So I've been dealing with crippling anxiety lately. I mean, I'm trying to come around to art and all but it's hard when I'm throwing up from absolute fear all the time. I couldn't tell you what ails me... I'm just constantly scared. The physical aspects of it. And it's driving me crazy. So I know the art would probably help distract me from the problem... I just have to make myself I guess. Which I know I'd said before, but I didn't have any ideas before.

Thinking about making some silly shit to cheer myself up.

Stayed home from work today and gonna tomorrow too. It's too ridiculous outside for someone who walks. Hell, Flickie can't drive in that nonsense either. We're just like, trying not to die. God I hate the winter.

Never was a fan of it, even as a kid. I always was a walker. And no one shovels. So I have to walk in traffic.

It rained yesterday because it went up to 40, then dropped to 20 and snowed. So now there's ice under the snow. So even if I did walk in the street, I'd probably slip in the ice and get hit by a car.

Plus, I'm pretty sure there's something wrong with my right foot. It's been hurting for months.

I'm moving forward with my emotional growth and I cannot thank y'all enough for being patient with me... Especially y'all I owe shit to. It's been a hard winter and I'm gradually making my way to the surface.

I've been asleep so long... Just trapped in my anxiety and depression. A choking thickness around me of guilt and shame.

But it's time for me to force myself to have fun again and resume work on my art. I've let this blackness consume myself for so long.

I wanted to say something that no one cares about.

Tool showed me how to open my heart, my soul and my 3rd eye. grew up trying to be arrogant, narcissistic, narrow minded, angry and blind to the world. And Tool defied my desire. Tool taught me that it's ok to celebrate life. That pain is an illusion. That should crucify my ego. That should want to evolve past my mistakes and problems. That should care about myself and others.

Tool has been providing me with this message for many years throughout their songs. Each listern, feel closer to the zenith of where I should be, spiritually.

Enter Dream Theater. Dream Theater makes me emotional. They make me cry. Feel understood. Feel beauty. See colors. They make me understand my emotions better. They mak feel reflected.

No one can replace Tool for me. Not even Dream Theater. No. The duo work in tandem now. Tool has done so much for my spiritual and emotional health and growth. Tool paved the way for Dream Theater to help me. I would be so lost without Tool.

The rest of the music love helps me too, but not to this extent.

So I'm making my way through Dream Theater's catalog and I realized something. They do NOT get vulgar. Which is totes fine. I don't need every band to cuss me out. In fact it makes me appreciate them more. Their spiritual and mental health themes don't really need them to be. It makes their message rather gentle. Which, for mental health/songs I need to relate to, I need them to be more gentle. I mean Linkin Park can get away with being vulgar in their relatable songs but usually some mental health songs just feel like sandpaper against my soul, no matter how great they are. They just come on too strong.

And I know this is a terrible example because he's also not vulgar, but Beartooth, while an AMAZING guy for mental health songs and relatable content is just too rough on the senses. Flickie loves him. Beartooth is his favorite band now, and I also like him, but I need him in small doses.

Yeah so I had one yesterday and I got one now. Rather, it's the same one. Sometimes these bitches last like, a week or better.

So I'm not doing anything and not listening to music. 😞

OK so I recently got Spotify. Originally it was just a superior method for me to listen to Maynard and pals, right? RIGHT?

Yeah, no.

Let me preface by saying I have a hard time discerning mainstream/popular music and the obscure. Always have. Growing up, my friends introduced me to everything with burned CDs and back then I had music videos, which helped cut that a little. But ever since I got into iHeart back in like... What... 2014? I have no fuckin idea anymore.

OK SO. I used to use Pandora for a loooooooooong time. From like... 2015 until last year. I hesitated to switch to Spotify because I read all this stuff about how Pandora uses the "music genome theory" to determine what you'd like based on what you tell it you like. And it probably was the best at it in its day. But because I'd been using it for SO LONG, I figured it must've mastered me by now.

No. Not even a little bit.

As soon as I figured out Spotify, which didn't take long once I stopped being lazy with it and just listening to Tool albums, a whole new world of music opened up to me. Bands/musicians I've never heard that are just great crawling out of the woodwork.

And I'm so mad I didn't cross over 5 years ago.

But now I'm in a funny bind. And it is comical to me. See... Um. I went from liking maybe 10-15 bands and a giant pool of one-off songs to finding countless whole bands to love almost as much as like Tool or Green Day. Probably more on par to Green Day, Tool is untouchable.

I'll list a few to give ya an idea of my genre tastes, plus I'm excited about them.

In no order in particular (BECAUSE THAT IS FUCKING HARD):
Gojira, Tesseract, The Algorithm, Architects, Rabbit Junk, Attack Attack, Beartooth, Meshuggah (in their defense, I have heard of them for over a decade, but never listened), Mastodon (Same as Meshuggah), VOLA, Slothrust, In, This Moment, Silverstein, Atreyu, A Day to Remember, Rishloo (haven't listened a WHOLE LOT yet, but I am impressed with what I heard), Blue Stahli, Fozzy, Nonpoint (another one I've known about but didn't get into til now), Halestorm (Flickie liked a pair of their songs like 6 months ago but we didn't get big into her til now), In This Moment, Opeth and Sick Puppies (I knew, of You're Going Down, but nothing else)

...and it's just growing bigger and bigger almost every day. I've also gotten into Pink Floyd recently. Since Spotify makes those Playlists with all of a band's fun songs, it made it easy on me to check 'em out. I also have a ton of genre specific Playlists in my list that need listening to so I can add even more bands. Because I haven't overwhelmed myself enough.

Ahhh fuck, I gotta make Valentine's art. I skipped, Xmas because Xmas is stupid, but I'm super into Valentine's Day. Love the aesthetic.

So, Imma make a little headway on my commishes and then get cracking on it. Then bounce back. I have exactly 1 month but there's been a lot to distract me. And it's just progressing.

I have an influx of therapy appointments for my wrist injury that I have to attend, and they're so exhausting. The massage therapy is fine, I have 2 more sessions of that, but acupuncture is excruciating. However, I'll lose my Worker's Comp, potentially, if I don't do it. They paid for it, which is why.

But once the massage therapy is done, it'll just be once a week appointments rather than 2 which frees up a lot of time.

Yes, I still have my mental health appointments, but all of those are done telemedically, so I don't have to leave my house. Cutting out travel time.

Yeah. I'm doing better though. Flickie thinks we caught Covid. Again. But we didn't get tested because we're already into the second week of being sick and I figured by the time we got results, we'd be better. Idk what it is but I feel like shit and it's 0 degrees outside.

Art will be back in full flux soon. I know I keep saying that, lol, I've just been... Ugh. Anyway, things are ok now. Just sick.

Yeah, I got my initial and second Vax plus the booster. I even got my flu shot. Still somehow got sick!

Before anyone blames the shots, they were over a month ago. Any after shock from that is out of my system.

So idgiiiiiii. Flickie got sick first and passed it onto me. Didn't seem to hit him as hard and he doesn't have his flu shot nor his booster.

So arts gonna be slooooow. I wanted to make myself a happy birthday pic but idk if I'll finish it now. I feel so loopy. I also owe commissions that I've been shelving because of how ridiculous I feel.

Mid 30s. 35. I'm gonna be 35. I feel like a helpless child. My art isn't where I want it to be. Idk.

I'm not... I don't think personally I should be further in my life... I just feel like it was all a mistake. Every decision I ever made. I always seemed to choose wrong where it counts. And now I'm...

I just want to be comfortable a little longer... A little more time. But there isn't more time. Time marches on, and there's nothing I can do about that. I have to try to keep up. It just gets harder. I feel like I'm always behind. Running slower and slower, chasing my life. Eventually, it will be out of my sight, over the horizon. Will that be my death? Is that what death is? Am I dying?

Favorite part of the art creation process? I'll list a few items to give ya an idea of what I mean:

Do you like to conceptualize? Day dream about how the image will turn out?
Do you like to sketch? Hammer out how it's supposed to look?
Do you like Lining? Making all those smooth lines, perfecting the sketch?
Do you like coloring? Bringing the piece home?
Do you like slappin' filters on the piece? Watching it change moods and feels with the clicks of a button, the tweaks of numbers or angles of mouse clicks... and many other methods of applying a filter?
Something else because my mind is limited?

-

My favorite is coloring. I'm -ok- doing lines, but coloring is just so goddamn fun. I love smearing the colors across the screen and rubbing the smoky, fuzzy dark or light colors around for depth. Doing it just so. I'm not saying I'm the best, it's just oodles of fun.

So I got my mojo back but I've been pretty busy lately with doctor's appointments and work. It's really hard to juggle it all. Plus, I've been back on my bullshit with Temtem. It's fun to play when I'm exhausted from work or if I have an hour before I gotta go into my shift.

Things have been ok... Wish I could say they're better but I'll take it. I'm having fun lately and I guess I couldn't ask for more.

I've been worried sick, quite literally, about Flickie as his insomnia has worsened over the past year. Weed doesn't seem to help anymore, so I'm not sure what else to try. OTC drugs don't help and he's not really interested in seeing a doctor. Says that they probably won't help him, but I mentioned he could probably get an rx for Ambien or something. He seemed uninterested. So IDK. He's really panicking about it too, so I'm not sure why he won't TRY. His other mental illnesses are inflamed too, but I think the insomnia is triggering them. But I'm also wondering if they're triggering the insomnia, and he's in a horrible downward spiral. He considered going to the ER one night after 3 days of being unable to sleep, but when he Googled if that was a good idea, Google said it's basically pointless, and the ER would send him home for wasting their time. I think that might be why he's uninterested in trying to schedule an apt with a regular doctor.

I of course am struggling with my own mental illnesses too, but I've been trying to be as quiet as I can about them lately because of how much he's struggling. I don't know how else to help. So all I can think of is to avoid making him worry about me. I mean he KNOWS I have problems that don't go away... I'm medicated and talk to a therapist/psychiatrist monthly, but I figure if I don't mention it, it isn't immediate.

I don't mean to worry y'all or be a downer, I just wanted to vent somewhere, and this felt like the platform to do it. It's why I made a separate account for my commissions. I hate pouring my emotions all over my business, so I figure if that stuff is in it's own account, it's "safe" from my bullshit.

It's probably going to be ok. I mean, it has to be. I'm in love with my high-school sweetheart. This is the life I'm supposed to have. I'm happy with my relationship... so why can't we just be happy in general... we have everything we want.

I know it's December now so everyone is probably Xmas shopping. But if anyone is interested, I am open for commissions, as usual. I can't afford to offer any kind of Xmas specials unfortunately.

I'm a little low on funds since we paid rent. So it would be amazing to get at least one or two commissions for the month.

 Qwaychou, a friend of mine could really use a few commissions. You can check out her details here:
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10052002/

Yup. I'm slowly churning out a new piece. Ain't nothin special, but it's something to get the gears turning again.

I think I'm just gonna have to make myself draw. I keep getting impatient with it which is why I haven't done anything in a while. But I do have dry spells sometimes. So I'm gonna make something simple and cute just to get my blood flowing again. Part of the blow to my desire to draw was the loss of my Surface, but I'll be OK. I still have the pc after all.

How's everyone? Been a while huh? Yeah, I've still been a little bit distracted to make art... it's been weird. I've got things in the works, but sitting down with it is just so difficult still. Think I'm in one of my phases. But I am ok.

I keep getting distracted though. I swear I got shit in the works though. I got something for my 18th anniversary with Flickie. We were gonna get marrieds on the 25th but not enough money. That's ok, there's always next year I guess. My Worker's Comp check just won't be here in time. But. I am not sad. My favorite is back on tour. The best. TOOL IS COMING BACK TO CLEVELAND IN MARCH. And with my WC check, I can afford some tix. It'll be here later this month, but tix already went on sale today so I'm so anxious. Although in 2019, there were a lot of empty seats, so I'm banking on that to happen again, making it easy to buy some.

I was planning on buying a Surface Book 2 with that money but now I'm just gonna side grade or slight-grade my Surface. I WANTED something a little more robust but that's ok. The Surface Pro 4 proved it was more than capable of doing art for me before it broke. So. I'm not worried about getting another 4 or a 5. Meh.

Commissions are open this month as usual, but they may churn out a little slower than normal as I have my anniversary art to work on and I have a bit of other personal things to do.

Heyo!

So I've been dealing with migraines and work and when I do get some free time I just want to game. It's been really hard to find motivation to draw and so I don't want to force it. I do intend to get to owed art when I feel better.

I'm a little curious about the Diamond and Pearl remakes, but tbh not enough to buy them at launch. I don't know if I'll actually buy them at all... I'm more into Temtem. Temtem was a refreshing change from Pokémon, changing what desperately needed to be changed. It's more challenging, more of a grind and way funner. I haven't had the balls to fight another player at my skill level, but I will eventually. I have perfect stats on my tems and I'd raised them to what I believe is correct. They operate exactly like Pokémon do with IVs and EVs, only they're called SVs and TVs. SVs are innate and TVs are from battles or items.

Anyway. I think I'm done with Pokémon... Temtem is just the better game. But I might get the next gen of Pokémon rather than DP.

I also wanted to get Act Raiser and FF IV and it's sequel on Steam. Which is another blow against DP.

Well I'm gradually feeling better and am working on some arts. Dunno when they'll be done, I'm kinda taking breaks from it. But I'm having fun with it and it's going in the direction I'm wanting it to.

So I'm very overweight. PCOS and sugar are a bad combination. I lost a little over 30lbs in 5 months. All I'm doing is cutting out binge snacking and hugely restricting my sugar intake. I walk and take public transportation everywhere, so I'm already living an active enough lifestyle. Plus I'm on my feet at work all day. Short shifts, but still. 20-40 minute walk to and from work, depending on whether or not I can catch certain busses 3-4 times a week.

I'm getting scared now though. My pants aren't fitting me right. My belt isn't working anymore either. Limited holes. I have to go shopping sooner than I wanted to. I mean, I can go thrifty, but still. An expense I wasn't planning on. So if anyone needs a commission, it'd help me greatly. I need pants for work, lol.

I can't seem to make anything worthwhile. At least for myself. Same with gifts. I want to make so much for myself and for my friends but I sit down and I just flatline.

I try. I really do. I want to. I feel weird when I'm not scribbling. I need to scribble. But lately nothing good happens.

And lol, I'm having fun with it. Got it a long time ago for the Switch and never clicked it til now. I might play 7 and 9 after. I WANTED to play 4-After Years, but I gotta find my PPSSPP emulator and rom. But I doubt it'll run on my Surface now cuz my Surface is a lump of shit. Could play it on pc I guess but I don't wanna. Regardless, no emulator and rom. I own the hard copy of the game but my PSP took a shit on my oh so long ago and I never got around to replacing it. Seemed silly since it'd be for one game. Even though it's my favorite game of all time.

Been watching Dr. Who a lot with Flickie also. It's pretty fun. A show that's not really a comedy hasn't held my attention this well in a long, long time. I'm also on a stronger dose of Adderall, which probably helps.

I'll be starting lithium soon. It's supposed to help with my anger and suicidal ideation. I had blood work done to ensure my kidneys and thyroid are healthy enough for it. I think they avoided Depakote because I have liver disease.

My hours are a little better this week. More than 5 anyway. Up to 12. Which is a little less than I'd like, but it might be ok. Commissions would definitely make it comfortable. I do have a bit of a queue, but please hmu either here or on my Discord if you're interested. If you can't or don't want one for yourself, could I trouble you for an Echo?