You know, I swore to myself 4 years ago that I would never let myself fall for someone who could not return my feelings. Well guys, never is biting me in the ass. I have fallen for a very special feline and to be honest, I want nothing more than for him to be happy. Even if its not with me.

I can't help the way I feel. He is nice, kind, sweethearted, smart as all hell, got a body that just rocks, and treats like Im the best puppy in the world. Yea, we have moments that suck, but overall he is worth all this pain. I can feel it that he is worth this. I wish I could be that person for him, but he is still tied to someone from his past. It took so long for me to get over Wolfpack, and I know that he needs that same time to do it too, but.... I just want to be with him, and its making me so sad that I can't be.

What to do about my heart... What do you do when your heart is breaking over an over. I don't think I can take someone telling me Im better brother material or friend material than a mate. I didn't realize until just recently that I do want a meaningful relationship. I have been hiding for so long. I want that special relationship with someone, and I wish it was him. Oh if you only knew him, and some of you do. I just don't understand how I could let myself fall so far...

I really wish I had an answer to my problem, and a solution to my heart.

http://www.playlist.com/searchbeta/.....sick%20puppies

http://www.playlist.com/searchbeta/.....l%20Distortion

http://www.playlist.com/searchbeta/.....20days%20grace

These songs are the signal to my depression. I find that listening to them helps me understand why I feel the way I feel. Im doing better, but not at all good yet. I have a lot of work and it will take a long time before I am fully ok if I can be fully ok again. I don't even remember what its like to be 100% anymore. Its sad, but I am trying. Everyone keeps asking me to explain, well this is my way of doing just that.

So, I realize whats going on with me, and I am really ready to be done with it, but there is a bunch of shit in my box and it's been overfilling for a long time now. Its like everything that's happened in the last 17 years is all coming back to me, and I really cannot handle some of it. I have started remembering things I haven't thought about in 10 years and it's scary as all fucking get out.

How would you handle it? I tried to talk to couple people, but it didn't pan out for me. I really don't want to see a shrink again. My brother is far to far away to help, and my parents don't even know half of whats going on cause they would try to haul me back, and I cannot go back there... Cannot.!

My shrink says that I should continue to try and talk to someone, and said I should continue trying a certain someone, but I don't know. So I am asking you all for advice here... I always come here when I need advice and its nice to hear everyones opinions an views. So let's have it people, err I mean furrie peoples. lol

I am having huge emotional issues and could use some advice. If you wanna try an lend a hand you can add my yahoo at: Link_Drako_zelda@yahoo.com, or note me on here. I'll explain. What I need are opinions from my friends on what you think about this situation I am in.

Just note or add my yahoo and I will talk there.

Well, I think I have hit rock bottom finally. I haven't slept in almost a week due to stress from school, not being able to get the loans I need, my grades slipping due to depression/stress, and I am going to be hospitalized due to sleep deprivation. Pretty sure the only way it can get worse is if I die, and from the looks of what can happen without sleep, its a possibility.

I have no clue what to do. I can't afford the ER visit (Im already in debt from school), and I can't afford to not be looking for work. There are very few things that help me to sleep and I can't have any of them atm. I am having panic attacks, dizzy spells, and I still walk to school everyday to try and finish my last year.

All I have ever wanted to do was this. Get my degree and build games, and programs. Thats it. I feel helpless and pathetic to be honest. I have no options left other than this. If I go back to Florida, I will just go right back to the old ways, and end up permanently hospitalized instead of just a visit.

I can't find work cause of the mistakes I made in the past (felon), and I can't get my loan cause the economy is so screwed no one can co-sign for it. I had someone with an almost clean credit record get denied for it. So, I ask all of you who care enough to attempt to help.

Any suggestions?

P.S.
My therapist keeps telling me to write this crap but it really isn't helping me feel any better. She is full of shit about the journal thing. : /