I was trying to avoid asking. I have not done good by the people I owe art, this past year and change has been a nightmare, and I've done my best to tough through. A massive art block interwoven with depression and hardships that have left my work at a near stand-still. I need help desperately. I have bills to pay, and with the only job I could find still cutting my hours for months, I am still in a negative cash flow and my card is counting up. I can't in good faith take more commissions until I finish what I owe, some of which are over a year old at this point. It's taking everything I have just to get up most mornings, I'm always exhausted. Now following my application to increase my disability benefits from the military, they're proposing to decrease it instead. "We know you asked for an increase because things have gotten worse, but we think things have gotten better, so we're going to decrease your support" What moron has that kind of logic?

I need help... I hate having to approach the fandom as a begging charity case. I've been doing everything I can to avoid it, to make things right, get past all my issues to complete work I owe... It's too much pressure from all sides... I find that most days I end up reflexively avoiding everything, which means less gets done, and I just feel worse after not feeling at all for a little while. I don't know what other help can be offered, and I wish I did, but please... if anyone can send some help, thank you.

https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/God.....locale.x=en_US

I don't understand, and it's killing me. All I've done, is try to be a good person, be a friend to everyone I can. Yet somehow I fuck it up and I don't even know how, or when.. I am always finding some new person who has blocked me, some of which I've never even spoken to as far as I can remember.. other people I've gotten along with, had nice conversations... but then poof. blocked. IRL at furry cons I find that there are all sorts of stories about me that I'm some sort of POS, and I hate myself so much I can't help but assume these stories are true, especially when it's coming from some of the few friends I still have and trust.. but it explains why even they have kept me art arm's length, and I don't even remember these situations I've supposedly been in and caused problems. I don't recall any situation in which I've even interacted with someone that may have lead to a block. Yet it keeps happening... I'm trying, I'm really trying... but how can I fix what I don't even know? Am I even in the wrong?

Today was supposed to be a somewhat positive day... I finished what might be my best picture I've ever drawn... and I couldn't even enjoy that feeling for 30 minutes before boom. I find an artist I follow but never spoken to has blocked me on Twitter. then I go to compliment another artist I've commissioned before on their recent animation, only to find they blocked me too. I'm desperate to at least know what it is I did wrong, It's why I hate the block system, what might just be a misunderstanding is suddenly set in stone with no chances for anyone to talk, work things out, or correct a wrong behavior... I've always grown up under the mantra that words mean nothing unless you act on them, and here I am, not being allowed to act on my words... I want to fix things, I want to do right by people... but I can't do that when people preemptively shut and lock the door on me without my even knowing...

So all that's left... Is I already hate myself... and all I see is more evidence that, despite my best efforts, I deserve this hate... and I don't deserve to be given a chance to fix any of it. I even tie all this to why despite being around for a decade and a half, I am still unpopular as an artist... and time and time again I see other artists pop up, and blow past me in progress... maybe people don't follow me because they hear these stories, true or not, and just block or ignore me.

All I am left to ask is what is based on the only information I have: What is wrong with me?

I feel it necessary to make a journal about this. Please note, I am not looking to cause drama, I am not looking to witch hunt, or whatever you want to call it. I am merely making a note here for the record, because I do not want people accusing me, or even accusing  sixthleafclover of any sort of foul play or malicious intent such as art or idea theft. In my experience, people on this site seem very gung-ho about that sort of thing.

That being said, back on Dec 13, 2019, I commented on a twitter post by Sixthleafclover, and in it, I mentioned my sulfur crested cockatoo vocalist character Kadence, a character I have drawn quite a few times long before then, and have been developing for quite some time for one of my comics. Now, here in April, Sixthleafclover has created a sulfur crested cockatoo vocalist named Aya. and they posted a gorgeous illustration of her singing on their twitter as well as here. And they are already marketing the image, as that is Sixthleafclover's modus operandi, their record of posts shows that they make an income heavily selling their illustrations through merchandise, and the occasional commission. It is my belief, that Sixthleafclover was inspired by my introduction of Kadence to create Aya, likely not remembering where they even got the idea for the character. The timing is too perfect, and Aya is almost identical to Kadence in her character design, and pretty close in appearance, though Aya resembles a feral more while Kadence is clearly more Anthro. Had they made and posted many images between my message, and Aya's creation, I would have thought differently, but that is not the case.
That being said, My intent here, is to simply have this on record, as to have a time-stamped post regarding this matter. A preemptive defense against anyone who may throw shade or accusations against either Sixthleaf or I. At this time I have not received a response from Sixth after I reached out to them.