I still exist in a small corner, dwindling in size, yet still clinging to the last bits of life that are within reach.
But it has been a while...
Too long, I think.
However, I am here. Things have been exhausting and hectic on my end from multiple deaths in my family
to having someone close to the family try to recover from being t-boned on his motor cycle, working 6 days
a week (probably 8 days straight this week), and trying to maintain some shred of existence outside of working and
sleeping and working some more.
But I am alive. I hope you all are doing well.

x ces

PS: may start branching out to other sites. I am, however, on Twitter if you guys do that thing.

yeah that happened.
was yesterday considering it's midnight now.
....I'm
wow
I tripped for the first time still yesss
how many did I eat? SSS
stems

an angry little fussy organ...and hopped up on painkillers and anti nausea meds...I hurt, a lot....
I hope you guys don't have to go through that, it was pretty painful after the anesthesia wore off.

wehhhhhhh I'm going to sleep for the next ten years zzzzz

-ces

going under at 11 tonight...I'm scared

all signs point to...yes.
I'm going to the doctors soon cause this is the most painful thing I've ever experienced.

I hope it's nothing too serious but describing it to my grandmother today revealed that
the symptoms I had and what she went through are spot on...
I'm terrified of surgery....

I hope you guys are all okay <3

-ces

I messed up
I'm really messed up

I'm crumbling

I just want to get some things off my chest as to why I'm taking a break. Nothing bad happened to me here on the site.
Despite several ass things that go on on FA, I do enjoy the company here. It's cozy.
No, despite my facade of being okay, I'm not okay.
Insecurity eats me alive most days and I try to keep it subdued the best I can.
It's been hitting me extremely hard the past week and I need some time off to relax and collect myself.
It may be a rather asenine thing to get fussy over but every time I've streamed the past week, I maybe
would get one viewer afte rlike an hour or so. The last nigh tI streamed before I wanted a break, three or
four of the usuals came in and I enjoyed the company...but even though it may seem a bit silly to get upset
over something like this but it makes me feel like other's aren't interested in my work...
I don't know, between trying to get over another bad spell of depression and insecurity of my art
and several other personal things, I need some head space...

I'm sorry if all of this seems silly or foolish but without my art, I don't feel like I have any worth...It means the world to
me and this is the way I like to connect with people. If it's not pleasing to myself and others, what good am I?

//sigh

Hopefully I'll be able to get over this soon...I hope everyone else is well
I also hope no one takes this as a grab for sympathy. I try my best to keep this inside but sometimes I feel
that these things need an explanation and that the people who still actively talk to me on here might want to
know without contacting me personally...

//ces

I'm pretty upset/angry/frustrated with many things

bye

I think I'm at an artistic road block. I have been very stressed the past week or so.
I WANT to draw but I can't bring myself to. I feel like poop :c

If you want/feel up to it/are bored/PLEASE, send me some wicked cool artists or robots or wicked cool artists that draw robots.
thank

I hope everyone else is fairing well

-cespoop

I might...be buying my first place. On my own. No room mates. Just me, my bird, and occasionally my partner.
I'm ecstatic, I'm trying to process it. It's surreal...
I hope I can get the place soon. we shall see...

where am I when I'm not here? I'm tending to all my sweet babes over on FR!
oh look, here I am.
yes, I love ridgebacks, all of my dragons except maroux is a beautiful ridgie uwu

if you guys have a flight rising, I have no problem being friends there uwu
soon, I hope to open up some precious dragon commissions cause I wanna draw some babes!
(mostly ridgebacks)

- ces

Well...let me rephrase, I finally slept thoroughly.
For the past two weeks I've been functioning on a few hours of broken sleep
each night and it's been grating on my nerves and causing me to stress about
a ton of things...
That's a major reason why I haven't been churning out art as much as I'd like
to be. Its been affecting me wholly and my drive to draw has plummeted...

Aside from not sleeping well, I'm still nervous about going back "home" in August.
It's been eating at me but thankfully, I'll have a place to stay that isn't where I
used to live. I want to see a few people but my goal is mainly to get my stuff back
that I thought I had lost. Granted its from an old life that I'm trying to forget, but
there are some extremely sentimental things that I want to get back and have in
my life again...but there's a part of me that's telling me "it's just stuff" but I can't
let go of it. I was sent away with nothing but my clothes and my bird...I would like
some familiarity back...

- - -

On a side note, your commissions are going to buy my feathered child a nice big
cage. When I moved, I had to put him in a smaller cage and while I leave it open
literally all the time, I feel the lack of space is stressing him out and I would like
to get him a big living space. It's been on my list of things to do for some time
now but I can now get him one with a bit more freedom than before.
So in case you were wondering what my commissions are going twards, its for my bby <3

///ces

I love talking with my friends, I really do, however, I'd like to state something.
I have a very busy life sometimes and I no longer have the luxury of lounging in
front of my laptop as much as I used to. Between work and keeping my living space
somewhat spotless (I've become a cleaning fiend the past few months), I don't have
alot of time to waste anymore. Also, I have beem scraping some what of a social life
together with my room mates and partner as well.
Even when I'm mobile on my iPad, I'll get busy and not have time to check things.
But please know that your messages do get read eventually even if I don't answer
right away!
I'm sorry if this has frustrated people in the past ;~; <33

--ces

I'm still alive! I also have several big things to post soon that I've been working on including more Bravado and
some Ces porns! I also have some new characters to introduce and dflkjdfgI'm just excited I've been really cranking
out some art here recently but I need to finish them all before I can post uwu
I hop you guys are all doing well!

So many ideas ouo I hope I can bring them all to life~

///ces

I haven't written a journal in some time now. too long I think...

I haven't been so good. I mean, I got a job, that's all good and well. I'll be able to afford rent and food now and have a tiny bit of spending money to get some things I need.
On a more somber note, what little bit of positive relationship I was rekindling with my family is gone now.
I never had a terribly good relationship with them and I won't get into it but I'm a little heated over
the whole thing...

but I wanted you guys to know I'm alive and trying to hang in there.
I want to paint bravado some more...

///ces

I have a laptop that is capable to handle doing art on! I also have a tablet and I'm working out some kinks with that. Hopefully I'll have everything worked out soon and then I can start painting again.

I missed being able to draw. With some luck, I'll be streaming again in no time c:

I sure hope you all are doing well. I'm starting to get better day by day.

- ces

I'm going to go job hunting soon...yeah I'll get a job, a small job. And then I willl be able to buy things, small things.
I can bu small things that will make me happy. Robots. Robots make me happy.
A little starscream or maybe a soundwave. I have my eye on a black convoy as well...And especally a G1 whirl uwu;
And I could buy groceries and cook for my room mates and start having my own things again...things I like.

I was stripped of all of that...all of it. Yes they are just things...but they were things that meant the world to me.
And I'll start again by getting some of my beloved robots uwu
my robots make me happy...and recieving lovely things in the mail frrom my love

- the ramblings of a far too exhausted scolex thats too emotional for her current state of tiredness

Okay, this past few weeks has been hella in all the worst ways...so to give back a bit, I am going to thank some people individually who have been the absolute best. uwu

My dearest Chris, where do I begin? Not only has the past few week been survivable because f you but the past eight years as well. I couldn't ask more of you. I find it hard to express in words how deeply rooted my love is for you and I couldn't see my life being what it is without you in it. You're a gem among common stones and I love you dearly for all you've done for me recently and in years past. The simplest things you do bring a smile to my face, whether its changing the subject to get my mind off of things or calling me in wee hours of the morning to whisper a 'goodnight' to me...You constantly ask how I'm feeling and if things you say have improved my mood (they always do). The amount of dedication you've shown me in recent weeks has touched me and from here on out I can't see my life going on without you in it. I love you dear, for as long as I live and from beyond the grave.

My lovely Crayon uwu you are always super fantastic and I'd have it no other way. I hope that eventually I can make it up there to live with you soon but we will have to see where the cards fall. Anyhoo, you are a wonderful shoulder to cry on and you always have sound advice. You can go from sad dumb things to hue in a matter of minutes. You put up with my fussing and especially the screaming about my robotals. You've always been very easy to talk to and I always feel like I can share intimate problems with you no matter what. You have a lovely personality and even at my lowest points you can bring out my happy. Like Chris, you can bring out this feeling that everything will be okay in the end. You've been very helpful in recent weeks and I feel like there's more I could do for you in return. I love you dearest and thank you for all the help you've given me.

Oh Ashley...First of all I have to thank you for putting up with my dumb ideas that you've had to wake up to the past few days. Screaming, literally screaming, about...really dumb things..(robots mostly)...for that I apologize but for some reason you still put up with it. Talking to you makes me smile and between sharing dumb tumblr posts and cackling over silly things our partners did, you've been a tremendous help. I know we had a bit of a spiff later last year but even then part of me missed your company. You keep drawing me precious lovely things and I feel terrible I haven't had the time or motivation to return the favor. Your little beebs you draw for me are most appreciated and I love them to bits. Thank you for making me smile and being precious.

For the others that have helped me that I didn't mention, please don't take this personally. These three people are my stronghold and are the closest people I have right now. I sincerely appreciate the time others have taken to help me out emotionally or otherwise the past few weeks. I jsut felt the need to show some love to those I deeply care for.

x

nothing hurts more than the realization that all of your work, all of your art, and all the soul put into those pieces is just gone and taken from you without a second thought.
I feel hollow...

I went to a used book store today. I bought 4 books today and all were under $10.
I bought Huck Finn, Great Gatsby, Star Trek Log One, and On Doctoring.

It was a pleasant trip.

x

Tired of my moving updates yet? GOOD.
I'm in a permanent home now (well until I have enough cash to scrape together to either get to a good friend of mine OR overseas, but I digress) and things are looking up.
That being said, commissions can now be a steady source of income for me. Not immediately of course, but still relatively soon.
That being said. I'm at square one. I don't have too good of a laptop to work on with very limited HD space left. In the midst of being kicked out I lost my fish Pez, main laptop, tablet, second screen, 3 tb external hard drive (with about a terabyte and a half of fliles including my music collection, all my art and drawings for the past 4 years digital and non, movies, tv shows, writings, and other documents, etc), 1 tb back up hard drive if the 3 tb failed, my ipod, headphones, my record collection (40+ vinyls), my cameras (yashica twin lens, agfa isolette, polaroid, rangefinder, and a ricoh), my dvds and vhs, cassette tapes, tv, and several personal items that were very important to me that my partner sent.
Some stuff I was willing to part with...however I'm still trying to get over the fact that I literally just have my clothes, my bird, and a laptop that my partner sent. That's it. I'm at square one. Before anyone asks, I have been to the police station, tried to claim stolen property (my parents wouldn't let me back on the property and if I did come back they'd call the cops) but because I didn't have receipts for absolutely everything I couldn't prove much. I had two people with me who witnessed my purchasing several fairly important items (my hard drives and tablet)...
I don't know guys. Part of me says fuck it all and start clean but....I lost ALOT in this move...I hate to do it but I will probably start a donation pool or something so I can gather some form of income while I look for a job close t where I'm now living.
I don't know...its technically just things but they were my things I paid for and worked for...whatever, I dont' want to bog you guys down more than I already have. On to the more important stuff.
- - - - -
Commissions I mean. Since my current machine can't handle too much, I can't take larger digital commissions.
I'd like to but I can't.
So if its alright, I would like to stick to smaller, quicker pieces so that I don't pus this machine too far.
I'll keep you updated with prices and what not but for now I don't want to give prices yet to get notes and the like asking if they can be put on a wait list. Its not the people I'm worried about I am just TERRIBLE with wait lists.
So to save everyone headaches, I'd like it to stay first come first serve type of thing. I'll do what I can through out the day and then once I need to retire for the night I'll find a stopping point...I don't know I apologize but most of this has been off the cuff and thinking out loud.
Along with doing these I may try to see if I can get some traditional commissions here where I live.
That being said, I would like to also accumulate some clean works. I may not be so ready to do nsfw stuff so that if I do happen to get clients here, I can show them things without fear of driving them off for nsfw material.

Anyways...I'm about to go to a local book store with my friend so with that
Au revoir.

- ces

I'm moving tomorrow to live with a friend more permanently. I'm excited and scared at the same time.
I know that this is for the better but eventually, I hope that I can get back on my feet soon. I am trying to keep my chin up.
However, I don't know where i would be without my wonderful friends. they have been a lovely support system and i couldnt ask for more from them. for that, i have to thank them a million times over...

i love them to bits.

i hope you all are doing well. im doing better. im relaxed and have a clear head.

— ces

Hello ladies, germs, and fellow parasites.

I'm still alive. I can't really say that I'm alive and well because I'm drained physically and mentally. but I suppose I'm as well as I can be considering my situation.
I have some places to stay. Some are temporary, some are semi permanent and one more permanent with a very dear friend of mine. I'm trying to go day to day with figuring things out and I think that I can get through this. my dear friends and my ever so lovely partner have been the absolute best and I would probably be on the streets if it wasn't for them.
Currently I don't have much stuff to my name, I just have my bird and clothes. I don't have my material things (laptop, hard drive, tablet, ipod, books, records, cameras, and several small things that mean the absolute world to me that I was unable to bring with me when I was kicked out.)
I'm back at square one, however, I feel like this can be a good thing. my outlook on life has changed and I don't think it could get much worse than it already has been...
I hope you all are still doing alright. I don't know if anyone of you worry about me or even care but I guess I'll let you know regardless. I'm hanging in there. I'm still alive and I'll continue to keep slithering along.

In a favored Courage Wolf Quote, I'll leave you.

"Rock bottom? Good, a solid foundation."

- ces -

not moving per say. I am getting kicked out of my house. I do not want to explain the situation to people. I have done so so many times I'm tired of telling it. please do not take this as a sympathy grab either, I didn't want it to come off as that. however, I can't say when I'll be online again as far as posting art goes. the places where I am staying temporarily dont have Internet and for now, all I have to communicate with is my itouch. it's hard to communicate with people over FA with this because the browser isn't very awesome.
I'll have to see we're this takes me. if things go as somewhat plane ill have a more permanent place to stay but for now I can't really say much

I hope you guys are doing okay. I'll miss you

— ces