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Growing Up.
General | Posted 11 years agoEvery time a relationship of mine ends, I get faced with the reality that I am not sure if I have been growing up and accepting adulthood. Or just faking it all along. I revert back to my oldest online friends, and most of my old romping grounds. I see old faces. I make amends for disappearing because I wanted to "move on past those things" or some other stupid form of me denying parts of who I am.
How do you grow up? How do you add more layers onto yourself, without smothering those that already exist?
At this point I am very transitive, I recently ended a relationship that was nearly 3 years long, my longest to date in fact, and I know to some people that is not too long at all, but to me it was. I had slowly grown complacent and thrilled at the prospect of waking up to this person in my life every day until I died...
..but I am bad at showing that sort of thing. Such is life. So it goes. We move on.
Where do we go to? Back to those that comfort us? I am lucky to have friends that will always be there for me, no matter what, who have seen me through thick and thin, and everything in-between. Who have known me at my lowest and highest.
But it also begs the question, if I love these people so much, why are they the first to go when I want to build up defenses and let someone new into my life? Why are they not the ones I hide behind, as opposed to trying to go it alone time and time again?
I am not sure yet if I am ready to move on, or not, or if I want to go back and never leave. Staying there has it's own stresses and issues, drama and people that are just far to to much to bear. But leaving them all for good seems like a move I am not sure I can actually make.
I don't know if I am asking for advice, or just venting, or just need someone to hug me close and tell me everything will be alright. The other issue with being so transitive, is that I feel like I am always in fight or flight mode, except fighting is staying here in Ohio, and flight is just that. I could go to the city that has called my name for over a decade now... or I could choose somewhere else to start new. I have to find a place where friends will be though, I need those. But.. I have those here.
Why does life become so confusing so quickly so much?
How do you grow up? How do you add more layers onto yourself, without smothering those that already exist?
At this point I am very transitive, I recently ended a relationship that was nearly 3 years long, my longest to date in fact, and I know to some people that is not too long at all, but to me it was. I had slowly grown complacent and thrilled at the prospect of waking up to this person in my life every day until I died...
..but I am bad at showing that sort of thing. Such is life. So it goes. We move on.
Where do we go to? Back to those that comfort us? I am lucky to have friends that will always be there for me, no matter what, who have seen me through thick and thin, and everything in-between. Who have known me at my lowest and highest.
But it also begs the question, if I love these people so much, why are they the first to go when I want to build up defenses and let someone new into my life? Why are they not the ones I hide behind, as opposed to trying to go it alone time and time again?
I am not sure yet if I am ready to move on, or not, or if I want to go back and never leave. Staying there has it's own stresses and issues, drama and people that are just far to to much to bear. But leaving them all for good seems like a move I am not sure I can actually make.
I don't know if I am asking for advice, or just venting, or just need someone to hug me close and tell me everything will be alright. The other issue with being so transitive, is that I feel like I am always in fight or flight mode, except fighting is staying here in Ohio, and flight is just that. I could go to the city that has called my name for over a decade now... or I could choose somewhere else to start new. I have to find a place where friends will be though, I need those. But.. I have those here.
Why does life become so confusing so quickly so much?
Am I back? Did I ever leave?
General | Posted 11 years agoI enjoy the shadows. I watch. I wait. I am awkward and shy. I want to make more friends. But I am bad at things like that. I want more art but find it easier to buy it for those I love than for myself. But I never did leave, just been idling around here for nearly a decade.
Love you all <3
Love you all <3
Today was a day.
General | Posted 11 years agoSo, hi, hello, hi.
Hey
hello
hi...
hello...
hi.
So today was a day. Like any other exciting day it started before 4am, I woke up from a nightmare and vaulted out of bed over my footboard, and decided I should go to the restroom to clear my head. And because I was awake, if I don't go then, I'll never get back to sleep. I don;t remember anything in the bathroom, but I remember as soon as I walked out I started hyperventilating, and then got dizzy, and then fell against the corner of the door jamb outside the bathroom hard, and next thing I know it's nearly 30 mins later and I am trying to remember how I got in a heap on my hallway floor. I remember feeling like I was on fire, except it was not warm in my apartment, hell, the window was open!
This sort of put me in an odd place all day, I suffer from really bad bouts of vertigo sometimes, and this lingered with me the same way that did. All day I was just on edge and not well. So at work I was struggling with getting a rubber boot on a piece of pipe, I was struggling because we had forgotten the RIGHT boots in the morning, and swung by a Lowe's to get these... these were not right, and too small. I spent two hours trying to get rubber boots on pipe. All the while my right hand with a large cut in the palm from a piece of tile that exploded yesterday was hurting more and more. So I snapped, I cried for five minutes. Then got my shit together and got work done.
THEN. THIS EVENING. I finally fixed my mother's van! So damn exciting! Recently I went on a trip up to Ann Arbor via Akron Ohio from Columbus, and that trip must have been too much for the van, because the bushing for the AC Compressor pulley blew apart the next day after the trip. The AC Compressor for that is a $600 part, so my mom spent TWO WEEKS trying to look for a replacement vehicle that is comfortable for her, because of her injured hip. Finally today I decided enough was enough, and tore the serpentine belt off, found a way to re-route it without the AC Compressor, bought a smaller belt, and IT WORKS! WOOHOO!
Hey
hello
hi...
hello...
hi.
So today was a day. Like any other exciting day it started before 4am, I woke up from a nightmare and vaulted out of bed over my footboard, and decided I should go to the restroom to clear my head. And because I was awake, if I don't go then, I'll never get back to sleep. I don;t remember anything in the bathroom, but I remember as soon as I walked out I started hyperventilating, and then got dizzy, and then fell against the corner of the door jamb outside the bathroom hard, and next thing I know it's nearly 30 mins later and I am trying to remember how I got in a heap on my hallway floor. I remember feeling like I was on fire, except it was not warm in my apartment, hell, the window was open!
This sort of put me in an odd place all day, I suffer from really bad bouts of vertigo sometimes, and this lingered with me the same way that did. All day I was just on edge and not well. So at work I was struggling with getting a rubber boot on a piece of pipe, I was struggling because we had forgotten the RIGHT boots in the morning, and swung by a Lowe's to get these... these were not right, and too small. I spent two hours trying to get rubber boots on pipe. All the while my right hand with a large cut in the palm from a piece of tile that exploded yesterday was hurting more and more. So I snapped, I cried for five minutes. Then got my shit together and got work done.
THEN. THIS EVENING. I finally fixed my mother's van! So damn exciting! Recently I went on a trip up to Ann Arbor via Akron Ohio from Columbus, and that trip must have been too much for the van, because the bushing for the AC Compressor pulley blew apart the next day after the trip. The AC Compressor for that is a $600 part, so my mom spent TWO WEEKS trying to look for a replacement vehicle that is comfortable for her, because of her injured hip. Finally today I decided enough was enough, and tore the serpentine belt off, found a way to re-route it without the AC Compressor, bought a smaller belt, and IT WORKS! WOOHOO!
Meme thinger I stole from Artiamus
General | Posted 15 years ago[ ] you meow/bark to get attention (or whine)
[x] you find pets toys amusing
[ ] you get hyper by the smell of catnip
[ ] you growl/hiss when someone gets too close to your food
[ ] you growl/hiss when someone you dislike is too close to you
[x] you purr/shake your leg when someone shows you affection
[ ] if someone tosses a ball, you chase it and brings it back
Total: 2
[x] you love to be scratched behind the ear
[x] you love fish/meat
[x] you like to stick your head out trough the window of a moving car
[ ] you like when people pet your head
[ ] people can make you stop doing stuff by hitting you on the nose with a newspaper
[ ] you think feathers are fun to play with
Total: 3 [5]
[ ] you sleep a lot during daytime
[ ] you enjoy scaring birds
[ ] you lick peoples faces to show you like them
[ ] you bite people if they annoy you
[ ] you tend to steal food from your friends/family's plate when you have eaten all of yours
[x] milk or water is your favorite drink
Total: 1 [6]
[ ] you own a collar and you enjoy wearing it
[ ] you own a leash and enjoy wearing it
[ ] you own animal ears/tail/paws or a fursuit
[x] you enjoy long walks in the park
[ ] you meow/bark when you see something you want
Total: 1 [7]
[x] you call your hands and feet "paws" (online, depending where)
[ ] you tilt your head when you do not understand what someone is talking about
[ ] you run to the door when someone mentions a walk
[x] you really enjoy cuddling
[ ] you stretch your body and whimper a bit every morning when you wake up
[x] you can wake up and go back to sleep right away after looking around
Total: 3 [10]
[ ] you have your favorite spot besides your bed where you like to sleep
[ ] you meow or bark very often
[ ] you hide when you get scared
[ ] you run to the door to see who it is every time someone comes in to the house
[ ] you like to chase flying insects and try to catch them with your bare hand
[x] you tend to chew on stuff a lot
[ ] you like to do tricks to get a treat
Total: 1 [11]
[ ] you own a wearable item/tag with your name on it
[x] you refer to your self as an animal (online, depending where)
[ ] your username has something to do with animals
[ ] your e-mail has something to do with animals
[x] if you get a bleeding wound, you lick it to make it feel better
[x] you look for edible stuff often
Total: 3 [14]
[x] you often find yourself looking through the window for a long time
[ ] you like to say hi to strangers
[ ] you like to be petted when you have done something good
[ ] people think you act like a pet
[ ] you growl/hiss at stuff you do not like
[ ] you like to eat grass
[ ] if you get wet, you shake to get rid of the water
Total: 1 [15]
Final Total: 15
Add up, times 2 = win
30.
[x] you find pets toys amusing
[ ] you get hyper by the smell of catnip
[ ] you growl/hiss when someone gets too close to your food
[ ] you growl/hiss when someone you dislike is too close to you
[x] you purr/shake your leg when someone shows you affection
[ ] if someone tosses a ball, you chase it and brings it back
Total: 2
[x] you love to be scratched behind the ear
[x] you love fish/meat
[x] you like to stick your head out trough the window of a moving car
[ ] you like when people pet your head
[ ] people can make you stop doing stuff by hitting you on the nose with a newspaper
[ ] you think feathers are fun to play with
Total: 3 [5]
[ ] you sleep a lot during daytime
[ ] you enjoy scaring birds
[ ] you lick peoples faces to show you like them
[ ] you bite people if they annoy you
[ ] you tend to steal food from your friends/family's plate when you have eaten all of yours
[x] milk or water is your favorite drink
Total: 1 [6]
[ ] you own a collar and you enjoy wearing it
[ ] you own a leash and enjoy wearing it
[ ] you own animal ears/tail/paws or a fursuit
[x] you enjoy long walks in the park
[ ] you meow/bark when you see something you want
Total: 1 [7]
[x] you call your hands and feet "paws" (online, depending where)
[ ] you tilt your head when you do not understand what someone is talking about
[ ] you run to the door when someone mentions a walk
[x] you really enjoy cuddling
[ ] you stretch your body and whimper a bit every morning when you wake up
[x] you can wake up and go back to sleep right away after looking around
Total: 3 [10]
[ ] you have your favorite spot besides your bed where you like to sleep
[ ] you meow or bark very often
[ ] you hide when you get scared
[ ] you run to the door to see who it is every time someone comes in to the house
[ ] you like to chase flying insects and try to catch them with your bare hand
[x] you tend to chew on stuff a lot
[ ] you like to do tricks to get a treat
Total: 1 [11]
[ ] you own a wearable item/tag with your name on it
[x] you refer to your self as an animal (online, depending where)
[ ] your username has something to do with animals
[ ] your e-mail has something to do with animals
[x] if you get a bleeding wound, you lick it to make it feel better
[x] you look for edible stuff often
Total: 3 [14]
[x] you often find yourself looking through the window for a long time
[ ] you like to say hi to strangers
[ ] you like to be petted when you have done something good
[ ] people think you act like a pet
[ ] you growl/hiss at stuff you do not like
[ ] you like to eat grass
[ ] if you get wet, you shake to get rid of the water
Total: 1 [15]
Final Total: 15
Add up, times 2 = win
30.
