Today, at 12:26pm, my love and heart of 24 years, My beautiful Baby Kitty, passed away to kitty heaven. She fought long and hard, and is very very sorely missed. I don't know what I'm going to do without her. My heart aches, and I pray that she will be waiting for me, when I pass from this earth to join her.

I just don't understand the people who choose what is news worthy. I know there are high winds, which we have every year. But there was a murder in my Mobile Home Park this morning at 5:30 am, and NOT ONE WORD on any of the news channels! Channel 4 and Channel 7 did finally send news vans around 10 this morning, but I still haven't seen any postings. Our local newspaper posted that the man was stabbed, and nearly decapitated! And that's not news? Also, they don't have any suspects in custody, but the Sheriff's dept. tells us we are all safe - I don't trust them. We also don't know who it is yet, but they did tell me that it WAS one of our residents. I'm scared silly now!

Is is really so hard for a company to get things right????? I mean, they've had 3 tries so far, and still I don't have my wheelchair the way it was supposed to be - a heavy-duty, 22 inch wheelchair, with the adjustable "feet", so that I can put my leg up when needed. So now, once again, I get to call Apria, and tell them they screwed up, and are STILL not going to be paid until I have what my doctor ordered. This is becoming a major pain in my butt, as well as very stressful, because then I have to listen to my mother in law bitch about the incompetent delivery man. It's not his fault, he only delivers what's on the work order. I'm so tired of this crap. It's been over 2 months now, and I still don't have a proper, working chair! Argh!!!!!!!!! I need a hug.

I'd love to have a snow leopard tail with some Purple spots for my Faerie Snow Leopard - I think 3 1/2 feel would be awesome!

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So, I went to see the doctor on Tuesday. I didn't get my normal doctor, as she was on vacation, but I did get to see her colliege(sp). All she did was order spinal x-rays, prod my back to make me cry, AFTER making me stand which was a feat all in itself. Then she refilled my morphine, and referred me to the Pain Management Clinic. I hadn't been home for an hour when they called to set up an appointment. The wanted me to come to orientation, which lasts 3 hours, the very next day. considering the pain I'm in, and the fact that just sitting in my wheelchair is so painful, I had to tell her there was no way. So, on September 7th, from 7-10am, I get to sit and listen to their orientation. I am skeptical, as the last time I did this and physical therapy, it put me in the hospital for over a week. She did say that they have new medications, and new methods, but I'm still not sure it's going to work. I will do my best to give it an honest try, since i really hate having to lay on my sides only for days at a time, as I can't stand ANYTHING touching my back, and the pain goes down into my legs. I hope that the x-rays show that it's just the bad discs acting up, and not just the Fibromyalgia and arthritis, but, with my track record, they will show nothing. I'm back on steroids, which makes my blood sugar rise, just one of the side effects. I also get hairs where they don't belong. I just hope no new ones pop up. I'm really tired. There's got to be something I can do to lift my spirits, but I don't know what. I'm fighting to get my new wheelchair replaced, because of the Disneyland nightmare, where the first time I used my new chair, I had bolts literally flying off the wheels. I didn't think I was going to make it through the day. Then, even though I drank a lot that day, more than usual, I got Heat Exhaustion, from which I'm still trying to recover. This is why there are times when I wonder if it's all worth it. I mean, I love my family, but is it really fair to put them through all of this pain and misery, having to take care of me - not that they do. I went almost 3 full days without eating anything, and no one even bothered to ask me if I was hungry. And when they did, it was Spaghetti, which they know I can't eat, so that meant I didn't eat anything. I find it Ironic, that my husband has the gall to berate me on my eating habits, when the 2 days before he didn't even come into the bedroom to see how I was doing. The only time I saw him was when he asked me to try and win tickets on the computer, while he was at work. I can't even sit, due to the spinal pain, but he expects me to try and win him concert tickets??? WTF??? This is why I know he's back to the old ways, when I separated with him a year and a half ago. I want someone to care for me. When he's sick, I'm there for him no matter how bad I feel, but then he can't be bothered when I'm so bad I can't get up. My son Jebus is home, but he's going to have to go stay with my mom, as my brother - thank god - finally got a job. But it's in Stockton california, and my mom's house is in Riverside CA. She has severe Rheumatoid arthritis, and can't be left alone for too long, so Jebus is going to have to go stay with her, so she has a way to get to the doctor's for her monthly IV treatments, and to the store, etc... I want him to go. I just wish I could go with him. I miss her, and I don't get to see her very often. It's harder when I don't feel good, and I need someone to care about me. My mother in law said she would make sure I got my meds ontime, yadda yadda yadda. It's a joke. She'll come in and ask me Hours after I was supposed to take them. That's not how it works. I have been writing it down, but if I sleep past the time, that's when someone is supposed to wake me up to take them. It doesn't happen, so I try to sleep as little as possible to make sure I don't miss the next dose, as it's very important that they are taken on time. See why I say I'm tired, and don't know if all this is worth it? I really don't know what my future holds for me. My daughter came over now that she's back from her trip to Germany, and when she left, she didn't even say goodbye to me. That breaks my heart. I'm not even important enough for a goodbye. As it was, she had been here for 30 minutes before anyone even thought to tell me she was here. I feel like an after-thought, and the only time I'm important to anyone is when it's time to pay the rent, since I pay the majority of it. I really wish there was someway I could get out of here sometimes!
Well, enough of the self-pity. When I feel better, I hope things will be looking up. I'm even sad there's no PS for me to get away and see people who actually talk to me.

For those who don't know, my mother in law lives with us. She's not an easy person to live with, and sometimes is VERY trying. Well, we were going to get a break from her, and her 2 little spoiled yappy dogs who NEVER get any discipline, and NEVER SHUT UP!. I love animals, but she lets them do things that are really annoying, and not necessary. She thinks that if she makes them behave, then they won't love her anymore. Stupid woman. I make them behave, they look to me as the Alpha, and they love to see me. In fact, they act so nuts when I give them attention, you'd think she'd realize that they need to have discipline in their lives, just like children do.
Anyway, she was supposed to be going on a road trip in her RV, with three other people. They were paying for the entire trip, and she was supplying the RV in which they wanted to travel - It's a REALLY nice RV - we were also happy, because that meant she and the annoying dogs would be gone, and we would have a normal household for at least a month - or so we thought, since that's what she told us. She even gave me her rent check for September, as she wasn't going to be here. So, after the couple flew in from Maine, and they were all together, the 2 men wanted to stop in Commerce, at some casino, to gamble. It was supposed to be part of the trip, but a minor part. Needless to say, the 2 men lost ALL the money they had for the trip, over $4,000 in 2 days. So then, they wound up down in Oceanside, where there is a campground on the beach, which is free if you are disabled. Since one man was, they stayed there. They were there for about a week, then with no warning, Mom comes home on Wednesday. The couple from Maine flew home early - the wife was pissed, needless to say - and Mom brought the other person here, from which he left the next day for Texas, where he supposedly has a job for 1-2 years. I know better, since he's the one whose disabled. He basically bounces from place to place, living with friends. Anyway, now we have her home again, and she's not being very pleasant, as her long anticipated vacation didn't work out. It wasn't our fault, but we get to deal with the crap from it. Nice, huh? So, now I'm back to spending my days in my bedroom, which is the only place I can get away from her. I wish I could find her a place to live, but since she owns the place we live in, we can't very well throw her out. She bought this mobile home for us 10 years ago, when we were having money problems, and then I became unable to work. She was going to put the place in our name, until we found out that if she did, our space rent would almost double. Something about a grandfather clause, that we barely made it into when she bought this place. Anyway, she had to move in with us in 2008, when one of her dogs bit a lady where she was living, and she was given a 3 day notice - get rid of the dog, or move out. The poor woman had to get 17 stitches from the bite. That's NOT a nip, as she first told us. She tried to make it the other woman's fault, but since she was bitten in the back of the thigh, that was clearly not the case. Turns out the woman was just walking by, carrying her little dog in her arms, because it didn't like Mom's dogs. Go figure. I never thought I'd say this, but I so look forward to my next appointment with my doctor, because it will get me out of the house and away from them for a little while! How sad is that?
OK, enough ranting for now

So, I just had a big scare! At about 11:30 pm, while I'm in my bed, with my laptop on my lap, and my 2 kitties with me - one is 10, and the other one is 23 years old - yes, 23 Human years! - My 23 year old, whose name is Baby (She's my icon for now!), suddenly took a tumble off my bed. Now, for most cats, it's no big deal, but about a year ago, she suddenly lost the use of her back legs. after several vet visits, and the worry that she would have to be sent to kitty heaven, the Dr. declared that she had one of two things wrong - either a burst disc in her neck, or nerve damage from some unknown cause - After determining that she was in no pain, he gave her an injection of antibiotics, Cortisone, and vitamin B complex. In 6 days, she was able to stand, and by the end of 10, she was walking. Now, she's had only one relapse, and we are very careful that she stays on her Prednisone, she has been doing much better than her doctor thought. He initially gave her no more than 3-6 months left with us, and we've hit the one year mark, and celebrated another birthday with her!
Anyway, while I was getting adjusted with my laptop, she for some reason fell off the bed - I was really scared, and she was meowing at me to help her. I thought she hurt herself badly. I picked her up carefully, the way I was taught, and examined her thoroughly. Turns out she has only a small sore spot on one leg, and the bone is fine. She can stand on it, it's just uncomfortable. So, she's asleep right now, I'll be watching her through the night, and giving her an extra dose of her meds, praying that it stays the same, or gets better. I've had her since she was 6 weeks old. She's never been away from me or at least someone in our for more than a week, which was when I had to go out of state when my father died. Everyone calls her my soul mate, because she can't stand to have me leave the house, and I get the angry treatment, where she won't come to see me for at least an hour anytime I'm gone for more than a trip to the grocery store. I don't know how I'm going to manage when it's her time.
Of course, I messaged my husband to tell him what happened, and was he concerned? No, his comment when I finally told him I thought she was ok was "good, we can't afford another vet bill". How am I supposed to look to him for emotional support after a comment like that? Your thoughts and coments are welcome. I do accept constructive criticism, just please don't be mean about it? Thanks for reading!

So, why is it that most men can't cuddle with a woman without trying to turn it sexual? I tried to get my husband to cuddle with me, after having a horrific nightmare (read previous journal for details) only to be told that if I wanted to cuddle, I'd have to "put out". Well, not in those words, his words were less acceptable to putting out in public view, in my opinion. This is ALWAYS the case, no matter how bad I'm feeling physically, or when I just need emotional support. I DON'T GET IT! WHY!? Why can't I just get to snuggle up to someone who cares about me, without there having to be sex????? That's what I miss about my son growing up. He used to cuddle with me watching tv when he was a little boy, and of course, now he won't cuddle either. What's the big deal? Just because I'm mom doesn't mean I don't have bad days where I could use snuggle time too! I hate feeling like I have to keep everything bottled up, and can't show that I'm a human being who needs affection and love too, without there having to be something sexual in it, or eww - it's mom, so I can't snuggle with her anymore, cause I'm all grown up - (and no, son, I didn't mean that to be an attack, I'm just venting, cause I'm upset). Anyway, I hope someone can enlighten me on this subject, because I sure could use someone who isn't too close give me an opinion. Mainly because the ones closest to me don't give opinions, or when they do (read husband), they are usually selfish and hurtful to me. Why can't I just get what I need for a change, instead of always having to be what someone else wants or needs??????

So, it's just before 7am. I woke up from on of the most realisitic and terrifying dreams I've ever had, and can't seem to shake it! Maybe if I write about it, it'll go away, or maybe my friends can help sooth my fears. Anyway, in my dream, my daughter Katy, who is really leaving for a month-long job related trip to Germany, has left on her plane trip. Everything was good for a week, until I get a knock on my door. There are some official looking guys there in black suits, one in military dress uniform from the Air Force, and a chaplain. They come into the house, and proceed to tell me that my Katy was dead. They said that there was some kind of incident, they wouldn't go into details - Classified, you know - but that she was dead, and they needed me to come to Germany to give a positive ID on the body. She was there with friends, but they said they needed a family member. Oh also for some reason, I was home alone. They said I had to leave right away, I didn't have time to grab anything, other than my purse. I told them I didn't have a passport. They said that was already taken care of, except for a picture, which they would do on the base. I felt like I was in a dream, really numb. Then we get to the base, take my picture, hustle me onto a plane, and off we went. I was worried that I didn't have time to grab my medications, but they had everything I needed on the plane. It was surreal. It was like they knew everything that I liked, and had it there for me, even down to comfort food, my favorite kind of blanket, so I could sleep - yeah right!. So after many hours of flying, with me yelling, then crying, then just sitting huddled in my chair, since they would tell me nothing - we arrive at a military airbase. I am loaded into a car, and then driven for another 3 hours, to some place, where they tell me Katy is. At least they didn't say her body. Anyway, we get there, and I finally see my baby girl. She's dead, and they said that she was murdered by some psycho military dude, who was now in custody, but that's all they would tell me. They said they would pay for everything, the burial, getting her home, and a settlement - I read hush money to keep it quiet - and that I would never have to worry about anything, how sorry they were, would I please sign these papers. All while I stand there over my dead daughter's body. Then I woke up. My chest still hurts, and I want to cry. Now, keep in mind that my daughter has NOTHING to do with the military at all. She is an employee for a computer gaming company called Carbine Studios, and has never been in the military. I don't understand the dream, I just know that I have the overwhelming need to call her. But the last time I did that, she told me I was being stupid, she was fine, and it was just a dream. My brain knows this, but my heart doesn't seem to understand that she's fine, and I keep catching myself mourning for her. I don't get it! I and just want it to go away! I need someone to hug me and tell me it's ok, but there's no one to do it. Everyone I live with tell me it's stupid to get this upset over a stupid dream, so I'm not even telling them this time. I'm hoping that by doing this, it will help me to get it out of my mind, and I will be able to put it behind me. Oh, and my daughter leaves for Germany next week, which makes it even harder to put behind me. I know she won't be alone, but I'm still worried. How do I stop worrying, and let things go? I can't seem to do this, and I've never been this bad before. Someone please tell me what to do, and that she'll be fine!?

So, today's been not so good. Turns out that my meds didn't get picked up today - as I posted before, my doctor has me on extended release morphine for my back pain, so I'm basically winging it until tomorrow. I knew I should have made someone go myself, but I was trusting the one who said he'd go get it after work, only to find out that he passed it along to someone else, who said he MIGHT be able to pick them up. And that didn't happen, so now I'm on just Norco for at least 12 hours. Whee! On the plus side, though, the morphine seems to be working on the pain control, except that I sleep a lot, but that should go away some, as my body adjusts to the medication. I'm just hoping it stays that way, so I can be out and about without the problems that i've had in the past~!

Well, another day goes by, and still I'm having trouble with missing my kitty Max, who passed away in May. I'm trying to adjust, and have some good days, but this isn't one of them. I get so attached to my little loves, that it takes me a very long time to get over it. I still miss our other lost kitty, Bo, who passed away from a cancerous tumor in his lungs in 2005. I'm really going to be a mess when my kitty Baby passes away. I've had her for 23 years, and so far, she's been a tough little girl. Everyone thinks she tries so hard to stay with me, because she's my soul mate. I know she's not in pain, so she's not suffering, and she's happy, but it's hard not having her cuddle with me at night, or jump on me in the morning to say "Get up and feed me!" Now, she sits next to the bed and meows when she's hungry during the night - sometimes every 2 hours - but she can't get up on the bed, and steps won't help, because she'd lose her balance and fall, and maybe get hurt. So I only get to have her with me on the bed when I'm awake. I do have our new kitty Zelda, but she's an independent kitty, and will only snuggle when she wants to, so it's not really the same. Baby used to spend literally hours on my lap every day. I hate being depressed!