I’m pretty happy ^^ just took a freakin long shower rockin out to techno
My whole body is all soft now <3 i wanna go rub it on ppl xD

I’m waiting for my love to get on the plane and text me when he lands safely so I’m a lil anxious for that
he's coming back from a 10 day trip dedicated to protecting the sea turtle eggs on the beach from poachers which was the longest 10 days of my life i think ^^; he apparently didn't have serves there thinking he would though (before he left he tried to reassure me that he could text me 5 times a day).. he didn't contact me till 2 days before he was coming back (grumble grumble) so i wasn't sure if he had even landed safely till 2 days ago when i got a text from an unknown # informing me it was my love telling me he was ok and loves me and to not reply sense it wasn't his phone.. After i had been obsessing over it for a week driving myself insane and imagining every horrible possibility that could occur and dreaming of him every night... it hurt a lot...

but now i know he's ok and coming home soon so I’m in a lot better shape ^^;

Any who I’m going to go read my book and keep busy till my love texts me letting me know he's landed safely

ta ta for now fellow furries

i had horrible dreams last night full of what i wished would happen (my mate texting me and calling me and eventually back in my arms) and what i feared... (being hunted down, no friends to turn to, few places to hide, and a goal i knew i could never reach... lives i could never save...)

some parts of the dream seemed really out there. others seemed all to real.. all to fimiliar

i still get a lil choked up when thinking of all the dreams i had and how it merged into in all, a big nightmare

i'm going to stay inside today.. keep distracted with online comics and tv
i hope i don't do something i'll regret

its only the begining of day 2 of 10... please come back to me my love..




...please come back safe

first day of summer..

started it by getting up at 6 am just so my mom could give me a ride to my mate's house
curled up in bed with him and slept till like 10
then he starts getting super horny and sense i'm on my . i won't let him even frisk my underwear so he just askes for a lil oral which i'm more than ok with till about 5 min in when his lil brother busts in on us! thankfully we had the sheet near and just made it look like i was sleeping on him but god dam took me forever to try and get into it again, seemed like it barely fazed my mate though xp
after that we started doing a lil work for his day which just concisted of taping up boxes and putting sample jars of dirt in them (not hard at all) then watched community and the dayly show and soon enough his mom was home and we had little time left together.
his parents gave him a big list of crap to go do which ment i was driven home by his parents way earlier than intended (but the drive took forever and was actually a lil painful. i can rarely relax around his mom..)
but now i'm here at home alone..
friday night
first day of summer
and i have a killer headach... i think i'm going to go watch porn and laugh at what some ppl find sexy (like smacking a girl with a penis lol wtf ppl)

yes some of it is genetics but a huge part of it is lack of sleep
my mom is short
my bro is short
my best friend  BloodWriter is short
and quite a few teachers are short!
all do not get enough sleep

moral of story~ SLEEP PPL! and stop being so short and cute >.>

feeling that keep hitting me off and on sometimes for good reasons but often not:
frustration
impatient
pissy
depressed
wanting to hurt myself
wanting to hurt others
wanting to disappear
wanting to run away
sighing a lot
want to just curl up in bed with my kitty and not move


i'm just tired of the stress, anger, sadness, and confusion around me.. its starting to rub off on me

i just want it to be summer so i can start working other the other crap i still need to get done like college hunt, scholarship applying, Japanese classes, possibly move, start saving money, and still try and make the multiple efforts to hang out with friends even though they can hardly ever hang out and don't make an effort to hang out with me without me offering first
and no i'm not talking about just one friend. its ALL of my friends..

*sigh*

>.< i'm moody and want to cry at the drop of a coin,
i miss my bf and wish he was here to take care of me because i don't feel well and my jaw hurts
i'm trying to keep my schedule straight sense it feels like multiple things just have to happen at the same time
next week is ACTs so i'm going to be trying to study my butt off
going to the zoo yesterday was super fun and i had a good time but both and i wished we weren't in a group and had a time limit.

this month is just a bit stressful i guess..

she's such a great cat ^-^ she has a kitten meow, super chubby, and fluffy ^^ she curls up with me in the middle of the night till morning and will not let mom and i forget if she is hungry ^^ i'm going to try and upload some pictures of my cute kitty asap

i'm in such a good mood ^//^

today for my man's and mine's one year anniversary
after school he's picking me up from art club, we're going back to my house to watch how to train dragons (the movie we watched on our first date <3), dress up overly fancy for a dinner at olive garden. then we go home and have fun together <3 its a good day

tired.
just a bit physically and mentally tired. i'm trying to keep my life together.. keep busy.. keep up with my school and home work, keep an eye on my kitty to make sure she's happy, keep an eye on my friends so i can keep them close and as happy as i can help them be...
i just want to close my eyes and have this week fly by
today: get choirs done and hang with my cheetah friend Aryn. oh and i give blood today
tomorrow: get art stuff done and power clean probably
wednesday: mom's bf comes over.. idk wtf will happen
thursday: i have the art thing and possibly my lover come over.. i hope he can come over..
friday: art thing again and idk
saturday: my love and i go to the afterprom and then an after prom party at aryn's hopefully
sunday: the party will probably go till morning then we'll just pass out some where together
monday: my lover's and mine's 1 year aniversery <3 that will be the sign i survived the week

*sigh* still a lil lost and tired. please all help me through, for my heart feels heavy

oh and cake topper is i'll be pmsing this week >.<

oh and in my current crappy computer class my teacher is playing HORRIBLE OLD MUSIC! i'm trying to down it out with techno but god I WANT TO KILL!

I'm getting a cat tomorrow! x3 her name is mya, shes 6, and is a chubby calico <3 I'm so exited! my mom has been told such great things about her <3

right now I'm working on kitty proofing my room ^^; sense my house has many odd small holes that i fear a cat could get trapped in or something

I'm also house hunting sense mom and i plan to move at the end of June because that's when our lease is up and if we sign up for it again the cost is supposed to rise for some dumb reason. i love house hunting ^-^ mom and i feel so close when we do plus its just fun to act like a critic and judge housed looking for the best match for your family

its practically finals month at school, the year is coming to an end and everyone can feel it. either they start not caring about school work around now and get cocky or they try working harder to finish the best they can ^^; I'm both in a way

prom is coming up and it makes my stomach turn. i feel bad spending 35 bucks just because i want to dress up and see my friends when they're dressed up too

i still miss my pup ash but I'm trying to be strong and keep going with my life because its far from slowing down

my mom's long distance bf is coming over next week Wednesday-Saturday night. he seems pretty nice and funny and he seems to make my mom happy so i will greet him and give him a chance for my approval. should be interesting

so with me luck everyone and thanks for reading! ^-^

i had to put ash down today... enough said
right now just wishing i was numb... trying to escape to a happier memory and escape the disaster around me

here is a list of awesome stuff anyone can get me for my b-day, christmas, or just cuz i'm awesome like that! meme

1) http://www.squishable.com/pc/mini_s.....Squishable+Fox

2) http://steampunkthreads.com/Merchan.....tegory_Code=WB

3) http://cryoflesh.com/shop/alienus-skirt-p-950.html

4) http://cryoflesh.com/shop/claw-spik.....es-p-2004.html

5) http://cgi.ebay.com/DEAD-THREADS-BL.....item66721d08fa

6)http://www.hottopic.com/hottopic/Ap.....ize-298330.jsp

7) http://www.lvye88.com/wp-content/up.....mming-pool.jpg (i just want an awesome pool <3 )

i'm trying to think of cozplay ideas for ndk in september
here are some i've been considering ^-^

Stocking (from panty and stocking with guarderbelt)
http://www.craiglotter.co.za/wp-con.....-cosplay-1.jpg

Sorincha (from Kakurenbo)http://www.acparadise.com/cosplayer.....54-12280-1.jpg

Haruko Haruhara (from foolyCooly)
http://www.acparadise.com/cosplayer.....98-16168-3.jpg

PLEASE GIVE SUGESTIONS!
requirments:
female
lil longer than shoulder length hair w/ bangs
not too complicated costume sense ndk is sorta close ^^;

thank you~

Growing up i had no healthy relationships around me.

When i was young my parents divorced and even till this day i deal with the pain they continue to cause each other.
my brother growing up had no male roll model so he never really learned how to treat a woman right but i think slowly he's getting close (he's 3 years older than me and has had many many relationships but non that have lasted for a year that i recall)
I have few friends and even fewer close friends but many acquaintances that call me a friend.. I am reserved
I have seen teen love grow and fail and regrow
I think my greatest teachers of love were 1 of my close friends, 1 kinda acquaintance kinda friend, and my mother

-my close close friend has a worst up bringing than mine and had no good relationships around her that she could base a good relationship on.. Sadly it shows a lil in not only her love life but also what friends she allows so close to her heart even though i can see from a mile away they will only cause short term happiness but longer term pain...
I’m so glad though that as she and i grow together, she is starting to not just see what not so great characteristics those around her have but also to act a bit more on it. There are often 2 kind of ppl that are drawn to her.

The super needy and easily depressed
Or bi polar angry, anger issues and slightly abusive

She’s finally starting to take a stand and make the man she loves understand the not so great things he has done in their past. That will hopefully lead to a future for them both together(though he still has growing up to do and they both need to speak up more to each other)

But even that relationship i was not that comfortable using as a roll model as a healthy relationship for me (sorry love!)

-the kinda friend has i think never gone a month without dating someone or trying to get a person to ask her out. i watch every relationship she got in crash and burn and now she's back with a guy that she and him have gotten together and fallen apart 3 times in the past. They are a cute couple but both idiots at love.. True idiots

I used many of her mistakes to teach me what not to do. Like being ditsy and super ticklish may get the guys drooling and wanting you but it was always the kind of guys that would treat you wrong and only want you in bed

-my mother
I love her so much and she teaches me so much even the things she's not proud of in her past. She teaches me how to spot someone who was a user just by their conversation and how they made you feel during and after you would talk with them
She taught me so much and even though she never had a 100% great relationship she could tell me how to spot a healthy one


I guess i have her to thank for my current great relationship with the man i love. He and i tell each other when something’s wrong and aren't afraid to show affection. Though even after being with him for this long, I’m still nerves saying some things to him, but he encourages me that i can tell him anything and it will not scare him away no matter what
He accepts all parts of me that not all people accept



heh now I’m getting all teary and emotional -^^;
Last night he and i cried for hours because we missed each other so much and we realized how so in love we were. How we never wanted to leave the other ever.
How our love has the potential to last forever if we so choose
But it’s up to us

i guess the moral of this weird lil story is...
You don't have to have a roll model to find the perfect love
You don't have to have the exact relationship that those around you have because it’s probably not the one that will make you happy when you have it

You can have the relationship that works for you and that can be what you want it to be if you both work for it
together


i hope everyone can find love out there and even if you have a broken heart right now, learn from it and leave your heart open enough to let someone in to fix it <3

my deepext apologies for such the lond wait but i have finally scanned some of my fave art peices and will up load about 2 a do so i don't floor your submissions ^^;
thank you all for all your pationts

i'm so going x3 my mate and i hope to go and share a room just the two of us. i'm so exited! he and i plan to pre regrester...
here! ----> http://www.eventbrite.com/event/975679283/efblike
i'm probably going to just go as my fursona again and maybe i'll het my mate to dress up x3 or at least in some kitty ears <3 he's so freakin cute x3

1. Are you single or taken?
taken ^//^

2. Chocolate or flowers?
flowers

3. Will you do anything special for Valentines Day?
not the actual day but yesterday my mate and i had a fancy dinner and stuff

4. Do you like anyone?
yes

5. Were you dating anyone last Valentines?
no

6. Who do you want to spend Valentines with?
my mate

7. Do you make a big deal about Valentines?
i try not to but i'm a chick and we tend to make big deals over small things >.<

8. Have you ever had a secret admirer?
no

9. Would you ever write someone a love letter?
yes, i actually have before

10. Do you believe in Cupid?
fat baby with arrows totally can spot love from afar xp ya not buying it

11. Do your parents give you presents on Valentines?
rarely ^^ my mom gave me a cd for this v day though <3 i love my mommy

12. Do you still send out Valentine cards?
rarely

13. Do you like candy hearts?
the ones that resemble chock and have misspelt words on them? no

14. What is something you got last Valentines?
a smile from friends? ^^;

15. Is Valentines depressing?
often yes..

16. How is your love life?
past=shit
present=orgasmic

17. Have you ever been dumped on Valentines?
never had someone to dump me ^^;

18. How many roses would you want?
if i get even 1 i cry with joy ^//^; so the more that marrier

19. Will you have a girlfriend/boyfriend this Valentines day?
like today? ya i have a boyfriend <3 and i hope i'll have him next valentines day too

20. Will you have a boyfriend/girlfriend next Valentines?
oops ^^; answered it already

21. Who was your last Valentine from?
befor my mate? a bunch of class mates when we were forced to give everyone in class a valentine ^^;

22. Who do you expect to get a Valentine from this year?
my mate <3

23. Who would you most like to receive a Valentine from?
my mate <3

24. How many Valentines will you be sending this year?
0 ^^;

25. Have you ever not received a Valentine?
ya..

26. What was the most Valentines you received in a single year?
like 30 back when classmate were required to give them ^^;

27. Have you ever received an anonymous Valentine?
no

28. Have you ever sent an anonymous Valentine?
ya.. but the person found out it was me and laughed at me..

29. Will you be sending an anonymous Valentine this year?
no

30. What was the best Valentine gift you ever received?
a beautiful heart box filled with treats from my love and a bouque of orange roses <3




~ well that was in interesting meme

ok thanks to my ocd i'm feeling a lot less stressed and self consouse ^^
by me cleaning at least 1 room in my messy house i find i become a lot more level headed and can take things better into perspective while cleaning (weird i know)

~sorry i never got around to uploading this week ^^; all my off blocks i've been doing hw

~sorry (to all that care) that i plan to have my mom call me in sick tomorrow (playing hooky) just so i can do a power clean of the whole house and finish up even more hw

^^ i had mom make me a to do list which makes me happy cuz i now have short term goals i can't really mess up on! ^o^ woot

i'm trying to pimp out my messy house into a love shack for valentines day (shut up, i know its silly but this is the first time i don't actually hate myself so much that it makes me cry because not once in my past did anyone even show slight interest in me in rl and it was only in middle school i actually had friends and only highschool i actually started accepting my body and that few guys are interested in me... SO I HAVE REASON TO CELEBRATE DAMNIT!)
my mate is coming over both sunday once i get off work and monday once we're both off from school <3 so i'm trying to make everything clean and have a romantic feel ^//^

so ya...
i need to re stock my condom supply ^///^;

i should really upload some more new stuff huh ^^; sorry~
been kinda busy and forgetful and ya... ^^ i'll try and get around to it some time this week k?

yay! time to to get my life in order! sigh..
i have a bunch of art to do for AP studio art and i finally have a good idea to connect the pieces! (even though i've said that like 10 times now and they all failed so far >.<)
i want to shine my ring and re round my mom's
i want to hang out with my horny hun bun <3 x3 i get to today
i have to go to the library to turn in this audeo book thats due tomorrow
and i need to do house stuff like clean off the table, dishes, and laundry

i had an odd creepy dream last night that sorta helped me realize
though some guys at my school have physical quolities i'm atracted to, i can never feel right being with any of them. even in my dreams with a sexy man infront of me, all i can think about is how i only want my hun bun <3
this dream also makes me think that  Bloodwriter and i are seperating a little, that its up to me to make our awesome friend ship work and not weeken dispite issues that may be occering at our home life.

if you want to know the dream, don't ask ^^; i'd really rather not repeat it. i told Bloodwriter this morning ans she hugged me twice it was that messed up (funny that i measure how messed up things are that happen to me by how many hugs i get out of simpathy ^^; )


anywho there is my small update ^^

putting a pup
who needs to grow up,
in her place
the truth she will face,
she better learn
we will be stern,
but when you lie and we ask why
you just deny!?
but we forgive, we let it go
but then lies, you continue to show
which just shows us
it is you we can not trust...

a weasle in wolves clothing indeed

... mom is sick... i know it sounds mean but after taking care of her sense thursday... i really want to just go over to my mate's house and forget... her coughs and pale face make me feel like she's dieing... i can't help but cry a lil...

this lil rant is mainly about my mate...
lately more and more i've noticed he never seems jealous even is the guy is flirting with me right in front of him, he never seems that sad that he has to go accept for once in our whole 7 month relationship, and he practically laughs then sighs a tired sigh every time i even fanticize of him sleeping over or me sleeping over as if he has no hope of it ever happening or is willing to even try to make it happen...

i love him but lately its so hard to...

when he left today he left earlier than he even needed too, and when he got in his car and i got just inside the house... i wished with all my heart he would decide to break all the rules and stay, that he would get out of his car, burst in the doors and embrace me right there on the dark stairs i was curled up crying on... but he didn't... i watched my garage door and say as his headlights slowly faded as he backed out and drove off...

so here i am sitting at my computer crying still, knowing i'm a stupid girl for even hoping for such a thing...

i feel like there are no relationships that idealize to ask for advice... the one relationship that i actually know what is going on with them is not my kind of love story, i'm happy for them and surprised they make it work despite the ups and downs throughout the 3 years they've been together but right now i'm afraid to ask for advice from anyone...

anywho i'm sorry for anyone that this my have been a buzz kill for or just flat out wasted their time reading this whole thing... idc if you comment just please please please don't say "its going to be ok" ... because you don't know that and to say that is a cruel tease especially if its doesn't turn out ok...

well tonight there is no silver lining for this dark cloud
... unless i lost a pound in snot and tear, then there's a lil silver ^^

i'm getting over my mystery illness and well be able to go to school tomorrow (woo?)
tomorrow i will also hopefully be able to hang with my mate ^^
i have a butt load of work to catch up on but dummy me is wasting the day reading an online comic xp
oh i also have to catch up on my online Japanese courses and do laundry... i should probably eat something too ^^;
any who there is a lil random update on myself ^^ wish me luck on getting work done

he won't let me ditch my 3rd hour class tomorrow to take the half hour ride to his school just to see him at lunch for like 15 min >=T sheesh party pooper

lol but just wait
>.>
<.<
>o<
I SHALL VISIT YOU AT LUNCH WHILE YOU'RE AT SCHOOL EVENTUALLY HUN BUN!!!
... hopefully ^^;
heh he's just looking out for me ^^ <3