I don't even know if anyone cares about where I've been and what's happened, but I still want to talk about it because I want to talk about my current state of mind and I feel like it's important.
So.
Back in March I suffered from (I assume) burnout. If not that, then certainly the worst depression I've ever been in. I couldn't keep up with the work I had to keep taking on to pay my bills. Essentially stuck in a cycle of constant worry and feeling overwhelmed. Drawing had become something I didn't do because I liked it but because I had to. It wasn't even "drawing" to me anymore, it was just "work".
In the end it got so bad I felt physically revolted by the thought of drawing.
I almost went completely bankrupt, despite the help of some very generous and kind, patient folk who kept supporting me and keep supporting me (you know who you are, love ya). Even my parents had to help me out and that sent me even deeper into crisis. If I couldn't even support myself anymore doing what I was supposed to like, what was the point?
That is one part of it.
The other is that I'm turning 40 this year, this month in fact (Nov 2025). I know it's probably not that big of a deal, and supposedly no longer the halfway point with people living longer. But in my mind it still is, somewhere. The big 4. And I look back at my life and I feel like I haven't achieved much, not really.
I've been working freelance for almost 13 years now. I've managed to survive, but that's all I've done. I haven't managed to save up any money, I haven't found a partner. I still worry weekly about my bills and the only way I can go on holiday is if someone invites me.
As an artist, I haven't built a legacy. I haven't left a greater impression, I haven't created something that people can point to that is uniquely me.
The most engagement and discourse I had was during the heydays of My Little Pony. I had 11k followers on "Ask Velvet" at its peak, people liked my changeling concepts, drawing fanart in general got me lots of likes and comments. I still crave that same high. I still want to interact that much with people. But I want it because of something that *I've* created, not because it's something by someone else that is currently popular. I know I've created something that is me within that fanart sphere, but it's not the same.
I know it's not that easy with not-fanart, but after almost 13 years I'd hoped I'd find something, or at least have more people liking my stuff just because of my style. Since that seems unlikely, I want to find something I can work towards, an ongoing project that reflects how I feel, something that expresses "me". But I also have to find out what I even want to express, or if I even need to find something to express. Maybe I already have it, but it's just not that interesting. Maybe I had it but can't replicate it. Maybe fun is enough. Maybe the internet is not that kind of place anymore. I don't even know anymore, I'm rambling. Maybe surviving is the best I can do.
All I know is...
I spent the better part of the year in a sort of murky daze. No drawing whatsoever. Towards the end of August I began feeling better. Refreshed in some ways. I felt a sort of tugging at my being, prodding me to draw again. I was very cautious because I didn't want to fall back into depression. But after some tests I found that I was having fun again. I've missed this feeling.
The money problems remain the same, but the mental burdens are gone, for now. I hope I can find a way to make my life better, to do more than just survive. The smart thing would probably be to find a second job. People keep telling me. But...I don't want to. I want to be an artist. Despite myself, despite the occasional depression, despite the way this world challenges creative types. I feel a mental compulsion. When I stay away too long from drawing, I feel a physical compulsion even. A feeling that I'm not whole without it.
So there you have it.

Gonna raise my prices soon (maybe end of the week?). Everything's gotten so expensive I just can't keep up anymore. Despite getting new commissions I'm constantly stressed about making enough for my bills or even just food supplies. I just can't keep this up.

.

Well, electricity bill's covered ^^
Would still appreciate more commissions since I need to work towards rent too.

Thought about keeping my twitter account just to redirect people to bluesky (https://bsky.app/profile/carniscorner.bsky.social) but there's no mass delete option and all the external programs for this require some bullshit or money. Actually tried to delete them by hand but it was something like 2500 tweets.
Got down to about 2000 before I noticed I'm actually getting a sore biceps from clicking so fuck this.

Tweetus deletus

Need to make 200€ for groceries and electricity bill on Monday. Anybody want a commission?

Info here:
https://carniscorner.wordpress.com/.....mmission-info/

Ayo, I need to make (at least) 500 for rent at the end of the month, so if anyone's interested in a commission, please check out the info and get in touch with me:
https://carniscorner.wordpress.com/.....mmission-info/

Also ko-fi in case you want to help out with a small amount:
https://ko-fi.com/carnifex

Thanks!

Edit:
150 down, 350 to go!

Edit 2:
Rent covered! Thank you all!

Finally this horrible, horrible summer is over! Now I can finally catch up on commissions.

Speaking of which, I need to make at least a 100 for my electricity bill on Monday so if anybody would like a single full finish character or something like that it'd be super.

Commission info here:
https://carniscorner.wordpress.com/.....mmission-info/

Edit: Bill's covered, thanks everyone! You can still reserve a spot cause I'll need to work towards rent.

Since I haven't heard anything back from support in the two weeks since I sent the ticket, I've made a new account: carniscorner2
Feel free to add me back and delete/block the old one (carniscorner)

Man I needed that! Had a wonderful time.
Coming back to 35°C and Sahara dust winds though...not so cool.
Wish I could continue to take it easy, but alas, bills be looming already.
If you want a commission, please take a look at the info and contact me via email.
Commission info: https://carniscorner.wordpress.com/.....mmission-info/
Cheers everyone!

I've sent a support ticket to Discord, let's see what happens. If you can, please report carniscorner as a hijacked account and will_support28 for impersonation and hijacking.
A compromised account in my friends list sent me a message that they accidentally reported me and that I should contact admins via another account before 2 hour pass and my account gets locked. That account (will_support28) then asked me to change my login email to theirs to protect the account. Because I was in a hurry I didn't read properly and only realized my error after I'd done everything they asked and realized I couldn't log into my account. It is now likely sending the same message to other people. Again, please report if you can.
I ask that anyone who's been talking about commissions with me via discord (only) lately to send me an email so I can get in contact again. The address is in my commission info. Please and thank you.
Now for some good news, I'm going on vacation! (my first vacation in 10 years!) My parents asked me to come along with them to Sweden, so I'll be away until June 29. If anyone wants to reserve a spot for July, please send me an email, cause I'll surely need some commissions when I return.
Hope you all have a pleasant day and fuck scammers. Cheers!

Yo, my discord account (carniscorner) got highjacked so please delete and block the account from your friendslist. I'll make a new one shortly.

Rent's covered, thank you all so much!

Gotta make at least 500 for rent next week. Any help appreciated.
Commission info here:
https://carniscorner.wordpress.com/.....mmission-info/

The bill was covered, thank you all very much!
Now I just gotta work towards rent XD

Since it's now open for everyone:
https://bsky.app/profile/carniscorner.bsky.social

First off, a big thank you to everyone who helped me last time, it's highly appreciated!
I've got an insurance bill of about 160 coming up, so I want to make at least 200 by the end of the week.
Anybody want to help me?

Commission info here:
https://carniscorner.wordpress.com/.....mmission-info/

Surprise electric bill, need new commissions fast.
Anybody interested please check info:
https://carniscorner.wordpress.com/.....mmission-info/

Ko-fi donos appreciated too.
https://ko-fi.com/carnifex

.

Christmas present shopping and an electricity bill are approaching fast. Anybody want a commission?
Info here: https://carniscorner.wordpress.com/.....mmission-info/

I now have a bluesky thanks to ecmajor
carniscorner if anybody wants to follow/connect
Haven't posted anything yet cause I got it just now

How's everyone's summer going? I spent most of July unable to work cause of extreme heat so now I gotta catch up to my bills. If anyone wants a commission that'd be very helpful ^^

Check out the commission info here:
https://carniscorner.wordpress.com/.....mmission-info/

Who wants a commission?
Commission info:
https://carniscorner.wordpress.com/.....mmission-info/
Please send an email.

Alternatively
https://ko-fi.com/carnifex
https://carnifex.gumroad.com/

Thank you.

Edit:
All covered! Thank you so much! You can of course still reserve a spot for next month if you're interested.

Who wants a commission?
Commission info:
https://carniscorner.wordpress.com/.....mmission-info/
Please send an email.

Alternatively donate:
https://ko-fi.com/carnifex

Or buy something from my Gumroad:
https://carnifex.gumroad.com/

Thank you.

Edit:
200 covered! Please keep it coming! If you don't want a commission but know someone who's looking for an artist, please direct them to me if possible ^^

Edit2:
All covered! Thank you all so much! You can of course still send me an email to reserve a spot for later.

Have to up my prices cause I'm usually swamped with work and still steadily losing money each month.
Need to make at least 150€ by next week so if you want a pic or know someone who wants one, check out my commission info:
https://carniscorner.wordpress.com/.....mmission-info/

Other ways to support me:
https://ko-fi.com/carnifex
https://carnifex.gumroad.com/
https://www.patreon.com/carnifex

Thanks for your attention and support!

EDIT:
The 150 are covered, thank you all so much! You can of course still reserve a spot if you want.