99 views and three favorites on my latest writing endeavor! Nice!

That makes it my most-viewed and most-favorited work so far. Then again, I've only got two, so what would I know? :3

Thanks for bolstering my confidence, all of you who have! This writing thing is harder than it looks at times, and is really tough trying to know where to go next.

As always, suggestions for improvement both welcome and sought!

Tail high!

I know some of you at least have seen it already, but I wrote a new story and put it up yesterday. It might not be everyone's cup of tea, and I know that, but my hope was to write a story that started setting the groundwork for a setting all its own.

Earlier stories of mine have invariably suffered from having grand openings, but quickly petering out before I can get to the end I had in mind, and I'm hoping to avert that with this new story setup. But, I know that it's a fool who doesn't listen to criticism, constructive or destructive, and so I want to hear from you, my watchers.

What do you think of my little tale? Questions, comments, suggestions? I've got an open ear. I can't say I'll implement everything you might come up with, but hearing from you might help me get a better handle on the world I'm trying to create.

Cautiously optimistic as to where this might lead,

Chakat Swiftrunner

Tail high!

So a friend of mine started a blog recently and sent me a link of one of his first posts. In it, he discusses the downright scarily bad logic used by wolf hunters to justify killing thousands of these creatures. It... it honestly made my skin crawl.

http://solusl.blogspot.com/2012/04/.....ing-logic.html

The things these people say leave me deeply disturbed. Please, help spread the word.

Hi. Haven't been on in a long while, have I?

It's been a long journey I've been down. Tense roommate situation, impossible classes, sleep deprivation, a whole gambit of things that have gone every which way but right. Oh well.

I guess the one thing I've learned from all this is that I have friends out there. Maybe not many, but the ones I have found are true. They're shoulders to cry on, anchors in the storm, and lights in the darkness.

It's times like these, when we are the furthest down, the most out of sorts, that we truly need people like that. The people who remind us that no matter how much life might suck, there are those who still think we matter.

I'm not sure what I would have done these past few months without my friends. Without the people who care about me and who I care about in turn. Whether it's just spending some time talking, or logging onto the MUCK after a bad day and having four different people jump me at once, or simply hearing a cheery 'hello' before they dart off to take care of other things in their life, it's my friends that have helped me through this.

Forgive me if I ramble.

Songs... music... can convey so much more than simple words can. A powerful piece of music can describe a vicious battle better than even a million words on the page, or a hundred hours of documentaries, or really anything at all. Music can lift us up, wear us down, make us laugh, make us think, make us cry, or even make us stand dumbstruck.

It's times like these, when I'm feeling down, when the world's collapsing around my ears, and my friends are still there, that some certain songs simply speak to me. Give me... hope, I suppose. They help me realize more of what I'm really going through. And right now especially, there are a few lyrics that stand out in my mind.

~~

This is so hard for me
To find the words to say
My thoughts are standing still

Captive inside of me
All emotions start to hide
And nothing's getting through

Watch me
Fading
I'm losing
All my instincts
Falling into darkness

Tear down these walls for me
Stop me from going under
You are the only one who knows
I'm holding back

It's not too late for me
To keep from sinking further
I'm trying to find my way out
Tear down these walls for me now

~~ From "These Walls", by Dream Theater ~~

~~

There's a story in your eyes
I can see the hurt behind your smile
For every sign I recognize
Another one escapes me

Let me know what plagues your mind
Let me be the one to know you best
Be the one to hold you up
When you feel like you're sinking

Tell me once again
What's beneath the pain you're feeling
Don't abandon me
Or think you can't be saved

I walk beside you
Wherever you are
Whatever it takes
No matter how far
Through all that may come
And all that may go
I walk beside you
I walk beside you


~~ From "I Walk Beside You" by Dream Theater ~~

~~

It challenges the essence of my soul
And leaves me in a state of disconnection
As I navigate the maze of self control

Playing a lion being led to a cage
I turn from a thief to a beggar
From a god to God save me

How can I feel abandoned, even when the world surrounds me
How can I bite the hand that feeds the strangers all around me
How can I know so many
Never really knowing anyone

If I seem superhuman
I have been
Misunderstood

~~ From "Misunderstood", by Dream Theater ~~

~~

These songs do speak to me, resonate with me, in ways I can't really describe. The first is a song I hear myself singing to the world, to my friends, as it seems blacker than black... "Tear down these walls for me... stop me from going under." A cry for help, from these pits of blackness.

The second is a song I hear myself singing to those I care the most about. A promise to be there for them, always. "I walk beside you... wherever you are... whatever it takes... no matter how far." I'll always be there for them, I'll always be willing to help, no matter what happens.

The third is a song I hear myself singing as the deadlines, the work, the expectations all pile up, and I feel so alone. "...from a thief to a beggar, from a god to God save me... how can I feel abandoned, even when the world surrounds me... how can I bite the hand that feeds the strangers all around me... how can I know so many, never really knowing anyone... if I seem superhuman, I have been misunderstood." For all that I seem to be on the outside... strong, smart, capable, stable... I'm just human. I'm fragile at my core. I'm not the perfect human. I've been misunderstood.

I hear myself singing these songs a lot more often in these days, crying out for help and understanding as I help my friends stay afloat. Some days, I'm not sure how I survived. Yet there's a song I hear others singing to me, all the while... sometimes my own songs drown it out, sometimes I'm too far away to hear it... but when I can, I remember why I stay.

It's a song I haven't found an artist sing yet... perhaps grief makes for better music than joy. But it's a song I'm sure we've all heard, in one form or another. That song of promise. That song that tells us, there are people out there – not just one, but several – who care, who think we matter, who know we matter. Who go out of their way to cheer us up because that smile we give afterwards is all the reward they ever need. That song of promise that tells us we aren't alone in the world. Its music may not be the most enticing, or the best composed, or the best arranged... it might slip under the noise of all the other songs we hear... but when we can hear it, it's the truest song of all.

I think we forget that. I think I've forgotten that, in the past. A moment where I forgot how many people care led me to months upon months of horrifying depression. Months where that soft song of promise was drowned out by songs of sadness.

It was my friends who helped me hear that song again.

Never let that song fade. Let people hear that song, and listen for it yourself. Even in darkness, there can always be some light to be found. Find it.

We aren't all superhuman. We've all got some walls trapping us. We all need someone to walk beside us.

And sometimes...

If we just open our eyes...

That person we need to walk beside us...

Is already there.

Ready.

Waiting.

A lamp in one hand, the other held out to you.

"Come."

"Let's get out of this darkness."

And if you're lucky...

And in some way, we all are...

This person will lead you to others...

Others who will take your hand...

And lead you from the darkness.

They're there for you.

They always have.

Some patient...

Others not...

But when you need them...

They'll guide you from the darkness...

And help you find the light again.

I don't know if I've found mine yet.

It's dark between me and the people I can see.

They used to be right with me.

Then one day they seemed to leave...

Though perhaps I left them.

They came back recently.

Close enough for me to see them.

I should go to them.

Find the light again.

But I don't want to try.

They're too far away.

I'm too scared I'll fall.

But their light comforts me.

Even from as far away as they are.

Because I know someday...

One of them will come to me.

They'll take my hand.

They'll pull me out of the darkness...

And help me find the light again.


~~



It's been a long journey, my life. A long time spent wondering if I'll ever survive. If I'll lose that light forever to the darkness. But I think... I think I'm finding it again.

Never lose that light. Don't let others lose that light. Find the people who matter to you, and who feel that you matter. Stick together.

And find your way out of the darkness.

I'm trying for it, will you? Nothin' to lose, after all!

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/2497461/

Tail high!

I'm still not up to par, unfortunately... but I'd be surprised if anyone was a week after realizing they were transgender...

I'm starting to recover from that first shock to the system, though it's a long, slow road. I'm not feeling as sad anymore, and my life doesn't feel so much like the song Behind Blue Eyes... though it's still somewhat rough.

I'm going to see a therapist soon, and hopefully I'll be able to start getting my head back on fully straight, so to speak. I don't expect to be the same person again, naturally... but hopefully I can settle into my new normal, whatever that might be.

However, and perhaps biggest of all... I doubt I would be even this far along recovery if it weren't for all of you. The comfort, the care, the support, everything you've all given me over the past week has helped far more than I could ever say. Thank you all... I've never once regretted joining the furry fandom, and I'm sure the day when I do doubt that will never come. You are some of the most caring, compassionate, empathetic people I've ever met, and I will treasure forever getting to be a part of this wonderful world.

Thank you all, and tail high.

Swiftrunner

There are some things most people take for granted... some things that others have been denied. So many people around the world are born one way, and know that's the way they should be. Males born males who feel male, females born females who feel female...

Then there are people like me, born one way, but feel another, completely different, way... I was born a single gender, but... neither gender has ever felt right. Thinking about being just male or just female doesn't click... but... the thought of being a herm... being both at once...

I don't know if it's even possible to have gender reassignment surgery to be hermaphroditic. I don't know if there are any doctors out there who would do that. Many things finally hit home yesterday, last night... and for the first time in years, I cried myself to sleep. The first time was when I wanted to be a chakat... though I've since gotten over that... but now... I'm convinced... I'm a herm born into the wrong body. I've never dressed overly feminine, nor overly masculine... but all I could envision last night was myself, looking feminine, wearing a woman's-cut tuxedo, with that small bulge that only comes from being male... and I cried. I cried and cried and cried. I reached out for something I knew wasn't, and couldn't, be there... desperately hoping that I could close my fingers around that apparition and make it reality...

I go around wearing gender-neutral clothing pretty much all the time. Jeans and a T-shirt. I don't want to wear panties, but I don't want to wear boxers... I wear briefs... because they're somewhere in the middle, perhaps? I honestly don't know... I want to look feminine, and yet be hermaphroditic, and every single time I envision myself that way, I cry because I know almost without a doubt that I can never achieve that.

I know it seems like I'm whining, I'm complaining, a lot... but I just recently started admitting to myself who and what I am. Even a week ago, I was a single-gendered, white, upper-middle-class American, and in basically every respect had life handed to me on a silver platter... and suddenly I'm fully realizing that I'm a pansexual hermaphroditic furry buried under all that...

Writing it out helps somewhat... reading your responses, knowing you all care, helps as well... I'm... I'm glad there are those who care for me. I worry about what my friends and family would think if I told them. I nearly told my mother... but... I'd heard too many horror stories to bring myself to do it. Maybe... maybe some day I can tell her... but I don't know when that day will come.

Thank you, all of you, who have given me support... you've made life worth living in spite of all this. I used to have horrible bouts of depression... thoughts of suicide... but you've all kept it away... even if it's a family of friends, I feel as though I've found a real family here in the fandom. That's reason enough to keep on living.

Tail high, all of you.

Chakat Swiftrunner

Most people are lucky. They're born either male or female, they die that way, they know who and what they are the whole way, and dammit, they're happy with it.

Some people, though, are not so lucky. They're born male or female... but they don't feel that way. Oh, they might not realize it, at first, but eventually they come to realize that they don't feel right the way they are. They might be male, but feel as though they should be female... they might be female, but feel as though they should be male... but either way, they feel like one gender born into the other gender's body. They're called male-to-female transgendered or female-to-male transgendered. Some go through operations so that their outer body better matches who they feel they are on the inside... others want to, but can't afford it.

Then there are a few like me. I have no idea if I'm unique, or if there are others, but... I'm not male to female, or female to male... I was born in a single-gendered body, and for years now – years – I've felt as though I should be both. I feel like a hermaphrodite. Is there a term for that? Would even other transgendered people accept me? I honestly don't know.

But I do know this. I know I don't feel right in a single-gendered body, and I know that I'm completely comfortable with the idea of being both male and female. I think, perhaps, I've finally figured out who I am on the inside... I just hope the world can come to accept that.

It's times like these when I think of a certain famous quote: "Speak your mind, even if your voice shakes." It's been a long road, but I think, perhaps, I have it figured out now; who and what I am. I'm a herm, a feminine-looking herm, and I don't give a damn if you think that's sick and twisted, because it's who I am. I just hope my parents are among the few who think it isn't so sick and twisted.

Tail high, no matter how hard it may be.

Chakat Swiftrunner

You don't know what you've got 'till it's gone. Truer words have never been spoken.

A good friend of mine on the MUCK where I spend a lot of my time very nearly vanished without a word. It was only after the fact, after they had already decided to leave, that I found out. I found out through others that they had left... to say I was sad is putting it mildly. I'm still not sure how, but word finally got back to them, and they showed up for one last goodbye... I learned many things about them then, and about why they decided to leave. Their final gift to me was a lotus blossom... something they gave to only a few people. It's bringing tears to my eyes saying this... it really is. I know, intellectually, that they're still out there, but on the MUCK, they're basically dead. No evidence left. It's... not an easy thing to take.

So for all of you who might be hoping for sequels to my stories, it'll be a little longer before I'm entirely right again. Sympathy isn't demanded... but appreciated. I need all the friends I can get.

Tail high... no matter how hard it may be.

Seriously, how did lil' ol' me get 20 watchers? I've literally submitted only one thing, and though I know some of you through alternate channels (Hello, everyone I've met on the MUCK!) there are others I've never met before... and now here I am, 20 watchers! Wow!

 NelsonDemifur,  ChakatBlackstar,  Gildedtongue,  ChakatSilvermane,  JBKYuuBi,  Winchester61,  KitSkyfire,  S-cheetah,  Sylvari_Miasma,  KarouWS,  vixen11,  RailRunner,  Chakat_Blacktail,  Chakat_Azimuth,  Silkpaws,  OberonSnowcat,  Radium96,  Demonwulf,  ChakatBombshell, and  Teenkitsune... wow... thank you all. Just knowing I made enough of an impression on all of you is amazing.

So, for all of you that read part 1 of my Sword of Taharigan story and started scratching your head (especially over where the @#$% the name came from,) don't worry... I'm going to start writing more. The meaning behind the name will be explained, the characters' names will actually show up (yay for that!) and crazy stuff is going to go down. Hopefully, this isn't just a load of incoherent babbling by someone who thinks they can write... but, well, 20 watchers is a big milestone for me, and you guys deserve something in return. Keep an eye open for it!

Okay, seriously... how did someone like me, never submitted anything, ever, get 15 different watchers? I mean, seriously? 15? Wow! I'm not sure whether to be impressed or... well, I don't know what else! Man, that's kind of incredible, actually. 15 watchers and I haven't had to submit any actual material... makes me wonder how far I could get it to go... *laugh*

But seriously, all 15 of you deserve at least something to show for it, so I'm going to be breaking my unbeatable 15 to 0 watcher to submission ratio by submitting my first work. It's based on a story I started writing back in high school, but never finished... the world has a mythos and everything. Naturally, I've changed the main characters from human to furry... hope you guys enjoy, once it's finally up!

Tail high!

Chakat Swiftrunner

It's no secret that I'm not very good at drawing. Most doodles I do come out like crap. If I have the time, and a pic I'm trying to copy, it comes out pretty well, but I can't just think up a character and draw them. So, ever since coming up with my fursona, I've had to live with not having a face to show people.

That is, until about a month ago, when I discovered  Lardo. Boy, what an artist... and just ten dollars for a color commission... and slots open! I contacted her at once, and started setting up the details... sent her a description, reference pictures, and the required cash... then I sat and patiently waited.

She got artist's block not long after, and ceased drawing... but I didn't care, she promised she'd do it eventually. I had waited a long time already, I could wait a few more months.

Things happened, and the commission drifted from my mind... until a few days ago, when I logged back onto FurAffinity for the first time in a while, and spotted that she had uploaded the first sketch. My god, it was so beautiful... even if it was rough and unfinished, it was a wonderful sight... I told her what details I wanted to have happen with the art, then sat back and waited... and just a day or two later, she was done.

I was on cloud nine the entire rest of the day... you see, when we're born into this world, we're granted a face, a body, immediately... something people can look at and instantly recognize as us. When we create a fursona, we don't have that luxury... we need this face, this body, created for us. I had, in a sense, gone without a face, without a body, for over a year... and now I had one. I had something that I could recognize as me in character, at it was so wonderful... so freeing...

The finished art can be found here: http://www.furaffinity.net/full/5423124/ I love how Lardo captured that happy, caring, almost motherly look with the face... it's exactly the sort of face I wanted for hir. I can't really think of anything I would wish to see changed about it... to me, it's perfect. Thank you, Lardo... you've granted me a face and a body at last.

Well, I'm glad I found it when I did. A few days ago, I decided to create an account on FurryMUCK. Now, I had heard of it before, but I'd never been there, and I was itching to find out what it was all about.

Let me just say this: I'm thinking a trip to the MUCK is going to be a daily thing for a long time.

For being a furry for literally years, I've actually had little exposure to the fandom. I'm a bit sorry to say I had missed out on a lot of amazing stuff. The people are quite friendly there; always ready to have a good time. I've made some good friends already in just a few days (just like chakats, I tend to make friends fast,) and I've been loving nearly every minute of it. It's a bit hard to explain the whole reason I like the MUCK so much, so I won't try. Let's just say, if you've never been there, you are REALLY missing out.

Never be afraid to try new things. You'll never know what you're missing.

Tail high!