My job is only giving me 5 hours next week instead of my usual 16-20. So I'm very hopeful some of my watchers are interested in a commission. My friend on tumblr and I are offering a special collab commission if you'd like something really unique! Otherwise, you can get my usual art content.

There's a sample of the collab art in my price guide tho. Check it out!

So I'm still a bit in a funk. Thinking about making more Mental Health Comics. Might wait to see if I can get a new Surface first though... They were funner to make on that than the pc. They were supposed to look a little more homely than a regular comic... If that makes sense.

So... I'm also trying to keep my spirits up with my silly drawings too. That's what's up with the Vape Faerie.

Anxiety is also plaguing me, but it always does that. I don't want to go anywhere when it's like this. I don't even know if it's work related. I'm just anxious. Of course I don't want to go when it's bad like this, but I have to. I'll get fired if I don't. Well, I have 2 more chances before I do with "final warnings". And calling off will expend a final warning. Which I don't want to do. They reset a year after the last one you get, and that was March for me. No, I just have to wait for Disability to come through, hopefully, and then dial back my schedule by a day a week.

I'm around still. Started my second dose of physical therapy for my new doctor this week and it's got me fucked up. I hate how I feel. But he wants to see how it treats me so here I am.

I've been in a weird place lately. I'll spare ya the song and dance this time. It's just bipolar stuff. Nothing anyone can really do to help me. But I'll be around eventually.

On that note, if anyone wants a commission I will prioritize those. I'm offering a special collaboration commission with a friend of mine over on tumblr, you can find a sample of our combined work on my price guide. Or right here:
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1kF.....w?usp=drivesdk

^ is Chica from fnaf anthro'd. I've not played the game but to my understanding she's big, bad and butch in this art compared to her usual sighting in the game.

I line and color and she draws. Anyway, hope that you'll consider working with us!

but you sunk like several hours into it so you're not sure if you should kill it or just finish it? I feel like that about this thing I'm doing.

I finally deleted the current character format. I'm going to redo it in the image of my graphic novel, and as characters are introduced in the novel, I will add bios for them in my Toyhou.se!

Well, especially the dragon ones. I usually drew them on my own but ever since the struggle, the books have reignited my will to try again. I've done 3 following the steps, (I've done a few a while back too) and I'm gonna try one soon. So be gentle, lmao.

I actually own a ton of how-to art books that I haven't used in a while but, I plan on cracking 'em. I also wanna buy some Furry art books too. Can never hurt to see how other people are doin' it and see if I can upgrade. Plus, I struggle with equine furries. I can do it, but it takes longer to pull off than others. Not sure why, it's exactly like a dog. Maybe that's the problem? I'm trying to make a dog when a horse is clearly different... idk.

I'm working on a page for my graphic novel. It's about halfway done in the coloring process. So it'll be really soon when I post it. You can see the sketch is you'd like, but it can wait if you'd rather see the finished product, lol. I still haven't decided if I want to make an alt account for these or not... I don't like FA's system for the gallery folder options, but eeeeehhhh, at least it's there. My older graphic novel pages will be moved to another folder, obviously.

OK bye, lol.

Or are you normal? About 1/3 of the time I do it. Sometimes I do it there and they kick me out, but it does count against my attendance points. Which now is bad because I'd get very fired. Which I don't think is fair if they MAKE you leave. But anyway, I have tried to explain that it's anxiety, not illness but they don't want to "take their chances" so well... Here I am.

There are private customer bathrooms I could use to hide the sound if there weren't piss and shit on the floor. So I use the employee bathroom. However, I have to be careful no one hears me. If they do, I'm fucked.

I have a few ahead, but I thought I'd post an offer that I'm open again. I don't really make ads very often but I'm always open.

I offer price reductions for flat colors and line works.

My Surface is failing. Everything boots fine but all my point-and-click devices are unresponsive or laggy. No idea why. Reinstalling Windows was a last-ditch effort to fix it but it's very laggy. So, I'm planning to side-grade at the very least. I'll be getting a check from a work related injury so I might be able to allocate money from that on a new one.

Til then, I have my pc. Maybe I'll just stick with that for a while. Or maybe I'll skip replacing the Surface altogether. I'm honestly torn. So many decisions.

Well I bought a flash drive so I can make a boot disc. I'm gonna reinstall Windows on it because it's fuckery makes absolutely no sense. I tried everything I could think of and nada. Then I can work on the owed arts on it again. I can't deal with it like this.

Unless of course, my Worker's Comp check is enough to buy the 7th gen and Flickie some new specs at an out of pocket price.

Flickie says I might not be nb. Idk. I feel like I am but he says that I could just have social dysphoria. Which isn't the same as regular dysphoria. Soc dysphoria is having a lot of hangups about your gender (if your afab) because of society, because of abuse and other external complications. It sucks being a girl. It just does. Society puts a lot of pressure on being one and it's hard. You have to be thin and pretty and a home maker, and you can't complain when people wanna fuck you and you have to feel complimented by rape... It's all a complicated cluster-fuck of fuckery.

And tbh? It made sense. I mean, I'm still wondering if I am nb, but Flickie made some really reasonable points. So now I'm in question about the whole thing. And I'd feel terrible if I discover I'm not... I know nb people really struggle with their identity. So I'm sorry if it turns out that I'm just a plain ol girl. I have some soul searching to do...

Masc Catt is still an exploration of my nb side, and will continue to exist as nb regardless of my identity. I still have feelings of the nb identity, and that wouldn't change even if I'm not, so I see no reason to kill him.

Mine is: https://toyhou.se/Catt

Anywho, I plan on completely revamping mine. The reason it's been so dusty this whole time is because well, I don't like the format I have setup.

Ideally, I want to have two timelines for Catt and Flickie; the one in my fantasy world and the one where they're more liken to irl. A slightly futuristic irl (when need be for comedy's sake). The irl timeline has no story. It exists solely for venting, comedy and outfit ideas. Sometimes hentai. You'll know this timeline because Catt will not have a tail key. Bloo doesn't exist here (although I have broken this rule once or twice for funsies).

The fantasy timeline is a massive vent piece for me. And I want to get the Graphic Novel off the ground soon. I feel like I have enough written out for it to start it over, and proceed with the story. Though, I wonder if I should make an alt account from this and my commission account to display the comic (FA only) to keep it tidy. I only want to do this because I have some house keeping I'd need to do on this account if I were to do that, and either way, everything you draw is forced into the main gallery. Which is fine, but this means that my one-offs would be buried or inter-mixed with comic pages as I go. It's why I made a separate account for commissions. I wanted them to be viewable in their own world. I hate it when categories get all mixed up, lol.

I then want to include timelines for Flickie's OCs; Snowwie and Flap, and a potential 4th timeline Flickie and I are concocting that will also probably go nowhere, lol.

There's also a theoretical 3rd Catt and Flickie timeline that may or may not be retired... but idk how I feel about having 2 main tales with them. I DO like that they're violently different stories from one another, but I feel like it'd be confusing on the viewer if all's I do is "fanart" of these items. So. I figured sprucing up my Toyhou.se might help mitigate some confusion -if- I go along with this timeline.

My first goal is to clean up ToyHou.se. That'll be a major undertaking for sure, so I'll have to set aside some hours for it. I'm fine with this, I just gotta do it, lol. This may help me some to visualize certain things for my other stories.

...but then I don't. Idk why but my refs come out way too big. I want one that encompasses Catt and Flickie, (and his markings) in one image... I've seen it executed well for a couple's ref, but I'm a big fat dumdum when it comes to this, I guess, lmao.

Nah, I'll figure it out I'm sure. I'm trying to avoid making it a chibi ref because I want it to look legit, I guess. I mean there's nothing wrong with chibi refs but I want the heights more accurately represented. Height, hair length, body types, etc.

...is to throw up incessantly before leaving your apartment. I've had this issue for years. The anxiety is so intense, it causes me to throw up or cry on the job. I just can't.

And I know there are worse jobs out there, I really do. But I'm agoraphobic. I just can't afford the luxury of being a shut in without any form of income. And work-at-home is damn near impossible for me to find. My sister found something but it was full time. I need part time.

I just... It's hard. And it's one of the reasons I have so many issues. I wish I could be left alone. I'm fucking disabled, diagnosed as disabled, but I can't seem to catch a break with Disability.

So... Out of the blue my Surface decided to behave. I've done everything I could think of to fix it but it didn't do anything. Left it alone for a week and decided to try to fuck with it the other day. Bam. Works. It's still a little buggy but it isn't unusable. The bugs are very slight, like they used to be. Random and infrequent. So you know what, I'm not gonna question him. If he wants to be weird, then that's on him.

But I also don't want to get rusty with the pc either so I plan on keeping balance this time. Now that I have it back, that is. I use it mainly when I'm drunk, lol. The pc is a bit much for me in that state. I can use it high but drunk... Ehhh...

I started drinking again, as I've kinda let slip through the cracks. Life's been rough on me. I lean on vices. Figured I'd ride that train until I can't. So far it's been good to me so I'll continue. Flickie's job beats him up mentally and I beat myself up mentally. Sometimes directly as I have a lot to be guilty for and sometimes it's just depression/suicidal ideation... I need out and since suicide is off the table for a variety of reasons, booze doesn't sound so bad by contrast.

I'm just saying, it'll probably happen. Been a lot on my mind and I'm just a bit... Pensive.

So I'm sorry if it's a bit depressing. The brunt of it is my own illnesses. But, not all of what I have to say is necessarily depressing. Some of it is more... An understanding of my situation.

So, I am in a better place now. I think. Y'all been wonderful to me, and I cannot thank you enough.

I'm getting along better with Flickie too, I think. I have a long road ahead of me but... I have some stable footing now. I feel like I have peace of mind. I still feel guilty, and I should feel guilty, but I won't wallow in it. Obsess over it. That was my problem to begin with- -feeding into my obsessions. It'll be hard not to, but he's forgiven me, so... I guess I'll just have to move forward.

We feel like our romance story is that of a miracle... a fairytale. And I'm not up for boring you with the details today. I will someday. But, despite feeling like we're soulmates, I understand that we have to fight and work for the relationship. We have to make the choice every day to be there for each other. Of course we matter to ourselves too, but we have to trust and help each other too.

I struggle with showing empathy. Always have. I know now to be quieter, listen, not offer unsolicited advice, and definitely not try to use mockery humor when it's not appreciated. I should have known over a decade ago when he FIRST started telling me how he wants to be treated, but... that's then and this is now. I'm sorry, I'm guilty, but I can't obsess if he forgives.

Combing over it is also kinda pointless he says since well, we're in a good place again. Just don't fuck up. And I'm still scared because here I am, writing this thing.

But

I'm ok.

Hey y'all, just wanted to apologize for being all doom and gloom lately. I'm still in a fucked up place but that's what it is.

I'll be better soon. I'm working on my toxic traits best I can and I'm working on my deep rooted mental illnesses best I can too. I don't want to be here and I have to fix myself. I know I can't cure everything, but I can at least be a better person.

But I also literally got my groove back with my pc too. So now idk which one I want to work on for a personal piece.

Well, not really "today", more like a month or two. I feel sick because of it. I can't breathe. I hurt my husband severely in a way I haven't done in years. I kept deliberately picking fights and being mean and gaslighting him... Out of my own pitiful insecurities.

Do not pity me.

I'm admitting guilt here. Owning my mistake as best as I can. I have lost trust and I have to earn it back. I'm scared. He doesn't want to leave me, but he probably should.

You see, I have issues with paranoia, jealousy and trust. And I take it out on people I love. It isn't right. It isn't fair to anyone involved. I have to discuss my issues like an adult. And not resort to trickery, lies, gaslighting, fighting... All the cruelty that is my forte. And this is why... I'm so scared of letting friends grow too close to me. I had a close friend once... And I abused the shit out of them. Just like Flickie. They forgave me, but they really shouldn't have. I'm very lucky to have they in my life.

But this isn't about me and what I want. This is about how I fucked up and have to fix this. I can't keep hurting people, especially my husband. I keep falling into crying fits and I don't want him to see me because it isn't right that he comfort me. So I don't know what to do about that.

All I want is to heal. So I'm gonna go to work today and try my best. I'm gonna be there for Flickie when he gets home tonight. And I'm just going to play this as it goes.

If you read all that, I appreciate your kindness. You don't have to say anything to me... What's to be said, really?

I'm so dumb lol. Like seriously, they use my breast milk to make Dumb Bitch Juice.

Anyway, the issue with my Surface was a driver failure. I had to reinstall the driver for the touch interface. Cleared up all the trouble in an instant.

I'm dumb because I didn't think of that in the first place. My go to was reinstalling Windows and pals. Which would have fixed it, but it would have taken like 9 more years.

Ugh, lol. Thanks, Flickie.

So I got my cord. It works beautifully. However, the Surface is behaving strangely now. I might have to reinstall some drivers... Idk. Super frustrating. Which is fine, I don't object to working with the pc more. I'm acclimated again, and am happier there. I was originally, but I got comfortable with the Surface's portability.

Sucks though, I'm kinda in the middle of badly drawing my Pride pic on it. Not looking forward to redoing it on the pc.

I finally ordered my replacement cord for the Surface. It'll be here Thursday.

I guess I'll just focus my efforts on my art, owed and not, until this passes. I mean, it's what I always do, right?

I mean, I do have Flickie.
I'm still on the path of quitting my vape habit.

Are not a good mix.
At all.

I felt like I'm on the verge of a major breakdown for a few days now. I actually was pushed over the edge for reasons I'm unwilling to detail openly, but I was almost hospitalized (psychiatric, I'm unharmed). I was going to admit myself but Flickie talked me out of it. We can't really afford me to miss that much work, even if it is about a week and a half's worth. Not yet anyway. We need more time having quit vaping. I think.

But anyway, I'm just not in a good place. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want to rip off my skin and run as fast as I can for as long as I can. But I'm also exhausted. Exhausted from all the anxiety. The anxiety that stems from nothing. Nothing at all.

I just don't feel like I can do this anymore. I don't like how I feel and I don't know how to stop.

This morning marks the beginning of Day 4 of quitting vaping.

And as y'all have been seeing, I'm trucking along with my Intuos art. I'm adjusting I suppose. I'm not wild about either items I've made, but there's aspects I like.

Commissions are basically on hold then until I either acclimate or I get my Surface cord back. You're certainly welcome to buy into a slot for when I can get to your art, but I'm not pushing for it. It's looking like it'll probably be until the beginning of the month at the rate I'm going. I just have to figure out limbs again, lol.