Tl;Dr warning

So I'm gonna try to churn something out tonight but it'll probably be tomorrow. But you know, maybe my busted cord on the Surface isn't such a bad thing. It's a good opportunity for me to get back on the pc and really churn out some more technical stuff. While my character art is as good as it can be for the most part, I feel like I can do a lot more in terms of scenery and comics on the pc. More precision. Access to my mouse and keys.

I'm left-handed and mouse with my right, so I can dual-wield! I can also make movies again, which will be fun once things stabilize. My preliminary stuff is a little different now so it'll be fun for me to compare that to an older video.

I just hate. My. Goddamn. Chair. I'm having some complications with my Worker's Comp claim but hopefully I can sort it out soon so I can replace the chair. If not then I guess taxes?

Although. Flickie and I have made a serious attempt to quit vaping. We spend an embarrassing amount of money on it, and while we can usually make ends meet, it's hard. And there's almost no money for fun unless I get sizable commissions. Now, I always welcome commissions, but it'll be less dire if we can stick to it. I know it's ridiculous that poor people like us have such a silly habit. But we're prone to addiction and using vices to cope with stress. Not an excuse, just what happens. But we're adults and have to control ourselves now.

I'm using the patch to help. My doctor was able to prescribe them for me, and my insurance covers it. So we'll be spending half as much as anticipated on them. Which will help a lot. I have some now, but the adhesive sucks. We used some patches when we quit smoking like 9 years ago (lasted for 8 years), and those patches seemed fine. And we used generic then and now. Guess we just got an old box or something. I'm rambling.

If you pray, pray for my success, please. If you don't, well, wish me luck. And if you don't buy luck, then... Well... I'm sure you support this decision. No one WANTS someone to smoke/vape.

I know I SHOULD care about the potential for popcorn lung, but... It's about the money for me. It's an instant reward and something tangible. Plus I am healthy as far as side effects go for vaping. And yeah, I'll admit it sucks. I'd rather be vaping. I'm only on the morning of day 2. Anything can still go wrong, but I am determined to make that not happen. I know by the end of tomorrow, it gets easier. I did this before. I'm really stupid for putting myself through this again. Really stupid. It was miserable.

I did most of my vaping while I worked on art... Which is... Haha. Art is practically all I do so... Reprogramming myself is definitely odd. I also did it a lot in the mornings before work for obvious reasons.

The cord started sparking. So I had to move all my commissions to my pc. It'll be a bit before I can replace it. Gotta pay some bills and prioritize some things. A new cord is $80.

But my pc is superior hardware, I just have to readjust. I finished a couple commissions on it already, and I'm starting another one. I may have to make a personal or two in order to reacclimate to the environment again. Been too long. But I am capable of more on the pc overall.

Anywho, that's what's been up.

Read the title.

I made c n f luchadors, and I thought it'd be fun to try it out on other characters. No more detailed than they are... So chibi of course.

I got commissions to work on so it'd be a little bit before I get to them unless I find some downtime between them and personals. Guess it also depends on how much interest I pool in luchadors too lol.

Its just that, the costumes are so much fun to design!

Kinda gotta work on commissions... Kinda wanna work on personal art.

No but I'll be good. I plan on making decent headway today, and then working on a personal that's 2/3s done.

I got 2 big ones to color, 2 to sketch and that's it. Don't think I'll go THAT far today but I'll definitely pick at it for a few hours. Get my jam on and draw.

My doc upped my Adderall and I think it's helping me focus better, which is helping me complete my art all around.

Y'all wanna see some really old art collecting dust on my dA? I've been there for ages, and there's some "gems" that I think'll amuse. I'm NOT promising quality art here, just comical content, xD.

So I think I'm feeling slightly motivated again. I did a lineart of Dorumon (Digimon for those not vested, lol) and I'm making slow progress on Flickie's birthday art. I have visions for new art ANNNNNNDDDDD I WROTE SOMETHING.

I'm almost done with commissions too, so there's that. I mean, I like doing them and all, I just feel badly when I need to churn out some personals while I have them over my head.

Anyway, my tunes really help. I don't know where my art'd be without it.

So I watched the Livestream thingie Puscifer did last weekend. That was really cool. Maynard said he'd like to do more, even when Covid's done. It was $20 to watch it. I was super excited. I know it probably sounds silly to some- -it was basically an elongated music video, it wasn't actually live. It also aired on his birthday, xD

I've been feeling a little artistically tapped out though. Which perplexes me. I'm -ok- I guess, just not really feeling the art. At all. I'm struggling to get my last few commissions out, but it is kind of a blessing in disguise since the people I'm working with aren't only patient, but kinda difficult to get a hold of. Well, double-edged sword. When I do find time to work, I can't always get the green light I'm looking for because they're not around to judge my progress.

Seems like my friends are doing ok though, which makes me happy. I wish we spoke more, but I also get cold feet because I know everyone has lives, hehe. So I mean, feel free to chat me up. I don't bite.

_{...I may have spent some of my Stimmy on a signed APC Poster and a signed copy of Maynard's biography...}

So, my diet is still in full throttle. It's mainly consisting of curbing binge eating, but I also introduced more healthy eating. The big pain in the ass is that I have to actually take time to cook or prepare meals. I hate being in the kitchen, lol. I do still partake in the occasional taco or cheeseburger, xD

I got my record player, a signed APC Poster and a few other fun goodies as well as catching up on bills with my Stimmy check. Easy come, easy go.

Reapplied for SSI, and I'm not real optimistic this time despite having a good lawyer. The interview process went kinda weirdly. Not bad, just the information I got was a bit dismal. They had to reset my onset date to a more current date, even though that makes no sense, because if they didn't, it'd automatically get rejected.

I got a 1tb sd card for my Surface. This is because I can't deal with a 256gb hdd. I make too much art, lol. I also have to bust out the ol 4tb external and move art from that back on the Surface now, because there's some things on there I need to toy with. An old gift art from  zoelnoone comes to mind. I moved it there unintentionally as it was in the main folder I moved, then I put the hdd away since there's not much room for it on my coffee table... heh. Should have moved it to my Google Drive, but ehhhh, that'd be too smart. But whatever, I know where it is and have the motivation and storage for it. I haven't messed with my custom Badgernuki in a while anyhow. I kept meaning to make her a mega ref, complete with a bio because I have a good story and life for her, and I wanted to introduce a male counterpart (Blue) for her.

I haven't been drunk in over... 5? Years. Tbh I'm scared of the wine. But I had to try it. I haven't yet and Flickie wants to wait until out vacation in May, so we'll do that. I have APC themed wine glasses we're gonna use, xD.

Anyway, I've had rough times, and I'm not sure if it was the booze of choice? So I've pledged that if everything goes OK with Caduceus Cellars Wine, that when we do drink, it's never gonna be shit you find in a fucking gas station. Because garbage booze never has good stories from experiences people have shared with me.

I know that sometimes shit just ain't gonna work out nicely all the time, and maybe I was too critical of the alcohol. I grew up with alcoholics. So whenever bad things happened between me and Flickie while we were drinking, I immediately blamed the alcohol. But couples fight. We're bipolar. Booze isn't going to change that. I felt conflicted when I banned it all those years ago.

So. I want to try one more time...

So commissions are trucking along, albeit slowly. Reason being is mainly because I'm doing an outfit sheet and while the outfits aren't complicated, I have to constantly communicate with the owner, so that bogs things down a tick. Plus I'm also trying to plow through a few things in Temtem before the week ends. But I'm going to start on some sketches this week to kick off others to speed up a little. I'd been a little distracted and depressed thanks to some things going on.

I had to leave work early last week due to an old work related injury. It acts up a lot, and this time I went to an Express Clinic to get looked at. They couldn't really do much for me but I was given an ace bandage to wear for bad days. I was given a doctor's note to take the next day off. Well, I got points for the missed day. But, HR told me I wasn't allowed to work because I had the note. I would have come in if I were allowed to because these points means I'm fired. So we went back and forth for a while. We tried for a form to retroactively cancel some of my points because I'm mentally ill, but because I don't work enough hours, I didn't qualify. Even though I don't work these hours because I'm mentally ill. There's a few more options it sounded like, but we're waiting for the head HR office to figure out the next steps. I hope they're viable because if not... Well, I'm out of a job.

And to be honest, I don't know how I should feel. Should I be confident that I can keep my job? Should I be pounding the pavement and just give up? I don't know. I want to stay here because I can't really find anything better, so it's be basically the same line of work for less money since I have raises...

Flickie says I shouldn't panic. Not yet. I'm still being scheduled. Just go to all my shifts on time and stay there. No matter how much it hurts. Which yeah, I'm too scared not to. I just assumed because this was related to my work injury, they'd cut me some slack.

My ssi case is still in limbo, so it's a hard call if that will come through for me. If it did, I wouldn't be so high strung about losing my job. I mean yes, I'd want to keep it still, but I'd still have enough money to live on. But Flickie doesn't make enough on his own to keep the apartment. He needs the extra I bring home to stay afloat. I don't work much, but it helps.

If commissions were more reliable this wouldn't be so scary, but I'm not that well known, lol. I also don't stick to a niche, and frankly the niche I picked I fear would kinda piss off my friends- - vore. I could make an alt account for it, which I've considered. If y'all are cool with seeing it more often then I won't, but I will if it bothers you.

Mental illnesses suck man. I wish I could just be normal enough and handle a fucking job. I see my coworkers just doing their jobs, having fun with each other, making the best of it. And then there's me. Stuck. Feeling like I'm going to be there forever. Even though I work 4 to 5 hours a day for 4 days a week. So anxious by it I'm crying. Nothing happens. I'm just in tears because I need to go home. I'm doped up on gabapentin. I vape medical marijuana when I can (never before work) to cope with my issues. But nothing seems to really help.

And in these bitter moments, my brain gets belligerent on me and I feel suicidal. I make attempts at times, but I'm still here so obviously I'm too afraid to go through with it. But it is an act of belligerence. I don't know what else to do to stop the pain. Between bipolar rage, ptsd anxiety and adhd understanding of time... I'm just so tired of existing.

Oh, the bipolar thing. I get so angry and mundane shit. I overshare. Overspend. I get aggressive. I'm kinda manic now.

Ya know, it's only been a little over a month but I don't miss the sugar. I'll have a cookie here and there but I don't NEED it like I used to. And sugar was the major player in my massive weight. I lost 14lbs since I cut it off, which isn't a lot at my weight, but eh, progress. I'm trying to eat better, and sugary treats were a major weakness. I've traded up for fruits, but I'm being careful. I mean, you don't eat 6 apples in a day.

It's actually going pretty well. I thought it'd be a big pain in the ass but I'm comfortable. I like the foods I'm eating when I eat, and I'm full so I don't miss binge snacking like I used to. My insulin isn't spiking, so that's the main thing. Even the medical marijuana I got (I got my card finally) isn't interfering with my diet. I missed the sugar for about the first 4 days but then my insulin relaxed and I was able to eat comfortably. Flickie is able to discuss my eating habits without me getting upset because I'm not hungry. I used to think I was because of the insulin spiking.

Anyway, not trying to brag, just caffeinated af and rambling.

I'm leaning towards making some personal art. Haven't in a while. I have owed art hanging over my head I know but I haven't made anything for myself in a hot minute and I'm missing it so...

I'm also looking at my traditional shit collecting dust and I'm just like, yeah. Idk if I'll bust out with that any time soon but it's on my mind anyway.

Still kinda anxious though. Things ain't so hot on the home front and idk. It's all mental health bullshit so it's difficult to itemize. I mean, I'm agoraphobic so going to work makes me vomit in the morning. I have bipolar disorder so my moods flare and change. I get the urge to buy things I don't need and sometimes don't want. Flickie has to strongly talk me out of it.

I just... I don't want to be here anymore. Everything is exhausting, expensive and too hard and I'm not having a good time and I don't care anymore.

Sorry I've been so quiet. I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety and distracting via Temtem. I'm slowly working on owed arts between reps of gaming, but that's about all the arting I've been doing.

But, I put the game down today and decided to draw some personal art just to get the ball rolling for owed art tomorrow.

I'm going to sleep at a hospital tonight but I'm ok. They're testing me for apnea. I don't personally believe I have that, I think it's polyps because I have issues breathing through my nose during the day and night. Plus I'm extremely prone to nose bleeds. So after the study, I'm going to raise my concern to my doc.

Anyway, there's your Catt update. Rock on, Tool, yadayadayada.

Hey so it's time for one of my advertisements!

Basically, I could use a few. Money is a little tight at the moment, so any bit can help. Word of mouth is also helpful if you don't wanna buy but you have enjoyed working with me before.

Thanks for the help! 💕

I'm working on owed art, don't worry. I need the commissions after all.

But making art isn't fun for me anymore. It's a frustrating process. And it's not just art. It's everything that used to make me happy. I don't know what it is. It's been going on for a few weeks now. I'm trying to make it stop, but nothing helps. TV, video games, art, even my music does nothing for me. Even sex is frustrating for me. It's not anything Flickie's doing, he's amazing. And he hasn't changed anything, in fact, he's trying his best to make it work better for me. But it just doesn't interest me. If anything, I'm worse at it than ever, my heart's not in it. I've tried to go through the motions once or twice since this happened to me, but I just don't feel it. I thought maybe if I plunged into it, I'd like it, but... well, that didn't work. Even candy sucks.

I know trying new things is usually what people do here but nothing interests me. I hate to cook, I'm otherwise broke and either way, Covid makes it hard to go anywhere and do things. Plus, with sex being a problem, I don't think I'm bored with everything. I don't even think I need anything new. I mean, there's games I'm still anticipating, which could constitute as new. I want to learn an instrument and a language, but in this state I don't think that's a good idea. I'm just bipolar? ADHD? it's gotta be one of the two. Maybe I need more meds? I don't know. I see my psyche on Monday, so I intend to ask about that.

On top of everything else, I'm drooling excessively in my sleep. Been doing that for the past 2-3 months. Ever since I stopped Effexor, which is notorious for cotton mouth. I think it was countering my Topamax, Because Topamax is reported to cause it in roughly 20% of female adults.
I take it for maintenance of migraines.

I'm not really looking for advice, just to bend ears if there's any.

For $800 I can be a proud owner of a FAKE Ænima album. Thanks eBay.

For the record (ha) I did buy a fake, because a real one runs $400-650 and is probably used. But not for $800. Not nearly that much. I read they play well, but they don't have the intentional glitch with Useful Idiot where the track plays on a loop indefinitely, growing louder and louder until you manually stop the track.

I also got a fake 10k Days because a real one doesn't exist. I'd have also gotten a fake Fear Inoculum but a cheap one goes for $80. I really hope they do an official release for it because that'd be sweet to have... I really like collecting their merch. It makes me happy, xD.

Flickie found this to really help me out, which is how I learned 10k didn't have an official release. But I wanted a full collection, so I'm really sad about FI being so expensive for being a fake. Like... why. APC and Puscifer are a lot easier to shop for and their albums are much cheaper to boot. I don't plan on buying APC's eMotive because it doesn't interest me, but that's about it for my collection having any holes in it that wouldn't upset me. <__<

Replaying Dark Cloud on the PS2 and I can’t believe how much fun I’m having again. It’s like... the game I needed to get back into gaming. I also finally have DC2, so I’m gonna try that out when I beat DC1.

I haven’t gamed in a very long time, as much as I consider myself a gamer... and it made me really sad. Between newer titles not holding my attention and gaming as a whole making me anxious, I just kinda abandoned it for a while. But kitty’s back in the saddle and it feels amazing.

I think I also wanna redo Mana Khemia and Ar tonelico. Those were some unique titles that wowed me. I -might- replay FF12, buuuuuut that game has a super boring first few hours that I have to power through before it gets fun. The PS2 has a lot of titles that kept my attention much more than any other system, save the SNES. But I kinda burnt out FF 4, 5 and 6.

I’m eagerly awaiting Bravely Default 2, as I loved the first 2 games in the series. That is a newer title that held my attention.

I’m warming up to playing Okami and Okamiiden, but I think I need to stick to RPGs for now.

So I ordered some vinyl records as some of you probs know. Annnnnnd uh well, only one came. The one that the seller sent via UPS. Came 3 days after he shipped it. The other ones are going through USPS and they were truckin' along just fine until they got to PA. Once in PA, they've just kinda... stagnated. Been there, some of them, for a week now. I'm so anxious. Some people have reported that their priority mail hasn't gotten to their recipients for weeks, up to a month or better.

I'm not going to let this affect my rating on the eBay sellers though. It's not their fault at all. I wish they'd have considered USPS's crisis and went another shipping method but I still can't fault them for the shipping time. They sent the bitches out no longer than 2 business days after my purchases, and had not been for the mail situation, it'd be fine.

Hell, I still plan on ordering more records- -not from eBay as I found the Puscifer ones for a little cheaper on a record site, but I don't expect them to get to me lightning fast unless they use something else.

I just hope it doesn't take months... I want to decorate my place with them. I love music and it's all I think about. Album covers are so cool, and I like the sizes of the cases. Perfect for wall mounts, or a magazine rack- -which I have. It's not in use atm, but I got it specifically for my records. RN I only have Eat the Elephant and Mer De Noms. EtE I got as a birthday present last year. It's been in storage since we moved, so it'll be nice to pull it out again. I actually got a whole set. Came with the CD, a themed deck of playing cards, a weird little uh, thingie that you place on your phone that displays a video in 3D and a download code for the album. So it came in 3 media formats. Which is nice.

I hope the USPS situation is healed soon. I like ordering stuff, lol. Hate in person shopping. It's so hard to find things I like.

I lied. There's no potaters.

Art's gonna be a bit slow for a while. I got back into some classic games, and well, other than owed art, I'm just not feeling it atm. I'll be around to love and appreciate y'alls art, and of course I'm still gonna make some personals when the mood strikes me, but I'm just not really as into it as I was. But I'm ok, so no worries! Just distracted.

Flickie asked me to make a Top Ten list of songs I like if Maynard's holy trinity didn't exist (which is really stupid) so here goes:

10. Into the Nothing - Breaking Benjamin
9. Breakin' all the Rules - Ozzy
8. Nobody's Listening - Linkin Park
7. Bulletproof - Godsmack
6. Down - Breaking Benjamin
5. Zombie Stomp -Ozzy
4. AVH - Ozzy
3. Desire - Ozzy
2. Tourniquet - Breaking Benjamin
1. Away - Breaking Benjamin

1 and 2 are a very hard call, but I felt weird having a tie. And I'm not sure when non-Maynard songs begin to filter into my top 100 list of songs, I'd have to really sit down with my music, lol. Dunno if I have the attention span for THAT. But I'd say they probably start to filter in before Sober, Jimmy, quite a bit of Puscifer songs, (some just hit the ear wrong, but the Puscifer songs I like, I really like) aaaaaaaaaaaand pretty much everything on eMotive. I don't mind covers (normally) but I didn't really have a flavor for any of those songs to begin with. Not even Imagine. I mean, I get what he's trying to say with that CD, but.... ehhhhh. Political songs as a whole tend to elude me. They don't age well, imo. That and, politics is something I DON'T want to think about. Same for religious songs; be it bashing it or praising it.

That said, I do have a special place in my heart for The Pot simply because it is so well crafted. It'd be higher up on my Top 100 I know that if it were about something different, but god damn does it make me wanna get down.

Some honorable mentions that didn't make this list:
Breaking Benjamin: Dear Agony, Without You, Feeding the Wolf, Blood
Ozzy: Believer, Scream, Secret Loser, Gets me Through
Korn: Coming Undone
Earshot: Waiting

It was a very hard list to make, and the honorable mentions were almost tied for certain slots. But in the end, I had to roll with SOMETHING and considered what the songs meant to me, and chose what made sense...

Man, I don't feel good. Been sleeping off and on all day, and still feel terrible. I want to do anything but it makes me dizzy.

Birthday

10. Weak and Powerless - A Perfect Circle
9. Jambi - Tool
8. Reflection - Tool
7. Indigo Children - Puscifer
6. Parabol/a- Tool
5. By and Down (the River) - A Perfect Circle
4. Pushit - Tool
3. The Weaver - Puscifer
2. Fear Inoculum - Tool
1. Forty Six & 2 - Tool

If you expected anything not from the holy Maynard trilogy then you don’t know me at all.

My In-laws gave me a $50 gift card and since it can't be used on bills (I tried) I got myself a Lateralus Vinyl. Now, I don't have a record player (yet), but I really want to collect vinyls. Ænema is outta print so the cheapest I can seem to find it (reliably) is $150. eBay tends to waver from $100-$300. Amazon merely sucks ass for vinyls. Undertow is reliably $20-30, 10,000 Days is reliably 60-70, as is FI and APC stuff is reliably $30-50. I'm due for a few big checks as I get Worker's Comp checks annually, but it won't be until June. Then taxes, but most of that'll go to my credit debt. It'll be nice to have that down to nothing again.

Commissions are very slow, sadly. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I appeal, or try to, to the voracious crowd, the goth kids and am obv a furry artist. Maybe I should up the ante with more anime characters... humanoids. I'm trying to draw better in general. I know that's not really the fulcrum of the issue, I get commissions, but better art does = more commissions. However I do get work sometimes. *shrug* Guess it's the luck of the draw for me at times. I'm not popular enough and that's all there is to it. I need to work on sceneries more. I think that's my greatest weakness. And I know I've said that dozens of times. And then do nothing about it. I even got art books to assist here. I did that mainly for my Graphic Novel, which I know once that flies off of the ground will aid in attention. People love a good story. And from I've been told, it's interesting, albeit rough around the edges a tad. So I have to iron out some details on the plot itself.

Anyway, if you'd like to help me out, and can't buy, please let your friends know I'm hurtin'. My big checks aren't for a little bit, and even though I have some big buys planned out for them, the crux of the money is going toward bills/savings. Plus, Disability could be a while, provided I even get it.

So because of the snow I have to be late for work this morning. I tried to order an Uber, but there's no cars at this time. I just lost my holiday pay, which means late rent. I feel like a fucking idiot.

I'd only really need $50 in commissions if anyone cares to help me out...

Thanks for listening.

Even though I don't really -do- Xmas, I still could use commissions this time of year. Times are tough. The season makes things harder for me. I know you're probably all tapped out from gift giving, but if you need anything, gift arts for your friends, please hmu.