As a kid I always wanted to be different. If I knew how different I really am, I wouldn't have tried so hard to be different. I'm finding that I'm almost got all personality traits some of them are social anxiety, depression, paranoia, and when I have too much caffeine a touch of skit-o. No one of them is over powering on a daily basis, some show their ugly heads now and again.

To me, madness is when you've got too many conflicting thought and feelings that can't be sorted out. I have to let them pass like bad storms, and hide from the world in a hope that I don't do something stupid again that will destroy more of my life.

So what madness is it I have today. I'm thinking it might be rage, ego, and grandeur. I feel like I'm brilliant, a yogi bear complex, yet I'm stuck with low brow shitpumps (turn yesterday's good food into today's flushables). The icing on the cake is that there is a disconnect between what I'm thinking and putting it into words to express it. The nail in the coffin is that if I could, who would listen. Paranoia says that if I do put out a book or start speaking up, the only one's who will listen will be the real ones in charge and I'll be put down before people know anything about my efforts. .... madness yes?

So let me just put the thoughts out there in rough form. The helpful are punish, the world is being over populated by the stupid, the world is being destroyed by those in charge, and we the people have been enslaved but no one cares since they have their starbucks and game of throwns, and doing anything is just too much effort. Finally, one person can't change the world.

So what? Use a sin to motivate people so the end result will be more of the same but another person pulling the reins? Maybe it's to just keep trying the proper way and go quietly into the night like I have been.

I'm sure my words will be misunderstood, but let me just speak of the tip of the iceberg. All the sins seem to share one thing in common. Don't cause hate in others and don't hate as well, because what you bring is where you go. Hate only brings hell and demons, and it's no way to live. We are not better or worse, just different, say please and thank you, and forgive people for just being human. He who withholds information sees himself as your new master; therefore, knowledge must flow. Learn a skill of something you use on a daily, weekly, monthly, or yearly basis. Learn to teach others what you know, and maybe, just maybe we won't wipe ourselves out over over stupid black Friday sales items.

Madness done! I'm off ... physically, not just mentally *smirks stupidly*

I rarely want to talk or type any more so this is really rare for me. I know my depression will pass, it's like clouds, they can hang around for a while but I do know they will pass.

Now I go through depression now and again, but there are times that it just crushes me. I feel like I'm 500 pounds and the air is syrup and it takes a lot of focus to breath. That's what I've got right now. It's shares the same space with conflicting thoughts and feelings. I want to lay down and sleep, I can't sleep. I was hungry, so I made food and now I feel sick ... but not hungry. Now that I think about it, it's very rare to be full and comfortable. I am bored but I've got tons of things I need to do. I'm sure it's not hard to see how I can be feeling insane or nuts because of this. I feel like there is something I should be doing, but I can't think of anything major. It''s just small stuff that adds up.

Medication? Oh hell no, the side effect are worse than the problem, I would rather be awake and depressed than sleeping away my life yet happy for those few hours a day I'm awake.

As for other things in my life? Last time I posted I was looking for some one, but I've stopped looking as I've got an On-Line relationship which keeps those urges met. I really do enjoy being a lone. I've learned that people bring me problems, and if I want less problems, I don't hang around people.

Come on, happy thought, happy thoughts. I baked a whole chicken with oregano and salt. It was mighty tasty with crispy skin and juicy tender meat. I've struggled to make bread, or bread like substances but it never tastes right.

I'm sensitive to everything except vegetables and that totally sucks. Meat causes me problems, oil causes me problems, and the rest cause me problems, you know caffeine, chocolate, sugar, breads, grains, soy, salt, dairy. Think of every food you love to eat and say, "Nope, that's going to sick, or in pain." I can get away with tea ...maybe and meat if I boil most of the oil out and have only a very small amount. Doctors think it's a heart problem. Seriously two years of my life wasted going to these over paid backwater over-educated retards. They all did the same thing, and Three out of Three doctors say it's a heart problem. Than why do I have to wake up in the middle of the night to burp to get my heart to stop pounding? I burp, I feel better. Anti-gas doesn't do anything, anti-acids make it last twice as long, and I can't get any strong acids to drink, just two horse pills of vitamin C and hope that does the trick. I have to twist doctors arms to get a one week anti-yeast infection medicaton and that eases 25% of the problem until it grows back, I can't get any anti-by-ot-ics because it creates super bugs, but I've got a bug or something eating me and my food in my digestive track.

I've learn so much about the body and learned that it's many things going wrong. I've got a weak fatty liver, low stomach acid, possibly a dieing or almost dead gal bladder, and an infection in the upper digestive track which eats my food before I do and produces CO2 causing the odorless burnless burps. The infection agitates my digestive system so much that there is this buzzing feeling in my chest and that will over load the nerves in my heart until my heart signal blocker gives up and goes to 160 beats per minute to respond to all the damn signals going through my Vega nerve. Doctors want to burn the nerves off my heart as a solution. UMMmmm .... NO! How about we take care of the problem not just treat the symptoms. What would I like to do ... umm wipe out they entire digestive flora and once it's all gone, to replace it with a healthy balance so I can eat again.

Oh well, I've got to go to work now. I feel better just getting this off my chest ... hahaha no pun there. Any ways, Nothing I or any one can do. It's just the bolder I have to carry.

What can I say, how about a summery:
- Got a real job for once (getting close to four years now)
- Got a little quiet place of my own
- No more chasing hopes and dreams, no more drawing, no more programming
- I can afford the expensive food like vegetables now
- I'm really getting old now, I should post a pick of me.
- I got into brewing, I drank my self into a bad place. I'm struggling to stop drinking
- Lost tons of weight. It's amazing how much weight you lose when hunger doesn't hurt as bad as eating. (due to drinking too much).
- I feel like a dirty old man on these dating web sites
- Still, I'm happier alone; no drama, no noise; Not happy, but happier. The drink makes me happy, but I have to stop now.
- I'll have to give it all up to get a wife and have kids

Why do I want a wife. It's not because a want one, it's my duty. So many fucked up people in this world. I'm ashamed to call myself human, hence being a fur. I want to bring some one into this world I can be proud of. Teach them what people couldn't or wouldn't teach me. My father threw some time and some effort at raising me, but in the end, he just through money at any my problems and walked away. I didn't need his money then, and I don't need it now. Although, for my kids, I don't have the money to do much, so my kids are going to have it rough, I know that. I just hope they will be good humble strong non-victim people I can be proud of.

I want to be alone; Just me, internet, and drink. That's happiness. I have to have a wife and kids, do my part in making the world better. This is the first world issue I am currently struggling with. If my dating-site bio doesn't run off any potential wife, and if this journal doesn't run them off, and they still can love me. Then they'll have a loyal man until the end of time.

I'm just posting in hopes I can get the EMO crap out so I can get back to focusing. I think I'm in Caffeine depression from the soda I had yesterday

I have no will power. Yah I don't think I should tell the world this, but I feel like I'm being lazy.

From the 4th of march to the 14th of march I had no internet. I'm amazed at how much I got done when I had nothing to entertain me.

I've got internet, and I keep promising myself "I've got all day, I'll get right to what I need to and get caught up" .... nope.

It's always, "Just a little bit longer, just one more video on youtube, just one more something else, let me check something quick."

Yes I'm complaining about myself. Nope, I don't feel any better.

Later

Just over a year ago, I was working away at my desk in the hot summer nite, and the crickets were doing there thing. Then they all stopped except for one, which promptly did the first seven notes of the Darth Vader song. Then they all came back with no distinguishing pattern.

I've worked on making the cricket chirp, and then worked on trying to make it a musical cricket. I'm not doing too well at it, since it's been over a year and I can't quite nail it on the first try.

The sound is actually quiet loud that I can make, and if I'm in public .... NO ONE HEARS IT!!! Because it's just hard wired in that it's normal noise. My friend knows the sound from me, and I can get only his attention from up to 100 feet away with out any one else looking up or twitching.

As of today, I found that humans aren't the only ones who ignore it. I was out on the disk-golf course and I lost my disk. I was just a little ways away when I here the trampling sounds of a deer (It's really cool to see them just trampling along), and I wanted to get .... it's attention before I scare it too badly. So I do my chirping noise. No luck, it doesn't get the deers attention, it gets in plain site of me, and I see him clearly to. I shift my weight and make twig breaking and rustling. It's a buck, a young one by my guess of how small he was. Any ways, he looks up straight at me and I don't want to scare him, so I cricket chirp. He relaxes and looks away like there was nothing there. ..... LIKE there was NOTHING there, I started to wave my hands to get his attention, and it was like "Gasp! HUMAN!" and he bounds off because he realized I was so close.

I would say this was a .... good 10 second confrontation, maybe 15 at the most.

I was thinking, with my chirping and a baseball bat, I might be able to hunt deer! Imagine my hunting bragging rights if I was to walk out of a forest with a bloody baseball bat and a deer being dragged along behind me! Seriously, I look unfit even though I'm not.

Anyways, that's it for now. I'll continue this madness later

Yah, that's about how this is going to sound!

Ok so I might be on a caffiene depression because I've relaps on double strong sun tea, but either way!

So I've got the time now to work on that epic project, I've making magnificent progress, but I see "The bridge is out" Ahead ... for the audio part of my demo/portfolio. Hell I've done everything by myself and on my own, why should this be any different. Just get some second hand junk and blow/stroke/finger it out until the music works and keep going.

The problem is that I've got talented people all around me and I can't get help. I want to put a gun to their head and pull ...THEN REPEAT. Seriously, I need help and every one is stroking their egos and not wanting to follow through with showing what they just said they were good at.

I'm sick of being surrounded by professional shit pumps who barely have the effort to open the fucking tv-dinners, it's like I'm surrounded by mid-westerners or something!

I'm pissed off, my pussy hurts, and damn it, is there any intelligent life on this planet!

I've got a new day ahead of me, a great day because ....

Because every thing is solved!

I've got a month or two of freedom to work on what ever I want! This is that break! I can make and work and draw and write and day-dream about everything I've wanted when I was at work and don't have to worry about alarm clocks, or dead lines or bosses, or cover sheets on the tps reports! (Office Space called it a TPS report)

.... and .... my first day, big plans, line it all out during the weekend, I just need time. Of course I fucked off during the weekend, it's a weekend! Really that's ok, because June 1st is true start of this great project.

Yes time, Monday June 1 will be that day, yes that day of glory to start that projected I've been feening over at work, when I'm stuck at work. This project will be some much better then being stuck at work.

I'll be free, yes, freedom, I can chase those dreams and do what I want, two months is all I need, I'll pull all nighters and be happen for weeks on end because I'm doing my thing! I can't lose one hour to side crap, I'm going to get it done, and my life will change. I'll have money and success when this is all done, because I dedicated these two months to do this one thing.

And It's going to start soon,... ok after this next show, I'll start, no really, I mean it this time! Ok, I'll start tomorrow. No really it's ok to lose one day, I need to relax, I've been working too hard .... no no I haven't, not today, nor over this weekend. But really, I'll work harder then I would normally at work, it's going to be great, 14-16 hour days just crafting and making and designing and coding!

But just one more day to fuck off and not do anything, I can do this right? Ok time is precious, but it's one day, the 2nd of June, I'll start, really I'll start ... just ,.... not today.

June 2nd will be the new day, I just lost an hour just righting this crap... Yah, Tomorrow will be the new day. Yes Sir-ree!

I just have to get this off my chest.

Why can't I find a group of people to work with on creating games?

Every time I think I've got a good thing going, it turns out I'm the only one moving forwards and working on the project. I call people on it to prove they are doing what they say, and it turns out to be just talk. Bla bla bla bla.

"That's nice, but show me your work. What do you mean you can't? Oh so you don't have any to show? If you've got work, show it .... "

Yah that's about how it goes from my end. I'm not captain quick here either, but I do make _some_ progress to show.

*falls out of chair laughing*
I got rid of yahoo instant messanger, and it all went away, no more:
- enlargements
- viagrra pills
- software offers
- missleading hello messages
- nock of watches
- false bank offers
- false quotes for service I didn't ask for
- ....

you get the idea!

I would recommend every one else getting rid of theres and stick to the wares you know are clean!!! No yahoo, no aol, no msn, no hotmail!

lol!

I've come across my character (the lil' baby white dragon) the second day I posted it here in FA (prior to the FA database/site being whiped-out clean the first time.) The first person to mimic was DragonFood. Now I see her, by lil' white dragon, more and more. But what bothers me is when other people take credit for having the 'original' one.

This bit of drama was started when Taliesin_the_dragoon made the following comment:

ehm, nope, it's not you. it's  ragarth critter... ^^''

Umm,.... Sure.

This gets into some deep logic stuff, but feel I need to clarify, nothing more. Unless people have seen it else where and is mimic something else (pokymon or other artists) two ideas never match. I've not seen a lil' white dragon any where else in media ... just here, (other then my first post on Deviant Art prior to here.)

This character is more then four years old, check the sign on the black and white image, and check deviant art where I first posted it. You can varify who's character showed up first by this site (by one day long then he's been on this site,) and on Deviant Art for much longer.

I find it flatering he likes the character, I'm flatered that others like to make a character which is just like my character. I enjoy seeing my work redone by others, I really do. I wish I got credit for the original character, but I'm not going to get all nazi about it. It doesn't bother me. Really it doesn't. I'm just clarifying where the character comes from.

And the screaming and running is the Role Play of what Innocents and Purity would do. Athough I've never cleary defined the naughty bits, every one draws the lil' white dragon as a HE. *shrugs* Again, I'm just clarifying.

No this is not drama.

I've noticed that most furs get into being fur's at a young age, but unlike being gay, it does appear to be a phase, a 20 year phase. I was a fur when I was 13, and found the fandom at age 17. I made myself an imagenary wolf friend at age 13 who stayed with me until past graduating college.

I'm an anchient 31 now and I'm seen it, done it, I've been part of it, and *shrugs* I'm growing out of it I guess.

I've noticed most well grounded fur's who learn to cope with the trama's and physical/emotional damages of their youth seam to move on around age 28 to 35. I'm in that range, and as you can tell by the frequencies of my posts, I've not been posting much.

I'll slways identify as a fur.

# my scanner's not working so I can't scan anything in for the last year.

I'm floored by how many people are watching me, yet I still can't seem to put pencil to paper and draw anything.

Well after unemployement ran out and still no job I took the first thing which I could get which is: Pick up heavy thing, Move heavy thing, and put heavy thing down. It pays just as well as my last sooOOoo *shrugs* I guess I'm employed now.

With all the hard work of my daily work, I find it hard to do much after I come home, yet I do find that on the weekends I'm in the right mind-set to code again and work on projects. I'll be posting here when I need more game testers and stuff.

I may just be in my caffiene withdrawal, it may be fustration over not having the focus to put the code pieces together, but ... what is the point.

Seariously, I play other games to escape from who I am and how bad my life is. Sure my life could get worse, but that's not the topic, it's what's the point.

So I work to make money to keep my car, because ase we know, I really don't eat, I only eat what I can afford, which isn't much of a choice. But if I didn't have to work, I wouldn't. So games are fun compaired to that.

I've been off for over a week now from being employed, and now I just don't want to game because ... it's a false escape, I'll still be me, the games won't meet my need, and I can afford to hire people to make the game I really want.

So for some four years I've have been holding back my anticipation for getting my game running, and I'm tired of holding back.

Say I snap my finger, and poof it's the game I've always wanted it to be ... how long beore there is enough people on, that I would see them playing in the town square in the middle of my night, or telling jokes in the pub while players are drunk behind there keyboards? Then how long before the game returns to the ghost town it started as, because every one has done everything they wanted to, that got the trophy and are ready for another game?

So ten years of programming for say three years of joy? Is this worth investing in?

In conclusion, ten years are going to come and go, another three will pass as well and either I will have a waste of time on something else, or I could have my game, or at least given a good go at it like everything else.

To summerize, what's the point?

YES! Ok so I've been able to work code for he last seven years and I started working towards making my own game for furs by furs, and I'm so damn close to having all the major features working.

What am I talking about?! I got the game to be on-line, well until I get a server to start hosting it at, it's just going to be LAN! MULTIPLAYER!!!!

Ok any ways, I've got allthe pieces now, I just have to put them all together, which might take me all year to do, but the last week I got it all working!

So this is theonly place I decided to post this great news! *hugs every one*

I'm finally going to make an on-line Furry theamed RPG with the works!

*grins innocently*
*scampers off joyfully*

There are times when my sex drive is,.... over the top, and thoughts stick in my head like fat on ribs. So there are days, (well usually like three or four days I'm focused on a story) when I just write what's on my mind and put it down on paper. Most of them are not complete, yet what's the point of posting stories here? I don't read any one elses because I'm always in a rush to do something. Would any one read my sexually agressive stories? Does any one else read other people stories?

The storie lines are all male/male and:
- Breaking through the racial, sexual and/or cross species barriers in the name of love/lust.
- Agressive sex or light S&M with no blood shead nor snuff

I guess it's more like a long break, a five month break from programming. I hate it when I say I'm doing something and then I have to say, I change my mind. Here is the short summery. I'm back and because of a hate enraging challange I've overcome a lot and doing 3D programming. *wiggles like he's trying to dance.*

So I've spent the last few months trying to teach people to code in hope of getting some one to work on my old projects. Well it turns out one of my longer lasting studients approached me and said, "Don't take this wrong, but you CAN NOT code." The key words to keep in mind here is the "CAN NOT." I asked for clearification. With more words he just repeated that he's been reading enough and studing enough (but not writing anything more complicated then an if statement & goto code) that he knows enough to say, I don't know jack sheiot. I felt like kicking him square in the nuts.

On January 15, (2007) the bastard challanged me to a game writing competition. I accepted this challanged to make a 3D space game and it's due on December 31, 2007, yes, at the end of the year.

Here it is just over two weeks and I've got the following things achieved:
- all the needed librarys, linking, and packages finally are working and allow me to compile any OpenGL Source code
- I've got a 3D model drawn out, and encoded in static code
- I've figured out how to have multiple textures per model!
- and and I can move the model around to look at it in OpenGL

So any ways, if any one wants to follow alone with my progress, check me out http://www.wolfcrown.com/game

Ya, you got that right,... I burn out after about three years on any of my projects,... I just felt this three year burn coming on strong, gave it some time in hope to not burn out,... and it's like stopping a freight train. Nothing I can do.

So, if any programmers out there want to pick up my game engine code I've writen for a Furry MMO, then just ask, there is two things you'll need to know/do, but that's it. I've got over 300 hours of actual coding time into the game and lost interest. *lowers head*

If any one wants to pick up programing and learn,... AAaaaaa my code is rich and robust, and I'm afraid it's not going to be too easy to read and understand for some one who's new. So you'll just need prove you can read it,... and two other things. For those who want to learn,.... I've got just enough energy to point to web sites. private maessage me.

(1/30/07) Ok it's officially just a long ass break

I'm puzzles by what every one likes,... and I just want to get a feel for,....: If I was to draw another furry, what would _you_ prefer? you don't have to replay here, you can just send a not,... errr a note *yawn* I really need to be asleep right now but this though woke me up.

This is like an open pole of what furry animal to draw next.

No this is not an open commision, just a pole of what animal I should make all lusty and greased up in passion B)

I don't know why I feel I need to mention this, but I'm going to go ahead. The little baby dragon which I use for my icon is actually a female. She loves cookies. Yes a playful timmid female dragon.

I need to color a few images of her on differant cookie raids.

*shrugs* That's all, you may go back to hunting smexy pr0n B)

It looks like I've finally got a good job which is going to suck up many many hours during the week. In addition, I've been exausted on the weekends. What does that mean?

I'll have trouble getting any work done on my game or art or anything, so here I go again and fade into the mists of the internet.

Just keeping everyone posted.

Well I've gotten into doing animations since I've got the focus now. I'll be posting them here, some of them because some are commisions, but the rest, you'll see them showing up here as animated gifs.

I'll post my first one in two weeks from now. Some time mid-March

*gasping for air like first breath out from under water* I"M HERE! Bask in all my glory! hahahaha ok, so I'm here, and I"m going to be posting a lot of my art over time, so check me out. I hope I catch people interests :)

If not,... keep watching *grins innocently and hides*