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A Rant from a Mixed Bag of Shepherd Nuts

There are times in your life, when you look back, when you evaluate yourself (so to speak). When you jump make into the pits you fell into before. Investigating, trying to make reason to why the pit is there in the first place. You do this, because the that pit changed who you are; it hurt you, scared you. And like in history, your wanting to learn why it happened to prevent another.

But there are occasions when you look into the pit, and notice a pattern. One pit starts to relate to other pits. And these pits all have the same outcome, and the same amount of pain, and the same emptiness it left you with. It would only be logical to first assume “you” are the problem. You are consistent, a key player in each event. In fact you have become, recently, a sort of outcast. Maybe others see it, maybe they don’t, some may choose to look the other way, others make it a big deal. So perhaps “you” are the problem.

If this is the case, that’s ok. You learn, and move on. Some people aren’t meant to be friends. It may hurt a lot, but you have to press forward. You can protest all you want mentally, “I was the one who put the effort into the friendship, no body else tried to reach out to them, I was the first, I tried the hardest to keep it, I wanted it the most, I brought them into my circle of trust and friends”…etc. It doesn’t matter. You don’t own a person. In relationships, Its like this…If your partner loves you, then decides they also love another. They should go with the second person, because you weren’t enough love for them. Similarly goes for friends. If you befriend someone, and bring them into your life, or another group of friends, and they decide to slowly, maybe unaware, push you out of their life…then you should let them stay where they are. Why should you fight for a friendship, when it wasn’t good enough for them in the beginning.

I see this happen all the time, I’m a victim, and I’ve been on the other end. It’s sorta like karma, I’ve dropped people off my radar without the slightest idea, forgotten, miscommunicated, just plain messed up. And looking back, I can see that in their shoes, it can potentially hurt, so much so that you question whether or not you are a despicable person. Whether people dislike you, hate you, and you can become bitter. Start to be very stern and blunt, almost on an unattractive, borderline mean way. And that only causes you to dive down the pit further and further. A vicious cycle, spawned by unawareness, lack of care, or lies.

Like many others, I had a group of friends so closely bonded, I thought we were invincible. I remember bringing them into my life one by one. Years of hangouts, hikes, movie nights, relaxing couch nights, general bs-ing. It was great. Then, I wasn’t enough, I became unwanted, replaceable. I was replaceable, because they found a better path for themselves, without me. And unnoticed to them, it made me bitter, angry, nervous…I became that dog that the owner left in the backyard far too long, and watched as he stopped taking me out, coming to give me attention, and overall forgetting I existed. Instead of growing more and more aggressive I decided to leave, unannounced. And find another home. One I’m still in search for. Some friends stayed by my side, not to choose sides, but they never forgot me. Those friends formed even stronger bonds. Others, I’m finding hard to let go. It goes back to the pits, I keep finding myself in them, looking for other answers. Looking for ways to change, always coming back to the conclusion that I’m better off without. But life isn’t that easy. A bond made to last forever, isn’t meant to break without taking a bit of you with it. And at this rate, protecting the last pieces left to give have been more important than letting new friends grab on. The hurt is unbearable, unrelenting, overall unfair. But trying to relay the pain is impossible. It’s a foreign language to all but you. The only solution, is endurance. Keep moving forward. You’ll look back every step at first, then every other step. Soon it’ll be rhythmic, every 4, 8, every block. Then, it’ll slowly fade, you might run into it again by mistake, and when you do, the process will start all over. But at least you know you can endure it. And like before, you start walking.

Friends argue, Great friends fight, Acquaintances…they agree. Equal emotion is essential, because you can never take back what you put in.


Your loyal ranting shepherd,

Blur.