So, yeah....

My journal I deleted not long ago was way too "fuck it! I'm just gonna reveal personal shit!"

At the time, I was brave and all "That's dope! Get on out there instead of lurking and stuff!" But....yeah.

Anyway, I did think it would be cool to reveal SOME of what I said without pointing directly at my real name and such.

So...here's something I saw in an artist's journal and I didn't know if it was a meme or if homey just wanted to say a few random things but w/e I'll do it too (all the cool kids are)

.Fave music: DJ Krush, Edan, Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, Rush, They Might Be Giants, Dan Deacon, Charles Mingus, Gil Scott-Heron, Manu Chao, Ella Fitzgerald, Billie Holiday, Johnny Cash, Hank Williams (Sr), Serge Gainsbourg--IDK I like lots o' music!

.Fave food: Mexican (particularly Oaxacan but anything from a taco truck or whatever is fine by me), Croatian, Italian, Indian (particularly vegetarian), South Thai, Korean (especially kimchi jeyuk bokkeum and bibimbap and sun dubu and and and), izakaya food...yeah, I'm a foodie, too!

.Fave games: 龍が如く / Yakuza (especially 2 and 見参! KENZAN), Bayonetta, God of War (especially 2), Zelda (especially Ocarina of Time), the Famicom Disk version of 光神話～パルテナの鏡～ / Kid Icarus, 鉄拳Tag Tournament 2, pretty much all Japanese-made fighters from the '90s and Primal Rage, Shadow of the Ninja, Proxy Blade Zero, I dunno...I play way too many video games and love them to pieces

.Fave gaming machine: Oh Lord, I dunno--PS3? 360? I haven't gotten the latest gen yet

.Fave colour: Blue

.Fave place to relax: Heck, I got a recliner--but the floor is the king

.Fave sexual position: Prolly the one where you lift a gal's legs up and kinda fold her and plow in and such--or doggystyle. Wait! Actually, I know this--giving head. Going down is the bee's knees

.Fave item of clothing: .... No got

.Fave movies: いきる (To Live) by 黒澤明 Kurosawa, El àngel exterminador by Buñuel, Black Swan by Aronofsky, The Drop by Roskam, 박하가탕 (Peppermint Candies) by 이 창동 Changdong I, Mother by 봉 준호 Junho Bong, IDK lots of films

.Where i grew up: Chatsworth, west end of the SFV in Los Angeleez Californiarrgh

.First time getting drunk: I remember my first beer when I was like 10, but not my first time actually being drunk. I think it was while I wasted away in boring ol' Santa Barbara during my college days

.First time having sex: Well, my past is complicated that way thanks to abuse at a young age, but the first time I hooked up with a gal I liked was years later and not very good. The making out was awesome and lasted forever, but then when it got down to it, she didn't want to be seen "down there" or anything because it was also her first time and wouldn't use lube and the position was awkward and she told me to stop because it was hurting her so yeah. Really loved that one, tho'--the sex was never really amazing to be honest (sorry to you, if you ever find this some weird way lol) but I stayed with her for a long time because love love <3 etc

[edit]

That was fun so I guess I'll ramble some more. If I'm following/watching/whatevering you (fucking Internet making us all creepster stalkers!), and I don't +fav all your stuff, don't take it to heart. There are a few reasons for this:

1. I don't like a lot of content. I don't dig anal or rimming, which makes everyone in sexland fucking freak out when they hear that because apparently that's the only thing to do in the world to a lot of people, but I also don't like hyper, scat, vore, tentacles, and especially rape or snuff or gore or w/e. Not shaming anyone here, it's just I'm a fave what I like, you know?

2. I generally am here for the pronz and don't dig the haters who are like "nobody faves clean stuff :(" or "ew--porn is gross!" I also don't like it when people go "how come you faved my clean pic?? I look through your gallery and it's all smutsmut."

3. Maybe, I got tired >.> Sometimes, if you upload like a ton of stuff at once, I get tired of combing through the flood.

Also, I routinely +fave stuff that is of a character I crush on or a situation I love. A lot of artists probably noticed me +faving like 1 of their things and then not watching them. That is possibly why.

Speaking of which, here are some characters I absolutely would fuck, hands-down:

1. Mrs. Brisby (sorry--grew up with NIMH)
2. Robin Hood (I know, I know, yawwn) and Maid Marian
3. Rocket Raccoon I'm almost 100% straight but some males just get me lol
4. Yellow Beast from Power Circuit
5. Gallon/Talbain
6. Felicia
7. A bunch of characters by Hoot
8. Some characters I can't mention here but would on IB (hides)
9. Most ferals

All I can think of for now

https://beta.furrynetwork.com/billyrabbit/

Yay? Now what

There doesn't seem to be a way to just browse stuff.

Boop

Name: Patrick
Nickname: None
Age: 40
Height: 5'10"
Zodiac sign: Scorpio
Any pets? Cute pup (jindo) and ugly cat (??? who knows what she is)
Fun fact: I speak a bunch of languages

Identity, Sexuality & Personality

Gender identity: Male
Sexual orientation: More into ladies, but since I'm unlikeable or unloveable, whatever
Romantic preference: Monogamous but it doesn't matter
"Kinsey Scale" score: Who cares? Kinsey shit sucks
Relationship status: Honestly, probably never going to happen again
Myers/Briggs type: INTP

Routine

"Early Bird" or "Night Owl": Night owl
Bath or shower: Showers, please--don't like sitting in my filth
First thought in the morning: Fuckkkkk
Last thought before falling asleep at night: I don't remember these

School/Work

Do you work or are you a student: Work
What do you do well: IDK
Where do you see yourself in 5 years: Dead?

Habits (Do You...?)

Drink: Too much
Smoke: Too much
Do drugs: Just weed (and rarely)
Exercise: I used to....now I'm too depressed
Have a go-to comfort food: Nah. I'll eat lots of stuff but no go-to's
Have a nervous habit: Not really

What is your favorite…?

Physical quality (in yourself): Eyes, dimples
Mental/emotional quality (in yourself): I'm very intelligent...? I'm loyal and compassionate...to a fault, but I refuse to lose that.
Food: Way too much to list here
Drink: Water or scotch
Animal: Too many to think of a particular one
Artist/Band/Group: Mingus, Floyd, Rush, Zeppelin, the Pixies, Edan, DJ Krush, I dunno I like a lot of music
Author/Poet: Cormac McCarthy, 川端康成, IDK lots
TV Show: Columbo, Foyle's War, Twin Peaks, Last Week Tonight, IDK lots of these, too
Actor/Actress: Gary Oldman, Daniel Day Lewis, Tom Hardy, 설경구, Judy Dench, Katherine Hepburn, etc

1. You started to play videogames at the age of...?
I was too young to realize what I was doing...maybe 3?

2. First game you ever played?
Table Tennis on the Telstar Regent (Pong)

3. First console you owned?
Telstar Regent (Pong)

4. Consoles you own/owned?
Oh my...too many to note, honestly. Pretty much everything until this gen, except handhelds. Not a big handhelds dude.

5. Your favorite genre(s)?
Action, Brawling, Fighting

6. Favorite game character(s)?
I got a lot of these. 桐生一馬 Kiryû Kazuma of 龍が如く/Yakuza, 間島吾朗 Majima Gorô of the same series, Geese Howard, Roger Jr., 州光 Kunimitsu, uh...I dunno, I like a whole lot of characters. I like a lot for pervy reasons, too, like Yellow Beast (Battle Circuit), Gallon/J.Talbain (Vampire/Darkstalkers), lots of Bloody Roar characters, 天照 Amaterasu (大神), Epona, I mean.... Word.

7. Which element(s) in games is/are most important for you (story, graphic etc.)?
People have this argument about story vs. gameplay, but to me it is inherently gameplay. There shouldn't really be that much of a discussion about it in my opinion, as...well, it is a game you're playing after all, so, yeah.

8. You don't care about ...?
Graphics...too much. Design is kinda important, though. I have enjoyed many an ugly game, but it does detract from it, I'd say.

9. Prefer PC or Console?
Consoles.

10. Your current 3 Fav games?
Bayonetta, 龍が如く2 (Yakuza 2), 鉄拳Tag Tournament 2

11. 3 Games you didn't like...
Oh wow, there are way too many to list here. I play lots of games. Most FPS's aren't my bag, so I won't get into that genre or anything.... I guess I could list games in series or genres I do like that were bad, but honestly there were so many it would be a very long list (especially if you consider brawlers...the '80s and '90s were rife with really bad brawlers).

12. One game that's totally overrated in your opinion?
Honestly, I think of Skyrim first. Boring, bad action, full of tons of bugs, etc. I don't think it deserves to be panned or anything, but near-perfect critics scores were a joke. Same goes for Mortal Kombat Deadly Alliance...and the games in my favorite series--in Japan (龍が如く Yakuza). They get super-high scores from Japanese magazines and such but they have lots of issues that just never get addressed in my opinion and should probably get slightly lower scores.

13. Ever played an online game, if yes which one(s)?
? Everyone plays online games sometimes. Guess this meme is old?

14. What do you think about ...Tomb Raider?
Never cared for the series personally, but it's not like the games are bad, or anything.

15. ...Tetris?
*starts singing Tetris music* Played that wayyyyy too much on the GB.

16. ...Sonic?
Eh, never really cared for it too much, though I like the characters. Guess that's why I played Sonic Adventure so much back in the Dreamcast days.

17. ...Spyro?
I barely remember the games but I do recall grumbling at the lack of things that Super Mario 64 had already gotten right like the ability to grab onto a ledge and pull yourself up. Made jumping and such way better in a 3D environment.

18. ...The Sims?
Yay I drowned a bunch of people at a pool party!

19. ...Legend of Zelda?
Oh you mean one of the greatest and most iconic series in video game history? 風のタクト, 時のオカリナ, and 神々のトライフォース were my favorites.

20. ... Assassin's Creed?
Boring to me.

21. GAME OVER!!!
Okay...?

22. Game(s) you'd love to see?
The one I've been designing for forever be actually released and eaten up by the public.

23. Game(s) you're waiting for at the moment?
I actually don't know if there's too much on the horizon for me. A remake of the first 龍が如く...I mean, I'll buy it, sure. Anything by Platinum (especially 神谷秀樹 of Bayonetta/Devil May Cry/etc fame).... I dunno!

24. Tag some gamers here, if you want to.
The Pope, Daniel Day Lewis, Tom Hardy
I dunno, nobody actually reads my journals so I ain't got nobody to tag, hee hee...hee.... :(

J

Jpoop

Jryoop!!11

Blapppabo!

1. Last beverage: Water
2. Last phone call: My ex who is still a friendlylyly
3. Last text message: My homey inviting me to (ostensibly) spooky-ass movie night
4. Last song you listened to: "Spirit of Radio" by Rush
5. Last time you cried: Dunno
6. Dated someone twice: Yes and grr at that shit
7. Been cheated on: Yeppers peppers
8. Kissed someone & regretted it: Narp. Been kissed and didn't want it tho'
9. Lost someone special: Yes
10. Been depressed: Can't remember when I wasn't

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
12. Blue
13. Red
14. Olive

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2015)
15. Made a new friend: Acquaintances, but not really friends
16. Fallen out of love: Oh my, yes
17. Laughed until you cried: No.... :(
18. Met someone who changed you: Yes, for the worse (by far)
19. Found out who your true friends were: Oh my, yes!!! Mom's diagnosis showed who cared and who didn't
20. Found out someone was talking about you: People are always talking shit
21. Kissed anyone on your friend's list: Nope
22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life: Dunno, most of 'em on FB?
23. How many kids do you want: Probably none
24. Do you have any pets: A cuteypie pup and an adorably fucking stupid, ugly cat
25. Do you want to change your name: No...?
26. What did you do for your last birthday: Ate with family
27. What time did you wake up today: 8am!! Fucking flu made me sleep in
28. What were you doing at midnight last night: I think that's when I passed out
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for: Quitting bad habits and getting back to the gym!
30. Last time you saw your Mother: This morning
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: No more drinking or smoking or whining or etc
32. What are you listening to right now: My business neighbors babbling about some reality TV drek
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Yeah! Good buddy of mine
34. Who's getting on your nerves right now: Nobody in particular
35. Most visited webpage: Probably FA!
36. Whats your real name: Patrick
37. Nicknames: "That weird guy over there"
38. Relationship Status: Single and maybe will remain so for eternity
39. Zodiac sign: Scorpio
40. Male or female: Dick-owning-type
41. Primary School: St. John Eudes
42. Secondary School: St. Joseph the Worker
43. High school/college: Chaminade and then UCSB
44. Hair Color: Brown but it was blond so sometimes it gets blondy
45. Long or short hair: Messy-type
46. Height: 5'10"
47. Do you have a crush on someone: Totally, and she knows and is still cool with me somehow
48: What do you like about yourself: I'm very intelligent and relatively good-looking, plus I can be very caring about others
49. Piercings: Besides my shrill, ugly laugh?
50. Tattoos: De plane!!! But, no.
51. Righty or lefty: Leftified

FIRSTS :
52. First surgery: No gots
53. First piercing: No gots
54. First best friend: My homey across the street when I was a lad
55. First sport you joined: Swimming
56. First vacation: I mean, I went all over the country as a babe so I dunno
58. First pair of trainers: ? Dafuq you talkin' bout, Willis

RIGHT NOW:
59. Eating: Nuffin muffin
60. Drinking: Wawa
61. I'm about to: Get back to work :(
62. Listening to: You already asked and it's nothing
63. Waiting for: Quittin' time

YOUR FUTURE :
64. Want kids: Maybe?
65. Get married: I'd like to, but it seems doubtful at this point
66. Career: Translator/teacher/writer (all of which I'm already doing so w/e)

WHICH IS BETTER :
67. Lips or eyes: Eyes, fo' sho'!!
68. Hugs or kisses: Well...can't choose! Guess hugs win because I'd do them with a bigger set of people
69. Shorter or taller: Taller, but it don't matter
70. Older or Younger: Who cares? I like people for people. My current crush is 10 years older, last gf was 10 years younger
71. Romantic or spontaneous: I guess romantic
72. Nice stomach or nice arms: Hm. I guess tummy?
73. Sensitive or loud: Sensitive
74. Hook-up or relationship: Oh my, relationship ONLY for this guy. No hook-ups, plox thnx bai


HAVE YOU EVER :
76. Kissed a stranger: No but they kissed me
77. Drank hard liquor: Always. (Yay Glenfarclas and Balvenie)
78. Lost glasses/contacts: No got so no
79. Sex on first date: Always!!!11 As in, never
80. Broken someone's heart: Yeah :(
82. Been arrested: Been ticketed and shit, but not arrested
83. Turned someone down: Gee (?) Who hasn't?
84. Cried when someone died: Oh my, yes
85. Fallen for a friend: Always--that's how I roll, nyukkah

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
86. Yourself: Yeah, to an extent
87. Miracles: Unanswerable
88. Love at first sight: Oh hell, no
89. Heaven: Moot point
90. Santa Claus: .... Am I a sheltered 5yo?
91. Kiss on the first date: Sure! Never done it tho'
92. Angels: Unanswerable

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
94. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time: Narp
95. Did you sing today: Of course! I sing all the bloody time
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go: If I could turn my life back and be back in that moment, I would go back to my college years
98. The moment you would choose to relive: First time a gal said she loved me
99. Are you afraid of falling in love: No!
100. Are you afraid of posting this as 100 truths: Dafuq

A- Age:
40 :(

B- Biggest fear:
Failure

C- Cold weather or Warm weather?:
Cold, please. I live in the hot-ass San Fernando Valley (Los Angeles)

D- Drink you last had:
Water

E- Extraterrestrials (Aliens), are they real?:
The odds are in favor of other life forms existing, sure

F- First thing you do when you woke up:
Growl and frown

G- Ghosts, are they real?:
Well.... Outside of philosophical or semantics debates, probably not?

H- How tall are you?:
178cm / 5'11"

I- In love with someone (Just answer Yes or No):
Yep, but...more like I love her and she's still not there

J- Jealous of someone (Just answer Yes or No):
Yep! All you bloody good artists

K- Killed Someone?:
Oh my, no

L- Last time you cried?:
Last Friday? When the person I love was going through stuff

M- Music genre you hate the most:
Can't really hate an entire genre, man

N- Newest acquisition:
Jeeze.... I can't remember, besides like...food and stuff

O- One Wish:
Cure for cancer

P- Pie, which flavor you like the most?:
Key lime or maple custard or banana cream or pumpkin or or or

Q- Question you usually ask:
Dafuq?

R- Reason to smile:
Short on that sort of thing these days

S- Song you like the most:
Jeeze, come on now, son! Way too many. Optimistic (Radiohead),
Paperhouse (Can), Tom Sawyer (Rush), the entire Dark Side of the Moon
album, Once Upon A Time There Was A Holding Corporation Called "America"
a.k.a. The Shoes of the Fisherman's Wife Are Some Jive-Ass Slippers (Mingus),
水あがりビルの町 / Mizuagari biru no machi / The city streets after the rain (遠藤賢司
Endou Kenji), fuckin' I dunno

T- Time you woke up:
7am?

U- Underwear Color:
Whities

V- Video Game you like the most:
Another thing that's way too hard to answer. Bayonetta, 龍が如く2 (Yakuza 2),
鉄建タッグトーナメント2 (Tekken Tag 2), ゼルダの伝説～神々のトライフォース～ (Legend of Zelda: A Link
to the Past), 光神話～パルテナの鏡～ (Kid Icarus--Japanese Famicom Disk System version),
ストライダー飛竜 (Strider arcade), fuckin' dude.... Been playing since Pong, so, yeah

W- Worst Habit:
Smoking

X- X-Rays you've had:
Mostly chest, but, I dunno. Been a while

Y- Your favorite food:
Again with the hard ones. Pizza, aloo ghobi, palak paneer, mole poblano,
tacos al pastor, garlic hummus, 김치제육볶음 (kimchee jeyuk bokkeum), filet
mignon au poivre, croque-madames, dude.... I love food!

Z- Zodiac Sign:
Scorpio (oh noez!11) or Rabbit

Kissed any one of your Facebook friends? --- Yes (didn't like it tho')
Been arrested? --- No, but I've been detained
Kissed someone you didn't like? --- Yes (hard to not kiss back for wimpy me)
Slept in until 5 PM? --- Yes
Fallen asleep at work/school? --- Yes
Ran a red light? --- Yes
Been suspended from school? --- No
Experienced love at first sight? --- No! Ha! Jeeze
Totalled your car in an accident? --- Yes
Been fired from a job? --- No
Fired somebody? --- Yes
Sang karaoke? --- Yes! So wanna go back to a 노래방….
Pointed a gun at someone? --- NEVER. Had it done to me enough.
Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? --- All the bleedin' time
Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? --- Oh, sure!
Caught a snowflake on your tongue? --- Nope! SoCal don't got snowflakes
Kissed in the rain? --- Yep!
Had a close brush with death (your own)? --- Yep!
Seen someone die? --- Yes. Thanks, meme.
Played spin-the-bottle? --- Nope! Too nerdy for real parties.
Sang in the shower? --- ALWAYS
Sat on a rooftop? --- Yep!
Taken pictures of yourself naked? --- Yep! Sent and posted, too.
Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes? --- No
Skipped school? --- Yep!
Eaten a bug? --- Yep! I eat Oaxacan food, bruv.
Sleepwalked? --- Yep! Used to do this all the time when I was a kid
Walked a moonlit beach?--- Yep! Love doing this--with someone I like.
Ridden a motorcycle? --- Yes
Dumped someone? --- Actually, no.
Forgotten your anniversary? --- Nope
Lied to avoid a ticket? --- Yep!
Ridden on a helicopter? --- Yes
Shaved your head? --- Yes
Blacked out from drinking? --- Too many times for my own good, actually
Played a prank on someone? --- Gee (who hasn't?)
Hit a home run? --- Yes
Felt like killing someone? --- No
Cross-dressed? --- Yep. I don't look good in femmegarb
Been falling-down drunk? --- Too many times for my own good, actually :(
Made your girlfriend/boyfriend cry? --- Yes…. Worst feeling.
Eaten a snake? --- Yes. I still prefer "traditional" meats, tho'.
Marched/Protested? --- Yes
Had Mexican jumping beans for pets? --- Fuck no! Cruel shit, bro.
Puked on amusement ride? --- No
Seriously & intentionally boycotted something? --- Still don't do Wal*Mart or Chik-Fil-A or…well, a bunch of things
Been in a band? --- Yep
Knitted? --- Nope
Been on tv -- Yep!
Shot a gun? --- Yeah! Shooting ranges can be fun.
Skinny-dipped? --- Yep!
Caused someone to need stitches? --- No
Ridden a surfboard? --- Yep!
Drank straight from a liquor bottle? --- Loads of times
Had surgery? --- No
Streaked? --- No
Taken by ambulance to hospital? --- Yep. Turned out to be a panic attack, yeesh.
Passed out when not drinking? --- Nope
Peed on a bush? --- Plenty of times, man!
Donated Blood? --- Yes
Grabbed electric fence? --- No
Eaten alligator meat? --- Yes
Eaten cheesecake? --- Gee
Eaten kids' Halloween candy? --- Uh…when I was a kid? What's this mean?
Killed an animal when not hunting? --- Yeah. Used to work at a pet shop and killed mice for snakes sometimes
Peed your pants in public? --- No
Written graffiti? --- Yes
Still love someone you shouldn't? --- Hell yeah, I do
Think about the future? --- Always
Been in handcuffs? --- Yep
Believe in love? --- Yep!
Sleep on a certain side of the bed? --- I sleep in a twin, Einstein

Just kidding.

Did I April Fool's right?

Oh well, time for a sandwich.

So

After posting a rather bellyaching journal yesterday, I went and picked up some corned beef and cabbage from a Jewish deli (it's really Jewish food, guys—and I'm Irish and Jewish, so I know the real deal). The person I like a lot asked if I wanted to celebrate, so I picked some up for her and ended up at her house with Tullamore Dew (15-year).

Um, so...yeah. I know I bellyached about my situation, but last night was very good. I think I will always really care about her and I hope to always retain her in my life in some capacity. We hugged an awful lot more than we ever have before, but I didn't push it and I think she's a bit grumpy as a result? I hope not since...if she pushed things, I believe this is the second time in my life I would go for it.

I mean, I've had "encounters" before, heh. Not a virgin or whatever. But I mean really go for her.

Anyway, sorry for the complaining yesterday. Hope everyone else had a good "let's all fake being Irish" day!

So

First off, I'm sorry for posting emotional stuff. I understand why people should not engage in such behavior and I recognize the fact that I do so too often, but I also have nobody to talk to about things in my life and I sometimes need to open up. Capito?

I have had three of the worst days of my entire life in a row.

There's a girl I honestly love.

Here's the deal: I don't love me. I actually kinda detest myself.

I come off as a rather fun and chill dude who never causes drama, but I am actually in turmoil inside. I'm broken, and I hate that about myself.

This is TMI (but it's TMI Tuesday, BillyRabbit!), but I was raped for the first twelve years of my life and threatened with a gun many times by someone who should have been there for me instead. As a result, intimacy on any level is extremely difficult for me and I just can't handle it.

Now, onto the girl.

She is amazing. She is just about everything I ever wanted in a human being, except that she seems to want things with others and not myself.

This sucks. I spent all day with her on Saturday and then on Sunday, I walked up to the bar we met at and saw that she was there and could not deal with going in because when she is at the bar, she gets hit on by many men (she's attractive--as am I, but I honestly could not care less about such things to the point that I hate the fact that I'm handsome). She ignores me to talk to said men.

I got drunk and had the fucking yentas there follow me and talk to me about it. The gossip around the place is that I am having sex with her (which I'm not).

In fact, said yentas texted me to get me up there. "(Name)'s here. Get in here." "C'mon! We'll have fun"

I told them she could hang out with the dude she always goes to see. She didn't text me on Sunday asking to meet up there (she usually does), and I took that to mean "I want time to chat with other people."

I have heard SO MUCH from everyone at the bar now. "Dude, you're doing the slow burn method with her and she will appreciate it." "Fuck her, she's rude to you and a bitch." "Are you fucking her yet?" "You need to bend her over and make her say 'God' in 5 languages."

I was drunk and talked a little shit about her, and I'm 99.9% sure it made its way back to her (as gossip and shit people say always does), and now I just feel like the worst human being. Fuck that; I'm not a human being. I'm like some bizarre alien that always hangs out, isolated, detached from everyone because intimacy is impossible for me.

So as a result I have been drunk and alone. Alone. You guys probably don't even understand (unless you have been abused, too) what I mean by "alone."

Picture you were walking in a field and then you came to an unscalable, sheer cliff.

You turn around and try to go back.

Another unscalable cliff.

Picture everyone else is up above, trucking along in the wonderful world, but you are in this ravine.

Picture it's been like that for forty years and there is literally no escape.

That's my life, and it's hit hard. She posted a FB post about how she's been let down by her friends and is alone. I can't comment. Why? Because, I'm the friend who let her down.

Life, dude.... Argh.

Happy St. Me's Day (my real name is Patrick)

Stolen from  mx5madness

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU'VE GONE BY:
• BillyRabbit
• Yargon
• Ryled

THREE THINGS YOU'VE DONE IN THE LAST 33 MINUTES:
• Practiced darts for the league
• Walked in the rain
• Started installing a game demo

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
• I'm intelligent
• I speak many languages
• I'm good-looking (reportedly)

THREE THINGS YOU DISLIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
• I spent too long being too cynical and defeatist to do anything
• I have barriers to intimacy (especially physically)
• I'm a coward

THREE THINGS YOU'RE AFRAID OF:
• The country's imminent failure due to wealth disparity and disenfranchisement of the people
• Rejection from the one I love
• Not amounting to anything

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
• Dockers
• Hula Room tee
• Socks

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
• Coffee
• Crossword
• Reading

THREE IMPORTANT OBJECTS:
I don't really have these, sorry

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS:
I'll take it as "musicians"
• Charles Mingus
• Pink Floyd
• Rush

THREE WAYS TO BE HAPPY:
Dunno these, sorry. Not too concerned with it.

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT:
• "Once Upon A Time, There Was A Holding Corporation Called 'America'" (a.k.a. "The Shoes of the Fisherman's Wife Are Some Jive-Ass Slippers") by Charles Mingus
• "Over the Hills And Far Away" by Led Zeppelin
• "America" by Simon and Garfunkel

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
• Get published again
• Win a certain someone's respect and admiration
• Figure out a way to get into post-grad

THREE THINGS YOU REGRET:
Only three?
• Keeping my most influencial life experience secret
• Not going directly into post-graduate school
• Drinking so much for these past few years I've been upset because I was called a "monster" and an "alien" for things that happened to me when I was a child

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
• Respect
• Great conversation
• To be comfortable with physical affections from my beloved

THREE IMPORTANT THINGS YOU'VE GIVEN TO THE WORLD:
• Counsel for those who were going through things
That's about it.

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE:
• I speak four languages fluently and several others at varying degrees of fluency
• I don't go to bars often, nor do I drink
• I was a music composition major briefly and am good at it

THREE EMOTIONAL THINGS YOU LIKE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX:
• Spunk
• Understanding
• Ability to lighten the mood

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
• Have sex with someone without having known them for quite a long time
• Play billiards
• Intentionally hurt people

THREE THINGS YOU MISS FROM YOUR PAST:
• Being in academia
• Having pleasant dreams
• Believing in the possibility of my aspirations

THREE REASONS WHY YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE:
• Some stuff best left unsaid from my formative years
• Genetic lottery
• I'm extremely pensive, introspective, and analytical

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
• Video games
• Long walks and hiking and such
• Reading and writing

THREE THINGS YOU NEEEEEED! REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
• Money
• Quitting smoking
• Quitting drinking

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO FOR HOLIDAY:
• Maui
• Barcelona
• Kyûshû or Shikoku

THREE CARTOON CHARACTERS:
?
• Lupin III
• Yabuki Jô
• Mrs. Brisby

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO:
Didn't you already ask this?
• Get published again
• Get a decent wage
• Be loved back by the person I'm in love with

I've yet to attend a fur con—which is bizarre, considering how long I've been a furry and how long I've been active on MUCKs and trolled here and such (and also because I live close enough to easily attend FC).

But just in case, I thought I'd do that silly meme that gets posted for each and every con.

Where are you staying?
Most likely, the very same hotel. I make enough $$. I'm an adult. I'd totally plan that shit.

How are you traveling?
Likely, I'd be driving. I'm from LA so…we tend to get enured to driving here.

What day are you getting there?
Probably the day before the con.

How is the best way to find you?
Well. If anyone wanted to, you'd probably already be in touch with me and we'd exchange #'s and text or something. Otherwise, I'd probably wear a badge? And, I'd probably be found, drunk and disorderly, at the bar (actually just drunkenly sitting there, being awkward and nerdy as usual in a corner)

Are you taken?
Ha ha ha!! (If you have to ask, you don't know me. No, is the answer)

Are there any panels you might be attending?
Not very likely.

What do you look like?
Well I have photos of me on FA! I don't sport a goatee anymore. Most people say I look like Michael Fassbender and I'll take it! White dude, blue eyes, brownish-blondish hair, dimples, whatever. Skinny but with a slight beer gut.

Will you be suiting?
Fuck that—can not stand being the center of attention. Typical INTP with atypical personal issues.

Do you do free art?
Um, if anyone ever wants me to draw anything, just ask. I suck, but I will definitely try if anyone actually has interest!!

Do you do trades?
Same as above but I'd feel guilty for getting way better art than my end.

Do you do badges?
Um, I guess? *shrug*

Will you have a DD/AA table?
No way!

What is your gender?
Male. Almost asexual, tho' I don't like to define things simply like that. Actually, I abhor doing so. But I'm physically male, "mentally" (?) male, yeah.

How tall are you?
5'11" (180cm)

Can I talk to you?
Anyone and everyone can always feel free to talk to me. I love talking to people more than anything.

Can I touch you?
Um, sure. I'm not physically outgoing, but don't take that as a "I am so not wanting you to give me a hug, homeskillet" kind of thing. I like hugs and such, I just don't initiate.

Can I visit your room?
Bring shots!

Can I buy you drinks?
Sure, I guess? I make enough $ to get my own, but whatevs.

Can I give you stuff?
What an odd question!! Who wouldn't accept gifts? WTF?

Can I hug or snuggle with you?
See the "can I touch you" thing. Don't have sexpectations, though, please. That is not on the table because of my own personal issues and is not a reflection on you, OK?

Are you nice?
Actually, almost to a fault, yes.

Will you be going to parties?
Um. No! I mean, I'll go, sure. But I'm no social butterfly; I like one-on-one chatting and shit.

If I see you, how should I get your attention?
Just walk up and go "Hey man! I know you from ___" (if you know me), or else go "Whassup, dude? What's your name?" etc. I mean, the usual way people interact? What a weird question (again)!

What/where will you be eating?
I'm a foodie and will likely seek out amazing food near the hotel.

Can I come with you for food/fun/etc?
Probably?

Can I look in your sketchbook?
Sure. It sucks, tho'!

Can I draw in your sketchbook?
Who'd say "no" to this?

Can I take your picture?
Yup! I'll look like a right goober, tho'.

What's your goal(s) for the con this year?
Uh, see cool shit and meet people?

These days I'm very much out of sorts.

Much like the Pink Floyd song, I'm just kinda in a "nothing is good or bad and I don't know how it's affecting me" mode.

Valentine's involved my ex calling to ask me to take her to dinner. That happened.

It also involved me sitting around and writing and reading and doing nothing in particular until I went up to the bar and got semi-smashed. Then, I let the owner vent his frustrations after hours. I understand his pain.

I'm neither here nor there, progressing nor stagnating. As Proust wrote, "It comes too soon, the moment when there is nothing left to wait for." That's kinda how I feel about interacting with the "other" in the world.

I'm approaching reconciling the fact that I am fairly asexual and do not want to engage anyone. I'm approaching reconciling the fact that I make very few real connections and that the people I do connect with quickly move away because they don't like facing the hard issues we have to deal with.

Shortly put, I don't know if I can say I'm down or up. But I can say that I feel I have untapped assets such as a very high IQ and ability to process technical things such as language and physics and philosophy with extreme ease. I think I'm finally ready to shuffle off this "prisoner from family issues" coil and do something real. Whether anyone cares or not is now irrelevant.

So, my Valentine's was very...BillyRabbit-y, I suppose. Hope you all have a great day!

Ha ha ha, just kidding

Fuck Valentine's Day

I mean, give us a break, man.

Did y'ever notice that some people are always posting naught but begging journals? If yer car went kaput, if'n yous racked up a sudden debt at hospital, if yer clan is driving you up a wall--these are all valid subjects to "vent" out. I get that.

But then, some people, right after saying what's on their minds, they then (not surprisingly) leap into demanding donations or begging for commissions.

Well, I dunno.... I like art and I like this site fine, but sometimes the begging for money gets old, isn't it?

I wanna sleep tonight.... Gah. Haven't in forever. This is a "hey bump your journals down" journal, btw.

So.... Things blew over about the "incident" in my last journal. I dunno wtf it all means. Why life hard?!!

Anyway, here's a meme I ganked from  amun

1: Name: Patrick (super-secret real name that's not secret)
2: Age: .... 40 :( Well, 39. But close enough.
3: 3 Fears: 1. Causing other people strife, 2. Not amounting to anything, 3. Being dumb
4: 3 things I love: Food, people, being alone for long walks
5: 4 turns on: Pretty eyes, doing something compassionate or admirable, having a brain, butt & legs (not really a tits dude)
6: 4 turns off: Rudeness, drama, immaturity, overt sexual come-ons
7: My best friend: Got a few great friends! Dunno!
8: Sexual orientation: Can't define--mostly a straight guy who's almost asexual
9: My best first date: I don't date so much as hang out and then one day stuff happens, you know?
10: How tall am I: 5'11"
11: What do I miss: A certain ladyfriend, Chatsworth Park, Oreo Cakesters
12: What time were I born: Time of day? Who cares?
13: Favorite color: Blue
14: Do I have a crush: I'd have to admit so, yeah.
15: Favorite quote: Well that's a little hard to pick!
16: Favorite place: Yosemite? The East Bay? The mountains?
17: Favorite food: Way too many to choose from. Anything with short rib, pork belly, or whatevs
18: Do I use sarcasm: Gee
19: What am I listening to right now: Nothing! I'm a huge music nut but I don't understand the need to constantly have it going.
20: First thing I notice in new person: Eyes
21: Shoe size: 10 1/2 U.S. (had to check)
22: Eye color: Blue!
23: Hair color: Dirty blonde--almost brown?
24: Favorite style of clothing: Khakis or jeans + t-shirt or button-down. I look smashing in a suit, tho'.
25: Ever done a prank call? When I was a lad.
27: Meaning behind my URL: ? I'm not a website.
28: Favorite movie: 生きる or 박하사탕 or 사린의 추억 or How Green Was My Valley or....
29: Favorite song: Ha ha ha--you certainly must not be a music fan if you ask this
30: Favorite band: See above. Pink Floyd, Rush, Yes, Pixies, Led Zeppelin, whatever
31: How I feel right now: Kinda spaced out
32: Someone I love: Lamp. Naw, Mamacita, my ex, my one good friend who knows who she is--whatever! Love is love (shrugs a-plenty)
33: My current relationship status: Single, not particularly looking
34: My relationship with my parents: What a difficult question! Love Ma to pieces, but am also homestuck with her a lot as she needs care in her older years, but Dad.... I think I can sum it up with an anecdote. One day, I got a phone call from Toyota demanding payment on a loan I'd never heard of, but apparently been listed on. They said "You need to furnish proof of death!" I was like "???" And then after I hung up, I turned to my sister and said, "Hey! I guess Dad died."
35: Favorite holiday: Hm. Thanksgiving? That's a nice one because it's eating a meal with loved ones without the insane comercialism of XMas.
36: Tattoos and piercing i have: None.
37: Tattoos and piercing i want: None.
38: The reason I joined Tumblr: Oh this shit's from Tumblr? I joined Tumblr to peep porn and art.
39: Do I and my last ex hate each other? Nope! We're friends.
40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts? Once in a blue moon, if I've chatted with someone close to either time.
41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? Oh hell no! Sorry, next-door neighbor!! XD
42: When did I last hold hands? Well I don't know. Like, 5 years ago?
43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? Like 45 minutes because of walking the dog and my obsession with crosswords.
44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days? Nope! Ha ha ha!
45: Where am I right now? My office.
46: If I were drunk and couldn’t stand, who’s taking care of me? The ground.
47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? Oh reasonable all the way.
48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad? Right now I live w/Ma, yep!
49: Am I excited for anything? 龍が如く0, Sleater-Kinney concert, uh...lunch?
50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? No...I don't have anyone I can tell everythinig to. Working on it, tho'!
51: How often do I wear a fake smile? Not really a fake smile, but I do get the sheepish grin...uh, in pain. Dunno how to say that in English. 苦笑
52: When was the last time I hugged someone? Last night! Yay! Usually a rarity for me.
53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me? I'd be shocked as she's pretty chill with physical contact. But as she's my ex, I wouldn't really get upset.
54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not? Fuck no! I rarely trust anyone as it is!
55: What is something I disliked about today? Work! And a slight hangover.
56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? Someone chill and fun. Oh, a celebrity? Who cares--we don't know how they are in reality!
57: What do I think about most? Everything! I'm INTP.
58: What’s my strangest talent? Strangest...? I have no fucking idea.
59: Do I have any strange phobias? Nope! Well, maybe social anxiety.
60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? Behind. I hate pics of me. I look like fucking the goofiest-ass Hank Williams (Sr.) smiling dingdong.
61: What was the last lie I told? Hm. I...can't remember.
62: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? Never video chatted. I's old.
63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? Not sure and I'm sure there's life in this enormous universe. Not sure about the whole "visitors" thing. Irrelevant stuff anyway.
64: Do I believe in magic? No.
65: Do I believe in luck? No.
66: What's the weather like right now? Hot! Fucking Los Angeles's San Fernando Valley!
67: What was the last book I've read? I'm halfway through The Rolling Bootlegs by 成田良悟. Part of バッカーノ. Don't usually "do" light reading, tho'. The one right before that was a re-read of The Sound and the Fury.
68: Do I like the smell of gasoline? Yup!
69: Do I have any nicknames? Not really.
70: What was the worst injury I've ever had? Just banged up joints from falling off my skateboard when I was a kid and shit like that.
71: Do I spend money or save it? Spend! Money's to be used on people and shit.
72: Can I touch my nose with a tongue? No...?
73: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me? The Ziplock seal is *kinda* pink. Billy's pink but he doesn't exist.
74: Favorite animal? Too many! Coyotes, wolves, my jindo dog, cats, I mean...fuck, man!
75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM? Smoking out.
76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is? The hell--? I dunno, Jones?
77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? Tom Sawyer, Band on the Run, Over the Hills and Far Away, I dunnoz
78: How can you win my heart? It's actually pretty hard to REALLY win my heart, but being compassionate and having empathy for living beings is a nice start.
79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone? "Fuck all of you i wanted to be cremated"
80: What is my favorite word? I'm a linguist and an avid reader and writer--in several languages. There are far too many great words.
81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr: I dunno. I rarely look at that thing anymore.
82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? Hey buddy, do you mind? This is a private conversation.
83: Do I have any relatives in jail? Nope. Well...not that I know of?
84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power? Shapeshifting.
85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on? Nothing really, but I wouldn't like to go into detail about certain things in my past.
86: What is my current desktop picture? 龍が如く 見参! KENZAN wallpaper.
87: Had sex? Yes....
88: Bought condoms? Yep!
89: Gotten pregnant? Hm. Lemme check.
90: Failed a class? Yes, but because I didn't attend it due to being an idiotic, depressed kid.
91: Kissed a boy? "Boy?" I've been kissed by men, but never kissed them.
92: Kissed a girl? You mean a lady. Yes.
93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? Yep! Fun.
94: Had job? I'm working as we speak--er, as I type.
95: Left the house without my wallet? YES. Sucks.
96: Bullied someone on the internet? Never.
97: Had sex in public? Kinda/sorta. Dry humping time that ended pretty quick because, people. I dunno, sometimes naughty is fun.
98: Played on a sports team? Yep.
99: Smoked weed? Naturally.
100: Did drugs? Beyond weed? No and not interested.
101: Smoked cigarettes? Yeah. :(
102: Drank alcohol? Always
103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan? No, but I'll eat vegetarian or vegan food.
104: Been overweight? I was 150lbs heavier for years.
105: Been underweight? Yes.
106: Been to a wedding? Yes (?)
107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight? 5 hour? Sure.
108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight? Sure.
109: Been outside my home country? Yep!
110: Gotten my heart broken? Oh hell yeah! Who hasn't?
111: Been to a professional sports game? Often!
112: Broken a bone? Nope.
113: Cut myself? Who hasn't? If you mean, "cutting," like...as in, self-mutilation, no.
114: Been to prom? No. Fuck prom.
115: Been in airplane? Of course!
116: Fly by helicopter? Once.
117: What concerts have I been to? Man...a bunch!!!? I can't remember 'em all, let alone list 'em.
118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex? I had a coupla man-crushes when I was younger, but naw. No real crush.
119: Learned another language? I speak 4 foreign languages fluently
120: Wore make up? Nope! Maybe one Hallowe'en? I can't remember.
121: Lost my virginity before I was 18? Well, shit. Here's a question I didn't want to answer--can I take the earlier one back? Thank you. Let me just say I wasn't really ever a virgin to begin with and leave it at that.
122: Had oral sex? Yessir. It is good.
123: Dyed my hair? No--wait! One Hallowe'en, yeah.
124: Voted in a presidential election? Plenty of times.
125: Rode in an ambulance? Yep....
126: Had a surgery? Yep.... Not a major one, tho'.
127: Met someone famous? Yep! Patrick Stewart, Bob Hope, Tommy Wiseau (if he counts), uh...fuckin' Keith Richards, Ray Manzarek, Dita von Teese, Rowdy Roddy Piper, Triple H, Magic Johnson, 大江健三郎--I've met a lot! I can't even remember them all.
128: Stalked someone on a social network? Oh hell no.
129: Peed outside? Sure--especially when hiking/backpacking.
130: Been fishing? Yup!
131: Helped with charity? Well I've donated....
132: Been rejected by a crush? Sure! Who hasn't?
133: Broken a mirror? Yup!
134: What do I want for birthday? Time with friends.

Wholllllllley fekkin' OMG!1

I fucked up so badly that I seriously am now really confused and embarrassed and dumb. Wow, am I dumb! I suck so hard at interpersonal relationships, I can't even begin to explain.

I'm awkward. Not the "good" awkward where it's like "aw, that cute nerd!" More like "what?? where did that come from?" shit.

Basic run-down: I met someone. That NEVER happens. But, I'm weird. I'm like...fucking, from the moon! So, I tried really hard to keep shit chill for the time I've known this super-amazing woman.

Then, I got drunk.

That pretty much should sum up the story right there, but to expound on the situation a little, I did "that thing" that should never be done where I wrote this stupid-long message to her about my feelings. I was drunk, so it was definitely what the Japanese call "ちやほや" (I don't know the English equivalent). You know...where you babble and are like "dude you are so great--i loves you!"

I even went so far that I used the "L" word. To date, I have confessed love to only one other person, so this was...anyway, I'm babbling. Seriously, 40-year-old virgin time (I'm not a virgin, tho', naturally).

Anyway, now I'm all "the fuck is wrong with you?" She never responded, and that's OK. I wish I could take a broom and brush that hour of my life away and make shit better, but I can't.

Just so you guys know (since you're all like 20 or w/e), yes--this kind of shit still happens through your thirties and forties. Heck, it probably happens all through life. Fuck this! I feel like a high school nerd with his crush.

Oh well. TMI time...? If you wanna distract me, that's cool (he said to his absent audience)

Stolen from

1. WHAT WAS YOUR:
Last beverage: Angry Orchard hard cider (1 16oz. can)
Last phone call: My college buddy.
Last text message: Something to the girl I like way too much, considering how lowly I feel of myself.
Last song you listened to: Tom Sawyer by Rush
Last time you cried: Last night--first time in years. Hopefully, the last time in years.

2. HAVE YOU EVER:
Dated someone twice: Twice, as in, we broke up and got back together? Yes, but I've actually only ever had one girlfriend.
Been cheated on: Yessir (ma'am)--but she doesn't know I know because she thought I couldn't understand what was written as it was in a foreign language I specifically learned to use with her sometime.
Kissed someone and regretted it: Nope!
Lost someone special: Yep! All the bloody time. In fact, I did last night by confessing feelings.
Been depressed: More like, when haven't I...?? There's a lot about me people don't know that holds me down.
Been drunk and threw up: Yes, but not for a long time. I have been too drunk lately but I haven't thrown up for whatever reason.

3. LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS: Blue, green, chocolate

4. LAST YEAR, HAVE YOU:
Made a new friend: Yes, but I fear I've lost her. A shame, as she's the best person I've met in decades.
Laughed until you cried: I have, but not for something like ten years.
Met someone who changed you: Of course!! Three very important people come to mind.
Found out who your true friends are: Eh, not really. I'm pretty easy-going and make friends with lots of people, but I try not to rely on people too much.

5. GENERAL:
How many people on your FB friends list do you know in real life: All of them.

6. FIRSTS:
First Surgery: Hmmn, I mean...I'm sure I've had minor procedures, but none come to mind. Maybe my first root canal when I was 20 or so?? I'm positive there was something when I was young but I don't remember.
First piercing: None....
First best friend: Michael, my homey across the street when I grew up. Then, he got all drug-ified and drifted away.
First sport you joined: Hm. Swimming, I think!
First vacation: Well, I don't know as I was a baby! My favoite early vacations were to Yosemite, my temple.
First pair of trainers: First? Who knows?

7. RIGHT NOW:
Eating: Nothing, but I ate Korean food earlier.
Drinking: Nothing, but I'll have water pretty soon.
I’m about to: Go do the grocery shopping while everyone else watches the second half of the Superbowl.
Waiting for: Contact from a special person again....

8. YOUR FUTURE:
Want kids: Yes--because I want someone to love and help have a good life. But no, because the world is too crazy and will likely be destroyed in the next few decades. Also, I have nobody to have kids with!
Career: Future career...?? Uh, I do want to switch jobs, for sure. I want to be an author.

9. WHICH IS BETTER:
Lips or eyes: Eyes.
Hugs or kisses: Kisses are the best! But a good hug is definitely nothing to sneeze at.
Shorter or taller: Whichever!
Older or younger: Um.... I mean, maturity is great. Old age comes with body problems, so that's not preferable in that way, but overall age doesn't matter.
Nice stomach or nice arms: Huh? Nice arms, I guess.
Sensitive or loud: Sensitive.
Hook-up or relationship: Oh so relationships. I do not ever "hook up" and never will. Anyone who wonders this about me does not know me at all.
Trouble-maker or hesitant: Hesitant.

10. HAVE YOU EVER:
Kissed a stranger: No, but I've been kissed by strangers.
Drank hard liquor: Naturally!
Lost glasses/ contacts: Still have my 20/20 vision and don't rock shades.
Sex on first date: This would never happen for me. It took me years of knowing my one girlfriend before I had sex with her.
Arrested: Nope! I don't do anything crazy except weed at home.
Turned someone down: Yes--plenty of times. I don't mean to boast, but I am attractive, intelligent, and sometimes witty and fun. So...yes, I've turned people down.
Cried when someone died: No.... I just get that weird, numb "disconnect."
Fallen for a friend: It's impossible for me to fall for someone without the being my friend.

11. DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
Yourself: Uh...in some things, not so much in others.
Miracles: As the Sakyamuni said, explaining why he didn't answer questions from a wandering philosopher, there is no point in answering questions like this to someone who will not understand. All that it does is hurt them by messing up their perspectives because they think a different way.
Love at first sight: No.
Heaven: See "Miracles"
Santa Claus: Never did, I'm afraid.
Kiss on the first date: No--wait, do I believe in it? Sure. I thought you asked if I would do so.
Angels: *sigh*

I am a sleepy nerd who always stays hikikomori and is lazy and wants to go to sleep?

Ask whatever ya want, if ya want

Get as naughty as you want, too! Tho' I'll answer tame stuffs, too.

== Results from http://bdsmtest.org/ ==
75% Exhibitionist
74% Primal (Predator)
68% Switch
64% Primal (Prey)
59% Daddy/Mommy
59% Voyeur
57% Pervert
50% Bondage Giver
50% Vanilla
40% Experimentalist
40% Non-monogamist
36% Bondage Receiver
34% Girl/Boy
25% All-Rounder
25% Dominant
20% Brat Tamer
16% Masochist
16% Submissive
15% Brat
13% Sadist
11% Slave
9% Master/Mistress
4% Degradation Giver
0% Degradation Receiver

Hm. Whatever, lol

Tuesdays time.

Ask somethin' nutso. I don't want no vanilla q's like "do you like onions?"

....

Actually, those'd be fine, too, whatevs.