not why not? - Yeah, now that the one member is gone. My sister pulls weird fantasy battles sometimes but they get squashed pretty hilariously because nobody really has a problem with her.
24. Ugly and live forever or attractive and die in a year? - IDK, lol. Who cares? I wouldn't mind remaining the same and dying in a normal time.
25. What cheers you up? - Sex, good food, fun convo....
26. Weed or Alcohol? - Both! But weed is preferred. Less destructive.
27. What turns you on? - Pretty eyes and smile, then...holding hands, talking dirty, neck nibbles (giving or receiving), this sort of thing.
28. How many relationships have you been in? - I'd count 3 as real, long-term rel's. Been like, dating and shit a lot, but whatever.
29. How many people have you slept with? - Um, like a dozen or something? I'd seriously have to think back.
30. How many followers do you have? - Who cares?
31. Who is your favourite rapper? - Edan the Humble Magnificent
32. Who’s your favourite artist? - Gosh, I dunno! I like so much art--pop modern or classics.
33. If you had to fuck a celebrity who would you fuck? - Yuck, what? HAD to? OK...I guess maybe someone like Natalie Portman? I don't follow celebs too much unless they're really good at acting or something, such as Daniel Day Lewis, Tom Hardy, Maggie Smith, whatever
34. If someone paid you 1 million would you fuck Lindsey Lohan’s dad? - ? I guess for a million I'd fuck a lot of people. I mean, I don't know who her dad is, but it's a million fucking dollars.
35. Kendall Jenner or Kylie Jenner? - Fuck that shit, who cares
36. What’s the weirdest thing that’s ever happened to you? - I dunno, dude, so much fucking weird shit goes on. I literally can't even think of it.
37. What’s the funniest thing that’s ever happened to you? - See above
38. Do you have a job? - Yes. Haven't been out of work in some 16? years or so.
39. On a scale of 1 to 10 how much does tumblr rule your life? - 1, if that
40. If you could sell your soul what would you want in return? - Fuck that, if I had a soul, I wouldn't even understand the concept of selling it. Do I? Who knows or cares, stop thinking about dumb shit.
41. Ever sent nudes? - Yep!
42. Would you ever shave your head? - Already have done sometimes. Probably wouldn't anymore because I like my thick head o' hair.
43. Would you rather sniff coke or MDMA? - WTF is MDMA? Oh, E? Fuck, dude. Eh. Maybe coke...already done that so I know how it is.
44. Instagram or Facebook? - FB
45. Last person that text you? - My gf
46. What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done? - Hmm. Let myself stagnate and be depressed?
47. Ever cheated on a partner? - Yeah.... I had a long run of having never cheated. Decades. Then, I was in a shitty thing I didn't consider a "partner" level but apparently she did. Thinking it was caseual I hooked up, and then was read the riot act and saw that it crushed a few people (not just the one I thought I was casual with, but others who liked me--which is bizarre considering the years-long drought I went through). Gah. No more fuck buddy stuff for me, I don't think it ever works.
49. If you had to choose one way to die what would it be? - Um, I dunno, something akin to a nuclear explosion so I wouldn't even have time to process what was going on?
50. Do you have a crush? If so who? - Of course I gots crushes! And they aren't on here because I'm not a social network twerp. Mostly people from my past with whom I just never got around to hooking up because of timing. We all got those, I think.
Breaking w/my own rules so I can talk politics
Posted 9 years agoI have a rule never to discuss politics in a public forum or with 99.999% of my friends.
Having been burned all the time for my input on politics and religion in the past, I usually keep things like that pretty much guarded secrets. I even go so far as to neither delete nor respond to most unwarranted comments or posts on the subject of politics. Facebook in particular is a bad spot for me now because I have so many supposed friends who randomly tag me in political posts and tirades, or else comment on my posts inexplicably in one direction because they assume I'm just part of their "team."
So, I really have nowhere to post this because everywhere else on the internet, my identity is plainly out there in the open for all to see, and I'd lose people over something they don't understand.
This election was a protest election. People saw Donald Trump as a messiah to save us from America's decline and from the corrupt and broken system that has continually let a large portion of the population feel powerless. He sold himself as such. He did everything by the book: he insulted and mocked groups of people who are perceived as the "weird," the "other," the "minority," he showed disdain for rule of order in debate, he literally claimed that only he could save us...he packaged himself perfectly. And, he's made bold and preposterous claims such as that he would immediately jail his opponent.
What is perceived as simply corruption of politicians is nothing new. It goes back all the way through the history of civilization. Some of it is blatantly horrible (such as pandering to campaign contributors), but honestly, a rather large portion of what leaves a distaste for politics in the mouths of the citizenry is rhetoric. It's posturing, it's assertion of obviously very distorted and biased arguments, and it's compromise or failure to stick to one's guns.
But that's what politics is, and people often don't seem to know or understand that. It's all compromise and such just to try and get things to work while still shifting power around. It sounds disgusting and machiavellian--and it often is--but that is politics.
What's really been keeping Americans in a weird state is our quality of life really has diminished greatly since 1978 when a landmark Supreme Court decision (Marquette Nat. Bank of Minneapolis v. First of Omaha Service Corp.) led to the deregulation of banks and the neutering of laws established to protect the citizens of the country from the interests of the financial sector--essentially, the robber-barons. It's Greenspan. It's "trickle-down." It's subprime mortgages. It's the lack of a living wage. It's the Citizens United ruling. It's our disenfranchisement, wealth disparity, lack of social programs (compared to almost every other wealthy nation on the planet)...it's the fact that the quality of the life of an American citizen is absolutely unprotected--in fact, preyed upon.
But people don't understand this, because nobody ever wants to think or read up on anything that's not their team's garbage spouted at them (and before anyone starts, I should note that this is clear on both sides).
What we get instead is a bogeyman. This is true throughout history. Trump has made a bogeyman out of many groups but he's also made one out of the political system of America itself.
I have been saying for years now that the country is in decline. I've heard a general rule of thumb from my historian and political-science-studying friends, colleagues, instructors, and from essayists and economists, that a nation state generally only lasts about 250 years. That doesn't mean we're all going to vanish or become absorbed into the British Empire again, or anything; that just means the system itself is going to change in favor of another kind of government.
Let's take Japan as an example (since it's my field of study and the one I'm most familiar with). Following years of wars and disputes among what were tiny republics basically needing to be brought together to form a nation in 1605, a federated, feudal society was established in place of a failed despotic state.
Everyone's familiar with the age of the samurai, but most people buy into their romantic propaganda that it was a time of war and brave warlords fighting it out, but this Shogunate system actually was relatively peaceful and stable. Sure, the country was officially closed, but they did engage in a lot of domestic and foreign trade through the southern port of Nagasaki.
Eventually, however, politicking and the lax enforcement of rules established to keep the feudal lords in place in the various hans (provinces?) combined with lords opting to trade for goods directly in competition with their own people's livelihoods led to a disenfranchisement, again. What happened? A foreign power come along (the U.S. and Britain) and backed a revolution known as the "Restoration" that took place in the late 1860s and early 1870s. The people went with the fascists, who became increasingly so...and about 60 years later, we all know how that ended up.
This country has enjoyed 240 years of peaceful change of power, which is what has supposedly kept us immune to that "250 years" rule. But, I've always been skeptical.
I grew up under Reagan. Don't talk to me about him like he was God made flesh. He engaged in fantasy lies targeting minorities and social programs. He authorized sale of illegal narcotics to fund a ridiculous war to protect his cronies' interests. Worst of all, he touted and successfully brought everyone on board with the idea of "trickle-down."
I mention him because a lot of people are likening Trump to Reagan, and he isn't. He's a power-hungry and manipulative man only interested in his wallet and bragging. Any and all attempts to restore regulation or invest our tax revenues in the people are or to protect the rights of the minority (which, yes, is paramount in importance to a nation's success) are all out the window now.
At best, he will be another Andrew Jackson (one of the worst embarrassments in the history of the presidency of the United States). At worst, he will figure ways to circumvent or change the laws of our nation to the very core of the Constitution and rewrite it into something entirely else--probably a European-style autocracy (read: fascist).
If you voted, good for you! If you voted for Trump, you were either misled, misinformed, or else simply a bigot who simply can't suffer the "weird" or the "other" (wait until it happens to you one day). If you said what I've heard from many, many, many disenfranchised people, these lines of "Well I don't like either one, ha ha ha!" or "I don't care, it's all the same" or "I voted third party" or "I wrote in ___, don't blame me!" or "I didn't even vote, ha ha ha, fuck it" or whatever idiocy, shame on you. Huge shame on you, to quote the guy you just helped accelerate our demise as a nation state.
Anyone cool enough to have read this whole rant...now you probably see why I can't say anything on social media or to any of my friends right now. Sorry, I just had to blow off some steam, but I also wanted to offer this in case people are scratching their heads over the way the world has viewed this election from the beginning.
These next months and years are going to be very hard for America. Even if he hadn't won, they would still be very hard because his supporters are in the tens of millions, so politicians will all now take note and realize they have to change their tune--to his.
All I can say is I hope everyone tries to protect themselves and those they care about because I can't imagine any amount of political activism will do even the slightest modicum of good for generations to come.
Having been burned all the time for my input on politics and religion in the past, I usually keep things like that pretty much guarded secrets. I even go so far as to neither delete nor respond to most unwarranted comments or posts on the subject of politics. Facebook in particular is a bad spot for me now because I have so many supposed friends who randomly tag me in political posts and tirades, or else comment on my posts inexplicably in one direction because they assume I'm just part of their "team."
So, I really have nowhere to post this because everywhere else on the internet, my identity is plainly out there in the open for all to see, and I'd lose people over something they don't understand.
This election was a protest election. People saw Donald Trump as a messiah to save us from America's decline and from the corrupt and broken system that has continually let a large portion of the population feel powerless. He sold himself as such. He did everything by the book: he insulted and mocked groups of people who are perceived as the "weird," the "other," the "minority," he showed disdain for rule of order in debate, he literally claimed that only he could save us...he packaged himself perfectly. And, he's made bold and preposterous claims such as that he would immediately jail his opponent.
What is perceived as simply corruption of politicians is nothing new. It goes back all the way through the history of civilization. Some of it is blatantly horrible (such as pandering to campaign contributors), but honestly, a rather large portion of what leaves a distaste for politics in the mouths of the citizenry is rhetoric. It's posturing, it's assertion of obviously very distorted and biased arguments, and it's compromise or failure to stick to one's guns.
But that's what politics is, and people often don't seem to know or understand that. It's all compromise and such just to try and get things to work while still shifting power around. It sounds disgusting and machiavellian--and it often is--but that is politics.
What's really been keeping Americans in a weird state is our quality of life really has diminished greatly since 1978 when a landmark Supreme Court decision (Marquette Nat. Bank of Minneapolis v. First of Omaha Service Corp.) led to the deregulation of banks and the neutering of laws established to protect the citizens of the country from the interests of the financial sector--essentially, the robber-barons. It's Greenspan. It's "trickle-down." It's subprime mortgages. It's the lack of a living wage. It's the Citizens United ruling. It's our disenfranchisement, wealth disparity, lack of social programs (compared to almost every other wealthy nation on the planet)...it's the fact that the quality of the life of an American citizen is absolutely unprotected--in fact, preyed upon.
But people don't understand this, because nobody ever wants to think or read up on anything that's not their team's garbage spouted at them (and before anyone starts, I should note that this is clear on both sides).
What we get instead is a bogeyman. This is true throughout history. Trump has made a bogeyman out of many groups but he's also made one out of the political system of America itself.
I have been saying for years now that the country is in decline. I've heard a general rule of thumb from my historian and political-science-studying friends, colleagues, instructors, and from essayists and economists, that a nation state generally only lasts about 250 years. That doesn't mean we're all going to vanish or become absorbed into the British Empire again, or anything; that just means the system itself is going to change in favor of another kind of government.
Let's take Japan as an example (since it's my field of study and the one I'm most familiar with). Following years of wars and disputes among what were tiny republics basically needing to be brought together to form a nation in 1605, a federated, feudal society was established in place of a failed despotic state.
Everyone's familiar with the age of the samurai, but most people buy into their romantic propaganda that it was a time of war and brave warlords fighting it out, but this Shogunate system actually was relatively peaceful and stable. Sure, the country was officially closed, but they did engage in a lot of domestic and foreign trade through the southern port of Nagasaki.
Eventually, however, politicking and the lax enforcement of rules established to keep the feudal lords in place in the various hans (provinces?) combined with lords opting to trade for goods directly in competition with their own people's livelihoods led to a disenfranchisement, again. What happened? A foreign power come along (the U.S. and Britain) and backed a revolution known as the "Restoration" that took place in the late 1860s and early 1870s. The people went with the fascists, who became increasingly so...and about 60 years later, we all know how that ended up.
This country has enjoyed 240 years of peaceful change of power, which is what has supposedly kept us immune to that "250 years" rule. But, I've always been skeptical.
I grew up under Reagan. Don't talk to me about him like he was God made flesh. He engaged in fantasy lies targeting minorities and social programs. He authorized sale of illegal narcotics to fund a ridiculous war to protect his cronies' interests. Worst of all, he touted and successfully brought everyone on board with the idea of "trickle-down."
I mention him because a lot of people are likening Trump to Reagan, and he isn't. He's a power-hungry and manipulative man only interested in his wallet and bragging. Any and all attempts to restore regulation or invest our tax revenues in the people are or to protect the rights of the minority (which, yes, is paramount in importance to a nation's success) are all out the window now.
At best, he will be another Andrew Jackson (one of the worst embarrassments in the history of the presidency of the United States). At worst, he will figure ways to circumvent or change the laws of our nation to the very core of the Constitution and rewrite it into something entirely else--probably a European-style autocracy (read: fascist).
If you voted, good for you! If you voted for Trump, you were either misled, misinformed, or else simply a bigot who simply can't suffer the "weird" or the "other" (wait until it happens to you one day). If you said what I've heard from many, many, many disenfranchised people, these lines of "Well I don't like either one, ha ha ha!" or "I don't care, it's all the same" or "I voted third party" or "I wrote in ___, don't blame me!" or "I didn't even vote, ha ha ha, fuck it" or whatever idiocy, shame on you. Huge shame on you, to quote the guy you just helped accelerate our demise as a nation state.
Anyone cool enough to have read this whole rant...now you probably see why I can't say anything on social media or to any of my friends right now. Sorry, I just had to blow off some steam, but I also wanted to offer this in case people are scratching their heads over the way the world has viewed this election from the beginning.
These next months and years are going to be very hard for America. Even if he hadn't won, they would still be very hard because his supporters are in the tens of millions, so politicians will all now take note and realize they have to change their tune--to his.
All I can say is I hope everyone tries to protect themselves and those they care about because I can't imagine any amount of political activism will do even the slightest modicum of good for generations to come.
TMI Tuesday...I suppose! (Naughty only)
Posted 9 years agoHey
Bored
Work driving me up a wall, rel still going relatively smoothly but a couple of hitches have been hit and I'm trying to slow stuff down since it's only been 2 months and stuff is getting a little out of hand and...maybe too complicated to babble about but I think we can make it through it
What else
Ma's cancer's progressing and I'm stressed
SO!
Ask me anything! If ya want. Make it naughty, though. I wanna talk shop here.
Bored
Work driving me up a wall, rel still going relatively smoothly but a couple of hitches have been hit and I'm trying to slow stuff down since it's only been 2 months and stuff is getting a little out of hand and...maybe too complicated to babble about but I think we can make it through it
What else
Ma's cancer's progressing and I'm stressed
SO!
Ask me anything! If ya want. Make it naughty, though. I wanna talk shop here.
It performs the meme about itself
Posted 9 years agoStolen another dumb meme for no reason, this time from the lovely 
hoot
- Name: Wouldn't you like to know :P
- Single or taken: Single. Looking again.
- Sex: Duder
- Birthday: 7 November
- Sign: Scorpio *sting*
- Hair color: Brown (was blond...so it's got a little blond still)
- Eye color: Blue!
- Height: 5'11"
- Are you straight/bisexual/gay?: Demisexual until it's established, then it's on. Mostly straight. Some oral on guys in the past...not sure if it'd happen again, though (sorry, gents!)
____________________________________________________________________________
S P E C I F I C S
____________________________________________________________________________
- What kind of shampoo do you use?: Whatever is cheap lol Naw, usually Pantene or something.
- What are you listening to right now?: Nothing
- Who is the last person that called you?: My alma mater begging for donations, lmfaoooo
- How many buddies are online right now?: IDK I don't usually use messagers except the FB one and I don't even use that much
____________________________________________________________________________
F A V O U R I T E S
____________________________________________________________________________
- Animal: I know my fursona is a rabbit but I'd say sexy wolves and dogs, llamas, goats, horses, kitties, raccoons, and and and
- Colour: Blue!
- Drink: Tea or scotch
- Element: Ununoctium
- Food: Too many to think of just one. 김치재육볶음? Tlayudas? Al pastor tacos? お好み焼き? Steak au poivre? Croques-madames? Fry-ups? I dunno I like tons of food.
- Game: Too many to name just one but I did write the guides for the 龍が如く games back in the day. Dunno if it's my favorite series, though. Maybe Bayonetta is my favorite game?
- Movie: Too many to name, again, but probably 박하가탕, 머다, いきる, Duck Soup, Psycho, 長輩, The Grand Budapest Hotel, The Jerk, I dunno I like lots of movies
- Song: Ha ha ha! I was a music comp major for a while there and ran a music store. I got way too many songs to mention in just about all genres
- Subjects in school: Languages, poli sci, history, physics, lit....
- T.V.: Dunno, I watch an awful lot. Luther is a great show right now.
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H A V E | Y O U | E V E R
____________________________________________________________________________
- Given anyone a bath?: Yep!
- Smoked?: Unfortunately. Still do. Weed, too--which is way better for you.
- Bungee jumped?: Fuck that shit, yo
- Made yourself throw up?: Nope
- Skinny dipped?: Yup
- Ever been in love?: Yup....
- Made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: No, wtf lol I ain't no drama llama
- Pictured your crush naked?: Sure thing!
- Actually seen your crush naked?: Not my current one, no >:(
- Cried when someone died?: Yep....
- Lied: Never! :P
- Fallen for your best friend?: That's the only way I can do it, which confuses most people because they meet someone expressedly to be with them. I don't even understand that shit, as a mini-rant. You guys...go with it, good for you! It literally makes no sense to me to just be like "Oh hey! We made eye contact! Let's chat and fuck and plan a future!"
- Used someone?: Yes, for sex.... I don't like to admit that, but, whatever.
- Done something you regret?: All the bloody time
____________________________________________________________________________
C U R R E N T
____________________________________________________________________________
- Clothes: Dockers and a black T-shirt that features the worst graffiti I ever saw of a badly drawn taco with the word "TAKKO?" above it.
- Desktop picture: 龍が如く 見参! KENZAN
- CD in player: Tago Mago by Can
- DVD in player: Some disc from some season of Call The Midwife
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L A S T | P E R S O N
____________________________________________________________________________
- You touched: This fuck-buddy I have developed...which is shocking to me still because I hadn't done sex in like 6 years :X
- Hugged: Same
- You kissed: The same!
- You IMed: My ex, who needs advice on a job interview
- Talk to online: This gal who likes me and I kinda like but am not sure yet
- You sexed it up with: The aforementioned fuck-buddy
___________________________________________________________________________
A R E | Y O U
___________________________________________________________________________
- Understanding?: Everyone always says I am because I'm a good listener, I think. I try to be!
- Open-minded?: Yup!
- Arrogant?: Sometimes, but after that narcissist tore my heart to shreds, I get way to disgusted and full of self-doubt for that.
- Insecure?: Oh my, yes. See the above comment.
- Random?: Always. Do dem doo-dads do dat do dat Dad dun did do, do dey? Do dey?
- Hungry?: Nope
- Smart?: I don't wish to brag, but, yes. Highest percentile type.
- Moody?: Too chill to get my mood on, moogster
- Organized?: NOPE!
- Shy?: Oh my, yes
- Difficult?: Naw, I'm always told I'm laid-back.
- Bored easily?: Yep! Always bored.
- Entertained easily?: Naw.
- Obsessed?: Not really
- Lazy?: Oh heeeeell, yeah
- Angry?: Certain topics make me get angry, but I'm almost always pretty cool-headed.
- Happy?: Not really
- Hyper?: Not right now...what is sleep...halp
- Trusting?: Not really, but once I know someone I am loyal to a fault.
___________________________________________________________________________
R A N D O M
___________________________________________________________________________
- In the morning: WTF? Sex in the morning? Sure! Great time for it.
- Love is: Understanding a fellow living being and accepting them, and wanting to see them succeed and be happy, and doing all you can for them to do so.
- I dream about: My dreams are weird as fuck. I remember the weirdest recent one where I was filming a movie about a hotelier who gets sent as a punishment of sorts to the worst hotel in the franchise, which is in the Himalayas, and he has to be there in winter. The wall breaks and snow gets in and there's these weird animals fighting it out, there's a bunch of crazy guests, and at times it's me really doing it instead of it being me making a movie. Then, all of a sudden, this guy comes in...and it's Popeye the Sailor, and the movie totally shifts to a comical tone with cartoon music and shit as he beats the shit out of the antagonist. I actually woke up laughing, and it's not even funny. WTF, brain.
- What do you notice first in the sex you're into: Eyes, eyes, eyes, yeah! Smiles is nices, too, as are necks, ears, and hands. Sound weird? I don't think it actually is.
___________________________________________________________________________
W H O
___________________________________________________________________________
- Makes you laugh the most: John Oliver...? Dunno.
- Makes you smile: The girl I'm crushing on and my pup and kitty!
- Gives you a funny feeling when you see him/her: The girl I'm crushing on and this fucking weird creepy big dude at my local bar who hits on me and never lets up, though it's like "No, bro"
_____________________________
D O | Y O U | E V E R
___________________________________________________________________________
- Sit on the internet all night waiting for that someone special to IM you?: Sometimes...but these days, it's all done on the phone. Question seems a little outdated.
- Wish you were a member of the opposite sex?: Sometimes, yep! If I could, like, magically switch when I wanted, or else just have like a day or week as a gal I'd try it. But permanently...? Naw, I'm good.
- Wish you were younger?: Always. I forget how old I am until mirrors.
- Cry because someone said something to you?: Um, I HAVE, but it's usually very hard to make me cry. I almost never do. I just get sad and quiet.
___________________________________________________________________________
N U M B E R
___________________________________________________________________________
- Of times I have had my heart broken?: Why you asking me how many times your heart has been broken, memestro? Har har. Anyway, oh...a fucking whole mess of times. It probably looks like a mosaic now.
- Of Cd's: Waaaaaaaaay too many to count, dude.
- Of scars on my body: Uh...I used to have a couple minor ones but they's all gone.
- Of bones I've broken: Nope!
hoot- Name: Wouldn't you like to know :P
- Single or taken: Single. Looking again.
- Sex: Duder
- Birthday: 7 November
- Sign: Scorpio *sting*
- Hair color: Brown (was blond...so it's got a little blond still)
- Eye color: Blue!
- Height: 5'11"
- Are you straight/bisexual/gay?: Demisexual until it's established, then it's on. Mostly straight. Some oral on guys in the past...not sure if it'd happen again, though (sorry, gents!)
____________________________________________________________________________
S P E C I F I C S
____________________________________________________________________________
- What kind of shampoo do you use?: Whatever is cheap lol Naw, usually Pantene or something.
- What are you listening to right now?: Nothing
- Who is the last person that called you?: My alma mater begging for donations, lmfaoooo
- How many buddies are online right now?: IDK I don't usually use messagers except the FB one and I don't even use that much
____________________________________________________________________________
F A V O U R I T E S
____________________________________________________________________________
- Animal: I know my fursona is a rabbit but I'd say sexy wolves and dogs, llamas, goats, horses, kitties, raccoons, and and and
- Colour: Blue!
- Drink: Tea or scotch
- Element: Ununoctium
- Food: Too many to think of just one. 김치재육볶음? Tlayudas? Al pastor tacos? お好み焼き? Steak au poivre? Croques-madames? Fry-ups? I dunno I like tons of food.
- Game: Too many to name just one but I did write the guides for the 龍が如く games back in the day. Dunno if it's my favorite series, though. Maybe Bayonetta is my favorite game?
- Movie: Too many to name, again, but probably 박하가탕, 머다, いきる, Duck Soup, Psycho, 長輩, The Grand Budapest Hotel, The Jerk, I dunno I like lots of movies
- Song: Ha ha ha! I was a music comp major for a while there and ran a music store. I got way too many songs to mention in just about all genres
- Subjects in school: Languages, poli sci, history, physics, lit....
- T.V.: Dunno, I watch an awful lot. Luther is a great show right now.
____________________________________________________________________________
H A V E | Y O U | E V E R
____________________________________________________________________________
- Given anyone a bath?: Yep!
- Smoked?: Unfortunately. Still do. Weed, too--which is way better for you.
- Bungee jumped?: Fuck that shit, yo
- Made yourself throw up?: Nope
- Skinny dipped?: Yup
- Ever been in love?: Yup....
- Made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: No, wtf lol I ain't no drama llama
- Pictured your crush naked?: Sure thing!
- Actually seen your crush naked?: Not my current one, no >:(
- Cried when someone died?: Yep....
- Lied: Never! :P
- Fallen for your best friend?: That's the only way I can do it, which confuses most people because they meet someone expressedly to be with them. I don't even understand that shit, as a mini-rant. You guys...go with it, good for you! It literally makes no sense to me to just be like "Oh hey! We made eye contact! Let's chat and fuck and plan a future!"
- Used someone?: Yes, for sex.... I don't like to admit that, but, whatever.
- Done something you regret?: All the bloody time
____________________________________________________________________________
C U R R E N T
____________________________________________________________________________
- Clothes: Dockers and a black T-shirt that features the worst graffiti I ever saw of a badly drawn taco with the word "TAKKO?" above it.
- Desktop picture: 龍が如く 見参! KENZAN
- CD in player: Tago Mago by Can
- DVD in player: Some disc from some season of Call The Midwife
____________________________________________________________________________
L A S T | P E R S O N
____________________________________________________________________________
- You touched: This fuck-buddy I have developed...which is shocking to me still because I hadn't done sex in like 6 years :X
- Hugged: Same
- You kissed: The same!
- You IMed: My ex, who needs advice on a job interview
- Talk to online: This gal who likes me and I kinda like but am not sure yet
- You sexed it up with: The aforementioned fuck-buddy
___________________________________________________________________________
A R E | Y O U
___________________________________________________________________________
- Understanding?: Everyone always says I am because I'm a good listener, I think. I try to be!
- Open-minded?: Yup!
- Arrogant?: Sometimes, but after that narcissist tore my heart to shreds, I get way to disgusted and full of self-doubt for that.
- Insecure?: Oh my, yes. See the above comment.
- Random?: Always. Do dem doo-dads do dat do dat Dad dun did do, do dey? Do dey?
- Hungry?: Nope
- Smart?: I don't wish to brag, but, yes. Highest percentile type.
- Moody?: Too chill to get my mood on, moogster
- Organized?: NOPE!
- Shy?: Oh my, yes
- Difficult?: Naw, I'm always told I'm laid-back.
- Bored easily?: Yep! Always bored.
- Entertained easily?: Naw.
- Obsessed?: Not really
- Lazy?: Oh heeeeell, yeah
- Angry?: Certain topics make me get angry, but I'm almost always pretty cool-headed.
- Happy?: Not really
- Hyper?: Not right now...what is sleep...halp
- Trusting?: Not really, but once I know someone I am loyal to a fault.
___________________________________________________________________________
R A N D O M
___________________________________________________________________________
- In the morning: WTF? Sex in the morning? Sure! Great time for it.
- Love is: Understanding a fellow living being and accepting them, and wanting to see them succeed and be happy, and doing all you can for them to do so.
- I dream about: My dreams are weird as fuck. I remember the weirdest recent one where I was filming a movie about a hotelier who gets sent as a punishment of sorts to the worst hotel in the franchise, which is in the Himalayas, and he has to be there in winter. The wall breaks and snow gets in and there's these weird animals fighting it out, there's a bunch of crazy guests, and at times it's me really doing it instead of it being me making a movie. Then, all of a sudden, this guy comes in...and it's Popeye the Sailor, and the movie totally shifts to a comical tone with cartoon music and shit as he beats the shit out of the antagonist. I actually woke up laughing, and it's not even funny. WTF, brain.
- What do you notice first in the sex you're into: Eyes, eyes, eyes, yeah! Smiles is nices, too, as are necks, ears, and hands. Sound weird? I don't think it actually is.
___________________________________________________________________________
W H O
___________________________________________________________________________
- Makes you laugh the most: John Oliver...? Dunno.
- Makes you smile: The girl I'm crushing on and my pup and kitty!
- Gives you a funny feeling when you see him/her: The girl I'm crushing on and this fucking weird creepy big dude at my local bar who hits on me and never lets up, though it's like "No, bro"
_____________________________
D O | Y O U | E V E R
___________________________________________________________________________
- Sit on the internet all night waiting for that someone special to IM you?: Sometimes...but these days, it's all done on the phone. Question seems a little outdated.
- Wish you were a member of the opposite sex?: Sometimes, yep! If I could, like, magically switch when I wanted, or else just have like a day or week as a gal I'd try it. But permanently...? Naw, I'm good.
- Wish you were younger?: Always. I forget how old I am until mirrors.
- Cry because someone said something to you?: Um, I HAVE, but it's usually very hard to make me cry. I almost never do. I just get sad and quiet.
___________________________________________________________________________
N U M B E R
___________________________________________________________________________
- Of times I have had my heart broken?: Why you asking me how many times your heart has been broken, memestro? Har har. Anyway, oh...a fucking whole mess of times. It probably looks like a mosaic now.
- Of Cd's: Waaaaaaaaay too many to count, dude.
- Of scars on my body: Uh...I used to have a couple minor ones but they's all gone.
- Of bones I've broken: Nope!
Finally...BillyRabbit is BACK in FA!
Posted 9 years agoIf ya SMEEEELLLL
...go take a shower
(I love making outdated references people probably don't get! Yay, me?)
Anyway, I got locked out when the passwords were reset because my original email got all hackified and I simply can't get back to it. Yay, Yahoo? Why is there nowhere for me to write and say "I've had this for 20 years, and now it's some other chowderhead...great. Resolve this?"
Anyway, big news is--not really there. I'm gonna be best man at a wedding in August and I have one to attend as a date in July (maybe not really a date as she's just an old friend, but, still).
And...huh. What else. I got laid the other day after a long dry spell? *high-fives the 0 readers of this journal*
Oh well. To the lurkmobile!!
...go take a shower
(I love making outdated references people probably don't get! Yay, me?)
Anyway, I got locked out when the passwords were reset because my original email got all hackified and I simply can't get back to it. Yay, Yahoo? Why is there nowhere for me to write and say "I've had this for 20 years, and now it's some other chowderhead...great. Resolve this?"
Anyway, big news is--not really there. I'm gonna be best man at a wedding in August and I have one to attend as a date in July (maybe not really a date as she's just an old friend, but, still).
And...huh. What else. I got laid the other day after a long dry spell? *high-fives the 0 readers of this journal*
Oh well. To the lurkmobile!!
Finally saw Zootopia
Posted 9 years agoHi all
My concussion is finally kinda gone after a few weeks so I figured I could sit through a movie.
Zootopia is fine. I know they're saying it's the first Oscar contender because it's a Disney film and they always slaughter that category (lol), but it wasn't mind-blowing or anything. I preferred Inside Out, but, whatever.
Still, it was fine. Kinda predictable stuff but...I mean, it is for kids. I can say I could tell it had many writers as it was uneven and everything was basically deus ex machina for the "mystery."
The characters were great. My big issue with Nick was that whenever he spoke I just pictured the actor doing basically his Arrested Development schtick. But Judy...she is a derned cute, peppy little thing, isn't she?
As for everyone going all "OMG furrieszzesesz" about the film, it's really not tailored to furs. It's just a nice little flick about racism or judging books by their covers and stuff, with a light mystery aspect to it. Some gags were just hilarious and none really fell flat so much as just...it kinda felt like there weren't enough? I did like how they didn't shy away from "SAT" words in some of the dialogue.
Oh well, my $0.02. Also, I ate a great hamburger afterwards at a gastropup so a decent little day.
My concussion is finally kinda gone after a few weeks so I figured I could sit through a movie.
Zootopia is fine. I know they're saying it's the first Oscar contender because it's a Disney film and they always slaughter that category (lol), but it wasn't mind-blowing or anything. I preferred Inside Out, but, whatever.
Still, it was fine. Kinda predictable stuff but...I mean, it is for kids. I can say I could tell it had many writers as it was uneven and everything was basically deus ex machina for the "mystery."
The characters were great. My big issue with Nick was that whenever he spoke I just pictured the actor doing basically his Arrested Development schtick. But Judy...she is a derned cute, peppy little thing, isn't she?
As for everyone going all "OMG furrieszzesesz" about the film, it's really not tailored to furs. It's just a nice little flick about racism or judging books by their covers and stuff, with a light mystery aspect to it. Some gags were just hilarious and none really fell flat so much as just...it kinda felt like there weren't enough? I did like how they didn't shy away from "SAT" words in some of the dialogue.
Oh well, my $0.02. Also, I ate a great hamburger afterwards at a gastropup so a decent little day.
Assaulted. Absent for a while, maybe a whIle more
Posted 9 years agoNews to come.
Basically, I need to move. Too many gang fuckers in the area.
Concussion and scars, swollen jaw, messed up ear and head, two black eyes, and smashed phone.
I bought my first pair of sunglasses in 20+ years.
Anyway, I will be absent for a while longer because lightheadedness from concussions means no looking at computers.
Basically, I need to move. Too many gang fuckers in the area.
Concussion and scars, swollen jaw, messed up ear and head, two black eyes, and smashed phone.
I bought my first pair of sunglasses in 20+ years.
Anyway, I will be absent for a while longer because lightheadedness from concussions means no looking at computers.
VD
Posted 9 years agoSo
All yous whats gots, hope ya got!
I spent my 7th Valentine's in a row with nobody.
Well, that ain't true. I spent it with my ex-fiancée who put me in the Recycling Folder years ago and never really Emptied. It was awkward and I felt the onus to pay for dinner and give her something. Since she's now into drinking (odd since I'm now pretty much a tee-totaller), I got her some Kraken Spiced Rum and some Irish Crème I never heard of that's supposed to get 91pts from Wine Advocate but probably tastes like Bailey's.
Needless to say it was awkward and made me take a long, hard look in the mirror when I got home. She got drunk as a skunk at dinner but was pretty firm in the whole "Why did you get me anything--your'e trash to me now" thing (not that I would get back together with her unless many years of her changing and showing it had occurred, but, I'm getting ahead of myself).
I'm not sure if I'm happy with having wasted a decade of life and getting closer to the age at which the only way for me to have someone would be to become a rich narcissist who didn't mind people liking me just for my money because I'd be using them as a trophy, or if I'm so damned lonely I don't even know what to do when someone tries to show me affection (it seems robotic and odd if anyone flirts with me).
There is someone I rather fancy--and have for years...and have told her as much before with a non-answer--but now I'm not even sure what on Earth I would do if she said she wanted to be together. She spent the weekend with an ex whom she despises (and I'm pretty sure nothing like that transpired on her end).
I think I've reached a point where I no longer trust anyone. The idea of having a mate or lover or what-have-you sounds artificial and like some unearthly fantasy to me now.
I usually don't think about it too much anymore, but VD sure has a way of making you face how pathetic you are in that department, but then also question why that would be even something beneficial in the first place. It's not really an achievement of any kind to have someone like you back, right?
I've been told I'm good-looking. I used to get a little weird about that inside because I don't trust people who pay compliments because I see them as just out to use you for whatever old nag they're selling, but now I just see it as someone just babbling out applesauce for whatever reason.
What to do...?
Oh well, I guess just keep on with work and taking care of my ailing mother (who has gotten worse with her cancer), and hope I can move away from this country before the Trumpster gets in power and makes sure his buddies in the financial district get all the breaks they want to create another bubble while the middle class vanishes entirely and everyone has a rough time except the super-rich. Oh--and tries to get real torture, which he's after.
I've always been a cynic on human nature but these days it's all coming to a head and I don't even want to be around people anymore to begin with. I guess that's my take-away from VD? Oh well.
Anyway, that's the growling from the disenfranchised side. I hope those of you who had people to share it with had a lovely time and I hope the world really is gonna be better and I'm proven wrong!
All yous whats gots, hope ya got!
I spent my 7th Valentine's in a row with nobody.
Well, that ain't true. I spent it with my ex-fiancée who put me in the Recycling Folder years ago and never really Emptied. It was awkward and I felt the onus to pay for dinner and give her something. Since she's now into drinking (odd since I'm now pretty much a tee-totaller), I got her some Kraken Spiced Rum and some Irish Crème I never heard of that's supposed to get 91pts from Wine Advocate but probably tastes like Bailey's.
Needless to say it was awkward and made me take a long, hard look in the mirror when I got home. She got drunk as a skunk at dinner but was pretty firm in the whole "Why did you get me anything--your'e trash to me now" thing (not that I would get back together with her unless many years of her changing and showing it had occurred, but, I'm getting ahead of myself).
I'm not sure if I'm happy with having wasted a decade of life and getting closer to the age at which the only way for me to have someone would be to become a rich narcissist who didn't mind people liking me just for my money because I'd be using them as a trophy, or if I'm so damned lonely I don't even know what to do when someone tries to show me affection (it seems robotic and odd if anyone flirts with me).
There is someone I rather fancy--and have for years...and have told her as much before with a non-answer--but now I'm not even sure what on Earth I would do if she said she wanted to be together. She spent the weekend with an ex whom she despises (and I'm pretty sure nothing like that transpired on her end).
I think I've reached a point where I no longer trust anyone. The idea of having a mate or lover or what-have-you sounds artificial and like some unearthly fantasy to me now.
I usually don't think about it too much anymore, but VD sure has a way of making you face how pathetic you are in that department, but then also question why that would be even something beneficial in the first place. It's not really an achievement of any kind to have someone like you back, right?
I've been told I'm good-looking. I used to get a little weird about that inside because I don't trust people who pay compliments because I see them as just out to use you for whatever old nag they're selling, but now I just see it as someone just babbling out applesauce for whatever reason.
What to do...?
Oh well, I guess just keep on with work and taking care of my ailing mother (who has gotten worse with her cancer), and hope I can move away from this country before the Trumpster gets in power and makes sure his buddies in the financial district get all the breaks they want to create another bubble while the middle class vanishes entirely and everyone has a rough time except the super-rich. Oh--and tries to get real torture, which he's after.
I've always been a cynic on human nature but these days it's all coming to a head and I don't even want to be around people anymore to begin with. I guess that's my take-away from VD? Oh well.
Anyway, that's the growling from the disenfranchised side. I hope those of you who had people to share it with had a lovely time and I hope the world really is gonna be better and I'm proven wrong!
Sonne
Posted 10 years agoI only hope Sonne is ok
I have followed this user for years
I just hope good things come along
I have followed this user for years
I just hope good things come along
Hey! Stop dying already!!
Posted 10 years agoSeriously
They say they go in threes and two of the latest three were a couple of my favorites! Shocked at Bowie, shocked at Rickman.
Dude
2016 is off to a pretty fowled-up start, sez I
They say they go in threes and two of the latest three were a couple of my favorites! Shocked at Bowie, shocked at Rickman.
Dude
2016 is off to a pretty fowled-up start, sez I
Yo...Whassup with taxidermy?
Posted 10 years agoWtf
Why do I see so many taxidized animals on FA now??
Is that a new thing?
I understand that it can be an art but...if I see a raccoon or coyote or whatever, I wanna see a living, healthy one
Wtf
Why do I see so many taxidized animals on FA now??
Is that a new thing?
I understand that it can be an art but...if I see a raccoon or coyote or whatever, I wanna see a living, healthy one
Wtf
Gah my brain
Posted 10 years agoSo tired of staring at numbers and spreadsheets
Someone gimme a million dollars so I can take time off to find another job lol
Someone gimme a million dollars so I can take time off to find another job lol
Meme that reveals how shitty my 2015 really was
Posted 10 years ago1.What did you do in 2015 that you've never done before?
Went Route 66 from here to New Mexico, drove up the 1 (usually take the 5 or 101) all the way from L.A. to the Monterrey Penninsula, broke up with someone on my end (usually get dumped because I will stick with it even if it's not right)
2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Nope! Ha ha ha!! I immediately got drunk like I said I wouldn't. But now that celebrations are over, I will work on that.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No. Actually this is the first year in a while I can say that.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
No :) Yay
5. What countries did you visit?
No other countries, but I did travel for the first time since my real ex (the one I was with the longest) lived in the Bay Area and I saw her every weekend.
6.What would you like to have in 2016 that you lacked in 2015?
Sex. Someone to say they love me. But mostly, because that's not really super-important, some fucking self-esteem would be nice. I miss it.
7.What dates from 2015 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Well I dunno the exact dates, but the day Ma found out she had metastasized cancer and the day that fucking asshole, arrogant bitch told me I should go die alone like her for refusing to hang out with said bitch instead of hanging out with Ma (who had just found out she had cancer)...those are some hefty days.
8.What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Telling that jerk in the last answer off
9. What was your biggest failure?
Falling for that idiot in the first place? Also, drinking too much, too often.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Kinda. Alcoholism set in. I tried to go "cold turkey" but got DT's so now I'm in "taper off" mode. What a loser!
11. What was the best thing you bought?
? I don't care about material shit
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
This other girl who I finally told I have feelings for her after many years of just hiding it because I thought I was too useless for that kind of thing and I stressed--but she was totally like "Dude! Don't stress!! I like you as a buddy" and hugged me and made me feel like I was worth more than nothing
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
That fucking person who said that hurtful comment about Ma. She also told me I was stupid many times and--although we hugged and she relied on me and said I was her bestie and kinda implied she liked me, too--after she said she was asexual (fine by me?), she instead did this fucking ultimate asshat wife-beater (seriously, convicted of it and threatened the cops with a gun that night--my ex-next-door-neighbor!) and told the people at the bar I go to that it didn't matter because I apparently am worthless and all sorts of shit
14. Where did most of your money go?
Rent and food as usual
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
I dunno if I can put that many "really's" in there, but the revival of Star Wars that felt like Star Wars to me was pretty swank
16. What song will always remind you of 2015?
? I dunno. I was a music comp major and ran a music store for a number of years, so I listen to a hell of a lot of music.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Sadder
b) thinner or fatter? Fatter XD
c) richer or poorer? The same, yo. Ain't had a raise in 8 years
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Working out
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Hanging out with negative people
20. How did you spend Christmas?
OK. The Eve was AWESOME! I made Cajun crab cakes and a delish toasted walnut salad--plus we rewatched Star Wars at the Chinese Theater downtown (that's where I saw the original...like, yeah, I'm old).
The day? It blew!! My sister got all upset because she fucked up the roast and told me I was like Dad (who repeatedly abused me) and then stormed out of the house and so I drank the fuck out of alcohol
21. Did you fall in love in 2015?
Yeah.... See, I still say I loved. I know it takes two, but I honestly love two people who don't reciprocate. Oh well.
22. How many one-night stands?
ha ha ha (none, wtf?? I'm not a party bro bro)
23. What was your favorite TV program?
Um, huh. I dunno! Doctor Who, South Park, and a bunch of BBC police procedurals were watched and liked
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Yep! LOL! See above comments! I honestly don't hate her, tho'. I don't "hate." Trump is feared by me and that girl is...so long as she's not around, that's OK.
25. What was the best book you read?
Well, that's a hard one. Maybe that McCarthy one I finally got around to.
26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
IDK dude, that's fucking a crazy q for me
27. What did you want and get?
Not much, really
28. What did you want and not get?
Peace
29. What was your favorite film of this year?
Dude there were a lot of good films. For some reason, I got hooked on watching and rewatching The Drop (with Hardy and Gandolfini). I liked Mad Max. I liked Star Wars. I liked Birdman. I watched Inequality For All and loved it. I dunno, I watch a lot of shit so it's too hard to answer this properly
30. What did you do on your birthday?
WTF did I do, anyway?? I ate dinner with my family and.... I dunno? Birthdays are like "whatever"
31.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
No drinking at all, staying in shape. Having crazy hot sex? LOL I dunno, dude! Winning the fucking lottery?
32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2015?
Ha ha ha
Fuckin'
Tee and whatever clean pants I got lying around
33. What kept you sane?
Nothing. I'm a nut job!
34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Huh. Sexually, or what? Not sexually: Bernie. I feel the Bern!! Sexually? I dunno because although I do (naturally) see someone's physical beauty I get all "yum" about them after knowing them and see them as super-beautiful even if others go "she's, like, plain, bro" and then I wanna go "you know what's plain is how you look with the black eye I'm about to give you because go fek yerself"
35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Jeeze. Um, all of them? Wealth inequality and this broken-ass system of pandering to the super-rich douchebags is always the most important, but...maybe Trump going full-Nazi and everyone being like "ha ha, don't worry! he won't get elected" or "how dare you say anything bad about my team's front-runner, you commie bastard who should be shot to death and fuck you and go die in San Francisco with the other gay hippies you fucking worthless shit"
36. Who did you miss?
My ex -_- I wish...well, I wish. I wish I weren't this fucking pile of idiocy and we could have ever gone to that little cabin in the woods I wanted with her. Fml
37. Who was the best new person you met?
Huh. In 2015? Let's see...some of the new furs I chatted with were pretty awesome. It'd been years since I logged in here and I was like "Dude, I should totally have been on here for a long time--the fuck was I doing?" But in RL.... I dunno! One thing I can say about that bar opening up next to my house is that I have met some cool homies there.
38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2015:
I learned I gotta just grow a pair and let go of the past and move the fuck on because it ain't gonna fix nothing sitting around like a loser
Happy New Year, homeskillets!
Went Route 66 from here to New Mexico, drove up the 1 (usually take the 5 or 101) all the way from L.A. to the Monterrey Penninsula, broke up with someone on my end (usually get dumped because I will stick with it even if it's not right)
2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Nope! Ha ha ha!! I immediately got drunk like I said I wouldn't. But now that celebrations are over, I will work on that.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No. Actually this is the first year in a while I can say that.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
No :) Yay
5. What countries did you visit?
No other countries, but I did travel for the first time since my real ex (the one I was with the longest) lived in the Bay Area and I saw her every weekend.
6.What would you like to have in 2016 that you lacked in 2015?
Sex. Someone to say they love me. But mostly, because that's not really super-important, some fucking self-esteem would be nice. I miss it.
7.What dates from 2015 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Well I dunno the exact dates, but the day Ma found out she had metastasized cancer and the day that fucking asshole, arrogant bitch told me I should go die alone like her for refusing to hang out with said bitch instead of hanging out with Ma (who had just found out she had cancer)...those are some hefty days.
8.What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Telling that jerk in the last answer off
9. What was your biggest failure?
Falling for that idiot in the first place? Also, drinking too much, too often.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Kinda. Alcoholism set in. I tried to go "cold turkey" but got DT's so now I'm in "taper off" mode. What a loser!
11. What was the best thing you bought?
? I don't care about material shit
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
This other girl who I finally told I have feelings for her after many years of just hiding it because I thought I was too useless for that kind of thing and I stressed--but she was totally like "Dude! Don't stress!! I like you as a buddy" and hugged me and made me feel like I was worth more than nothing
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
That fucking person who said that hurtful comment about Ma. She also told me I was stupid many times and--although we hugged and she relied on me and said I was her bestie and kinda implied she liked me, too--after she said she was asexual (fine by me?), she instead did this fucking ultimate asshat wife-beater (seriously, convicted of it and threatened the cops with a gun that night--my ex-next-door-neighbor!) and told the people at the bar I go to that it didn't matter because I apparently am worthless and all sorts of shit
14. Where did most of your money go?
Rent and food as usual
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
I dunno if I can put that many "really's" in there, but the revival of Star Wars that felt like Star Wars to me was pretty swank
16. What song will always remind you of 2015?
? I dunno. I was a music comp major and ran a music store for a number of years, so I listen to a hell of a lot of music.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Sadder
b) thinner or fatter? Fatter XD
c) richer or poorer? The same, yo. Ain't had a raise in 8 years
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Working out
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Hanging out with negative people
20. How did you spend Christmas?
OK. The Eve was AWESOME! I made Cajun crab cakes and a delish toasted walnut salad--plus we rewatched Star Wars at the Chinese Theater downtown (that's where I saw the original...like, yeah, I'm old).
The day? It blew!! My sister got all upset because she fucked up the roast and told me I was like Dad (who repeatedly abused me) and then stormed out of the house and so I drank the fuck out of alcohol
21. Did you fall in love in 2015?
Yeah.... See, I still say I loved. I know it takes two, but I honestly love two people who don't reciprocate. Oh well.
22. How many one-night stands?
ha ha ha (none, wtf?? I'm not a party bro bro)
23. What was your favorite TV program?
Um, huh. I dunno! Doctor Who, South Park, and a bunch of BBC police procedurals were watched and liked
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Yep! LOL! See above comments! I honestly don't hate her, tho'. I don't "hate." Trump is feared by me and that girl is...so long as she's not around, that's OK.
25. What was the best book you read?
Well, that's a hard one. Maybe that McCarthy one I finally got around to.
26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
IDK dude, that's fucking a crazy q for me
27. What did you want and get?
Not much, really
28. What did you want and not get?
Peace
29. What was your favorite film of this year?
Dude there were a lot of good films. For some reason, I got hooked on watching and rewatching The Drop (with Hardy and Gandolfini). I liked Mad Max. I liked Star Wars. I liked Birdman. I watched Inequality For All and loved it. I dunno, I watch a lot of shit so it's too hard to answer this properly
30. What did you do on your birthday?
WTF did I do, anyway?? I ate dinner with my family and.... I dunno? Birthdays are like "whatever"
31.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
No drinking at all, staying in shape. Having crazy hot sex? LOL I dunno, dude! Winning the fucking lottery?
32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2015?
Ha ha ha
Fuckin'
Tee and whatever clean pants I got lying around
33. What kept you sane?
Nothing. I'm a nut job!
34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Huh. Sexually, or what? Not sexually: Bernie. I feel the Bern!! Sexually? I dunno because although I do (naturally) see someone's physical beauty I get all "yum" about them after knowing them and see them as super-beautiful even if others go "she's, like, plain, bro" and then I wanna go "you know what's plain is how you look with the black eye I'm about to give you because go fek yerself"
35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Jeeze. Um, all of them? Wealth inequality and this broken-ass system of pandering to the super-rich douchebags is always the most important, but...maybe Trump going full-Nazi and everyone being like "ha ha, don't worry! he won't get elected" or "how dare you say anything bad about my team's front-runner, you commie bastard who should be shot to death and fuck you and go die in San Francisco with the other gay hippies you fucking worthless shit"
36. Who did you miss?
My ex -_- I wish...well, I wish. I wish I weren't this fucking pile of idiocy and we could have ever gone to that little cabin in the woods I wanted with her. Fml
37. Who was the best new person you met?
Huh. In 2015? Let's see...some of the new furs I chatted with were pretty awesome. It'd been years since I logged in here and I was like "Dude, I should totally have been on here for a long time--the fuck was I doing?" But in RL.... I dunno! One thing I can say about that bar opening up next to my house is that I have met some cool homies there.
38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2015:
I learned I gotta just grow a pair and let go of the past and move the fuck on because it ain't gonna fix nothing sitting around like a loser
Happy New Year, homeskillets!
Omg happy new yarrrrghhh!
Posted 10 years agoYay!
GTFO, 2015!
Posted 10 years agoThis fucking year, can you believe this guy?
Seriously, 2015 was a pretty damn horrid year for me. I guess it was cool that I watched Star Wars return to being good and went driving along Route 66 and up the coast and stuff a few times and some stuff like that, but, I mean, jeeze....
What a shit year!
Developed a shitty drinking problem, took up smoking again, was out of money half the damn time, found out my mom has metastasized cancer, got talked shit to by my ex and sister, then there was my shitty X-Mas fiasco...was lonelier'n heck and got my mind screwed with by the wrong people.
But, yeah! Hey--I'm still here, ya bastards!! (all Steve McQueen in Papillon style)
2016 is gonna rock because I'm gonna MAKE it fucking rock. No matter what comes, I'm just gonna fucking keep my eyes on the prize and when I falter, I'll just get back up.
Here's hoping y'all have a great New Year!
Seriously, 2015 was a pretty damn horrid year for me. I guess it was cool that I watched Star Wars return to being good and went driving along Route 66 and up the coast and stuff a few times and some stuff like that, but, I mean, jeeze....
What a shit year!
Developed a shitty drinking problem, took up smoking again, was out of money half the damn time, found out my mom has metastasized cancer, got talked shit to by my ex and sister, then there was my shitty X-Mas fiasco...was lonelier'n heck and got my mind screwed with by the wrong people.
But, yeah! Hey--I'm still here, ya bastards!! (all Steve McQueen in Papillon style)
2016 is gonna rock because I'm gonna MAKE it fucking rock. No matter what comes, I'm just gonna fucking keep my eyes on the prize and when I falter, I'll just get back up.
Here's hoping y'all have a great New Year!
Gahhh!!! XMAS
Posted 10 years agoOMG
So there's a work neighbor I have been crushing on for eternity and it slipped out during one of my idiot moments and all that....
We weren't hooking up and we've hugged twice (in like 8 years?!), so I mean...we could still talk and be friendly after the idiot moment, but I just figured she was like "Well, a friend is crushing on me, ha ha! Whatever"
You know, like, no interest.
She probably still has no interest but then today, she's like handing me a bag and I'm like "?" and it turned out she bought me some books for Christmas! This is the first time I've gotten a present from someone outside my family in probably 8 years or so.
But, so...like, I'm off tomorrow and I gotta go see Star Wars again at the Chinese Theater downtown (what a nerd) and then go home and make our traditional family dinner of crab cakes (which are the bomb if I do say so myself--I love cooking, tho') and then spend the actual day with my family and she will spend it with her daughter (undoubtedly)
So.... What?! I won't really have time to get her anything!!
I thought about getting her a gift earlier, honestly, but I was like "Man...that's overkill" because I know how it is to have someone you don't want making overtures on you and I thought she'd think I was trying again to do so and now I'm argh
ARGH
-_-
Happy and upset at the same time! See how my nervous brain is?! Ha ha ha
Anyway, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year and if you don't celebrate have a happy day anyway!
So there's a work neighbor I have been crushing on for eternity and it slipped out during one of my idiot moments and all that....
We weren't hooking up and we've hugged twice (in like 8 years?!), so I mean...we could still talk and be friendly after the idiot moment, but I just figured she was like "Well, a friend is crushing on me, ha ha! Whatever"
You know, like, no interest.
She probably still has no interest but then today, she's like handing me a bag and I'm like "?" and it turned out she bought me some books for Christmas! This is the first time I've gotten a present from someone outside my family in probably 8 years or so.
But, so...like, I'm off tomorrow and I gotta go see Star Wars again at the Chinese Theater downtown (what a nerd) and then go home and make our traditional family dinner of crab cakes (which are the bomb if I do say so myself--I love cooking, tho') and then spend the actual day with my family and she will spend it with her daughter (undoubtedly)
So.... What?! I won't really have time to get her anything!!
I thought about getting her a gift earlier, honestly, but I was like "Man...that's overkill" because I know how it is to have someone you don't want making overtures on you and I thought she'd think I was trying again to do so and now I'm argh
ARGH
-_-
Happy and upset at the same time! See how my nervous brain is?! Ha ha ha
Anyway, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year and if you don't celebrate have a happy day anyway!
Hooray
Posted 10 years agoYay
Remember when I posted a really angsty journal that was me basically self-destructing under all the pressure of life that's been getting worse all the damn time for years now?
Apparently, I also sent an e-mail to my ex in which I told her I couldn't continue hanging out. It was very poorly written and definitely had anger in it like "OK I get it, you don't like me like me, so, wtf are we even doing hanging out?"
Yayyyyy.....
What a dodo bird! I seriously gotta either never touch alcohol again or turn my phone off late at night (maybe both).
So, here's what's been up:
1. My ex found out about certain tastes of mine (basically the porn I looked at as you can see from this site) and--even though I hadn't had sex in years by the time we hooked up and never cheated on her or even wanted to--decided to throw the banhammer down on our rel. I was pretty screwed over by it because I had lost a lot of weight and gotten in shape and was gonna try for a new job...we were engaged and I spent a lot of time driving for hours and hours on weekends to see her and really put a lot into it, when she threw it in my face that she was never really into me that way and basically used me to get her through college because I edited and rewrote her essays and shit.
2. Ma had her first hip surgery and so I was stressed about her dying and what-not and started taking care of her and her house and such full-time. It's still like that.
3. She couldn't get her second surgery because of her quack had some health issues so they rescheduled and rescheduled and postponed for years.
4. She was finally gonna get it but she ended up not getting it because they found something weird in her x-rays and after months of testing and scanning and what-not determined she has metastasized cancer all over her body. This is an extra shock because she never smoked, rarely drank, doesn't live in a nuclear reactor, and nobody in my family has ever had cancer.
5. I'm still stuck at this same job because I can't move now and every job in this area is like hours of traffic away and I don't even have time to look because I spend my time basically alone in this office and then taking care of stuff for Ma and the house.
6. I met another chick but dude...that was a nightmare. So much just using me for money and time and to drive her around and buy her stuff--even down to kitty litter. Plus there was no sex involved, which I honestly wasn't too upset about and made me wonder if I were asexual or what. I still don't know the answers to that kind of shit but w/e I don't even wanna think about it too much.
7. I drank. A LOT. This is a direct result of all the shit going on.
In fact, yeah...angsty comments and journals and FB posts have occurred because I found myself so hammered I didn't remember exactly what happened the next day on far too many occasions. My health has deteriorated a bit as a result and I am just now starting to be like "I gotta start being active and be in shape again" and arghhhh
So much the feels!!
Anyway, hopefully no more posts from me waxing all maudlin late at night, but this is the reason for anyone who was like "Da heck's wrong with that dingdong?"
Remember when I posted a really angsty journal that was me basically self-destructing under all the pressure of life that's been getting worse all the damn time for years now?
Apparently, I also sent an e-mail to my ex in which I told her I couldn't continue hanging out. It was very poorly written and definitely had anger in it like "OK I get it, you don't like me like me, so, wtf are we even doing hanging out?"
Yayyyyy.....
What a dodo bird! I seriously gotta either never touch alcohol again or turn my phone off late at night (maybe both).
So, here's what's been up:
1. My ex found out about certain tastes of mine (basically the porn I looked at as you can see from this site) and--even though I hadn't had sex in years by the time we hooked up and never cheated on her or even wanted to--decided to throw the banhammer down on our rel. I was pretty screwed over by it because I had lost a lot of weight and gotten in shape and was gonna try for a new job...we were engaged and I spent a lot of time driving for hours and hours on weekends to see her and really put a lot into it, when she threw it in my face that she was never really into me that way and basically used me to get her through college because I edited and rewrote her essays and shit.
2. Ma had her first hip surgery and so I was stressed about her dying and what-not and started taking care of her and her house and such full-time. It's still like that.
3. She couldn't get her second surgery because of her quack had some health issues so they rescheduled and rescheduled and postponed for years.
4. She was finally gonna get it but she ended up not getting it because they found something weird in her x-rays and after months of testing and scanning and what-not determined she has metastasized cancer all over her body. This is an extra shock because she never smoked, rarely drank, doesn't live in a nuclear reactor, and nobody in my family has ever had cancer.
5. I'm still stuck at this same job because I can't move now and every job in this area is like hours of traffic away and I don't even have time to look because I spend my time basically alone in this office and then taking care of stuff for Ma and the house.
6. I met another chick but dude...that was a nightmare. So much just using me for money and time and to drive her around and buy her stuff--even down to kitty litter. Plus there was no sex involved, which I honestly wasn't too upset about and made me wonder if I were asexual or what. I still don't know the answers to that kind of shit but w/e I don't even wanna think about it too much.
7. I drank. A LOT. This is a direct result of all the shit going on.
In fact, yeah...angsty comments and journals and FB posts have occurred because I found myself so hammered I didn't remember exactly what happened the next day on far too many occasions. My health has deteriorated a bit as a result and I am just now starting to be like "I gotta start being active and be in shape again" and arghhhh
So much the feels!!
Anyway, hopefully no more posts from me waxing all maudlin late at night, but this is the reason for anyone who was like "Da heck's wrong with that dingdong?"
Bumping my stupid drama journal
Posted 10 years agoSo I got stupid again when drunk after meeting my ex for no reason.
I think I need to set some firm goals instead of just moping.
And I need to get back to my interests! I used to doodle a lot (though I thought it sucked too bad to upload). Used to be at the gym 3 hours a day for 5 days a week, used to write, used to write and play music, used to read a lot, used to write guides for my favorite Japanese video game series--I mean, grr!
The past year or so has been brutal.
Anyway, sorry to have posted a stupid journal. I hope you're all well and having a good Holiday season!
I think I need to set some firm goals instead of just moping.
And I need to get back to my interests! I used to doodle a lot (though I thought it sucked too bad to upload). Used to be at the gym 3 hours a day for 5 days a week, used to write, used to write and play music, used to read a lot, used to write guides for my favorite Japanese video game series--I mean, grr!
The past year or so has been brutal.
Anyway, sorry to have posted a stupid journal. I hope you're all well and having a good Holiday season!
I'm so sorry
Posted 10 years agoI know I am.unlovable
Save yourselves
I am a genius who speaks many languages and is capable in many, many fields.
I have published works
But
Nobody could give one shit if I died or not
It's cool
I love you anyway
But I can't go on like this, is all
Save yourselves
I am a genius who speaks many languages and is capable in many, many fields.
I have published works
But
Nobody could give one shit if I died or not
It's cool
I love you anyway
But I can't go on like this, is all
Obligatory "I saw Star Wars!1111!1!1" post
Posted 10 years agoSo I saw Store Wars: OMG, Dude--The Force!! I KNOW!! or whatever it's called.
A month? or so ago--when tix went on sale--my homeskillet bought me a tick so I was kinda obligated to go opening night (something I usually avoid because I have social anxiety and crowds make me wanna crawl into the ventilation duct and hide Solid Snake style). Suffer the L.A. traffic to take 50 minutes to drive like 11 miles, then go to the huge theater at Universal.... Ugh.
Anyway, there were lots of cool cosplay freaks there but I already saw the bulk of them at Comikaze a month and a half ago so.... Yeah. Good crowd, tho'! Nice to be in nerdland, so maybe that's why I still had fun.
I gotta say that I saw the AV Club's recent post on the film and agree pretty much entirely with their points. It's still a great movie to see but I could give criticism, for sure. While it's way better than those vapid, clumsy piles of refuse Lucas vomited up as the Anakin Skywalker trilogy, I didn't think it was as iconic or awesome as the first two films.
Still...I dunno! If you're a Star Wars fan...you won't need to hear it from me, but you'll enjoy it. If you haven't seen them, it's a pretty fun sci-fi action film, so you'll probably still be like "that was pretty cool!"
Oh yeah now for spoilers!!
Stuff blows up a lot
OK back to work (I guess....)
A month? or so ago--when tix went on sale--my homeskillet bought me a tick so I was kinda obligated to go opening night (something I usually avoid because I have social anxiety and crowds make me wanna crawl into the ventilation duct and hide Solid Snake style). Suffer the L.A. traffic to take 50 minutes to drive like 11 miles, then go to the huge theater at Universal.... Ugh.
Anyway, there were lots of cool cosplay freaks there but I already saw the bulk of them at Comikaze a month and a half ago so.... Yeah. Good crowd, tho'! Nice to be in nerdland, so maybe that's why I still had fun.
I gotta say that I saw the AV Club's recent post on the film and agree pretty much entirely with their points. It's still a great movie to see but I could give criticism, for sure. While it's way better than those vapid, clumsy piles of refuse Lucas vomited up as the Anakin Skywalker trilogy, I didn't think it was as iconic or awesome as the first two films.
Still...I dunno! If you're a Star Wars fan...you won't need to hear it from me, but you'll enjoy it. If you haven't seen them, it's a pretty fun sci-fi action film, so you'll probably still be like "that was pretty cool!"
Oh yeah now for spoilers!!
Stuff blows up a lot
OK back to work (I guess....)
Fucking narcissists, dude....
Posted 10 years agoGah.... *sigh*
*headdesk*
I've learned to cull my list of people I talk to.
Recently, I got all messed up by a whirlwind ... kinda romance (it was odd) with a chick who was a total narcissist. She drove me crazy!! Everything was about her, she was always right, she just used the hell out of me for food and groceries and to take care of her cat and for this and that all over, to drive her all over
It was pointless, but it was so hard to break out of it because they are so damned good at their game!
Anyway, after she insulted me and a very close family member who had just been diagnosed with metastasized cancer all over her body because I spent time with said family member instead of her, that was enough and I finally had a way out.
I was exhausted.
Now, I am finding so many narcissists!! I mean, while I was "with" (it was only kinda...don't consider it "real" because it was using nonsense) her, I looked up NPD and she was textbook. I mean, textbook! She had all the traits necessary (you only need like 3 of the 6 qualifiers--she exhibited all 6). After reading up on it, I've developed these "red flag" sensors--and found that many of my so-called friends or romantic interests are total narc scumbags.
Now I get to sit here and babysit this one who frantically messages me a few times a week to hear her ramble about her new dalliances. She moved her lover in while married, so her hubby immediately kicked her to the curb (something for which she vilifies the poor slob) and has been with this same guy ever since (for years now). Yet, every two seconds, she's racing across country to cheat on him. It seems like every week she tells me about two new guys she's sexting and then tells me about how she went to their house and screwed them. And she expects my empathy and sympathy because she's supposedly unable to control it!!
It had been a while, but she's back now....
Nothing like hearing about someone having tons of sexual exploits when I can't even find someone to give me a hug ever and get shot down by people I really like because wealthier people are always there.
Seriously, my last kiss was years ago, my last time having sex was like 6 years ago!! Grr, stfu lady lol
/rant
So how's you?
*headdesk*
I've learned to cull my list of people I talk to.
Recently, I got all messed up by a whirlwind ... kinda romance (it was odd) with a chick who was a total narcissist. She drove me crazy!! Everything was about her, she was always right, she just used the hell out of me for food and groceries and to take care of her cat and for this and that all over, to drive her all over
It was pointless, but it was so hard to break out of it because they are so damned good at their game!
Anyway, after she insulted me and a very close family member who had just been diagnosed with metastasized cancer all over her body because I spent time with said family member instead of her, that was enough and I finally had a way out.
I was exhausted.
Now, I am finding so many narcissists!! I mean, while I was "with" (it was only kinda...don't consider it "real" because it was using nonsense) her, I looked up NPD and she was textbook. I mean, textbook! She had all the traits necessary (you only need like 3 of the 6 qualifiers--she exhibited all 6). After reading up on it, I've developed these "red flag" sensors--and found that many of my so-called friends or romantic interests are total narc scumbags.
Now I get to sit here and babysit this one who frantically messages me a few times a week to hear her ramble about her new dalliances. She moved her lover in while married, so her hubby immediately kicked her to the curb (something for which she vilifies the poor slob) and has been with this same guy ever since (for years now). Yet, every two seconds, she's racing across country to cheat on him. It seems like every week she tells me about two new guys she's sexting and then tells me about how she went to their house and screwed them. And she expects my empathy and sympathy because she's supposedly unable to control it!!
It had been a while, but she's back now....
Nothing like hearing about someone having tons of sexual exploits when I can't even find someone to give me a hug ever and get shot down by people I really like because wealthier people are always there.
Seriously, my last kiss was years ago, my last time having sex was like 6 years ago!! Grr, stfu lady lol
/rant
So how's you?
