Yes I'm getting a divorce and im not hiding anymore.I was verbally, mentally, physically, and emotionally abused and I will not put my son through this. I am single and not going through anything like I did ever again. Even a raised voice scared me. So now I have a fear of men... So please just bear with me as I'm going through this....

Losing my grandmother after it being a year since my pawpaw died... car is broke down... water pipe is busted under the house... a toilet is cracked... my job has switched my position and I now have less pay with no warning and very few hours so I'm having to apply for a new job... my baby is cutting teeth and I barely see him from me working so much.... I can't pay but barely half of my bills... because I put my sons needs first. .. I just don't know how much more I can take... my health life and marriage is on edge and it's killing me... hardly anyone even reads my journals so i m not looking for sympathy just... to vent.... and maybe help myself but it's not working because as I'm writing this I'm breaking down....

So post partum depression is killing me... causing me to not eat... the meds aren't helping idk what to do....

So yea! Lil man is two months on Wednesday! He's getting big! But yea.. thinking of trying to draw again. But on the upside I have Just dance 2016 for the xbox 1! So... add me! azalearose21

Little Johnie Ray was born Thursday December 17th at 3:14pm central time and weighs 8lbs 3 oz and is 20 inches long :) he's perfect <3 he's not a fussy baby he's so calm and quiet. I love him so much... the pain was worth it. Now for this momma to rest. I've had a long 24 hours.

I'm 2cm... 50% effaced. ... and measuring exactly 39 weeks.... plug still coming out in pieces... but he STILL don't wanna come out :( this mommas ready to see her baby and hold him... and have a small break so the hubby can take over a bit. I'm so drained.... I've been trying to walk and all but to no avail. Tried resting more and being active, don't work either. It just makes me even extra exausted.... ill keep yall updated

The first semi furry movie Disney makes and you start drawing PORN of it? Seriously.... its a freaking kids movie!!! Kids look up things like character names and it pulls up this crap in the search feed if its not on safety..... I'm not bashing anyone I'm just venting.... but still...

And I will be a mommy :3 already 1 cm dilated and 37 weeks... I'm so nervous. ... but soon I shall post the babehs room decor :) me and the hubby are one happy mommy and daddy :3

I'm currently unable to draw atm since I'm painting and getting the house and myself ready for my little baby boy who's going to be here soon. And I am hoping to get at least one drawing of my hubby me and the baby. The sonas we have are these http://www.furaffinity.net/view/15966009/ I was hoping for a mix of the two... I know I haven't been active and I doubt anyone really reads any of my posts anymore... but this means a lot to me. We've been trying and had possibilities but they came crashing down but now we are finally going to have a little one of our own. I'm so busy with work and the house and appts that I never have time to just sit down and draw. I'm constantly on the go or trying to get the little sleep I can. Its getting hard but I'm slowly getting thru it.

Power bill: $240+\-
Phone bill: $101.60
Water bill: $30
Groceries: $100+
Gas for two weeks in the Honda: $25-$30 depending on gas prices
Car insurance: $60

Getting paid only twice a month and on exact same days every month regardless? Priceless. ... child coming soon and having to take off work and possibly not enough coming in? Not good. ... I'm scared that I'm going to go broke when my baby boy comes. ...

So I'm 28 weeks exactly. And baby boy is growing and doing well. But the company I work for is saying they are cutting my hours to 34 a week and I only get paid the 1st and 15th of every month... my power bill even with keeping everything turned off when not using it or unplugged is $200+ a month. ... insurance for my car is $50-60 a month (it keeps flipbflopping for some reason) and my husband is having trouble getting a job due to not having a ged or high school diploma so its hard to find him a job that will pay enough until I go back to work... I'm scared that I will lose power or not be able to pay it nor my insurance and water bill. I'm scared... idk what to do but between work and still trying to fix the house I don't have time to draw and my art has decreased in quality... I can't go bankrupt before my baby boy is here... I need help.... idk what to do... I still have three panels in the hallway to fix, two holes that have to be puttied, painting rooms, getting the babys room ready, replacing floors and flooring.... idk what to do... I refuse to lose my baby because of the house.. I'm working my butt off to get it ready and because of me going to the er for low iron, bp, and dehydration my company wants to cut my 40 hour work weeks to 34.... I can't lose this... I'm scared...

The gender is........ A BOY! His name is Johnnie Ray and he is 1lb 5oz!! I'm measuring 23 weeks and they said everything is looking great!!! I'm one happy birthday wolfy!

Starting to feel a lot of movement now! Heartbeat started at first being 164, 150 now is 144-140. But I STILL DONT KNOW THE GENDER!! ARRRGHHH!! The 19th is my next ultrasound and I'm praying I find out then! The daddy will be home the day before so I'm hoping and praying we can find out because my birthday is the 21st! COME ON LITTLE FUZZBUTT SHOW MOMMY!!! Anxious mother is anxious.... so is daddy... starting to redo the house, just cleaning everything and then re arranging rooms. But NOT by myself and I ain't doing the heavy stuffs. But hoping and praying I find out what my little one is soon! Its driving me crazy!! Also still a lot of back pain, oddly my tail bone has the worst sharp pain I've ever had. Some breathing issues but not major enough for hospital. Belly def getting bigger, I can't see my toes now :/ my pulse has been a lil higher lately and I can hear my heartbeat in my ears -.- and omg... acid reflux GO AWAY!!! It hurts so bad and keeps me awake :( and my job swapped me from 2nd shift to 3rd which is 11pm-8am weekdays amd 8pm-8am weekends so tired preggy wolfy is tired.... just wanted to give an update!

I now have my own place!!! Currently getting power turned on Monday but water is already on and renovation starts monday once they turn power on! !!! Things with the hubby are slowly getting back on track and soon he will be home to help renovate the house! I've never been so happy!!! Things are going great and my 22nd bday is next month!!!! I'm so happy! !! And I'm getting a desk so I can do my art again and a new laptop and drawing tablet!! Soon ill be back to myself again!

So I'm around 4-5 months now and the top part of my belly feels like really hard and so does the front and its like there is a lot of pressure there too. I won't find out the gender until august and its driving me crazy!!! I wish I could find out sooner :( I've been wanting to do little wives tale tricks to try and see what they say but idk. I'm so anxious!! Anyone have any ideas as to what I may be having? Ill post a more recent bumpie very soon!

I... I cant do this... I cant... Whats going through my head I..I cant keep thinking like this.... I need help...

just not feeling myself lately.... really dont know what to do.... just... having depression and i need to get rid of it for the babys sake but... its hard... i cant do this alone.... im scared and idk y... i need help.... but idk what to do...

Things are going well so far. Just needing a place to live and soon... The baby is doing well but I'm still struggling to quit smoking... Stress isnt helping me at all and i need to get out of the horrible mess of a home im in... it would cost thousands to fix it right before the baby is born so I need to find a new home because I dont have the power or time to fix it between work and everything... i dont know what to do.... I dont want to leave my companion Bubbles behind because I love her like family.... I just need a home for me and her and the baby, and so when my husband comes home from work he can come home to me.... I'm so scared and stressed that depression is trying to set in but im fighting it.... i dont need to be alone right now....

Oh my gawwwwwd I havent been paying attention but oh my jezuz.... thank you!!! ;.; Thank you guys.... and I have 134 watchers and I love each and every one of you <3 I'm doing my best to try and do art but between the pregnancy and work its just difficult to do stuff :( BUT I LOVE ALL YOU GUYS!!! ;.; <3

ugh... so much is going on... getting signed up for WIC Medicare and all that good stuff.... but I'm 7-10 weeks and like my mom did... im showing early... so some everyday chores are getting difficult... I want to draw but rarely have time between working and appts and everything.... the cravings are omg... so weird.... but im dealing with them... its just so different and i cant do some things like i used to... ive been trying desperately to draw me with the bump I have right now like the pictures Im taking each month but i cant seem to draw anything lately with so much on my mind :'( so yea... but if anyone knows a good not really expensive artist that could draw my sona and my hubbys which im redoing soon kind of a deer/bear/wolf hybrid which i also need to get a ref sheet done of him i would like to commission two pieces, one of me and him together in a cute lovey belly pic and a ref for him. im also working on figuring out what the baby will look like as well... but ive lost all my creativity and cant come up with any color palettes >.< can anyone help me? not being able to draw is killing me :( and yea...

Omg its killing me... No matter what I eat I still feel nauseous.... Ugh.... Help me.... Any fellow preggy furs or momma furs wanna give advice? I'll gladly take it! I seriously need it right now... They don't even know how far along I am yet. I find that out Thursday... But so many changes are going on and I'm already showing.... So help me pleeeease! This new momma is scared nervous and confused!

11pm-8am on weekdays I'm workin at the group home... 8pm-8am on weekends I'm doing the same.... once I'm off work I'm helping take care of my gmom... and maybe a lil sleep. .. so... yea.. and then you got depression, anxiety, fear, exhaustion, and frustration don't mix well nor help when you are trying to sleep.... if only I could find something to help me relax...

I officially stopped smoking as of 7pm April 10 2015. I am now on an ecig and when I attempted a puff of my normal cig I felt instantly sick to my stomach. .. so maybe this is a good start...? If only I felt happier about it... . I just don't feel like me. Everytime I talk to my husband with everything going on we just argue.... I've never felt more alone or distant.... . I'm not myself... I keep pushing those that care away but its because I don't want to hurt them but I end up hurting them anyways... I'm not myself... and depression and anxiety is slowly taking control....

So.. last Thursday we laid my Pawpaw to rest with a military honor... But because of my grandmothers mind condition she has it in her head that my husband had something to do with my Pawpaws death.... when we hadn't been up there in 2 weeks because of her.... She banished him from the property and we had no where else to go... But she only banned him... so that same day I laid my pawpaw to rest... I had to say goodbye to my loving husband as he got on a bus for Washington to live with his mom... My grandmother told me if I ever wanted to see him again, I am to leave and never show my face again..... So now I lost my Pawpaw... and my husband... and some weird things have happened lately where my boss thought I might be pregnant... and she made me take 4 clear blue digital tests... they all showed positive... but my doctor told me to wait a lil longer and come in for them to test....So now I'm scared we have our first child on the way... and he is so far away... I'm afraid after so long I'll lose my job and before then I've got to find a new place to live down here... so that he can actually come home... I'm so scared.... this isn't what my Pawpaw would want to happen.... and I can't do anything to oppose her or I lose my current home and I'm on the streets because I have no where to go and no car... This is whats happened since that sunday March 29.... and its pure hell...

One of my fav artists Pentatonix or PTX <3

Their songs are one of the only things keeping happy..

Papaoutai: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ScDIkNcqZjE

Love Again: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F80FsZDTgn0

Rather Be: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OPWPa-HMpj8

Problem: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Z9b2HiW_L8

Daft Punk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3MteSlpxCpo

Can't Hold Us: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OglS3Q0Zxik

Run To You: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sp7PS_UN8Lo

La La Latch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TsVeQnBmp70