i feel weird about the way i feel

im making a short film for my final piece this year, and the title im giving it is feral children

its going to have some animal costumes in it

so im making a baphomet suit head (as well as some others)

i cant believe myself

do you sketch
as in do you rough out the picture and see how it goes
or do you do everything as it will be from what you can see in your head already?

AND I CAN LOVE YOU
LIKE A COLOUR TV

nobody read this please its going to be stupid i can feel it in my bones

premise:
art is the only thing i can do
i want people to see it but it isnt really good enough
i dont feel alright about it

expansion:
i have no other plans than going to do my foundation year after sixth form is done and then do my degree after that, if i get in
every time i draw and post something i get frustrated because it isnt good/interesting enough so i feel as though theres no real reason for me to draw in the first place, like i rely on exposure and comments and totally meaningless things for a reason to draw
i draw for attention, basically, i think
nothing i do is particularly important and especially not to me which really is what matters
i completely lack any subtlety and i cant make jokes or my own ideas not to mention putting them into an image

conclusion:
there really is none and even though i feel alright today i dont really have any resolutions for next year except maybe to not be so terrible but i dont know how to do that and this thing was difficult to write

fa
fa is a place
a place where nothing
nothing ever happens

i got pokemon i fucking got pokemon y and a 3ds for christmas and i really was not expecting it and ill draw my pokemon later, they are all amazing and perfect and im addicted to pokemon amie and tierno is really fucking cute also

i dont know how to do wifi battles and the 3d thing hurts my head so i have it off most of the time!!! but still amazing, i am in love

im a no good cat grey cat hurt yourself dig in your claws thats what you deserve cat aint got no stream of consciousness and aint got no poetry in your heart but you know you aint good enough so thats enough to hurt yourself dig in your claws feel so false and undeserving of some praise that a stranger said who knows when youll figure that out grey cat feel your stupid embarrassment creep up behind you and scratch you in the back tail flicking nose dripping and youre sniffling under the invisible gaze of god on that cold and snowy mountain top you know youre guilty oh so filthy and youll never get that blood off your arms not in a million years because you know you arent good enough true enough real enough and never will be

je me lance vers la gloire but that aint where ill get to ive got the gumption but too much consumptions and my heart is flickering with medical murmur one hand moves of its own accord and i know it bores you but my heads bruised now with big hits big slits not one moment away from a mental diagnosis that means nothing anyway but is the world to me because it hurts not to know or understand i know im no good to you now i know i know but tell me again because i want it to hurt blurt out words that i dont know or mean and treat me like i know what im doing even though i dont and arm scars wont ever leave and stupidity wont ever leave and jealousy wont ever leave and did i ever tell you that i hated you all this time? thats just it though the android narcissus says into the lake the me that i love is the identity that i despise and feel split from and know that thats the reason i fuck up, i never noticed

ONE DAY I'LL UNDERSTAND

when you see a person and you like that person and all you want to do is hold their hands and give them smooches
then when your crush situation gets so desperate that you have to go over to fa to vent just how much you like certain people
i roll my eyes at myself

the level of horror you feel as you realise your own rele-significance or lack thereof

a story about cats in space, written for national novel writing month

>> progress image <<

hey ho lets go
currently at 2725 wds
slow progress, no story, no direction, few characters
ridiculous sci-fi with feline cast
????
profit

i just applied to do some art for one!! i am really really excited, whoa
hopefully they will say yes

i have never had a single deep thought in my entire life
someone please show me where the higher conciousness is

im an idiot oh my god im an idiot

im an idiot oh my god im an idiot

barke barke considering doing marker commissions
gotta get some better examples done
barke barke
bye bye

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=98KiqCJSGWw
is fucking amazing
im extremely jealous of those people in the audience
and st. vincent is really cool too and they make an awesome team

ive been talking to 4 friends recently over skype and facebook and it feels really nice!!
just to talk to them! all four of them are lovely and it makes me sad that i have only seen 2 of the fuckers in person

man my main worry or insecurity is that i have a really inconsistent way of drawing
on the one hand i kind of want some sorta fundamental stuff to be the same
linewidth, line style, colours and shape motifs and stuff like that

it kinda sucks to feel as though im not so recognisable with my art and such
but then again im really trying hard not to fall into the sameface trap or stock poses etc etc

ah what a hard life i live
my struggle is real

hey friends guess who's back
double guns and a wink
ive gotta crapton of art to upload and then some art history essays to write
thbtbtbt

im off on holiday, yahoo
8 hours in the van yesterday and a ferry trip and another van marathon today
then we get to germany >B)