Family relative offered me help get some training in machinery I need to get better jobs. At first I was hesitant but later decided to go with it since nobody in this town will offer training. People here are pretty much fine with old farts taking all the jobs that we people cannot get or some supervisors can give more opportunities to those they know well, in other words, favoritism. Not gonna talk so much about it, but I am going to say is I really hate my hometown. Even before the inflation this city barely improves. Sure, it is growing some new businesses and whatnot but will it give us new opportunities? Hardly. Can't find any jobs where they can offer me training to use machinery, they are pretty much fine with having old people working with them while most young people like us work in restaurants or spend a fortune getting a CDL.
But if they do need to find new people to work with any machines, they don't want to train they want to fine full experience employees. Where the fuck am I gonna get some skills if nobody are willing to train? :/

How long am I going to be away from here? No idea, Likely for a few months. I don't know, to be honest. I'm debating if I should go stay there or stay in a few months and come back here to find other jobs, or just save up as much as possible so I can go back to my hometown to pack everything and leave for good. This town stresses me the fuck out I need a huge mental break.

I said I will open early weekend but my mind went off to other things, and got busy with other stuffs...
But I decided to open for commissions but only three slots since I have 2 working on. So, I'm ready! Let's go!
Here's the price sheet: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/34349608/

1. ---
2. ---
3. ---

WILL DRAW:

1. F/F
2. M/F
3. M/M
4. SFW and NSFW

WILL NOT DRAW

1. Cub/underage
2. Any odd and bizarre fetishes, even gross ones

I have two commissions that I will work on, and I will be planning to accept more starting this Friday when I can. Might accept 3 more.
Here is the price list sheet https://www.furaffinity.net/view/34349608/
Here are the rules about the commissions:

WILL DRAW:

1. F/F
2. M/F
3. M/M
4. SFW and NSFW

WILL NOT DRAW

1. Cub/underage
2. Any odd and bizarre fetishes, even gross ones


Also please keep in mind that I have work and stuffs I I do on a daily basis so getting to draw while I'm dealing with rough life moments will be difficult and take long.
I'm sorry, but when I get a commission I will try my best to get them down ASAP.
But for now commissions are CLOSED.

And I feel old now
There goes my age of 20s, now entering to the next decade where I'm sure my body will be like "nah I'm tired, I'm gonna be stinky" and I'll go "aaaaaaaaaaaaaa"
Honestly I don't know what to feel lol
Was expecting beginning of this year to be calm and chill but instead I got hit with anxiety and acid reflux. And the fact I'm 30, I don't know what to do about it
Oh well, just gonna work and chill. Maybe I'll do something this weekend if I can. I'll post an update about the commissions tomorrow

This year just keeps getting better and better...
Made a payment on my credit account only to have it completely taken away for interest fee, leaving me nothing. Great, thanks Discover for charging me so much at a very wrong time.
I may have to consider opening commissions even though I kinda don't want to.. Why? Well, I'm terrible at handling them. When someone wants me to draw them something I take FOREVER to do it. I get really busy with other stuffs, too stressed or tired to work on them or I end up doing something else that I forget about my commission. I'm that crap on handling them... And it makes me uncomfortable accepting them knowing that I won't do them in time. I do not like keeping people waiting as that stresses me out, but life always gets in the way and this time it won't give me a break. But if I must than I shall try.
I'm sorry, just kinda stressed about all this, I was stressing so much when I saw the balance and how much they charged me - I had enough crap from my bank now this. I hate this year already...

I can't believe it's May 1st, and my birthday is 10 days away...
Honestly, after all the ridiculous shit I had to go through since the beginning of this year I don't know what to feel or expect on my birthday. Good news is I'm feeling better than ever, but there are still things I'm still trying to deal with and that is sleeping. While I may have been getting some good amount of sleep, there are moments where I have trouble getting some good rest. How? Well, I think I said this before but as soon as my body and my breathing relaxes, I somehow stop breathing thus waking me up and/or feel a small jolt of pain on my chest that suddenly wakes me up. Is it stress or something? I don't know, but I do know it's not a serious health issue because the doctor checked my heart, blood pressure and blood itself and they all came out good. I spoke with them about what I'm dealing with and they wanted to prescribe me with anxiety medication or antidepressant medication (this was a couple months ago), I refused of course so they recommended me counseling. Fuck the bastards for not accepting my insurance, had to cancel the appointment just to wait another month for the other and other just for the same thing because I'm dealing with money troubles. In the end, I told them to don't bother since they do not want to accept my insurance and decided to deal this myself. As for my birthday, I don't know what to do. Likely I won't be able to do anything since money is still a huge problem and it is still a major stress for me.
But in good news, I'm getting better. Slowly getting back to things that I do such as gaming, doing Gunpla work and hopefully soon get back to drawing. Though will have to do some warmup sketches to get myself back in the game and draw some lewds and whatnut

I'm beginning to feel better and have been getting decent sleep, which improvement of my health... It felt great. But there are times when I am stressed, I have trouble sleeping. My mind will go around, refusing to let me sleep and my body won't relax despite if I'm tired or not. But it's improving, just gotta focus on taking care of myself not to get stressed so much... My counseling from February 24 had to be moved to this month because I was having money problems that I couldn't afford to pay for the sessions... (My insurance can't cover it) But hopefully I can get this one. My mind goes in the south direction sometimes despite me trying to think positive, but when I'm busy with work, watching TV or gaming my mind focuses on all those until later. Sometimes I have a weird feeling on my throat, like a lump - the feeling you get when you feel like you wanna cry? Yeah, I sometimes get that, even though I'm calm and in a good mood. Feeling like I want to cry? Ummmm...not really? it's been awhile really...

Long story short: I'm starting to feel better, stress and anxiety are becoming less and less of a problem but they are still there.

As for my life itself, I'm still hanging around... Just not drawing anything whcih I need to focus on my health first before I can go back doing that. Just sucks that you want to do something you enjoy yet your mind is like "Nah, let me make you feel depressed and give you sour thoughts lmao" Not fun....... Also, I finally got another job. I've been thinking hard about it even to the point of stressing out a little, but I made my decision to find another work. I finally accepted that working in the restaurants is really stressful for me to handle and it's time to try something different for once in my life. And since I pushed myself so hard with my now former-job, even stressed and getting angry at whatever happened, maybe that's why I was feeling so terrible... So, my new job is packing fruits in boxes or bags, hoping they will train me to operate a forklift because those look cool. They pay really good and no customers will be involved lol.

But that's it for the update, I'm feeling better but still working on it. Hoping for more improvements and whatever I can do to help me. Hopefully I'll get back to drawing soon.
That is all, take care...

Another doctor visit, blood pressure and heart are good .. well ..that's good news, but doesn't answer the question why I couldn't sleep the way I used to. Hell, last night I couldn't sleep at all until 4 in the morning again... Not gonna lie, I cried out of anger. So I finally explained all that to my doctor, he suggested me to take counseling or antidepressants. I picked counseling, I honestly can't trust antidepressants like antianxiety medication I had.. my next appointment with him is next week for blood work...
Honestly, I'm kinda afraid of sleeping... I'm afraid that if I do fall asleep whatever is in my mind or chest will jolt me up and keep me awake until 4 in the morning again. And annoyingly I wake up at 7 or 8 in the morning which that's little... Usually when I sleep that late I wake up around 10 or 11, not so early and I can't go back to sleep...
This sucks... Part of me is thinking maybe using my phone a lot is not good for me. Maybe that fuels my anxiety? My depression or stress? Videos and news about war and politics showing up out of the blue when I just wanna search for funny videos or music to listen to? I don't know...
I'm trying not to think too much but it's getting harder...

Is living on my own a very bad idea? Like...living alone is bad for my mental health? I don't even know

But we are still in January - the last day of the month, technically. But honestly, it's too soon to cry "2023 FUCKING SUCKS!!!!", I already had that mentality with 2022. But despite me saying I'm already starting to hate 2023 is because of what I'm going through. Pulled chest muscles making my chest twitch and spasms making it difficult to sleep, even for napping which made me sleep deprived. Plus I guess lack of sleep and chest pain gave me depression, with medication that made it worse all around me. I was also prescribed with medication for my anxiety but honestly fuck that. Took it once and it made me extremely sleepy, plus I don't want to be taking it every day - I'd rather handle this myself with whatever I can. For more context of what's been going on with me go here and have a read. https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10455994

Now I got some good news and bad news...

Good news: My chest seems to be hurting less and less and I'm finally getting some decent sleep, taking hot showers before bed seems to help my muscles relax so I can sleep without any BS... until I wake up feeling my chest acting like a little bitch. My depression seems to be going down along with anxiety and stress, but they are still despite how I'm trying to ease my mind down, it makes napping a bit difficult...
I can eat more food more, finally.... When this shit started, I couldn't eat anything no matter how hungry I was. At work or something I grab a food or meal, my brain just tells me no, instead I end up eating a single fry and a chicken bite. Now I can eat a burger, pizza, spaghetti, salad, etc. Thank God.......


Bad news: Hot showers only help me sleep better, but taking naps during the day is a pain in the ass. As soon as my body and breathing starts to relax, whatever's in my chest jolts me awake. I don't know if my muscle spasms still wants to be a bitch or it's my anxiety is still there haunting me. Doctor's appointment is on February 2 so let's see what happens. If I am going to be prescribed with antidepressants and more anti anxiety meds, I swear to God..........
Stress is still hanging despite trying to take it easy at work and at home, and visiting my mom for a bit - when I wake up I still feel like shit but not too bad so far. I even considered taking a week off from work once I get my income tax return, but guess what... I WON'T BE GETTING ANY, instead I owe $58 in tax... That is rather small and don't have to worry about, but this is the first time in my life that I will be receiving nothing and I have to pay. Not to mention, I was hoping and even planning for my vacation but guess I won't be getting that and deal with more stress.... I can still get a week off but that's going to give me a small paycheck and I have a lot of shit to pay, not just rent. Napping is still a pain in the ass... soon as my body relaxes something in my chest jolted me awake... Don't know if it's muscle spasms or anxiety still beating me..... Taking hot showers helps me sleep, but for whatever reason I always wake up either 6 or 7 feeling nothing or chest being an ass. Heck, I could go to bed at 3 in the morning and I wake up at 6 or 7.

EDIT: I forgot to say this in the bad news. Apparently my previous doctor said I have a moderate anxiety disorder. I get mad when things don't go the way I planned or hoped for, mostly at work. And if things go out of hand I get really agitated. I need to chill the fuck out at work....

I can't believe all this shit started because I exercised so much lol
I went too far in the gym, because I wanted to lose some pounds
And this is my punishment, okay then lol
Le'ts hope what the doctor says, my previous doctor said my blood pressure is normal and my heart is functioning fine. So what the heck lol... Only thing that needs to be checked is my blood so I'll ask if they could do that. Gotta make sure I'm OK with that one and nowhere near at risk of getting diabetes or whatever since that runs in the family.

Well that's it for the update. Don't know what else to put here - I'm feeling a little bit better but still dealing with annoying shit in my body and my life but oh well, it'll pass I hope.

I've been told by a friend of mine that there is an art Thief around and wants me to spread around.
Here is the info
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/50778342/

Guess I've worked out too much last week because last Tuesday morning I exercised too much. All is well throughout the day until bed time, my chest started acting weird. How weird? Like your chest is twitching and tickling, having a mind of its own if you put it that way lol. Stayed up almost all night trying to deal with it until around 4 in the morning. Woke up at 9, slept just a little but felt nothing on my chest anymore so I quickly moved on. Grabbed a coffee and a sandwich because it was already 11 when I got out of the shower, then decided to head out to Walmart. That feeling came back but this time it got crazier to the point that it was too unsafe for me to drive so I drove back home and decided to walk around for a bit. Goddamn I walked almost the entire day until around 6 PM..... The feeling fianlly went away but later on it came back but not too bad anymore. Fearing that I might no be able to sleep again I bought some sleeping tea to help me get some sleep. Sort of helped... Tried to sleep around 10, fell asleep at 12 then woke up at 6. Tried sleeping again then back up at 8 when I started getting ready for work. Working with this funny ticklish feeling made me very uncomfortable that I had to talk to my boss of what is going on. He did say I may have stretched my muscles too much that it's trying to heal, but noticed I'm stressing out. He recommended me to go see a doctor just to be sure. So after work I went to the doctor to get myself checked. My blood pressure is fine, hasn't been going out of whack like too high or low but I explained everything to her and she said the same thing. Too much workout and my stretching my arms and chest made the muscles stretched and trying to adjust. My body is not used to this hard workout I've been doing so she said I should take it easy and let it heal. For how long I have no idea...I forgot to ask... But she prescribed me with ibuprofen 600mg and I should get it at a pharmacy the next morning. Got the meds, been taking it as followed, it sort of helped but the funny feeling kinda hanging around. And for some reason I'm getting some depressive moods that comes and goes, haven't eaten anything back then but then I'm starting to eat again which is good. But for some reason whenever we get a rush at work and I help, I get the urge of wanting to cry...twice. First time I sort of cried and had to go back of the kitchen to chill, next time I had trouble holding it that when I got home I immediately let it all out and cried for a couple of minutes then I calmed down. I don't know what happened or why that happened, I'm thinking it's either stress, anxiety or depression. I've been getting stressed and angry at work recently because some coworkers leaving without restocking some stuffs to leave me more work the next day. I guess all that stress and anger built up inside me that I couldn't hold it any longer.. Or this sore chest muscles is driving me crazy, or maybe it's both... I don't know but we'll see what happens when I go to work soon. If I cry again at work then that means I'm really, really stressed or something. Right now I'm feeling okay, some moments I laugh at stuffs and sometimes I feel sad. I don't know. What a way to start 2023...

Thank God 2022 went by kinda quick, it's a fucking shit year of my life and to everyone around the world.
I do not want to go in full detail about it, but I hate it so damn much that I'm glad it's finally over. But I want to say Happy New Year everyone! Welcome to the year 2023! Hopefully this year will go very well for all of us this time. I hope...
What are you plans or goals for this year, guys?

Also don't forget to follow me on Twitter for WIPs and such https://twitter.com/BShark06
And come to my Discord server https://discord.gg/tZ2YmXW2Hc

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to everyone, hope today goes very well to you all!
Just got back from a family visit, going to resume some few Christmas art then call it before heading back to work tomorrow

Apparently FA has made a huge update around here. Now we can create our own banner and post it on our profile pages? That's pretty cool, might give it a shot. As for everything else, looks slightly off for me but it's not too much to complain about.

Another update is I'm beginning to use my Twitter again (GASP!!!). I kinda find it funny that I started posting some stuffs there when Musky Boi spreading his Musk all around. The updates, news and this $8 whatchamacallit I really don't give a crap about, I'm just gonna use it to post my artwork, WIPs and maybe some updates if you guys wanna follow me there. Don't forget I have a Discord server as well, could use some more people to keep the place going. Over there I will be posting artwork, WIPs and updates as well if you're not a fan of Twitter. Ever since I moved in on an apartment my own I'm beginning to have my own air, privacy and freedom to do whatever I want without all the family drama, but still got some personal problems to deal with but at least I'm getting more and more time to draw stuffs.

Twitter: https://twitter.com/BShark06

Discord sever: https://discord.gg/TdrSkNuBz3

Despite price increase almost everywhere because 2022 bad, there are actually a few apartments that has the same rent and deposit cost for years with no hidden bullshit. So something rare and good happened.
So I'm moving out of here to an apartment I signed up for.
I'm going to expect more and more drama from my parents soon :)
So I'll be silent for awhile in Discord

I didn't make an update about how I'm feeling since I got covid positive but I wanna say I'm doing alright. On Tuesday I tested myself once again if I still have Covid or not, I was feeling better. My coughing fit has gotten so very rare and my nose has stopped being a leaky faucet, but I was under bit of a stress and nearly losing my mind until I finally saw a negative result on the tiny little test device. I felt so relieved, after testing myself two times to get positive, the third time came out negative I called work for good news and ready to head back there. I wanted to work on the YCHs to make some money to help cover the rent and bills but I spent most of the time in bed, quarantine and unfortunately avoiding speaking with mom after a world's dumbest drama we had. (She threw the whole box of Covid test kits in the trash thinking they were used and I just placed them on the goddamn table. Uh.. common sense? I fucking threw ONE to the fucking trash can after using it. So I had to go with mask and gloves on to buy some test kits myself). I spent the entire week and weekend working, feeling so much better to be back there and making hours. I got paid today with whole 80+ hours, but next paycheck is going to be small because I missed 5 days. FIVE DICKFISTING DAYS IN BED BECAUSE THANKS COVID.

Now that I'm feeling better I'm going to be focusing on YCHs, though because we are short on cooks at work I'm going to have one day off until my boss hires more cooks - there is going to be more football games soon and he knows we need more extra hands. So until we get more cooks, I'm going to be really slow with art.

Since I still have Covid I can't go to work for awhile, no matter how much I wished I could go. Thanks to the vaccine this covid I have isn't so very severe, but how long is it gonna take for covid to die off? I have no fucking idea but it's making my worried and stressed that the fact I can't work, and rent is still a bitch to handle (Thanks 2022.. -__- ), the option I have now sicne I'm going to have a lot of free time in my room is draw and host YCHs, It's been awhile since I've hosted any and I think now is the time to do them again because right now I do really need money to at least handle the rent. How much is the rent? $751, but I pay half and my mom pays the other half. But since I'm not a very popular artist, not getting so much attention like other big artists I know and seen, getting half of that much for the rent will be very difficult... But it's worth a try...
This is going to take awhile but hopefully itl'l be successful so I can take care of at least this month's rest...

Yesterday I was feeling kind meh on the throat, follow by sneezing later that day and then a slight cough. This morning I decided to check myself with those test kits and apparently the results came out positive.
Welp, I'm isolated myself right now and hopefully it goes away soon. I mean, I got vaccinated twice so let's see how long this will last.