Alright, I needed to write a new journal to get that last heap of negativity off of my page.

I'm feeling more positive now. I got some drawing books to help me reach my goals, and I think I can feel the vague glimmer of actually getting things together - maybe - in my life. For the first time.

I've really wasted away for a long time and it's been no better lately. No job for about a month, sleeping all the time, behind on school... I hope I can look back on this in a year in a totally different light. I stopped a relationship in which I was basically abusing myself and I feel lost, yet free and motivated now that that is over.

So may good things burst forth from this page in the coming months.

I'm going to bitch. I am a visual artist. I am skilled at lighting, color and composition whether it's photography or paint. I can probably take the most mundane object and represent it in a way that makes it look great. I have a real knack at making things look good.

But that's just the problem. Things. Objects. Places. Stuff. This is what has haunted me my entire life, and why I may often be observed cursing and becoming infuriated while I draw. It's why my latest piece is total shit. Dathan looks like a goddamn bear and the whole picture has about as much character and dynamic as two hairy beanbags on an air mattress.

Fuck. I have never ever been able to create characters that have any more life than a two by four. I can't draw people with any dynamic whatsoever. My portrait photography is flat and stale. It makes me want to scream like a banshee and snap peoples necks right now. It's not their fault I can't draw characters worth a damn but at least some serious neck snapping could take place.

ARGH. FUCK. Okay. I really needed to get that out there. Thanks.