Hey!

So it's been forever since I've been on here... My life has gotten all kinds of interesting, and this summer has been AWESOME, and I only have a few minutes here.... I need to go pack for a trip to Mexico... so I'll be gone for the next week or so, building a house and stuff, but I wanted to post something here. I guess, that I'm alive, and stuff is going well. Man, there is a LOT I want to share...

Hmmm. Can I do it quickly? Let's see! Last time I was here was like... Christmas... since then I joined a gay softball team. And that was a BRILLIANT idea. I made a good group of gay friends there, had fun, and kicked butt! I had been wondering how you make gay friends... I mean, every guy you meet is a potential, right? But sleeping with teammates is stupid, and though it happens, I wasn't going to. So now I have a pile of guys who are friends!

My job went well, I substituted high school and junior high a TON, and ended up getting a job for next year! I'll be teaching high school language arts. Boom!

Dating went well, my family got more comfortable with the gayness, and around last spring I fell in love. For the first time in MY LIFE. And he wasn't interested. Whups. Then I fell in love AGAIN, with a softball player from another team! We met so naturally, not through scruff or grinder or anything... it's been awesome. He's a punk, a filthy little bastard who loves to antagonize me, he's funny, crazy smart, and seeeeeexy as hell. So now we've been official for 2 months. Pow. I'll post a pic here of him soon. He's way too sexy for me!

And now tomorrow he's going to meet my family. The first guy I've ever introduced them to. I'm scared, but I really think it will go very well. And then I'm off with my brother's church to mexico, to build a house and visit and orphanage.

That's been everything, more or less... It's been a CRAAAAAZY summer! Any of you guys who read all of this, I'd love to hear what's going on with YOU!

So yeah. I spent the last week sending out around 60 or 70 emails and Facebook messages, and posted my final coming out on Wednesday... I'm exhausted! But, I'm also out! CRAZY!!! A year ago, I never would have thought I'd be here now...

FA has been a big part of this, and me figuring myself out. Thanks you guys.

Crazy. I move to Washington and a couple of months later gay marriage is legalized here! There was a several-blocks long huge street party downtown PACKED with people - I just got home from it (its almost 3 AM)! And I'm substitute teaching Jr high tomorrow!

Also, pot got legalized here. I have no idea how that will pan out!!

So... now I guess I need to find someone to marry! :0)

I'm tired... and I NEED sleep... but it's a full moon. It's raining out, but I know it's still there. What's left of it. So I wanted to journal a bit...

So. I guess I'm settling in to being gay, here in Seattle. I still have some more coming out to do, but not to anyone here. So that's good. I've been out to a some bars a few times, and met a bunch of guys for coffee dates and stuff. That's been fun, but it's also getting old...

Last weekend I was invited out by this gay couple I've become buddies with (they call me Mr Woofy), and so I dressed up like a sexy soldier (as in I wore my ACU camos and boots and cap, but no under shirt and my jacket open and sleeves rolled up). It was a lot of fun! I got drunk but never bought a drink... that's really cool! But mostly it was fun because these friends I've made a really cool guys.

And that's the trick. Finding FRIENDS. That's a really weird part of this thing. So like, my whole life I've been GREAT at making friends... but it sure helped that none of them even COULD have messed around with me! Well I mean I guess they could have, but no one went there at all. But now, every guy I meet is a potential! So, how the HELL do you just make gay FRIENDS?! And where do you make them at? Like, how do you even MEET them?

Hmmm. It's a sticky wicket.

Anyway... I know I sound energetic but I'm about to pass out. I just realized that I should update my news stuff! So, right now, no boyfriends or anything. Like... 3 FRIEND friends... so that's good... I'm hoping to grow that number! Oh I mean gay friends. Still got a mountain for straight friends. Everywhere. I'm knee deep in straight people around here.

Ok. Gotta sleep. If you've got any ideas, I'd be all over em like... well like how I get all cuddly when I drink. ;0)

Hey!

So I've been here in Seattle for about a month, and things have been awesome. And crazy. But mostly awesome. I've been on a bazillion dates, and already managed to break a heart... which sucks horribly... make some friends, and I met a few furs at a bar! But, I forgot their names, because I was a little drunk...

And tonight I have a date! Like a real one, with a guy WAY out of my league! WAAAAY out! I'm excited. And nervous. But mostly excited.

I've also learned a ton... like a lot of things that most guys probably already knew... things like, everyone kisses differently! Like REALLY differently! I didn't know that... and some are good at it, and some aren't. AT ALL. Also, dancing is tons of fun! And there are a bazillion gay bars here. And gay guys. Aaaaaaall kinds of them. I went to a "gaymer" party, and there was a short Asian drag Queen Amadala. That's amazing. I've met an artist for sci fi and fantasy stuff, and already done some modeling for him! That was awesome. My friends up here (all straight) had a huge "welcome to Seattle" party that they called the Gay-a-palooza, or the Gay Gala, for those who wanted to class it up a bit. There were blue cake balls, I got a coloring book called "Sometimes the spoon runs away with another spoon", and we watched a movie on a huge screen out in the woods next to a bonfire. Like 17 people. It was wonderful. And a little hilarious when I drunkenly fell into a muddy stream! But mostly wonderful.

And now tonight I'm being taken out on a "real date", as he called it. He's like... way out of my league. He's got an amazing job, two houses, speaks Russian for FUN, and ... yeah. I'm dating. Guys. This is awesome.

Completely awesome.

Hey.

So. It's been a while since I've been here on FA. My summer has been crazy. I just got back last night from two weeks of travel, and that was RIGHT after another week... I got a new car, and it's taking me everywhere...

I'm moving to Seattle! Yeah. That's happening in like... within a couple weeks. Being in this small southern Oregon town has been killing me slowly. And my friends up there have almost all been awesome. So. I'm moving. I'll be writing and either land a teaching job or subbing for high school and jr. high.

Uh... I can't remember my previous posts really well but ... I think I mentioned struggling with my sexuality and all that. Weeeeell the struggle is done. I'm into guys. And that's part of moving up to Seattle. All of my Bible college friends up there have all been accepting and loving, so I'm going to go be around them for a while. Also, I want to be in a bigger city! Does anyone I know through this live up there?! That'd be kind of cool. But I've already started making new friends up there who are gay and what not, and, like I said, piles of good old fiends who know all about me and love me and are supportive and stuff.

Oh that's new. So I've been coming out a lot... Everyone I know up in the Seattle area knows now. Only ONE guy out of... how many... like maybe SIXTEEN friends up there reacted badly! He tried to make up for it by being a total dick, but... that's not that bad! All the rest have rallied. My family who live in San Francisco have taken it fine (told then two weeks ago), my mom and dad took it great (week and a half for dad), and my brother is supportive but it's taking time. There are some tough ones. But really... only a few. I'm very fortunate, and thankful.

So that's what's been keeping me all off this and busy! I'm doing pretty good though. And alive. And seeing guys now...

Thanks for reading all of this! any feedback would be great. Or spam. Anything really.

I have nothing to say here, but my last Journal was about how I was sick. And I'm not sick anymore. So... How about I toss out a scatterbomb update on my life!

Hmm. Well, I need to move. Maybe to Seattle? My roommate wants to live alone again. I think he's also a little uncomfortable with me liking guys. Oh, so I like guys, and I'm getting more open about that. Except last night I had a dream about a beautiful girl. Weird. But yesterday MORNING I did fun things with a beautiful guy, so... hahaha! Life is insane, isn't it? Just something you can't really think through... and that's spectacular, really.

What else is going on? I need to write another mission to my sci fi text game phone app Mobile Armored Marine. I'm really REALLY excited about how many people really liked it! Sometime I want to write a book... baby steps!

My skateboarding job is still making plenty of money. So that's cool. Summer is almost here so I won't be teaching here soon. Last week I was teaching this math class and a pack of girls came by and wanted to hug me and take pictures with me! It was super weird!! Also had a gay kid in a class, and got to encourage him.

I'm now in Portland, and about to roughhouse with my 11 year old nephew and 8 year old niece when they get home from school. There will be a lot of screaming. I like to throw them, and they like to shoot at me with nerf guns and hit me with foam weapons. I love them so much...

This weekend I'm heading out to Eastern Washington with a pack of buddies from Bible college (who are all ok with me liking guys!) to take part in a crazy rodeo weekend event?! Sleeping in a barn, drinking with farmers and shooting guns! It's gonna be crazy stupid fun...

So. In a nutshell, I'm doing fanfuckingtastic!

I've been sick of THREE AND A HALF WEEKS NOW! I had a cold, then it turned into bronchitis, and maybe some kind of "walking pneumonia"?! I'm just NOW getting better. Whew.

Anyway, if you were wondering why I fell off the planet, that's why. Good times.

About a week ago, I was laying on my bed, listening to some fanfuckingtastic christian worship music, looking out my window at the sun and clouds... I was texting back and forth with a buddy of mine. He's similar to me. If he and I lived closer we'd probably be dating, but he's 4 time zones away. Anyway, I texted him, "Dude. I think I'm gay." I got back a bunch of laughter, which is appropriate - I've seen his junk a lot, and he's seen mine! But still. That's big for me to say.

That's when I drew the picture Accept the Rain.

I feel like that's me there, walking along, and life has been raining on me. It's been cold and uncomfortable, and I've been fighting it. I've been fighting this storm, this weather, this truth that keeps drenching me one drop at a time, soaking into my clothes, my skin, my mind. But. No longer. This is natural. This is beautiful. This is part of my life. Part of my story. Part of me. I need to turn towards it, let it wash over me, and smile.

...

I hope someone out there gets something out of this for themselves, too. What's your rain?

Hey. So. I'm sort of using FA as a place to post journal-like things. Well, this is CALLED a journal. So. It fits. :0)

Anyway. My last post was at like 4 in the morning, while I laid there thinking about sexuality and liking guys and what all that means. It's been a couple of weeks. A couple of really bad weeks.

First off, I've become more comfortable with the idea that I'm not "straight". I don't know if I'm bi or gay or just flat out weird, but I know I'm not just a regular old red blooded truck driving straight guy. I sure LOOK like one, but ... I know I'm not.

I've also lost my long term subbing job because of this, and been forced to tell about 10 people down here what I'm going through. Including my roommate... I'm scared of what he thinks. Ugg.

And I'm still all up in my own head. I have a VERY hot female friend who I hung out with the other night, and she knows what I'm dealing with and is supper supportive. So, we end up all cuddled up and "pretzeled", as she calls it, but she's asking me all these really good questions... do I still like girls? Could I be happy with a guy? Could I be happy with just one person? What is it about guys that I like? All that stuff. And ... I mean, those are good questions...

I think I'm going to have to move again... this small town isn't a good place to figure this all out. Not if I really want an answer. And I do. I want synthesis. I want to feel confident in whatever I think I am. And I need help getting to that point.

The low energy bulb in the lamp next to my chair is making creepy fizzling noises. I don't like it.

Hi. I don't know if anyone reads these things ever, but I need somewhere to write some thoughts down, so here it is.

It's 4:30 in the morning. I woke up like half an hour ago and can't get back to sleep, so I'm laying here in bed typing this on my phone. Life's weird.

VERY weird. So... I always thought I was straight. But over the last few months I've pretty much proven to myself that whatever I am, I'm not just "straight". Not JUST straight. Not... Straight. Maybe not. Maybe ... Maybe guys give me something that I crave, that I just can't get from girls. Maybe ... Maaaaaaybe I DO like guys. Some guys. A lot.... Siiiigh.....

BUT! But I still kinda want to be with girls too. Kinda? Hmmm. Maybe kinda. Maybe just because I know it'd be safe? Is that it? Mmmmm.... Not sure. Because there's this one who I REALLY enjoy being with... Chelsea.... She's ... Well. She's got it. And I enjoy being with her a lot. But!

BUT!!!

But is she enough? That's a weird question. And my actions scream NO. If actions follow beliefs, then I believe that I want to fool around with guys. I mean, I keep putting myself into positions for it. What's that about? And I'm a little closer than the average straight dude with a gay couple I'm buddies with. Buddies. HA! Yeah. Sheesh.

So! So what does this all mean? Am I ... Fighting being ... Gay? Or am I just a horny bastard slut? Or am I some kind of bisexual mess who won't ever be satisfied with just one...? That option scares me. This whole THING scares me. And makes me tired. I'm so tired of thinking about it. Tired of fighting. Tired of trying to understand. Tired of ... Shit. I'm just ...

And here now it's 4:44 AM, and I'm NOT tired.

Fear. Frustration. Anger. Sadness. Sunbreaks of joy that never last more than the moment that they burst through. And in and above and woven through it all, an inexplicable, confusing ... Presence? Yeah. That's there too. God. I think He cares, but... He doesn't seem to push or shove me in any direction. No... That's for everyone else to do. I'm sick of my gay friends telling me I'm gay, and my straight friends telling me I'm straight. It all seems wrong.

Something is wrong...

Damnit I'd kill to not be alone in this fucking bed right now. Not for sex. Fuck sex. Just ... To not be alone. Not right now.

Guess I should pray. Why is that always the last thing I think of? Hmmm. Probably because You, dear Father, aren't the cuddly type...

Jeez I'm sore from working out. That's not helping. I'm gonna get my buddy to rub me down tomorrow. That should help... :0P And maybe I should draw something? Yeah. Vomit this out into art... Damn I wish I was asleep. I wish I was asleep.

Ok. It's almost 5. Im gonna give sleep another go. Hug the hell out my pillow here. Turn my heart to Heaven. Maybe shake my fist a little. :0)

If you read this, well... Thank you? I think? I mean, its pretty rambling. And I'm not going to go back and proof read it, so... Yeah. Thank you for reading this. Seriously.

... I hope I dream!

Hey! So, I wrote a choose your own adventure style game that's out on Android and iPhone! It's called MOBILE ARMORED MARINE, and is a military sci fi story. Download it for free!

And if you have any suggestions or feedback or anything, let me know. I'm going to make a sequel here soonish, and it you find any bugs in this one or anything at all, let me know - I can do updates!

Anyway, it's free! Check it out! :0)

I moved to Portland, Oregon a couple months ago, and would be all over meeting anyone nearby to hang out. So far I've made some friends, but I'm very social!

So, recently I visited this orphanage in Mexico with my brother's church, and the kids started calling me "panda". So I'm a big guy, but I'm not THAT big! I think they must have recently seen Kung Fu Panda 2 or something, because they made sure I knew they were calling me THAT panda! So after about 3 hours of kids crawling all over me and calling me panda, I went on to go do some building work, where the rest of the team found out. One lady says, "Yeah, you do kind of look like a panda..." !! So then that night I had this crazy dream where I was trying to get this wild wolf pup to like me, by feeding it, which is awesome because I RARELY dream of wolves! But in the dream, I would just go to pet the wolf but then get distracted and look away and look back and this stupid fat panda had shoved the wolf aside, and I was petting IT instead! Oh and this panda was lame - like almost like badly drawn...? This happened a few times! For the rest of the trip, every day the kids would call me panda, and then the team I went with started calling me panda... and NOW I have friends at home calling me "panda"...

So... I might start drawing some pandas... and I think maybe I should loose some weight or something while I'm at it!

Soooo, my computer needs to get sent in for some work, and I won't have it back until Monday. So if you were watching me learn how to fiddle with my new drawing tablet, well, it's gonna be a while.

At least I can focus on the X Games I guess!

Hey everyone who stumbles across this!

So, here's something that's been going on with me. So I'm a Christian. And not just like I grew up that way only, or like I was baptized once - no, I mean that I really believe in the whole thing, and I even went to a bible college, and volunteer working with youth groups, and teach bible studies every once in a while.

So, along with all that, I always thought that being gay or bi or anything other than black and white STRAIGHT was bad. Aaaaand, that meant that I kinda talked trash about gay people, too. I had a gay roommate once, and I didn't like him. I have a gay cousin, and I don't like him either. The fun thing is that all this animosity towards homosexuals certainly has something to do with my having loads of gay experieneces with a certain cousing (not the one I just mentioned) when I was young. And I felt super guilty about it... Honestly, it was a mess, and I think that helped fuel my animosity towards homosexuals even more.

Now fast forward to today. Over the last year, I've had several very deep and enlightening conversations with some of my friends from bible college. I feel like God has been leading me to challenge these attitudes of the past, and to see my own hypocrisy, and how He calls us to love each other... And I haven't been doing that at ALL. *sigh*

I recently read an article that explores what the bible DOES say about homosexuality - it's very interesting: http://www.soulforce.org/article/ho.....-gay-christian. Apparently, it says nothing. After reading that, I did a little research into the Greek words translated as "homosexuals", and found that this is ANYTHING but clear! A lot of hate and hurt have been championed by the church... That's something were all too good at...

So, this brings me to why Im writing all of this. Honestly, I don't understand homosexuality, or bisexuality, or sexuality in general. The one thing I'm certain of is that I haven't acted with love in the past... And I know there are LOTS of Christians out there who fail in the same way. I want to say that I've been wrong, and that the church DOESN'T represent the heart of Christ in this matter very well at all. And I'm sorry for that. My hope that just as I think God has shown me how my attitudes don't reflect His, that the same might be happening elsewhere in the church as well. I hope so. Jesus so clearly told us that the whole law of God can be summed up with Love God with all you are, and love your neighbor... I've failed at that, and I'm sorry.

The other thing I wanted to do here was open myself up, in case you want to yell at a Christian, take out some grievance or hurt, or ask questions or anything.

Hey guys!

So, I've been posting some more sketches lately, but that's all they are - sketches with pencil. I'd like to take the dive and start drawing with some color, but I honestly don't know where to start at all.

I'm looking at tablets, but does anyone here use the kind that look like you'redrawing directly onto a screen? If so, how's that work for you, and what brand do you use?

Also, if anyone knows of any great tutorials that you might wanna point me to, that'd help too!

Thanks a ton!