as you may or may not know my son will be here this month in less then 2 weeks. he is my first blood born spawnling. i am very excited to have a podling of my own. it is curious how life seems to focus on the false importance of things until we clear our vision. i am unsure how unclear this vision shall be in the next decade but i am sure it will clear up effectively. i do so hope i will see clearer then the generations before me. everything i felt was important has taken a back seat. my art is slower coming, poetry rare, and i build less unless it is being a priority to ensure more comfort to my family. but seems well. i made a lamp shade. about to start a dvd shelf. and a box for my edh deck for mtg. so weeeh. anyhow, hope this update has been interesting for those whom care.

Sleeping Thunder.

so it has been a long time. since i had a chance to speak with every one. as you know I moved to florida. due to some roommate issues i lost my computer. and my phone. but good news is my mate is pregnant. my son will be with us in december as long as all goes well. i am living in a house with her and her daughter only. the seclution is wonderful. i am happy. i am however looking for computer parts or a whole computer. but i do not wish to be greedy here. if qny one has a line on possibly a shell and a mother board and power supply i think i have enough parts to fix it up. i have video cards some ram and hard drives. but this isnt a necessity it would just he nice to have. any how, i am enjoying my family. i will soon post a picture of my dresser turned into a book shelf i made with all hand tools including it's engravings. hope you will like it. *hugs to all*

I am so happy. Now living in florida very soon to be 6 months here. Life seems perfect. A loving loyal group of friends, smiles that never quit, responcibility, yet more time to just be happy. Life is amazing and so easily your perspective changes on such small enviormental changes. I have moved 27 times in my life and I though everywhere was the same. And here I am, proved wrong. Life is now amazing and some how more efficient. How weak we are for little changes. Adjusting everything in our world. We need to remember this the little changes that do make life better. For all those reading this iI wish you the best. And know that even though I have yet to meet all of, that I love you.

I descided to actual post some stuff about me. Instead of posting confusion or frustrations.


I was born in New Mexico.

Moved 26 times thus far 23 time with my family. 3 on my own.

I don't exactly know what "home" feels like but I find comfurt from those who have been in my life for long periods.

I was born in November

I am a Scorpio.

I have 2 cats, Fugi and Cid (short obsidian).

Had several pets before this. My dog whom was like a child to me I named "Buhne Atsi" which is a Native American word for "Skunk".
And 3 cats all related named: Micron, Oliver, Sissy. Whom have all passed away over the years.
A Chinese fighting fish I named "Cat Food".
An alge eater I named "Slimer".
And a turantula I named "Kalahadra".

I used to collect clocks, cacti, stones and rocks of varying colors and shapes, and rare or foreign coins.

My hobbies include:
Carpentry, gaming, second life building, art, poetry, electrical work, black smithing, stained glass, and legos.

I have lived near the beach (carolina sound), desert (farmington, and santa fe), mountains (west virginia, colorado, virginia), and swamp (carolina's).

I have swam in every major body of water around the continental US.

Being native american my totem (lack of a better word as totem isn't of my nation.) Buffalo, and Smilodon (American Saber Tooth Tiger). Yes that is possible to have extinct spirit animals.

I have plays socially, as well as infront of crowds my Native American flute.

I am also a Pow Wow dancer. (Traditional dancer not fancy dance or otherwise).

My activities I enjoy are Rock Climbing, Sports (playing not watching), roller blading.

My goals in life are:

Becoming a fireman, A Spiritual leader, and one day a hermit (lol).

I am unsure what else to post if you have questions ask away I like sharing. Thanks!

And thank you for taking the time to read this.

my life is amazing, right now. Hard work, got enough money to start my life over, working everything out by hand. I am learning carpentry again, working to get into blacksmithing again. I will be getting my Regalia together. Soon to hit Pow-wows. AND most importantly. my Girl Friend whoot. it's all amazing.

I don't know things are pretty tough theses day around me. But I do have good news I am going up in the food chain at work. I have been working on this for quite some time. I am happy to say that things are working out wonderfully. Buying a car soon. Finally wheels of my own again. Got my self rolling for a new place. For once I don't feel like complaining. Thanks for being here for me kids. I know few read my journals and fewer comment but who ever you are that reads thrse. Thanks! Whoot!

So, again here I sit typing out my thoughts and expecting nothing from it but to never be read. Let us see what happens maybe some one will actually read and respond either way this is more of a self help form of venting.

So today went terrible, as it always does. And I don't say this because I am depressed. It just means that the general time spent contious is usually filled with anxiety, stress, confusion, and unending frustration. but that is either life it self for every one, or merely the lifestyle I have chosen. With all things I want to discuss something because thats how i was taught to talk. All things have reason, logic, or purpose.

So let us start with how I feel about furries.
When did we start being completely and utterly followed by the idea of sex? We haven't always been about sex have we? I remember when it was embracing your animalistic side of humanity. but maybe I am wrong. Maybe that is the way I took the fandom and took the feelings of the group and twisted them to my perspective.

Secondly when did we start cuddling all the time? Why is furries synonymous with cuddling? I HATE being touched by a person I am not good friends with, why in gods name would I cuddle? I dont know things seem so different. I also want to point out there isnt enough anger, hate, and rebellion in our group. All groups rebel, in some way or another. But we dont actively rebel. Except to defend our existence, what sort of rebelling is that? But why dont we question our selves in all this? why are we not questioning the value systems we live by? why are we not questioning the "way" people take with furries? and by that I mean why are we not looking at how we act before we do so, merely following the group and presuming that is the way to act? I have always been a angry, dark, and pessimistic furry, I just have. And I like that I think I balance things out a little. I am logical, reasonable, and methodical. I am however not realistic. As with the real world, there is little method to people, or reasoning, merely reaction and actions and that is merely logical but it explains Not why we dont argue with our choices we are given. People always say "they made me" that doesnt make sense as there was no gun held to their head. Even if there is a gun held to their head does this mean you just listen to the wielder of the gun? you submit like a dog following order? (no offence to the canines out there). What kind of world are we in when all we do is blame the people we THINK started it. WE started it every one of us. each member of the group is at fault for their own actions just as we all are at fault for our actions OR inaction in life it self in this world. We CHOOSE to draw the line at open-mindedness. We chose to outcast our selves, and our way of life. We ignored societies rules on creativity, open, truthfulness, and honesty. The world now more then ever is Fake as the plastic we spend our money on. Think of the money in the first place. ITS PLASTIC. That is it. not even worth the magnetic strip on the back you cant even hold up a postit on the fridge with that (haha magnet joke). OR we can talk about the money we spend. Well the green crap is PAPER, ok kids paper, its obvious its trash, you blow your nose on the quality you spend so many of to pay your rent with. and then the coins are all alloys or mixes of CRAP, nickle mixed with copper zinc all that. have you seen our NEW pennies they scratch right the heck off. I bet you if you drop it a couple times it will be roughed up. We dont have anything worth REAL stuff any more. BUT we chose to give up our realistic lifestyle for this materialistic world we have now. And we cant really get mad about society being crappy since WE are part of it making it this way. IF we rebelled enough we might have a chance. But with all movements they all raise a little fuss make a few politicians mad or uncomfortable and then things go right back to the way they were in the 1950's. We just dont care any more really. We want life simple. I think life would be so much better if we just didnt have electricity any more. Just turn off the main switch on the world wide power-grid and drop us all back a few centuries to reflect on whats REALLY important. Not hair styles and make up. If you have time for which socks match my purse the best then you need to find something constructive to make your self a little more miserable in life so you can be happy. (haha backwards I know, but I swear its true). I have learned people are their most happiest when miserable because they remember whats important. Go ask a homeless person how important a fresh pizza in the dumpster is to him.

OK now that that eye bleeder is out of my system lets get down to the meat and potatoes of my journal entry.

Why do people act so dishonest? Seriously? Can people not just pay bills on time? Express their feelings honestly and openly instead of being scared of the reactions others will give? Who the hell made the rule where there are so many damn social rules to a conversation? People really expect me to jump through 500 hoops just to ask some one to barrow a fracking pencil? I mean what the hell is wrong with the world today? I dont care about how the weather is, look out side and HEY look its raining, MY GUESS is its a rainy day, thats the weather. This small talk crap is just the starter to how our social structure is broken all to hell. People wonder why I am such a hermit MAYBE because talking to people is like trying to dry a towel off by blowing on it. I am just sick of peoples lack of intelligence, and I dont mean stupid I mean general inability to think for them selves. I can tell people to do something and they ignore me, they dont listen. and then they are mad because I laugh at them for not ducking when I tell them too. I dont know we just have turned into a sad bunch of robots, sheep, and lemmings. People please, THINK before you speak, act, or even think! maybe just maybe what you do effects others, and maybe if your gonna demand something be willing to take demands your self. And if your going to be sexist, racist, or any other -ist. Expect the same sort of thing BACK. As my friend once told me, "racist such a wasteful form of hate".

Well anyway I felt better thanks for reading for my need of venting. My sanity restored through your bleeding eyes.

I wake up.. just so I can type this: I dont sleep any more. I dont wake up any more. everything is the same. everything I see is just a repeat of the day before. I crawl inch by inch out of this hole, every moment I wake up I crawl. and go to bed finding when I wake up.. I was pushed farther back again, and so I crawl to right my self attempting to make ground. I am nothing more then a reflection of the insanity I was put through. and yet people love me. I dont know why. I was told I was afraid of dieing. I realized I am. I am afraid not that my life will end, but that I will come back and do it again. I dont think its right, that its fair to be forced into this place. have enough people died? have enough people suffered? have enough people lost them selves in them selves, only to wake up just moments before reaching death's door? we sure have bad reasons to live dont we? we live for money, and in these times we realize how worthless that truly is. we waste our time finding ways to flourish yet we forget how to survive. we have become reflections of insanity our selves now. each of us. only the ones able to escape this wrath are those that have already died. I want to know why I cant have good dreams any more? I used to, I remember them. Now every night I am afraid to fall asleep because I know what will happen. It's starting to make me sick watching all of this. I have nightmares when I sleep. I have pain when I wake up. I am fighting to stay alive so I can do this? but I cant quit because I know it would only make me have to learn the same lessons again. plus its not fair to the people that love me. I wonder why people love me? why do we love any one? because we miss them? because they mean something to us? because we will miss them? but why? we dont even know what love is. so how can we answer Why we do it? I dont know. I hate this feeling I hate feeling sick because I am alive. all I can say is god has a Great sense of humor. Bah. any one else feel this way? if you can comment once on my page at least answer that. Thanks for reading.

a twisted moment happened to me today, I realized I love my life, and my G/F more then I ever expected. I am quite happy, I am yet poor, sad, sober, and sane I feel absolutely happy that way. This made me take aback my previous feelings and thoughts of how my life runs...

I have also learned that being here, being clever, having some sort of talent that may or may not get me any where. doesn't mean a thing unless it then has to candor to peoples preferences. We apparently don't recall how to enjoy things for their wonderment and content.. and ignoring our own preferences. Then the moment we do find some one we enjoy to watch.. we ask them questions with out thinking. I wish people would read before speaking. oh well. I guess I will complain later.

I am unsure how to word all this so I will do the best I can. I don't tend to journal but I felt I should. I wont tell you how my day went, but I will tell you whats on my mind right now.

I feel that the world in its own sick and twisted way that it wobbles through the universe is amazing. And its even more amazing that we survive. We populate like rabbits on this little ball. quickly filling the land with houses, graveyards, and landfills. I am impressed by the world today, I hate this place but damn is it beautiful. Maybe its the Christmas season dragging the bile out of my throat long enough to pour in its own warm fuzzies but damn am I surprised today. I am glad we have this world. I am impressed that the world has SOME cultures left that haven't been flushed down the universal Historians toilet. I remember the stories my grandparents tell me about the "old days" when AIM was a big deal and not just a messaging program. Back when the American Indian Movement meant something more then it does now. When we stood up and died for what we believed in. I love those stories. and now what do we have? a couple wars that look more like crowd control then fighting for rights, land, respect, and of course "get the fuck off our ass". I mean where are we headed? its a beautiful sickening world. and I am glad I am a part of this sadistic mass of torment. I am glad that the sanity of the world hasn't drained out so much that we cant find our shoes. we still have some left. I have watched so much happen that I don't want to close my eyes at night any more. I have seen so many horrors, and painful ways to watch people leave this ball of dirt, and watched as people move on with their lives living their love behind. That makes me question Where am I going? am I headed any where? I feel like a blind man in a sound proof room, searching for the right color socks to wear. I do want to say I LOVE my G/F who is probably gonna read this one day and then hit me for mentioning her. but damnit I am happy. its a sick and twisted freak show out there, so lets hop on the ride and see if we survive. I am kinda scared to have kids now, I mean do I want them to grow up here? now? in this? but then again, if I wait to long what will they have left? what animal will I wake up in the morning be there at my window seal, and when I go to bed only be in history books? maybe this is a fear I got from moving so much? I don't know. I hope I don't wind up moving again. all I know is that people think we are nuts, people think we are sick, people don't understand where we are coming from. and people hate us for being something they can't find a folder for, to put us in. are we crazy for being like us? are we sick? are we disgusting? what is Right? what is Disgusting? what is sane? how can we be the ones insane? long time ago it was insane to think the world was round. Now its sane to think we are human. maybe we don't enjoy humanity because its to human and that's why we like furrys. Maybe we just want some one to hang with that wont call us names so we go with the most open-minded group we can find? maybe we are like this because we love animals more then people? maybe its all those reasons, or at least a couple of them. I don't know what to think some times. some times I wish it were 800 years ago. I was always told I was born a century late, and a decade short. maybe I was. maybe we all were? maybe there is no one out there reading this, but I am sure because the principles of chance state that some one will read it, being as there such a large population here. I feel happy, bleak, and sad, all at once. I am glad I am what ever I am, and live on what ever this place is, doing what ever I am doing. at least when I wake up the morning covered in cat hair I will know my cats love me, and when my g/f laughs at me and hands me a lint roller, she loves me too. Maybe this world will fix it self, maybe we might do something good for a change? maybe we will just be "shaken off like a bad case of fleas" (George Carlin). I hope we can, I hope we will, I hope it happens. this planet needs some peace. we are a sick bunch, and I dont mean us furries I mean the whole lot of humans cluttering up the earth. Lets move to another planet so we can do the same thing we do here, over there. *shrugs* oh well, I am hungry for cheese, and that gives me an idea for the subject line. Thanks for wading through this overbearing, overwhelming pile of snowman droppings, I call my brain.

Surgery of the day: "Bi rectal Tonsillectomy"