FA+
Shop
6/6 - So Mad
Posted 3 years agoI'm so mad. Don't even know why. Maybe I do, maybe I don't. Everything god damn suck. Falling apart. Nothing really makes me happy anymore, don't know if I will feel okay or happy again. I keep thinking about ending it but I never do. Why haven't I yet? It's all over. Everything I touch turns to ruin. Why am I so mad? Why the FUCK do I feel so alone, even when I try to reach out I feel so fucking alone and I'm with my thoughts and it's killing me. Maybe it should just finish the job. What am I anymore? Why am I even doing anything?
Work's been fine. I work with good people. Brought in some Anaglyph 3D glasses for everyone so they could watch my videos in 3D. Was that stupid? Doesn't seem like anyone has taken any. Well, maybe one or two people. Some people at work really like my videos. I never really follow up on the numbers they do. I haven't really been particularly inspired recently. Even the things I want to do I don't have the inspiration to do. Where are these projects going? Are they losing quality now?
Why the FUCK can't I connect to others anymore? Why do I feel like there's there brick wall now? Am I stupid? Autistic AF? No confidence. It's frustrating me. Like, I can talk to people. Sometimes I can't connect. The people I want to connect with I can't. Feels like I can't. I try to be supportive of everyone. Still, feels like I'm my own biggest roadblock. How do I remove that? I will never have the potential for success again. Everything just burns down.
I just want to feel like I can love again but I can't I just fucking can't. I get so fucking weird about it now. It all feels WRONG. Still being thrust between wanting to love again and having this emotional block that prevents it. It just doesn't go away. Maybe I never knew how to love to begin with. Maybe I am incapable of it. People said it would get better. I would feel okay. I don't. I just can't get past it. I just want to give all my stuff away and disappear. If I'm not any good, why am I still here? Am I just as mad as all the other people? I'm trying to make a legit conscious effort to try and be a better person.
Maybe it's easy to forget the good things when so much bad has happened. I either want love or career success, and neither I have achieved. I want to love and be loved by another again so bad but I just can't. It feels like something broke inside me. Can that be fixed? Will time heal this still? Have I not met the right person? How do I do this? Everything feels so much more complicated than it did before. It's so stupid, so fucking stupid. I can't with it anymore. Is it worth fixing at this point? Maybe it's time to lay down and give everything a rest. I technically did the one thing I wanted in life already. Could I die without regrets? Why can't I be motivated to do the things I like?
Why the fuck do I still have to be nuts? It feels like everything happened yesterday, and it's coming up on a YEAR. Should I just burn everything to the ground? Burn all the bridges and end it? Nobody would care anyway, and it would help me end myself easier if nobody would miss me. She was okay with me killing myself. She told me as long as it wasn't around her, it would be okay. Maybe she was right.
Work's been fine. I work with good people. Brought in some Anaglyph 3D glasses for everyone so they could watch my videos in 3D. Was that stupid? Doesn't seem like anyone has taken any. Well, maybe one or two people. Some people at work really like my videos. I never really follow up on the numbers they do. I haven't really been particularly inspired recently. Even the things I want to do I don't have the inspiration to do. Where are these projects going? Are they losing quality now?
Why the FUCK can't I connect to others anymore? Why do I feel like there's there brick wall now? Am I stupid? Autistic AF? No confidence. It's frustrating me. Like, I can talk to people. Sometimes I can't connect. The people I want to connect with I can't. Feels like I can't. I try to be supportive of everyone. Still, feels like I'm my own biggest roadblock. How do I remove that? I will never have the potential for success again. Everything just burns down.
I just want to feel like I can love again but I can't I just fucking can't. I get so fucking weird about it now. It all feels WRONG. Still being thrust between wanting to love again and having this emotional block that prevents it. It just doesn't go away. Maybe I never knew how to love to begin with. Maybe I am incapable of it. People said it would get better. I would feel okay. I don't. I just can't get past it. I just want to give all my stuff away and disappear. If I'm not any good, why am I still here? Am I just as mad as all the other people? I'm trying to make a legit conscious effort to try and be a better person.
Maybe it's easy to forget the good things when so much bad has happened. I either want love or career success, and neither I have achieved. I want to love and be loved by another again so bad but I just can't. It feels like something broke inside me. Can that be fixed? Will time heal this still? Have I not met the right person? How do I do this? Everything feels so much more complicated than it did before. It's so stupid, so fucking stupid. I can't with it anymore. Is it worth fixing at this point? Maybe it's time to lay down and give everything a rest. I technically did the one thing I wanted in life already. Could I die without regrets? Why can't I be motivated to do the things I like?
Why the fuck do I still have to be nuts? It feels like everything happened yesterday, and it's coming up on a YEAR. Should I just burn everything to the ground? Burn all the bridges and end it? Nobody would care anyway, and it would help me end myself easier if nobody would miss me. She was okay with me killing myself. She told me as long as it wasn't around her, it would be okay. Maybe she was right.
5/29
Posted 3 years agoI read a story recently where this guy kept a journal to work through some issues and I thought to my self, 'hey, might as well.' So here we are.
I don't know where to start. A lot's happened in the last 3 years. Kinda wish nothing happened at this point but here we are. I got a new job! That's fun. People I work with are super nice, we all have a Discord chat together. Everyone pulls their weight, nobody slacks. Great teamwork, I love to see it. I really wanna impress these guys. One of them asked me if I was a furry in front of everyone because of my profile picture (It's a pic of Paulo from BCB, I'll get to that later). I kinda lied but to be fair I was caught on the spot. They'll find out soon enough ;). For now, I want to promote the 3D work I do. I think I'll do a 'Speed 3D Conversion' on the Bob's Burgers Movie poster and send it to the chat.
I saw The Bob's Burgers Movie. Never seen the show, but I know the characters and the basic premise. It was just nice to see a traditionally animated movie in theaters again. Well, one made in the west, I know a lot of anime movies have come out but it's not my thing :/. Bob's Burgers reminded me a lot of The Simpsons Movie. Both have a lot of charm, but Bob's Burgers was on a much smaller scale. I'm slowly falling in love with the opening number (yeah, it's a musical) called Sunny Side Up Summer. Honestly worth it to just kill some time and support 2D animation. Did you know this is the first 2D animated movie produced by Disney since 2011's Winnie the Pooh? And the last 2D animated movie I saw in theaters was Teen Titans Go! To The Movies. That was nice too. Never saw that show, either. Go check out Bob's Burgers. Animation looked nice. Beats that new Rescue Rangers movie.
Ahhhh, BCB, the 'Bittersweet Candy Bowl', my latest cope/ obsession. Short and sweet, it's about the most frustrating group of high school cats that ever existed. Warning, don't read unless you want it to grab you by the feels and never let go. Cats falling in love and then not being honest with each other. I've made a whole YouTube channel around it, and it does pretty decent numbers. We're almost to 60 subs!
I still do 3D stuff. Did a 3D video at this radical air and space museum known as the Udvar Hazy Center. It came out really well! I've also dabbled in converting things to 3D, though it's a tedious process, and my skill set on that is limited. I did a few BCB panels in 3D, and they look incredible. 3D is on the rise again with Avatar: The Way Of Water coming out, Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness even got an IMAX 3D release (which I saw) and it was awesome! Glad to see the industry rediscovering its love of 3D again.
Speaking of love. Yeah. Sucks. As my old roommate HotDog would always say, sucks to suck. I hate finding out how right that phrase is. Still feels like there's a void inside of me, and it's made it difficult to connect with other people, even more so than it was before. I'm just a nervous mess all the time, really awkward. Maybe I can learn to be better about it, I dunno. Sucks to suck. I just want to feel okay again. It's been a long time since I felt okay. People said things would get better, but has it? Maybe? I don't know. Still hurts. Coming up on a year later and it feels like it all happened yesterday for me. Feels like I'm climbing up a dirt pile but I keep slipping in the mud. I'm stuck between wanting to love again, and then getting scared to love again. Christ, that's a pickle, isn't it?
But I'm still around. I made it this far. Still a ways to go. Here's a to-do list.
- Car needs door handle fixed.
- Windshield has tiny dent in it.
- Tooth looks like it's forming a hole.
- Eye sight needs a checkup, the glasses I just got last year are kind of starting to get blurry.
- Don't have health insurance.
- Still feeling alone and torn apart
Not the best :/ BUT, here's something to counter that:
- I have a job I don't hate.
- I have a place to live
- Rent is dirt cheap
- I have food to eat
- I have a decent amount of money saved up
- I seemingly have my health (physical health that is, mental has gone down the drain)
- Got some friends
I have this fear that saying any of this will cause ole Murphy to come knocking and say it's time to collect his due. I suppose that's all for now. It's a beautiful day out, and I got work today. Not so bad, I got friends there. Thanks for reading. I'll have another journal up... sometime soon.
I don't know where to start. A lot's happened in the last 3 years. Kinda wish nothing happened at this point but here we are. I got a new job! That's fun. People I work with are super nice, we all have a Discord chat together. Everyone pulls their weight, nobody slacks. Great teamwork, I love to see it. I really wanna impress these guys. One of them asked me if I was a furry in front of everyone because of my profile picture (It's a pic of Paulo from BCB, I'll get to that later). I kinda lied but to be fair I was caught on the spot. They'll find out soon enough ;). For now, I want to promote the 3D work I do. I think I'll do a 'Speed 3D Conversion' on the Bob's Burgers Movie poster and send it to the chat.
I saw The Bob's Burgers Movie. Never seen the show, but I know the characters and the basic premise. It was just nice to see a traditionally animated movie in theaters again. Well, one made in the west, I know a lot of anime movies have come out but it's not my thing :/. Bob's Burgers reminded me a lot of The Simpsons Movie. Both have a lot of charm, but Bob's Burgers was on a much smaller scale. I'm slowly falling in love with the opening number (yeah, it's a musical) called Sunny Side Up Summer. Honestly worth it to just kill some time and support 2D animation. Did you know this is the first 2D animated movie produced by Disney since 2011's Winnie the Pooh? And the last 2D animated movie I saw in theaters was Teen Titans Go! To The Movies. That was nice too. Never saw that show, either. Go check out Bob's Burgers. Animation looked nice. Beats that new Rescue Rangers movie.
Ahhhh, BCB, the 'Bittersweet Candy Bowl', my latest cope/ obsession. Short and sweet, it's about the most frustrating group of high school cats that ever existed. Warning, don't read unless you want it to grab you by the feels and never let go. Cats falling in love and then not being honest with each other. I've made a whole YouTube channel around it, and it does pretty decent numbers. We're almost to 60 subs!
I still do 3D stuff. Did a 3D video at this radical air and space museum known as the Udvar Hazy Center. It came out really well! I've also dabbled in converting things to 3D, though it's a tedious process, and my skill set on that is limited. I did a few BCB panels in 3D, and they look incredible. 3D is on the rise again with Avatar: The Way Of Water coming out, Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness even got an IMAX 3D release (which I saw) and it was awesome! Glad to see the industry rediscovering its love of 3D again.
Speaking of love. Yeah. Sucks. As my old roommate HotDog would always say, sucks to suck. I hate finding out how right that phrase is. Still feels like there's a void inside of me, and it's made it difficult to connect with other people, even more so than it was before. I'm just a nervous mess all the time, really awkward. Maybe I can learn to be better about it, I dunno. Sucks to suck. I just want to feel okay again. It's been a long time since I felt okay. People said things would get better, but has it? Maybe? I don't know. Still hurts. Coming up on a year later and it feels like it all happened yesterday for me. Feels like I'm climbing up a dirt pile but I keep slipping in the mud. I'm stuck between wanting to love again, and then getting scared to love again. Christ, that's a pickle, isn't it?
But I'm still around. I made it this far. Still a ways to go. Here's a to-do list.
- Car needs door handle fixed.
- Windshield has tiny dent in it.
- Tooth looks like it's forming a hole.
- Eye sight needs a checkup, the glasses I just got last year are kind of starting to get blurry.
- Don't have health insurance.
- Still feeling alone and torn apart
Not the best :/ BUT, here's something to counter that:
- I have a job I don't hate.
- I have a place to live
- Rent is dirt cheap
- I have food to eat
- I have a decent amount of money saved up
- I seemingly have my health (physical health that is, mental has gone down the drain)
- Got some friends
I have this fear that saying any of this will cause ole Murphy to come knocking and say it's time to collect his due. I suppose that's all for now. It's a beautiful day out, and I got work today. Not so bad, I got friends there. Thanks for reading. I'll have another journal up... sometime soon.
Inner Turmoil
Posted 7 years agoI don't really know how to lead off this post, but I feel like something I've feared for a long time may soon come to pass, or rather, already has.
You see, I feel like some folks are avoiding me. Some folks that, I really looked up to. Who inspired me to be better, to fight back against the dark path I had been walking down (Although indirectly.) And to me, they were some of the best friends I had in this community. They really helped me out a lot.
But now, it's like they don't want to see me again. I mean, at first everything seemed fine. We had dinner, we hung out, and things seemed like they were back to normal. But, as time went on, it began to feel as though I'd been replaced... and that scared me, so I opted to ignore it. I felt like I was as important to them as they were to me, but maybe I wasn't? But that couldn't possibly be, how could it?
I ended up leaving Facebook, because I began to feel a horrible, deep sense of despair. A feeling of absolute dread I'd only felt once before. It was as though all the happiness and joy had been sucked out of me, like things would never be ok again. I never told anyone this until now.
I kept trying to hang out, but they'd always say they had work, but then I'd see that they were hanging out with other people. Look, I know I don't need to be in their business 24/7, and I'm not, but it just feels bad to get declined and then it seemed like they just used a false excuse not to hang out. The last time we hung out was in March or April.
Whenever I go to the same con as them, or some public event, they sort of just don't acknowledge my existence. And it feels bad cause we used to always do stuff together. This last con, they didn't even say one thing to me. I don't even think they looked at me. And I want to talk to them about this, but I'm too scared. And every time I try to hang out with them to potentially talk to them, I get turned down.
Did I do something to offend you? Did I hurt you again and I didn't realize it? Am I not cool because I don't have a fursuit anymore? What did I do? I don't want to be alone again. I just want to be like you guys. Maybe I'm crazy and all of this is just me looking into things the wrong way.
They mean so much to me, and I feel like I'm nobody to them.
And it's a horrible feeling. I miss you guys.
You see, I feel like some folks are avoiding me. Some folks that, I really looked up to. Who inspired me to be better, to fight back against the dark path I had been walking down (Although indirectly.) And to me, they were some of the best friends I had in this community. They really helped me out a lot.
But now, it's like they don't want to see me again. I mean, at first everything seemed fine. We had dinner, we hung out, and things seemed like they were back to normal. But, as time went on, it began to feel as though I'd been replaced... and that scared me, so I opted to ignore it. I felt like I was as important to them as they were to me, but maybe I wasn't? But that couldn't possibly be, how could it?
I ended up leaving Facebook, because I began to feel a horrible, deep sense of despair. A feeling of absolute dread I'd only felt once before. It was as though all the happiness and joy had been sucked out of me, like things would never be ok again. I never told anyone this until now.
I kept trying to hang out, but they'd always say they had work, but then I'd see that they were hanging out with other people. Look, I know I don't need to be in their business 24/7, and I'm not, but it just feels bad to get declined and then it seemed like they just used a false excuse not to hang out. The last time we hung out was in March or April.
Whenever I go to the same con as them, or some public event, they sort of just don't acknowledge my existence. And it feels bad cause we used to always do stuff together. This last con, they didn't even say one thing to me. I don't even think they looked at me. And I want to talk to them about this, but I'm too scared. And every time I try to hang out with them to potentially talk to them, I get turned down.
Did I do something to offend you? Did I hurt you again and I didn't realize it? Am I not cool because I don't have a fursuit anymore? What did I do? I don't want to be alone again. I just want to be like you guys. Maybe I'm crazy and all of this is just me looking into things the wrong way.
They mean so much to me, and I feel like I'm nobody to them.
And it's a horrible feeling. I miss you guys.
