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Leaving
Posted a year agoI won't stay on a platform that actively hates babyfurs. The clarification post on 2.7 has made it clear that they place personal preference for content moderation over discourse and sanity. I will instead be moving my music to weasyl in the coming months and will no longer share anything here.
Good luck on the website.
Good luck on the website.
One More Light
Posted 8 years agoSo I feel empowered to type this.
As you may have known, on July 20th, 2017 Chester Bennington of Linkin Park took his own life. What you may now have known, is how big of an impact he had on me and my friends.
Chester was THE reason I did not take my own life in early adolescence. Chester was THE reason I didn't feel alone in a world that, then, felt like it only hated me.
This is something I don't talk about often, but in middle school I was not just bullied - I was absolutely torn apart. Every single day I wanted to die - and I tried... a lot. I had firearms waved in my face, suffered heatstroke in gym class and was laughed at by the teachers, targeted by the parents of children who tormented me, and suspended everytime I tried to defend myself.
Chester and his music gave me comfort at night. I read about his past then and carried it with me. In time they became a meme of sorts with people laughing at the cringy and overly emotional lines. But the truth is, you listened to it. We all did. And if you didn't; then you should have.
Now I'm sitting here, completely broken for the third night in a row. I can't sleep without hearing his voice in my mind. Perhaps it's stupid to feel this way about someone I never knew - about a celebrity of some sort, but you must understand. Chester was not just a celebrity to me; not just a famous dude to thousands of us who grew with him. He was an inspiration, a realization that you could beat your demons and move on.
But his demons won... left another chair bleak and empty on the floor. So now those of us who grew with him; grew because of him, are left broken and uncertain. If someone who was like us couldn't beat this... then how can we? How are we expected to challenge the darkness that takes even those that have so much? These are the thoughts that go through my head now.
I hear "One More Light" and all I hear is pain. I regret that I did not listen to it earlier. I had sealed off my past long ago; vowed to move forward and change. But this has opened these wounds again, as it has for many of us. All that hurt, that pain, that suffering and doubt, has just been rekindled. We are once again forced to realize that this did happen. All these awful things happened to us.
But I urge those of you who might be going through something similar for ANY reason to remember that YOU DID go through it, and you won. Giving up doesn't earn us any solace; solace is for the living. Change doesn't come easy - and leaving behind another empty place in someones bed will never accelerate it.
I must admit - I've faced that decision before. I've faced the realization that I will die. I've faced the realization that it was my decision to end it all - and I never want to do that again. It's the single most frightening thing that I have ever had happen to me. There's nothing here on earth that can compare to that one single decision; that one single moment. It's horrifying; and I hurt because of it. But I was fortunate in that I learned and got help. I sought out others and fought - and continue to fight.
I apologize if this is nothing but droning... but you must understand that this is something I've not felt for a long time... and something that I planned on never having to face again.
Please - if you're thinking of following Chester... if you're planning anything or ever feel like you should take that step, just take three breaths. Three long breaths. Three breaths is all you need to understand what it is that separates here from there. If you can find it in yourself call someone... call the suicide hotline. It sounds dumb, I know. It sounds trivial; I know. It's anonymous though - and I promise you... it's more help than you think it is.
No one is going to come for you for calling. No one is going to blame you for calling. No one will call you weak for calling. No one will even know if you don't want them to. If you're that far... just reach out to someone please.
Chester has undoubtedly made a mark on my life - so many positive changes... including life itself. Give yourself that same chance. Go out and change the world for someone. Maybe it's just buying some homeless guy a sandwich... maybe it's being a friend to a kid in class that seems distant. Maybe you chase away the bullies for someone else. Or maybe you just offer a simple smile to someone in pain... a simple moment can change the course of history - can change the course of a life.
You aren't alone in this world. You never will be. We are all here together - even if the shit that's posted everywhere seems to indicate otherwise; we are all here. And if all else fails, please just remember the lines from "One More Light"...
Who cares if one more light goes out?
I do. I really fucking do.
As you may have known, on July 20th, 2017 Chester Bennington of Linkin Park took his own life. What you may now have known, is how big of an impact he had on me and my friends.
Chester was THE reason I did not take my own life in early adolescence. Chester was THE reason I didn't feel alone in a world that, then, felt like it only hated me.
This is something I don't talk about often, but in middle school I was not just bullied - I was absolutely torn apart. Every single day I wanted to die - and I tried... a lot. I had firearms waved in my face, suffered heatstroke in gym class and was laughed at by the teachers, targeted by the parents of children who tormented me, and suspended everytime I tried to defend myself.
Chester and his music gave me comfort at night. I read about his past then and carried it with me. In time they became a meme of sorts with people laughing at the cringy and overly emotional lines. But the truth is, you listened to it. We all did. And if you didn't; then you should have.
Now I'm sitting here, completely broken for the third night in a row. I can't sleep without hearing his voice in my mind. Perhaps it's stupid to feel this way about someone I never knew - about a celebrity of some sort, but you must understand. Chester was not just a celebrity to me; not just a famous dude to thousands of us who grew with him. He was an inspiration, a realization that you could beat your demons and move on.
But his demons won... left another chair bleak and empty on the floor. So now those of us who grew with him; grew because of him, are left broken and uncertain. If someone who was like us couldn't beat this... then how can we? How are we expected to challenge the darkness that takes even those that have so much? These are the thoughts that go through my head now.
I hear "One More Light" and all I hear is pain. I regret that I did not listen to it earlier. I had sealed off my past long ago; vowed to move forward and change. But this has opened these wounds again, as it has for many of us. All that hurt, that pain, that suffering and doubt, has just been rekindled. We are once again forced to realize that this did happen. All these awful things happened to us.
But I urge those of you who might be going through something similar for ANY reason to remember that YOU DID go through it, and you won. Giving up doesn't earn us any solace; solace is for the living. Change doesn't come easy - and leaving behind another empty place in someones bed will never accelerate it.
I must admit - I've faced that decision before. I've faced the realization that I will die. I've faced the realization that it was my decision to end it all - and I never want to do that again. It's the single most frightening thing that I have ever had happen to me. There's nothing here on earth that can compare to that one single decision; that one single moment. It's horrifying; and I hurt because of it. But I was fortunate in that I learned and got help. I sought out others and fought - and continue to fight.
I apologize if this is nothing but droning... but you must understand that this is something I've not felt for a long time... and something that I planned on never having to face again.
Please - if you're thinking of following Chester... if you're planning anything or ever feel like you should take that step, just take three breaths. Three long breaths. Three breaths is all you need to understand what it is that separates here from there. If you can find it in yourself call someone... call the suicide hotline. It sounds dumb, I know. It sounds trivial; I know. It's anonymous though - and I promise you... it's more help than you think it is.
No one is going to come for you for calling. No one is going to blame you for calling. No one will call you weak for calling. No one will even know if you don't want them to. If you're that far... just reach out to someone please.
Chester has undoubtedly made a mark on my life - so many positive changes... including life itself. Give yourself that same chance. Go out and change the world for someone. Maybe it's just buying some homeless guy a sandwich... maybe it's being a friend to a kid in class that seems distant. Maybe you chase away the bullies for someone else. Or maybe you just offer a simple smile to someone in pain... a simple moment can change the course of history - can change the course of a life.
You aren't alone in this world. You never will be. We are all here together - even if the shit that's posted everywhere seems to indicate otherwise; we are all here. And if all else fails, please just remember the lines from "One More Light"...
Who cares if one more light goes out?
I do. I really fucking do.
Getting Some Things Off My Chest
Posted 8 years agoI need to get some things off my chest. There's honestly no one I can really seriously go to and talk about these things - at least not without receiving recommendations for how to fix things. The issue is that many people think they can fix these problems of mine - but no, these are my problems to bear and the situations involving them so complex that it renders me less than capable of both asking for and receiving aid.
So anyways...
The truth here is that over a year ago I was finally diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. This is something that many people have, and it occurs in varying degrees.
I got the bad one.
I'm a full-time student, with a near full-time job. Typical situation for most college students really. What's not typical is the fact that my workload is easily triple that of my fellow peers. I get less than 5 hours of sleep a night, I work well into the am on homework, and I spend most of my free time desperately searching for help. I struggle day to day to find out exactly why in the world this is the case and can only ever come to the conclusion that for some reason the omnipotent skyforces have chosen me to frown upon. In addition to this, I deal with the anxiety on a daily basis. You see, for me it isn't just a few panic attacks a day... it's every hour. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I wake to a panic attack. I have panic attacks in my dreams. I go to sleep with a panic attack. My heart never stops pounding, my hands never stop shaking, and my thoughts never stop racing. I'm scared of everything. Scared that the failure of a class will cause admonishment. Scared that admonishment will damage me. Scared that I could be that 40 year old guy still living at home because he couldn't handle what the world threw at him. I know these fears only cause me pain. I know these fears are irrelevant - but it doesn't fix it.
The thing is - I'm better because of this. It hurts - and it hurts every single waking moment; but I'm stronger than I've ever been. While my peers are able to spend time drifting aimlessly on Reddit, I spend the time furiously working. The point being - even though things hurt me far more than they hurt others, I'm able to bear more - and I know it.
So I'm sitting here right now, struggling with a java project that will barely function, knowing that not turning it in would barely make a dent in my entire grade for the course, and I'm horrified that I can't get it to work. I know that I should be focusing on math right now. As it stands I have an A+ in java and even if I failed the final and didn't turn in anything for this project I'd still probably pass the course with a C+... however, I'm at a B- in precal, and the final would easily sink me there. The logical thing to do would be to completely abandon all hope for this project and just focus on math. But welcome to my brain. You see, somehow my brain has convinced my subconscious that, in some twisted version of this reality, failing to turn in the final project would result in supreme disappointment from the professor, scoffs and admonishment, and an inability to pass the course at all. Numbers don't support this - yet my brain believes this.
So - I'm sitting here. Just typing - talking to what amounts to white noise really. Because there isn't anything to do to save me here. No one can make me feel better, and believe me they've tried. The wonderful people in this community and in my life try daily to make me feel better, but it sadly has little effect other than to remind me that at some point I should really answer that god-damned telegram message Everything hurts. My mind hurts, my body hurts, my will hurts - but I'm continuing on. And I'm continuing on, NOT because I somehow believe that I might be able to handle it better - but because I believe that somehow this must get better.
And if it doesn't... I don't know... but something will have to change, because this isn't sustainable - and trust me when I say, no one enjoys breathing more than I.
So anyways...
The truth here is that over a year ago I was finally diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. This is something that many people have, and it occurs in varying degrees.
I got the bad one.
I'm a full-time student, with a near full-time job. Typical situation for most college students really. What's not typical is the fact that my workload is easily triple that of my fellow peers. I get less than 5 hours of sleep a night, I work well into the am on homework, and I spend most of my free time desperately searching for help. I struggle day to day to find out exactly why in the world this is the case and can only ever come to the conclusion that for some reason the omnipotent skyforces have chosen me to frown upon. In addition to this, I deal with the anxiety on a daily basis. You see, for me it isn't just a few panic attacks a day... it's every hour. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I wake to a panic attack. I have panic attacks in my dreams. I go to sleep with a panic attack. My heart never stops pounding, my hands never stop shaking, and my thoughts never stop racing. I'm scared of everything. Scared that the failure of a class will cause admonishment. Scared that admonishment will damage me. Scared that I could be that 40 year old guy still living at home because he couldn't handle what the world threw at him. I know these fears only cause me pain. I know these fears are irrelevant - but it doesn't fix it.
The thing is - I'm better because of this. It hurts - and it hurts every single waking moment; but I'm stronger than I've ever been. While my peers are able to spend time drifting aimlessly on Reddit, I spend the time furiously working. The point being - even though things hurt me far more than they hurt others, I'm able to bear more - and I know it.
So I'm sitting here right now, struggling with a java project that will barely function, knowing that not turning it in would barely make a dent in my entire grade for the course, and I'm horrified that I can't get it to work. I know that I should be focusing on math right now. As it stands I have an A+ in java and even if I failed the final and didn't turn in anything for this project I'd still probably pass the course with a C+... however, I'm at a B- in precal, and the final would easily sink me there. The logical thing to do would be to completely abandon all hope for this project and just focus on math. But welcome to my brain. You see, somehow my brain has convinced my subconscious that, in some twisted version of this reality, failing to turn in the final project would result in supreme disappointment from the professor, scoffs and admonishment, and an inability to pass the course at all. Numbers don't support this - yet my brain believes this.
So - I'm sitting here. Just typing - talking to what amounts to white noise really. Because there isn't anything to do to save me here. No one can make me feel better, and believe me they've tried. The wonderful people in this community and in my life try daily to make me feel better, but it sadly has little effect other than to remind me that at some point I should really answer that god-damned telegram message Everything hurts. My mind hurts, my body hurts, my will hurts - but I'm continuing on. And I'm continuing on, NOT because I somehow believe that I might be able to handle it better - but because I believe that somehow this must get better.
And if it doesn't... I don't know... but something will have to change, because this isn't sustainable - and trust me when I say, no one enjoys breathing more than I.
Seen it a lot, I want to see less.
Posted 10 years ago> _
>......
>Incoming message:
I've seen this a lot right lately and it's become something that I feel I must address, not because I make music and art, but because I listen and consume it.
I've seen people complaining about artists trying different styles. I've seen them complain so much that they even have the audacity to call those new attempts "sellouts" or signs of "death". This is not fair. Not to the artist, and not to the listener/watcher.
Let me explain this. An artist cannot be confined to one simple medium. A true artist is obsessed with finding new methods and means with which to create, destroy, and create again. Those that tend to follow only mainstream art and music will not understand this. I do not call it mainstream to sound pretentious, but because it's true. I feel many have gotten so caught up in feeling like they just HAVE to have something that defines them that they wind up belittling the beliefs and habits of others.
Many of the artists you may listen to, watch, or otherwise consume (not here on FA generally though) are performers, not creators. They are the face of hard work. They are the effigy that burns bright. This is completely fine, but it creates this false assumption that artists must strive to achieve their heights; that artists must strive for continuity. It hurts the industry when this happens, and it hurts the people who consume it.
I ask you, please, to not take for granted the presence of creation and craftsmanship that endows the next album, movie, or medium your favorite artist produces - regardless of your enjoyment of it. Art is not always meant to be universally appreciated. But you don't have to belittle it or those who enjoy it just because it isn't something you are comfortable with or used to.
>//
>......
>connection terminated.
>......
>Incoming message:
I've seen this a lot right lately and it's become something that I feel I must address, not because I make music and art, but because I listen and consume it.
I've seen people complaining about artists trying different styles. I've seen them complain so much that they even have the audacity to call those new attempts "sellouts" or signs of "death". This is not fair. Not to the artist, and not to the listener/watcher.
Let me explain this. An artist cannot be confined to one simple medium. A true artist is obsessed with finding new methods and means with which to create, destroy, and create again. Those that tend to follow only mainstream art and music will not understand this. I do not call it mainstream to sound pretentious, but because it's true. I feel many have gotten so caught up in feeling like they just HAVE to have something that defines them that they wind up belittling the beliefs and habits of others.
Many of the artists you may listen to, watch, or otherwise consume (not here on FA generally though) are performers, not creators. They are the face of hard work. They are the effigy that burns bright. This is completely fine, but it creates this false assumption that artists must strive to achieve their heights; that artists must strive for continuity. It hurts the industry when this happens, and it hurts the people who consume it.
I ask you, please, to not take for granted the presence of creation and craftsmanship that endows the next album, movie, or medium your favorite artist produces - regardless of your enjoyment of it. Art is not always meant to be universally appreciated. But you don't have to belittle it or those who enjoy it just because it isn't something you are comfortable with or used to.
>//
>......
>connection terminated.
I don't post this stuff often, but here's my situation.
Posted 11 years agoI wouldn't post this anywhere else, just because in some strange way I feel like it doesn't belong anywhere else.
I honestly don't even know where to begin. Life's a train wreck ever since dad passed. It's made me realize a lot of things I'd have rather remained ignorant about. I'm terrified of leaving this place and starting out on my own... but at the same time, I want nothing more than to be set free. When I'm driving away from this town I'm the happiest. When it feels like I'm going somewhere; when it feels like I've got something going, I feel free.
I'm terrified I'm going to fail though. Terrified that the stresses of the world will eat me alive, leave me hollow and drive me to drink away my health and finances. Terrified that even though I feel passionate about my choice in career that I won't be given a chance, or that if I am that I won't be able to handle the workload. I'm scared that I'm weaker than everyone else - that a 9-5 job will literally eat me alive and that the rest of the world will only laugh because they can handle it, and always have been able to. I'm terrified I won't be able to.
There's no reason for these fears. I know what I'm doing; I know what I need to be looking for in life but there's something just under the surface constantly that feels wrong. I'm not lazy by a long shot, but I feel like I am because I haven't done or gotten what I'd hoped to have done and seen at my current age. Time it seems is not my friend this time around. Sometimes I think it never is a friend.
I've been filling my world with sexual distractions. Fetishes, toys, games, and pornography; none of it is real. The truth is I've invented it in an effort to run away from the truth and the reality I live with.
I'm extremely blessed to be able to still live with my mom and I know that it's technically okay like this since the economy is so fucking awful, but at the same time - It's horrible. It's horrible because I haven't 'tried' yet, and that's killing me.
I'm in a constant, internal struggle. I portray myself as who I 'want' to be. My music, my profiles, my writing, -everything; it's all what I 'want' to be, but it's so far from where I currently am that it bothers me endlessly.
In 2014 I mourned the loss of my father and ran and hid, as, rightfully I was entitled to. This year, 2015, I can no longer allow myself to run away from my problems. I cannot let the fear of failure eat me alive. I cannot sit here and chew this to the bone anymore. I'm not really sure why I write this let alone post it but I can only assume it's because I wish to god that somewhere out there someone exists that has gone through the same things as me or is currently facing the same shit.
Needless to say this is all caused my cub side to retreat into utter darkness, which is only making things worse. I can't even relax this stress away with padding anymore.
There's got to be some way of me fighting this.
There's got to be.
Because I don't back down, and I don't really want to spend the rest of my life grinding my teeth.
I honestly don't even know where to begin. Life's a train wreck ever since dad passed. It's made me realize a lot of things I'd have rather remained ignorant about. I'm terrified of leaving this place and starting out on my own... but at the same time, I want nothing more than to be set free. When I'm driving away from this town I'm the happiest. When it feels like I'm going somewhere; when it feels like I've got something going, I feel free.
I'm terrified I'm going to fail though. Terrified that the stresses of the world will eat me alive, leave me hollow and drive me to drink away my health and finances. Terrified that even though I feel passionate about my choice in career that I won't be given a chance, or that if I am that I won't be able to handle the workload. I'm scared that I'm weaker than everyone else - that a 9-5 job will literally eat me alive and that the rest of the world will only laugh because they can handle it, and always have been able to. I'm terrified I won't be able to.
There's no reason for these fears. I know what I'm doing; I know what I need to be looking for in life but there's something just under the surface constantly that feels wrong. I'm not lazy by a long shot, but I feel like I am because I haven't done or gotten what I'd hoped to have done and seen at my current age. Time it seems is not my friend this time around. Sometimes I think it never is a friend.
I've been filling my world with sexual distractions. Fetishes, toys, games, and pornography; none of it is real. The truth is I've invented it in an effort to run away from the truth and the reality I live with.
I'm extremely blessed to be able to still live with my mom and I know that it's technically okay like this since the economy is so fucking awful, but at the same time - It's horrible. It's horrible because I haven't 'tried' yet, and that's killing me.
I'm in a constant, internal struggle. I portray myself as who I 'want' to be. My music, my profiles, my writing, -everything; it's all what I 'want' to be, but it's so far from where I currently am that it bothers me endlessly.
In 2014 I mourned the loss of my father and ran and hid, as, rightfully I was entitled to. This year, 2015, I can no longer allow myself to run away from my problems. I cannot let the fear of failure eat me alive. I cannot sit here and chew this to the bone anymore. I'm not really sure why I write this let alone post it but I can only assume it's because I wish to god that somewhere out there someone exists that has gone through the same things as me or is currently facing the same shit.
Needless to say this is all caused my cub side to retreat into utter darkness, which is only making things worse. I can't even relax this stress away with padding anymore.
There's got to be some way of me fighting this.
There's got to be.
Because I don't back down, and I don't really want to spend the rest of my life grinding my teeth.
Regretfully I inform...
Posted 11 years agoTo my friends in the furry community and all those I've met along the way.
I regret to inform you that on May 9th my father, who raised me, fed me, and provided for me in cooperation with my mother, passed away. I was informed by two officers while home alone after work that Friday. He had left to get milk from the store and passed away in our van from a heart attack.
Needless to say I've been a wreck the past few days. I've refused to let any member of my family out of my sight for more than 5 minutes at any time and the few times it has happened I've had panic attacks. It's like a nightmare I can't wake from for me and any moment I am still expecting to wake up from it.
This will be affecting all art and music that is produced in the future and the speed and swiftness with which it is produced. It will also effect how much I will be available to talk to those in the coming months and years.
To those who have reached out to me thank you for your support in this difficult time. I will eventually return.
Until then, I will be with my family as much as possible.
Best wishes,
Blu
I regret to inform you that on May 9th my father, who raised me, fed me, and provided for me in cooperation with my mother, passed away. I was informed by two officers while home alone after work that Friday. He had left to get milk from the store and passed away in our van from a heart attack.
Needless to say I've been a wreck the past few days. I've refused to let any member of my family out of my sight for more than 5 minutes at any time and the few times it has happened I've had panic attacks. It's like a nightmare I can't wake from for me and any moment I am still expecting to wake up from it.
This will be affecting all art and music that is produced in the future and the speed and swiftness with which it is produced. It will also effect how much I will be available to talk to those in the coming months and years.
To those who have reached out to me thank you for your support in this difficult time. I will eventually return.
Until then, I will be with my family as much as possible.
Best wishes,
Blu
Music Dump Incoming.
Posted 11 years agoFixing to dump a lot of musix that I either can't or won't use on my debut professional albums. Some may eventually get published under different titles and collection albums, b-side albums, and/or secondary EP's. Most won't.
Since I don't want to put them anywhere else, I figure I'll share them here instead of having them waste away all lonely on my hard-drive.
Keep in mind, these ARE still PRODUCTION TRACKS. These were not 10-15 minute songs recorded in my basement on a Casio SA-1 w/ a headset mic.
With that, let the dumping begin.
Since I don't want to put them anywhere else, I figure I'll share them here instead of having them waste away all lonely on my hard-drive.
Keep in mind, these ARE still PRODUCTION TRACKS. These were not 10-15 minute songs recorded in my basement on a Casio SA-1 w/ a headset mic.
With that, let the dumping begin.
Life Update v1.1
Posted 11 years agoI never do journals but there was a bit too much to say this time around to fit into one solid tweet.
First off there's been a few things I've wanted to address in my life and about where my presence really lies in this tiny community. When I started out in this a little over a year ago my goal was to meet new people and make a life change that set me out on a path for the better. My life was stagnant and in need of dire change. I was an alcoholic at 21 with a dead end job and a college drop-out. The furry community was a massive change for me - and coming in as a babyfur, something I've been for all my life, was nothing short of life altering. I started following my desires and exploring aspects of myself that I once felt off limits. I began wearing diapers to bed at night in hopes of achieving bedwetting and incorporating more childish decor and behavior into my everyday life.
Despite these changes for the better it's slowly gotten stagnant again. I've lost some things as well; parts of myself I liked and feel I will need in the future. It's time for another change. So I'm going to likely back off from the 24/7-esque life that I've been building for the past year.
I felt alive and more magical when the padding was brought out on one night a week. It was a reward, and a signal that the next 24 hours would be safe, warm, and happy. As it stands right now, upon waking in the morning I don't feel cubby in the slightest. The magic has been sucked from the activity. Padding and cub items still make me happy and feel safe, but not for long, and not in the same way they once did. Regression has faded for me, and I want to chase it again.
Speaking of chasing, I'm also in the process of evaluating my life in general and where I wish to head off to and more specifically, in what direction. At present I have a few ideas on what I'd like to do and have been scouring the pages of the internet and many books as to what areas might be more beneficial for me. Ultimately I've decided that I don't really care about the income anymore. I care more about doing what makes me happy than actually making enough money to buy false happiness.
My music is of paramount interest to me as well. I'm taking on that in full from now on and considering every aspect of it as well as chasing down every opportunity I can to share, create, and perform. Music is my escape and what I wholeheartedly want to chase in life. There is nothing better to me than sitting down at a keyboard with a ton of plugins and just making things happen.
I've neglected friends I have in real life too, and I will change that. Balance is a hard thing for me. It's an equation I can never find the solution to.
Overall my first steps into this community are over. I learned what I needed to about myself this past year and it's time for me to begin re-incorporating myself back into this thing I call my life.
OH! And the results of one whole year spent in diapers at night time is that there is occasional bedwetting. Only occasional, maybe once every month or every other month. So technically if you were super ambitious enough and wanted to make it happen you could I suppose. I tried but in the end found out that what mattered more to me was the 'magic' involved in those special regressive weekends where I'm snuggled up, padded, and watching little bear before bed - knowing that I can quickly return to normal. To me that's safety. To me - that's the magic.
So TL;DR (where most of you ended up):
-I'm slowly going to stop wearing to bed everynight
-I'm re-focusing my energy into RL friends and my music
-I'm re-evaluating every plausible and desired direction in life.
-Results of wearing to bed every night for a year are meager but encouraging.
Thank you all for being the best there is,
-Sincerely
-BluPup '14
First off there's been a few things I've wanted to address in my life and about where my presence really lies in this tiny community. When I started out in this a little over a year ago my goal was to meet new people and make a life change that set me out on a path for the better. My life was stagnant and in need of dire change. I was an alcoholic at 21 with a dead end job and a college drop-out. The furry community was a massive change for me - and coming in as a babyfur, something I've been for all my life, was nothing short of life altering. I started following my desires and exploring aspects of myself that I once felt off limits. I began wearing diapers to bed at night in hopes of achieving bedwetting and incorporating more childish decor and behavior into my everyday life.
Despite these changes for the better it's slowly gotten stagnant again. I've lost some things as well; parts of myself I liked and feel I will need in the future. It's time for another change. So I'm going to likely back off from the 24/7-esque life that I've been building for the past year.
I felt alive and more magical when the padding was brought out on one night a week. It was a reward, and a signal that the next 24 hours would be safe, warm, and happy. As it stands right now, upon waking in the morning I don't feel cubby in the slightest. The magic has been sucked from the activity. Padding and cub items still make me happy and feel safe, but not for long, and not in the same way they once did. Regression has faded for me, and I want to chase it again.
Speaking of chasing, I'm also in the process of evaluating my life in general and where I wish to head off to and more specifically, in what direction. At present I have a few ideas on what I'd like to do and have been scouring the pages of the internet and many books as to what areas might be more beneficial for me. Ultimately I've decided that I don't really care about the income anymore. I care more about doing what makes me happy than actually making enough money to buy false happiness.
My music is of paramount interest to me as well. I'm taking on that in full from now on and considering every aspect of it as well as chasing down every opportunity I can to share, create, and perform. Music is my escape and what I wholeheartedly want to chase in life. There is nothing better to me than sitting down at a keyboard with a ton of plugins and just making things happen.
I've neglected friends I have in real life too, and I will change that. Balance is a hard thing for me. It's an equation I can never find the solution to.
Overall my first steps into this community are over. I learned what I needed to about myself this past year and it's time for me to begin re-incorporating myself back into this thing I call my life.
OH! And the results of one whole year spent in diapers at night time is that there is occasional bedwetting. Only occasional, maybe once every month or every other month. So technically if you were super ambitious enough and wanted to make it happen you could I suppose. I tried but in the end found out that what mattered more to me was the 'magic' involved in those special regressive weekends where I'm snuggled up, padded, and watching little bear before bed - knowing that I can quickly return to normal. To me that's safety. To me - that's the magic.
So TL;DR (where most of you ended up):
-I'm slowly going to stop wearing to bed everynight
-I'm re-focusing my energy into RL friends and my music
-I'm re-evaluating every plausible and desired direction in life.
-Results of wearing to bed every night for a year are meager but encouraging.
Thank you all for being the best there is,
-Sincerely
-BluPup '14
The best part about the FA drama
Posted 12 years agoEveryone is posting their Weasyl accounts now which means now I don't have to systematically go through and ask a couple hundred of the friends and artists I have what their accounts are.
Personally, Weasyl is where I'd love to be hanging out more. Much nicer imho.
I don't even know why everyone's ticked, I'm just happy to have more folks on-board with another site.
Feel free to post your links as well if you've got one and I'll give ya a follow.
Best wishes,
BluPup
Personally, Weasyl is where I'd love to be hanging out more. Much nicer imho.
I don't even know why everyone's ticked, I'm just happy to have more folks on-board with another site.
Feel free to post your links as well if you've got one and I'll give ya a follow.
Best wishes,
BluPup
Babby Quiz thing
Posted 12 years agoFor those who enjoy looking at such things... *shrug* I was bored.
byfurriness:
1. [ ] -I'm mommy's / daddy's little helper.
2. [ ] -Holds Mommy's / Daddy's hand.
3. [ ] -I have more than one Marci Badge.
4. [x] -I have more than one caretaker.
5. [ ] -Gets into trouble.
6. [x] -Cuddles, Snuggles, Huggles, Purr...
7. [x] -I like to suck on my thumb.
8. [x] -I like my Paci.
9. [x] -Baffs with bubbles or not at all!
10. [x] -I make appropriate animal noises to communicate.
II. Diapers:
1. [x] -Diapers are fun!
2. [ ] -Diapers are required.
3. [ ] -Prefers a diaper over undies!
4. [x] -Crinkles or it's garbage.
5. [x] -The thicker the better!
6. [x] -Cloth!
7. [x] -Disposables!
8. [x] -Vinyl Pants.
9. [x] -Baby Powder.
10. [x] -Baby Lotion.
III. Eating:
1. [ ] -Bibs are required.
2. [ ] -I prefer Baby bottles to glasses.
3. [ ] -I prefer Sippy Cups to glasses.
4. [ ] -I'd rather be fed than feed myself.
5. [x] -Cookies are currency.
6. [] -Vegetables are Evil.
7. [x] -I eat baby food!
8. [ ] -I drink baby formula.
9. [x] -NOM NOM NOM ^.^
10. [x] -Chews on Stuff
IV. Play:
1. [x] -PARK!!!!! "and plays on stuff"
2. [x] -Hide and seek!!
3. [x] -Saturday morning cartoons!!!! yay!
4. [x] -Blanket Forts!
5. [ ] -I like to play house.
6. [ ] -TEA PARTIES!!
7. [ ] -I'd rather blow bubbles than play video games.
8. [ ] -Draws on walls.
9. [x] -Colors outside the lines.
10. [x] -Draws on Paper.
V. Toys:
1. [x] -Plays with boy toys. (Tonka, transformers)
2. [x] -Plays with girl toys. (Dolls, figurines.)
3. [x] -Plays with baby toys.
4. [x] -Has building blocks.
5. [x] -I has baff toys.
6. [x] -Plushies!
7. [x] -I own more plushies than I do underwear.
8. [x] -I sleep with more than one in bed.
9. [x]-They all have names.
10. [x] -My plushies are real.
VI. Bedtime:
1. [ ] -Gets up early!
2. [x] -Takes naps.
3. [x] -Wakes up wet.
4. [ ] -Wakes up dirty.
5. [x] -Would rather sleep in a crib than your bed.
6. [x] -I sleep with a night light / glow plushie.
7. [x] -I can't live without my blankie.
8. [x] -I enjoy bedtime stories.
9. [x] -I fall asleep to gentle lullabies.
10. [ ] -I fall asleep to hypnosis media.
VII. Clothes:
1. [x] -I own a onesie.
2. [x] -I own more than one onesie
3. [x] -I own a set of footed PJs.
4. [x] -I own more than one set of footed PJ's
5. [x] -I own a pair of short-alls/over-alls.
6. [x] -I own more than one pair of short-alls/over-alls.
7. [ ] -I own a party dress / jumper.
8. [ ] -I own more than one party dress / jumper.
9. [ ] -All my cub clothes are designed for easy diaper changes.
10. [x] -I'm perfectly comfortable in just a T-shirt and diaper.
Now, go through and add up all the 'x's' you've selected and put the total number below.
TOTAL: 48
less than 10 x's = Closet Babyfur
10 to 20 x's = You still live with your parents don't you?
20 to 30 x's = Newbie Babyfur
30 to 40 x's = You're making progress.
40 to 60 x's = One of us! One of us!
60 or more x's = Um...Wow! You might want to seek therapy.
====
yesssssssss...... one of us....
byfurriness:
1. [ ] -I'm mommy's / daddy's little helper.
2. [ ] -Holds Mommy's / Daddy's hand.
3. [ ] -I have more than one Marci Badge.
4. [x] -I have more than one caretaker.
5. [ ] -Gets into trouble.
6. [x] -Cuddles, Snuggles, Huggles, Purr...
7. [x] -I like to suck on my thumb.
8. [x] -I like my Paci.
9. [x] -Baffs with bubbles or not at all!
10. [x] -I make appropriate animal noises to communicate.
II. Diapers:
1. [x] -Diapers are fun!
2. [ ] -Diapers are required.
3. [ ] -Prefers a diaper over undies!
4. [x] -Crinkles or it's garbage.
5. [x] -The thicker the better!
6. [x] -Cloth!
7. [x] -Disposables!
8. [x] -Vinyl Pants.
9. [x] -Baby Powder.
10. [x] -Baby Lotion.
III. Eating:
1. [ ] -Bibs are required.
2. [ ] -I prefer Baby bottles to glasses.
3. [ ] -I prefer Sippy Cups to glasses.
4. [ ] -I'd rather be fed than feed myself.
5. [x] -Cookies are currency.
6. [] -Vegetables are Evil.
7. [x] -I eat baby food!
8. [ ] -I drink baby formula.
9. [x] -NOM NOM NOM ^.^
10. [x] -Chews on Stuff
IV. Play:
1. [x] -PARK!!!!! "and plays on stuff"
2. [x] -Hide and seek!!
3. [x] -Saturday morning cartoons!!!! yay!
4. [x] -Blanket Forts!
5. [ ] -I like to play house.
6. [ ] -TEA PARTIES!!
7. [ ] -I'd rather blow bubbles than play video games.
8. [ ] -Draws on walls.
9. [x] -Colors outside the lines.
10. [x] -Draws on Paper.
V. Toys:
1. [x] -Plays with boy toys. (Tonka, transformers)
2. [x] -Plays with girl toys. (Dolls, figurines.)
3. [x] -Plays with baby toys.
4. [x] -Has building blocks.
5. [x] -I has baff toys.
6. [x] -Plushies!
7. [x] -I own more plushies than I do underwear.
8. [x] -I sleep with more than one in bed.
9. [x]-They all have names.
10. [x] -My plushies are real.
VI. Bedtime:
1. [ ] -Gets up early!
2. [x] -Takes naps.
3. [x] -Wakes up wet.
4. [ ] -Wakes up dirty.
5. [x] -Would rather sleep in a crib than your bed.
6. [x] -I sleep with a night light / glow plushie.
7. [x] -I can't live without my blankie.
8. [x] -I enjoy bedtime stories.
9. [x] -I fall asleep to gentle lullabies.
10. [ ] -I fall asleep to hypnosis media.
VII. Clothes:
1. [x] -I own a onesie.
2. [x] -I own more than one onesie
3. [x] -I own a set of footed PJs.
4. [x] -I own more than one set of footed PJ's
5. [x] -I own a pair of short-alls/over-alls.
6. [x] -I own more than one pair of short-alls/over-alls.
7. [ ] -I own a party dress / jumper.
8. [ ] -I own more than one party dress / jumper.
9. [ ] -All my cub clothes are designed for easy diaper changes.
10. [x] -I'm perfectly comfortable in just a T-shirt and diaper.
Now, go through and add up all the 'x's' you've selected and put the total number below.
TOTAL: 48
less than 10 x's = Closet Babyfur
10 to 20 x's = You still live with your parents don't you?
20 to 30 x's = Newbie Babyfur
30 to 40 x's = You're making progress.
40 to 60 x's = One of us! One of us!
60 or more x's = Um...Wow! You might want to seek therapy.
====
yesssssssss...... one of us....
My Own BDSM Quiz
Posted 12 years agoStolen from 
sparkthedalmation
Experimental
82%
Switch
71%
Submissive
54%
Degradation
39%
Bondage
36%
Exhibitionist / Voyeur
29%
Vanilla
25%
Sadist
18%
Dominant
14%
Masochist
0%
sounds about right...
http://quizfarm.com/quizzes/Sex/poe.....bdsm/index.php
sparkthedalmation Experimental
82%
Switch
71%
Submissive
54%
Degradation
39%
Bondage
36%
Exhibitionist / Voyeur
29%
Vanilla
25%
Sadist
18%
Dominant
14%
Masochist
0%
sounds about right...
http://quizfarm.com/quizzes/Sex/poe.....bdsm/index.php
