My phone remembers all my journal titles, lol.

Anyway, I'm sure as some of you saw, I updated my PayPal. My Venmo and Cashapp are still the same and now I use Zelle. My regular email is my contact for Zelle, crystalrthompson@gmail.com.

If there's other popular payment methods, clue me in. I want to be user friendly when I come back. I'm aiming for March 2025. Why March? I have some hurdles to get past. My anniversary, my birthday and Valentine's Day. Ideally, I'd be ugly crying in a hotel on those days but I don't have money for it lol. Unless my settlement kicks in.

But I wanna thank everyone for all their help this year and the last few. My luck had just declined so rapidly, I never had a chance to catch my breath.

I reconnected with my dad recently and the goal now is for me and my cats to go live with him and his wife. He knows I don't really have local friends to invite over or anything. It's just me and my dark cloud. I think once I'm set up with my own room and a proper desk, commissions will be easier to want to do.

Oh but beware, I rose my prices a little. Between the fucked up economy and me getting too big for my britches, it was inevitable.

I had deactivated my old PayPal because it was tethered to Flickie and I was worried about fraud. My new one is solely in my name now. https://www.paypal.me/cattofthestarrs
Associated email:
crystalrthompson[at]gmail.com

I have taken to Tumblr to for whining about my various mental health issues and being a widow. So if you wanna watch my spiral out alongside embracing my gender/sexuality throw me a follow. And if you alert me as to who you are, I'll add you too.

Also, I'm pretty sure the grief is rapidly aging me. All my physical issues got a lot worse since February. Suddenly. It's possible that moving what little furniture I had from the attic of my in-laws to my mom's apartment also fucked me up but I had help with the heavy shit. It was a lot of back and forth though.

I modified my commission prices. I'm flirting with the idea of resuming them eventually.

Fact is, I need reliable (ish) money sometimes. And while I will eventually get SSI and my settlement, the limbo is killing me.

Here is the new price guide I would be using for future commissions.

As of now I am not open for coms. I haven't decided yet. Art, even my vent works feel so laborious to do. I lost my biggest fan. My biggest supporter.

I lost someone who loved my worst work just as much as my best work, and yet knew how to motivate me to make the best art I can.

Flickie wasn't artistically motivated on his own but he was very much hyped about what I could do. Every piece of art I made during our 20 year story was touched by his influence in some way. It's because of him i switched to digital art in the first place. He research everything I now use like an old pro, and told me that this stuff would be good for my style.

I was initially extremely skeptical. And digital art is a steep learning curve. Although yes, far more forgiving than traditional art. But he pushed me to keep trying. He told me my art looked the way I wanted it to. That the things I drew still made sense.

He fed me ideas. He wanted to see me make things he'd dream up. But he also loved seeing where my mind wanders to.

Do you understand what it feels like to want to draw the person you love so much on a daily basis? I couldn't want to start my next picture of Flickie. I love him and this is my ability to communicate this.

To lose my muse... That was a crippling blow.

It's weird. I have no sexual appetite for anyone else. I was sex-neutral during my marriage. Meaning if we never fucked, I'd be equally ok as I was fucking when we did. We could go long stretches of time without it and then kinda go into seasons where we were doing it more regularly (a few times a week for several months, then back to nothing for 6 months to a year).

But now I'm repulsed by the idea. I mean I always was sex-repulsed prior to our relationship. I even entered it repulsed. It took me 3 years to finally be comfortable with it. And he was perfectly fine waiting. There was never any pressure or threats of him ending the relationship or anything. He viewed this as the "price of admission" and respected that. I think he'd have been comfortable with me being repulsed the whole time.

However... I would be lying if I said I didn't miss him sexually. I don't plan on turning to another person for this need. I'm perfectly content taking care of myself. I prefer it if I can't have him.

But... I was looking at my old sexually charged art and was thinking it'd be nice to revisit that theme... But then it felt... Like necrophilia...? I mean, he wouldn't be dead if I made recent hentai, (maybe a ghost, but not dead as in, limp and cold) but idk... I still feel funny about it.

My entire body, mind and soul misses his entire body mind and soul. All I have is my art to keep him alive, if only in my heart.

I may have to reopen commissions soon. Briefly, but soon.

I started getting settlement funding but the grocery store that I worked for got some information misconstrued so my lawyers are assessing the situation. It'll get corrected, but because the grocery store is confused, the judge got confused. It's all because of my lymphoedema. I was getting treatment for my elbow when that started so some of my work restrictions were from that, not my elbow. And I guess keeping track of it all isn't their strong suite...

Anyway, the thing I need is an urn. The crematory or whatever it's called gave me a very small urn. Flickie's older brother told me that he'll be getting a box with the rest of Flickie's ashes soon, and I can pick it up when he has it. The urn I have is filled to the brim. When I learned more was coming, I was surprised. Flickie was a rather petite man. He was only 2-3 inches taller than me and at his heaviest was 170. Plus, he's an organ donor and had some leg bones taken as well as a heart valve and a bunch of other things IDC about. I mean, I care, it just doesn't matter to me that he donated. I've always been proud of his firm stance on being a donor. I'm just bitter now for obvious reasons.

Anyway, there are 2 urns I'm kinda eying. One of them is in the shape of a rabbit. I think it's actually meant for a pet, but IDC. I was gonna get some pastel blue paint and make it look all ethereal/spooky. The other one is larger and meant for a human. It has pot leaves all over it and I can engrave it. He'd love either one, but I'm actually unsure what he'd like more.

The weed themed one has a few options but with the settings I want is incredibly expensive, $240 before shipping.

The rabbit is only $75. I also worry it won't be big enough for all of him to fit inside but it's so pretty.

I'm not buying anything until I have all of him. Then I can determine how big of an urn I need. Plus, I don't expect to have enough anyway. Provided I rely on my settlement money, then I have no ability to imagine how long this'll take.

I'll shut up here. The rest of the shit on my mind isn't relevant and I've rambled on long enough.

I still look at your art even if I can't be fucked to comment. Sorry 'bout that. I don't want to give shitty comments and I got too much on my mind.

But in moments of lucidity, I miss you all very much. I'm so sorry my shitty life has made me so quiet, but I promise it's better this way.

Maybe I'll update CnF's ref sheets sometime soon. I think 2021 was when I last did anything.

Nothing's really changed except he's a ghost or whatever so there's new um... Rules I guess.

I feel sick and I don't want to... But I want to?

He's been dead for 2 months and I'm still trapped in February. I hate everything.

noun
a lament for the dead, especially one forming part of a funeral rite.

a mournful song, piece of music, or poem.
_{"singers chanted dirges"}

Ok now that the definition is clarified (in case anyone following my progression on my art since my husband died didn't know) that's what I'll name them; Dirge. I'm also going to play with their form a little... But keeping the eyes purple swirls. That is crucial. I may not get back to them for a little while so I wanted to jot down my thinking somewhere. I want to make them a little more androgynous and a little more plushie.

I can't believe we're already into April. I'm still trapped in February. Maybe I'll never escape. It was a nice Valentine's Day. I wasn't expecting anything because we're so broke and I wasn't working yet, (although very close to returning) and he got me not 1, but 3 plushies. Which is the best present anyone could get me, lol.

And I cried so hard. I had been crying earlier because I have emotional regulation issues, and I guess I felt too guilty about some things and was overly grateful to have him in my life. I do that sometimes. And then he does that and I just exploded. He handled me well when I'm like that. And we just spent the day like any other day when he comes home from work. Drinking beers, smoking pot, playing tunes and he games and we chat and nap off and on. Little did he know I was working on a Valentine's Day picture but it took me too long to finish, so I couldn't give it to him. I got sick after I started it and obviously I'm not gonna work on it while he's around. Normally I start such pictures a month in advance but I was still recovering from surgery.

I want to go back and make him go to the hospital. He didn't want to because he said it didn't feel that urgent. Of course I trusted him because he's the one living in his body. Plus he could afford it. We have good insurance. But he wanted to sleep it off...

And now... I can't function. If it weren't for food stamps I'd starve. If it weren't for my mom, my cats would starve or have to be surrendered to a shelter. And I can't even take on commissions because it wouldn't be very good art now. If I find headspace to work on it at all...

I still have a few more pages to go but I've had a 5 day long headache that's immune to meds so idk. I'm not that worried about it... I'm pretty sure it's grief sickness. I'm not handling it well. I mean sure, I'm not a sociopath or delusional but I'm sick and all I want is now impossible.

Catt and Bloo are always there but I have found space for someone else.

I have a new trauma but brute force isn't going to mask this pain. There is nothing Bloo can do about it. So she split off.

I named her Griever and will draw her later on. The name's not very original as I know that's what Squall's necklace/Ultimecia's gf is called. But maybe in time I'll think of something else. Or not. Idc, I'm not making money off of my personal art.

9 days and they were just making me anxious the whole time. Bad staff, bad patients... Just all around a bad experience. Glad I'm out and I did learn my antipsychotic I went in taking was slowly killing me. So that's fun. They gave be better meds at least, so not a total wash.

Yeah idek. I'm gonna go to the psyche ward Monday sometime. I gotta call the place and do their 24/7 intake survey and then I guess they come get me or something, idk.

I don't know what they could possibly do for me at this point. They can't give me back my goddamn husband so... But my psychiatrist is pretty sure they can help me and I'm not one to turn down a free dinner and bed.

I've been sleeping on broken mattresses and couches for the past 5 years. No wonder I have sciatica.

I am completely not in the headspace to take them on right now. And truth be told I don't know when I would be.

I have no employment because I had to quit my job to move in with my mother who is helping me obtain SSI Disability. So in the meantime... Idk.

I don't want to ask for commissions that I wouldn't know when to start and to be honest they'd probably turn out like shit if I tried right now. So I'm straight up asking: would anyone be willing to donate to me? My PayPal is the same as it was and there's links to it in the header of the journal.

Otherwise I have:
Cashapp: $catttwinstarrs (yes there's 3 Ts in a row)
Venmo: @ catt-starr

If you can't or don't want to believe me I understand. I'm just desperate which is why I'm asking.

Grief is a motherfucker. All I do is pine for him. I'm dizzy and exhausted but I can't sleep and I feel like I'm gonna faint, but never actually do. I can't eat and now I'm in the process of moving everything I can to my mother's apartment.

There's room for everything I have but I'm so tired and in pain. Physical and emotional. Depression got the better of Flickie and I midway through summer last year and the attic got really messy. So there's a lot that needs to be thrown away too.

I just don't want to do this anymore. I want to relax. But I can't. I have to take care of my cats and stop being a burden on his parents.

His mom is overworked taking care of his very sick father. He has aggressive dementia. It was getting worse when we first moved in but it nose dove in the summer. He just progresses every day.

I don't know. I'm trying to be ok but obviously that's not possible. I'm depressed and there's too much happening and now this. I need... Something to give. Anything, so I can relax a while.

On February 20th, I lost the single most important person in my entire life. 2 days ago we did his funeral. Soon he'll be cremated, and I'll have an urn. Then... I'm supposed to take some of his ashes (a small amount) to a Guardians game on his birthday. He didn't specify his birthday when he asked. He just asked that I do it if he should ever go before me. I was thinking it wouldn't be feasible to get to a game at all this summer, but now it seems more than possible. Progressive Field has $15 standing-room tickets that include a free Beer/Pepsi. I don't plan on sticking for the entire game so... it's no biggie. I like baseball, like I like the rules and I keep up on the scores but holy hell I can't sit through an entire game. That is too long. Flickie loved it though. He'd get to a game right when the gates open; which is 2 hours prior to first pitch. Prog Field was his favorite place in Cleveland.

He was actually proud to be a Clevelander, which always humored me. A lot of Clevelander are proud of living here. I mean it was cute but I never saw the big deal. Cleveland is a major city so there's plenty to do, but it's not like it's NYC or Houston. I think he just loved the Guardians that much.

The funeral was absolute clown shoes. I won't go into why, but I was disappointed in a lot of decisions his family made, against his wishes and without consulting me. The eulogy was ...it was like the guy had one script for every funeral he had ever spoken at.

I moved in wish his parents December of 2022. Before he passed on the 20th, we were preparing to save our money so we could finally rent an overpriced apartment of our own. He started working at Walmart which got him more hours and more money per hour and I was coming off of my medical leave from my job. I went on bereavement which extended my time off work until the 15th, but now I'm just gonna quit my job.

My own mother made contact the day after everything happened. We spent a lot of time talking between then and now and I'm going to live with her... and Flickie's 3 cats. I insist on calling them that because he picked them out and he loves them very much. Of course they're my kitties too, this is in no way to diminish my role in their lives.

Anyway, I had been working on some art for Flickie. It was meant for Valentine's Day. I started it back on the 13th, but I got sick. And had it not been for my grief sickness, I'd have probably finished it days ago. I've been dizzy and thirsty ever since he passed.

I don't really know who I am without Flickie. I was with him since I was 16; 20 years total. I struggle with my identity but I felt like I truly knew myself when he was with me. I feel like very people understand me and he understands me so much more than I do. But his fursona will not die just because he did. I don't know about my fiction or anything; I may retire that, I may not. It's not like it ever truly took off, so... if I abandon it, it's not like it'll be an unfinished project.

My husband, Flickie (or Matt in the real world) passed away Feb, 20, 2024.

His heart stopped beating that night. They tried to revive him for over an hour. Do not misunderstand. He didn't have a heat attack. No. It just. Stopped.

He was turning 37 in May.

I was in a bad place before he passed, but I was working on artwork again. And now...

I've decided to keep drawing. But I will be scarce for a while more.

To my friends, thanks for being there. I hope you will all still be around when I have the headspace for artwork again. If you wanna talk, you can message me on Discord: CattStarr #4359

Hey everyone. I'm sorry it's been so long. A lot has happened to me and idk I just began to give up. I'd been sleeping to avoid life/reality. I've been to the psyche ward twice. I have lymphoedema in both my legs, which means I can no longer work. I have a tear in my left (dominant) elbow, although a treatment will remedy that, with a bit of recovery time, in told. Trying to get my doc and the surgeon to communicate so I can get it done already.

All my hobbies just sound like work and even when I do get the urge to create... Idk... I just don't. I have no where I can sit down with my art. It's too cramped in my in-laws attic. But that's ok, my father in-law is so far gone with his dementia that he may wind up in a home, then we'll all be homeless. Flickie and his mom can't pay the bills without his income. We probably won't be here next summer. Whether or not I have SSI.

Nothing good ever happens to me. I can't foresee anything positive on the horizon. But I'm afraid of the Big End, so I just sleep. And when I become homeless, I can sleep then too. The AC doesn't work in flickie's car but the heat does. Til that either breaks or we just can't afford to let it run all night.

I'm not asking for financial help anymore. It's never enough and I always wind up further down that I was when I asked. I'm just expecting the worst to continue to happen to me until I break and end it.

...like at all. I can't catch a break. Not only do I have lypmhoedema, but my husband, my UNINSURED husband has pulmonary embolisms. He has to take VERY EXPENSIVE pills to live. His pain has gone down, as he's taking the pain killers less. So the anticoagulants are working. We were informed there is not a cheaper alternative to his therapy (so for the love of god, please stop suggesting that we ask for cheaper meds. It is what it is and it's kinda insulting at this point. You are not helping). With a coupon, a better one than what GoodRX can offer it's roughly $500. That's the cheapest I can get it without insurance. We're working on getting him insurance but these things take time. If you want to help, either commission me or donate, or let people know. I don't mean to sound bitter but like everyone who thinks they're helping by mansplaining medicine really, really isn't. Either you don't have medical conditions that cost this much or you're not from the USA.

Eliquis has no generic nor cheap alternative. It just doesn't.
I want my husband to live. If you want to help me in keeping him alive, I'm requesting financial assistance.
I can't work because of my medical condition. I can draw silly little pictures. If you'd like one, browse my price guide or DM me.

I'm asking for help because I'm desperate.

If you would like to commission me or help me, I can't work my regular job for a while. My leg is swollen and I can no longer stand up unless I absolutely have to.

The emergency room doctor couldn't solve the problem, but the swelling is scary.

Feel free to dm me here or on my Discord: CattStarr#4359

Links in the header.

My phone is traaaaash. I'm halfway to my goal to replacing it though. If you're interested in a commission, please consider your local Catt. 😸

So my phone keeps rebooting, calling 911 with it's weird emergency feature I don't even have turned on so idk why it's doing that and I need a new, one ASAP. If you or anyone you know would like a commission, please consider me!

Alternatively, if you're interested in helping me with having lost all my belongings due to bedbugs and moving, you may buy something from this Amazon list. Just let me know what you spent and I'll round it up to the nearest dollar for your commission!



Thank you!

I dunno if anyone's interested, but here's where y'all sit with yer commissions.
Progress Bar

I'm rather bad at keeping up on this kind of thing at present... but I'm always available to tell you exactly what's happening.

Hi, Y'all!

in case you missed my previous journal, I have a Discord Server named, Neurospice!

It's a safespace for neurodivergent individuals to share their art, problems and find like-minded individuals to talk to. Nothing sucks more than to feel misunderstood, right?

It's still a baby, so I'm still tinkering with channels/categories and so on. As of now, the voice chat stuff is grossly ignored. I don't personally plan on changing that, but maybe one of my Sadmins might if they want to care for it, lol.