Hey, Kitten is alive, just not so active here.
Writing a journal to bump the old one
I hope everyone is being safe these days!

Apparently while sharing my art in a Facebook Babyfur group, the folks there don't know who I am and accused me of tracing/stealing my own art.
I mean I honestly can't share any art other than my own, so if posting my own art means I'm tracing then I can't share any art on there at all xD

It's just really silly how clueless these folks are, even after showing proof in the comments that I drew the pieces I posted.
Nobody checks the comments, and the group admins only read the reports made on my posts.

Putting this to bump off my old icky Journal from the profile front.
I hope those reading this are doing well despite all the ickkyness that FA is doing to us smaller character artists!

Look, I really hate to write a negative journal but I need to get these thoughts off my chest and express how I've been dealing with grief with each day..

In the past week I've been removed from no less than 6 groups.
I've been blocked, I've had friends who I saw as brothers and sisters simply walk away and leave me alone.
Twitter has become a toxic place.

I was planning on working on my art to hopefully finally get into a workable place to take commissions.
and the community gave me a clear message that I am not welcome here.

The opinions I expressed were in ignorance, they were poorly spoken with little regard.
I acted out of character and now I am dealing with the consequences..

The things posted by an artist on Twitter in an unrelated incident has also painted me as support for harassment and stalking and as a result a large number of people have lumped my name in with the suspected behavior of another, all by association...

This past week has removed all comforts I've built here in this community.
I cannot trust anyone, and I've lost the trust of people I valued the most.
I don't even know where to go from here..

At the moment I'm just existing, and trying to just continue life without the social life I had online.
It's difficult but I am managing..

I don't think I will ever be able to return to how things were, because I don't have the power to convince people I am not what they think I am..

If you happen to read this and have been involved, or decided that I am not a favorable person anymore, I extend my apologies, and ask that you give me a chance to show you who I am..

I feel like many people have forgotten what I do and how much I selflessly love my friends and the community that made me feel like I had a purpose..

There's just so much I wanna write without mono-logging a wall of text.

Jee, it's been two years since I posted something Journal wise?
who even reads these things any more?

I've been posting little bits of art here and there, and those who keep track of me on twitter have seen my doodles I try to make to at least draw something.

I've been struggling to accept myself, I've -always- been struggling, I'm not gunna lie, or cover it up.
I'm as real and transparent as they get.

I have been heavily desiring actually taking commission slots, to actually make a bit of free spending money to improve my quality of life.
But I lack so much confidence in myself to commit to it.

I know a dozen people who've come to me in the last month who have wanted art from me for so long, and I just smile, and nod my head, and it gets lost in my ever flipping thoughts, until I am reminded later that I should have drawn this person something, and they post new commissions they got instead.

and I'm like, I could have done that, I could have done that and felt like I did something.

I have one person in particular who's been working with me, I owe them, they paid me, and I'm just knocking down ideas every time.
I'll sit and doodle it and then I'm not happy with how it looks and scrap the picture, and then take more breaks, or doodle personal art..

I am so completely obsessed with art, and I love the feeling of completing a picture, but I struggle so much with the process of getting it done..

I wish I knew the solution to this never ending cycle that didn't involve me just quitting altogether to save me the trouble..
I can't stop drawing, I just can't, it's something I'll always do as long as I have hands to hold a pencil.

But I just want to actually get up and DO something with it.
create the drive to actually DO the art, and make people happy like I intended, and maybe.. just maybe I could make some extra money..


Weh, Thanks for reading.

Bump

Alright, so a friend an I came up with this really funny idea.
and after figuring out how difficult it is for me to draw I decided to reach out to the community for this.

Basically..
Three Panel comic.

Friends rubber Bunny/Donkey is laying down in a messy diaper, long tail with a tuft at the end.
Teasing Bobby nearby with the tail.
Bobby being a typical kitten tries to pounce on it, but friend moves the tail only for the kitten to land face first into his friends messy rear.

First panel would be the tease
second panel would be the ready to pounce
third would be the face plant..

I need a serious artist to do this justice.

Please DM me if you are interested in making this a reality! =D

I've come across a few pages here as of late of people who are really heavily political.
as in they're really outspoken about what they believe is right.

You won't see that from me.

For my own good and best interests, and avoid confrontation I keep my political beliefs pretty much quiet until necessary to protect the ones I care.

I will say I have quit a few leanings in both sides, most of which contradict each other in the pure sense.


But I have such little understanding, that I feel I have no right to speak out about such things.
so I stay quiet..

My page is for my art and the expression of my fetishes for those who enjoy it.


Much love <3

https://youtu.be/mSrDbR2pyKg

https://youtu.be/ZanZRU14o_Y

I am complete.

Journal again =D

What were you doing in your 10th year of drawing seriously?

Were you at an acceptable skill level?
Were you taking commissions?
Were you happy with your art?

Did you understand basic character design and anatomy?


I ask this because even after 10 years


10 YEARS....

I am having a crisis over my art..

I'm struggling to finish a picture, if even past a sketch, because sketches are even so cruddy that I cannot color them.
My lines are a mess, too much of a mess for the style I am trying to draw.

this has been going on the last three months I've been forcing myself to draw..

And the other night when I tried to draw free hand doodles at work.. it hit me.
It hit hard like a stack of bricks, I realized how little I've moved forward..

I realized also that this lack of ability to draw things is my own fault...
I wasted 10 potential years to draw better, and yet after all 10 the best I can come up with is single character detail sketches, sometimes with a messy water color splash..

Like WTF is up with me?
I am a brilliant person capable of critical thinking, and problem solving, and I am smart.. I know I am..
I know it, I've been told it...
WHY CAN'T I EXECUTE THIS IN TO ACTION?!

Bump! c=

I am Sorry.

My apologies for my actions on twitter.
My apologies for the lack of art.
My apologies for being such a downer lately.
My apologies for my lack of communication to people really trying to get my attention.

I have not been the type of artist I had intended to be.
Heck I still continue to upload and never finish pencil sketches.

Now, I have a long list of excuses I could fill this journal with, self pity and oh woe is me, my life is hard blah blah.

Well yeah and so is 100 others out there who have been doing the same thing.

I see my behavior as inexcusable, but justified in it's own right some how.

I'm scared I have lost the trust of a number of friends whom have had trust in me.

I don't know where to go from here.

I've been thinking, in quiet silence, what to do with myself.

I considered qutting art altogether, but that would make me very upset.
part of me feels like nothing would be missed if I quit, but I myself would not enjoy it.
and I would miss the attention I get here and there when I show it off.

I've considered quitting the whole Little fur lifestyle, because it feels like a hopeless cause, an endless battle to find sanctuary for my feelings to go free.
My endless search for an adult figure to connect with.
It only brings pain in place of something I seek comfort in.
I struggle with my living situation to indulge.
But to let it go would be to let go the only emotional release I have outside of art.
and yet, I feel selfish for complaining, and it becomes a vicious cycle that resembles chronic depression.

I've also considered shutting myself off from communication Via Social medias, and only showing myself through my art, the one medium that people seem to unconditionally enjoy from me.
I tend to feel that it's the thing people want most of me, and the only thing I can do that does not destroy friendships, or cause grief amongst those I care about.
But could I actually handle the solitude?
could I stand not to socialize with people, and give in to my desire to express my opinion and communicate.
I mean I am a natural loner, I always have been.
I am the one who always sits outside of the group and works in his own space, away from others, but while secretly wishing people would appreciate him and like him.

These are thoughts I've been having in my off times I get time to myself to sit and ponder.

By the way, if you've ever come to me to try and connect with me via Instant chat like Telegram, or Steam, or something, I hope that you understand that I mean no ill feeling toward you if I don't reply.
It's hard for me to explain the uncomfortable feeling I get when I either have no idea what to reply, or I just don't feel like getting into conversation.
Sometimes I feel trapped in an IM, and I don't know how to get out if I want to get up and do something else, I get anxious easy, and want to run.
Most of the time my best solution is to pretend I am not there, and that is a horrible thing for me to do, to just ignore a possible friend who just wants to see how I am doing, maybe lend an open ear.


Anyways I think that's all for my Rambling here, thanks for reading, and stuff.

bump

Ok, kids.
Hear me out here.

I've been around the community nearly 9 years now.
While it might not seem like much number wise.
It has felt like a long time compared to most things I've done.

In my time here I've established my interests, and found the friends I could stick with and trust with my life..

And sadly I've made these observations as well....

I could be In the same room with somebody, for the same purpose, whether it be because we share the same hobby, or the same interest fetish wise, what have you.
but the second I make an opinion known based on personal experience, or just because I don't strongly believe one way or the other, I'll be completely lit on fire, and painted as a bad guy for all to see.

It further reinforces my fear of ever taking sides.

In fact from the beginning I've never been a fan of taking sides to an argument, and usually offered my own third point of view to every 2 sided direction.
Much to my surprise this has actually caused me more grief.
because I won't side with one or the other, I am accused of sympathizing with the other party.
or told I lack the back bone to stand for what I believe in.

What if I told you that my back has been broken more times than I could count, for standing for what I believe in? cast away by friends I deeply cared for.
What if I told you my opinions, if heard would make me lose all of what I work for in terms of respect from my friends and the community?

And this brings me to another subject..

Respect..

There is one thing I have an interest in, that seems to befowl my image more than anything I love.
In a visual standpoint this could be taken in jest, and be a fun thing to tease about.
But in all seriousness, I feel this is what prevents me from ever connecting with the community and getting to share the best of me..

My interest in Messy diapers.
It's no secret, I love it.
It's tied into every fetish I have, it's a trigger for me to relax and feel little.
and it's a source of comfort.

It has however become a big stink (pun intended) on my image as an artist and a contributing member of this community.
I feel that just simply because I love this sort of thing, and that I am so comfortable with it, that people avoid me out of sheer disgust, or simply because they do not wish to be associated with it.

I feel helpless as a result. (Not the good kind)
Because this is a big part of me.
I've tried to let it go, I've tried to find other things, I've tried to even convince myself this is wrong and that I can't keep doing this.
All with futile efforts and sometimes a strong recoil, when I bounce back and realize this isn't leaving me.
Nothing can replace the vulnerable feeling of being messy.
Nothing can replace the feeling of pushing it out.
The needy feeling, the reminder that I am still just a baby.
The warmth, and the embarrassing stink.

Sometimes it really puts a nail on my stake so to say, to know this is my curse, a rancid, terrible stain on who I am in the eyes of others.
"Gosh if only Bobkitty wasn't so into messy diapers, he'd be so much more likable"

But I reluctantly cannot escape this.
I've tried to run, only to be pulled back in by the comforting desires.

I wish I could say this isn't all of me, and I'll even tell you I have a real life outside of all this mess.
but who would believe me, when all they see is me expressing my comforts online?
Those who have met me in person know I can put all of that behind me and reveal a very likable and enjoyable person to interact with, always willing to help, always willing to offer, always standing by to give an open ear.
But I have only existed in such small circles, only a few people believe the real me, few see Bobby outside of the Kitten, few take the chance to brave the unknown and see the clean Bobby.

I can admit, it's really hard to get to me behind my mask, because of my hardened personality towards new people, I don't trust anymore, and not often I consider anyone past small talk and sharing art.
But I'd like believe I am a decent person, a flawed person, but a decent person regardless.


Really tho.. in TLDR, after all this rambling.
I just.. I just wish in the 9 years I've been here.
I could feel like I belong.
It's pretty fitting being a Black cat, and always wandering to the next, looking for a place to be, before being cast away when people realize who I am.
I can only wear a disguise for so long.

So, The job offer isn't taking foot
as in I haven't heard anything back after checking in on and making sure I was still in.

I have Bills I need paid, or else I lose access to the internet, and the ability to communicate, with ya'll other than my phone.
and my car insurance which gives my access to to drive around and get to a job.

So with much reluctance, I'm reaching out to you guys.

Anything helps, I'll do sketches all day for $5, just make sure you tell me what you want!

My commission info is in the tab
I feel these are reasonable prices.


http://www.furaffinity.net/commissions/bobkitty/


Thank you guys ;_;

It seems the topic of Babyfur artists and them quitting is becoming a big conversation lately..
So allow me to convey my opinions on it if you will <3

Babyfur artists seem to be only commissioned to draw nothing but cubs.
sometimes doing literally the same thing just in different place.
and this burns out most artists who feel underappreciated in their talents.

When they are capable of fully detailed pictures, and when they DO show these they are met with zero feedback and overlooking of capability.

Now I'm not one to say that most of the community I know do this.
as I've had numerous people encourage me to do more detailed personal pieces.

But there appears be a collective of babyfurs out there I am not aware of
(either cause I am not popular enough, or I'm oblivious to them) that hoard artists to draw nothing but, or only pay attention to it if it has a diaper on it.
bonus if it's used, or extra bonus if there's an adult supervising too
Basically if it pushes buttons, it's getting faved, and commissioned..

Am I guilty of faving this?
I would be lying if I said no.
I am enough of a Babyfur trash pile to accept I love this stuff too.
but what sets me apart is my artist roots,
my deeper love for detail in art that allows me to see beyond the diaper, or the cubby buttons.

It's easy for me to do it cause of my love for art, and I personally wouldn't expect it of the general not artist consumers out there who lust for it.
But I do wish people would open their eyes, look beyond, appreciate that behind all that cute stuff is a living breathing human, who has desires and dreams like you.
They pay a cable bill (and often more), they live in a house, they need food everyday too.
They aren't some robot who obeys every command.
And gosh it might seem like it cause they draw everything so perfect, and they always get it right!
Aw man how could a human be capable of that perfection?
Gosh maybe it's cause they've spent their entire life doing it!
Hard work pays off you know.

I'm not really a great example of it, considering my art is still messy as fuck even after drawing serious for 8 years, but I've still improved. (But I digress)

Personally, I escape the pain this consumer collective hoarding of the community, because drawing babyfurs and cute things is an obsession of mine, I don't exactly draw it cause they want it, I draw it for me.
I know someday I'm going to burn out on this and want to do different art, and i'll feel it for myself what's wrong. (I mean I kinda have but that's besides the topic)
And I see not every artist is as lucky as I am to have this obsession driving them to keep going.


Please for the love of your community, respect your fellow artist of the cute, and small, and young..
If you truely care about an artist you'll appreciate what they do besides babyfur stuff.
You know, maybe broaden your sights, appreciate the skill and hard work they are capable of.
You might be impressed.

I know it's a lot to ask because it's not a babyfur, it doesn't have diapers, it's not pressing your little feel buttons.
But realize, please realize, that not every artist lives to press your buttons.
and just like you can do a binge and purge cycle on being little.
They go through the same with art.
They feel bored of it, the same thing, it's stagnation.
Think about eating the same type of food every day.

Hai Guys!

Hey don't look at me like that =I
The smell isn't from me, I just changed earlier.
you're smelling the week old pail sitting in the corner.

Anyways, I'm caught up on a few pictures!
and coming down still from the afterglow of an amazing weekend at Megaplex!
I finally met a bunch of people I've been meaning to run into for a while.
all while missing a bunch who sadly couldn't make it, or moved out of state for important reasons.

Regardless I had a good time, and I can only wish it lasted longer, everything happened so fast I can barely remember it all at once.
But the dreams I keep having at night remind me of all the wonderful things my friends have done for me <3

I was spoiled all weekend, and spent so little thanks to generous people letting me stay in their room, and suggested cheap places to eat.
I even got to flex my vocals for a Voice acting panel, which actually recorded my set, and will be editing and posting on their site in the next coming weeks!
SO Awesome!

Job wise..
Well hours before I was to drive to the convention Thursday I popped my head into my old work place, and was immediately greeted by old friends, who instantly pulled me in and handed me an application to work in the actual nursing home, and not the housekeeping company I was working for.
I applied to work in the kitchen, as a dietary assistant.
which isn't easy in the least but it was a job offer none-the-less, and after doing the application I was handed a "pre Hire Packet" right after which was the next step before I am to be called for Orientation.
at the moment I am currently waiting on that call, but sitting around being lazy isn't helping me, and I'll be going in sometime in the next couple days to check in to see where things are.
if they are doing the background check and when I go in for finger prints.

In the mean time I'm still open to doing commissions!
every little thing helps, and the more I draw the better I get.
Aside from me trying to sketch and doodle every day.
Admittedly I am still very very sloppy with my art, and my inconsistencies are stressing me out.
and it's harder for me than usual to iron out these with every picture, in an attempt to make better looking art, not only for all of you, but for myself as well.



I love you guys, Thank you all so much for being my friends, and sticking with me through the last 10 years I've been an active part of this community.

So I was informed that I lost my job today.
My forgetful nature eventually led up to me being let go cause I forgot many times to clock in and out..


But anyways..

I am open for art commissions tho =o
Maybe to earn a few here while I look for work in the next coming weeks after Megaplex.

So far I have.
Finished
Finished
Finished!

I'll be sure to have these worked on ASAP

I wanna draw badges.

who wants a badge?

I need to make extra money on the side for Megaplex.
Help a kitten feed himself during con? c=

Furaffinity, is my home.
It's where I began
It's where I grew as an artist.


This site is not perfect, I don't expect it to be.
Being such a hated site and people who have beef with those who run it and strong opinions of how it is coded from the 90's.
It gets a lot of attention, and people will attack it to bring it down and cause more people to leave.
making the site look worse and worse as admins, and developers alike struggle to keep it afloat.

The more they take it down, the more people leave.

Eventually hackers, and those who despise FA will succeed as they ultimately destroy the community here.

and Furaffinity will be none more than a distant memory.

Sites like FurryNetwork, Weasyl, Furrific, Ect. will continue to be the new frontier.
and eventually we as an artist collective will split..

It's to the point to where if you want updates from an artist you admire or wish to contact you must sign up for such and such art site that they prefer.

You have to update and keep track of 4 or more different places to post your art, just so the community collective will get to see it.

This was the plan all along, this is the Fall of Furaffinity, and the divide of a once collected artist connection.


By the way...
I'm not going anywhere, I will continue to post here.
Deal with it.

Sorry..
I've kind of dropped back into a Railfanning kick thanks to my days in Folkston..
I hunger for more!

It's ok, don't panic!

I was just showing a couple favorite pictures off, for the few railfans I have who follow me, I figure would appreciate the catches, and how much I am learning about these trains! <3

I'll have more adorable, babyfur, diaper art out soon, don't worry! ;_;

Just wanted to bump the journal off my page..

I do love y'all tho for your support.

I still have personal and real life issues plaguing my every day.
and it's bringing me down.

If people have been following me on twitter or know me on skype, you know I either haven't been around much, or have ran into some Deeeep depression..
which has recessed my little side to non-existence.

Well a lot of things have happened in a short amount of time, that have been piling on top of each other faster than I can deal with them.

Some my fault, and some just a stroke of bad luck.

Recently Ive been in the process of rebuilding my computer, it needed it.
it was running on it's edge everyday and being pushed just to do daily activities.
i had a 95w CPU in it and the board supports 65W, the bios was so old that it didn't recognize the chip.

It was an alright computer, but with my job I was able to stash aside money each check to buy parts one by one.
I was finally on my way to having somewhat of a high end build.

When time came, I switched the Mobo, and upgraded the RAM, I had read guides that told me how to switch without having to reinstall the OS, what I didn't realize was the OEM license does not transfer.

So I was left to using spare hardrives so I don't lose all of my data on my original.

i found a spare working drive, and formatted it, and then acquired win7 ISO's with the help of several friends guiding me, I was met with countless Blue screens, and no answers except speculation that the HD is corrupt or the RAM is bad.. At this point was already in more money than i wanted to spend.
having had to buy another CPU because my original one was an old AM2 socket.
I was ready to buy a new HD when I noticed that my bank account was in the negative..
Apparently I forgot to unsubscribe to Amazon's Prime service, and they billed me $101 on top of my pending cable bill payment, and I was left in a panic.
I managed to undo the subscription, and have my account credited, but they have a 2-4 day waiting period, and this was done over the weekend, So I am anxiously waiting on my credit.

On top of all this, I lost a very special person.
My Daddy fur, who has been stressed and over worked with his incredibly busy job, has decided "he cannot be the daddy I need" which killed me in side.
It shattered my little side.

I sat there, and in my head i can see Bobkitty's fateful back story replaying in my head, as he is dropped off at the orphanage once again, because nobody can take him.

I cannot blame him, his life is crazy busy, and he has no time for anything anymore, he's lost his drive to be a daddy figure.

It just stung.

On top of this, I blew another tire on the highway on the way to see a friend who invited me out to see a local Christmas train which is a rare sight.
I was left to limp the car around on the doughtnut spare, until I was able to beg Sila's mom to buy me a tire, because I don't get paid till Thursday.
meanwhile I'm just sitting here, watching my paycheck I haven't gotten yet, just disappear.

If there was any consolation to this whole weekend, was my friends mom got Sila and I access to Universal Studios for a few hours, where Sila finally got see Diagon alley.
For that short time I saw her smile, a smile I haven't truly seen in few years.
It made me want to cry.

But it didn't last, as I went back to work, and the drama continues, our boss has fudged our schedule, and things are hectic, and he hasn't been in to take care of things because he himself has had car troubles...

It's just one thing after another, There are a bunch of small things I haven't even bothered to mention, like my depression, and loss of interest in diapers, and Sila's mom being a total ass lately.
and our loss of Foodstamps, and ugh... just so much, I want it to end..
I feel like a piece of shit.