New Super Mario Bros. DS
Year Produced: 2006
Publisher/Developer: Nintendo
Game Style: Side-scrolling platformer
Sample Video of Gameplay: CLICK HERE
Additional Information: I have not had a chance to play any of the mini-games as of yet (mainly because I have no one else to play with), so the review will be based on the main game itself...though the existence of the mini-games will be taken into account when I get to the "intangibles/replay factor" section.

Plot: Bowzer Jr. kidnaps Peach and it's up to Mario to rescue her again. What else is there to say but that, it's pretty much standard fare for a Mario game.

Personal Experience: New Super Mario Bros. DS was a major reason why I ended up buying a DS in the first place. At the time it came out, I did not own my DS yet and the only system that I had that was my own was my Gamecube. Still, I wanted to get a portable gaming device so that I would have something to do at night after finishing with work while waiting to leave to go home. Back when I finally decided to buy a portable system, I was originally planning on buying a PSP, thinking that using the stylus on the DS was a "turn-off", much in the same way the Wiimote caused me to be hesitant to buy a Wii until last September.

However, on the day that I went to make the purchase, I thought about it for a while and I figured that the DS was more cost-effective as well as had more games that honestly interested me than the PSP did. As it would turn out, I would not regret the decision to buy the DS over the PSP in the slightest (of course, I'm sure you all know two of the reasons why I say that...and if not, have you been paying attention to the stories I've been producing for the last year or so?) As for Super Mario DS, this was one of the first games I purchased for the DS...but it wasn't the first (that honor belongs to Mega Man ZX), and much like all the other side-scrolling platform Mario games, I was immediately hooked on it.

Things I liked about this game

+: The gameplay (of course, it wouldn't be a Mario game if the gameplay wasn't spot on and easy to execute)
+: The Mega Mushroom (*plays Black Sabbath's Iron Man while inflicting mass destruction on hordes of goombas, koopas, and obstacles*) >:}
+: The Ninja Gaiden-esque wall jump (this has the potential to get you to places where you can't reach and it could also save your bacon a couple of times if it looks like you're about to fall to your doom)
+: The mushroom houses (though they're not quite as useful here as they are in NSMB Wii)
+: The map system (reminiscent of SMB3 and SMW...with unlockable pathways by collecting coins or finding secret goals)
+: The slide-show ending which shows every stage you've visited at the end (reminiscent of SMB3's ending)

Things that frustrated me about the game

-: Unlocking certain worlds in the game (I've tried countless times and I still haven't been able to unlock either world 4 or world 7)
-: The final fight between Mario and Bowzer is a bit anti-climactic, especially considering that of the Wii version.

Things that confused me from the game

?: How can micro Mario walk on water (who does he think he is...Jesus? OK, in the world of Video Games, he probably is, but I still find that to be a bit odd)

CONCLUSION: Much like all the other side-scrolling Mario games, this game has excellent controls, addictive gameplay, and is just hard enough to push you to want to succeed. As a reboot to a classic franchise, it succeeds in recapturing the element that made Mario a household name while not doing anything drastic to change the formula that has worked well in the last 25 years. It's not the grand champion of Mario games (that still belongs to SMB3), but it is slightly better than the Wii counterpart due to better controls and is about on par with Super Mario World.

Graphics: 8 (Nice details in the graphics considering the DS's limitations)
Music (sound effects): 7 (Good variety with decent quality)
Story: 6 (pretty much the same as most Mario games...save Peach from Bowzer Jr., bla, bla, bla)
Gameplay: 10 (Are you really surprised that I gave this game a "10" for gameplay?)
Replay Factor/Intangibles: 8 (Provides a lot of incentive to play through the entire game...even if it's a bitch to unlock all eight worlds. Plus, the inclusion of mini-games also helps, assuming you have someone to play them with)

FINAL GRADE: 8.2/A- (This game alone is reason enough to own a DS, it returns Mario to his roots and does an excellent job at it)


Next VG Review: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II (NES)
Next week's Review: Alien Resurrection

Alien 3
Year Released: 1992
Produced By: 20th Century Fox
Type of Original Release: Theatrical
Rotten Tomatoes Score/My Grade Equivalent*: 40%/C-

Personal Experience: Alien 3 is a movie that I remember seeing the previews for and saw from the moment I saw Ripley with the xenomorph about to attack her that I had to see this movie. Naturally, since this was an "R" rated movie and I was only in middle school at the time, I had to wait until it came out on VHS. Ironically, up until before I did this review, I've never actually seen the film in it's entirety before...I've seen various parts of it and watched it several times here and there...but I never sat through the whole thing until last weekend. Although admittedly, from what I watched last weekend and what I had seen over the course of nearly 20 years, I didn't really seem to miss very much when it came to important elements.

What I liked about the movie

+: Smart Ass Ripley (with one line in particular..."This is a maximum security prison...and you don't have any weapons?!!" That line right there made me burst out in laughter, as if I could imagine hearing NC or the Cinema Snob saying that line)
+: Charles S. Dutton (he does a good job in his role and his voice reminds me of Yaphet Kotto)
+: The idea of trying to outwit the xenomorph while trying to stay alive without being armed
+: The cinematography (much like the first two films, it still does it's job well to convey atmosphere)

What pissed me off about this movie

-: There are several MAJOR inconsistencies with this movie in comparison to the first two movies. (I'd go into detail here, but I'll save that for the question segment)
-: No Hicks (BOOOO!)
-: No Newt (BOOOO! again)
-: No major showdown between Ripley and the xenomorph (in the first movie, you had the xenomorph on board the escape shuttle when Ripley had to coax it out of hiding and blow it out the hatch, in the second movie you had Ripley v. the xenomorph queen when she was in the power loader, in this movie it's basically climb the wall while "the black guy is killed off by the monster"** right before the boiling hot lead is poured into the chamber. At least when Parker was killed off in the first movie, he went out with more dignity)

Things that I am questioning after this movie

?: Inconsistency #1: How did the xenomorph queen lay an egg on the Sulaco? (first of all, the xenomorph queen had her entire reproductive tract blown to smithereens by Ripley...so unless the xenomorph queen is like a tapeworm when it comes to reproduction, it's very unlikely it would be capable of laying eggs. Secondly, how did the xenomorph queen manage to get off of the drop ship to lay that egg without being seen prior to Bishop getting skewered by its tail?)
?: Inconsistency #2: How was the face hugger able to impregnate the dog if it had already done so to Ripley (after all, it was established in the first film that after the embryo is implanted, the face hugger detaches and dies. The only way around this is if there were actually two eggs laid on the ship...but then again I refer you to Inconsistency #1)
?: Inconsistency #3: Was Ripley still alive after the chest burster came out of her...because it seemed to me that she was holding it to her bosom as she was falling into the incinerator (for that matter, how did Ripley know that the chest burster within her was a queen?)
?: What happened to the Alien ship at the end of Aliens...did it get blown up by the explosion, engulfed by the fireball it left behind? What?!! (How do we know these are the last xenomorphs in existence...and for that matter, if that IS the case...then wouldn't the xenomorph queen that Ripley was carrying have to be inseminated first before it could lay eggs...unless it's like a Cape bee)

CONCLUSION: The story in this movie is wounded and seems a bit half-assed...with several glaring inconsistencies and plotholes. Still, with that being said, putting that aside, there is still some entertainment value to be had to it and although obvious the inconsistencies in the movie, the story could conceivably work...but you have to EXPLAIN how they could happen in order for it to work. As it stands right now, the story isn't totally implausible, but it does seem hard to believe.

FINAL GRADE: C (Not nearly as good as the first two movies, but there are worse movies featuring the xenomorphs out there than this...plus it's also not the worst movie with Ripley in it either)

Next Movie Review: Alien Resurrection
Next Week's Review: New Super Mario Bros. DS

*: Grade equivalent is based on my video game review score system (a 100% fresh rating on RT = a 10.0 score on my system, basically it takes the percentage score and divides by 10)
**: I'm not a fan of this either...I think the idea of having "the black guy" getting killed off for little or no reason is stupid and at least semi-intentional in many cases.

Finally, I am in the process of setting up a page over at Inkbunny...more details about it will follow once I get settled in a little more there.

In regards to the review of Alien 3 that was supposed to be scheduled for this weekend...when I learned that FA was (is) going to have a scheduled outage this weekend, I decided that I would delay the review until next week. However, if I would've known that the scheduled outage got delayed, I would've posted the review last night (along with the story I just put up). Therefore, the Alien 3 review will be pushed back until next weekend and the remainder of the review schedule will also be pushed back by one week. On the plus side though, it will give me a chance to watch the movie a second time, since I had never watched the movie in its entirety prior to last night, I've seen parts of it prior to that but never the whole thing.

Anyway...to tide you guys over until next weekend, I've got another top 10 list for you.

Top 10 List #25: Movies that I like that the Nostalgia Critic has reviewed
While there have been many occasions where I have agreed totally about NC's opinion about certain movies, there are a handful of movies that he's reviewed that I actually like*. Inspired by Doug's recent top 10 lists as well as a comment I receive on my last top 10, I've decided to do my own list.

NOTE: This only includes movies he's reviewed in-depth and those I have seen in their entirety, it does not include top 11 lists unless the movie has received an in-depth review.

10. Judge Dredd: I never read any of the Judge Dredd comics, but I did enjoy the movie. It had the typical summertime action while also having a story that I actually honestly enjoyed. Though to be fair, without reading the comics I can't say whether or not the story was "good" or not. Still, I like the movie and I don't mind watching it whenever I have the chance. Plus, the NC did mention that this was a "guilty pleasure", which is why it's only #10.

9. Suburban Commando: Though I haven't watched this movie in years, I still remember it well and I still think that it's not too bad. I actually do remember laughing at several points throughout the movie and the fact that Christopher Lloyd is in it helps out quite a bit. Plus, this was also around the time where Hulk Hogan was highly popular in the eyes of many young kids (myself included) and it actually seemed like he was trying to do a decent job acting...at least in this movie.

8. Neverending Story II: While I do think that it's nowhere near as good as the original, I did think that it did continue the story from the first movie better than what the NC said and it did look like the filmmaker's at least put some effort into the movie...unlike the third movie in the series.

7. The Flintstones: Yeah, I know that NC's opinion on the Flintstones is biased, but my own opinion about the series is favorable. I loved the Flintstone cartoons and I felt the plot of the first movie did feel like it could happen to the characters if it were put into an episode of the actual series...well, minus the embezzlement part. But I could easily see the rest of it happening, though I never did see Barney as being much of a genius when it came to running a business, or anything for that matter.

6. Rock-a-Doodle: I actually enjoyed this movie growing up and I still like the idea behind it today. In a way, the story reminds me of a certain series of games that I love (Hint,Hint)

5. Hook: Let me say this right now, I actually PREFER this movie to the animated movie. I also love the idea of seeing Peter Pan as a grown-up relearning how to fight, fly, etc. to face off against Captain Hook for one last time.

4. Independence Day: The action scenes in ID4 are well made and they held my interest well and to be honest, while the plot did seem like it had been done before...I didn't really mind it all that much. The movie was released in the summer, and most summertime movies are heavily action-oriented, although some also succeed in telling a good story. While the story was old, the movie was entertaining to me and I still enjoy watching it despite its flaws.

3. Twister: OK...this one is predominately based on my personal tastes. Anyone who knows me well enough knows that I'm heavily into meteorology, I've been interested in meteorology since I was about 4 years old...particularly severe thunderstorms and tornadoes. When I watched Twister in theaters, I loved the movie for its action and I honestly got into the plot as well, even though I knew from what I learned that some of the plot points were a bit dated...unless the events of the movie took place in the late 70's or early 80's (mainly revolving around Dorothy). As I grew up though, I did see that the romantic sub-plot was stupid and probably should've been axed altogether. Still, I like Twister for the chase scenes and the tornadoes.

2. Mortal Kombat (the first one): Out of all the video game-based movies out there (at least amongst theatrical releases), this movie is probably the best of the bunch. It actually follows the story in the games fairly well and the action scenes are entertaining to watch. Some people complain about how the movie wimps out on the violence that is in the game by not showing all that much blood, gore, and death. However, this is one case where it doesn't really bother me that much. Does this mean this is a "good" movie...not necessarily, but I would say that it's at least a "passable" movie...which is way more than can be said about the sequel.

1. Howard the Duck: I'll bet you weren't expecting to see this on my list...let alone at #1, but it's true...I liked Howard the Duck as a kid and I still do today. Yeah, I know what NC said about it, but at it's core it does have a halfway-decent story around it. Imagine if you were suddenly taken from your normal life and slam-dunked on a distant planet where everyone is different from you and you're trying to adapt to your new surroundings and intermingle with the local beings. Yeah, there's it's fair share of stupidity at times, but I don't think it's nearly as stupid as many of the movies that are constantly being crapped out of Hollywood nowadays anyway. In addition, I've also read the three comics that the movie is based off of and I can clearly say that the comics and the movie in general were not meant to be seen by kids...even though I saw it for the first time when I was 7, though to be fair I also watched Aliens when I was around that age too...so that says something for the type of movies that my parents let me watch when I was that age. The movie probably should've gotten a higher rating than "PG", just for the "Duck Tits" alone, but then again...there isn't anything else too negative that I saw about the movie aside from that. Again, this movie is by no means a masterpiece and it certainly not the best thing that George Lucas ever came up with. However, it's still WAY better than Jar Jar Binks and the Star Wars Prequels!

*: it should be noted that even if I disagree with the NC's opinion about a movie, I still laugh my ass off at his reviews of said movies. In fact, I like to poke fun at movies that I like as well.

There's a couple of things that I need to get off my chest right now, so here goes...

1. Some of you may have noticed that the second deadline for the 2011 Favorite Furry Females has passed and none of the spots have been filled (though one of the suggested females I was given will be featured in a future story that was already scheduled before it was mentioned). Because of the lack of interest, plus the fact that I haven't done ANY of the 2010 list yet, I've decided to put this on hiatus for the time-being. Once I do get some of the 2010 list done, I'll likely get back to this, but it'll be a little while.

2. This is for all artists who may be watching me and might be interested in a trade. I'm in the mood to see some new rapoporn pix, since it's been a while since I last saw anything new (and good) of that nature. If you're interested in helping me out, please leave me a note and I'll explain more. In trade, I'm willing to offer one Sex Fantasy story with the character of your choice (as long as it's within my limitations...see Top 10 List #23) per pic.

Top 10 List #24: Worst Movies that have been reviewed by the Nostalgia Critic
Over the past couple of years, I've watched almost every episode of the Nostalgia Critic at least once and as such I think some of the movies he's reviewed are worse than others. Therefore, I've created my own top 10 list of what I think the worst movies are that he's already reviewed.

NOTE: Only movies that he has reviewed in depth will count here, so as much as it deserves it, TMNT 3 will not be here. Besides, the term "horribfuckus" sums it all up right there anyway.

10. Bio-Dome: Or as I prefer to call it, Bio-DUMB! This movie is just plain stupid, Pauly Shore is just plain stupid. It insults the intelligence of the people who watch it and therefore earns its place on the list. Though in fairness, it's not the worst movie ever made, it's mostly just ridiculously idiotic.

9. Quest For Camelot: Not only does it heavily rip-off of Disney (which in turn often rips off of other movies/books) it makes little to no sense and doesn't explain jack shit.

8. Battlefield Earth: Horrible acting (particularly John Travolta), a lame story and ridiculous names for the aliens. (Psychlos? Really? That sounds like something that would come from a satire of a sci-fi alien invasion movie...or something featuring the Tramps!)

7. Mortal Kombat Annihilation: The first Mortal Kombat movie was actually somewhat enjoyable to me, it wasn't the best movie...but out of a sea of shitty video game movies, this one actually was halfway decent and did honor its source material. Mortal Kombat: Annihilation however took a serious step backward. While it still had major characters from the game, the story was shitty and the effects were just downright dreadful at times.

6. Street Fighter: Another bad video game-based movie?!! What a shock!!! Anyway, sarcasm aside, while this movie does have some elements of the game, the story itself dishonors Street Fighter and makes Guile the main hero instead of Ryu. It does get brownie points for having Raul Julia in it, but it's not enough to make up for the shitty story and the other casting choices (mainly Jean-Claude Van Damme as Guile...WHAT THE FUCK!)

5. The Room: The acting in this movie is beyond dreadful and not a whole lot of it makes any sense. To be fair to it though, it was a fairly amateurish film but even being that isn't enough to make up for how bad it is. The makers of the film threatened the Nostalgia Critic for claiming "copyright infringement" for reviewing the movie, even though NC was well within his right to do so. However, I think the real ones who should be sued are the MAKERS of this movie for unleashing an A-bomb of ass on the world.

4. Super Mario Bros.: Here's a video game movie based on a game that almost every gamer has played and loved and got violated by Hollywood. Not only does the story have little to do with the games, but having a humanoid Bowzer is ridiculous. This would be higher on the list if it wasn't for the ass-ness of other movies as well as Bob Hoskins.

3. Double Dragon: WHY?!! Why was this movie even made in the first place?!! I know it was a popular Arcade/NES game, but why would you release it at the very end of the NES' life cycle. Hell, even the Super Nintendo was approaching the end of its lifespan at the time this was released. Furthermore, it has very little to do with the actual game and the makeup for Abobo (not to mention naming him "Bo Abobo") sucked monkey balls.


2. Garbage Pail Kids: Why the hell was this movie made? Seriously, were the cards that fucking popular to warrant a movie based on these bastards? I mean, sure I had some Garbage Pail Kid cards when I was a kid, but I never thought it was that big of a deal. That, plus the movie has a shitty story and equally shitty characters...though at least the GPK look better than the Turtles did in TMNT 3, TMNT: Coming out of our Shells tour, and that TMNT Christmas video I saw James do a review about a couple months ago.

1. Neverending Story III: FUCK THIS MOVIE! Actually, I take it back, DON'T fuck this movie, don't let your friends fuck this movie, it's un-fuckworthy!* How can they turn an entertaining and imaginative film such as the Neverending Story into this fucking garbage. They essentially gave all of the major Fantasian characters an ass-fisting and the fact there's no Atreyu in it is further proof that these people just didn't give a flying fuck about this movie. This movie deserves to be smashed into little tiny bits, pissed on, shoved into an incinerator to be burned to ash and then have the ashes thrown into an active volcano to be sent to the fires of hell where it fucking belongs!

Naturally, with so many movies to choose from, some had to be left off the list...but still deserve to be mentioned as terrible, terrible films.

> North
> Batman and Robin
> The Wizard
> Surf Ninjas
> Pagemaster
> Cool as Ice
> Alone in the Dark (would've likely made the top 10 if I were more familiar with the source material)
> Sidekicks
> Steel (Seriously Shaq, stick to playing basketball, that's the only thing you know how to do well as a celebrity)
> Tank Girl
> Warriors of Virtue (this film is just boring as all hell)
> Lost in Space
> Home Alone 3
> A Troll in Central Park
> Mr. Nanny
> Chairman of the Board
> Pound Puppies: The Legend of Big Paw
> The Pebble and the Penguin
> My Pet Monster
> Ferngully 2
> NIMH 2
> Care Bears 2

*: Paraphrased from AVGN's Deadly Towers review...apologies to James Rolfe and the person who gave him the line.

Ms. Pac Man
Year Produced: 1981
Publisher/Developer: Midway (Original publisher...rights were later turned over to Namco)
Game Style: Arcade
Sample Video of Gameplay: CLICK HERE

Plot: Pretty much the same as the original Pac Man, the only real difference plot-wise is that Ms. Pac Man is the star of the film and the "cut scenes" in between levels are based on the relationship between Pac Man and Ms. Pac Man.

Personal Experience: Along with Galaga, this was one of the first arcade games that I had ever played. To my knowledge, I've never played the actual arcade cabinet of Pac Man in my life...but I've played the arcade version of Pac Man as part of various video game collections. After playing both games, I've found that Ms. Pac Man is the superior game of the two and is more enjoyable to play.

Things I liked about this game

+: No annoying "woo-woo-woo" noise during gameplay (this alone is a huge, HUGE improvement from Pac Man)
+: Improved music/sound effects
+: Faster and more challenging gameplay
+: Simple and highly effective controls (all you need to play the game is one hand on the joystick to move Ms. Pac Man around, making it easy for even inexperienced players to get into the game)

Things that frustrated me about the game

I had to think very hard and long about this to think of something that pissed me off enough to mention here. But I can't really think of anything, the gameplay is stellar and the replay value is very high. The only weak point of this entire game is it's story and that can easily be forgiven due to the fact that the game was made in the early 80's (where story didn't play a major role in games) and also because of how well the game plays.

Things that confused me from the game

Again, much like the previous column, there really isn't anything that confused me about the game either then or now. Everything that you needed to know about this game was covered in the first Pac Man arcade (with the exception of Ms. Pac Man) and there's nothing else I can see that had me scratching my head, other than trying to come up with something to write here.

CONCLUSION: Ms. Pac Man is an awesome arcade game, superior to its male counterpart in every possible way and still enjoyable to play nearly 30 years after its release. If you're able to find the arcade cabinet for this, pop some quarters in it and give it a play...otherwise, look for a Namco Museum collection with the game included or the downloadable version on XBLA.

Graphics: 9 (Given the year this game came out, the graphics are very well done and the sprites for Ms. Pac Man are well detailed)
Music (sound effects): 8 (Far better and much less obnoxious than Pac Man)
Story: 6 (pretty much copypasta from Pac Man, only involving Ms. Pac Man as the title character)
Gameplay: 10 (Simple, but highly effective...also fast-paced and addicting)
Replay Factor/Intangibles: 8 (Very easy to get into because of the ease of its controls)

FINAL GRADE: 8.5/A- (PLAY THIS GAME...EITHER THE ORIGINAL CABINET OR A PORT OF THE ACTUAL ARCADE VERSION!)


Next VG Review: New Super Mario Bros. DS
Next week's Review: Alien 3

Some of you already know this, but for those who don't I'll tell you. I just opened a new e-mail account through Google after an incident regarding my Hotmail account. That, plus I was starting to get pissed off at Microsoft anyway and had been thinking of ditching Hotmail for a different and (hopefully) more reliable service. Anyway, I would mention my new addy publicly, but I would prefer to keep that information to a select group of people for now (mainly those who have already e-mailed me in the past on my Hotmail account). If this is you, and I have not contacted you as of yet, please note me and I will give you my new addy.

# For the time-being at least, I will be keeping my Hotmail account and I'll likely still check it every once in a while. When and if I decide to make my new addy public, I'll let you all know.

Aliens
Year Released: 1986
Produced By: 20th Century Fox
Type of Original Release: Theatrical
Rotten Tomatoes Score/My Grade Equivalent*: 100%/A+

Personal Experience: Out of all the movies that are out there, this is the first movie that I had any real experience with as a kid and it is the movie I most thoroughly remember. It easily earns its place as one of my all-time favorite movies and it's still enjoyable to watch some 25 years later as it was when I first saw it. I was six years old when I first saw this movie and, of course, seeing all the violence in the movie there were scenes that scared the ever-loving shit out of me for several years. That being said however, there were also plenty of scenes that had "bad ass" written all over them, which meant that while the movie had parts that scared me shitless, it also had parts that I loved even as a little boy and it made me want to watch and love the movie even more.

As I grew older, I started to get over the various phobias that the film initially gave me and the scenes that once scared the daylights out of me weren't nearly as scary anymore, leaving only the "bad ass" element of the film and making it a delight to watch again and again.

What I liked about the movie

+: BAD ASS RIPLEY! (This is the movie that made her the poster-child for all the bad ass women in video games and movies. Yeah, this came out around the same time that Metroid did, but I'm sure many gamers (myself included) had no idea that Samus was actually a woman underneath the armor until we beat the game.)
+: That smart-ass Hudson (I would say that he's likely a major inspiration for my own attitude. His scenes are mostly hysterical and makes him look like what would happen if you took Gomer Pyle and crossed him with the Cinema Snob. Out of all the characters in the movie, I liked him the most, with the possible exception of Ripley. On a related subject, I'd like to mention something else as well...I happen to like Bill Paxton (much to the Nostalgia Critic's chagrin), but I also think he's at his best when he's a supporting character playing a smart-ass like Hudson or Chet in Weird Science. I didn't get that same kind of feeling from him when I watch Twister where he's the lead male actor...but that's a subject for a further review. Yes, I know NC already did Twister, but the movie has a significant enough impact on me that I will be reviewing it in the future)
+: Vasquez (She's just as bad ass as Ripley would become in the second half of the movie...it's a shame that she got killed off, because I liked her as well. Speaking of the supporting cast...)
+: The supporting cast in general (You can tell that this is a group of actors/actresses that took their work very seriously and delivered their lines well. You can truly get the feeling that this is one cohesive unit that despite the squabbles of some of their characters, still work together and fight together)
+: Ripley v. The Xenomorph Queen (particularly in the final battle aboard the Sulaco. Speaking of which...)
+ "Get away from her you BITCH!" (This is the quote of the movie that is the most memorable to me and it cements Ripley's transformation from her character in the first movie to the bad ass she's now known as)
+: The cinematography (it's very well done making certain scenes looking dark and hostile while also giving the characters a sense of isolation when they are cut off from the Sulaco)
+: The suspense (like Alien, this had a lot of suspenseful moments in it, even more so than the first in my opinion. With that being said, the suspenseful nature has worn off over time as I got more familiar with the movie, but it remains entertaining as all hell)

What pissed me off about this movie
(This won't take long =3)

-: The fact that the cut scenes were removed from the theatrical release (I watched the uncut version of the movie and while in Alien the cut scenes had little effect on the story...Aliens is another matter. The scenes cut from Aliens actually did contribute to the story, explaining how the xenomorphs got to the colony as well as giving more of a sense of how the marines tried to drive them away while awaiting a potential rescue. Yeah, I know that the movie was already over 2 hours and length without the cut scenes, but given what is shown in the scenes I think it would've been worth the extra 10-15 minutes)

Things that I am questioning after this movie

?: Why were the cut scenes eliminated from the theatrical release when they actually contributed to the story?

CONCLUSION: This movie is an epic example of a sequel done right. It doesn't try and re-tell the same story, it instead expands on it with plenty of entertainment and action to be had for all. Of all the Alien movies, this is EASILY the best of the franchise and one that I'm more than happy to watch again and again

FINAL GRADE: A+ (If I could find the "you won" clip from Willy Wonka, you'd be seeing it here)

Next Movie Review: Alien 3
Next Week's Review: Ms. Pac Man

*: Grade equivalent is based on my video game review score system (a 100% fresh rating on RT = a 10.0 score on my system, basically it takes the percentage score and divides by 10)

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles IV: Turtles In Time
Year Produced: 1992
Publisher/Developer: Konami
Game Style: Side-Scrolling Beat-em up
Additional information: For this review, I will be reviewing the SNES version since I have never played the arcade version (though I have seen footage from the arcade version)
Sample Video of Gameplay: CLICK HERE

Plot: During the Channel 6 Evening News, Krang in his robotic body swoops in and steals the Statue of Liberty as Shredder calls out the Turtles to get it back. Things start out much like the original arcade game, but after defeating Shredder the first time, he sends the turtles through a time warp to several different time periods, past and future.

Personal Experience: This is a game that I never knew existed pre-AVGN, but as soon as I found out about it and saw how much the game resembled the original arcade game, I knew I had to have it. Once I did manage to get my mitts on the game, it did not disappoint. It felt a lot like the arcade games that I remembered as a kid.

Things I liked about this game

+: It feels almost exactly like the arcade versions of this game and the original arcade game
+: The humor (watching all of the reactions by the turtles whenever they fall down a open sewer, get fried, step on spiked balls, etc)
+: Numerous references to the show and even to the second TMNT movie (with the inclusion of Tokka and Rahzar)
+: The addition of Time Trial stages and the vs. mode in addition to the regular game
+: Being able to beat the ever-loving snot out of foot soldiers (including throwing them at the screen and tossing them from side-to-side into other foot soldiers/enemies)

Things that frustrated me about the game

-: Trying to throw foot soldiers at the screen (especially when you NEED to throw them at the screen to defeat a boss)
-: More voice effects would've been nice, although the addition of some of them is a plus from the NES version of the original arcade game, but I'll get to that later.
-: For some reason, some of the sound effects in this game didn't seem quite as good as in the NES version of the original arcade game.
-: Those maroon colored foot soldiers that hold their arms up and block your attacks (I hate these motherfuckers!)

Things that confused me from the game

?: Since when are Tokka and Rahzar are considered "in canon" with the TV show? (Don't get me wrong, I like seeing them in the game...it's just that the vast majority of the enemies in the game are based on the cartoon and not the movies)
?: Why didn't Konami produce the re-make of Turtles in Time (yeah, I know it doesn't have anything directly to do with the SNES version...but, I would think that Konami would want to be the one to re-make one of their own games rather than giving it to Ubisoft)

CONCLUSION: Outside of the arcade version of this and the original arcade game, this is as close to the TMNT arcade experience that had been produced during the NES/SNES/Genesis era...although to be fair, the re-make does have the ability to host four players online (though it isn't as well made as this game is).

Graphics: 8 (Looks a lot like the arcade versions, but isn't quite as colorful as those do)
Music: 7 (The music is mixed for me, while it's all well done, some themes are catchier than others.)
Story: 7 (The plot is pretty simplistic but effective for the type of game)
Gameplay: 7 (Regular attacks/special attacks work well, throwing foot soldiers takes some work)
Replay Factor/Intangibles: 9 (Lots of humorous moments and references to the show...although having some of the bosses actually talk would've been a nice addition)

FINAL GRADE: 7.4/B+ (If you're a TMNT or beat-em up fan, you'll definitely love this game. If not, you should at least give this or the arcade version (if you can find it) a try)


Next VG Review: Ms. Pac Man
Next week's Review: Aliens

This is just to remind people that I am still looking for the next batch of females to do stories on, so if you have one in mind. Please post it here...in case you need the rules for this, here they are once again.


> No anthro or non-anthro pokemon (Sorry, but I do enough of those as it is, I'd like something not pokemon-related for this)
> Non-anthro characters are allowed
> No famous furry females that I've already done before as a part of this (either from 2009 or 2010)
> No PBB females (Though I would love to do a story with a PBB female...especially Betty, I don't know if I could do it in a way that would be acceptable enough to ask Ms. Santato for permission to do it)
> Only one (accepted) idea per customer
> Rule 63 is allowed...but only in certain circumstances...I reserve the right to say "no" if it's someone who I'd rather not rule 63.
> I must have heard of that specific female in the past...somehow. If I don't know who it is, I won't do it...and if I do know somewhat of who you're talking about but don't have enough information, I cannot do it unless you provide me with information about them.
> No personal characters (exception: if the character is in a well-known comic or story, then it may be allowed...but you may need to provide proof of the character's popularity to convince me to consider it).
> No raposa characters (Sorry, but I'd prefer to think of Rapo stories on my own right now).
> Once I have selected three characters, I will not accept any more suggestions until the next time I do this.
> All characters chosen from this list will be done after the current list is completed.

Slots (once all three are full, this will be closed)

1. OPEN
2. OPEN
3. OPEN

DEADLINE: 2/12/2011...or until all spots are filled, whichever occurs first. (if any spots are still vacant at the deadline, another expansion will likely be made)

Also, I've been doing a little bit of thinking about having to cancel the story about Maid Marian and I think I've found a way to make up for it. If you'd like, I could have your character written into a short sex story with Maid Marian...to do this, all you need to do is tell me why you like Maid Marian, what you'd like to do with her if you could, and what kind of scene you'd like in at least four complete sentences...but no more than 3 paragraphs worth (approx. 15 sentences) and whoever gives the best response will win the prize. I should also mention that this story will be a Sex Fantasy story.

Alien
Year Released: 1979
Produced By: 20th Century Fox
Type of Original Release: Theatrical
Rotten Tomatoes Score/My Grade Equivalent*: 96%/A

Personal Experience: Of the four main Alien movies (not including the AVP ones), this was the second of the four that I watched...with the first being Aliens, but I'll get more into that with my next review. At the time I watched Aliens back when I was little, I had absolutely no clue that it was actually a sequel to another movie...until I was like 12 or 13 when I noticed that my parents had a VHS copy of Alien. Of course, being how I watched the awesomeness that is Aliens prior to seeing this, my younger self was not as impressed with this movie as I was with Aliens. However, as I got older, I began to have more appreciation for this movie and saw exactly how it made its place in pop culture. Personally though, I still think Aliens is the superior movie, but that's not saying that this movie is without its own merit.

One thing that I would like to address is the crew of the Nostromo itself. Many people consider them to be like "truck drivers in space", but to me it doesn't quite fit. I see them more as like the crews you'd see on a show such as "Deadliest Catch".

What I liked about the movie

+: When I first saw this movie, it was quite suspenseful and filled with dramatic elements...much like Aliens was. Sure, now that I've seen it dozens of times the suspense and drama is faded, but it's definitely there for those unfamiliar with the movie.
+: Yaphet Kotto (I like this guy...in every movie I've seen with him in it, he always seems to be some sort of smart ass.)
+: The exterior design of the ship (looks very well detailed)
+: The ongoing struggle between humans and technology (in this case Ash/Mother v. the rest of the crew...where they only care about the survival of the xenomorph and not of the crew)
+: The alien itself (sure, when I first saw this, it didn't seem quite right...remember, I saw Aliens first and the designs for that movie were slightly different from the original. But, as I got older, I got to appreciate how much detail went into the costume and how bad ass it looked.
+: The cinematography (seemed to fit the mood of the film very well, whether it was dark and desolate on the planet or on-board the Nostromo where the xenomorph was running around all over, picking off humans one-by-one)
+: Ripley (duh, why wouldn't I mention her here. Ripley is the "poster child" for all of the bad ass women that would come in future TV shows, movies, and video games...though there is one drawback in relation to her that I'll get to momentarily)

What pissed me off about this movie
(This won't take long =3)

-: This movie didn't have nearly as many "scare myself silly" moments in it compared to Aliens (to be fair, I was considerably older when I watched this movie as a whole for the first time so I was a bit desensitized to some of the scenes. Although there were a few scenes in there that did invoke similar feelings to those I experienced watching Aliens when I was younger)
-: Ripley is not as much of a bad ass in this (granted, being that I saw Aliens first I instantly had the impression that she was someone who didn't take shit from no-one or no thing. Watching her in this, she does seem to have a few "classic Ripley" moments here and there, but as a whole, her personality in this seems a lot more like that of Mari...and I cannot believe I just made a Drawn to Life reference in a review about Alien. However, it does seem to fit to an extent. Both Ripley and Mari take their jobs very seriously and think about what's best for the crew as a whole (in Ripley's case) or her village (in Mari's case). While it does paint Ripley as strong-willed and independent, I still would've liked to see some more bad ass moments from her)
-: I've seen both the original theatrical release as well as the release with the director's cuts, and quite frankly, the director's cut version doesn't really add to the overall story and considering what happens in Aliens, it's probably for the best that Ridley Scott did cut those scenes out.

Things that I am questioning after this movie

?: If the Nostromo looks so big from the outside, why does it seem smaller from the inside?
?: Um...what exactly was the xenomorph doing with its tail to Lambert? (Is this what inspired tentacle porn?)
?: For that matter...is it just me, or does it seem like the xenomorph initially acts more like Quagmire around Ripley and Lambert.
?: Why do some of the walls on the ship look like buttons you'd see on a video game controller?

CONCLUSION: Like I said before, the movie is filled with suspenseful moments as well as drama, combined with a fair amount of violence and gore with unique elements not seen prior to this in similar films. The story is well-written and executed, even if it feels a bit "B-movie"-ish at times and it is still entertaining to watch. It's not quite as entertaining as Aliens is, but it gets the job done in the end.

FINAL GRADE: A- (If you haven't seen this movie, go out and see it as soon as possible. This movie is a classic and deserves to be cherished)

Next Movie Review: Aliens
Next Week's Review: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles IV (SNES)

*: Grade equivalent is based on my video game review score system (a 100% fresh rating on RT = a 10.0 score on my system, basically it takes the percentage score and divides by 10)

Before I begin the review, I feel that there are a couple of things that I need to address.

First of all, this will be the first review under the new scoring system. While the rankings and number scale remain the same, I've adjusted some of the percentage weights on the overall score in hopes of better reflecting what is more/less important in a video game. Some elements, such as Graphics, Story, and Replay Factor/Intangibles will remain the same as they were (with 20% for Graphics and Story and 10% for Replay Factor/Intangibles). What has changed is Gameplay and Music. The gameplay percentage has been increased to 35% of the overall grade while music has been decreased to 15%. I would also like to stress that these are merely my best guesses for what matters in any video game and future adjustments may need to be made in order to "get it right".

Secondly, I don't know if the rest of you guys noticed this, but I don't tend to give very many high scores of greater than 8.5, even on games that are considered amongst the best out there. Well, first of all, that's part of the reason for the score adjustment...to give great games their fair dues and a lot of scores have been adjusted as I made the change. Secondly, the scores aren't the only thing that I rely on...the scores are mostly used as a reference for me to assign a letter grade to the game (which I consider to be my OFFICIAL opinion on it). I've heard a lot of places that say a score of "7 out of 10" is considered average and I think that's bullshit. I subscribe to the Angry Joe scoring method where a score of "5 out of 10" is considered average, a game with a score of "7 out of 10" would be considered a good game, but not a great game in my eyes. However, you're best off by going by my letter grades for each game as well as individual category scores (particularly in gameplay), which is what I base most of my opinion on.

Anyway, now that I've gotten all that out of the way, it's time for the review...

Chip 'n Dale's Rescue Rangers
Year Produced: 1990
Publisher/Developer: Capcom
Game Style: Side-Scrolling Platformer
Additional information: The is one of several video game titles released by Capcom based on various Disney franchises.
Sample Video of Gameplay: CLICK HERE

Plot: Chip (and Dale if you play with two players) have to go stop Fat Cat while also rescuing Gadget from his clutches. (To be honest, it's been YEARS since I last watched the show and I haven't seen a great deal of it...but I do know the gist of the series).

Personal Experience: I didn't get around to playing this game for the first time until a few years ago. Although, I do remember the show and I do remember when the game came out. Over the course of the years it was on, I watched it periodically...though to be honest it wasn't my favorite series of the Disney Afternoon (that would be Ducktales with Darkwing Duck being second). I do remember watching the Chip and Dale cartoons as a kid, which is why I got interested in the series when it first came out. But of course now, I'm sure you all know the REAL reason why I remember the series, and for those of you who don't know let this be a hint for you.

Things I liked about this game

+: The Map System (somewhat similar to that you'd see in SMB3 and SMW where you don't necessarily have to play every level to beat the game)
+: Simplistic yet challenging gameplay (basically, all you need to do is run, throw boxes, bombs, etc, and jump your way through the levels. Although there are challenges along the way including boss battles. Some levels are easier than others)
+: Bonus stages after each level is beaten (for the most part, unless you find the hidden 1up, these don't really do a whole lot of good...there's a time limit for each stage)
+: Being able to throw your partner around the screen (if you're playing as two players)
+: Gadget (Hate her name...absolutely adore her*)

Things that frustrated me about the game

-: The "Castlevania Syndrome" (you get knocked back when you get hit, which can possibly lead to you falling down a pit of doom)
-: There isn't a whole lot of interest in the Bonus Stages (the time limit is too short and aside from a hidden 1up, there's not much worth in it)
-: Having to get used to throw boxes and shit up when I needed to (but once I learned it got easy to do it and it is essential to beating the game)
-: The ending (pretty much the standard group shot plus a bit of text at the end...I found this to be a bit of a disappointment, especially when Ducktales appeared to get more of a satisfying ending than this)

Things that confused me from the game

?: What the hell is that "P" for anyway?
?: Why is Zipper dancing above your head when he's not bashing into enemies?
?: How can Chip and Dale lift apples over their heads...are they on super steroids or something. Yeah, I know that apples aren't that big, but these are chipmunks, who are roughly about the same size as an apple. Maybe they'd be able to lift it enough to move it...but over their heads?!! Granted, it does show them straining whenever they're holding the apple, but it still brings me back to the question I asked.

CONCLUSION: Much like many of Capcom's games based on Disney franchises, this is an example of a game that does justice to TV shows and Movies that are turned into games. It may not be the best example of this, but it does a good job and is at least worth a try if you can find it.

Graphics: 7 (Good for NES standards, Average for Capcom standards *points to the NES Mega Man games as an example of how good the graphics can be*).
Music: 6 (Most of it is rather average and bland, but the final stage theme is pretty good)
Story: 8 (Follows the series and the characters from said series rather well)
Gameplay: 7 (Once you get used to throwing boxes up in addition to the sides, the game becomes enjoyable...but more could've been done to make it better)
Replay Factor/Intangibles: 5 (A fairly standard ending plus relatively worthless bonus stages hurt here, but the ability to hurl your partner across the screen when playing in two player mode does help. Plus, the game adds enough challenge so that you'd want to try and beat it)

FINAL GRADE: 6.9/B (Fans of the Disney-based Capcom games will like this, for all others...the game's worth at least a playthrough or two to determine if you like it or not. It's not great, but it's a halfway-decent game.)


Next VG Review: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles IV (SNES)
Next week's Review: Alien

*: In regards to her name...let me get one thing straight, I don't dislike the name "Gadget"...if it were her nickname. After all, she is the most technically inclined of the group and probably the most intelligent. However, as an actual name. No, I do not accept that. You could've at least given her an actual name and then have her want to be called Gadget by her peers, much like how Tails prefers to be called Tails as opposed to Miles.

Well...it's my birthday and all I have to say about it is this. Please don't bother sending Binky the Clown over to my house O.o

Also, as I promised...I have the special review of New Super Mario Bros. Wii for you as well

New Super Mario Bros. Wii
Year Produced: 2009
Publisher/Developer: Nintendo
Game Style: Side-Scrolling Platformer
Additional information: This was one of the first games I got for the Wii...along with Tatsunoko v. Capcom, which I'll probably get to down the line in a future review once I play it more.
Sample Video of Gameplay: CLICK HERE

Plot: On Princess Peach's birthday, the koopa kids (including Bowser Jr.) hide inside a birthday cake and kidnap Peach for about the 9 millionth time and again, Mario has to go and rescue her...along with saving numerous Toads along the way...but I'll get to that in a moment.

Personal Experience: Since I only got this game about 4 months ago, there really isn't a whole of personal experience with it. It is a lot like most of the other Mario games, addicting and simple to play while also being challenging at times. The game also seems to incorporate elements of Super Mario 3 and Super Mario World into it as well...but I'll explain more about that shortly. This...along with Super Smash Bros. Brawl and Tatsunoko v. Capcom were the reasons I wanted a Wii in the first place. The thing that scared me the most was having to use motion controls in a confined space...which is why I waited so long to buy the Wii, otherwise I probably would've bought one shortly after Brawl came out. Fortunately, it seems like Nintendo found a way around this so that I can play the game without having to break out the nunchuk.

Things I liked about this game

+: Being able to use the Wiimote on it's side to play the game (This is a huge, HUGE deal for me since I live in a place that is relatively cramped. Not having to use the Wiimote + nunchuk is very favorable for me. That being said, I'm not implying that using the Wiimote and Nunchuk is bad, I just haven't tried it due to limited space*)
+: This game is considerably larger than most Mario games (whereas I could probably breeze through Super Mario 3 or Super Mario World in just a few hours if I were to buckle down on them. This game offers much more in the way of content, with more complex level design and more added features...which admittedly I haven't really tried yet, but still it shows that Nintendo wanted to make the game as fulfilling as possible)
+: Has an item system similar to that of Super Mario 3 (though not as many items)
+: You can choose any world you want to go to once you've beaten it (this is useful for acquiring items and 1ups)
+: Yoshi ('nuff said)
+: The return of the Koopa Kids (it's good to see those rascals once again)

Things that frustrated me about the game

-: Yoshi can only be found in a few levels (and you cannot keep him if you beat the level while riding him)
-: It took a little bit of time to get used to shaking the Wiimote and tilting it for specific functions (though it worked well overall, and it wasn't nearly as difficult to execute than flying in Super Mario World).
-: Toad (Let me mention something about Toad...In Super Mario 2, I love playing as him and I do it most of the time...unless there is a strategic reason for me not to. Most of the time though, he's an annoying bastard. In this game, you can play as a blue or yellow Toad...which I have no problem with, though it does require more than 2 players to do. But, you also have to save other Toads from various groups of enemies in mini-battles (similar to the Hammer Brother scenes in SMB3), which is also fine since they give you mushrooms to use when you need them. The thing that annoys the fuck out of me in this game are when you have to find Toad hidden in a level without you/him getting killed. Sure, some levels are easier than others to do this, but many times it's not worth it. Unless you can safely bring him to the goal without killing yourself/him in the process, I'd say LET HIM ROT!) >:3
-: The Super Guide (anyone who grew up with the NES Mario games or Super Mario World shouldn't NEED a super guide. Sure, the game has difficult moments, but you don't need someone to hold your hand to go through the game. That's what it's all about. We didn't have no "Super Guide" to clear levels for us, all we had were our own wits as well as possibly Nintendo Power, if you were lucky enough to have a subscription...which I did not. We learn how to beat the game by doing and by trial-and-error, the Super Guide is merely a crutch to those who are too impatient or not skilled enough to play through a Mario game without throwing the controller down in frustration. In other words, unless you're really young, say early grade-school...there is NO NEED for this. This is something that the IRATE GAMER would use to clear a level...and I have a feeling that this is not just me saying something sarcastic either, given his history)

Things that confused me from the game

?: So...if the Koopa Kids and Bowser Jr. are in this game, then where did Bowser Jr. come from, because I'm sure Peach wouldn't put out for Bowser...at least not willingly, and it'd probably be rather painful anyway if she did. However, I'm not going to go into graphic details about that. I'll just let this episode of Video Game Confessions do that for me.
?: Why is it when I look at the propeller outfits that I'm reminded of the Great Gazoo for some reason? (No...I'm dead serious, I took a look at the outfits and the first thing that popped in my head was Gazoo)

CONCLUSION: This game here is one of the prime examples why someone should have a Wii...especially if they've played SMB3 or SMW. The gameplay is simple and fun and it has features reminiscent of the NES/SNES days. It's not the best Mario game that I've played (that title still belongs to SMB3), but it's definitely more worthy of the title than say Super Mario Sunshine.

Graphics: 8 (For Wii standards, this game does well in the graphic department...especially in World 8. It feels more three-dimensional than the other side-scrolling Mario games. It isn't the best example of graphics for the Wii, but it does a great job).
Music: 7 (Much of it's the same from the DS version, with a few additions here and there. The quality is very good and it goes well with the theme of the game)
Story: 7 (While the story is essentially "copypasta" from the other side-scrolling Mario games, it does bring back the Koopa Kids, which I liked...so I added a couple more points for including them for variety's sake)
Gameplay: 8 (It takes a little bit of getting used to the motion controls, but the control is solid and easy enough to use. Aside from the motion controls, nothing else has changed for Mario...essentially, if it isn't broken, don't try to fix it)
Replay Factor: 9 (The game blends some of the old with the new, satisfying both older gamers and younger ones while creating a similar and somewhat unique experience. Also, it's funny to watch the Koopalings pull Bowser out of the ground, only to have the castle crash down on them) >:3

FINAL GRADE: 7.7/B+ (Not quite as good as Super Mario 3 or Super Mario World, but still enjoyable and a solid recommendation for anyone with a Wii)


Next VG Review will be on 1/15 when I will be doing the first Rescue Rangers game

*: I do have at least one game that requires using motion controls, but I haven't had the chance to play it yet.

With the suggestion period now closed, it is time to announce the upcoming schedule for the next batch of Video Game and Movie reviews. This time around, there were no valid movie suggestions I was given (there were a few that I would've been willing to do, but couldn't find them)...therefore, all the movie suggestions are my own.

Video Game Review
Movie Review

1/15: Rescue Rangers
1/22: Alien
1/29: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles IV (SNES)
2/5: Aliens
2/12: Ms. Pac Man
2/19: Alien 3
2/26: New Super Mario Bros. (DS)
3/5: Alien Resurrection
3/12: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II (NES)
3/19: Reserved for a POSSIBLE movie review...to be determined at a later time what it'll be or if I'll even do one that week

NOTE 1: Review dates are subject to change if conditions warrant
NOTE 2: All video game reviews will be done under the new scoring format (which starts with the Rescue Rangers review)
NOTE 3: There will be a special review of New Super Mario Bros. Wii coming prior to the Rescue Rangers review, which will be done under the current scoring system.
NOTE 4: Following this batch of reviews, all video game reviews will CEASE during the Spring and Summer due to Baseball season...Movie reviews will continue during this time, but I'll explain about all of this more after this cycle is completed.

Suggestion Points (3 pts = 1 free $5 story commission...10 points = 1 free mini-series commission if you choose to save your points for this instead)

 thewanderingpikachu (2 points)
 ihatethathedgehog (1 point)
 jewelwriter (2 points)
jade_styx (2 points)

Also, because none of the spots for the 2011 Favorite Furry Females have been filled as of yet, I have extended the deadline for this until February 12. In addition, it should be noted that some or all of these females will be done using the Sex Fantasy story format.

Well...it's January 4th, and that means it's time to break out the party hats and noisemakers because it's my 3rd anniversary on FA *plays intro to Super Smash Bros. Brawl while fireworks go off in the background (those who watch Atop the 4th Wall will know exactly what I mean)* I don't really have any new stories ready to be put up to mark the occasion, so I'll do another one of my top 10 lists in the meantime.

This top 10 list is a personal one of mine. Over the course of several years of going through various sites and looking at various types of porn. There are certain types of porn that make me do a Jim Varney impression (my personal favorite is when he does it after kissing the troll). While I'm not a douchebag about it like some people who whine about it in public, these things do turn me off and as a result are things that I will never write about in stories. Without further ado, this is my top 10 things that I will never write a story about.

DISCLAIMER: The following opinions are my own and reflect my own PERSONAL feelings for said things mentioned. It does in no way indicate that I have any malice toward people who are interested in some of the things on the list. It's just that these are things that I do not want to touch with a 10 foot pole when it comes to porn and/or writing. Well, with one exception...but I'll get to that when we get there.

10. Human females from American cartoons: Let me state this for the record, I don't find these females to be sexually appealing to me...at all. Yes, that includes the ones that are drawn that are supposed to look sexually appealing (prime examples would be Jessica Rabbit or "Hello Nurse"). Admittedly, I can see why some people find them attractive, but personally...I do not. When I think of human females that are sexually attractive I think of either REAL-LIFE human females or those portrayed in anime. To be fair though, there are a few (very rare) instances where I see something fappable enough for my taste based on an American cartoon, which is why this is only #10.

9. Characters from superhero comic books: 1. See my explanation for #10, 2. I do not find overly muscular females to be physically appealing. Plus, I have never thought at any point in my life that "OMG, Wonder Woman (or some other random shero*) is so hawt I want to put my dick in her". Finally, these are characters who have far better things to be doing than being eye candy anyway...like, fighting crime, saving the planet/universe, or something like that.

8. Family Guy/Simpsons Characters: Same reasons as I stated for #10...but with even more hatred for porn of this type. 1. There is WAAAY too much of it already on the internet. Yeah, we've all heard the song "The Internet is for Porn", but too much of a certain type can get boring and excessive. 2. None of the characters aren't really that attractive anyway. At least Jessica Rabbit and "Hello Nurse" were drawn to be sexy, while Lois and Marge were drawn to fit into the maternal role. Admittedly though, Lois is definitely closer to being sexually appealing than Marge is. 3. WHY?!! Why would you put either one of them in Playboy Magazine...especially Marge?!! If I wanted to look at Playboy, I'd be looking at it for REAL-LIFE girls...not Marge Simpson. Also, to paraphrase the Nerd..."They're NOT REAL! Stop pretending that they're fucking real!"

7. Yaoi: OK...everyone saw this one coming a mile away. First of all, let me make two things perfectly clear. 1. I don't hate yaoi...I just don't care for it. 2. I'm not like some asshole such as Fred Phelps or those other "religious" jackasses who despises homosexuality, I just don't have any preference for it. Although, there are a few rare instances where I do make some sort of indirect reference to it in stories...though I will never ever go into detail with it.

6. Political Satire: Y'know, there's already enough of this shit floating around, with stuff like Family Guy, The Simpsons, American Dad, just to name a few examples. I don't need nor do I want to do this kind of crap. I consider myself to be independent, with no real loyalty to either side since I think that they're BOTH flawed. Besides, I get riled up enough during campaign season when I'm bombarded with about eight hours of fucking political ads just so I can watch 5 minutes of football. Political ads should be BANNED during broadcast of sporting events. People who tune in don't give a rat's ass about the nine million ads shown throughout the game, they care about the fucking game.

5. Pleasure Bon Bon: Here's something that you'd be surprised to see on this list, but it's here...but it's not because I dislike it. Far from it, I actually enjoy PBB...a lot and this may actually be one thing that I may change my mind on in the future. The main reason why I don't want to do this is because I'm not sure if I'd be able to do any justice to the series/characters if I did...even if I do find them to be sexually appealing. If I can find a way around it, I may change my mind about it, but for now I have to say no.

4. Vore (of all kinds): No...I do not find eating/getting eaten by others to be sexually stimulating...at all, and this is coming from someone who has a mate who is interested in this kind of stuff. However, that being said, this is merely my opinion that I'm stating here and if I don't feel comfortable about it then I don't want to do it. Sapphire and I have an understanding about it and while I personally don't care for vore, I don't give hir a hard time about it either. If that's what certain people like, that's fine, but as for me...the only things that I want to stick into my mouth are from things that are already dead.

3. Guro (again of all kinds): What exactly is sexually appealing about someone getting mutilated, decapitated, or vivisected. In my opinion...absolutely nothing. That's not saying that I wouldn't do stories with some level of violence in them. However, the violence level would have to be at a tolerable level and also there would have to be a valid reason for it.

2. Stupid Shit Like This: The people who make this kind of crap are not funny and the people who POST this kind of crap on various sites are not funny, and as the Nostalgia Critic has already indicated...Not Funny + Not Funny = NOT FUCKING FUNNY! All the people who do this prove is that 1. they officially have NO life whatsoever, and 2. they are an embarrassment to nature. Yeah, it's not like I'd ever do anything like this garbage to begin with, but I'll mention it here anyway, because I FUCKING HATE IT!

1. "Bathroom Antics" (BKA: Piss and Shit): Of all the things that I will never ever do, this is the one where I put my foot down the hardest. I do not care for this at all, nor do I wish to see, write, or read anything that has this in it. There is zero chance that I will change my mind about this either, so don't even bother asking for it.

REMEMBER...these opinions are my own and are not directed at the people who actually do find certain things on this list appealing. Just because you like something doesn't mean I have to, just as you don't necessarily have to like something that I do.

*: I prefer to use this term rather than the one that sounds similar to an illegal narcotic.

The Dark Knight
Year Released: 2008
Produced By: Warner Brothers
Type of Original Release: Theatrical
Rotten Tomatoes Score/My Grade Equivalent*: 94%/A

Personal Experience: This is a movie that I had originally intended on seeing in movie theaters when it was out. However, due to one thing after another happening over the course of that summer, I never did get that chance. In fact, it wasn't until yesterday that I finally got a chance to watch this movie...so please forgive me if I don't go as in depth with this as I normally would.

Prior to this movie coming out, I did see Batman Begins in the theaters when it was released and I enjoyed that movie immensely. So, when I heard there was a second movie coming out and how much it was getting praised, I knew I had to see this one. Overall, I did enjoy the theme to the movie, it did feel profound at times and there were a number of entertaining moments in this. However, over the course of the movie, I did also discover a few issues that bring it down a little bit. It doesn't affect the movie to a significant extent, but it does hurt my overall opinion about it.

What I liked about the movie

+: The Joker (both incredibly clever and incredibly sadistic and insane at the same time. Seems to fit the mold of the Joker a lot better than some of the other portrayals)
+: The scene where Batman leaps from a building and lands on top of a criminal's getaway van.
+: Morgan Freeman (I'm convinced that just about every movie he's in gets more awesome if he's acting in it)
+: The scene where the two kids are pretending to shoot at cars and the Batmobile comes along, blowing up said cars along the way (albeit a bit cheesy, it's still funny as hell)
+: Aaron Eckhart (I like the way he portrays Harvey Dent/Two-Face in this...I'm not too familiar with his acting, outside of this and The Core, but he seems to do a decent job)
+: Bits of profound thinking scattered throughout the movie (while it's not as deep as some other films, it still brings up significant human dilemmas...especially near the end of the movie)

What pissed me off about this movie
(There's not a whole lot to list here this time around)

-: I HATE Christian Bale's Batman voice, it sounds like he's lost his voice and he's still trying to speak anyway. (Yeah, I know that Batman has a fairly deep and gritty voice, but this goes too far)
-: There are several predictable moments throughout the movie (which for any ordinary action movie is acceptable if the action is good. But, for an action movie that's also trying to invoke a sense of profoundness, it doesn't work as well.
-: There are parts of the movie where it does seem to be too dark (as in the picture quality) for me. I know the movie is called "The Dark Knight", but you don't have to make it that friggin' difficult to see what's going on.

Things that I am questioning after this movie
(Not much to mention here either)

?: Why did they choose Chicago to film it in. After all isn't Gotham supposed to be New York?

CONCLUSION: Overall, this movie is both well-made and entertaining. Did I get the same sense of satisfaction that I did from Batman Begins...well, not quite. I still found that movie more entertaining than this one. Still, it's a solid movie with a great story, great action, and a sense of profoundness.

FINAL GRADE: B+ (I'd recommend watching this movie...it's not the most entertaining film I've ever seen, but it's still very good.)

This is the final movie review of this cycle...the next (regular) movie review is scheduled for 1/22/2011 (Movie Review TBD...stay tuned for the coming review schedule next weekend)

*: Grade equivalent is based on my video game review score system (a 100% fresh rating on RT = a 10.0 score on my system, basically it takes the percentage score and divides by 10)

Due to the fact that the previous replies to the journal must've gotten swallowed up by the Nothing from the Neverending Story or some shit, I am reposting this to give people a second chance. If I had reserved your spot with a female before the replies got eaten, you'll still have that spot. All others will have to re-apply, since I did not get a chance to get to the others before this happened

Also, just as an additional heads-up...I am working on the first Sex Fantasy story as I speak and I'm hopeful to get it up in the next couple of days to give you guys a sample of what to expect. Now...back to our regularly scheduled program, already in progress...

Some of you may know what I'm talking about, but recently I've been thinking about producing a new type of story that would put the reader directly into the spotlight (more of a first person perspective) where you feel as if you're the one having sex with various characters. Sex fantasy stories will in all likelihood be more sex oriented and contain less story leading up to the sex scenes, though I will attempt to create an atmosphere prior to the sex scene beginning.

Anyway, to kick off the new story scene, I've decided to do something a little special. I would like to offer four people to try out the new story style with my characters. There is a limit of one request per character and offers will be done on a first-come, first-serve basis. If you acquire one of the slots, I will contact you via PM with more information. Of course, since these would be with my characters, I wouldn't expect you to instantly want to be in a scene with any of them...so as an added incentive, anyone who volunteers for this, upon completion of the first story will also get to star in another sex fantasy story with any character of THEIR choice (as long as I know who the character is and as long as it doesn't include anything that I wouldn't touch with a 10 foot pole).

Slots (Note: Please read instructions carefully before volunteering)
Please choose ONE and only ONE available character
EDIT: Since the other female slots have already been reserved, I've added two new slots to be filled...but I still want a partner for myself as well

C-PRIME (First FEMALE to apply*)
Charlene: taken by  renaki05
Melissa: taken by  panthercaruso
Hope: taken by  bucephalus
Scarlet** (First MALE to apply)
Abigail**: taken by  lonewolfsega

NOTE: You will be asked what form you want the characters to take in this, please keep that in mind. A list of all the forms of our characters are listed on the main page.

*: While an actual female fursona is preferred, if there are any males who have female characters that want to be used, I may accept that as well.
**: Scarlet is a techno-organic vulpix (who serves Charlene much the same way that Hope serves me. Scarlet has both an anthro and a non-anthro form). Abigail is Melissa's younger sister, looking similar to her only with orange hair and green eyes. Abigail has her normal form and a pikachu form.

Some of you may know what I'm talking about, but recently I've been thinking about producing a new type of story that would put the reader directly into the spotlight (more of a first person perspective) where you feel as if you're the one having sex with various characters. Sex fantasy stories will in all likelihood be more sex oriented and contain less story leading up to the sex scenes, though I will attempt to create an atmosphere prior to the sex scene beginning.

Anyway, to kick off the new story scene, I've decided to do something a little special. I would like to offer four people to try out the new story style with my characters. There is a limit of one request per character and offers will be done on a first-come, first-serve basis. If you acquire one of the slots, I will contact you via PM with more information. Of course, since these would be with my characters, I wouldn't expect you to instantly want to be in a scene with any of them...so as an added incentive, anyone who volunteers for this, upon completion of the first story will also get to star in another sex fantasy story with any character of THEIR choice (as long as I know who the character is and as long as it doesn't include anything that I wouldn't touch with a 10 foot pole).

Slots (Note: Please read instructions carefully before volunteering)
Please choose ONE and only ONE available character

C-PRIME (First FEMALE to apply*)
Charlene (First MALE or FEMALE to apply)
Melissa: taken by  panthercaruso
Hope (First MALE or FEMALE to apply)

NOTE: You will be asked what form you want the characters to take in this, please keep that in mind. A list of all the forms of our characters are listed on the main page.

*: While an actual female fursona is preferred, if there are any males who have female characters that want to be used, I may accept that as well.

Finally, while I was out of town, I finally did beat New Super Mario Bros. Wii, so expect a special review on that game in the coming days. Also, I am going to be making some changes to the scoring system for future VG reviews starting in 2011, so stay tuned for that as well.

It's just about that time again where I'm going out of town for a few days for Christmas. As of right now, it would appear that I will be leaving sometime on Thursday and coming home on Sunday. While the return date is unlikely to change, it is possible that the date where I will be leaving could change. If there is a change, I will let you guys know about it ahead of time, otherwise assume that this schedule will be what happens.

Also, so far I haven't gotten any spots filled for any of my VG or Movie reviews as well as for the 2011 Favorite Furry Female drive and I wanted to remind you that I'm still open for suggestions in all three categories.

Video Game Suggestions

> Chip 'n Dale's Rescue Rangers (jade_styx)

Movie Suggestions
(1 idea under consideration)

> None as of yet

2011 Favorite Furry Females
(1 idea is under consideration)

1. OPEN
2. OPEN
3. OPEN

Spy Hunter
Year Produced: 1983
Publisher/Developer: Midway
Game Style: Racing
Additional information: Because I no longer have the NES version of the game on me, I will be reviewing the Arcade version on the Midway's Arcade Treasures disc for Gamecube. I did attempt to find the NES version online, but was unable to do so. Please note that my gameplay score will reflect that of the Gamecube version, I have not played the arcade cabinet so I cannot judge something that I have never played.
Sample Video of Gameplay: CLICK HERE

Plot: As a special agent, you're driving the G-6155 on a mission to take out all of the spies and other hoodlums on the road while also trying to avoid innocent civilians along the way. If you get far enough into the game, you'll also get to drive a boat doing much of the same.

Personal Experience: Much like Rush 'n Attack, Spy Hunter was one of the first NES games I had ever received...it was my 7th or 8th birthday when I got this. Initially, when I played the game for the NES, I wasn't too particularly impressed. The game seemed to be a bit repetitive at first and it didn't have the same appeal as some other games I played back then (I.E.: Super Mario Bros., Zelda, Rush 'n Attack, just to name a few). However, as I got better at the game, it seemed to be a little less repetitive once the scenery changed and new elements/enemies were introduced. Still, even with all of that being said, I still didn't really care a whole lot about the game and it went unplayed for years until it finally vanished to parts unknown from my collection.

It would be about 20 years before I'd play Spy Hunter again...this time the Arcade version using the Gamecube (and more recently the Wii). I did find that once I got used to the Gamecube's control scheme, the game did seem a little more interesting in arcade form than in the NES port, but it still had the issues with being repetitive.

Things I liked about this game

+: The Smokescreen and Oil Slick power-ups (very useful when you have asshole drivers on your tail)
+: Infinite Lives...until your 999 second timer runs out, then you're on your own (gives players a chance to earn points before they risk getting game over...I'll explain a little more about this in a little bit)
+: The concept of the game (Shooting at spies and villains while driving a fast car and trying to avoid innocents sounds very James Bond-esque)
+: Infinite special weapons ammo (as long as you don't die once you obtain the item)

Things that frustrated me about the game

-: Getting used to the controls (Remember, I played the game on a Gamecube controller...it's not exactly the best set-up for controlling your car. I'm sure the arcade version is better)
-: The music (while the quality for that time was very good, it got repetitive and obnoxious after a while)
-: The game's repetitive feel (While not as bad as in the NES port from what I remember of it, it still keeps a bit repetitive after a while)
-: The civilian drivers (They can be a real nuisance when they block your path and your only choice is to shoot them anyway. The game doesn't really penalize you for shooting an innocent driver except for temporarily stopping you from earning points)

Things that confused me from the game

?: Why do you need to earn 10,000 points before the timer runs out to earn an extra life when there are also bonus life point levels in the game?

CONCLUSION: Of the early racing-type games, this is probably one of the best ones that was made (Pre-NES that is) and back in the 80's it was easy to see why this was popular. Now, with better quality games of a similar nature this game doesn't seem to pack as much spunk as it once did. The game itself is not bad, it's just repetitive and a bit difficult to control if you're playing it on the Gamecube.

Graphics: 7 (Very Good for 1983 standards, but there are games from that era that are better graphically)
Music: 4 (Decent quality, but repetitive in nature)
Story: 7 (I love the idea behind the game...it probably would've been better just to wait a few more years before executing it, like around the SNES/Genesis era)
Gameplay: 6 (Controls take some time to adapt to on a Gamecube controller, but it functions well enough once you do)
Replay Factor: 5 (The game can get repetitive at times and personally I find it kinda "meh". I know that there are better games out there that are more interesting than this, but it's still worth playing every now and then...if nothing else than for nostalgia)

FINAL GRADE: 5.9/C+ (Might be worth playing if you can find the actual arcade version or if you're curious...but there are better games of the type out there)


This is the final Video Game review of this cycle, the next one is tentatively scheduled for 1/15/2011. Also, since next week I will be out of town for Christmas, the next (regular) movie review will be on New Year's Day when I review the Dark Knight.

Well, Mother Nature must love taking a shit all over Minnesota this year. If the heavy ass rain and Texas-like tornado outbreaks weren't bad enough back during the summer, now we have a huge ass snowstorm that is the icing on the cake. I've lived in Minnesota all my life and this is almost as bad as I've ever had to deal with, the only thing that I can think of that is worse than this would be the infamous Halloween blizzard back in 1991. I might talk more about that at a future date, let me tell you that trick or treating that night was one hell of an experience. It was so bad that we've got a huge ass snow drift in our yard that has to be at least 4 feet high in spots and the snow was so deep last night when I went out that there was a time where I had to get down on my hands and knees and crawl my way out of the deepest part of the snow. The only real positive that came out of this is that it happened on a weekend and that I needed the time to rest up after being sick all last week anyway. Still, it's friggin' annoying. >:(

Anyway, now that I've gotten that rant out of the way, it's time once again to start new Video Game and Movie suggestion drives.

Video Game Suggestion Drive Rules...

> Up to 3 suggestions per person per drive (unless I shoot down all of them, then you can suggest up to 3 more)
> Games can either be good or absolutely shitty...HOWEVER, if you do suggest a shitty game, make sure that AVGN didn't already review it...I would prefer not to review any of the games he already did unless I feel it's totally necessary (and these will be decisions I make on my own).
> Arcade Games are allowed...though I haven't played a great deal of arcade games in the past...especially since Marvel v. Capcom 2. Any arcade game made after MvC 2 is automatically ineligible since I have likely not played it.
> Pinball games (whether classic or on a game console) are not allowed. Don't get me wrong, I like pinball, but these are strictly VG reviews and pinball isn't quite what I would consider a "video game".
> Make sure and choose games from consoles that I have played sufficiently, see list below.
> I only review games that I have played enough to form a good opinion about it, so if I haven't played a game (or played it enough), I cannot review it.

Game Consoles that I'm familiar with and/or already own (Go ahead and suggest any game you can think of...though there is no guarantee that I've played it)

> Atari 2600
> NES
> Sega Genesis
> Super Nintendo
> Gamecube
> Nintendo DS
> PC Games (No WoW or related games...sorry, but I don't have time to play intensive games like that, my time is somewhat stretched between projects as it is)

Game Consoles that I've played some and might have ideas about certain games (ask me about a certain game before you suggest it)

> Game Boy
> Game Boy Advance (on my DS)
> Dreamcast
> Playstation 1 and 2
> Wii NEW! (Very limited)

Game Consoles that I have either never played before or have played very little (please do not suggest any games from this list)

> Intellivision (a little bit before my time)
> Colecovision (same as Intellivision)
> Sega Master System
> Game Gear
> Atari Lynx
> 3DO
> CD-I (This system sucks anyway)
> Playstation 3*
> Sega CD
> Sega 32X
> Atari Jaguar
> TurboGraphix 16
> N64
> XBox & XBox360* (I ain't giving Bill Gates any more of my money for a VG system...with VG consoles I do have a choice and I choose not to buy from Microsoft. Nothing personal to those who have an XBox or XBox360, it's just that it is personal geared towards Microsoft.)

*: I do intend on getting a PS3 next summer. I also intend on buying a 3DS at some point once it's been out in the US for a while.

Movie Suggestion Drive Rules...

> You may suggest as many movies as you wish until I approve one of your suggestions...but there is a limit of five suggestions per comment and you must wait until I respond before you can suggest any more.
> There is a limit of one APPROVED suggestion per drive per person (I do not have as much time to watch movies as I do to play video games...plus, I don't want to get swamped with requests)
> Movie suggestions can be either on current movies or about movies that are already released on DVD.
> Made for TV movies are allowed, but I will only seriously consider them # I have an interest in seeing the movie and B: I've already seen the movie.
> All movies must be easily accessible to me (in case I haven't already seen it). I do not have the same resources as someone like the Cinema Snob or the Nostalgia Critic does, so I can't do really obscure movies all that much
> There are restrictions to what can and cannot be suggested (there are some movies that I don't want to even touch for one reason or another...see below for more information).

BLACK LIST...Yeah, I know it's red (Don't bother asking me for any of the following)

> Anything with Will Ferrell (I do not like him)
> Anything that has already been reviewed by the Cinema Snob (A: I do not have the same access to the kinds of movies he does and B: I'd much rather watch his reviews than review said movies if I did)
> Anything by Uwe Boll (Damn you Uwe Boll!)
> Jackass 1 or 2
> Any of the Twilight Movies (No...just no...DO NOT WANT!)
> Any romantic comedy (I'm a dude...these types of movies do not interest me in the slightest)
> Anything Foreign (exceptions: If it's dubbed in English or has English sub-titles AND I can easily find it, I may consider it)
> The Room (for a reason why this is on the black list...Watch this and you'll know why)

GRAY LIST...er, Yellow (You CAN ask for movies in these categories, but don't be surprised if I say no to most of these).

> Anything with Adam Sandler (I'm not exactly fond of him...but my opinion of him is slightly better than that of Will Ferrell).
> Anything that has (or will be) reviewed by the Nostalgia Critic (A: I want to try and avoid movies that he's already done...unless I've seen them too and have a strong enough opinion about it and B: Like the Cinema Snob, it's much more entertaining to watch his movies than to write a review about the same movie...most of the time).
> Anything that has CGI Animals of any kind (*gives the flaming "fuck you" middle finger to a certain movie in this category that will remain nameless*)
> Any sequel to a Disney Animated movie (most of them suck balls and are nothing more than feeble attempts to cash-in on a more known and more beloved feature film)
> Any comedy movie made after the mid-1990's (I'm not very fond of comedies released in the last 15 years or so)
> Any "Family" movie that has people in it who SHOULDN'T be in family movies (I.E.: The Rock, Jackie Chan...WTF has happened to you two?!! You used to be bad asses, now you're just a joke.)
> Any movie based on a video game (most of these suck balls)
> Any movie based on a TV show or Cartoon (unlike the VG-based movies, there do exist decent ones in this category...though most of them are mediocre at best).

NOTE: Because you can only have one approved movie suggestion per drive, movie suggestions are worth 2 points.

Accepted Ideas (so far)

VG Suggestions

None...yet

Movie Suggestions

None...yet

DEADLINE TO MAKE SUGGESTIONS: 1/10/2011 (My 31st Birthday)...my intentions are to keep going with this as much as possible until the baseball season starts again.

Suggestion Points (3 pts = 1 free $5 story commission...10 points = 1 free mini-series commission if you choose to save your points for this instead)

 thewanderingpikachu (2 points)
 ihatethathedgehog (1 point)
 jewelwriter (2 points)
jade_styx (1 point)

The weather outside is shitty around here and to top that off, I've been feeling shitty all week...though I am finally starting to feel a bit better. Still, considering that it's snowy as fuck outside today and it'll be cold as fuck tomorrow, this is a pretty good weekend to stay indoors and watch some TV. Unfortunately, one of the things that I've watched was the movie based on one of my personal favorite comic strips. No, it's not Marmaduke...I could care less about that comic strip, and the movie based on the comic strip can go fuck itself, as I have mentioned repeatedly in the last six months. I'm talking about Garfield, one of the most famous comic strip characters of all time and unlike Marmaduke, actually has a legitimate reason to have a movie based on it. How exactly do I feel about the movie, well...look below to find out.

Garfield: The Movie
Year Released: 2004
Produced By: 20th Century Fox
Type of Original Release: Theatrical
Rotten Tomatoes Score/My Grade Equivalent*: 14%/F

Personal Experience: This is a movie that I have never seen prior to last weekend, I watched it once to get a bit of a preview of it and then I watched it a second time last night when I got home from work to get more of the feel of the movie and see if I had missed anything the first time. Let me just state this for the record, I did not want this movie...I did not give a rat's ass about this movie when I heard it was coming out. Sure, I like Garfield, but I was well aware of what Hollywood has done to beloved franchises of my youth (*points to the atrocity that is Ninja Turtles III for a good example*). I actually received this movie as a Christmas present from my little brother (who has a good enough heart but is prone to making ill-advised decisions that I won't bore you all with) and I hadn't really intended on watching it at all until I decided to start doing movie reviews.

To be perfectly honest, I expected to loathe this movie. I thought it was going to be incredibly stupid and pointless and take a shit on another thing that I loved from my childhood. However, while I'm still being honest, it actually didn't seem as bad as I thought it would be. Yeah, there were its fair share of stupid moments, but considering some of the other movies supposedly for kids that has come out featuring talking CGI animals and real animals with that idiotic effect to make them look like they're talking, it actually is seemingly harmless in comparison. The plot of the movie is pretty much what you'd expect from a movie like this, stupid but cute Odie is taken in by some asshole who wants to make him a performing dog and Garfield realizing how much he needs Odie goes and tries and gets his "friend" back (and I put that in quotes since we all know how Garfield is to Odie 99% of the time).

What I liked about the movie

+: There are a few occasions where the humor is genuinely funny and is reminiscent of what you'd find in the Garfield comic strip. These are few and far between, but they do exist.
+: CGI Garfield doesn't look half bad...although to be honest some of the things they have him do in this disturbs me a little.
+: Thank god they used a real dog for Odie...without that stupid CG effect of making him speak. Also, the dog playing Odie's role (while not completely looking like his cartoon counterpart) is adorable.
+: Pooky is perfectly represented in the movie as a prop and shows that the creators of the movie actually tried to incorporate elements of the comic into the movie

What pissed me off about this movie

-: NERMAL IS NOT SIAMESE...(*the following rant is directed at the makers of this movie* Hey geniuses, THIS is what Nermal looks like. He's a gray tabby cat not a friggin' siamese. Also, Nermal's supposed to be a fucking kitten, not an adult cat. Couldn't you at least get something right with him?)
-: As I've mentioned before, the CG effects of having real animals speaking is incredibly idiotic and very unrealistic. You can get away with having Garfield speaking since he's 100% CG, but not the real dogs, cats, rats, etc.
-: THE FUCKING AD PLACEMENT IN THE MOVIE (Sure, you may be able to get away with Petco, since it's a movie based on animals...but the others are unnecessary and stupid. Wendy's, Wal-Mart, and Pepsi are the worst offenders. By the way, I saw that case of Pepsi Blue back there, and if you ever come across it, maybe this will scare you off drinking it.
-: Bill Murray =/= Lorenzo Music (For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, Lorenzo Music was the original voice for Garfield during the cartoons of the 80's and 90's...he also provided the voice for the cartoon version of Peter Venkman on The Real Ghostbusters. That in mind, Bill Murray was the actor who played the live action Peter in the two Ghostbuster movies and did a decent job of it there. The problem is in this, he still sounds like he's trying to act like Venkman and not Garfield. Yes, I am aware that by the time the movie came out that Lorenzo Music had passed away, but they still could've done a better job of finding a voice actor that better matched the cartoon Garfield)
-: As you'd expect, the plot is pretty much cliched and unimaginative
-: Having unnecessary cartoonish sound FX at certain points in the movie
-: The way they wrote Jon in this movie had him written as less of a loser than he's supposed to be in the comics and the cartoon. (He is supposed to be a loser...that's what makes his character funny...especially when he interacts with Garfield)
-: That "New Dog State of Mind" song (not as stupid as Cowabarka from Marmaduke, but it ranks pretty high up there in stupidity. Since I can't find a clip of it on Youtube, I'll just quote a line from Garfield himself. "The person who came up with this song should be dragged out into the street and be shot...or worse, made to listen to this song")

Things that I am questioning after this movie

?: I've heard some rumors or something that there was some gay innuendo in this movie (particularly involving Nermal)...I don't remember where I heard it, but after watching it twice, I didn't see any of that. Is this just some stupid rumor or is there real merit to it. (DISCLAIMER: I could care less about what Nermal's or anyone's sexual preference is, as long as people keep their private lives private then it's not really anyone's business)
?: Why did they go and literally call the city where the movie is based on "The City"...couldn't you just pick a location and stick with it?

CONCLUSION: This movie is stupid at times and generally boring. Although it does have a few bits of genuine amusement in it as well and is not as big of an atrocity as Ninja Turtles III was. Also, I didn't really notice anything too risque in this movie for younger kids, so for them, the movie might be OK to watch...but for the majority of us, I would not recommend it.

FINAL GRADE: D (Might be acceptable for kids, but for everyone else, I'd stick with the comic strips or Garfield and Friends...where you can find episodes of it on Youtube)

After seeing three sub-par movies in a row...two of which I have never seen until recently (Last Airbender** and Garfield), I'm feeling like I need to get something good back into my system. So, next time I'm reviewing another movie I've never seen before...a movie that has been widely regarded as one of the best movies of its genre and one that I wanted to go see in the movie theater, but never managed to get to it while it was playing.

Next (regular) movie review: The Dark Knight (on 1/1/2011)
Next Week's Review: Spy Hunter

*: Grade equivalent is based on my video game review score system (a 100% fresh rating on RT = a 10.0 score on my system, basically it takes the percentage score and divides by 10)
**: Expect a special review on this movie in the coming days

Rush 'n Attack
Year Produced: 1987
Publisher/Developer: Konami
Game Style: Side-Scoller/Platformer
Additional information: I'm reviewing the NES port of the original arcade game. For the record, the arcade game is titled Green Beret...but I'll get to that shortly.
Sample Video of Gameplay: CLICK HERE

Plot: As a Green Beret (although your outfit is actually blue or red...depending on which player you're controlling) you're sent behind enemy lines to take out the enemy's secret weapon (which happens to be a nuclear missle). Armed only with a knife...and the occasional power-ups, you have to fight through scores of foot soldiers, some of them who can jump up and kick you karate-style and some armed with guns or other weapons as you try to achieve your mission objective.

Personal Experience: Rush 'n Attack was one of the first NES games I had received when I was growing up. I believe it was a Christmas present if I'm not mistaken, but I could be wrong. Anyway...when I first played through the game, using one player, I found the game to be difficult and a bit frustrating. Every time I ended up dying, I would get sent back a ways...but I'll get back to that in a little bit. However, once I found out that you get temporary invincibility when you die in 2 player mode I started to play one player games in two player mode. *evil grin* Through this as well as practice, I slowly got better at the game and eventually was able to beat it after a couple of years of trying. This game didn't give me the same kind of fits that the Yellow Devil from Mega Man gave me, but it was still a challenge.

Things I liked about this game

+: The music for the final stage (This is what final stage music sounds like...granted, it's not as Epic as Dr. Wily's Skull Castle 1 and 2 from Mega Man 2)
+: The anthems in between each stage from various countries around the world (the only ones that I could recognize off hand were the French one and of course the Star-Spangled Banner...so I'm guessing that's what they did there)
+: The bazooka (not only does it take out those friggin' landmines, but it also goes through anything in its path...it's a shame that you only get three shots per bazooka)
+: Temporary invincibility in 2 player mode (This is highly useful and I recommend playing the game in 2 player mode every time...even if you're only playing by yourself, it'll make life easier...trust me)

Things that frustrated me about the game

-: Getting used to the controls (This is a game where Up is used to not only go up ladders, but to jump as well. Yeah, I know it's an NES game...but it seems odd to have two buttons devoted towards weapons and having to use Up to jump. It takes a while to get used to and quite frankly, outside of a fighting game, Up should not be used for jumping)
-: Why do you only get three shots of your bazooka or three grenades. (Even if you have some left over when you pick up more, you still only get three shots. At least have remaining shots carry over to the next time you pick up the item if you don't use it).
-: Getting sent back if you die in one player mode. (Yeah, I know that there are checkpoints on each level and you don't get sent back all the way...but it's still a bit annoying, especially when you can pick up where you left off and have temporary invincibility in 2 player mode)
-: Those friggin' landmines (I hate having to leap frog these bastards with guys trying to kill me at the same time...it's really annoying and without the bazooka, invincibility, or grenades, it's a challenge).
-: The jump kicking guys that come up behind you (These motherfuckers were the bane of my existence as a kid. With the ones coming towards you, all you have to do is stab them when they jump up or keep moving and they won't hit you, but the ones who come up behind you...they can be a pain in the ass.
-: The title (Rush 'n Attack? Seriously? Did you really have to incorporate the Cold War into a friggin' NES game? Especially when the game was originally titled Green Beret. What's wrong with calling it Green Beret? It probably would've made for a better storyline if they left the title alone...then you could assume that you're fighting against a terrorist organization or something like that and you alone have the power to stop them and save the world. Instead, for some reason, Konami decided to imply that you're fighting against the russians. Shit like this has no place in a video game intended for kids...maybe in one intended for adults, but not grade-school kids)

Things that confused me from the game

?: Why is part of the Player 2 score missing whenever you play in 2 player mode?
?: What the hell is that one soldier that says "Oh" doing during the end credits?
?: For that matter...what is the point of that whole parade of soldiers during the credits, the ending with the building exploding and you running from the explosion was fine as it was...you didn't need to add anymore than that.

CONCLUSION: The game's not bad, but it is a bit frustrating...especially when you're trying to get used to having Up being jump and that you get sent back when you die in one player mode. It'll take you a while to get used to the controls and the difficulty, but when you do, the game can be enjoyable.

Graphics: 7 (Similar to Castlevania in graphics quality, but not as good as Contra)
Music: 6 (Although two of the themes are repeated several times during the game, the quality is good overall and the final stage's theme is awesome)
Story: 5 (There was no need to bring the Cold War into the game...it would've been fine without the implied reference and I would've given this a higher score if it hadn't)
Gameplay: 7 (Once you get used to the controls, the game plays fairly well and is quite engaging)
Intangibles: 3 (Aside from where the building blows up at the end, there's not much that stands out for me about the game. The parade of soldiers during the credit scene seems un-necessary and pointless, except for the very end where the soldiers give the salute)

FINAL GRADE: 6.0/B- (I wouldn't recommend buying this game unless it's cheap or you're really into this type of game. But, if you're able to find a cartridge, it's at least worth playing through for curiousity. Again, it's not bad...it's just not that impressive to me)


Next VG Review: Spy Hunter
Next Week's Review: Garfield (The Movie)

Well, I'm back from Thanksgiving and I'm almost ready to get back in the mood to do reviews. I'll be starting the suggestion drives for future video game/movie reviews here in the next week or so, so be sure and look out for that. What I am going to start now is a new drive for the next class of favorite furry females. In case you've forgotten since the last time I did this, here are the rules for it.

> No anthro or non-anthro pokemon (Sorry, but I do enough of those as it is, I'd like something not pokemon-related for this)
> Non-anthro characters are allowed
> No famous furry females that I've already done before as a part of this (either from 2009 or 2010)
> No PBB females (Though I would love to do a story with a PBB female...especially Betty, I don't know if I could do it in a way that would be acceptable enough to ask Ms. Santato for permission to do it)
> Only one (accepted) idea per customer
> Rule 63 is allowed...but only in certain circumstances...I reserve the right to say "no" if it's someone who I'd rather not rule 63.
> I must have heard of that specific female in the past...somehow. If I don't know who it is, I won't do it...and if I do know somewhat of who you're talking about but don't have enough information, I cannot do it unless you provide me with information about them.
> No personal characters (exception: if the character is in a well-known comic or story, then it may be allowed...but you may need to provide proof of the character's popularity to convince me to consider it).
> No raposa characters (Sorry, but I'd prefer to think of Rapo stories on my own right now).
> Once I have selected three characters, I will not accept any more suggestions until the next time I do this.
> All characters chosen from this list will be done after the current list is completed.

Slots (once all three are full, this will be closed)

1. OPEN
2. OPEN
3. OPEN

DEADLINE: 1/8/2011...or until all spots are filled, whichever occurs first.

Also, I've been doing a little bit of thinking about having to cancel the story about Maid Marian and I think I've found a way to make up for it. If you'd like, I could have your character written into a short sex story with Maid Marian...to do this, all you need to do is tell me why you like Maid Marian, what you'd like to do with her if you could, and what kind of scene you'd like in at least four complete sentences...but no more than 3 paragraphs worth (approx. 15 sentences) and whoever gives the best response will win the prize.

# Although no one took a chance on it while I was away, the phrase came from the show Roundhouse, as it was spoken by the guy who imitated the classroom speaker on the show.

I'm going to be leaving here later today for Thanksgiving and I will not be back until Saturday afternoon, so I won't be around to answer comments, etc. for a few days. Also, there will be NO Movie or Video Game review this weekend as I mentioned on the schedule a while back. The next one of these will be next weekend when I do Rush 'n Attack.

Speaking of video game/movie reviews, I will also open up a suggestion drive when I get home as well for the next batch of reviews once the current one is finished...I'll get to that more in a few days. Plus, there will also be something else coming later this week as well...but I'm not going to say what at this time.

Anyway, I'm getting outta here...I need a break from all the work and city life for a few days and actually have some friggin' peace and quiet that I both need and deserve. Oh, and be sure to take a peek at the new story I just put up a little bit ago ;3

# If anyone can guess where the phrase from the Subject line came from before I get back, you'll win a free miniseries commission (only the first one who guesses correctly will win it...if anyone, and I will be checking times/dates if I have to).

Well...I just watched Turtles III for the first time in over 15 years and...IT SUCKS JUST AS MUCH ASS AS IT DID BACK THEN. In fact, I think it's even WORSE as a whole now than I did back then. As I am writing this, I'm listening to James Rolfe's rant on Turtles III (and if you haven't seen it, here are the links for Part 1 and Part 2). I've seen dozens of episodes of the Nostalgia Critic, The Cinema Snob, Bad Movie Beatdown and various other online internet reviewers and as a movie, it's one of the worst movies I've ever seen...at least that was a main-stream theatrical release. Anyway, that's enough of that...now I'll get to the part where I explain how awful this fucking movie is.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III
Year Released: 1993
Produced By: New Line Cinema
Type of Original Release: Theatrical
Rotten Tomatoes Score/My Grade Equivalent*: 29%/D

Personal Experience: To be honest, after the second movie came out I never expected there to be a third movie in the series, especially considering that Shredder was killed off at the end of the second movie. However, when I saw there was a third movie I was eager to see it. It wasn't until it was released on VHS when I finally got to see it and when I saw it then, I wished I hadn't. The movie is an insult to the Turtles franchise. Sure, I can buy the theory of the Turtles going back in time, that's not unusual for them. However, I expect there to be a reason RELEVANT TO THE FRANCHISE for them to do so, not some ancient feudal war B.S. If I want to watch something about feudal Japan with demons in it, I'll watch Inuyasha!

Anyway, I had completely cleansed myself of this movie until I had purchased the box set last year containing all three of them. I groaned to the fact that the third movie was included. However, having the first two in it made it worth having to put up with having the third movie included as well. But, until I decided to do an actual review on it, I had no intention on ever watching that movie again...it was as if it had sodomized my childhood and marked the beginning of the end of the Ninja Turtles as I knew them. In fact, it pissed me off so much that I literally have labels on the DVD case saying "To be executed as brutally as possible" and "marked for death"...I am not kidding, I really did stick those labels on the DVD case...it's that fucking irritating. Now, all I need to do is think of a way (outside of what James did, since I don't have access to a kitana) that will destroy this godawful movie in a manner that its fitting of a shitty movie of this caliber. However, before I pass final judgment on this, I want to take a better look at the movie and find out what exactly is wrong with it (please note, I noticed many of the same things that James did when he reviewed the movie, it's just that obvious)

What I liked about the movie
Holy shit!!! There's actually something that I liked about this thing?!!

+: Although the dialogue during the fight scenes is incredibly corny and stupid, the choreography for the turtles is still decent.
+: The part where the two guys find Michaelangelo in the village and run away scared was a bit funny (reminded me of the reactions of April in the first movie and Keno in the second)
+: The bar scene with all the Japanese guys dancing and playing video games. (Yes, this is a lot like the night club scene back in Turtles II, it's a bit ridiculous, but it's still funny to watch them act like idiots)

What pissed me off about this movie
Believe me, if I could make the text on the screen drip with blood or burst into flame I would.

-: TOTAL LACK OF RESPECT FOR THE SOURCE MATERIAL (Aside from the turtles, Splinter, April, and Casey Jones...there are NO, I repeat NO major characters from any of the ninja turtles cartoons. No Shredder, No Krang, No other mutants, NONE OF THAT!
-: Most of the dialogue in the movie is INCREDIBLY STUPID (Yeah, there was some stupid dialogue in the first two movies, but this takes it to a whole new level)
-: Aside from the fight scenes with the Turtles and the rare few decent jokes, this movie is incredibly boring (the movie is an hour and a half long, but it felt like it went on longer than that)
-: Compared to the costumes in the first two movies, the Turtles look far worse in this than they do in those. (Although to be fair, I've seen them look a hell of a lot worse. Wow, I'm making a lot of references to other sites with this review)
-: As bad as the turtles look, Splinter looks even worse (but then again, I refer you to how Splinter looked in the Coming Out Of Our Shells video)
-: The voice acting is not as good as in the other movies (especially in the case of Splinter)
-: The guy playing the role of Donatello has a last name of Raposa...and as you all know, THIS is the only raposa I give a damn about. (Sorry, I couldn't resist...although I have to admit, after writing this review, this did give me a sense of calm...even though human-style raposa =/= the raposa from the damn games)

Things that I am questioning after this movie

?: Why was this movie made?
?: Why the hell was this movie made?
?: Why the hell was this FUCKING "movie" made?!! ('nuff said)

CONCLUSION: As I said before, the idea of sending the Turtles back in time is not far-fetched...but you'd better make damn sure that either Shredder and/or Krang are behind it in some way. As it stands as it is, this movie is horrible. It's stupid, it's boring, and it completely rapes the Turtles franchise as it stood in the 80's and 90's. I blame this movie for the death of the Ninja Turtles and the cancellation of its cartoon series. This movie did to the Ninja Turtles what the E.T. video game did to the video game industry pre-NES. Still, to be completely fair...I have seen worse examples of how Hollywood has totally violated a beloved television/comic franchise (*cough* Dragonball Evolution). This film blows, the first two movies were at least entertaining, but this movie has almost none of that same charm.

FINAL GRADE: F (Yeah...I think this Youtube Clip sums it all up quite nicely. Still, I didn't have the heart to give it a "Super F" since as I mentioned this isn't the worst example of a beloved franchise being shit upon that I've ever seen)

Wow...after all that and finding all those video clips and such, I need a break from reviews. Luckily I'm going out of town next week so I don't have to see anymore shitty movies for a while (except for maybe The Last Airbender...and that would be mainly to laugh at the Penis Hair and see how dumb the editors were for leaving it in the fucking movie). Anyway, the next movie review will be in 3 weeks, when I'll take on something that I actually haven't watched yet...Garfield

*: Grade equivalent is based on my video game review score system (a 100% fresh rating on RT = a 10.0 score on my system, basically it takes the percentage score and divides by 10)