I'm excited, but kinda bummed out, i havent had energy or inspiration to many any new costumes and i dont even know for sure if i'm going to wear anything, which is such a shame, i used to love going to conventions and having new costumes done, now i'm just too damn worried of how to survive during regular weeks that I cant spend money for tools or materials anymore. It's impossible to find work at the moment so i could have more money to spend for hobbies.

Oh well, maybe i can find some nice art from there or some fun figures, I would love to find plushies, but those are usually way over my budget, but last time we did find Optimus bodypillow case, so there could be some hidden gems~
I havent really seen many Transformers cosplayers either, but would love to see atleast some.

Little heads up for the coming artfight, i might not be as actively working for it this year for the incident that just occured.

In short version: my beloved cat Theo had to be let go to cross the rainbow bridge yesterday evening.
There will be rant and can be heavy to read, but I need to get this out somewhere.

In long version:
Theo was 15yo tuxedo boy, he was loving, social, curious, playful and such a sweetheart. He was adopted around 1yo from a family who couldnt keep him and I found him from online site. He wasnt very far away and I told my mom that I found a super cute little kitty who needed home. We had to change his name as we already had a dog with same name as Theo's original name, so I renamed him Theodore, but called him Theo. He learned his new name quickly and behaved like a little puppy, he loved to fetch paper balls and bring them back.
He also loved feathers, he was crazy of feathered toys and played with them hours until he either got hungry or tired. He was little mischievous, mainly hiding somewhere or appearing out nowhere, but he never caused trouble. I taught him how to be in harness, which barely even had to be taught, he didnt mind it at all and was overjoyed when we got outside to do little walks and play with hay stalks. He loved to explore and sometimes was a little stubborn when told no, but there still was something so interesting that he wanted to find out, but just a little turn around usually did the trick. He was smart and learned to come over when his name was called and for some reason, he always had to be sitting on toilet seat, watching when i was taking a shower, he wanted to make sure i wasnt drowning, i guess? He didnt really like getting wet so toilet seat was perfect viewing point and to stay dry. I'm diagnosed with reoccuring depression, which means that I get better during summer times, with more optimistic view of life and my future situation, but my state starts to go down as we get closed to end of the year. Theo did notice this and during summer he usually slep on his own, but once the falls and winter came over he started to sleep next to me or at the footend, stil close by, which helped me alot to deal with my life, since I could always think that even if it seems bad, atleast Theo is there, I had to stay strong for Theo and keep going forward. I cant thank him enough for all the support he gave to me and I beat myself for not being able to repay that to him and support him when he needed me the most.

He never grew to be very big cat, it was like he was forever baby, his fur was incredibly soft and he was such a purring engine. Everytime you came to the room, Theo would be there to give a little "kurr" and vibrate his tail as being overjoyed to have you there. He was never really very silent, tho he didnt meow, but you could always hear his paws on the floor, tapping gently, or fast if he was in hurry. He did live with 2 other cats and a dog before, but he was the youngest and last survivor of them. We did lose another cat earlier this year, but he was already 19yo and he had developed somekind of mass in his throat, so he had to be let go over a month ago.
Theo was probably little confused and missing the lost friends, but he didnt show any depression signs as he was enjoying the social interaction with people as much as he did with other animals, so i'm hoping that did help him atleast a little to deal with the loneliness.

I had to leave Theo with my moms place after I moved to another appartment that didnt allow roaming pets and I will forever blame myself for not being firm enough with mom about taking him back, after I spoke with my landlady that if I could take him here and they agreed, but Theo had lived quite a few year already at moms place with all the other pets that I agreed that Theo could stay there until he was the last one alive, then I would take him back as I would be able to provide him much more social interaction and give him peaceful resting when he wanted to sleep.
My sister has 5 kids, which tend to visit my moms place quite often, as well we did usually visit our grandma's place often too so it's understandable, but the kids were so loud and there wasnt really many places to hide for complete peace.

Last month when our other cat was lost, I did ask mom if i could take Theo back now and she did agree, but her husband(not my dad) said that they wouldnt be able to accustom to the life without a cat, so I agreed that he could stay there until i could get my appartment in order for a cat.
Last week was midsummer for Finland and sadly I couldnt attent the party at my moms place as I still had one week left of rehabilitational workshop to attend, trying to learn the customs of normal work week, but now i just blame myself for not going as I assume that was the starting point of everything going down.

Mom sent a group message to me and my sisters on thursday 26.6.2025 that Theo was ill, that he had not been eating or drinking for atleast 3 days and I was immediately getting alarm bells ringing that this is emergency, so i messaged to my girlfriend that we have to go, right now and she got us bus tickets and we were on our way. It's about 1h 30min drive from where i live to my moms place and it was the longest damn ride i've ever had to endure.
Once we got to her place, I dropped my bag and searched for Theo, who was just laying on the floor under a chair, I could tell far away that he was in really bad shape and needed vet immediately, but mom had booked appointment for the next day at noon. I was wondering like why the hell was it so late, but figured maybe there just wasnt enough appointments earlier, tho the situation was dire and should have taken seriously. I couldnt sleep the whole night, I was just watching over Theo, making sure that he was still breathing. I did manage to get him to drink a little, but then he started to drink alot, which was very concerning and I was fearing that maybe it was his kidneys shutting down, or his liver was giving up. I did check his gums which by then looked still pink, but his feet were cold. I was in panic fearing that it was his heart or bloodclot issue, but by then it was already night and there were no vets available nearby that would be open until 8am. So all i could do was to help him drink and try to get him to eat something, I did manage to get him to lick down this mousse like liquid snack for cats, which gave me hope that if he can keep it down, maybe there still his a chance once we just get him to a vet.

He was slowly turning worse, by the hour and while i was petting him, my moms husband came to me and said "I assume you'll be digging his grave to the back yard then?" Which struck me super odd and i did say "Yeah, if the situation is going to end that way." It started to hit me that I was not told in time because they had already given up on him and were just waiting for him to die and the vet they booked were only to put him down, not even trying to get him better. Once mom came back from taking her husband to work, I told her that we need to take Theo to emergency vet NOW, nearest one that had 24/7 open being at the city i live in. Which would mean that Theo would have to hang on the whole car ride that worried me, since Theo didnt like being in closed spaces and had to be in carrier, but he couldnt be kept free in the car either. By then mom was just petting Theo and then she told me that she didnt have money for emergency vet. Which only gave me more proof that they indeed never intended to try to help him, but let him suffer for 3 days before even telling me. I told her that my girlfriend has agreed to pay all the medical bills and i tried to hurry so we could maybe still have a chance.

I placed him gently to the carrier, closed it, took my bags and my girlfriend followed the hint and grabbed her bags as well. We got in the car and started heading to the emergency vet FINALLY. The car ride was horrible, in the mid way Theo started to get scared and anxious of the small space, so i opened the bag a little to give him more room, but keep him still in the bag. It didnt take long after that he crawled out the bag on to my lap and layed down, i did keep his head little higher so he could see out the window and calm down, which he did, but his breathing was becoming worse and i prayed that we will make it, i pleaded him not to give up.

We finally made it to the vet, he was still breathing and we did emergency check in and got in about 5minutes after arriving. The vet immediately looked him and I could tell from her face that the situation was as bad as it could be. The vet listened his lungs and heart, and told us that she could hear lots of crackling from his lungs, so i feared that he had severe case of pneumonia, the vet asked if we should do tests or not, which my girlfriend immediately answered to do tests and give him intensive care. The vet took Theo to the back room and we waited long time to hear any results. All i could think of was that if we just had heard about him being sick sooner, we would have come immediately to take care of him, I could have just called the workshop place to let them know i had emergency situation and wouldnt be back for the end of the week, which I'm sure they would have understood completely.

The vet came in with the bloodtest results and told that they had taken xrays and that Theo had severe blockage in the gallbladder, which had caused bad infection. But also they had noticed some mass in his lungs and told that it could be cancerous, but couldnt tell for sure. Then she explained the bloodwork results and gave us estimate of how much it would cost to try to treat him, which was over 2000€ for the over weekend stay and 1000€ after, I broked down by then because i havent had a job for over 10years, I've never even owned that much money and it was just too intense for me to think staright. I wanted to treat him, but at same time I was worried that it would all be for nothing and it would cost a fortune. My girldfriend took the situation and asked the vet if they believed that Theo would have any possible chance to make it, which the vet answered that the situation looks poor, but there could be a chance. My girlfriend then said to do the treatments and that she would take care of everything from the financial side. The vet took the carrier and we left Theo to the intensive care and went home waiting a phonecall, which the vet had told us to wait for or if there is no time to call, we could call them back in the evening.

We we're exhausted, my girlfriend was pissed, after i had told her about what moms husband had said to me in the morning about the grave and about whole them basically compeltely giving up on Theo from the beginning instead of giving him even a fighting chance. My girlfriend the chose to take a bus to my place since she just couldnt deal with being in the same car with my mom at the moment. I completely understood it, tho I did take the car ride with mom, but I couldnt say anything, I was focusing all my mental and spiritual energy for Theo. I dont want to blame my mom, but if she just had told us immediately when there were signs, Theo would never had to suffer the 3 long days and the vet might have been able to get him still to respond positively to the treatment to atleast fix the infection, which after we could have dealt with the possible cancer. But i do also blame myself for not being there at midsummer, so i could have kept eye on him, as i learned after that there had been ant traps left around the yard, which of Theo might have been checking out, if nobody was paying attention on what he was doing.

Me and my girlfriend were exhausted from being awake over night and crying and all we could wait was the phone call. Once my panic and stress started to defuse, my body went to hell, I got severe headache, which made me nauseous and i did throw up few times, in while i was in bathroom floor, my moms work friend called me telling me how it was "unfair to keep old cat alive." Which I was able to even deal with so i just didnt care and answered just "Yeah yeah, well, we'll just see what the vet is going to say." Immediately I assumed my mom had called her friend after my girlfriend had gotten little too verbally honest with her and tried to have her friend to talk me over to give up on Theo as well as they had. But I was not having any of that, Theo fought the whole night, he fought the whole car ride to get to the vet. If he had given up on life, he wouldnt have survived this long, so I wasnt giving up on him until the situation was in that point.
Once the headache started to relief i managed to nap couple hours, in the hope that atleast the vet had not called immediately and as long as the vet is not calling Theo is still alive, fighting for his life, not giving up.
Around 7-8pm we got the vet call and Theo was not responding to the treatment and the liver and kidneys situation was deteriorating. We knew then that Theo was not going to make it, the situation was just too severe for him to make it anymore, so we decided it was best to let him go. We asked them to wait until we got there and spend the last moment with him making sure that he knew i was there with him and he was not alone.
He left to the spirit world at 8.46pm 27.6.2025.

We were asked if we wanted to cremate him or if we wanted his body and bury him ourselves. We chose to get him cremated so I could choose where to let him to rest, since i didnt plan to stay in this city the rest of my life and i didnt want to leave him here while i moved away.
We got pamphlet of the urns and chose black urn with sleeping cat on top, so i could decorate it later myself. Now i'm only trying to decide if i should bury him at a place where me and my girlfriend are going to settle in the future, or if i want him to be buried with me in the future when my time comes. I think I will be keeping him with me until then.

I will miss my boy and i dont think i will ever recover from this completely, he left far too soon and much too suddenly. 💔

I wish all of you who have pets, that you will give them a treat for Theo's honor.

Hello visitor!, little warning this will be long page.

I figured to move some info to a journal page, from the front page. Not sure if this will be good idea of mistake, but the clutter in the profile page was annoying me ;w;

I'm going to lift the veil a little about the person behind the profile, hopefully connecting with some new friends. I'm introvert and i get very anxious, worried and afraid of new persons, but wiht little time and somewhat daily chatting I usually relax and start trusting. I'm super shy vocally, but i dont mind writing.

About me:
I am autistic transmale with recurring depression and quite a bit of emotional trauma. I'm european and english is not my national language, so there might be grammatical errors. I am irl taken by "knockout" who is not part of this site, but we have discussed that it is fine for me to look for some friends to chat with, even if it would get a little kinky, since she is not really into anything I like, except Transformers. Which is why my main ship is KnockOutxNemesisPrime(KOxNP).
I love reptiles and i have pet cornsnake called Lilo. I also have a cat, which is taken care of my mom since the appartment didnt allow having pets, with "caged" ones being exception.
I would love to chat with some new people who would have similar preferences as myself, not expecting to find 100% copy of my preferences ofcourse, everyone is individual.
I also have dyslexia, so it might pop up with long texts with miswritten words.
I also dont mind listening some hardtimes and giving advice if asked, I often see myself as Optimus Prime software in Nemesis Prime hardware. I try to be helpful and kind, but it's very difficult to see where the personal lines go, so i might step over the boundries, but i will respect the lines once it's visible to me, so dont be afraid to tell me if i'm going too far.

I would love to get into some RP shenanigans(doesnt have to be fully about Transformers either) and probably get some art out of some situations as well.
I love to draw, but i do get artist blocks quite often since it's easier for me to draw if i have someone else waiting to see it, I like to draw to others. It makes me happy to hear when others see the art piece i've made and it helps alot to counter my depression.

This is just me and it's ok for you to like what i might not be into, but you wont be finding art of things i dont really have preference here, unless it's a request or a gift.

Here is my preference list in nutshell.
My likes:
- Sneezing
- Soft vore
- Tickles
- Bondage
- Visible belly bulges, but not in super hyper levels, but debetable...
- Transformers
- Dragons
- Reptiles in general

I'm ok with:
- Fatal vore
- Gore
- Nudity

I'm not really into:
- Human characters(except one or two specific ones)
- Senseless cruelty